Fandom: Grey's Anatomy
Character: Addison&Derek Rating: PG
Status: Complete (One Shot)
Disclaimer: The characters and the show belong to ABC, not to me. The title belongs to the Trading Yesterday; it's a line from "Shattered", one of my all time favorite songs.
Author's Note: I've been in a high Addek mood lately so I've decided to write a fic. Angst, no fluff. I'd like to thank my beta-reader Sunflower and I dedicate this fiction to all the Addeks out there. I hope you'll like it!

All I know is that the end's beginning.

In the very moment Derek shut the door and left the house, Addison knew that her marriage was over. She also knew that her marriage was over way before that fighting but she kept on living in denial because she didn't want to let everything go.

Everything started with Derek being absent, it was like he was gone. Addison couldn't tell what was going on with him but he started being more and more distant every day. Every time she tried to talk to him about this, he shrugged, kissed her on the forehead and said that everything was just fine.

After nights spent alone in their bed crying her heart out, Addison found her way to feel better. Sleeping with Mark made her feel alive again, it made her forget all the pain and the sorrow she felt. Addison tried to stop that but she just couldn't because she needed it to feel alive, she needed to breathe in order to lead her life. Every time Addison had sex with Mark, she saw Derek's face; she even said his name once or twice, she even had tears in her eyes, she even hated herself for what she was doing but she just couldn't stop it.

Addison was just standing there, staring at the door, praying to see Derek entering in the house asking her to talk, to let her explain why she did it. The clock was ticking. Minutes went by but Derek didn't arrive; he was gone. He didn't want to see her and she knew he was right.

Summoning up all the strength she had, Addison walked to the living room and poured herself a drink. She didn't know what to do, she felt lost and broken inside. Now more than ever in her whole life. She sat on the couch, thinking about all they had been through, how they had met, how they had fallen in love, how they had always been together in everything they did. Because they were Addison and Derek.

She drank up her drink, put the glass on the table and then pulled her knees up to her chest, her head on her knees, already wet of silent tears. Addison knew she had to react, that she had to do something, that she couldn't just cry like that. It wouldn't have been her; she knew she was strong enough to survive this but not that night. Time was all she needed to recover, to fix her own mistakes.

The room was dark, only the hall's light was on. It was raining a lot and all she could hear were her sobs and the rain falling on her house's roof. Addison was feeling cold because she was still wet of rain but she couldn't care less. She was hoping to hear his car coming back home but the more time passed, the more she accepted that Derek wouldn't have come back home that night.

One hour of pain passed. She stood up from the couch, her feet walking slowly upstairs. Tears were almost gone and the thought of being alone was getting more and more real every second. Addison entered her bedroom and looked at herself in the mirror. She was a disaster: her long red hair all clammy, her eyes were small and red, her t-shirt humid and ruined and she was also looking pale.

Addison took off her t-shirt and wore a clean nightdress, she put up her hair than went to the bathroom and washed her face. She washed it so harshly as she wanted to wash all the sins away. She tried not to cry anymore, then took her cellphone out of her bag and walked downstairs.

Once downstairs, she laid down on the couch and then dialed his number. One ring, two rings, three, four, five rings but she didn't get any answer. "Come on, Derek" she whispered. He didn't answer the phone.

In that moment Addison started thinking about what Derek was doing right now, where he was, if he was thinking about her as she was thinking about him. She hated herself for what she did to Derek, to them, but she also knew that it wasn't all her fault that her marriage was falling apart.

She tried to call him again and again but he never answered. She looked at the clock: 3.23 am. Pretty late and Addison was on call at 9.00 am the day after but she just couldn't sleep. Addison tossed and turned, her cellphone in her right hand, hoping to get a call from her husband.

Finally it happened. At 4.03 am her phone rang. She wasn't sleeping, she immediately sat on the couch and let her phone ringing. After three rings, Addison replied. Her voice was trembling, her hands were shaking.

"Why, Addison? Why?" Derek started the conversation. His voice was broken and tired.

"Derek, please… " she was begging him.

"Addison… " talking to her was more complicated than he thought "Give me a reason… "

"I… " Addison chuckled "Derek, I don't know…"

"You don't know?" he brutally interrupted her.

Addison started crying again, she had never heard his voice so angry.

"You don't know why you screwed my best friend?"

"It's…" Addison collected her own strength "You were never here, Derek. You have no idea what I've been through in these last months. You've been absent, you've left me alone"

Derek could hear her crying on the phone and even if she couldn't hear him, he was crying with her.

"I've asked you so many times what was wrong but you never replied" she whipped away her tears.

"I'm sorry I wasn't there, Addison… But I can't live with the thought of you and Mark in bed together…"

"Please…" her voice broke "Give me a chance, Derek. Give me a chance to make things right"

"I can't, Addison" he stopped for a second "I need a break. From you, from us, from New York."

Addison died a little inside. She was hoping Derek gave her another chance, everybody makes mistakes and there's always a way to fix them. It might have taken them days, weeks, months or even years but she truly believed that they would have made things right.

"If you give me a chance, Derek, I promise you I'll fix this." She looked at the precious gold ring on her finger, flashing to her wedding day, the best day of her life.

Addison couldn't know it but, thirty miles away, Derek was sitting on a bed in an hotel room and he was doing the very same thing: he was staring at his own wedding ring but, unlike his wife, he took the ring off and put it in his coat's pocket.

"No, Addison. Look, I'm sorry but I just can't. There's no way we're going to fix this. You've betrayed me and when I look at you, I don't see the woman I married anymore. The Addison I loved is gone…"

This was too much to hear for her. Addison was losing it, she crossed her legs and covered her eyes with her left hand, trying to send back the tears. When the cold gold of her wedding ring touched her face, she just couldn't handle it anymore. She knew that she was losing her life.

"No, Derek, don't… We're Addison and Derek, we're going to make things right, like we always do… You're my husband and I love you… "

Derek took a deep breath, hold the phone tightly and said: "We're not Derek and Addison anymore. I'm done. We're done." Then he hung up the phone and let all the tears, all the pain, all the suffering go. Still dressed, Derek laid down on the bed, impregnating the pillow of tears full of regrets and remorse.

Addison couldn't speak or emit any sound. She was shocked and desperate. Nothing made sense anymore, she was feeling empty and more broken than ever. They were done, he said. Those words were echoing in her head like she was listening to a song on repeat mode.

She threw her cellphone against the wall, realizing that her marriage was done for good. Trying to mend the pieces of her broken heart, Addison went upstairs and filled the bathtub with warm water and vanilla bath foam. Naked, she entered in the bathtub. Her eyes full of tears, her heart broken.

Addison couldn't think, couldn't speak, couldn't sleep. Scientifically speaking, she was alive. Practically speaking, though, she was dead. She felt so cold inside, so empty. Staring at the white ceiling of the bathroom, she knew that Derek was gone for good, that he wasn't going to come back.

The bath didn't last long 'cause she had to get ready for work. While dressing up, Addison wished she was still a kid, when her biggest concern was to get As in her finals and her biggest harm was a broken bone. Falling apart, being torn into hundreds tiny pieces was much worse than that and, definitely, it was the saddest feeling Addison had ever felt. Every step Addison took hurt her like a knife in the back, because every step was a step without Derek, without the love of her life.