Mistake
Shay sat at the fertility clinic, after the last few days it was the last place she had wanted to be but they had been persistent with their calls and messages. She smiled sadly as she thought about the time when all her hopes and dreams had been well and truly alive, her dream of having a baby had meant to have been a reality, a reality with Kelly. He had rubbed her belly for good luck. He gave her his best smile and his blue eyes were bright with excitement. Then the phone call had come while she stood outside of a prison that dashed the dream, and it hurt. However, there was still hope, another try at insemination, that they could do but then Renée turned up out of the blue with the news and the large baby bump that signified that Kelly was going to be a father, but not to her baby.
"Leslie Shay, come on through." The nurse called, snapping her out of her reminiscing. She stood up, pulling her bag strap onto her shoulder and followed the nurse through to the doctors office. "Have a seat, the doctor will be right in." The nurse instructed with a smile before she left the room, closing the door behind her. Shay sat down, suddenly nervous, and ran her hands over her jeans as she blew out the breathe she was holding. She had wanted to ask Kelly to come with her but he had been so wrapped up with Renée and their baby that she hadn't wanted to intrude; he was making plans for their future and she didn't want to get in the way.
The door opening and closing bought Shay out of her reverie, she looked up as the doctor sat in front of her, opening the file as she placed it on the desk. "Thank you for coming in today Leslie." The doctor began. "I'm not really sure why I am here Doc, I, my, the donor has fallen though." Shay replied in earnest, having to say the words aloud for the first time almost broke her heart. "When our nurse phoned you to tell you the results of your pregnancy test, there was an oversite, a mix up. She delivered the wrong results for which we strongly apologise. Leslie, you are pregnant. I have had the lab run your blood work again to be sure. Congratulations Leslie, you are having a baby." The doctor informed Shay. Shay was shocked.
"I'm pregnant?" She asked needing to hear it again. "Yes, you are." The doctor confirmed. Shay lent back in the chair as her head swam with the information that she was pregnant, that her dream was well and truly alive, was growing inside of her. "I'm going to leave you for a few minutes, give you some time to process this news, and then we will take you to an exam room and do your first ultrasound." The doctor said although Shay didn't reply.
Pregnant… Kelly… Renée… I'm pregnant, I'm going to have a baby, there's a baby inside of me. Shay kept cycling through her thoughts in her head even as she was led from the office to the exam room, and changed into a gown. She turned her head towards the grainy black and white image on the screen as she saw her baby, their baby, for the first time. She turned away slightly and looked up at the ceiling as the tears fell thick and fast down her pale skin. She bought her hand up to her face and brushed the tears away just as the sound of its heartbeat filled the room leaving her breathless.
*Chicago Fire*
Shay walked into the house, it had been hours since she had learnt that she was pregnant, that the clinic had made a mistake. "Shay?" Kelly called from the kitchen as she closed the door behind her. "Kelly." She answered as she walked to the kitchen, seeing him with his arms wrapped around Renée. "You ok? You've been gone for hours." He asked as he took in her appearance, he could tell she had been crying by her red rimmed eyes, and she was tense. "Uh…I… I'm just tired. I'll be in my room." Shay felt her eyes begin to well up with tears, she had spent hours cycling through the same few thoughts but seeing Kelly and Renée together bought a whole new wave of unexpected emotions. She turned quickly and made her way up the stairs to her bedroom, closing her door behind her. She dumped her bag on the ground and then laid down on her bed on her side, pulling one of the pillows in close and wrapping her arms around it.
The new wave of unexpected emotions were ones that she hadn't even considered, ones that hadn't even entered her mind until now. Maybe it was the hormones but she couldn't help it. Even she was willing to admit that she had envisioned things differently but then the universe had different ideas. It was naivety to think that she and Kelly would raise their baby together like a proper family. Kelly would have the proper family with Renée, and Shay would be watching from the side lines with her baby, at least that was what she was envisioning now.
"Shay?" Kelly called as he knocked on the door softly before he opened the door, concern etched on his face. Shay didn't move. Kelly stepped into the room and closed the door behind himself, then moved to the edge of the bed, sitting himself down.
"Hey, talk to me... If this is about me and Renée, if its uncomfortable then I need to know." Kelly spoke softly as he ran his hand down her back feeling her body tremble. He knew they hadn't spoken much since Renée had turned up pregnant with his baby especially after the events of that day at the prison then at the hospital.
"I'm…" Shay paused unable to form the words that she needed to say instead she buried her face further into the pillow as the tears began to fall again. She wanted to tell him she was pregnant, that the clinic had made a mistake with the results, that she had heard their baby's heartbeat but words failed her. "I'm sorry." She told him, she was sorry for not being able to tell him everything in that moment.
"Hey, Shay, look at me." Kelly implored thoroughly confused by her apology and her emotional state. "Kelly, please, I just, I need to be alone." Shay almost begged, her voice breaking as she cried. Kelly was in two minds, the first was that she shouldn't be on her own but she was almost begging him and he seemed to be making it worse even though he didn't know why exactly. "Okay, I'm just downstairs… I love you." He told her deciding to give her the space she wanted, he stood up and went to walk away but turned back, leaned down and kissed the side of her head. "I love you, always." Shay spoke, her voice trembling, once he was almost through the door. "Always." He replied before he closed the door leaving her alone.
As soon as the door was closed Shay let go, she gave in to her need to cry, to let her body tremble violently. She knew she couldn't tell him now, couldn't upset the life that he was creating with Renée. She was determined to do this on her own. They were already making plans to separate their lives, separate houses for a start. Eventually she cried herself to sleep.
*Chicago Fire*
Shay gripped the edge of the bench tighter as another wave of nausea hit. First time I get really terrible morning sickness and it's while I'm on shift. She thought as she closed her eyes briefly as her stomach lurched again despite the fact that there was nothing left in it to come back up; she'd had a few moments of simple nausea but that was different, this was more intense and she hadn't felt this awful the other times.
"Rough night?" Kelly asked with his signature smirk as he leant against the wall making her open her eyes and look over to him. "No, I was at home last night." Shay answered softly, his smirk quickly fading. He stepped forward and placed his hand on her elbow, turning her slightly towards him although her grip on the bench remained tight. He bought his other hand to her forehead feeling for a fever. Kelly frowned as she didn't have a fever but she also didn't protest his actions like she normally would.
"Come on. You should rest until your next call." Kelly knew she wouldn't go home and he didn't want her to be alone if she deteriorated. He also knew he could have Mills stand in if she needed, Squad could handle things down a man if needed. "Yeah." She murmured closing her eyes again briefly as her head swam. He moved carefully making sure he didn't jostle her too much as he wrapped his arm around her shoulders as her head fell to his shoulder. He led her through the firehouse to his quarters without drawing anyone's attention and laid her down on his bed. His quarters allowed her the privacy and the quiet that she clearly needed.
"Kelly…" She mumbled as he pulled the blanket up over her shoulders. "Yeah?" He replied crouching down beside the bed so he was eye level with her although her eyes were half closed already. "Thank you." She mumbled allowing her eyes to close fully; she was thanking him for more than just those few moments of taking care of him but he didn't know that. He frowned thinking how they hadn't talked much lately. He kissed her forehead before he stood up and left his quarters in search of Chief Boden having decided to let him know that Mills would be subbing for Shay.
*Chicago Fire*
Kelly heard the pained groan that Shay let out even before she was awake. He dropped his pen on the desk and stood quickly going straight to Shay's side as her eyes opened full of panic. "Shay?" He questioned worried. "Something's wrong." She uttered curling tight into herself then bit down on her lip to stop herself from screaming. Kelly stood up and immediately went to the door, pushing it open and shouting "Dawson!", alerting the entire firehouse to his distress as the panic slipped into his voice. He returned immediately to Shay seeing the tears flowing down her face and the pain etched into her features.
"Severide, what's wrong? Shay?" Dawson entered the room whilst the rest of the men crowded around outside concerned. "She's in pain." He answered not knowing what else was wrong. "Shay, tell me what's going on?" Dawson asked as she tried to assess her but considering the pain she was in it wasn't easy. Shay shook her head, unable to speak due to the sharp jolts of pain coursing through her abdomen along with the intense fear that was coursing through the rest of her body. "Lets get her to the hospital now." Dawson ordered. "I've got her. Capp drives." Kelly was already lifting Shay into his arms and heading for the ambulance as he spoke, as his own panic and fear threatened to overwhelm him at the sight of his best friend in so much pain.
*Chicago Fire*
Kelly thought the ride in the back of the ambulance with Shay was the most terrifying moment of this whole ordeal but he was wrong. The most terrifying thing was the not knowing, she had been whisked away by the doctors as soon as they had arrived at the hospital. He had never seen Shay in so much pain, he had never seen her look so terrified. Hell he had never felt so terrified himself even after the ambulance crash. Maybe he had felt so terrified but then again he hadn't been himself at the time, his mind and body ravaged by his injury and self medicating.
*Chicago Fire*
Shay was terrified and she wanted Kelly but she couldn't bring herself to ask the nurse to go get him. How could she tell him that he was the father of the baby that she was losing, she had convinced herself that she was having a miscarriage given the small amount of blood that had been in her underwear, everything she had read had told her the symptoms and it was what she was experiencing or at least she thought she was. The doctors were running multiple tests whilst pumping fluids into her intravenously. Although the pain has eased a little, it was still present.
"Sweetheart, please let me get someone for you. You shouldn't be alone." One of the nurses implored seeing the terrified young woman. "I haven't told anyone." Shay stated as more tears fell down her face despite how exhausted she felt. "Trust me sweetheart, they will just want to be here for you." The nurse replied, her years of experience making her words true. Shay closed her eyes briefly and let out a deep breath before she gave a small nod. "Could you please get Kelly, Kelly Severide?" She asked quietly. "Sure sweetheart, I'll be right back." The nurse gave her a small smile before she left the room.
Shay turned her head towards the wall as she bought her hand to her stomach and spread it flat across. She closed her eyes as she listened to the sound of the monitors beeping as she tried to prepare herself, prepare herself to see Kelly, to hear the doctor say the words that she was already thinking, and for the feeling of grief that was bound to follow.
*Chicago Fire*
Kelly felt like he couldn't breath as time seemed to tick by slower than it ever had. "Kelly Severide?" A nurse called immediately capturing his attention. "How's Shay?" He rushed out as he stopped in front of her. "She's asking for you. Follow me." The older nurse supplied. Kelly nodded and began following behind, his worry easing slightly that Shay had asked for him, that had to mean the pain she felt had eased.
The nurse stopped at the door and turned to him, intentionally blocking him from continuing forward into the room where his best friend was, probably still terrified. "We're still waiting on all the test results." The nurse offered before she stepped aside and left.
He took a deep breath then pushed the door open and stepped into the room. He stopped once he closed the door and looked at Shay. She looked tiny in the hospital bed. His eyes ran over her, taking note of all the monitors and intravenous lines she was hooked up too. "Shay." He spoke softly, feeling like his own voice was failing him, as he stopped at the side of the bed. She turned to face him and the heart-breaking look she had on her face almost broke his heart. He instinctively reached for her hand and bought it to his lips, kissing her knuckles.
"I'm sorry." She cried. "Shush… you have nothing to be sorry for." He couldn't believe she was apologising to him, she didn't have anything to be sorry for. "I didn't tell you… I should have told you." She struggled to breathe. "Shay, take a few deep breathes for me." He instructed seeing her heart rate increase on the monitor and given her current condition that couldn't be good for her. He grabbed the oxygen mask that was beside the bed and placed it over her face as her hand gripped his tighter. "Come on Shay, just breathe for me. Follow me." He told her, moving her hand to his chest, letting her feel him exhale and inhale. She closed her eyes and tried her best to relax despite everything that was going through her head.
Kelly glanced at the monitors to see that her vitals were stabilizing before he focused back on Shay. Her eyes were still closed. He looked at her for the first time in weeks, truly looked at her, and wondered how much he had missed. He had been so wrapped up in everything with Renée that he failed his best friend. He had failed to see what was blindingly obvious right now. She was paler than usual, her eyes were dull and the exhaustion was evident, and she looked like she had lost a significant amount of weight. He had pushed her away despite that fact that she was only looking out for him when it came to Renée and the baby that wasn't his. Even after she found out she had been right, she didn't tell him 'I told you so' instead she had found them a new house and supported him in every way. He leaned forward and kissed her forehead making her open her eyes and look up at him.
"Get some sleep. I'll be right here." He told her knowing she was fighting the urge to let sleep consume her exhausted body, and he figured it wouldn't hurt whilst they waited for the test results and the doctor to tell them what was going on. "There was a mistake… I made a mistake… I didn't want to hurt you, anyone." She told him quietly as she fought to keep her eyes open. "I'm here, always." He replied as the worry he felt intensified at her words. "Always." She mumbled as she finally fell asleep.
Kelly kept hold of her hand as he let his weary body fall into the seat beside the bed. 'There was a mistake… I made a mistake… I didn't want to hurt you, anyone.' Shay's words kept repeating in his head as he watched her sleep, restlessly. What had he missed? What had they all missed? What had she hidden to avoid causing him pain? What had she hidden to avoiding causing anyone pain? They had promised each other to be there always yet he had failed if she felt she had to keep things hidden.
*Chicago Fire*
Kelly watched as Shay's awakened immediately as the doctor walked into the room. He could see the conflicting emotions in her eyes before he grabbed her attention with a small squeeze of her hand.
"We have all of your test results back. You're severely dehydrated and vitamin deficient, and suffering from exhaustion. The pains you had is the body's way of telling you to take better care of the both of you. The spotting you had was another one of those precautionary signs. I have ordered another ultrasound. We will keep you in overnight under observation and treat the dehydration and vitamin deficiency. You are very lucky Miss Shay. I would like you to take a few days off and rest." The doctor informed them, reading from the chart in his hand. Shay was immediately relieved, her worst fear hadn't become a reality.
"Thank you." Shay spoke before she looked at Kelly who looked confused.
"I will be back shortly to do the ultrasound." The doctor told her before leaving the room.
"Both of you?" Kelly asked as he looked at her. "Come up here." Shay practically ordered as she patted the bed, shifting over to the side to give him more room. Kelly stood, his hand still firmly holding hers, and sat on the edge of the bed, his upper body turned completely towards her. "Shay?" Kelly questioned as she tried to formulate the words she hadn't managed all the previous times she had tried to tell him.
"There was a mistake…at the clinic…they gave me the wrong results…and then when I found out you were so happy and I couldn't ruin that. You had Renée, and you were going to have a baby... You were making your own family." Shay struggled with each short sentence but she knew she had to keep going, "and then I didn't want you to think I was trying to replace them, not after I bought the whole date thing to your attention… and the longer I left it, the harder it got." She paused again as she avoided looking at him. "And then today, I was so scared that I was going to lose the baby and I couldn't tell you, you couldn't lose another child." She stopped talking.
Kelly let his eyes drop to Shay's stomach as he listened to her explain everything, her last words making his eyes well with tears. 'You couldn't lose another child'. Everything she had done had been to protect him, it always was. Despite how terrified she was, how much pain she was in, she was worried about him, worried that he wouldn't be able to handle it. She knew him much better than anyone else, knew what he was feeling even if he didn't know what exactly he felt or how to verbalise it. He realised he had been silent for too long and moved his eyes back to hers, her eyes were like the windows to her soul. He could see the panic rising in them, the fear that he was going to reject them, her and the baby growing inside of her.
"I told you I was in, all in when I first agreed to this Shay, and that's never changed. I'm always with you. Always." He meant every word. He wanted to say more but the door opened and the doctor walked in with the ultrasound machine in front of him.
*Chicago Fire*
The relief bleed from both Shay and Kelly as they watched the screen that showed them their perfectly healthy baby and as the heartbeat echoed around the room. "I love you." Kelly murmured in her ear then pressed a kissed to her cheek. "Love you too." Shay replied quietly still enamoured with the image of their baby, the baby that they made together with a little help, but still with all the love that they shared.
*Chicago Fire*
Kelly was lying next to Shay as she slept, her head against his shoulder, in the hospital bed. His hand was laid over top of hers over her stomach. His other hand held the ultrasound photo. He felt Shay move and turned to face her seeing her staring up at him.
"You alright?" He asked as she still looked exhausted. "Are you?" She answered his question with one of her own. "You terrified me today." He told her. "I was terrified." She mirrored his sentiment. They let the silence settle over them.