Disclaimer:
Obviously, this is fake. I wrote it to make fun of the people who are really against gay marriage.
During this past year, the threat to American marriage has intensified tenfold. Lawmakers at the state and federal level have been lobbying for the legalization of an "alternative" form of marriage that is not currently considered to be valid. If the legalization laws pass, the traditional institution of marriage will be struck a blow from which it will never recover.
"Europe, which gave us the idea of hetero marriage, is a dying society, with birthrates 50 percent below replacement," National Organization for Marriage chairperson Maggie Gallagher said.
The proposed laws vary from state to state, but they all promise some form of legal recognition to heterosexual marriage. Several states are considering the issue of customized marriage licenses designed especially for heterosexual couples, while others plan to use the same licenses that they issue to traditional couples. Either way, the licenses will allow hetero couples to file joint income tax returns, inherit shares of their spouse's estates, and receive various medical and employment benefits.
Basically, a "marriage" between two straight people will be given the same legal rights as a typical homosexual union.
"We will see a breakdown of the family and family values if we decide to approve same-sex marriage," Southern Baptist pastor Jerry Falwell said. "That will happen if we decide to establish heterosexuality as an acceptable alternative lifestyle with all the benefits that go with equating it with the homosexual lifestyle."
Even though heterosexuality has been legal in America for nearly ten years, it has been scientifically proven to be an unhealthy form of attraction that leads to negative consequences for both parties involved.
"It's just not natural," said Kansas resident Daniel Bell. "Men and women are so different. It's almost impossible to imagine them together."
Heterosexual relationships often end badly for both parties involved, but the women get an especially unfair deal. A woman who becomes involved with a man runs a high risk of accidentally becoming pregnant, and statistics show that women in heterosexual relationships are more likely to become the victims of "date rape" and physical abuse. Men are not immune either: They tend to be the targets of mental manipulation or verbal abuse, and have a high risk of sexually-transmitted diseases.
Many men who are involved with a woman lose their attraction toward other men, and can become addicted to heterosexual encounters to the point of nymphomania. Even one short relationship with a woman can permanently affect a man's psyche, turning someone who was merely curious into a rampant breeder.
The term "breeder", while derogatory, is an accurate description of many heterosexuals. These immoral couples constantly churn out children without even intending to conceive them, sometimes as often as every year. Since the couples rarely stay together for the time required to raise a child, their offspring up being shuffled from parent to parent or even abandoned entirely.
The homosexual practices of adoption and artificial insemination are much more practical for an advanced industrial society such as our own. They remove the factor of chance from conceiving a child, making sure that children are always born to a couple that is willing to raise them. The homosexual attitudes toward child-rearing and relationships have helped America become the great country it is today.
The proposed heterosexual marriage laws will undo all of that. America will be full of diseased, wife-beating breeders with unwanted children. If the civil right of marriage is given to these people, then it will cease to have any meaning for normal couples. Many people who otherwise would have lived normal lives will choose to be married to a heterosexual instead.
"This is an abomination," said Fred Phelps, a pastor at the Westboro Baptist Church in Topeka, Kan. "Everyone knows that God hates breeders."
All religion aside, the heterosexual vision of the future would be Hell on Earth.