Hikaru's breath hitched as he watched, with a tinge of excitement mixed with desire as Kaoru's face drew closer. Kaoru's eyes were yellow, just like his own, yet he held his own individuality which was what attracted Hikaru to him. It felt like they were closed off… in a world of their own. Spiritually bounded..
"Oh mon dieu… you guys are taking quite a while in there." They instinctively jumped at the sudden echo of the voice from outside and Kaoru quickly withdrew himself only to have the curtains of the fitting room opened not a second later to reveal the Boss, himself.
"You know…" Exchanging a glance with his twin, Hikaru placed his elbow on his shoulder, almost like a display of mischievousness, albeit a little forced, "it was good that you didn't open the curtains a second sooner. We might not have been dressed then." He continued on, winking at Haruhi who was standing behind Tamaki with a deadpanned expression. He noticed Kaoru staring at him just as he did so and he broke eye contact for there was no point in salvaging the unsalvageable.
"Ohhh," A horribly exaggerated sigh rolled out of Tamaki's mouth as though it was a line rehearsed many times. Haruhi rolled her eyes, bracing herself for the dramatic display. "Is it not but tragic that you fools have to resort to stealing my daughter? Oh my poor darling. Daddy will protect you with all of his heart!" Pointing at the twins, Tamaki continued on, "Haruhi will always be Daddy's!" He loudly exclaimed before being greeted with a loud sigh by whom but the 'daughter' herself.
Hikaru felt his arm being lifted off his twin's shoulder and it was in that instance that he felt like his heart had been pierced. It was a simple gesture that should have had little to no meaning. Yet he had felt that there was something behind it. Something like… rejection.
He swallowed and tried to act naturally as he watched Kaoru stroll up casually to Haruhi who he then noticed was wearing a pastel pink one-piece swimsuit which gave her an air of innocence. As Kaoru had his back turned to him, Hikaru couldn't see the expression on his face but he was sure it was one of affection.
"Sorry… For a moment, I thought… that you were me." Kaoru's face had been lit by the moon the same way desolation marked his self-depreciating words. Only half of his face was lit while the other half was shrouded in darkness. One half was a representation of the twins' personas as they went about life. The other was a hidden, labyrinthine web of lies the twins had weaved in their secret lair with the moon as their only audience.
You're… wrong. Stop. Don't go. If you want to go, take me with you. If you don't want to go, then stay by my side. Don't cry. Don't say things like that. "H-Hey, Hikaru…?" I'm not you and you're not me. We're not bound together. We're not one. We've never been. You're lying. "Hey!" The one you like isn't me. It's — "Hika—"
Her voice rings out and echoes into his ears. It becomes a faucet and activates an unleashing of emotions he's kept bottled up. His shoulders jerk pathetically, much akin to a feeble attempt at controlling his emotions. Tears didn't roll down his eyes for calling them tears would not be doing his heartache justice. It was a feeling… indescribable… something one could not possibly garner from reading the definition off a dictionary.
It was a feeling strong enough to make him retreat back into the world he and his twin had created for themselves, this time, alone. As he ran away from the shouts, across an unoccupied sandy beach on a Saturday evening at 7:00 p.m., he didn't know what to make of the future. He never did but this time, he knew he had fucked up. Badly.
He ran, and he ran. He channeled his emotions into running and he ran for a long while till he stopped. He wheezed, he panted and he cried. He looked around. The emptiness of the beach reflected the emptiness in his heart. But it was beautiful. The water shone with the auburn glow of the sky. Tears blurred his vision so he took a few steps towards the water. He crouched down and brushed his fingertips against the water.
Sometimes solitude is the best escape, huh? He forced himself to smile as he basked in the beauty bestowed upon him by nature. Even among nature's best masterpieces, competition isn't withheld. Competition is rampant and it exists even between people who are identical — no, it's precisely that similarity which begs for them to part, for them to achieve individuality and not stagnate into a sickening familiar conformity.
No one can possibly be happy if they knew they could be replaced. If their presence or lack thereof could never influence anyone. If they could be gone today and no one would question why. If a trace of their once-living soul could never be found, either in the hearts of others or their own. If evidence that they had once existed — what evidence?
A gentle splash lured him from his bitter thoughts and triggered alarm bells in his head as he sensed a —sickeningly— familiar presence. Burying his face in his sleeve, to rid the pathetic presence of tears, as he was sure Kaoru would call it, Hikaru for the first time, wished that the impending approach would be rendered absent.
However, contrary to the longer moment of unnerving silence that he was expecting to ensue, he felt the impenetrable walls he had built to prevent himself from falling prey to rejection and loss shaking rapidly as warmth circled and encompassed his entire being, screaming the absurdity of these walls and pleading for them to break and shatter — into baseless accusations of infidelity.
Struggling to break away from the embrace, a typhoon of emotions engulfed Hikaru. Negativity, confusion…disgust. They washed over his entire being as though conspiring to have him disparage himself, the acid in his stomach rapidly dissolving any faith he had previously held in anyone, or himself, for that matter.
Not once did he attempt to look at Kaoru's face; he wouldn't do it, not before he could learn how to keep his emotions in check and not alternate between fits of pathetic sobbing and loud screaming: he didn't wish to disgrace himself further. He could learn how to cherish something, starting with whatever still remained of his dignity.
"Hika…ru?" Hearing the uncertainly in Kaoru's voice unmasked caused Hikaru's heart to ache painfully as he spiraled into a paralyzing despair. He wanted to run. He wanted to leave. But every time he thought about losing Kaoru, he just couldn't let go. His mind thought it wise to leave but his heart said otherwise, so torn between two choices he was.
The tension was too much for Hikaru to take, so he quickly stood up, wincing as he felt his tense muscles relax, and made his way back towards the beach, disregarding Kaoru who trailed behind him with the air of a miserable disowned puppy. The soothing wind provided temporary relief as it ruffled his hair, ironically making up for the lack of intimacy between Kaoru and himself. But the coldness of it did nothing to help warm his freezing heart.
"Hikaru…W-What's up with you?" The uncertainly tone agitated Hikaru for at that instance, he felt like his feelings were being judged. He's saying that I'm uncalled for, isn't he? Bitter thoughts flooded his brain the same way you fall asleep, slowly, and then… all at once.
The presence behind him now was irksome and Hikaru's instincts thought it timely to solve it. Turning around sharply, he reached out and gripped Kaoru's shoulders firmly, before shoving him to the ground. Yet, he did not expect Kaoru to wrap his arms around his waist — sending them both falling onto the sand.
Hikaru's eyes widened in shock as the aftermath presented itself: him being on top of Kaoru. No, actually, it was the fact that Kaoru's arms were wrapped around his waist that sent his heart racing for the very first time since their last meet in their love nest which could have very well been days ago. The furious pounding of his heart refused to subside as he frantically looked away, reluctantly denying any possibility of seeking comfort in Kaoru's eyes.
Yet, the vision of his eyes sprang back into Hikaru's mind as he remembered the way he had sought comfort in Kaoru's eyes, back then in the fitting room. There was something those eyes emitted, passion… maybe? But if you squint carefully, you'll realize that something else was there too. Uncertainty. Uncertainty about the future. About us.
As though on cue, Kaoru softened his grip on Hikaru who took the chance and struggled out of the embrace. He planted himself next to Kaoru awkwardly, staring up into the beautiful distant blend of auburn and pastel blue. Reaching out his hand, Kaoru pet Hikaru's head affectionately, before laying his head on Hikaru's shoulder. The blush on Hikaru's face intensified as he gave in; the only sign of oppression being a mere twitch of his body due to the unexpected surprise.
He wondered how his profile looked to Kaoru as he mustered up the courage to look at Kaoru from the corner of his eye. For some reason, being with Kaoru has always calmed him down. Their relationship was impeccable; they had never fought. Not even once — Hikaru instinctively stopped breathing as that night's happenings started replaying in his mind like a movie. Paralysed, he darted his eyes from Kaoru back to the sky as though the beauty would grant him temporary relief from these suffocating memories.
It didn't help. Hikaru gulped as he felt a piercingly ominous aura directed at him and slowly, his body temperature dropped in response. Gritting his teeth, he endured the discomfort of the hot object placed on his shoulder. It was something abstract — burns and chills mixed into one; the meeting of a hot and cold element brought about some very mixed reactions in Hikaru and so he gave in, and began trembling.
Bright flashes of light obliterated his vision completely, consuming the blend of the sky and water, and painting a marriage of highlighted strands over them slowly — until a face abruptly took shape in front of him. In his confusion, he stood up in an attempt to retreat backwards and his feet gave way like the dramatic side-effect of a sleeping concoction, causing him to fall over and promptly black out with only a spell of dizziness to guide the curtains of his eyelids to a close.
The sinister darkness cooed him into submission as he searched for a sole flicker of light. His heart palpitated as he spotted its presence. Sitting up, he could feel the current absence of the soft mattress he had so easily overlooked just a moment ago. Hikaru held the pillow next to him close to his chest as he proceeded to get up of the bed, and crept slowly towards the bathroom which was covered with a shower curtain and allowed the light to shimmer through partially.
A firm hand on the curtain pulled it out of the way, giving Hikaru's heart a jolt as his grip on the pillow instinctively tightened. Though he couldn't tell if it was relief he felt when his eyes met Kaoru's.
"Hey… Are you alright?" Hikaru blinked in response to his question, only to realise the rationale behind it a moment later.
Avoiding Kaoru's gaze and seeking comfort in the fluffiness of the pillow instead, Hikaru nodded before shifting his position awkwardly.
"Wait." Hikaru flinched as Kaoru's hand touched his shoulder, albeit with no trace of intimidation. A pause. "The bath… is ready." Hikaru gritted his teeth at the feeling of Kaoru's breath against his neck. The pleasance of it manipulated him into saying yes.
Chagrined, he turned around and gestured for Kaoru to enter first. To his relief, Kaoru turned his back to Hikaru and seemed to comply. Though Hikaru soon realised that his relief was short-lived because he's compelled to bathe with him and he doesn't have it in him to keep a flaccid cock the whole duration.
Yet he couldn't stop himself from looking at Kaoru's 'striptease'. By now, Kaoru had unbuttoned his button-shirt and had tossed it aside, moving onto removing his jeans. He watched Kaoru curse at the tightness of the jeans and fumble with it, his brain processing it as though it was something risqué and sent a surge of blood flowing straight to his cock. Curse puberty.
His eyes were glued to Kaoru's ass as soon as the pants were off even as he walked towards the bath tub and lowered himself into it. Ah, fuck it. He tossed the pillow back onto the bed, pulled his shirt over his head and quickly took off his trousers just so that he wouldn't have a single second spared for any second-guessing. His dick would never forgive him for it.
And then it happened — just that moment in between lust and embarrassment; he fucked up. He was one second closer to hitting his head and splitting his head open and he had never felt more like an astronaut walking on the moon. Well, actually he had never felt more like an astronaut stripped of any clothing and method to sustain his balance walking on the moon. But the smack of skin meeting skin prevented him from experiencing a kiss with the floor. Hikaru shivered, visibly shaken, but taking comfort in the embrace as he thought bitterly about the way he 'outdid' himself.
"You really… scared me just now," Hikaru pursed his lips as Kaoru's words of concern met his ears. He's not thinking about how much of a klutz I am? The way his eyes lit up, as though emitting sun rays, was bittersweet, for he would never understand how Kaoru had always thought of him as a ball of sunshine, never failing to light up his days. And yet —his shallow breathing lodged in the back of his throat — despite all my imperfections… he still — tears threatened to overspill as Hikaru struggled to convey what he really meant to say.
"I…" As soon as he got the first note out, he began to regret it. He sounded like a complete idiot. But not saying it would mean I'm a bigger idiot. Wrapping his arms around Kaoru's chest and laying his head on his shoulder, he closed his eyes and tried to summon the rest of his courage. All he could hear was the faint and distant heartbeat coming from Kaoru's locked-up heart. Before, he would never have found the key but he knew that today — right now — at this very moment; he's found it.
He clenched his fists as he looked straight into Kaoru's eyes. "I… I'm sorry." He blinked back tears, not risking it to witness Kaoru's reaction. Suddenly his brows furrowed as Kaoru pulled him into a tight embrace, enticing his tears to flow even more.
"I'm sorry too." A drop of tear rolled down Hikaru's cheek as he stared straight at the contorted bathtub, his vision now blurry. He wished the warmth encircling him right now would never dissipate, but rather, continue to stay by his side, forevermore. Soft pats on his back almost served as a sleep-inducer and he suddenly felt the urge to rest.
"Hika…ru?" Kaoru paused when he noticed that Hikaru's eyes were shut. Smiling gently, he hoisted Kaoru up and carried him bridal-style to the bedside. He laid Kaoru down on the bed and pulled the covers over him. Kissing his cheek, he moved next to him on the bed and pulled Hikaru into an embrace.
"You're the only one I love," Kaoru muttered to a sleeping Hikaru who had already started drooling. Misty-eyed, Kaoru positioned his head on the pillow, next to Hikaru. Wishing days like these would loop continuously; Kaoru closed his eyes and drifted off to sleep, holding Hikaru close to him for the rest of the night.