It came to Tenten while watching the handstand race around the village from their vantage point on top of the weapon shop. She was standing between Neji, who stared down at the impromptu racetrack with a look of embarrassment, exasperation and morbid fascination, and Lee, who was holding up a sign that read GO GAI-SENSEI! and cheering loud enough to give her a headache, when suddenly, there it was again, the big question: Why is he doing this?
Not Gai-sensei, of course, who was, after all, completely nuts – and she was allowed to say that because she put up with his insanity every day and she loved and respected him despite his bright green brand of crazy, so she'd earned the right to call it what it was – but Kakashi-sensei.
Seeing Kakashi-sensei walk around on his hands, swaying a little, with that look of concentration on his face as passers-by giggled and pointed, that was just weird.
But it always happened like this – Gai-sensei issued an unbelievably stupid challenge and first Kakashi-sensei would half-heartedly try to weasel his way out of it, but then a few minutes later he'd be going right along with whatever ridiculous idea Gai-sensei'd had.
And that despite the fact that, most of the time, Kakashi-sensei made it seem like he didn't even like Gai-sensei all that much, like he only gave in to get rid of Gai-sensei for a little while.
It made no sense.
Tenten sighed just as next to her Lee suddenly erupted into a deafening cry of victory and Neji groaned. The race was over. Gai-sensei had crossed the finish line and jumped to his feet, ready to boast and celebrate. Great. Well, at least now they could finally return to their training.
She was about to turn around to Neji and say so when she caught the look on what was visible of Kakashi's face. He was smiling. Maybe it was the sunlight that had found a gap between the clouds and was streaming down at him, or maybe it was just exertion from the race, but Tenten could have sworn that his skin looked much rosier than usual, almost like he was blushing.
Gai-sensei was laughing, his teeth gleaming a blinding white. He had his hand on Kakashi-sensei's shoulder, was looking at Kakashi-sensei and only at Kakashi-sensei as if, in that moment, they were the only two people on the planet.
For Tenten it was like seeing a random pattern morph into writing.
Suddenly everything was making sense, even if it was a weird, totally disturbing kind of sense.
Tenten felt a little awkward on the training ground afterwards with Gai-sensei. She kept looking at him, wondering, imagining, then quickly snapping herself out of terrifying fantasies of Gai-sensei doing lovey-dovey stuff with Kakashi-sensei, like lying naked on a bearskin in front of a fireplace together, Gai-sensei feeding Kakashi-sensei strawberries dipped in whipped cream—
She was almost grateful when Lee's foot caught her in the stomach and dull pain shattered the horrifying mental images.
"Tenten, pay attention! Are you hurt?" Gai-sensei was by her side in a flash, his brow creased with worry as he gently put a hand on the spot where Lee had hit her. She could feel his warmth through the thin fabric of her top and cringed, blushing as her mind supplied a vision of that very hand sliding under Kakashi-sensei's dark blue sweater.
"Are you okay?" Over Gai-sensei's shoulder, Lee peered at her, his eyes full of honest concern.
She'd landed on her butt like a rookie, so her dignity was definitely bruised, but apart from that...
"I'm fine."
"You seem distracted," Neji observed from the side.
"It's nothing; I'm just a little tired." She pushed herself up on her feet, brushed the dirt off her pants and squared her shoulders. This round wouldn't be so easy for Lee.
"Well," Gai-sensei had stepped back and was now looking from student to student. He scratched his chin as if in deep thought. Maybe he was coming up with a new training exercise? Tenten didn't know whether she should get her hopes up. With Gai-sensei new ideas for training could either be amazing, or very, very bad; there seemed to be no middle ground.
"I think that's enough for today!" Gai shouted, beaming. What a random declaration! "After all, I have to get up early tomorrow to prepare for my challenge with my Eternal Rival!" Tenten just about managed to suppress a groan of annoyance at his happy-smug expression. Only her teacher would be proud of that kind of ridiculous thing.
"Gai-sensei! You're going to have another challenge with Kakashi-sensei? That's amazing!" Wait, no, there was one other person in the world who found this stupid rivalry impressive. Lee was beaming right back at Gai-sensei, and between them the two were creating some sort of force field of giddy excitement.
Tenten cringed again. She did that so much lately that she was starting to consider just rolling herself up into a ball of mortification and remain that way for the rest of the month – or possibly the year.
"Yes, Lee! I'm meeting him at the onsen tomorrow night for a secret challenge! I can hardly wait!"
"Wow, Gai-sensei!" Predictably, Lee was about to break out the pompoms again. Mid-cheer, however, he suddenly frowned. "But what is the challenge?" he asked, no doubt realizing that he needed the information for his next notebook-entry.
Gai-sensei laughed heartily and slapped one hand onto Lee's shoulder. He leaned closer to his student as if about to share a profound piece of wisdom. "I told you, Lee, it's a secret! All I can say is that it's going to be another passionate competition between hot-blooded men!" Gai said, winking creepily.
While Lee was clearly left speechless from admiration, Tenten felt like she'd bitten into an apple only to discover the still twitching half of a worm inside. A secret passionate competition at the onsen…
Secret. Passionate. Onsen. Steamy. Wet. Naked. Secret. Passionate. Hot-blooded. Naked. Men. The words wouldn't stop running through her head in an endless conga line of traumatic associations.
Not for the first time she found herself wishing she had a bloodline limit. Oh, to be a Yamanaka capable of erasing memories and mental images.
Usually there was nothing better after training than going to the onsen, but today Tenten really wasn't feeling all that relaxed. The steam, the hot water, nothing was working when all her mind could supply her with were endless pictures of Gai-sensei challenging Kakashi-sensei to lick curry out of his bellybutton. She could barely muster enough strength to wave when Ino and Sakura arrived.
"Haaah…" With a soft sigh, Ino slid into the steaming water. "Finally…" She let herself sink down until the water came up to her chin. "I'm so glad training's over. Asuma-sensei's so annoying whenever Team Eight is away on a mission. I don't think I'll ever get the smell of smoke out of my clothes again. He must have smoked a whole pack in those three hours!"
"At least you're getting training. Kakashi-sensei was supposed to meet me after my shift at the hospital today, but he never even showed up!" Tenten looked over to Sakura, who had settled down next to Ino. Her expression was stormy, full of an anger that clearly had nowhere to go.
"Maybe Kakashi-sensei has a secret girlfriend, too," Ino ventured, smirking.
"He always vanishes in the middle of training or shows up late… if he shows up at all, that is."
"Definitely sounds like there's someone keeping him busy!"
"But who'd be crazy enough to date him?"
Tenten closed her eyes. She could think of at least one person who was probably just crazy enough.
"Well, he is pretty hot…"
"Ino!"
"Pff, like you don't agree!"
The silence that followed was like a unanimous vote on Kakashi-sensei's hotness. Definitely all in favor. But still.
"Maybe he really was on a date," Sakura conceded.
Ino grinned smugly.
"Actually, he had a challenge with Gai-sensei today," Tenten sighed. She really didn't want to think of that as a date although she could see how for someone as weird as Gai-sensei the two words might somehow become synonyms. Or euphemisms. She suppressed a shudder.
Sakura frowned. "Again? He told me they had one yesterday, which is why he couldn't meet me then!"
"Geez, what is it with those two? It's kinda creepy, don't you think?"
It was like Ino had read her mind. The whole day she'd been wondering. Maybe this was the moment to speak up. Well, Sakura and Ino were her friends, and it wasn't like she could ever bring up her suspicion with Lee or Neji. Lee wouldn't accept her questioning the nature of Gai-sensei's rivalry with Kakashi-sensei – it'd be like blasphemy to him – and Neji simply wouldn't care.
"They spend all their free time together," she began tentatively, then halted, feeling shy and silly. Now, however, she had Ino and Sakura's attention; she could practically see them sifting through memories of various ridiculous challenges they'd witnessed during those few years they'd known their teachers. "You don't think… maybe…?" Tenten couldn't finish. She was blushing and wished she could just dive under water and somehow swim out of the onsen without ever coming up for air again. Why had she even brought it up in the first place?
"What?" Ino glared at her. She hated missing out on juicy gossip.
"It's nothing…"
"Come on, Tenten, what were you going to say?" Even Sakura was prodding.
"It's just… today I was wondering…" Tenten stared at the gentle ripples moving across the water around her. For a second she could see Kakashi-sensei's smile again. She'd never seen him smile like that before, but then she wasn't his student; she barely knew him at all, so how would she be able to judge the sincerity of his smile?
"What?" Mercilessly, Ino poked Tenten's shoulder with her index finger. "Come on, spit it out!"
"What if they're seeing each other?" It was almost a relief to just go and blurt it out, even if Tenten was momentarily afraid that she'd been too loud, that the other onsen guests would stare and think she was some kind of idiot. Nervously, Tenten glanced around, but thankfully no one seemed to pay her any mind.
Except for Ino and Sakura who were gaping at her as if she had spontaneously sprouted wings.
"What?! You don't think—Romantically?!" Sakura clasped her hands over her mouth like she was trying to keep that last word from getting out into the open.
"Seriously?!" Ino's voice was breathless; clearly she was stifling a laugh. "You think they're gay? For each other?!" A small, somewhat hysterical giggle escaped her. Tenten rolled her eyes. It wasn't that crazy, was it?
"I mean Gai-sensei, yeah, I could see it, but Kakashi-sensei?!" Ino let herself sink back against the wall of the bath as if the mere idea was exhausting her. "If he really was gay, he could do way better!"
"Hey!" Much to her own surprise,Tenten found herself glaring at Ino. That was going too far. Yeah, Gai-sensei was a bit eccentric, but then again, so was Kakashi-sensei if you really thought about it, and besides, you had to be a member of Team Gai to be allowed to talk smack about Gai-sensei.
"You've got to admit, Tenten, Gai-sensei is pretty… unusual." Sakura at least had the decency to look apologetic. Whereas your sensei is a paragon of normality and well-adjustedness, Tenten wanted to say. She didn't, though, she just directed her glare towards Sakura, who sighed, "but, anyway… I don't even want to think about that! They're our teachers and it's none of our business and also it's… a little gross."
"Uh-huh, Kurenai-sensei and Asuma-sensei are kind of cute – if you don't think about the details too much- , but Gai-sensei? I really do not want to know about his love-life!"
It was weird, Tenten thought, how much it irked her to hear Ino making this all about Gai-sensei. Kakashi-sensei's love life would be just as mind-breakingly disgusting! she wanted to tell them. Think about the books he reads! Maybe it would be better for the world if he was gay, so at least he wouldn't inflict Jiraiya-sama's views on women and sex on some poor kunoichi! So what if Gai-sensei has a really disturbing spandex and leg-warmer- fetish, so what if he's a huge weird dork? At least he's kind and genuinely cares about people and-
Tenten swallowed. She had a sudden, terrible suspicion. What if this wasn't about the grossness of Gai-sensei's sex-life or even the unexpectedness of the gay-thing… What if… what if deep down what really bothered her about this was… the fact that she didn't think Kakashi-sensei was good enough for Gai-sensei? And, oh God, that was such a Lee-thought that she felt the urge to drown herself.
"Hmmm," there was something vacant about the look in Sakura's eyes as she let herself sink deeper into the water, "if Kakashi-sensei really was gay… I'm sure he'd go for someone sweet and delicate… someone like Iruka-sensei maybe…"
Okay, that was officially too creepy. Sakura's cheeks were almost as pink as her hair now, and did Tenten really just see her lick her lips?! She was clearly giving this some serious thought. Way too much thought!
"Did you just describe our academy teacher as ʻsweet and delicateʼ?!" Ino's eyes were bulging in a manner that would have been hilarious if Tenten's own brain hadn't been so close to breaking, if one of the things going through her head hadn't been Wait, Iruka-sensei isn't that much cuter than Gai-sensei! There was only one explanation for this; she was going nuts.
"I just meant—"
"EW! Sakura! You pervert!"
"Pervert?! Ino, you're such a pig! I was only saying-"
"Earth to Sakura, you were totally drooling into our bathwater!"
People were starting to notice them, Tenten realized. She ducked her head to avoid the glares coming their way and whispered urgently, "I think we should just pretend this whole conversation never happened." That would be for the best. She had to salvage what was left of her sanity… "It's probably nothing anyway…" she mumbled. If she repressed it now, maybe the trauma would just drift to the deep dark corners of her psyche where it could get cozy with the memory of that one time she accidentally walked in on Gai-sensei doing naked handstand pushups.
"Yeah, let's forget about this before Sakura gets a nosebleed!"
"Ino, you-!" Sakura raised her fist, sending a small wave sloshing towards her friend – the gesture was disturbingly reminiscent of how Gai-sensei tended to act around Kakashi-sensei – when suddenly someone spoke up right next to Tenten.
"Tch, you girls are too soft. Such amateurs!"
She spun around. The hairs on her neck were standing up; she hadn't heard anything. It shouldn't have been possible for anybody to move around in the water without making any noise.
"Hey, who do you think-?" There was no need to finish the question. The woman smirked at her, her purple hair hanging more limply than usual, but her eyes held an even more challenging look than back when Tenten had first met her.
"Anko-san?!" Sakura and Ino exchanged a confused glance.
This was pretty embarrassing.
"If your sensei keep secrets from you, it's your duty to find out what they are!" Anko-san declared. Great, so she'd been eavesdropping on them, Tenten thought, but apparently she'd gotten some things backwards. This could not end well.
"What kind of kunoichi are you anyway?" Anko-san's steely gaze travelled from Sakura to Ino before resting on Tenten who felt herself blush under the scrutiny. "Are you intimidated by them? Huh?"
"We're not—" Sakura took a deep breath and started again. "Wait, you do realize that we were talking about their… um, love life, right? It has nothing to do with us. It's none of our business."
"We don't even want to know! So…" Ino shrugged, probably hoping that would get rid of Anko-san, but she just stared at them harder.
"Spoken like rookies quivering in fear! Tch!" Had she just-? Tenten blinked. Yep, there was that little spot of foam floating right past her. Anko-san really had spat into the water. What kind of person-?
"If you let them trick you now, you'll never surpass them. Believe me, you can't just close your eyes to the truth about them." Spoken like a crazy conspiracy theorist. Or an ANBU interrogator. Or maybe someone whose sensei had secretly conducted horrible experiments on innocent orphans and then left the village only to come back years later to murder the Hokage.
Sakura edged away from the floating spit and groaned. "What? What are you even talking about?"
"Your Kakashi-sensei is a shifty one; no one even knows whether he's ever dated anyone!" Anko-san smirked the toothiest smirk Tenten had ever seen. "Finding out that he's gay would be a huge scoop. And, who knows, one day you might need a little dirt on him!"
"So you want to know, is that what you're saying?" Tenten thought she could see a little gleam in Anko-san's eyes. That stupid manic look that Gai-sensei had whenever he saw Kakashi-sensei or decided to hop around the village on one leg while doing multiplications. For some reason Anko-san was acting like she'd been issued a challenge.
"What I'm saying is, you're kunoichi. You're warriors and spies and you can't trust anyone, not even your sensei. If there's something they want to keep from you, you better work hard to find out what it is because one day you might have to fight them for real. So what if you don't even want to know? This is your chance to see if you could beat them if you had to." Well, she did have a point. Tenten swallowed. Out of the corner of her eye she could see Sakura and Ino exchange another glance.
"And also," Anko-san added, that competitive smirk returning with a vengeance, "I'm ANBU. No one keeps anything secret from me, not even Mister Copy-Ninja Hatake Kakashi. So tell me what you know."
"Like I said; it's nothing." Tenten had kept the story as short as possible and had felt like a huge idiot retelling it, so her defiant tone was totally justified.
Anko-san, however, was not the least bit disheartened.
"We'll see about that when we come back here tomorrow night!" She grinned. It was a scary grin, one that had Tenten slowly edging away from her.
"What?" If Sakura had been wearing any pearls she would have been clutching them."Do you actually want us to spy on them in the bath?"
"Urgh!" Ino paled and covered her mouth with her hand. Tenten herself was getting horrible mental images of traumatizing scenes they might walk in on.
But Anko-san's grin didn't falter for a second. "Yep. Don't worry, I'll bring the camera."
Why did I even come here? Tenten bit her lip as she settled down on her stomach next to Sakura, who was awkwardly holding her binoculars in one hand as if they were something disgusting she'd forced herself to pick up on her way to the trashcan.
Unsurprisingly, the shingles on the roof across the street from the onsen were less than comfortable. Tenten might have pointed this out if only she wasn't so sure Anko-san would give her hell. She had to admit their senpai was admirable. Totally insane, of course, but… well, lately, Tenten had begun to suspect that that was just some kind of requirement if you wanted to make it past chuunin.
She risked a glance over to where Anko was kneeling, eyes narrowed and fixed on the dimly-lit entrance of the bath. Below nothing was moving. Maybe they'd get lucky and Gai-sensei and Kakashi-sensei simply wouldn't show? Nope, Tenten didn't even dare to hope.
"I just don't see how it could have happened. I mean, Gai-sensei and Kakashi-sensei have known each other since they were kids, right? They're just friends," Sakura whispered. She sounded like she was trying to convince herself more than anyone else.
"Exactly. Guys do the dumbest, grossest stuff together. Shikamaru and Chouji once spent an entire day lighting their farts, and they told me as if that was something to be proud of," Ino whispered back, "but it doesn't mean anything."
From the edge of the roof came a derisive snort.
"Oh, you little chuunin. You don't see how it could have happened?" Anko snorted again, for good measure, apparently. " Let me tell you how it could have happened!"
Hands on her hips, she planted herself in front of them.
"It's a dark and stormy night," she began, lowering her voice for dramatic effect, "Kakashi and Gai have just escaped their pursuers, but it was a close call. Gai had to open the seventh gate; now he can barely walk. Running is out of the question. Kakashi is tired, too. He's barely keeping it together, but as team captain for this mission he's giving it his all, half-carrying, half-dragging his friend with him."
Tenten swallowed, she really didn't like where this was going. Neither of them said anything, though. They just watched in silence. Around their senpai, the stars suddenly seemed brighter than before.
"They're not completely out of the woods yet. It's raining; they're drenched. Konoha is miles away, and while their enemies have lost their trail for now, Kakashi knows they're still out there, looking. Gai is slowing him down, and he knows it too."
"Rival," Anko gave her words a gruff, manly inflection, even her furrowed brow looked darker and more pronounced for some reason. "Gai says. all dramatic as usual – except that his voice is brittle with fatigue."
Brittle with fatigue? What kind of description was that supposed to be? Tenten tried to catch Sakura's eye to share her misery, but Sakura was staring at Anko-san, completely oblivious to anything else going on around them.
"I can't make it. You have to complete the mission without me. I will stay behind. When they come, I will give them the fight of their lives!"
Anko raised her fist pugnaciously.
"Shocked, Kakashi stumbles to a halt and looks into Gai's dark, determined eyes. Never, he says, you know I don't leave my comrades behind. I would never leave you, Gai! If you can't go on, I'll carry you and if I can't carry you anymore, I'll stay by your side until the end."
"There's no way Kakashi-sensei would say something that corny, right?" Tenten heard Ino mumble.
Thankfully Anko-san didn't seem to have heard her as she was continuing undeterred, happily doing her Gai-sensei-voice and alternating it with a slightly less manly but very dramatic Kakashi-sensei-voice. Tenten bit back a groan.
"Kakashi, we have a mission! You can still complete it if you just go alone! Konoha's Green Beast will not lay down and die; I will fight until my last breath so you can make it home! Kakashi gives this offer the split second of consideration it deserves. He's done this before, of course, the whole coming back from a mission with less people than he left with thing; we've all done that. Anyway, he thinks about what it would be like to come back to Konoha without Gai, and it's just not going to happen. No way. Because what would be the point?"
"Home? Gai… there is no home for me to return to, not without you there, Kakashi says."
Okay, that was it! There was no way in hell Kakashi-sensei would ever say something like that! Tenten chewed on her lip, wondering what Anko would do if she interrupted. Probably kill her. Not really worth it, she decided and closed her eyes, bracing herself for the rest of that spiel.
"Kakashi…" Anko sounded like she was doing some teary shoujo heroine on testosterone. Sadly, Tenten could recall several instances when her sensei had actually sounded pretty much exactly like that.
"Naturally Gai is speechless. It's the most touching thing Kakashi has ever said to him. Scratch that, it's the most touching thing anyone has ever said to him. Kakashi has propped him up against a tree, but now his rubbery legs give and he slowly slides down until he's sitting in the mud, tears in his eyes. Kakashi goes down on one knee in front of him and puts a hand on his shoulder; they just look at each other for a moment."
"This is when they realize that they're alone, no help's coming, that they're wet like drowned rats, that it's dark and cold, and that the time for playing rivals with hip and modern attitudes is over. It's time for honesty; this may be their last chance."
"Kakashi's fingers dig into Gai's shoulder and Gai reaches up and wraps his hand around Kakashi's forearm and neither of them says anything, but they might as well be naked."
Naked? The word imprinted itself on the inside of Tenten's eyelids. Don't think about Gai-sensei and Kakashi-sensei naked! she begged her brain. It didn't cooperate.
Anko's voice had been rising steadily as she approached the climax of her story. It made shivers run down Tenten's spine, the "it's too dark to see and I've accidentally stuck my hand into something gooey and disgusting" - kind of shivers.
Now, though, Anko was pausing dramatically, looking from Tenten to Sakura to Ino and back again. She grinned triumphantly. "And then they suck face… or swap spit or whatever you want to call it. The end," she finished.
"Ack," was the only thing Sakura said. From the looks of her she couldn't have mustered a more eloquent response even if her life had depended on it.
"Why? Why would you put that image in my head?" Ino whimpered.
Anko just tossed her head back and laughed. "You have to face it, kids! It happens all the time! Believe me, when you constantly face death -" She sobered abruptly; the starlight had left her eyes. Then she shook her head. "Anyway, we're here to get the evidence, so stop looking like you're about to puke and get ready. We have to get into the men's bath somehow…"
"I feel like Jiraiya-sama… Like some dirty old pervert…" Sakura grumbled, even as she began to push herself closer to the edge of the roof. The street below was still deserted. There hadn't been any movement around the onsen for the whole duration of Anko-san's horrible story, Tenten realized.
"What if we actually see them…doing stuff…" Ino mumbled, "I don't think I'd survive that…"
Down on the street, the curtains over the entrance to the men's bath stirred. They watched in strained silence as a man walked out. Intrigued despite herself, Tenten craned her neck to get a better look. The guy had short, dark hair. He walked with his hands in his pockets and his head lowered. She didn't think she'd ever seen him before, but then he did look kind of forgettable. Next to her, Sakura and Ino were also leaning over the edge of the roof to peer down at the stranger who was walking right below them, completely oblivious.
That was until he suddenly looked up, right into their faces, with eerie almond-shaped eyes whose whites seemed fluorescent in the starlight. Tenten recoiled at the same time Ino let out a small shriek and Sakura scrambled backwards. It felt like he could still see them with his creepy eyes, even through the roof. Tenten shuddered. What a freak!
She could hear his soft footsteps fading in the distance, but she still didn't feel like looking again. "Why did I have to come here?" she murmured instead, talking softly and mostly to herself, and yet Anko still shushed her.
"Shh," she hissed, pointing down into the street, "there they are!"
Walking side by side, Kakashi and Gai were approaching the onsen.
"Well, they're not holding hands," Ino said.
"Please. Like Kakashi would be that obvious. Have you forgotten why we're doing this, little girl?" Anko glared at them for a second, then focused on their targets again.
Because at least one of us is a major pervert, Tenten thought. She didn't say it out loud, though, since she still considered herself too young to die.
"Now what?" Sakura frowned at the entrance of the onsen. Below, the flaps over the door stirred, swallowing their sensei as they crossed the threshold, their shoulders bumping.
Tenten could hear Gai-sensei's unmistakable laugh coming from inside, but the two men were out of sight. Naturally, there were no windows for them to peek through.
"Geez, have you kids never been on a mission before?" Anko asked. She was standing at the edge of the roof, arms folded, sizing them up as if she was their commander and they were a bunch of disappointing rookie soldiers.
"This isn't a mission, it's—" Sakura began, only to be interrupted by Anko-san's sub-zero voice.
"It is a mission; I thought we'd established that already. Anyone here dream of making it into the Anbu one day? This is your chance to prove yourselves. Show me what you're worth."
Tenten bit her lip. Anbu. No, she couldn't deny it; she had daydreamed about wearing the mask. They were Konoha's elite and although Tsunade-sama had never been in the special ops unit, Tenten was beginning to realize that for someone with her particular skill set, Anbu was the way to get to the top.
Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Ino's face harden with determination. When they exchanged a look, Tenten found herself giving Ino a small nod. Ino reciprocated. Sakura just groaned softly. "Guys?" she asked.
"I'll set up a telepathic connection and then I'm going in. I know they have mice. I complained about it to the owner last month, but there's no way the old hag has done anything to get rid of them." Ino flexed her fingers.
"Let's get on the roof of the onsen first." It was a risky move, but Tenten doubted they would find a better point of entry from where they were. Too far away. She got up and checked her equipment. The few scrolls she'd brought – containing mostly standard kunai and shuriken – were safely in place.
"Good girls. But wait." Anko-san reached into the pocket of her trenchcoat and fished out a small pouch. "Take these first." She opened the pouch and emptied its contents onto the palm of her hand. The three girls all stared at the small, black, definitely poisonous-looking pills she offered to them.
"They'll scramble your chakra-signature for a while. What? You thought your teachers wouldn't be able to recognize you? Anyway, this is Anbu-stuff, so hush about it, okay?"
Tenten knew that there was a disgusted look on her face. She tried to train it back into a neutral expression, but it wasn't easy. She'd never known that things like this existed; they'd never been taught about it at the academy. All she'd known was that it was possible to suppress chakra, so your presence would be harder to sense, but to scramble the pattern? There was only one situation where you would need something like this: if you had to attack someone you knew and didn't want them to recognize you. This was something Konoha shinobi used to fight other Konoha shinobi.
When it was her turn, she picked up the pill and slipped it into her mouth. Its surprisingly sweet taste would not leave her tongue.
Okay, Ino's voice seemed to ring in her ears although Tenten knew she wasn't really hearing it. I'm in.
Wow, this floor is disgusting up close…Remind me to never walk barefoot in here again. There's this slime-
Ino!
Don't sweat it, Forehead! I can see them.
What are they doing? The conversation in her head was starting to give Tenten a headache. She wanted to get this over with as soon as possible. She glanced at Sakura who was crouching next to Ino's body, then over to Anko who was still scowling at no one in particular, which probably meant that she was scowling at everyone.
Gai-sensei is washing Kakashi-sensei's back, came Ino's reply.
In a sexy way? Anko asked.
No. In a gross old-man-way.
They're playing it safe for now, Anko thought. What are they talking about?
Gai-sensei is talking, but I've got no idea about what; I'm just hearing this endless stream of adjectives. Kakashi-sensei only goes hm once every five minutes.
No use. You two have to get in there. Do you see a point of entry?
Nope. Then again, I'm trying really hard not to look up too much since I'm on the floor and they're wearing towels. Also I'm tiny and the last thing I want to see is huge—
You just said they were sitting down, so don't be such a wimp, Ino!
I don't see you down here, Sakura!
You would if you did what you're supposed to do and found a way for us to get in, Ino-pig!
Hmpf… Ino paused. Wait. There's a vent. It's got to lead outside. Northern wall, just below the roof.
Tenten snuck over to the edge of the roof and ventured a look down. In the darkness she could make out the metallic glint of something less than a foot below her. "Got it!" she called over her shoulder.
Anko-san grinned in her frightening manner. "Okay, you two, time to shine."
"I can't believe we're doing this," Sakura whispered, her voice sounding hollow and disembodied in the narrow shaft. She was crawling on her hands and knees in front of Tenten, her butt blocking Tenten's view.
"Me neither," Tenten replied glumly. The metal was warm beneath her hands, just like the humid air around them. Somewhere below, their naked sensei were waiting. Tenten suppressed a shudder and crawled on.
Okay, they're in the bath, facing away from the vent. You have to get the cover off and then… That was just it. Ino had hit the wall, the same wall Tenten had been banging her head against for the last ten minutes. And then what?
Are we supposed to make them kiss for Anko-san? she asked no one in particular.
Ew! And also how on earth would we even do that? For a second, Ino sounded like she was giving the question serious thought.
Too disturbed to even consider other options, Tenten shook her head. Then what?
We just watch them. And if nothing happens – and nothing will happen! – we go back and tell her that, Sakura thought.
I can hear you, you know… Anko's voice in her head almost made Tenten squeak in horror. She bit her lip and crawled on, trying to focus on her future Anbu career.
By now the steady murmur of conversation coming from the men's bath was audible. It was mostly Gai-sensei, Tenten realized. She'd known him long enough to not be surprised by that. Gai-sensei could listen to himself talking for hours on end.
"And then Lee grabbed the thief and told him—Hey, Kakashi, are you listening?"
"Hm."
"Anyway, my precious Lee said…"
Sakura stopped. They'd reached their destination.
Okay, I'll open the vent, then we'll be able to see them better. Ino?
They're not looking. Do it!
The sound of scratching that followed Ino's instruction made Tenten cringe. She knew her teacher was a dork most of the time, but he wasn't stupid. After two years as his student she knew very well what he was capable of. His senses were razor-sharp when he needed them to be.
She blinked when it got brighter. Sakura had gotten the cover off and was pushing the metal grate aside, allowing more light to flow into their dark shaft. Tenten tried to look past her friend, but it was impossible for her to see into the bath. Frustrated, she gave Sakura a gentle push, indicating that she should make some room.
It was a huge mistake.
There was fumbling, the sound of Sakura's fingers slipping off the vent cover – a soft noise that Tenten shouldn't have been able to identify, but she recognized it as soon as she heard it. She cringed in anticipation of the clatter that would follow, but when it did, the shock somehow still took her breath away.
What are you doing?! Ino's cry echoed through Tenten's brain, even as Sakura was still – shockingly- mentally cursing like a sailor.
"What—"
"There's someone in the vent!"
"Come out, you cowards, and face Konoha's Mighty Green Beast!"
"Gai, let's get them."
"Hah!"
Ino, you've got to distract them! Sakura was trying to crawl backwards, but Tenten was blocking her way. They wouldn't be able to make it out through the shaft anyway. It was too narrow; there was no room to turn and moving backwards the whole way they would give their teachers more than enough time to corner them.
I'm on it! Ino replied while Tenten gave Sakura another push. We can't run this way! We have to get down there and fight. She hated herself for thinking it, but it was the only way.
They're going to see us, Sakura protested. Tenten just pushed her harder.
"Argh, that rat just bit me!"
Now! Tossing a smoke bomb, Tenten and Sakura burst out of the vent and into the bathhouse. Don't make a sound, Tenten told herself. She blinked, her eyes were tearing up as the room filled with thick, blue-grey smoke. Two dark silhouettes were moving around a few feet away. Next to her, Sakura tensed.
"Do you really think a little smoke is going to stop us?"
"Gai, they're trying run and you just gave away our position."
"Well, so did you just now, Rival!"
Tenten thought she heard Kakashi-sensei sigh, but she wasn't sure. She was too busy scanning the area for a way out. They're between us and the exit and he's got the Sharingan, she realized.
They were crouching on the slippery tiles, Sakura and Tenten, both holding their breaths, trying not to make any noise. The smoke is dissolving. Got any more bombs? Or a plan? Sakura thought grimly at her.
"Over there. Two."
The slap of bare feet on the tiles was getting closer and closer. Tenten dug in her weapon pouch with one hand, the other planted on the floor for balance. She shifted a little and her fingers hit the smooth plastic of a shampoo bottle lying on the ground.
Actually…
She had less than two seconds. Tenten pulled a small exploding tag out of her pouch and slapped it on the bottle in her hand. Then she sent her improvised weapon sliding across the slippery floor towards her targets.
"Incoming!"
"What? It's shampoo?"
"Gai, look out!"
A tiny explosion, just enough to make the shampoo bottle burst, spraying its contents everywhere.
"Argh! My eyes!"
"Ah! I can't—We have to get to the water!"
We did it! Tenten watched the two men stumble around in their towels, both of them rubbing frantically at their eyes. Now that only a few wisps of smoke remained, she could see the exit right behind them.
Wait. Sakura shot her a warning glance. We have to make sure they don't come after us. Tenten was going to ask how, but Sakura only smiled at her and opened her fist. Two long needles nestled in the palm of her hand. Shizune-senpai gave them to me. It's not usually my style, but…
What are you guys waiting for?!
Shut it, Ino, we're going. With that, Sakura threw the first senbon, aiming for Gai-sensei's chest.
"Gai!"
Tenten had no idea how he had been able to sense it, but maybe that was the difference between a jounin and chuunin. Anyway, Kakashi-sensei had sensed it and threw himself in front of her perplexed teacher, pushing him out of the line of fire. The senbon grazed Kakashi-sensei's naked shoulder where it left a thin red thread of a scratch. Without another sound, Kakashi-sensei crumpled to the ground.
"Kakashi!" Gai-sensei's scream was a heartbreaking mixture of disbelief and anguish. Blindly feeling his way along, he crawled over to where Kakashi-sensei lay. Sakura's senbon hit him in the arm just as he had reached his friend and he folded over, his head coming to rest on Kakashi-sensei's chest.
Tenten and Sakura took a moment to simultaneously breathe a sigh of relief.
"Good job, brats! I'm taking it from here!"
Tenten almost jumped out of her skin at the sound of the voice. She spun around and there was Anko-san sashaying towards them, a broad grin on her face and a camera in her right hand. Where the hell had she come from?
"Taking what?" Sakura asked, her voice full of a sarcasm neither of them would have dared to use before knocking out their two sensei.
Anko's grin only widened, showing off her sharp canines. "My pictures, of course!"
"Shouldn't we have stopped her?" Tenten asked once they were outside and had left Anko and her flashing camera behind them. Although she had to admit that she couldn't imagine how they would have done that…
"No. I don't know about you two, but I'm already repressing that this night ever happened," Ino said.
"We did knock them out, though. Kakashi-sensei and Gai-sensei." Sakura was frowning, but there was a small smile playing around her lips.
"Too bad they were naked at the onsen when we did, because we can't tell anyone about this without coming off as huge perverts." Ino sighed.
Tenten looked up into the starry night sky. Why did things constantly turn out like this for her? "I feel like there should have been a lesson in this somewhere…" she mumbled.
"Like what? Gossiping is bad? Jounin are batshit insane? Konoha is full of perverts? We knew all that already. Face it, Tenten, this was just another pointless waste of time." To underline her words, Ino kicked a small stone down the street. They watched it skitter and vanish in the grass by the side of the road.
"But, hey, at least we now know that Gai-sensei and Kakashi-sensei aren't dating," Sakura said.
Tenten shrugged. "I guess that's something."
Omake 1
"They're clearly unconscious." Ibiki dropped the picture on the table and glared at his colleague. "You faked this."
"Hey, this is more incriminating than anything you or anyone else ever had on Kakashi. They're pretty much naked and on top of each other, you can't argue with that."
"It's hardly—"
Grinning, Anko held up a hand.
"A bet's a bet, Ibiki, so pay up!"
Omake 2
Gai's head was pounding, his eyes burning. He was lying on something firm and warm, though. Something that smelled familiar. It was a nice smell that made him want to burrow deeper into that warmth. He groaned and heard someone else do the same. Not only that, he felt the sound vibrating through his body.
When his eyes snapped open, he saw pale skin, blurry still, but there.
"Gai?" It was Kakashi's hangover voice and it came from directly under him. Startled – and yet slightly reluctant – Gai pushed himself off his "mattress". He rolled onto cold, wet tiles and realized that he wasn't wearing anything. Just a damp towel wrapped loosely around his waist.
The onsen… That's right! He'd gone with Kakashi and they'd been attacked! Kakashi had—
Gai sat up a little too quickly. He had to blink against the sudden vertigo. There was movement next to him. He turned and saw, to his endless relief, that Kakashi was sitting up as well. Holding his head, and rubbing his temples, but seeming fine otherwise.
"What happened?" Kakashi asked. "Are you okay?"
"Am I-?" Gai could barely speak. "You saved me, Kakashi!" Tears were welling up in his eyes. He had a crystal clear image of Kakashi throwing himself in front of him, taking the hit that was meant for him.
"Oh… well." Kakashi scratched the back of his head sheepishly. "You know what I always promise. And with you it's usually the other way around, you've saved me far too often already, so… Plus, it's not like it kept us from being knocked out."
Such modesty! Kakashi was truly an incredible rival! And friend! And—Gai tried to swallow the lump in his throat. "Are you okay?" he asked.
"Couple of scratches. Bruised ego." Kakashi cocked his head, studying Gai's face with an intensity that made Gai want to look away. "How about you?"
"I'm fine…" Was he? Kakashi had looked so vulnerable lying on the floor like that. He'd looked- "I thought—" He couldn't even say it.
"What? What's wrong? Gai?" Kakashi put his hand on Gai's shoulder. It felt warm and solid and real.
"Nothing! I should have known that my Eternal Rival isn't that easy to—"
"Gai… I'm fine." They were looking into each other's eyes, sitting on the floor of the bathhouse, cold and wet and alone and Kakashi's hand slid off Gai's shoulder, down his arm in one long caress and Gai shuddered, his eyes darting to Kakashi's pale lips, for once not hidden because the towel he'd wrapped around his neck had fallen off at some point and—
And Gai couldn't help himself. He couldn't deny his feelings any longer. He leaned forward – that was all it took, one small motion to bridge the distance that had been so enormous back when they were kids, but it had shrunk, Gai had made it shrink and now—
Now he was kissing Kakashi and Kakashi was kissing him back.
End.