Spoilers: None . Except season 7 and 'Biogenesis' hasn't happened.
Keywords: Alternate Universe, Samantha is alive, blah, blah, blah.
Disclaimer: Yeah, right! Like I'm that creative to think up two really cool characters. But CC deserves all the credit.
Author's Notes: This is the first fanfic I ever wrote, and I thought some of you might enjoy it. I've really considered getting back into the fanfic writing game, but I'll let you guys be the judge of whether this is a smart venture or not. You can give me feedback, but please be gentle because I was very young when I first wrote it. All-in-all, it's still not bad for my first time.
Enjoy!
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The boxes were all packed up and ready to go. It had taken her two weeks of dodging, lying, and long lunches to be able to pull this off. She wasn't sure even how she had even done it at all. The Bureau wasn't the best place to try and keep a secret, especially when it dealt with leaving. But Skinner had kept his word and not told Mulder. It still didn't surprise her, though, when he called her up saying they needed to discuss some information he received today.
The quest had ended, and Samantha was found at last. That was nearly a month ago, almost too much time. From the time he'd found her, Mulder had been preoccupied; not showing up for work, blowing off the X-Files entirely just to be with her. With her return, there really was no reason for him to continue his work, to find the truth. It had been found, as far as he was concerned, and the whole nightmare had ended.
The fact that he'd even called her was a surprise, she told herself in the car. He hadn't even attempted to talk to her for the past week. Yes, he was suspicious, but he never questioned it. He must've figured it was some new habit she'd formed, seeing how he wasn't dragging her around the world on a senseless quest anymore; a quest that she had adopted as her own, but didn't have nearly as much passion as he did.
She knew this to be truth. As much as she wanted to, she could not find the strength and determination Mulder did to keep looking. When she wanted to give up, it was he who pushed her to look even harder. That drive he instilled gave her the strength to find the answers she was looking for about her own experience and about her child, Emily. Now, with his quest fulfilled, she no longer felt the desire he had for so long expressed to find the truth.
As hard as it was to admit to herself, Dana Scully wished that Samantha Mulder had never been found. The intense desire that drove Mulder to find the truth was now gone, along with the desire she carried to stay with him.
She walked slowly down the hall. Does he know that she's leaving? Will he convince her to stay? Will he demand an answer as to why she is leaving him? All too many questions raced through her mind as she stopped in front of his door. She hesitated at first, not sure what to expect. But slowly, she raised her hand up, and knocked on the door. This is it, she thought, time to face the piper.
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The time that lapsed between him opening the door and her walking in to sit down felt like an eternity. Both were nervous and not sure what to say. For the first time since they'd been partners, they were scared to trust one another.
"Can I get you something to drink?" Mulder asked.
"No," she replied. She kept her head down and watched as his feet moved towards the desk chair to sit down. If I can avoid eye contact, maybe I won't break down, she thought.
The silence was intense. Neither knew what to say or who should go first. But finally, Mulder decided to speak. "I guess since I called you, I should go first. I was in Skinner's office today, and I found out some news that you should've told me." She still refused to meet his eyes, but she could feel him staring right at her. "When were you going to tell me? Or better yet, were you ever going to tell me?"
Scully had planned a simple, logical answer to that question, but sitting in the room with him now, all of her thoughts disappeared. The only answer she could come up with at that precise moment was, "I feel it's time for a change."
Mulder looked at her quizzically and replied, "I don't get it. Chasing after paranormal creatures of great and small is not challenging enough for you anymore?"
Scully stands up and begins to pace the floor. Damn, this was going to be as hard as she thought it would be. "It's not that, Mulder. Ever since you found Samantha and brought down the project,"
He cuts her off abruptly, "So that's what this is all about." She looks at him,
puzzled.
"You wish that we never found her, don't you?"
"I didn't say that." She turns away from him, too ashamed to admit that he was right.
"You don't have to. Admit it, Scully. You're jealous of Samantha. You can't stand the fact that another woman has my attention."
She whipped around, arms crossed, "Don't flatter yourself, Mulder."
"First it was Diana who you set out to prove was my enemy, by any means necessary,"
"And I was right on that one."
"And now my own sister has somehow set off your radar detector again. Well, I'm sorry, Scully, but this time you are definitely wrong." He walked past her, seemingly angry, into the kitchen. Scully sighs heavily. She didn't come here to fight with him, but that's what the whole thing was turning into. I have to make it better right now, she thought.
As Scully walked into the kitchen, she could tell he was upset. Mulder was bracing himself with his hands, facing the sink. His head was low, but she could read the expression on his face. He had the same expression about a year ago when she told him she was leaving then.
Scully walked over and laid a tender hand on his shoulder, but Mulder pulled away and walked over to open the refrigerator. He must be hurting badly, she thought. Both knew there was nothing in his refrigerator, so it could only mean one thing: Mulder was avoiding the hurt by avoiding Scully.
All of a sudden, the words she had meant to say minutes before finally came back to her. And without even thinking, Scully began to tell what was inside her heart. "Mulder, I have been your partner for six years. And in that time I have seen you go after every case with an intense need and desire to discover the truth. I have never seen that in another human being or in myself. I drew off of that, and I got all of my strength from your beliefs and desires. Because of you, I questioned my own beliefs and on the authenticity of them." Mulder slowly turned around, closing the door, and looked at her face. Tears were beginning to slowly run down her cheeks.
"So then why are you leaving me?" he asked.
Scully wiped one tear away. "Because ever since you found your sister, I have seen that desire slowly disappear, Mulder. And I don't want to stay and watch you completely change."
"I haven't changed, Scully."
"Yes, you have, Mulder." She paused, trying to read his face. In the past month it had become harder and harder to do, but this time she could see the real question in his eyes. "Think about it, Mulder. If you had never lost Samantha, if she was never abducted, can you honestly tell me that you wouldn't be where you are right now? Would you be assigned to the X-Files?" She hesitated on the final thought, "Would you and I have ever been assigned to each other?"
Mulder didn't respond. How could he? He wasn't sure, himself, if the events from the past nine years would have unfolded if Samantha hadn't been abducted. He just stared at Scully, pondering the questions she asked, wondering how his life would be different. Apparently, he took too long thinking, and Scully finally spoke.
"My, my plane leaves at 1:00 p.m., and I still have some packing to finish up. I wasn't going to tell you before, but I think I will now because I would still like us to be friends. I'm transferring to San Diego. This way I can be closer to my family, even though my mom will still be here." She sighed heavily, reading him. He stood there, looking down at the floor, bracing himself against the counter. Figuring there was no more to say, Scully turned and walked out of the kitchen.
As she opened the front door, he startled her by leaning against the doorframe of the kitchen, saying, "So that's it, huh? Six years down the drain, is that it?"
Scully shut the door and turned to face him, tears stinging the sides of her eyes. "Mulder, I told you,"
He cut her off, "You told me that I brought out the best in you. Well, who said that you didn't do the same for me? Before you came, I was certain I would never trust anyone again. Then you came in with your hierarchy, scientific 'evidence', and all of a sudden, I found my other half." Both of them felt a sense of deja vu as he was saying this, but Mulder continued. "I will admit that I never knew what I would do if I found my sister, but I knew that as long as I had you by my side, I could find the strength to continue."
"But, Mulder, you have found the truth you so desperately sought for so long. What else is there that you need me for?"
He moved slowly towards her, closing the space between, and gently placed his hand on her cheek. "I need you to make me whole, Scully. There is always more truth to find out there. And without you there to help me, I will continue to believe the lie over and over again."
"But you have Samantha now. She can help you decipher between the truth and the lie."
Mulder sighed heavily and gently brought Scully's forehead to meet his. How can this woman be so stubborn and smart is a mystery, he thought.
"But she has not been with me on this journey from the beginning. Yes, I love my sister, and yes, she can give me information I need. But you are the one who keeps me grounded in reality." Mulder tilted her head up and tried to kiss her.
Scully, realizing she still had motor functions, stopped him abruptly. Further realizing she still had her hand on the doorknob, she attempted to open the door wider, but Mulder was much quicker. He repositioned himself and closed the door with a slight push of his body weight on the palms of his hands. Scully, losing all her strength, began to break down and cry, thanking God that she was not facing Mulder.
"Why?" she finally said. "Why do you always wait until I'm ready to leave to tell me something like this?"
Mulder, very gently, turned her around. Scully's face was red with emotion, tear tracks all down her face, and only more to follow. He slowly moved his hands up to cup her face. Finally, after a long minute, he gives the simplest, most honest answer he can say. "I guess I don't ever realize what I have until it's about to be taken away."
Scully slowly closed her eyes, and began to study his response in her head. She knew he was telling her the truth. Everything, and everyone he had ever cared about had been taken away from him without him being able to tell them how he felt: first his sister, then his father, and now her.
Scully placed her hands on his wrists, as more of a brace. She began to dip her head in defeat against him, but he wouldn't allow her to. He slowly lifted her head back up to look into her eyes; he wanted to see what she was feeling. Scully let out a soft chuckle, not sure if it was to laugh off the crying or to release the tension that was being built. Mulder searched her eyes, Scully doing the same. Once they had found what they were looking for, Mulder bent down slowly, ever so slowly, and brushed his lips against hers. Anticipating this move, Scully had parted her mouth slightly, but a brush was all she got.
Watching as her eyes sparkled, Mulder tried it again. This time, Scully met him half way. Their lips brushed lightly against each other; very soft, and somewhat soothing. Scully smiled at the anticipation, but it soon faded as Mulder kissed her softly on the lips. It was nothing fancy, but it was enough to send both into a headspin.
Mulder broke away, leaving Scully standing there with her eyes closed.
"Please stay," he said.
"Okay", she replied, knowing he meant forever and she meant for the night.
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Time was lost again; next thing that Scully remembered was standing next to Mulder's bed. They stood facing each other, Scully with her head tilted down looking at the floor. She couldn't look him in the eye, afraid that he would see right through her.
Mulder gently took his index finger and raised her chin to meet his gaze. Her eyes were still recovering from the tears shed, but he was still able to see the feelings in her eyes reflect his own. He placed a kiss on her lips, lightly at first but soon deepened with dueling passion. Mulder's hand left her chin and joined the other to unbutton her blouse. Everything was moving in slow motion, which would only make it more memorable in the end.
As soon as he was done, Mulder moved his hands to her shoulders and slowly discarded the blouse to the floor, the whole time without breaking the kiss. Scully had proceeded to unbutton his shirt as well, but didn't discard it in the same fashion. She brought her hands up to cup his face, mimicking the motion he made earlier, standing on her toes to get a better taste.
Scully slowly broke off the kiss, closed her eyes. "Turn around."
Knowing better than to argue, he did as she wished and turned his back to her. Scully leaned her head into the crook of his back for just a moment. She wasn't sure if she was going to be able to do this. Suddenly, she found her momentum and began to proceed to take off Mulder's shirt.
She lifted her head up and watched as her hands traced up his sleeves and onto his shoulders. Slowly, and with the same care he gave her, Scully began to discard Mulder of his shirt and let it fall to the floor in the same manner.
Mulder wanted to turn around and see her, but Scully protested by sliding her arms under his and wrapping them around his chest. She pulled herself to his back while raking his chest with her fingers. When he was finally close enough, Scully began to nibble on the crook between his shoulder blades. He smelled of sweat and Tide. Apparently, today was laundry day. Mulder's hands joined hers on his chest, stopping the movement on both sides. Scully breathed a heavy sigh and turned her head sideways to lay it on his back.
Without realizing how long she'd been standing there, Scully was taken by surprise when Mulder unhooked their hands and turned to face her again. He knew what was happening. She was afraid to face him, but he couldn't figure out why. He didn't really care at that moment. All he knew was that she was here with him; no conspiracies, X-Files, or anything could interfere with a destiny that was set in motion six years ago.
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Scully had asked him to take it slow, to remember everything about the first time they made love. But time had lapsed again, and all she had were vivid memories; Mulder being careful as he laid on top of her, the moment he entered her body making them one; meeting his forehead with hers, sharing the same breath. Becoming whole.
Mulder was now, mindlessly, make circles across her back with the pads of his fingers. As they laid in silence, minutes seemed to become hours, hours to days, days to months, until finally Mulder asked the question Scully had been dreading all night.
"Why won't you look at me?"
In a way, Scully was hoping he hadn't noticed she was avoiding his eyes. She knew if she looked into them, she couldn't hide the truth.
She maneuvered herself so her chin was resting on his chest. There were many answers she could've given, but it boiled down to one phrase.
"I'm afraid," she said.
Mulder looked confused, "Afraid of me? Afraid that I'll hurt you, or I'll think less of you or,"
Scully sighed heavily and sat up. Her back was to him, which allowed him to still draw the circles. His touch was still so new, and a pain began to rise in her chest. The thought of knowing she would never allow herself to feel him again was unbearable.
Tears were beginning to swell behind her eyes. She had her knees pulled close to her chest in an upright cradle position. She knew the hurt he was going to feel in the morning when she was gone, and tried desperately to find the words to help him understand, without telling him the truth.
"Mulder, of all the people in my life, you would be the last I would expect to hurt me."
Mulder leaned up next to her, mimicking her current position, and placed his arm lightly across her back. "Then what is it?" he asked.
"Maybe I'm afraid that I will hurt you. That you will see into my soul and know my deepest, darkest secrets. Maybe then you'll realize who I am and you'll be ashamed of me."
Scully's tears began to fall. Mulder felt helpless, and the only thing he could think of doing was to just hold her tightly in his arms. He leaned his head against hers, closed his eyes, and held her close. Scully leaned into his touch and wrapped her arms around the one crossing her chest.
Finally, Mulder took his arm around her chest and slowly tilted her chin to face him. She still refused to look at him, and closed her eyes.
"Look at me, Scully," he said.
Scully reluctantly opened her eyes. The blue was accented by the redness caused by the tears. Mulder cupped her face with his hand as he continued.
"Now you listen to me. I have looked into your soul many times, and I know that no matter how much we argue, fight, hate, love, I will never be ashamed of you. You have risked so much for me, for both of us to survive." Tears were beginning to stream down her cheeks now. Mulder placed his forehead against hers. "The only thing we have to be ashamed of now, is hiding how we feel for each other for so long."
Scully's tears flowed easier after he said that. Before, they were flowing from pain. Now, they were being shed out of love. Scully embraced him tightly, then pulled back to look at him. She began to kiss him passionately. Mulder pulled her back into him for a close embrace. He then gently laid her back down to the bed, never breaking the kiss.
Scully began to touch, smell, see, taste, and hear all she could and processed it to memory. For the morning was not too far away.
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As feared, morning had come too soon. Scully was lying on her back, Mulder was draped lightly over her. Hand over hand, head to head, heart to heart. Scully opened her eyes slowly, praying that the inevitable had not arrived. Against all her better judgement, she turned her head and saw the sun peeking through the blinds.
Scully sighed heavily. Deep down, she had wanted the night to last forever. To be safe in Mulder's arms and block out the world around them. Nothing mattered the night before; no conspiracies, no inner threat, no persons to find. Just love and openness was all there was left to explore. But she knew, when she agreed to stay for the night, everything would change. Not just their status with each other, but their safety as well.
Scully slowly slid out of the bed, careful not to wake him up. He stirred a little, but didn't gain consciousness. Scully, quickly, put her clothes on and looked at the clock. 8:30am. Bill and Charlie would be at her apartment now helping with the packing.
She called her apartment, and, of course, her brothers were there. Scully didn't explain to Bill where she was, but he had an idea. Bill always noticed a glow in his sister's eyes whenever she talked of Mulder, and he knew that leaving him would be the hardest thing for her to do. Bill explained that he and Charlie were almost done, and Scully assured him that she was on her way there to finish.
Upon hanging up the phone, Scully was startle by Mulder standing in the doorway.
"Who were you talking to?" he asked.
"My brother." Mulder looked a little confused, so Scully decided to lie and save Mulder's heart from breaking for the time being, as well as her own.
"Um, I was, uh, checking my messages, and he came by for a visit. He was a little worried until he picked up the phone and realized it was me."
Mulder pulled her close to him and began to plant light kisses along her collarbone. "So I guess breakfast in bed is out of the question?"
Scully smiled at the remark and closed her eyes. Mulder pulled her tightly into his embrace, actually picking her up off the ground. Scully held on for dear life. As the tears began to swell behind her eyes again she began to think, 'maybe, if we could stay like this forever, then I don't have to leave.' But she knew it wouldn't last. She pulled back and leaned her forehead against his, and planted a soft kiss on his lips.
"I'd better go," she said.
A silent tear fell. Mulder cupped her face with his right hand and brushed the tear away with his thumb. "You know, Scully, out of the six years I've known you, I think this is the most I've seen you cry."
Scully took his hand and placed a kiss on the palm. "Because I can't remember the last time I was truly happy, until now." She cupped his face and gave him one last passionate kiss.
"I'll call you this afternoon," she said.
She slowly pulled away from his embrace, walked backward towards the door and watched as his fingers slipped through her own. He followed her to the door and shut it behind her. Scully tried desperately to gain her composure as she walked towards the elevator. She wanted so much to just turn around and head back to Mulder's arms, where it was safe, warm, and trusting. But she had to remain strong, for she knew for both of them to survive, they could never be together after last night.
Upon entering the elevator, Scully mumbled words, through salt-tasting tears, what she hoped she would never have to say. "All good things come to an end."
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6:00pm
All afternoon, Mulder waited for her to call, but the phone never rang. He sat on the edge of his couch with his hands running through his hair. Nothing could be wrong, he thought. He began to connect the dots in his head.
Bill wasn't the kind of guy who would just pop in unannounced, not even to visit his sister. He was probably there for another reason, but what?
And then it hit him, hard. Bill was there to help Scully move. Mulder felt an ache rise into his chest. No, he thought, not after last night. Not after what happened between us. She said she would stay.
Mulder slowly ran his hands over his face, through his hair, and braced at the base of his neck. A solitary tear ran down his face and hovered at the tip of his nose. Although he was certain of the answer, Mulder had to know for sure, so he grabbed his car keys and left.
Mulder had never put much faith in God, but as he walked down the hallway to Scully's door, he was praying silently. Please God, just let her be on the other side of the door.
He knocked, loudly. The ache that had formed in his chest was now spreading to his stomach and formed a knot when there was no answer. Mulder pulled out the spare key she'd given him so long ago and slowly opened the door.
Emptiness surrounded him as he entered the room. No furniture, no carpet, no books, nothing was there to show signs of being lived in. He noticed a small envelope sitting atop the mantle above the fireplace with his name on it. He drew a heavy sigh as he opened the envelope and pulled out the letter:
"The journey we started so long ago has now come to an end. I truly believe that now. After last night, being with you so intimately, I realized how much you mean to me, and how much I mean to you. Please don't be angry. We always knew this day would come, but I don't think neither of us expected it this soon.
I must now start my own journey, one that I cannot ask you to take. You have Samantha again, and I feel it would be selfish of me to ask you to leave her again for me.
I am giving you this cross as a symbol of our bond. Wear it to remember the faith I have in you, and the love I will have for you.
-Scully"
Mulder tilted the envelope and the little gold cross and chain fell out. He slowly slid down the edge of the fireplace, staring at the pendant that meant so much in such a small form. He held it tightly as he looked out the window and a single tear fell from his face. He tried not to think about how much he loved her, but it was no use.
As the sun slowly faded outside the window, his remorse turned anger, and the cross dug into his palm as his fist tightened around the small charm.
"No, Scully, you're not going to get away that easily."
End
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