It starts sometime around when she's accused of the cricket's murder. She's sitting in the sheriff's office and Emma is staring down at her, as troubled by the accusation as she is, and she thinks that she might trust Emma to believe in her and protect her from this. She hasn't felt that way about anyone before, and it's a nice feeling. Emma's eyes are sympathetic and tinged with faith Regina doesn't deserve, and Regina wants to tell her…something, something about what that means to her, but she's hardly fool enough to act on that desire.
Of course, all that goes to hell soon enough.
When she's being completely honest with herself, it might have started earlier than that. She'd been adrift again- her magic stalled, a wraith so close to stealing her soul that she's beginning to shift from terror to resignation, and then there's Emma, a hand on her arm, and there's a warmth that passes over her that's as comforting as it is unfamiliar, and she can't do anything else but stare at Emma, seek answers in her eyes that are less how are you making magic? and more how are you making magic with me? and find nothing in Emma but a steady grip that trembles just a hair more than natural.
The sensation of Emma's fingers wrapped around her arm lingers long after Emma's gone, and she takes secret comfort in it even as she swears to change for her son. It's what Emmawould do, and there's a quiet kind of relief in following that damned overly good savior's lead.
Well.
There'd been emotions the year before, too, and while they'd been laced with hatred and fear of losing Henry and the one good thing about the happy ending as bitter as her unhappy one, they'd been…something. Something she doesn't want to think about.
Emma had smiled at her after she'd returned from the Enchanted Forest and Regina's welcome back had slipped out with no forethought, no thoughts at all, her mind temporarily blank of anything but Emma, Henry in her arms, and the unguarded affection on her face for her former nemesis.
Something inside Regina had thought this could be family and she'd wept later that evening, alone in a mansion too large for one, for dreams she'd never even known she'd had.
Something else shatters within her when Henry's birth father arrives in town with Emma in tow just hours before Cora…
Something breaks, and she suspects then that it might never be pieced together again.
She doesn't quite come to terms with it until she wakes up once during a night of fevered dreams and pain unlike any she'd ever known- and she still feels the weight of the contraption Owen had attached to her head and hands, hours after it's been removed, and her face still feels rigid and twitchy all at once- and Emma's there, her eyes hooded with sadness that Regina knows has little to do with her, but there's a cool hand pressed to her forehead and another hand gently resting on hers, and Regina-
Regina wants the pain gone from Emma's face, and her own agony seems meaningless in comparison with how defeated Emma looks today. I want you to be happy, she thinks but doesn't say.
I want to make you happy creeps up in the shadow of her first thought.
I care about you, is the thought that's too much to digest, and she thrashes to the side, disentangling herself from Emma's comforting grasp, and she listens silently as Emma walks away.
Daniel had told her to love again on that horrific day in the stables, and she'd thought it impossible, thought that she would never find someone she could love like she had him. She's too old, too bitter with a thousand wrongs both wrought by her and against her, and there's no space for love in her heart for anyone but Henry.
It's easier than she'd ever imagined it would be, staring at Emma and knowing that she's going to die soon and it'll be for Henry and Emma. Knowing that it's worth it, and that Emma still believes she might be redeemable.
It's more painful than she'd ever dreamed it would be, because Daniel had said nothing about being loved in return, and this twisting love that's revitalizing her is destroying her with that knowledge.
She lives when she should have died, and it's because of Emma. The magic they make together has nothing to do with true love, but it warms her regardless.
It's Emma who nearly dies next, and Regina curses her own impotence, shakes with terror that goes unnoticed by anyone around her. She's never been more grateful for Emma's idiot parents when Charming jumps into a roiling sea to retrieve her.
Later, Emma takes charge and Regina says You want us to be friends? with practiced ridicule but has never felt more alone than when a shadow passes behind Emma's gaze and the other woman brushes it off.
She's so jealous of Hook that it overcomes her, that she has to bite back snide remarks every time Emma talks to him and only succeeds half the time. He's unashamed of his lust for Emma and Emma accepts it with an eyeroll and seems to enjoy his presence and it's shameless, it's simple and it's easy to guess exactly where this courtship will end.
Her own feelings for Emma have never been so simple, and so she retreats from Emma altogether rather than to watch someone else barely fighting for the one thing she's never even dared to want.
And then they kiss, and Regina's lurking nearby completely by coincidence and she sinks down to the ground and squeezes a fistful of leaves in her fist. She'd known it would come to this eventually and she isn't surprised at the pain that blossoms from the knowledge that Emma is even more lost to her than she'd ever been before. Henry has been enough for her for eleven years, and she should never have looked at his other mother and seen anything more. It's her own fault for not quashing these emotions long ago.
When Emma stumbles into her a few moments later, her face is sheepish and chagrined and her words about what Regina had witnessed are dismissive and discomfited, but she also can't meet Regina's eyes for the rest of the day and flinches whenever Hook gets too close.
And that's something, though it's never going to be enough.
In the end, it's up to them to fix the Jolly Roger with their magic so the group- now with Henry- can make a break for it, and Regina thinks she might be addicted to the rush that Emma's magic sends through her. It's clear and untainted, bare essence of Emma flowing through her veins, and she thinks she might have blacked out for a moment because she blinks once and suddenly she's sagging against Emma, the other woman's arm supporting her and her eyes warm and concerned.
It's too close, too much for an impossible desire, and Regina tries to pull away but then Henry is running to them both, throwing his arms around them as the others board the ship, and it's impossible to escape when she's trapped in the embrace of the only two people in the universe she loves.
Then Rumpel and Neal arrive, and Emma's arm falls limp around her.
It makes perfect sensethat so many people would be so besotted with Emma Swan, who is beautiful and noble and fierce and good. Regina understands the sentiment better than most, and she recognizes it in both Hook and Neal as Emma avoids them both and spends as much time as possible during the long voyage home with Henry.
With Henry means with Henry and Regina because Regina refuses to leave him, and she learns to interpret the softness in Emma's eyes as the affection for her son that it is, and she remembers how to speak to Emma without allowing any love to leak through. She's aloof and cold and brings up Hook and Neal as much as possible, determined to never again forget that she isn't even in the running for Emma Swan's heart.
Emma falls asleep on their cabin floor most nights, and Regina gets much less sleep than she should.
Emma and Neal finally have a conversation that's long overdue, in Regina's opinion, and she can hear Emma shouting from the other end of the ship. She's in wholehearted agreement with all of Emma's grievances and tells her so when she appears in their cabin later with red eyes and pale features, and to her utter shock Emma- Emma who's never been vulnerable to her before, Emma who hasn't seemed to trust her the same way since she'd been framed for murder- launches herself into Regina's arms. She stays there long after Henry's fallen asleep and tells Regina the story Regina's never admitted she wants to know, and she falls asleep between Henry and Regina.
She smiles at Regina that night the same way as she had after she'd come back from the Enchanted Forest the year before, and it feels like they've finally come full circle.
The next day, she spends most of the day avoiding Regina's eyes again and talking to Hook as he steers them home, and Regina shakes her head at her own foolish notions. Deep down, there's still the idealistic girl who dreams of happy endings and wishes fulfilled, and it's past time to silence her for good.
They land in Storybrooke the next morning, and Emma is last to disembark. Neal looks like he might want to go check on her, but Hook slaps his good hand against the other man's back and tells Regina she should go. His eyes are knowing and more than a little resigned, and Regina can't fathom what he's thinking, but she leaves Henry with Snow and Charming and climbs back onto the ship to find Emma.
Emma is sitting on their bed in their cabin and staring at the wall, and when Regina comes in, Emma murmurs, What the hell, and she crosses the room in three swift steps and kisses Regina soundly.
For Henry has been I love you for a lot longer than Regina would have admitted until now, but she's spent so long convinced that they're speaking different languages that it's never occurred to her that Emma has meant it the same way. She can't grasp a lot of what Emma's telling her- the months of infatuation and affection and certainty that it's all been onesided, the willingness to be distracted by anyone who isn't a formerly evil queen, the wild belief that they might be a family someday- and it's difficult to focus on any of it while Emma's so close, her lips playing against Regina's cheek and her body curled up beside her.
It's all so impossible that Regina thinks she might be under an illusion and she's never left Neverland at all, or perhaps she's still trapped with Owen and Tamara and this is just a dream of a safer place, an ideal she could never reach in reality.
But Emma's still there when Regina looks to her right, and her eyes are shining and her face is glowing and Regina thinks that if she'd dreamed up Emma in love, it could never have been this beautiful.