CINDERZUMI.
"Once there was a gentleman who married for his second wife the proudest and most haughty woman that was ever seen. She had by a former husband two daughters of her own humor, who were, indeed, exactly like her in all things. He had likewise, by another wife, a young daughter, but of unparalleled goodness and sweetness of temper, which she took from her mother, who was the best creature in the world.
No sooner were the ceremonies of the wedding over but the mother-in-law began to show herself in her true colors. She could not bear the good qualities of this pretty girl, and the less because they made her own daughters appear the more odious. She employed her in meanest work of the house: she scoured the dishes, tables, etc., and scrubbed madam's chamber and those of misses, her daughters; she lay up in a sorry garret, upon a wretched straw bed, while her sisters lay in fine rooms, with floors all inlaid, upon beds of the very newest fashion, and where they had looking-glasses so large that they might see themselves at their full length from head to foot.
The poor girl bore all patiently and dared not tell her father, who would have rattled her off; for his wife governed him entirely. When she had done her work she used to go into the chimney-corner and sit down among cinders and ashes, which made her commonly be called a cinder maid; but the youngest, who was not so rude and uncivil as the eldest, called her Cinderella. However, Cinderella, notwithstanding her mean apparel, was a hundred times handsomer than her sisters, though they were always dressed very richly."
—Cinderella; or, The Little Glass Slipper
It was a bright, sunny afternoon when the invitation arrived in the mail, sealed with red wax in a crisp, cream-coloured envelope. The King's son was to give a grand ball, to which all fancy people were invited. The two stepsisters were thrilled at the opportunity to attend the party, and busily began to plan their extravagant outfits. Cinderzumi was not too thrilled at this; for it was he that had to iron their clothes and put all the ruffles into place. He was beginning to grow weary of listening to them blather on all day along about what they would wear.
"I'll wear that gorgeous pink dress I bought the other day!" squealed Safu, the eldest daughter. "It is made of a superfiber cloth!"
"And I," decided Lili, the younger, "will wear my old yellow dress—but I'll add my new golden butterfly pin to make it prettier!"
Of course, Cinderzumi was forcibly dragged to their rooms, where he was doomed to hear more of their indecision about their clothes. All Cinderzumi wanted was for it to be done and over with, so he gave them his opinion, as fashionable girls' clothing was a matter he knew quite well. In the end, he was also duped into styling their hair.
"Cinderzumi, would you like to attend the ball?" Safu questioned. She had to bite her lip to keep from snickering, for she knew full well her sister—brother—thing—could not go.
"Like hell," Cinderzumi scoffed, tossing a strand of blue hair over his shoulder.
"Well, you couldn't go even if you wanted to!" both stepsisters jeered.
He had every intention to make them look like clowns, but decided better of it and made them look as pretty as two ugly stepsisters could look. The day of the ball arrived quickly. Safu and Lili left with Cinderzumi staring after them. Then, when they were gone, he collapsed to his knees and began to cry.
…I said, 'he collapsed to his knees and began to cry'!
"No way in hell," Cinderzumi growled—how mean.
Didn't you read the freakin' script? You're supposed to be upset that your ugly-ass stepsisters went to the ball without you! I'm shooting you death glares, here!
Cinderzumi turned and ambled back into the house against orders, waving a hand nonchalantly. "I don't give a crap about some ball."
Hey, you, get back here right now! The script, dammit, the script! There's no story if you don't fucking cry! So cry, god dammit!
He paused in reaching for his leather jacket and copy of Hamlet. "Will you stop freakin' yelling at me if I do it?"
Sure, sure. Go on, now. The Godmother is waiting.
With a sigh, the blunette did as the amazing narrator told him to. Back outside in front of the house, he got down on his knees. I noticed that goddamn sarcastic bite to his tone as he fake cried. "Boo-hoo. Oh, boo-hoo…"
…Good enough, I guess. Anyway! Her Godmother saw her awfully fake tears and asked her what was wrong.
"The narrator told me to cry."
Wrong! You want to go to the ball!
"I mean—I want to go to the ball."
This Godmother of his, who was some ugly guy with a receding hairline and a weird moustache—
"Hey!" Godmother Rikiga fumed at my true statement.
Shut up! Stop interrupting me! …Ahem. So, anyway, the Godmother began leading Cinderzumi back to his room, and was all like:
"…"
Umm, that's your cue to say your lines.
"Oh!" The Godmother scratched idly at his beard and fumbled with his script. "Gimme a second… Uhh, yes! I'll help you go to the ball. Go bring me… whatever the hell I could use to turn into a coach."
Warily, Cinderzumi left the room in search of something that could be turned into a coach. Though he didn't look quite as fucking hard as he could of, the lazy bastard! ...And ended up bringing back a pot for soup from the kitchen. Really, is that the best you could do? A freakin' pot?
"Be lucky I'm going along with this," Cinderzumi stated irritably. "And I wouldn't be so irritable if you stopped narrating every little thing!" I could clearly see his eyebrow twitching. Ooh, he looks like he's going to kill something now.
So, moving along… The Godmother waved his magical wand of magicalness and turned the stupid pot into a fine coach. If by 'fine' you mean a giant pot on wheels. When that was done, the Godmother ripped the three mice from their peaceful slumber on the bed and transformed Hamlet, Cravat, and Tsukiyo into three horses. At least, they were supposed to be horses. Instead, because of the Godmother's crappy magic, they simply became three oversized mice.
"Wait, aren't we supposed to be in my room…? How the hell does this all fit—"
Shut up! Don't question things! Just hurry up and go find a goddamn coachman!
"Right, we need a coachman!" the Godmother peered around stupidly.
Conveniently enough, one of Dogkeeper's mutts came wandering into the room. With a flick of his wand, the dog was turned into—some kind of half man, half dog thing. Wow, magic really isn't your strong suit, is it? Anyway, screw the footmen. You'll have to go without them. The Godmother will just fuck that up too, anyway.
"Huh? Excuse me?" Godmother Rikiga exclaimed.
Your lines, Godmother!
"…Right. Well. You're all ready for the ball, now, with this cra—err, I mean, wonderful stuff. Happy? Good."
"You're forgetting something, Oh Fairy Godmother." Cinderzumi looked pointedly down at his ratty khakis, stained shirt, and combat boots. He looked like he had just crawled out of a garbage dump, really.
"Oh! Yes, yes, your dress!"
Oi… of course… So, the flighty Godmother whacked him on the head with his wand, and his clothes disappeared and were replaced by…
Ahem. They were replaced by…
…
WTF? You idiot! You left him naked!
"Oh my God… You have five seconds to conjure up some clothing before I kick your ass," Cinderzumi hissed, eyebrow twitching, attempting to cover himself.
Godmother Rikiga was looking everywhere but at Cinderzumi. Though personally, I think he should have been staring. What a sight he was missing… "Sorry, sorry! My bad…"
So, his gross-ass hobo clothes were replaced by a long, floor-length white gown with translucent pale blue sleeves. A scarf of the same blue colour was draped around his slender shoulders, cascading gracefully down his back. A ring of beads with a single flower attached encircled his head. And hot damn, the Godmother actually managed to do it right!
"Hey, isn't this just my Ophelia costu—"
Shhh!
"But it's the wrong pla—"
I told you not to question things! Anyway. Godmother, your lines.
"Hurry your ass over there or you'll be late!" Godmother Rikiga said.
With a hissing sigh—jeez, you could at least pretend to be a little excited!—Cinderzumi turned and began to tread in the direction of the castle… But after a step, he toppled over on his face. Pfft.
"These goddamn shoes are killing my feet! What the fuck are they made of?"
"Glass," the Godmother replied.
That look on Cinderzumi's face… pfft.
"Glass? Gimme something I can actually walk in!"
"Forget that and get to the ball!" the Godmother pushed him towards the giant pot on wheels. Cinderzumi bitterly wobbled inside like a drunken monkey, as he could not walk in his glass slippers, and was off to the ball.
…Wait. I feel like we forgot something.
"Did we?" Both the narrator and the Godmother quickly flipped through their scripts. Then, they exchanged wide-eyed glances as they remembered what they had failed to tell our poor Cinderzumi. Stupid Godmother, you were supposed to tell him to be back before midnight!
"Oops." The Godmother just shrugged uncaringly, reflecting exactly what the narrator was feeling. I mean, he'll figure it out eventually. When, like, the pot and the mice and the dog shrink, and he winds up naked. Oh well. Curtain!
A/N: So, I'm not as good with parodies and humor... Oh well. Anyway, there will definitely be a second part [eventually]. Can you guess who the prince will be? ;D
Disclaimer: I do not own NO.6 or Cinderella.