A/N: This was originally started in response to a movie challenge over at the NFA Community. Being me, I didn't complete it by the designated deadline. I still wanted to finish it, so I've finally been inspired to take it up again. This is a crossover with the movie 'Frequency', so there will be definite spoilers for that movie, as well as for season 4 NCIS in general (just so I cover all my bases).
Not a Regular Day
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo squirmed in his chair. For what must have been the seventh time that morning, he stood up, took a few hurried steps away from his desk, then stopped in his tracks and returned.
Mossad officer Ziva David stole an amused glance in his direction. She'd been observing this unusual dance from the moment it began. Curiosity finally got the better of her. She sauntered over to Tony and casually sat on the edge of his desk.
He looked up at this unexpected intrusion with an expression of aggravation. "What?!"
"Something wrong?" Ziva asked sweetly.
"No."
"Come on," she coaxed. "You can tell me."
"This doesn't concern you, Ziva. Butt out."
"I would. But watching you squirm and sit up and down all morning is driving me a little crazy."
"You're already crazy, Ziva, we just didn't tell you sooner."
Ziva smiled mildly and turned her attention to Agent Timothy McGee.
"McGee," she called out.
The young agent snapped to attention and looked up at Ziva from his computer. "Uh, yes?"
"McGee, what do you think is wrong with Tony today?"
A look of confusion crossed Tim's face. "Wrong? Something's wrong with Tony?"
"Yes. Haven't you noticed all his ups and downs today?" Ziva slid from Tony's desk, and did her best to mimic Tony's squirming and sit-and-stand motions, only with grand exaggerations.
"I hadn't noticed, Ziva," Tim said apologetically.
"Thank you, Probie," Tony said, shooting Ziva a look that would freeze water.
"Um, can I go back to work now? Because Gibbs really wants this-"
"Yes, McGee," Ziva said impatiently, cutting off the other agent.
At that moment, Tony clenched his jaw, and slowly stood. With a sigh of exasperation, he once again sat down.
Ziva was still standing at his desk, her arms folded. "You know what you look like, Tony?"
"A guy who's still pissed you're still here?"
"You look like a child that is trying to ignore the fact that his ladder is full."
Tony's head sunk, and he closed his eyes. "That's bladder. And no, I don't need to go pee, Mother dearest."
"Ah-ha...if it is not the urge to urinate, then it must be..."
"Thank you, Ziva, for your unwelcome attention to my bodily functions," Tony said sarcastically.
"Might I ask why Ziva is concerned with your bodily functions, Agent DiNozzo?"
"Yeah, I was kinda wondering the same thing, Duck,"an unamused voice boomed.
Both Tony and Ziva looked up in surprise.
The two new voices belonged to Dr. 'Ducky' Mallard and Special Agent Jethro Gibbs. Both were standing behind one of the desk partitions to Tony's right. Ziva and Tony knew better than to ask 'When did you get here?' or 'How long have you been standing there?'.
Any prior attitude of levity vanished from Ziva's demeanour. Tony simply looked happy to be out from under Ziva's scrutiny.
"I think I'd like to hear the answer to Dr. Mallard's question, Officer David," Gibbs said.
Tony grinned at Ziva with a school-boy now you're gonna get it expression.
"Well, if you want my opinion," she said testily, "I think Tony looks emaciated."
"That's constipated," Tony snapped, then instantly covered his mouth.
Ziva ginned in triumph. "That wasn't so hard to admit, now was it?"
Ducky and Gibbs laughed. Ziva chuckled quietly, partly from getting Tony to admit he was constipated, and partly from relief that Gibbs was in a cheery mood.
"Is this true, Agent DiNozzo?" Ducky asked with mock seriousness.
Tony shot a sour glance at Ziva, who was retreating to her the safety of her desk. "Yes. But only a couple days."
"Hmm. I see. This is why I always caution you about all those fatty, high carbohydrate foods you insist on consuming," Ducky started to say.
"Yeah," Tony cut in, "fatty, high carbohydrate good-tasting foods!"
"But Tony, it's not good for your gut," Ducky continued, patting his own paunch. "You need more fiber in your diet."
"Fiber," Tony echoed. "That sounds like I should eat something that resembles someone's overgrown lawn."
"Actually, he's right, Tony," Gibbs added. "I'd rather you be 'regular' than hit-and-miss. Can't always find decent facilities out in the field."
"Are we done having potty-jokes at Tony's expense, already?" Tony griped.
"Shoe's on the other foot now," Ziva piped up from her desk. "And I think I got that one right that time."
"In all seriousness, Tony, I do happen to keep some breakfast cereal with me here. It's for those times when I'm called in unexpectedly early in the morning and I haven't had time for a proper meal. It's quite high in fiber. It should do the trick."
"I think I'll pass," Tony said.
"Actually, if you eat the cereal, you will pass," Ducky said, "whatever's got you so...backed-up."
"Tony," Gibbs said, "eat the darn cereal. I can't have you disrupting everyone else with your little dance. Right, Officer David?
"Oh, uh, right, Gibbs." Ziva answered.
"Besides, I've had a few handfuls of cereal from Ducky's stash. It's not bad," Gibbs said.
"I'll even make it worth your while, Tony," Ducky put in.
"Oh yeah? How's that?" Tony asked skeptically.
"You can keep the prize at the bottom of the box."
Tony perked up slightly. "Prize? What is it?"
"I believe the box advertised a free movie rental," Ducky said.
"A movie rental," Tony said, disappointment evident. "Ducky, I own practically every movie there is worth watching. Well, actually, now that you mention it, a free rental is good for something. It's like separating the wheat from the chaff, you know? Some movies you gotta see on the big screen, and some you just have to rent."
"Yes, well, whatever you do with the rental is up to you, Tony. Just promise me you'll actually eat the cereal."
"Eat it," Gibbs repeated, "or I'll spike your lattes with Ex-Lax."
ooo
A few minutes later, Dr. Mallard did indeed return with the aforementioned box of high-fiber breakfast cereal.
"Here you are, Tony," Ducky said, plopping it down in the desk. "Bon appétit."
Tony gave his colleague a sardonic smile. " 'Fiber Flakes'. Mmm...Yummy!" He turned the box around to read the list of ingredients. "'Whole grains; includes whole wheat, whole oats, barley, bulgar and millet...Wow. Sounds like a whole lot of fun, already...What's this word? S-s-s..Psyllium?I don't even know what this is."
"It's better than it sounds, trust me, Tony." Dr. Mallard departed with a wave of his hand.
Tony opened the box and sniffed its contents suspiciously. He shoved his hand into it and pulled out a handful of the cereal.
A moment later, some of the flakes were showering down on McGee's desk.
"Hey!" Tim exclaimed.
Ziva swallowed a chuckle.
Tony heard her, and pelted a handful in her direction. She swatted at the offending, albeit tiny projectiles while Tony laughed.
"Ha! That's for making me talk about my private business."
McGee frowned, and turned his keyboard up-side down to shake loose some smaller particles that had landed on it.
Ziva scooped the cereal from her desk into her palm and tossed it back at Tony. "Food fight!" she exclaimed.
Tony grinned and emptied the entire contents of the box onto his desk.
"You and what army?" he asked, a smug expression on his face. He grabbed a handful and hurled it at Ziva. She quickly pulled up a binder as a shield, and the offending flakes were neatly deflected.
"Missed!" she cried gleefully.
Tim, seeing that it would be no use to sit this one out, swept the grains he'd dumped from his keyboard onto a piece of paper, and stealthily crept closer to Tony. He noted that Ziva and Tony were totally engrossed in fighting each other, and thought he'd be able to launch a surprise attack.
He took a deliberate and circuitous route, and was now behind Tony, who's just fired off another bunch in Ziva's direction.
In another second, Tony's hair was covered with cereal crumbs Tim had sprinkled there.
Ziva, amused by the sight, simply could not contain herself and giggled, eyes squeezed shut.
"Probie." Tony said, turning slowly to face Tim, his voice like steel. "You don't ever, ever, mess with the hair. Understand?"
Tim shrugged. "That's what you get for messing with my computer. I'd say we're even."
Tony reached behind him for another fistful of cereal from his desk. He crunched it noisily and rubbed it on top of Tim's head, deliberately grinding it into his neatly-combed hair.
"Now we're even," Tony said with a smirk.
A sudden unexpected (but no less familiar) sensation brought Tony out of his celebratory smugness. He rubbed the back of his head, which was smarting from the slap only one other person could possibly have delivered.
"DiNozzo; McGee; David...What the hell are you doin'?" Gibbs demanded.
"Um, it was them, Boss," Tim sputtered. "I was just returning to Tony what belonged to him."
"Yeah?" Gibbs asked, eyebrows raised.
Tim nodded. "Yes."
"He started it," Ziva chimed in. "He can't help playing with his food."
"I don't care who started it," Gibbs snapped. "Clean it up. Everyone."
With a sigh, Tony leaned down to pick up his garbage can.
"Uh-uh," Gibbs said, putting his foot on the receptacle forcing it back to the floor. "Not in there ..."
He grabbed Tony behind the neck, scooped up a handful of cereal, and shoved it into the younger man's gaping mouth. "In there. All of you. I so much as see a speck of cereal in your garbage cans, I'm making you eat nothing but compost for the next week."
Tony nearly spat up the contents of his mouth.
"Boss, you're not serious, are you?" Tim asked, dismay evident on his face.
"Look at me and tell me I'm joking around here, McGee," Gibbs replied, his face set like stone. "Didn't your mother ever tell you it's wrong to waste food? Eat it. All of it."
Tim sighed, knowing it was pointless to continue arguing.
Gibbs retreated to his own desk, shoes crunching over flakes that had landed on the floor.
Tony's face contorted in disgust.
"Oh, I'm not eating that!" Tim said, looking over at his colleagues.
"He did that on purpose." Tony pouted.
"What is 'compost'?" Ziva asked quietly.
ooo
Twenty minutes later, all the bits of scattered cereal had been collected and grudgingly consumed under Gibbs' watchful eyes.
"I think I'm going to be sick," McGee groaned.
Tony was rubbing his stomach miserably. "Easy for you to say. I think I tasted saw dust when I chewed on those pieces Gibbs mashed under his shoes."
Tim grimaced at the description.
"Oh, you're both whining like a bunch of hippies," Ziva commented, shaking her head.
"I think you mean 'sissies'," Tim said by way of correction. "And why aren't you complaining?"
"I've eaten far less appetizing things."
"Forget it. I don't want to know any more details," Tim said.
Suddenly, Tony seemed to perk up. He rubbed his hands together and shoved his arm in all the way to the bottom of the box. His fingers scraped away at the cardboard, and peeled away something that was stuck there.
"Aha! Got it!"
"Got what?" Tim asked, peering up in Tony's direction.
"My prize!" Tony peered intently at the small, gold-colored ticket wrapped in cellophane. "'BlockBester Movies' ?" He furrowed his brow. "Never heard of them. Oh, well. I get a free movie off them, so I don't care what they're called."
"What are you going to borrow?" Tim asked.
"Well, since my knowledge of movies - as well as my personal collection - is quite extensive, it'll have to be one that's a new release."
"In light of your recent problem with regularity, perhaps you should borrow 'Frequency'." Tim chortled.
"Not funny, Probie," Tony muttered.
" 'Frequency'...That is the one with Jim Cav...Cavity...yes?" Ziva asked.
"Caviezel." McGee said helpfully. "A cavity is like when your tooth rots."
Ziva nodded thoughtfully. "Thank you. Some of these American actors...sometimes their names are so strange..."
"Ah...you like Jimmy Caviezel, don't you?" Tony pressed playfully.
"As a matter of fact, I think he's rather attractive," Ziva said curtly.
"Oh, really?"
"Yes."
Tim and Tony exchanged amused glances.
Ziva appeared slightly flustered. "If you must know...you see...well, he kind of reminds me of Roy. There. I said it. Now can we please drop it and get back to actual work, now?"
"Sure," Tony said. "Only lemme ask you one thing: You're a Jew; he played Jesus Christ. How would that relationship ever work?"
He ducked as a binder flew straight towards his head. "I think I preferred it when she was throwing 'Fiber Flakes'," he said.
ooo
"Why the glum face, McGee?"
Tim had just entered the forensics lab where Goth-scientist, Abby Sciuto, was monitoring the mass spectrometer and other computers as they buzzed through various processes. At hand was her ubiquitous extra-large cup of Caf-Pow! She slurped from the red straw, her pursed lips made-up with ultra-dark red lip-stick. A white lab coat was her only concession to the dress-code regulations of her profession; everything else screamed alternative lifestyle. With knee-high black boots, tattoos, rings, pasty-white foundation and hair dyed black, Abby was nevertheless an indispensable member of the team.
Tim rolled his eyes and said one word: "Gibbs."
It was sufficient enough explanation, and Abby nodded knowingly.
"What'd you do to piss him off this time?"
"Food fight," Tim said, trying to hide his embarrassment. "He made Tony, Ziva and me eat the cereal we tossed around. I think I'm gonna be sick."
Abby's eyes flew furtively from her Caf-Pow to a bowl on one of the lab benches. Tim followed her guilty glance and spied an almost-empty bowl of what appeared to be Fiber Flakes and some milk.
"You eat that stuff willingly?" Tim exclaimed, his face taking on a look of betrayal and accusation.
"Sure, McGee," Abby said with a sly smile. "It's healthy. Ducky said I could have whenever I wanted, so I had some."
"Ugh," Tim said in disgust. "And today just had to be the day you chose to have some."
"It's not my fault, McGee. The Director called me in early this morning. I poured a bowl while I waited for Ol' Faithful to fire up," Abby replied, gesturing towards the mass spec. "But what can I do for you, since you obviously didn't come down here to chat about breakfast?.."
"You know how Gibbs gets when he thinks we're not producing results fast enough," Tim answered.
Abby chortled. "Yeah. 'Tim, go help Abby'," she did her best gruff imitation of their boss.
"I suppose we can both stare at the computers," Tim suggested, "though it always feels like watching a pot boil."
They each pulled up a stool, sat, and stared as endless data scrolled along the screens opposite them.
At a loss for conversation, Tim's mind wandered to Tony's prize at the bottom of the cereal box.
"Do you think there's a movie out there Tony hasn't seen or knows about? He's got this free movie rental, and you know how he's always going on about some obscure film, and how it pertains to a case?"
"Well," Abby said thoughtfully, "that might be hard. Tony's become a serious movie buff over the past 4 or 5 years."
"What is it with him and movies, anyway? It's like he thinks he's Remington Steele, or something."
"Oh, I love that show! Pierce and Stephanie were so good together."
"I would have thought Tony was too busy looking at girlie magazines to look at TV or movies," Tim replied.
"Well..." Abby said with glee, "Kate once told me that he didn't even know who Shane was."
"Who's Shane?" asked Tim, eyes squinting in confusion.
Abby blinked. "Alan Ladd?"
"Right," Tim said dubiously, giving his head a shake. "Never saw it."
"That's because you're a geek, McGee," Abby said. "Think about it: you spend all your free time in front of this...ancient typewriter...free-associating the night away!"
"Thanks," Tim shot back sarcastically. "What's wrong with spending my free time hashing out ideas for a novel?"
"You really want me to answer that?"
"Forget it," Tim said with a sigh. "Look, just because I don't watch old movies and - and memorize plots and dialogue and do stupid impressions of dead actors does not make me a geek!"
"Of course not, McGee," Abby said in a placating tone. "You just...write about the adventures of Agent Tibbs, Officer Lisa and Agent Tommy all you want."
Tim rolled his eyes.
"Hey. Has Jimmy forgiven you for the 'Pimmy Jalmer' character yet?"