The Day Draco Malfoy Discovered Porn

By Miharu Endou

Genre: Humor/Romance

Pairing: Draco M. x Hermione G. /small hint of Harry P. x Ginny W.

Summary: Draco concluded that Muggles indeed are the most confusing creatures he has ever encountered.

Warning: Mild Sexual Reference

Note: This is my first Dramione one-shot. I've been lurking in the fandom for quite a while now, but I've only found the confidence to actuallywrite something for it recently. So, yeah. I hope you guys like it! This is for my PLOT AND STUFF 8D Family. I love you! XD Oh, and Happy Dramione Day!

Enjoy!

Ever since Hermione started dating Draco, she introduced muggle concepts to him. She started with the small things, like muggle restaurants, Starbucks—Merlin, he absolutely loved the caramel macchiato—and grocery shopping.

When he started loosening up to anything muggle, Hermione bought him a mobile phone. He was very skeptical about communicating with her with the use of a small electronic device— he felt stupid whenever he placed it by his ear and talk to an inanimate object—but once he started getting used to it, he would use it every chance he gets. Hermione tried to teach him how to text, but his answer was always a big, fat "NO".

Soon, she brought him to muggle museums and libraries. One time, he tried to touch a Rembrandt painting to see if it would move if he did so, but that only caused Hermione to jump at him and drag him out of the museum. She never brought him to a muggle museum after that. Draco declined to go to a library, because, well, a library—muggle or wizard—is still a library.

She brought him to a movie theater to see if he'd like it. The watched Ironman to which he scoffed and said, "Muggles sure are weird. Armors that light up? Won't they get…what was that again…electrocuted?" He liked watching movies with her though.

She also taught him how to turn on the telly, and how to change the channels in the telly. His favorite channel was—unsurprisingly—the golf channel.

The first time he ever initiated in doing a muggle activity was when he persuaded Hermione to bring him to a Country club to play golf. Hermione hesitated because, well, golf wasn't really her thing. Did you know that a long time ago, golf meant "guys only; ladies forbidden"? Yeah. Well, she thinks golf still has the same meaning as it did before. But, since she wanted her beau to be more comfortable in the muggle world, she obliged.

To say that Draco Malfoy was a natural is an understatement. When they arrived at the field—they rented golf clubs and a cart— he stared at a couple of guys swinging their clubs before doing it himself. He didn't even miss the golf ball on his first try! When the ball finally fell on the hole, the guys approached him and asked him how long he's been playing golf. He answered them honestly. "This is my first time."

The men did not believe him, but they still asked him to join them in their game. After that, Draco would go to the Country club every Saturday with his new-found muggle golf buddies.

Both Draco and Hermione were only free on weekends. Draco was a healer at St. Mungo's and owned a clinic in Hogsmeade—he'd tell his muggle friends that he owns a clinic in an exclusive village—while Hermione worked at the Department of Magical Law Enforcement. They would do their best to meet each other after work to have dinner or to have a quick stop to the movie theater to watch a film.

Sometimes, when he's not in the country club, Hermione would bring him to sports stadiums to watch muggle games like cricket, rugby, and football. He liked football since it was similar to Quidditch, but he didn't like it enough to actually try it. He says that Quidditch is more fun because they were on brooms and were a few feet off the ground.

Hermione wanted to spend more time with him, so she decided to start a ritual where she'd spend the night with him in her flat—located in muggle London near the entrance of Diagon alley—every Friday. Since he became an avid fan of movies in such a short time, Hermione would rent—or buy, if it was good—DVDs for them to watch. Draco would sometimes bring some of his choices—he bought it with the help of his golf buddies—and they would watch until dawn. A short love-making session would often follow suit.

One Friday, Draco got off work early, so he decided to go to Starbucks—they would meet there because a CD Rental place was beside it—ahead of time. But, being the oh-so patient man that he is, in less than fifteen minutes of waiting, he decided to call his girlfriend.

"Granger, I'm at Starbucks."

"You're early."

"Yeah," he said. After sipping from his cup, he said, "There weren't many patients today."

"Oh. That's good, I guess." He heard some rustling. She's probably fixing papers in her table, a habit she usually does when she's bored or when she's getting ready to leave. Draco's hoping for it to be the latter. "I'll just fix my things then I'll be there in a while."

When Hermione says she'll be there in a while, she usually arrives after at least thirty minutes. Draco groaned and said, "How long?"

He heard her laugh. "Five minutes."

"How.Long?"

"Five minutes," she repeated. "I'm walking to the exit as we speak."

"Make sure you are," he said, glaring at the giggling girls who were ogling him.

He heard her laugh again. "Malfoy, you're such an impatient man."

He rolled his eyes when she called him by his last name. She only does that when she's angry or when she's teasing him. He said, "Anyone who would have to wait for you for an hour and a half would be impatient."

"That was one time!"

"One time, schwone time."

"What a comeback," she said.

"Just hurry up, okay?"

"Yeah, yeah. I love you! Bye!"

Before he could even say anything back, the line went dead. He glared at his phone and placed it not-too gently on the table. He hated it when she doesn't wait for him to say "I love you, too". He's not a mushy guy who says 'I love you' all the time, but when his girlfriend says she loves him, he makes sure he says it back.

He heard giggling. He stared at the table in front of him and saw the girls—they looked like they were still in uni— smiling at him. He glared. This is one of the few reasons why he hated going to their meeting place early. Uh-oh. He was turning into his prissy self again.

Before he could glare at anything else, someone kissed him on the cheek and sat beside him. The girls glared. He said, "About time you arrived. My bum's getting numb."

"Exaggerating again, I see. For all I know, you've only been here for fifteen minutes." Bingo. She's always been good at estimating.

She grinned at him and took a sip from his cup. He took it back as soon as his girlfriend put it down. She tried to snatch it back, but he wouldn't budge. He swatted her hand and said, "Get your own drink."

"So selfish," she muttered. She then grinned at Draco and said, "Would you be a dear and buy me an Earl Grey Brewed tea? Oh. And some bagel, too, please! I'm famished!"

He playfully glared at her and said, "Who gave you the right to boss me around?"

"You did," she said, grinning widely.

When he was about to stand up to buy his girlfriend her snack, she patted his cheek affectionately and squeezed it. He felt like a pet, but surprisingly, he didn't mind. He actually loved it.

Draco loves to spoil her and give her everything, and the affectionate action she gives him is just a huge bonus. Hermione used to hate it when Draco spoiled her, but she realized that she's the only one he ever poured his attention to, so she's happy. Besides, Draco once told her that he'd spoil her even if she likes it or not. That doesn't leave her a choice to say no to his pampering.

When he came back with her tea and bagel, she held his cheek and kissed him swiftly in the lips and said, "Thank you."

As Hermione was about to eat her snack, Draco held her hand with the bagel and motioned it to his mouth. He took a bite and in a while, he said, "So, what movies are we gonna rent today?"

She took a bite from her bagel and said, "Well, Harry has a copy of this really good movie, and he knows that Friday is our movie night, so he asked me if I wanted to borrow it along with his other DVDs. I happened to like the movie, so I said yes."

"What movie is it? Did he give it to you already?"

She grinned at him and said, "The Notebook."

"Is that the overly dramatic movie?" She nodded. "You like that stuff? I always had you pegged as a realistic lady, always relying on facts written on books."

"I still am," she said. "It's just that a cute, heart-wrenching story is good, too. But that doesn't mean I'll depend on romance to make my decisions in life. Besides, it's not the only movie he's lending us."

"Uh huh." He emptied his cup. "So, did Pothead give it to you or are we gonna get it at his place?"

"He offered to give it to me," she said, looking at him heatedly for calling her friend 'Pothead'. "It's been ages since I've seen Harry and Ginny, so I told him we'll just drop by."

"You just saw him three days ago! And you had lunch with the Weaselette yesterday!"

"I wanna see them both together. Besides, back in Hogwarts, Ginny and I promised each other we'll be there for each other when we become mothers."

Draco rolled his eyes. "We're going to take all night there, you know. Saint Potter and She-Weasel will throw me a million questions about their spawn."

"Hey! Don't call their baby a spawn! And Ginny isn't a Weasley anymore. She's a Potter now. You just can't stop calling them with those nicknames, can you?"

"Old habits die hard, love," he shrugged.

She finished her drink and wiped her mouth before standing up and saying, "We better go if we want to go home early."

"Potter. Potter."

"Malfoy." Harry softened up when he saw Hermione. "Hermione, good to see you again."

Ginny rolled her eyes at the distant greeting between the two males and gave Hermione a tight hug. She grinned at her and said, "I missed you!"

She heard Draco mumble, "You just saw each other yesterday."

The pregnant lady laughed at him and hugged him as well, making the blond boy tense up. She said, "Good to see you, too, Draco."

When Ginny didn't let him go, Draco cleared his throat loudly and said, "You can let go of me now."

Ginny smiled sheepishly at him as she let him go. Draco, who still looked uncomfortable, moved to stand beside Hermione. She held his hand and said, "We'll only be here for a while. You see, we have a schedule to follow."

"Of course," Harry said, grinning. "We know how organized you are with your schedules and time tables. So Malfoy, I'm guessing you're getting used to the hour-by-hour schedule of Hermione Granger?"

Before Draco could answer, Hermione chipped in. "Actually, Draco's the one who made our schedule for tonight." She took a blank parchment from her robe and pretended to read something. "Visit to the Potters-limit to fifteen minutes. Make it ten if possible. Do not lead the conversation to female Potter's pregnancy for surely both Potters will throw a million questions and that will probably last for about at least three hours."

Everyone laughed but Draco. Hermione patted the man beside her playfully and said, "You obviously don't have a funny bone in your body, do you, dear?"

"I don't need to answer that because you obviously know every bone in my body, dear," Draco drawled, looking at her smugly-in which he received a punch in his arm. He winced.

Harry laughed heartily and took a bundle of DVDs in his TV cabinet. He handed it to Draco and said, "I know how much you want to go home now and reacquaint yourselves with each other's bones, so we won't keep you. That doesn't mean we won't pester you with our questions next time, mate."

"I'll keep that in mind," Draco said, smirking.

Draco held out his hand for Hermione to hold unto for the Side-Along, but before they left, Draco shook hands with Harry and said, "Well, good luck with your future baby, I guess."

Hermione rolled her eyes at his awkward sentence and said, "It's not like we won't be seeing them anymore. We'll probably be there when Ginny's in labor. No. We will be."

Hermione gave the two Potters a quick kiss in the cheek before they disapparated back to her apartment. As soon as they arrived, Hermione went straight to the kitchen to prepare dinner. But, before she got too engrossed with cooking, she peeked by the door and said, "You can set up the movie now. You still know how to operate the DVD player, right?"

Draco merely nodded. He looked at the pile of DVD cases and read the titles— The Notebook, Freaky Friday, Titanic, Jurassic Park, Tooth Fairy, Alice in Wonderland, and Eclipse.

They all look and sound lame, he thought. The covers looked weird, too. "Muggles," he muttered, shaking his head.

He chose Freaky Friday in the end because it had the most decent cover of all the movies. Besides, it's Friday, so he saw it fit to watch it. He turned the telly on and placed the CD in the player and waited for it to start.

The first thing that appeared was a very shaky view of something Draco couldn't quite understand. Is that a bed? When the coverage stopped shaking, he almost dropped the DVDs he was holding and said, "What the fuck?"

He barely swore. He'd avoid it if he could. But what he's seeing is worthy of a profanity or two. In the screen of his girlfriend's telly was a video of a couple making love.

"Granger," he called out, his voice barely a whisper.

Hermione didn't leave the kitchen, and only shouted, "Yeah?"

"What kind of movie is Freaky Friday?"

Obviously caught off guard with the question, Hermione didn't answer immediately. After a while, she said, "Uhh, It's about a mother and her daughter switching bodies or something. Why, you're watching that?"

So, the movie definitely isn't Freaky Friday. But, it certainly is freaky. Draco cringed when the boy in the screen started moaning, because he just realized who the boy was. He cringed more. He said, "Do muggles really do this stuff?"

"What do you mean?" Hermione asked, still not leaving the kitchen.

He couldn't take his eyes off the telly no matter how disturbed he is. He said, "Uhh… record love-making sessions?"

This was definitely a muggle thing, he thought. No one in the wizarding world—in the pureblood community, at least—would do this kind of thing. It's very disturbing.

The question finally made Hermione go to him. "What do you… Holy cricket, is that Harry?"

She went near the screen to get a good look at the boy, and it confirmed her deduction. It is Harry. And obviously, the redhead he's with is Ginny. Boy, did she shudder.

She turned off the DVD player and the telly and faced him. She sighed and sat on the couch, looking fazed.

Draco sat beside her and held her hand. They were both quiet, obviously shaken by what they saw. Hermione said, "I can never unsee that."

"Well," Draco said. "I had to watch it longer."

"Why didn't you turn it off, then?"

"You didn't exactly teach me how to turn the damn DVD Player off," he snapped.

She looked at him apologetically and said, "I'm sorry. I just… This is just…"

"I know," Draco said, patting his girlfriend's hand. "I'm as traumatized as you are."

They were quiet for a while again until Draco spoke. "So, muggles do that a lot, huh."

"Harry isn't a muggle, Draco. You know that."

"He was raised by muggles."

"Well, not all muggles do it, but some do. Some do it for a living, too. It's called pornography. Porn, for short," she answered truthfully.

Draco snapped his head to her and said, "Really? For money? That's... weird. An equally weird way to call it, too. So, muggles are into that kind of stuff, huh."

Hermione laughed at his curious tone, but stopped when she saw the look on his face. She raised her eyebrow and said, "What?"

He looked coy. Not good. He said, "You've always wanted me to know the muggle life."

"Yeah," she said, narrowing her eyes at him. "So?"

"Well," he drawled. "Why don't we do it, too? Since you want me to know the way of the muggle, I thought it'd be a good idea."

"No."

"No?"

"No."

"Okay."

Silence.

"Granger?"

Hermione looked cautiously at him and said, "…What?"

This time, he smirked. "Potter moans like a girl."

She should've seen that coming. She glared at him and said, "No, he doesn't."

To prove his point, Draco mimicked what he heard. "Oh yeaah.."

"Shut up."

"Oh yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaah….Ow! That hurt! Why did you hit me?"

Hermione stood up from her couch and said, "Because you're being an arse."

Draco was about to snap something back but stopped. He sniffed something and said, "Granger, are you done cooking?"

"Our dinner!" She ran back to the kitchen with Draco trailing behind her, laughing.

After salvaging their dinner, they went straight back to Harry's place to bring him the Freaky Friday DVD case. Harry was surprised. He said, "Is it broken?"

Draco and Hermione looked at each other and stifled a laugh. "Not exactly," Hermione said.

With a straight face, Draco said, "We saw your porn, Potter."

Harry gaped at him like a fish out of water. Ginny didn't look affected. This time, Hermione burst out laughing. Draco laughed, too. Harry was as red as a tomato now as he tried to say something. "I.. uh.. that's… uhh…"

"Don't bother explaining, Potter," Draco said, raising his hand to stop him. "I don't want to know about your fetishes or whatever. What I saw is enough. Just give us the real DVD for the movie and we'll be on our way."

Harry gave him the real DVD. Ginny squeezed her husband's shoulder to calm him down, but Harry was too embarrassed. Ginny said, "We're sorry about that. Harry tends to misplace things a lot."

"We kinda got that," Draco said. "We won't get any more surprise videos from your other DVDs you lent us?"

Ginny laughed. "No. I assure you, this is the only one." She showed them the CD they returned.

"Oh yeah. I have to say something." Draco looked mischievous.

"What?" Harry's voice cracked, still obviously embarrassed.

"You moan like a girl, Potter!" Draco shouted, before quickly holding Hermione's hand and disapparating from the Potters' residence.

The last thing Draco heard was Ginny's loud laugh.

End.

So, how was it? XD Sorry if I'm a bit rusty. I've been on hiatus for a while. Please do R & R! Thank you! I love you!

FOLLOW THE ARROW! :)

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