Don't Think, Feel
Early TIVA conversation about feelings (or lack thereof.)
Ziva buckled her seat belt as Tony started the engine of the Charger. He turned the key and Neil Diamond's "Don't Think, Feel" blared from the speakers. Ziva immediately reached for the volume control knob, turning the music to a more acceptable level.
"McProbie!" Tony exclaimed. He tried to continue to complain about McGee leaving the volume on ear-splitting level but Ziva put a finger to his lips.
"Listen to the words, Tony." She upped the volume slightly and frowned in concentration.
Tony frowned; he'd much rather not listen. This song brought back too many painful memories. It was the last song his mother had decided was her new favorite in the fall of 1976. Less than two weeks later she was gone. He felt the tears forming before he could react. One slipped down his cheek before he could brush it away.
Ziva noticed the look in his eyes, and gently brushed the tear off his cheek. "Tony?" she spoke softly, turning his face so that he looked at her. He shook his head and blinked his eyes, willing the rest of the tears away. "Tell me," she again spoke softly.
He blinked again, but maintained eye contact. "My Mom," he bit his lip to keep from tearing up again. DiNozzos don't cry! Ziva put her hand on his that was resting on the console. She waited silently for him to regroup and try to speak again. Her patience was rewarded when Tony turned away slightly and then back.
"It was her last favorite song; you know, right before…" he trailed off. "Kinda ironic that it's about feeling versus thinking." He smiled weakly, trying to gather his thoughts. "You, me, feeling dysfunctionals that we are…" He motioned between them with his free hand. "Contrary to the lyrics, it IS a big deal."
Ziva nodded, "I know."
Tony continued the conversation as he shifted the Charger into gear and headed out of the NCIS parking lot. "Since that fall, I've tried not to feel. I got good at hiding from emotions." He stopped at a red light and looked over at Ziva, who seemed deep in thought. "Zi?"
She startled slightly, "Sorry, I was thinking about how much you and I are alike when it comes to feelings. We have both seen too much hurt. I was raised to believe emotion is a sign of weakness. I was not allowed to feel. My father, well, he is Eli…" She trailed off, remembering the days when he had actually seemed to care about her mother and his children as people.
"Tell me about it; Senior has never showed any sign of caring about me since," Tony swallowed hard, "Well, since Mom left us."
"It hurts!" Ziva bit her lower lip to stop the tears in her eyes. "When the only family you have left can't even bother to see you as a human being…"
Tony put his hand on Ziva's arm, "You have me…" he spoke softly. "I care about you."
Ziva turned, locking eyes with Tony, "And I about you." They held the gaze until a horn blared behind them; a driver impatient to move since the light had changed.
Tony hit the gas and drove on towards their destination; both agents back into "on the case" mode, feelings put back into their bottles for another day.