Disclaimer: I do not own Legend of Mana or its characters. Nor do I own the characters created by Tiamat42, who have been explicitly loaned to me and will summarily be returned in nine pages.
Author's Note: This is a flat-out sillyfic, made from ideas Tiamat and I have been tossing around for a bit. I wrote the darn thing, but there's both our ideas in there.
This fic involves inappropriate ideas, alcohol consumption, and general game blasphemy. It pokes fun at Legend of Mana, Seiken Densetsu 3, and yes, "Descent of Mana: The Lost Swords". Which, in case you don't know, is a clever and witty LoM fic written by Tiamat42. You should go read it right now. (BTW, that was blatant pimping.) And if you do, leave a review, it's only good manners.
Public Service Announcement: Remember, newbies: Getting drunk is fine, just don't drive if you do.
--
Elazul took another sip from his drink. It was high-end Norn Peaks Masked Potato vodka, with just a twist of citrisquid, but it still wasn't helping his mood.
Hawk sat next to him, left hand wrapped around a heart mint mojito. "Snap out of it, Elazul. There's plenty of girls in this world besides Ren."
Despite his determination to remain in a bad mood, Hawk's enthusiasm was infectious, and Elazul had been pleasantly surprised to run into his old drinking buddy in Polpota Harbor. Hawk was certainly on some plundering and robbing mission, probably meeting with the pirate penguins roaming around town. The man strictly refused to deal in Jumi cores, so Elazul pretty much figured the rest was his business.
It had been Hawk who had dragged him down to the hotel lounge to check out the "adult" show in the hotel lounge that night, with Pearl's encouragement. "The best way to get over someone is to get under someone else," advised Hawk. Fortunately, the low lighting hid Elazul's blush. Frankly, he didn't know a lot about that, but he wasn't about to own up to the fact.
On stage, Revanshe had finished her provocative number and swished suggestively past the table without so much as sparing them a glance.
"Now, that dancer," Hawk mused, staring over the top of his glass appreciatively. "I wouldn't mind spending some time with that one. Just look at the way she moves."
"Good luck," Elazul replied grumpily. "I tried before. Didn't get anywhere with her."
"Shot you down, eh? What did she say?"
"She said she'd rather make out with a fish in a basket."
"Ow. Harsh," Hawk agreed. "What did you say to her to piss her off?"
"I asked her if she'd ever sensed a Jumi core before."
Hawk burst out laughing, much to Elazul's mortification, then reached over to pat one slightly drunken hand on the Jumi's back. "It's all right, buddy. I'll teach you to have some game with the ladies." With a wink, Hawk stood up and headed towards where the dancer was taking a rest at the bar, suddenly all composed and brazen confidence. Elazul just wondered how he managed not to stumble with all the drinks they had been knocking back.
Revanshe was just steps from their table, so Elazul was fully within earshot as Hawk struck up a conversation. "I didn't know anyone still could do the triple tiger move so well. You must be a very accomplished artist."
The normally dismissive dancer seemed taken aback by it. "You know it?" she asked. "Few people appreciate the complicated steps anymore."
That was the last Elazul could hear, as the host announced that during Revanshe's break, they would be entertained by "Gilbert, Poet of Love!" A centaur clattered onstage, and began warbling an off-key sappy romantic serenade of his lost loves.
Elazul heard Kathinja's name in the song. If only the part-basilisk teacher had turned the singer to stone.
The Jumi was rapidly downing a fresh cocktail in an attempt to dull the pain of listening to the centaur, when Hawk returned to the table and sat down with a sly grin of victory.
"Done talking to her already?" Elazul said, miffed slightly.
"Oh, don't worry," Hawk replied smugly. "She's just going back on stage. But we're going to meet later."
Sure enough, Gilbert hoofed it offstage as the host tried desperately to coax some applause out of the audience, and Revanshe returned to her graceful swaying. "Well, at least we don't have to listen to the centaur anymore."
"Those two over there seem to like him well enough," Hawk shrugged.
Elazul looked over to where Hawk gestured, and saw two sirens, one with heavy wings resting over the chair back, mooning slightly at the singer. "Those two. They dated him. Both of them."
"They did... ?" Hawk said questioningly. "Buddy, you've got so much more going for you. Why not go over there and talk to them?"
Elazul did not reply. "I'll bet you won't do it," Hawk teased. "I'll bet you the next round you're too much of a chocobo to go strike up conversation with a couple of lovely ladies."
Well, now Elazul's masculinity was under question, not to mention Hawk had won the last several "bets" they had made, with the end result being that Elazul had pretty much been paying the bar tab all night. How did Hawk keep winning every round at dice? "I'll do it, dammit," Elazul replied, standing and slamming his glass on the table for emphasis. The effect was only slightly spoiled by half his drink spilling onto the table. "Have a glass of bellgrapes wine ready for me."
He moved towards the designated target decisively, sand mantle swishing behind him. "Hello ladies, mind if I join you?" Elazul began nervously. The sirens looked up at his approach, their beautiful faces twin unreadable mirrors as they glanced at each other.
Finally, the one without wings spoke up. "Well, we can certainly be polite to a new friend, Elle."
"I know, Monique," replied the second, presumably Elle. "Join us, please."
Introductions were made, and Elazul moved to take the open chair, only to be stopped by Monique's cry of, "No, sorry, someone's sitting there!" He shrugged, and pulled up a chair from another table.
Sure enough, a minute later a large bubble appeared, then popped to reveal a mermaid seated in the empty place. "Geez," she began. "I only went out for a seaweed cigarette, and you've met a guy without me. What's your name, big guy?"
Elazul blushed slightly. "Elazul," he replied. "Knight of Jumi."
The sirens had not seemed so impressed, but this new girl seemed a little more promising. "Jumi Knight, huh?" she said, fluttering her lashes at him. "Well, that's something special. I'm Flameshe, a mermaid, as you can see. Maybe you'd like to buy me a drink?" She looked around. "Is there any table service?"
"I think it's only bar service," Elle observed.
"Well, I have a fish tail! How am I supposed to walk up to the bar? Isn't there a law about equal access?"
"Flameshe, you're only a teenager, you're not old enough to buy a drink anyway," scolded Monique.
Flameshe only shrugged. "They never card here."
"I'll get it," Elazul offered helpfully, taking orders from the ladies at the table. A couple minutes later, he returned, neatly balancing a volley of drinks. "Okay, we have a mangoelephant daiquiri, a springana bonanza, and a boarmelon sour." He felt a surge of hope at the effusive thanks from the table, and sat down to enjoy pleasant company.
--
Pearl was into her third hour of watching the Fa'diel World Series of Poker on TV, in the room she and Elazul had booked. Not that she was sure he was coming up tonight. She sort of hoped he might actually get some action tonight, though probably he would be striking out again. No wonder he was always so irritable.
In the meantime, she was watching the tournament in fascination. She was a darn good player, if she did say so herself. It was really easy to keep a poker face when everyone assumed that you were lost in your own little world anyway. Besides, playing cards against Elazul and Ren was easy, the way they both wore their emotions plastered across their faces.
Problem was, sometimes she WAS kind of lost. There were times when she forgot where she was - like that time she ended up at Luon Highway, with a pack of Boinks approaching, ready to warp her to Goddess-knows-where. And then some days she couldn't remember if she had decided to be Pearl or Blackpearl that day. She usually checked to see if she was holding a hammer or not.
She pulled herself back to earlier thoughts. Ren. She missed Ren. If only she and Elazul had actually gotten together, instead of deciding that they would be "just friends." Not that she knew a lot about such things, but Pearl didn't think an ancient curse that could turn your loved one to stone at any time was necessarily a problem in a relationship.
Ren was definitely better than Esmeralda. A month ago, they had been in Geo, and the emerald Jumi had flounced over from the magic academy every night as if she was Pearl's best friend. "Hiya, little Pearl!" she'd greet her in that singsong voice, like it was their own personal joke.
Pearl knew the truth, though. She was just looking for Elazul; ever since that time Elazul had suggested that he could be a knight to both of them, she kept thinking she had a chance. So she'd hang around for hours hoping he'd come by, and Esmeralda never wanted to watch anything but "Survivor: Madora Beach."
Bitch. Pearl hoped the jewel hunter got her pretty soon.
That reminded her. The unknown jewel hunter. They hadn't heard a whisper of her since leaving Geo; maybe they had finally outrun her.
--
Sandra felt like she had really made it, here in the penthouse suite at the Polpota hotel.
Besides, no one would expect to find a jewel hunter here, would they? And her finances were doing better, now that she found out how many Jumi cores were available for sale on QVC. The last time she tuned in, she got an amethyst guardian and her aquamarine knight for the low, low price of only 25.99 lucre! And free shipping to Etansel!
Sighing, she pulled on the complimentary Altena Felt robe, before slipping into the sheets of Sultan Silk. Surrounded by the luxuries the Polpota hotel had to offer, she let her mind slowly drift to... Florina.
Sandra felt a twinge of worry, thinking of the Clarius locked away in endless slumber. It was for her own good, Sandra told herself. No irritating knights wanting tears, no whiny guardians wanting to be able to cry as well.
Sandra thought of herself as just a regular Jumi knight, who enjoyed writing letters on fine stationery and occasionally cross-dressing for relaxation. She wasn't a bad person, was she?
Tossing and turning on the question for hours, Sandra finally got back out of bed. She did have a mission to accomplish, and she was here because other Jumi were as well.
--
Pearl had been comfortably curled up in bed, digging into a carton of ice cream while watching "The Faerie Wars" series on the History Channel, when the door to her room burst open with a crash.
The pale Jumi threw back the covers and dropped her feet to the floor to greet the unexpected guest, a tall redhead in a slinky green dress.
"Excuse me," Pearl asked. "Are you one of the personal escorts the hotel provides? I think you have the wrong room, Basket Fish is two doors down."
"Escort?!" the woman huffed. "I am Sandra, jewel thief extraordinare, and I am here to take your core. Any last words, pearl guardian?"
"Oh." Pearl dipped her utensil into her ice cream pensively, spooning it into her mouth before responding. "Well, Elazul isn't here. It wouldn't be all that exciting to take my core without a gratuitous death-defying fight with my knight where at least one person has the risk of serious long-term injury?"
Sandra wilted. "I guess not." She put her weapons down by her sides to plop on Elazul's bed, currently vacant. Morosely, she looked down at the floor, turning slightly in Pearl's direction. "What IS that you are wearing?"
Pearl looked down at her feet with slight confusion. "Those are my fuzzy rabite slippers," she replied.
"Rabite slippers. Of course." Sandra looked glum.
Pearl felt sympathy welling up, and plopped down next to Sandra. "What's wrong?"
Sandra sighed. "It all made sense a while ago... get together a thousand cores, save Florina, renew the Jumi once again... now it's all lost its meaning." If she could cry, tears would have come to her eyes. "Daring thefts where Jumi cores are ripped out to let them fade to dust... well, after several hundred, it's just gotten boring," Sandra sniffled. "And I have cramps."
"PMS?" Pearl offered a second spoon helpfully. "Would you like some ice cream? It's mint chip. Or I think there's a frozen Snickers in the mini-fridge."
Sandra pushed it away momentarily, then changed her mind. "Give me that," she said, grabbing the spoon and shoving it into the carton to stuff her face with a mouthful. "Got any Oreos to go with it?"
--
Short of girlfriends, Ren had recruited Rachel to accompany her on her errands today. It helped ease her loneliness.
"Watch it!" Rachel shouted, just before Ren absentmindedly tripped over a Sproutling. They were so common, sometimes she forgot that, unlike regular plants, they moved. "Sorry!" she told the plant-thing that had stumbled into the ground face-first.
The Sproutling seemed relatively unconcerned, lifting itself up with barely a dusting of leaves. "I like air!" it announced.
"Awesome," Ren replied sarcastically. "I like dates. Got any friends with brains?"
The Sproutling furtively looked back and forth before stepping on tiptoes to whisper in Ren's ear. "The cow isn't anywhere," it told her solemnly. "It's inside my mind."
Ren finally gave into her temper, and punted the thing down the street. After an incredibly gratifying squee as it flew through the air, it recovered itself and skittered off.
"Forget it, Ren," Rachel announced. "You have plenty of guys you can date."
"Yeah, right," she replied glumly.
After she and Elazul had parted ways, Ren was surprised to find out that there apparently had been a "Property of Elazul" sign on her back, or something. Now, she thought there must be a sign on her back that said "For a good time call..." and her phone number, because now she was getting attention from every male in the vicinity. Except Mark, but he was married and spent most of his spare time in his easy chair reading books on weapons and rockets.
Reflexively, she reached over her shoulder for the hundredth time to make sure there really wasn't a Post-It there.
Bud and Lisa had suggested conjuring a love spell for her, but judging from their past attempts at magic, she didn't think that was such a great idea. Not that things could get much worse, after she had been hit on by the walrus. A nice enough guy, Captain Tusk was his name she thought, good manners, confident, had his own pirate ship and everything. She supposed he might have been quite a catch to someone else, but really. The selection was so poor. At this rate, if she ever wanted a boyfriend, she might have to go for the omnipresent dancing shopkeeper. At least you couldn't fault him for energy.
Even Viridian had met someone. Apparently Sierra had asked Vadise to set Viri up with someone, and Vadise had chatted with all her dragon girlfriends, and quicker than you could say "mana stone", Viridian was spending all his time with a pretty young earth dragon. He assured her that his new interest was quite a hottie, though frankly Ren could not figure out how dragons gauged attractiveness, or even gender, for that matter.
Not to mention, their dates weren't really her style, considering they consisted of flying around to find cattle to rip apart and eat. Apparently incinerating a cow whole was the height of dragon romance.
"Excuse me, Ren," she heard a voice behind her. Reluctantly, she turned around to see Niccolo hurrying towards her, poncho swinging over his bulk as he hustled.
"What?" Encountering the sleazy rabbit was not helping her mood any.
"Well, I just brought something I thought you'd like." From somewhere in the poncho, he produced a medium-sized piece of jewelry. "It's called the Brooch of Love. It was given to an ancient princess by her lost lover."
"Oooh, pretty," Ren awww-ed. "But I don't have any money."
"I don't want money for it," replied Niccolo, sounding as if he was choking on the words. "I wanted... to give it to you. In exchange for, perhaps, a drink with me at the pub?" Behind Niccolo, Ren saw Rachel making gagging motions.
Okay, that was it. She wheeled around, determined to hurry to the inn and ask for that dancing shopkeeper's phone number.
Running down the street, she practically bowled into a man she had never seen before. "I'm sorry," she apologized, as he helped her up off the street. He wore full armor, and had piercing blue eyes not unlike another stranger she had once encountered on this street, ol' what's his name. This man, however, did not have green hair, but long, rich, cinnamon.
"It's fine," he told her, smiling. "I'm new here, I don't really know my way around."
"What brings you to Domina?" she asked.
"I'm just passing through, and I thought I'd stop and pick up some new equipment. But the shop has nothing but bronze, and I already have a bronze sword," he said, patting the scabbard at his side. "Maybe you could tell me where to find a better shop?"
"Oh," Ren replied dubiously. "Unfortunately, Domina's not very big. Mark and Jennifer's is the only weapons available."
The young man switched to an angry frown. "Dammit! What do I have to do to get a new weapon?" Pissed off, he turned to go.
Ren stopped in her tracks. "Did you just say 'dammit'?" she asked, suddenly feeling herself go starry-eyed. He turned in surprise. "I'm Ren," she told him, taking his hand and trying not to show that she was suddenly completely in love.
"Duran. Nice to meet you!" he replied.
--
It was sometime after midnight, and Elazul was thinking he had made a bad decision. It was romantic to carry a member of the opposite sex for short distances. It wasn't so romantic when you had to carry them around all night. She might be just a fish, but it was still a pretty big fish he had caught.
"Hey! Watch it!" Flameshe yelped as Elazul stumbled on the stairs down to the waterfront. He silently resolved never to hit on anything without at least two legs ever again. This brought a whole new meaning to the expression "chasing tail."
Somehow, he managed to stumble down the stairs to the waterfront mall despite his heavy burden and the sheer amount of alcohol he had ingested. Flameshe dove briefly into the water to moisten her scales, as Elazul sat to catch his breath.
Hawk probably had thought he was being helpful when he stopped by to purchase a few rounds of shots for the two of them and the ladies. Monique and Elle had giggled girlishly at Hawk's lavish compliments, Flameshe had tossed the liquor back like a pro, Revanshe (now off her shift) had made eyes at her date for the evening, and Elazul had spent his time trying not to throw up.
The last Elazul had seen, Hawk and Revanshe had been heading off to the beach together, probably having a much better time than he himself was having.
Why had he broken up with Ren? He had told her he "needed some space". What he really should have said was, "I really love you but I'm terrified of turning you into a stone statue from the Jumi curse, or leaving you behind while I roam the world to search for the remains of my race." But it had taken several sessions of psychoanalysis and interpersonal therapy with Matilda to realize that. That reminded him, he still had to fill out his assignment in the "How Does My Core Feel Today?" workbook.
"Elazul?" Flameshe's voice broke in. "Are you okay? You're not being a drag...on, are you?" She laughed at her own joke.
Elazul sat on the water's edge with her, pulling off his boots to let his feet dip in the warm waters of Polpota harbor. "No, darling," he replied with sudden smoothness. "Just thinking." He reached an arm out to wrap around her, and she wiggled next to him, the tip of her tail dipping down to swish circles in the water.
The mermaid WAS pretty, he thought. As he gazed at her, she turned her head to let her big green eyes meet his. She didn't flinch from the look, just smiled a secretive smile.
Well, it was worth a shot. He leaned in a little closer, and her lips pursed slightly.
"HEY! Anyone seen my ship?" Both Elazul and Flameshe started at the shout that interrupted their tender moment.
A short man in armor that marked him as an Imperial Soldier came strutting up. "I'm investigating the disappearance of an imperial ship! Answer me!"
"What the hell are you doing out here after midnight?" demanded Elazul.
"We don't get to sleep. It's all part of that being-controlled-by-Deathbringer thing. I'm looking for the sea hag that sunk my comrade's ship."
"Well, we have nothing to do with it," Elazul retorted, but Flameshe sat up straighter, her fish tail suddenly coiling up underneath her with a hint of tension. "SEA HAG?!" she replied angrily. "You mean, a SIREN? Well, if a siren sunk your stupid ship, she probably had a good reason, like her wings would shrivel up otherwise."
"That's no excuse," fumed the soldier. "She should be locked away where ships can't hear her."
The conversation quickly descended into a shouting match between the soldier and the mermaid, and as the voices rose, Elazul decided it was time to call it a night, and stealthily crept back towards the hotel.
--
Elazul stumbled back into the room he shared with Pearl to find an absolute mess.
There were snack wrappers everywhere, and a pizza box from the "Sea's Bounty" restaurant on the nightstand. Half his case of Sierra Mana Pale Ale had been ingested, as evidenced by the beer bottles on the floor. Pearl was fast asleep in her bed, snoring contentedly and quite at peace judging by the resonance from her core. And in his bed, lay a red-headed woman he had never seen before.
Earlier that might have been interesting, but as it was, he just wanted to go to sleep. "Wake up," he said, shoving her gently.
She opened her eyes to regard him hazily. "Finally, the knight arrives," she murmured. "I was supposed to take your core or something."
"Great," Elazul said, collapsing on the other side of the bed as the room spun. "Can you cut off my head too? It hurts."
The woman sat up groggily. "Not tonight, I think. I checked the game script, we're supposed to meet a few more times, so I think I'm supposed to go right now." Elazul mumbled something noncommittal, and he heard her footsteps travel towards the door, followed by the click as it closed behind her.
His thoughts drifted formlessly. Ren, he thought. He sure screwed that one up. Tomorrow, after a hangover-absorbing breakfast of scrambled oddity eggs and lizard meat seasoned with spiny seeds, he would walk down to the Flowerling stand and send her a bouquet and a letter. He would make it up to her, and they could be happy once again.
He was losing himself in such pleasant thoughts, but suddenly, he lurched to his feet. "Elazul?" came the sleepy concerned voice of his guardian.
"I'm fine," he mumbled back, mentally cursing out Hawk as he curled up on the marble floor of the bathroom. It was going to be a long night.