Kids… Remember that time when I made you sit and listen to eight years of my life then Uncle Barney and Aunt Robins wedding in painful detail? Well, I was lying. It turns out I'd been hit of the head with a baseball bat (I'll get to that later) and forgot most of the real story. The truth is, as you know your mom is alive and well, Uncle Barney and Aunt Robin stayed married and your cousin Ellie is the same age as your cousin Marvin. Although as you know, Barney and Robin had two kids of their own, which is probably where I'm getting the confusion from. Anyway, here's the story of what really happened. And don't worry, I won't go through the whole eight years again, I'll just skip to the good part. Well, there are a few things I need to fill in ok, ok, I'll just get on with it.
Ellie's mom wasn't one of the girls Barney slept with during his perfect month, she was some random girl he met in the bar not long after he and Robin split. By the way, he didn't get fat and she didn't get ugly, Aunt Robin could never be ugly. No, Barney had too many issues and the only way he could deal with that was by sleeping around. Of course, it killed your aunt Robin but at the end of the day she knew his heart belonged to him just as hers belonged to him. They'd sleep together every so often and Barney saved his best moves for her but they never truly split up.
So, the wedding day. Ellie's mom was young. When she got pregnant she was 22 and although that may be young it's too young to even think about having a baby. You hear me? No kids until you're at least 35, maybe even forty… Anyway, she was being, how could I put this politely… mean and not letting Ellie come to the wedding. Very much like Stella and her kid. What was she called again? Lizzie? Like I did with Lucy, Robin went to see Ellie's mom and asked her to allow her to be at the wedding. Of course, Ellie was just a baby and couldn't speak for herself which kinda made things harder. On the plus side, ellies mom didn't really care and handed her to Robin just like that. Then again, Robin hated kids. You know what, there's negatives and positives equally… it depends how you look at it.
So aunt robin drives back to Farhampton with a screaming Ellie in the back of the car. I'm sure you can imagine how fun that was, and gets her to the wedding. Miraculously with all her beautiful long hair intact. No wait, by the time she'd got the alter it was half gone. I love you, robin but that was not a good look. That's right because even back then Ellie was a daddy's girl and nobody, not even Aunt Lily could sooth her. Nobody but Barney.
So everybody says I do and it was the perfect end to the perfect day. Of course, I was still convinced robin was the one for me. That was, until I met your mom. When I got to train station my head was a mess. The last thing I wanted to think about was dating another woman, especially one so close to Robin and my feelings for her. But, there at the station was your mom and that yellow umbrella. When we spoke about the times we'd met, or almost met I could have kicked myself and I could have saved myself and you guys so much time. Anyway, we met after the wedding and it was love at first sight. I knew right there and then I wanted to marry this girl and we were going to have the two most perfect children.
When I said Barney told us he was going to be a dad at Robots Vs Wrestlers, that didn't happen. However, he did tell us his sister was having a baby and that he was going to be an uncle. With James' kids he was excited to be an uncle but when his sister got pregnant, it was a different story. Stop looking so worried, I'm not going to into it… Well, all I'm going to say is that the father was like Barney was before ellie was born and before he met Robin. And unlike Uncle Barney, he didn't care about his kid so Barney's sister was left being a single mom. Why? Because she was under thirty five and was too young. I know I go on about this but it really is important, kids. No babies… no sex until you're thirty. Even uncle Barney agrees with me and that is saying something.
So fast forward a few more years and your mom and I are married, we has two beautiful babies, you're mom wasn't sick, Barney and robin had a baby of their own. Yeah, the whole Robin can't have kids thing, that was a lie. She did get pregnant but she had a miscarriage. From then on she was too frightened to get pregnant again that she was extra careful. That was, until one faithful night… The same night you're mom got pregnant with you, Lucas. You were born on the same day, you were born pretty much the same time. Heck, as I was telling your mom to breathe and to push, Barney was telling aunt robin in the next room.
What else did I lie about? Oh yeah, aunt robin was at your mom and I's wedding, she was maid of honour (it was a drunken thing, your mom thought it would be hilarious) and she caught the bouquet despite already being married. Not to break tradition, Aunt Robin and Uncle Barney renewed their vows with Ellie as flower girl. Ellie is a great kid... Woman now but by kid was she a brat. Barney gave her everything she wanted and couldn't see how bad she was, mostly because for him she was an angel but for everyone else… she was the devil. Times like this make me proud of your aunt robin, she managed to grow her hair and not rip it out in anger. Again.
Don't think I don't notice that sparkle in your eyes when I mention aunt Robin. See what I did there? That's funny because Aunt robin was a popstar and her name was Robin Sparkles. Yeah, totally kills the joke when I explain it. Anyway, when your mom got sick but lived, aunt robin stepped in and helped me a lot. You were too young to understand but old enough to know whats going on. Whilst lily, Marshal and Barney had play dates with the kids, yeah you heard me right, Aunt Robin would come and take you guys out and not allow you to worry about your mom. Of course, it killed her leaving Barney with Sally and Ellie alone but half the time Ellie was with her mom and Barney ha lily and Marshall to help with Sally. I'll never forget what your aunt Robin did for me and I'll always be grateful. She was struggling to be a mom, even when Sally was older. She never bonded with her like she felt she should have. As we know, Sally and robin have the best mother/daughter relationship there could ever be but robin always feels guilty.
And that's that. That's the real story of what happened. It sounds cliché but we all lived happily ever after – me and your mom, Aunt Robin and Uncle Barney and of course, Aunt Lily and Uncle Marshall. It's true, fairy tales don't exist but that doesn't mean you can't have the happy ending. You just gotta work for it.
Oh right, the head thing… So this crazy thing happened a few years ago. Ellie and Marvin were a getting to an age where they started to develop and being attracted to other people. Growing up together, they were best friends and were so close. Anyway, they began to have feeling for each other and began dating. Lily and Marshall were ok with it but Barney? Penny, if you think I'm a psycho dad when a boy even says hi, times that by a hundred and you have uncle Barney. So not to lose his head or any other delicate parts of his body, Marvin suggested they keep the relationship private until such a time when… you know what, there was no right time. Again, this was Barney. Anyway, everyone knew except for him and it was only a matter of time before he found out. When he did find out, oh boy. He screamed, he stomped around his apartment and even punched a wall. That wasn't good enough. he picked up a baseball bat and headed to the door. We were all there and we all tried our best to calm him down. Stupidly, Uncle Marshall locked the door so there was no way for him to get out (he actually thought Barney would hit Marvin with it). In temper. Uncle Barney swung the bat without thinking and before I know it, I'm in the hospital with bandages around my head and your uncle barney in my face apologising yet at the same time, justifying what he had done. Moral of that story kids… Never play baseball with uncle barney.
Please read and review… Also, please tell me if you'd like to read the Ellie/Marvin story as a fanfic as I am tempted to write it as a spin-off sort of thing but only if people are interested.