I pull up my music library, scrolling and scrolling until I find the right song. I blast it-no one's home, no one ever is anymore.

I sink to my knees. There's this unknown feeling throbbing in my gut. It feels like someone's pushing a sword into me, not fast and simple and then you die like the movies, but slow and tantalizing like I'm sure some sadistic knights did in real life. Whoever's controlling this blade is sick and twisted and I reach out to try to bat them away but just let out a gurgled scream instead.

I feel the world spinning around me and I grab hold of the carpet so I don't fall off. My head's pushed into the furry rug, my forehead pounding against it, and I let go of the carpet because in this moment I just want to die. I stick my fingers in my ears trying to turn off my brain and instead just hear the pulse of life throbbing inside me and I want it out, off.

I feel my room start to shake and I realize it's my vision, my eyes that he had complimented before.

I look at my disheveled clothing that I messily threw on after. My jacket had a rip in it from his knife and my face was probably smeared with my blood from when he punched me.

I feel a steady throb of pain, a little beep on the radar. I shut my eyes and fumble for my phone. It's beeping; I was supposed to be at Jade's for rehearsal and then a sleepover now that we were friends. I growl as it beeps again and throw it against my closet. It shatters.

I'm disgusted by myself. He came out of nowhere and then he dragged me into that dark van and I thought he was going to kidnap me but no-no-he had to be that much worse.

I want out of myself. I want to somehow rip myself open and just let my thoughts and feelings and soul fly from myself and dissipate.

I feel the sword again. It's rough and twists in all the right places so I scream again. It's less gargled.

It feels good.

I scream again, louder, and feel my vision become blurred as my shoulders shake. I feel the tears glide down my cheeks like a Frisbee through the sky and I scream again and again and again. Eventually the screams sound less like screams and more like sobs.

Don't scream, beautiful. We wouldn't want that pretty face ruined.

I hear a beep interrupt my music and I see it's a message from Jade.

"Where are you?"

I was supposed to be there two hours ago. Fuck it.

I disconnect my laptop and throw it out the window. It makes a satisfying noise of despair before dying.

I feel my legs give out and I fall again, lost in my sobs. My brain is trying to escape my skull and I want it all to stop-everything. I want to rewind and go back to before when I was happy instead of after.

I let out another scream and hear a knock on the door. It's unlocked. I don't give a shit who comes in.

I hear a thud of footsteps and I can't help it, I sob again. There's a turn of my door and a click and I hear footsteps and I'm aware of someone sinking to their knees next to me.

"Are you here to kill me too?" I hoarsely whisper.

There's a hand stroking my hair and I'm instantly reminded of him, pulling at it.

That wasn't so bad, was it beautiful?

I scream and am frozen by the sword that won't stop threading me like a needle.

I feel a hand pull my head up and I see it's Jade and I feel my eyes go completely blank.

"Tori?" they whisper.

I blink.

"Tori what happened?"

I blink again.

"Tori why are you bleeding?"

"Get the fuck away from me." I say lowly.

Jade's surprise shows in her eyes.

"Tori come on." Jade whispers. "I think you're being a little overdramatic."

I feel myself go rigid.

I can't say the word. I can't. My life has been severed into two different halves now: before and after. There is no in-between.

"What happened?"

Hello there princess. You have lovely eyes. I bet you'd be fun.

I can't stop it. There's a pulsing down there and the sword is back and my eyes refuse to cry anymore and my voice is shot from crying.

"Shoot me." I say and let it hang in the air. "Shoot me and then stay the fuck away from me."

Jade doesn't leave.

There's another feeling, right next to the cold, sharp sword. It's hot and smoky. It feels like hell.

I set my jaw.

I was right, you are fun. Well then beautiful, let's take you for a spin.

I don't know what to do so I vomit. I literally sprint to my en-suite bathroom and puke all sorts of rainbow colors. I lock the bathroom door and look at myself in the mirror, tracing my puffy eyes and my split lips and my sliced shoulder and my shadowing eyebrow.

You are so amazing, beautiful, not even screaming' or nothing. Remember that if you do I got a knife.

I bring my fist back and punch the mirror, watching the cracks spiderweb across the glass. My knuckles are bleeding but I don't care.

I walk out and avoid Jade's eyes.

"I want to die."

I don't say a word after that. Her mouth has fallen open and I blink slowly.

You're so good, darling.

Jade takes a step towards me and her black lace is replaced with his grimy jacket and her skinny jeans are replaced with his baggy ones and her hair is replaced with his-close cropped and dark.

You're so tight, beautiful.

I taste bile and hold up a hand.

"We should get you to a hospital." Jade looks actually, genuinely concerned and I nod once. The sword is ripping into me.

I follow Jade into her car and it smells like lavender. I smell like Axe and blood.

I blink and we're at the hospital and we walk in and I sit down without a word.

The doctor calls me in very quickly and I sit on the chair and he looks concerned and my lip wobbles.

He squints at me and raises and eyebrow, passing me a clipboard that has two words written on a blank piece of paper.

"Rape test?" they read, and I nod once.

He nods tersely and turns to Jade.

"Who are you to her?"

"Friend." Jade says softly.

He nods and looks at me. I nod back at him and he calls a nurse in.

"Get the rape kit ready." I hear and Jade looks appalled for several seconds before almost bursting into tears.

He walks out of the room and I stare at the ceiling until I feel a surprisingly warm hand against my cheek. I look up and Jade's silently crying.

I feel her removed from me and a nurse quietly pulls down my jeans and Jade moves to leave but I shake my head and she nods.

She looks away for some of it, so do I. I feel them remove all my clothes for evidence and I see that the sword wasn't just a metaphor, my stomach's actually bleeding, and so is my shoulder, and there's a gash around my boob.

I feel myself slip into a hospital gown and I flutter my eyes shut as the doctor says the confirmation that I had been raped and then I sort of fall into a half-sleep where everything's nice and in my before-world.

I am Tori Vega. I have not been violated. I'm a perfectly healthy, normal teenager.

No I'm not.