This only a twisted telling of the Mc's adventures, starting on Earth. If people like it, I'll keep it going.
Disclaimer: I don't own halo or any of the articles it's ownership entails (like lots of nerds blowing you in thanks). In addition, the character the wise Janitor is taken from the movie Not Another Teen Movie, who was played by Mr.T. So, you could picture the Janitor's character as Mr.T, but I am in no way personifying Mr.T himself (so can't delete my story).
The pelican flew soared through the air, as mc prepared for battle.
Mc: what's the mission?
Cortana: Well, the covenant are attacking this city, Stevie wonder, can't you see the ships?
Mc: well uh...(he seems to be watching some type video on his visor)
Cortana: Chief! Chief! (Video shuts off) stop watching kinky Canadian sluts 4. We've got a job to do. We have to free San Francisco.
Mc: Oh, yeah (shakes "mysterious goo" off his hand) wait... why San Fran?
cortana: checking covenant battle net... Turns out that the covenant has been after one thing all along...buttsex.
Mc:buttsex?
Cortana: buttsex...weird. Well, they came to the right place.
Up in the pilot's booth, the pilot was bent over the dashboard, his pants down, with Johnson standing behind him with a giant latex glove on his right arm.
Pilot: you're call sarge.
Johnson: (dips his gloved hand into a vat of sex jelly) I'm going in. Get naked marines!
Mc: Cortana, you hear those moans?
Cortana: Sarge is giving his cavity searches again.
Mc. Whatever. Alright, let's get going.
Wise Janitor: Wait, foo.
Mc: The Wise Janitor! What the fuck are you doing here?
WJ: Listen, the world needs u. I need u. If u die, what will I think about when I jerk..., well anyway, come on kid. Go out there, believe in the covenant, and kill yourself.
Mc. Wait, don't you mean kill the coven...forget it. Fuck off, Blackie Chan, you're a fucking retard.
WJ: mmmmmm, I likes me a man in green, makes me soooo…. Wet and horny...eh, just get out there, foo (pushes mc out the pelican.)
Mc began to plummet towards the earth, and shit his pants four times before he hit the ground.
WJ: (calling out to chief) call 1800 collect from hell, bitch! And watch your ass! No, really, watch your ass, unless u want a nice helping of human butt milk.
The chief hurtled towards the earth, with the city of gays below him.
Mc: Cortana, activate my jetpack.
Cortana: uhhhh, yeah, um, chief, u don't have a jet pack.
Mc: what? I'm a fucking 6 billion dollar cyborg and I don't have a fucking jetpack. I mean, even James bond had one. Okay, just activate my parachute.
Cortana: yeah, about that chief.
Mc: You're shitting Me? What do I have?
Cortana: well, u got a flashlight. and uhh... binoculars?
Mc. Great, that helps a...(CRASH!)
The chief smashed through the roof of a building, and after awaking from his coma, found himself in a dance club, with the music of the indigo girl blasting through the room. Chief quickly realized something wasn't right.
The waiter approached him, with a belly shirt and short-shorts.
Waiter: OMG, welcome to thhhhhe thperm dumpster, thethexy.
Mc: what is this place..wait! mendoza? Didn't u die on halo?
Mendoza: uuuhhh, look, don't tell anyone, or ill show them THE TAPE.
Mc: what tape?
Mendoza: this one (inserts tape into chief's head, at least after he ejected the kinky Canadian sluts 4 video.)
The tape begins showing a basic dorm room. All of a sudden, the beat to an 80's song comes on, and the chief jumps in, with a mic in his hand and a mullet hanging out the back of his helmet
Mc: off key singing I WEAR MY SUNGLASSES AT NIGHT! (30 seconds of fake guitar solo)
The beat then quickly changes, and Johnson jumps in, with his Jeri curls wet with hair spray.
Mc. (while Johnson's break dancing) SHE"S A MANIAC! MANIAC! ON THE FLOOR!
end of video
Mc: yeah, those were the days. Then together we had passionate sex together…. I mean, together with two other women! Yeah….yeah, I'm not gay. Now that I have the tape, I could kill you.
Cortana: wait chief, I though of another one of your suits feature!
Mc: what?
Cortana: check this out.
Cortana activates some systems, and out of nowhere a giant elephant appears in back of mendoza, and shoots 2 metric tons of watery shit onto the dirty minger marine.
Mc: I've had that the whole fucking time and u never told me?
Cortana: well, never really thought you'd need it. Anyway, let's go take out that cruiser and...stop drinking that!
MC: What, some nice guy at this bar gave me a mini vanilla shake. He told me he got it out of a special hose. mmm, tasty.
Cortana: yeah, hope u like it. Let's go.
Okay, that's it. Give me good reviews, or I'll eat your children.