A Duty to Love
"Why does the Prime Minister expect me to sort this out...?" Jim Hacker sulked in his chair at the DAA to the exasperation of his two civil servant colleagues.
He may have attended the cabinet meeting but through a mixture of unclear phrasing, general banter by the ministers, sleepiness and daydreaming Jim had missed the very important fact that he was supposed to be sorting out a large part of the country's debt problem. As far as he saw it, all governments were meant to be in debt; it simply showed they were spending money on their population without imposing ludicrously high taxes.
"Well one assumes you are supposed to be dealing with the government expenditure cuts side of the austerity measures Minister." Humphrey sighed, picking up the memo and tucking it under his arm. "And by "you" I mean we of course. The whole department is behind you."
"By "you" you mean you Humphrey." Jim snapped back before the three of them looked at each other strangely.
"When you say "you" Minister are you referring to Sir Humphrey, or to his "you" which would be you in which case I would advise you to use a first person pronoun? May I suggest "I"?" Bernard tried to clarify unhelpfully, pointing at each party as he talked about them which left his arms folded awkwardly.
"No you may not Bernard." Jim stood unsteadily, rubbing his temple out of irritation as Bernard disentangled his arms. "I meant that whatever the department and I try to do as a whole inevitably ends up being done by Humphrey alone!"
"Oh now Minister," Humphrey began almost patronisingly. "I don't do the typing."
"And you know what? For once I welcome it." A hint of a grin was visible on Jim's face as he poured himself a sherry. "You can handle this all by yourself if you want Humphrey. Drinkie?" The two servants politely declined.
Humphrey gave him a very suspicious look.
"Do you think that's wise Minister?" He asked slowly, trying to read Jim's inscrutably happy face now that he was drinking. For Jim, alcohol was the perfect tonic for every situation.
"Leaving something entirely to your discretion Humphrey? You have that little faith in yourself?" Returning to his seat, Jim fixed him across the table with a critical smirk.
"I should think there is little question about my abilities as a very capable Permanent Secretary Minister." Humphrey tried to smooth his ruffled feathers behind a cool vernier. "I was more concerned with how it would look were word of this to get out. A Cabinet Minister neglecting his duties..."
"Neglecting his duties?" Jim mocked. "Since when have I had any proper duties around here?"
"You lead this department Minister!" Humphrey emphasised, bringing his fist down demonstratively on the desk. "You are our figurehead!"
"Like the figurehead on a ship." Bernard chipped in, smiling. "Purely ornamental and made of... wood..." He trailed off and bowed his head, realising how badly his simile had come out.
The corner of Jim's lip turned up in piqued anger as Bernard shrunk back into his seat.
"Not quite like that Bernard." "Though not far off the mark." Humphrey admitted to himself. "But nonetheless Minister, I would feel far comfortable if you were to give your input as well."
"Far more comfortable with someone else to take the blame if it all goes belly up Humphrey?" Jim insinuated. Humphrey felt affronted once again, turning away for a second to glance at the still withdrawn Bernard who was fidgeting with his hands in his lap. Seeing him allowed Humphrey to collect himself and answer.
"Not at all Minister. You have my assurance there will be no blame to take, only acclaim." Humphrey tried to smile encouragingly, honestly, but it still looked a little like a cat's smile just before it bites your hand for stroking his fur the wrong way.
"Well... If you can get the initial proposal drawn up I'll go over it after that..." Jim sighed, resting his forehead in a palm. "To tell you the truth I don't think I'm physically up to it myself..." He sighed once again.
"Oh, come now Minister..." Tutting him, Humphrey smiled. "The worst you can get from the work is a papercut."
"Excuse me Minister..." Bernard crossed to stand beside Jim, moving his forehead out of his hand to feel it with the back of his. "Oh my." Bernard picked up the phone.
"What's the matter Bernard?" Looking between them, Humphrey watched Bernard wait for an answer.
"I may not be a nurse..." Humphrey smiled to himself at the thought of Bernard as a nurse. "But I think the Minister needs a doctor- Ah, yes! Hello."
"Nonsense. I'm fine Bernard." Jim stood, trying to pull the phone from Bernard's hand. The Private Secretary just about kept his hold on it as he spoke to the doctor, asking him to come up.
Bernard fought Jim off to put the phone back down, providing a highly amusing spectacle for the observing Humphrey.
In a grump, Jim sat back down in his chair.
"If you want my advice on solving this debt problem I suggest we sell Scotland..." It really was a mystery how Jim had risen so high in politics suggesting policies like that.
"Very droll Minister..." Humphrey hoped he was joking. "But who would buy a white elephant like Scotland?"
"Especially after your cock-up at the Scottish Office 30 years ago Humphrey." Jim grinned as Humphrey shifted slightly in his seat, coughing into his fist.
"Yes, no need to bring that up now Minister..." Humphrey took it on the chin with mild irritation.
"Scotland isn't a white elephant anyway." Bernard corrected before grinning. "Well not in this circumstance. Something can only be a white elephant when given as a gift..." Humphrey and Jim gave each other a patronising but amused look as they anticipated what was coming. "It all relates back to the apocryphal tale of the King of Siam where every white elephant born in his country automatically became his property and was so venerated that no one could ride, kill or neglect it in anyway. Because of this, the King would give a white elephant to those who displeased him as a gift. Whoever received one could do nothing but look after and feed it but get no use out of it so it would eventually bankrupt them. Despite the age of this story, the phrase didn't actually enter the vernacular until 1851-"
"Enlightening Bernard." Jim cut in. "But I think the doctor would like to enter." He pointed his Private Secretary to the door.
"Oh, right!" Bernard started from his chair, opening the door for the doctor who quickly began examining the reluctant Jim.
With a thermometer sticking out of the corner of his mouth, the Minister sighed heavily and began describing his symptoms while the two Civil Servants waited patiently on the other side of the desk.
"Well it started with a sore throat on Friday then I spent the bank holiday weekend in bed because I had lost all sense of balance and kept falling over whenever I stood. Somehow, I don't think Annie and Lucy minded much... I was feeling a bit better yesterday." It was the Tuesday after May Day bank holiday currently.
"Hrrmm... I see... A very slight inner ear infection as a result of a bug I would guess" The doctor pulled out each of Jim's ear to look inside his head.
"Do you think he'll find anything?" Bernard whispered very quietly to Humphrey, leaning down with a wicked grin.
"Bernard!" Humphrey just about restrained himself expressing his amusement before whispering back, "You are in a strange mood today..." Humphrey looked into his cornflower blue eyes, causing Bernard to become unnerved a little. "Actually, you have been this way for a while now I think about it."
"Oh, erm..." Bernard bit his lip, feeling a little heat rise on his cheeks. "I'm sorry Sir Humphrey..." He stood back up with a slightly pained expression.
Bernard hadn't realised the change was that apparent. Although his feelings had certainly changed towards his boss a while ago, he had tried to remain in the status quo. His desire to try and impress Humphrey, to make him laugh was too strong he supposed. Humphrey did look ever so adorable when he laughed that Bernard couldn't help himself trying.
"Well I think you are over the worst of it Minister." The doctor pulled the thermometer from Jim's mouth with a pop. "I would suggest you take it easy for the rest of the day."
"Yes, yes..." Jim waved the doctor away and Bernard opened the door for him. "Thank you doctor..." His two civil servants looked at him from the doorway. "Yes, you can leave as well. Go and get on with the spending cuts..."
"Yes Minister." Humphrey nodded his head politely and exited, Bernard at his heel.
Outside in Bernard's little office, Humphrey paused and looked around as Bernard went to sit. He stopped halfway, watching Humphrey before standing again.
"Is there something I can help you with Sir Humphrey?" He offered.
"Do you know where the tea lady is Bernard? I require a drink..." Humphrey scratched under his chin, swallowing uncomfortably.
Bernard's eyes narrowed as he moved closer to the slightly taller man.
"Sir Humphrey?" Bernard raised his hand to rest the back of it against Humphrey's forehead.
Humphrey batted it away.
"I'm not ill!" Bernard raised one eyebrow in a critical and condescending, "Oh really?" way. "Well... maybe my throat is a little dry..." Humphrey glanced away. His heart was beating quickly with nerves, anxious to be in a room with the one person who seemed to discover every personal problem Humphrey ever had. Why couldn't Bernard be as uncaring and inattentive as every other civil servant?
But that was why Humphrey liked him so much though, because Bernard was unlike anyone else in his life.
"Do you have a sore throat Sir Humphrey?" Bernard asked in an almost parental tone.
"...Yes." He was loathe to admit having caught something from the Minister of all people.
"Is your balance still alright? Do you ears hurt at all?" Bernard moved closer and Humphrey strode away from him to the door.
"I assure you I am fine Bernard. Concern yourself with your work, not with my health." Humphrey closed the door a little too forcefully, making Bernard flinch.
"Yes Sir Humphrey..." Bernard bowed his head and returned to his work.
Despite having his time fully occupied, Bernard still had a gnawing worry about his boss for the rest of the day and night. Of course, it wasn't unusual for him to think about Sir Humphrey at night while lying in his bed alone; it was more unusual for a night to pass without him thinking about his secret crush, but Bernard had never felt this kind of concern before.
Arriving at the DAA the next morning, he waited in Jim's office for their meeting. Every few seconds Bernard would check his watch or the clock on the wall while Jim tapped his pen against the desk, making paper airplanes to pass the time.
Once he had a small airforce on his desk, Jim invited Bernard to his side of the desk.
"Right, 6 planes each. We have to see how many we can get in the fireplace across the room." Jim pointed to it, picking up his first plane.
"Minister, I am concerned about Sir Humphrey. It isn't like him to be this late..." The strong inner child inside of Bernard desperately wanted to play with Jim but his heart was elsewhere.
"Well if he isn't here by the time we've finished this game we'll go find him." Jim threw his first plane far too hard and it nose-dived to the floor. "Damn. Your go."
Smiling at the childishness of his Minister, Bernard enjoyed throwing his more gently across the room. The nose hit just above the fireplace and bounced off, his plane falling in the bucket beside the hearth.
After the remaining 5 throws each, the game finished 2-0 to Bernard and he turned his mind back to Sir Humphrey again.
Picking up the phone, Bernard made enquiries.
When he saw Bernard's face blanche before he thanked the other conversant and put the phone down, Jim looked at him in concern.
"Is something up?" He asked as Bernard began fretting.
"Sir Humphrey hasn't come in today..." Bernard paced. "He had a sore throat yesterday... He must have stayed home ill."
"Ill? Humphrey?" Jim didn't believe his ears. "Humphrey's never ill. We've worked together nearly 3 years now and he's never had a day off." Sitting back in his chair, Jim smiled optimistically. "I suppose there's a first time for everything... An entire day without Humphrey..."
"He has no one to look after him..." Bernard was thinking aloud again.
"I'm sure he'll be alright."
"You said you could barely stand for two days without falling over. How is he going eat and look after himself like that?" Jim was surprised at how worried Bernard actually seemed.
"He'll manage Bernard. Calm down."
"No offence Minister, but you don't know what it's like living alone when you become ill. Sir Humphrey needs someone to look after him." Bernard insisted quite forcefully for the normally obedient and dutiful Private Secretary.
"Well, send round that doctor chappie from yesterday. He seemed capable enough."
Bernard looked over at the door but said nothing.
"Bernard?"
"Minister... This is going to sound like a very strange request..."
"Go on." Jim was intrigued. It wasn't like Bernard to make requests of him.
"...May I take the day off to go and look after Sir Humphrey?" Jim's jaw dropped. "I can't bear to think of him lying there alone in bed without anyone to attend to him." Bernard blushed both at the embarrassment of his request and the double meaning of his last sentence.
"You want to...?" Jim laughed loudly as his brain began working once again. "It's such a ludicrous request Bernard that I'm sorely tempted to say yes actually." He was still grinning even after he stopped laughing.
"Please Minister. For the sake of the DAA and the government..." Bernard looked pleadingly at Jim, bowing his head a little.
"Alright Bernard." The Private Secretary's face lit up. "I cannot see any reason why you would want to do it but you seem so hell-bent on it... What is your reason by the way?"
Bernard thought for a moment. "...I feel it is my duty Minister. I can't really explain it any other way." He shrugged with a hint of amusement in his voice.
"Well go to your duty then Bernard Woolley." Jim pointed him to the door. "I can't say that I envy you."
"Thank you Minister." Bernard barely looked able to contain his delight at being permitted to go.
"Oh, and I want to know any funny hallucinations he has though when you come back." Bernard paused with the door open. "Didn't I say about those? If he does have what I had then he'll be hallucinating in his sleep."
"Yes Minister."
Bernard left, packing his things quickly before enquiring about Humphrey's home address.
He paused as he passed Sir Humphrey's office before entering.
Going to his desk, Bernard began searching through the drawers for keys, having had the forethought he might need them if Humphrey was unable to come to the door.
In the back of a side drawer of a sidetable, Bernard found two small, silver keys on a ring. They looked like house keys. Before he shut the drawer though, Bernard peeked in the paper bag which was the only other thing in there.
"Oh, how adorable." Bernard grinned to himself, pulling a glacier mint from the bag. So Humphrey had a weakness for boiled sweets did he?
Driving into a rich suburb on the outskirts of London, Bernard pulled up outside Humphrey's house and stared at it for a while before getting out.
The house was large, too large for just one person really. Of a rather old, maybe Victorian, maybe slightly gothic style of architecture, the house was imposing with large hawthorn trees down one side and even some roses growing in neat bushes by the door. Of course, Humphrey would have staff of some kind to do the cleaning and hard work but he did strike Bernard as the type who might enjoy gardening on his days off.
Walking up the flight of steps to the black front door, Bernard knocked a few times but received no answer or call.
Using the keys, he opened the door and slipped in quietly, taking his shoes off to walk almost silently in his stripy socks around the downstairs of Humphrey's house.
The inside fitted the out; much of the furniture also looked Victorian in design if too well-looked-after to be quite that old. Although the wood and colours were quite dark and cosy, the house was generally well-lit by the large bay windows at front and back. Bernard stopped to look out the kitchen window at the garden, bemused that Humphrey grew vegetables. He supposed it was ingrained into him as Humphrey must have been a young teenager during the war; Bernard vividly remembered his family's allotment during his own childhood in the war.
Moving quietly up the carpeted stairs, Bernard peered into a study before creeping quietly down the landing.
He froze when he heard a voice.
"Who's there?"
It was only Humphrey but he sounded scared and weak.
"It's just me Sir Humphrey."
Bernard appeared at the doorway to Humphrey's bedroom, smiling comfortingly while looking a little out of place at home instead of work.
"Bernard?" Humphrey was sat up on one side of his double bed, his gold and white patterned dressing gown on over indigo pyjamas. There was an open book on the floor beside him where it must have fallen and he looked awfully pale and unsteady even sitting up. "What on Earth are you doing here?"
"I knew you must be ill Sir Humphrey after yesterday and knowing that you live alone, I worried about how you were going to look after yourself during your convalescence." Bernard scratched the back of his neck awkwardly. "I do hope I'm not intruding where I'm not wanted but the Minister allowed me to come here and care for you today. You don't mind do you?"
"Mind...?" Humphrey was in a daze. "No, no..." He put a hand to the side of his head to steady it as his vision swam a little. "It's just so unexpected Bernard. I didn't think that you cared so much about me..."
Moving closer, Bernard picked the book off the floor and tidied the bedside table.
"Of course I care Sir Humphrey. The DAA couldn't survive without you." Bernard was still smiling and Humphrey found it very comforting and therapeutic.
"Is that the reasoning that you are going to hide behind Bernard?" Humphrey asked, his voice and tone slightly dry as he looked sideways at Bernard.
"..." Bernard remained silent for a moment, wondering if this was the time to say this. "I do care about you on a personal level Sir Humphrey but please..." He sighed. "I hope that you are too ill now to remember that when you are better..."
Humphrey smiled weakly, looking about his bedroom.
"How did you get in Bernard? You didn't smash one of my windows I hope."
"No Sir Humphrey." Even when he was ill, Humphrey was still being friendly towards Bernard. These moments were rare but they were becoming more common as they happened to catch a few moments together without work-related matters to discuss. "I found a key in your sidetable drawer at work."
"So that's where it got to..." Humphrey sighed and laid himself down in bed. "You'll have to excuse me if I fall asleep while conversing with you Bernard... I'm so very tired..."
Looking down at his boss, Bernard noticed the greying patches of hair and remembered how old they both were. Too old to begin a serious relationship...
Or maybe too old not to?
"Do you want me to fetch you anything Sir Humphrey?" Bernard offered, turning back to tidying.
...
"Sir Humphrey?" Bernard looked from the table as he picked up the empty glass to see that his patient was sleeping peacefully. With a happy sigh, Bernard went down to the kitchen to wash up and do some other mundane chores before returning to Humphrey's bedroom to peruse the library of books that lined it.
"No... Not that one..." Bernard froze as he heard Humphrey's voice again. The book that he had been about to take down and flick through was old and probably very valuable.
"Sorry Sir Humphrey," Bernard pushed it back into the neat shelf. "I didn't realise-"
He was still asleep.
Looking around to check he wasn't hearing things, Bernard crept closer to the bed and looked down upon Humphrey's sleeping form.
"I don't want any...! Please, take them away...!" He was hallucinating. "I beseech you mother. Those chocolate chip biscuits are evil! They're going to kill me!"
Bernard couldn't hold back his laughter as Humphrey began thrashing about in his slumber, eyebrows furrowed and particles of random phrases passing his lips.
"No... No..."
"Sir Humphrey..." Bernard crouched down and tried to shake him from the seeming nightmare, a little concerned now his amusement had faded. "Please wake up."
"No! Get off me! I-" Humphrey awoke as his flailing fist connected awkwardly with Bernard's nose and pushed him off balance to the floor. "Bernard!" He covered his mouth with a hand, appalled at what he had done. "Oh my dear boy! I'm so sorry!"
"It's alright... I'm fine." Bernard stood back up, holding his hand to his nose. There was no blood when he removed it a few moments later. "I'm more concerned about you Sir Humphrey. It sounded like you were having a nightmare."
Humphrey groaned and sat back against the wooden headboard.
"Yes... I keep hallucinating when I fall asleep... It's dreadful Bernard. I hate it." For something to be so out of control in Humphrey's world... It disturbed him considerably to think that his mind, the thing he prided himself on so much, was capable of producing such vivid, senseless and horrifying fantasies.
"The Minister warned me about this..." Bernard muttered.
"About having hallucinations? Well for him that seems par for the course..." Even ill Humphrey was still scathing about his political master.
Bernard chuckled. "Just remember that they're not real Sir Humphrey. Shall I make you some lunch?"
"Oh no please, don't trouble yourself like that Bernard." Even though he was ravenous, politeness came first and foremost.
"And how else do you intend to eat then?" Bernard put a hand on one hip, looking almost camp which amused Humphrey.
"Well I..."
"How did you manage breakfast anyway?" His hand dropped from his hip to behind his back, linking with the other one in Bernard's normal polite and almost angelic stance.
"...I didn't." Humphrey knew he'd get an earful now from his own Florence Nightingale.
"Sir Humphrey..." Bernard sounded about to chide him.
"I know Bernard." Humphrey snapped before the beration could continue. "I can barely stand thanks to this damn ear infection..." He was sulking like a small child, arms folded and pouting slightly.
Bernard noticed this, beginning to wonder if this was really how Sir Humphrey had acted as a child.
"I'll fetch lunch Sir Humphrey." Bernard walked to the door, stopping and smiling mysteriously at the older man.
"Yes Bernard?"
"Oh, nothing..." With what Humphrey thought was a slight blush appearing on his cheeks, Bernard disappeared downstairs to cook.
He spent the rest of the afternoon in an armchair in Humphrey's bedroom reading. Occasionally he would check on Humphrey resting peacefully in bed or fetch him things when demanded but overall he was an easy patient to deal with.
"Easier than at work..." Bernard remarked to himself, wishing they could spend more time together out of the office. To go out for a meal or a show... that would be heaven but Bernard knew it could never be. His crush was utterly daft and a hindrance to his work, just like his morals.
He sighed, looking over the top of the book at Humphrey now sitting up and staring out of the window.
"Any more hallucinations?" Bernard had caught mumbles of Humphrey's disorganised dreams from across the room. A surprising amount seemed to include his parents or childish themes.
"No..." Humphrey shook his head, seeming dazed. He was swaying ever so slightly as he still did when he sat up in bed.
"Sir Humphrey?"
"Bernard..." Humphrey paused. "I find myself in a predicament that is unsatisfactory and on the whole irksome on a most primitive but necessary echelon of which one would not permit into conversation in the presence of polite company. Currently I happen to be experiencing a most discomforting degree of pressure in the pelvic region of which immediate relief would be most appreciable and desired. As I am, with all the facts duly considered, suffering mild otitis interna in my present circumstance however, some moderate physical assistance may be necessitated in order to attain the completion of reprieve from this unpleasant and distracting pressure."
Bernard snickered as he moved to Humphrey's bedside.
"That is the most complex and superfluous euphemism for needing the bathroom I have ever heard Sir Humphrey..." Of course, Bernard could understand every word Humphrey used to disguise his true meaning. It piqued him a little as he was so used to it working on the Minister. "Shall we?"
Humphrey looked at nervously Bernard as he moved to support the older man with an arm under Humphrey's and around his back. He was hesitant to actually touch his boss though the heat he could feel radiating from his body was making Bernard tingle inside, particularly in his tight trousers.
"Thank you Bernard..." Humphrey swung his legs out of bed and stood, gently leaning on Bernard for support. "I struggle to even make it to the bathroom in this condition..."
Murmuring something reassuring, Bernard couldn't help but look down at Humphrey's feet.
"Long feet, long-"
"Are you feeling well yourself Bernard?" Humphrey interrupted the thought before it became too lewd. Bernard swallowed heavily. "You look rather pink... Or maybe you're just blushing as usual." The supporting man's blush deepened to crimson as Humphrey whispered into his ear.
"Sir Humphrey..." Bernard found all his breath had escaped him as he gasped his secret crush's name.
"Do not think that I haven't noticed by now Bernard. You certainly blush enough in my presence. May I enquire why?" Humphrey was still murmuring directly into Bernard's ear and he felt the exhilarating tingle grow even stronger. His desire for Humphrey... It was too much. Bernard knew that his natural self-defence mechanism was about to kick in.
"Oh, well I... erm... that is, I mean..." He became flustered and began "flapping like bunch of wet hens" as Jim termed it.
Humphrey chuckled as he entered the bathroom, a hand on the wall for support now Bernard was left outside, standing with his back to the wall with folded arms as he tried to will his blush away by deep breathing and calming thoughts.
When Humphrey emerged after a short while, he was the one looking a little embarrassed; it was unlike him to show that he was also human after all.
"It's alright Sir Humphrey," Bernard supported him back to bed, teasing in good humour along the way. "You're human just like everyone else."
"Please don't compare me to them Bernard..." Humphrey muttered spitefully.
"You need to eat, sleep, breathe-"
"Thank you Bernard." Humphrey cut in, attempting to cut Bernard off.
"Excrete-"
"Thank you Bernard!" Humphrey emphasised it a little more.
"Have sex-"
"Bernard!" Humphrey hadn't meant it to come out as quite such a squeak.
They both paused beside Humphrey's bed staring at one another. Neither could believe that Bernard had dared bring that subject up here and now in their current situation. It was both nerves and latent sexual desires.
Humphrey swallowed, hoping his rapidly beating heart would settle back into his chest rather than his throat.
Bernard felt tingling warmth rise on his cheeks out of both embarrassment and a strange delight to finally breach the subject in Humphrey's presence.
"Well surely you must-" Bernard began, unsure of whether to press this subject now it was in the air.
"My coital life is none of your business Bernard." Humphrey retorted as he climbed into bed.
"Ah..." Bernard looked down reproachfully. "Of course not... But-"
"Bernard..." Humphrey warned him, voice growling a little.
"I merely-"
"Desist Bernard!" Humphrey barked. Bernard backed down like a scolded puppy with his tail between his legs. "I doubt you would be willing to divulge anything were I to ask the same of you."
"I wouldn't mind." Bernard answered blithely with a weak smile.
Humphrey sighed, "Well that is because you allow your personal life and feelings to intrude where they are not needed. You should have more discretion Bernard." Picking up his book, Humphrey turned his attention to that and left Bernard to say his dutiful,
"Yes Sir Humphrey."
Before returning to the armchair across the room.
They both read in silence for a while, minds still a little plagued by that delicate and prickly conversation.
Bernard wondered if Humphrey had something to hide.
Humphrey wondered if Bernard had nothing to hide.
"So do you have a girlfriend then?"
Bernard froze, lowered his book and caught Humphrey's scrutinising brown gaze.
"No..." Bernard answered cautiously. "I haven't been in a proper relationship for a long time..." He tried to hide behind the safe, creamy pages whilst still peering over the top as if watching a potential predator.
"Hmm..." Humphrey was obviously considering this revelation.
Bernard watched and waited, feeling his pulse rate slowly rise and his breathing shallow as he anticipated the next question.
"Why did you separate?"
"Well I... He-"
"He?"
"She!" Bernard blurted out a self-correction though it was already too late.
"You are...?"
Bernard cursed internally that he had let his tongue slip at such an important moment. "...Yes Sir Humphrey. I am an invert." Bernard admitted but was unable to look him in the face.
"Oh."
Daring to glance up, Bernard saw that although surprised, Humphrey didn't seem particularly disgusted. He barely even seemed that shocked. Had something betrayed his nature to Sir Humphrey over their time together?
"Or maybe he is one too... Anything is possible after all." Bernard thought optimistically, shutting the book with his finger as a bookmark.
All of a sudden, Humphrey furrowed his brow and began to look a little troubled.
Slowly, leaving the book in his seat, Bernard crept across the room to him and waved his hand before the older man's face.
"Sir Humphrey? Are you feeling unwell?"
"No, no..." Humphrey assured him.
What about his revelation troubled Humphrey so? He did not seem disgusted or appear to think any lower of Bernard for admitting it.
Bernard crouched down, folding his arms and resting them on the side of the bed whilst he looked up at Humphrey.
"Your ideal man Bernard, describe him to me." Even when they were utterly ludicrous, Humphrey was still inclined to give Bernard orders.
"What?"
"I'm... just curious." He dismissed it as that though there was obviously more to all of this.
Why wouldn't Sir Humphrey just let the subject drop? He wanted something specific out of it was Bernard's logical conclusion. Whatever he wanted out of it, this seemed a very strange way to be taking to get there.
"Oh, well..." Bernard began thinking. "I tired of being the older, more dependable one in the relationship so I think I would like him to be older than me... He'd have to know Latin and Ancient Greek of course... Intelligent, no wait, more intelligent than I am to assist me when I need it at work... Be interested in similar things, culturally I mean... Oh and quite introverted... Beautiful chocolate brown eyes, black hair- though I suppose it might be turning grey if he's older than me-"
"Bernard..." Humphrey cut in when he could take it no longer. "...You appear to be describing... me."
"Do I?" Bernard looked up at him innocently. "Oh I never realised. That's quite a funny coincidence isn't it?" He smiled cheerily.
"It's not coincidence though, is it?" Humphrey asked in a deathly serious tone.
"..." Bernard's smile faded. "No Sir Humphrey."
Seeing Humphrey move his legs over a little, Bernard took the cue to sit on the bed so they were equal.
"Bernard I..." Humphrey ran a hand through his hair, shaking his head. Whether the dizziness was from shock or the illness he couldn't tell. "That previous utterance which, on a personal scale, I found most implausible and staggering, in actuality, taking into account all facts and sentiments which in this instance may be of a greater significance, is not, on the whole, unwelcomed nor displeasing. They may, to all extents, be words that certain parties wish certain other parties had expressed with greater alacrity because, as improbable as this may seem upon first impressions, which I advise you one should go beyond, those words, that is expressed inclinations of an amative nature might... be..." Humphrey paused. Bernard leaned in a little closer, "reciprocated."
Bernard started off the bed.
"Sir Humphrey I-"
"Please, just Humphrey." He gestured for Bernard to sit again on the side of the bed.
"No, I couldn't call you that Sir Humphrey." Frankly, Bernard was shocked that he had even requested of it. "You earned your title and I should use it."
"I would give it up for you Bernard." Bernard flinched as he felt a warm hand rest lightly and unsurely on his. He backed away slightly.
"Please Sir Humphrey, return to normal... I don't know what to make of you like this..." The fear was apparent in Bernard's eye and it frightened Humphrey as well. To think they had come this close and yet he might still lose Bernard, now forever...
"Hear me out first Bernard." Unsurely, the younger and frightened man sat still and waited for Humphrey to speak. "I have had these... feelings for you for a while now. At first, I hated them for getting clouding my mind and endangering my work but they grew too strong. I can't control them any longer; I don't want to restrain them any longer... I will even go so far as to admit...
I love you Bernard."
Bernard swallowed then gasped, looking away to his knees.
"Gosh! I... I don't really know what to say..." He smiled. "You even used single syllable words for me." Humphrey didn't even mind the slight jibe.
"Before I go any further..." Humphrey's hands fidgeted on his legs. "And do something we may both regret." Bernard saw his hungry, desiring gaze which rested upon Bernard's chest then moved lower to his waist. "I must know if you reciprocate Bernard. I will not force myself upon you otherwise."
"You want to-" Bernard squeaked at the idea, then coughed and spoke normally. "You are going to force yourself upon me?"
"I have been sorely tempted to for months Bernard..." Humphrey purred, his eyes seeming to darken in colour and smoulder with lust like burning wood. "Do not make me wait any longer."
Bernard may have felt forced into answering to hear that but he happily and wilfully gave his reply.
"Yes, I do love you too... Humphrey."
With a delighted smile which quickly turned to a dark smirk, Humphrey grabbed the knot of Bernard's tie and pulled him close, an arm either side of Humphrey's chest as he sat up in bed.
"Are you sure this is the right time to start Humphrey? You're ill..." Right now Bernard was the one feeling dizzier as his head clouded with Humphrey's scent and the pale white skin that he could see between the buttons of his indigo pyjamas. His heart was beating rapidly and the beginning of an erection was building against the heat of Humphrey's thigh between his legs.
"It only affects my balance Bernard. I will be fine if I'm lying down." Humphrey raised his eyebrows suggestively as he pulled Bernard's tie loose in rough tugs, leaving it hanging there as he pulled the navy jacket off and slung it to the end of the bed.
Humphrey had never seen Bernard's face flush as it did at those words. He looked breathless already from arousal, or maybe Humphrey had nearly strangled him while pulling his tie off.
"Bernard?" He caressed the side of Bernard's face, feeling his smooth, warm skin.
"I never thought about how arousing your wicked tongue would be in bed Humphrey." To look at the lecherous sparkle in his dark blue eyes, it was obvious now that Bernard's repressed carnal side was just as strong as Humphrey's.
"Oh really? What have you thought about?" Humphrey could feel his dominance slipping slightly as Bernard crawled up to sit in his lap, erections pushed together through too much fabric, and slip a hand into the slightly greying, fluffy hair of his soon to be lover.
"Making love of course but first, kissing you..." Bernard placed his lips to Humphrey's, gently at first and then passionately, forcefully. He felt Humphrey's tongue first hand against his lips, darting between them and into his mouth. It was powerful and quick as a snake as it pinned his own tongue down and dominated his mouth.
Opening his eyes, Bernard found Humphrey's deep brown ones almost too much to bear at this close range. They were frightening, exhilarating and made Bernard's spine and limbs tingle.
Unbeknownst to him, Humphrey felt the same way. He was surprised at just how unlike "Bernard" Bernard was now being. He wasn't innocent, naive or moral at all; at least not in bed it seemed.
They pulled apart and Humphrey began undoing the buttons on Bernard's waistcoat and then shirt.
A little apprehensive to be doing this to Sir Humphrey of all people, Bernard cautiously did the same, pushing his dressing gown off his shoulders first then his shirt.
After all their fantasies, neither could believe this was happening as Bernard pressed his strong chest up against Humphrey's more feline one, holding the older man's back gently which arched to the touch as they both lay down. It was a struggle getting the rest of their clothes off in that position, scattering them on the bed and the floor around before Humphrey held back the cover for Bernard to slide into bed with him.
"I'm actually in your bed..." Bernard murmured aloud as he looked around at his new predicament, feeling hands already exploring his naked body. "Crikey!"
Humphrey chuckled, his forefinger tracing shapes upon Bernard's bare chest. It felt like it was leaving a trail of fire behind it as the nail caught his pale, creamy skin.
"And I hope this isn't the last time either Bernard. You may come and stay the night whenever you please..." Humphrey purred as any cat would in such a pleasing situation. "I'd like you to stay tonight if you can."
"But I don't have any pyjamas with me." Bernard held Humphrey's waist and pulled him in close. As far as he was concerned, the more contact with that gorgeous body the better.
"I cannot see that being a problem in any way..." Climbing atop Bernard astride his hips, Humphrey pinned his shoulders down finding that he needed to for support. Even if he was ill, he couldn't wait any longer for this. "If anything, it might be advantageous." Biting Bernard's neck made him moan with pleasure. Biting under his chin, sucking his Adam's apple nearly made him climax already.
Humphrey was glad to have found his lover's weakness so quickly.
"I apologise if this preparation is a little brief for you Bernard but I am desperate and have been for some time." Humphrey commented as his fingers slid into Bernard's arsehole, his sphincter contracting involuntarily at first before relaxing. It felt like his first time all over again. His proper first time with the man he truly loved.
"Hurry up and take me Sir Humphrey. You can be as rough as you feel necessary..." Bernard panted, grasping at Humphrey's back then down to cup his firm buttocks.
Stretching Bernard wide with three fingers, Humphrey bit at his ear and whispered, "I did wonder if you might be a masochist Bernard. I'm so glad that you are; we're going to get on terribly well in bed." The fingers of his free hand curled and dug into Bernard's skin. Although he gasped with pained pleasure, Bernard had never felt anything so right as being dominated and hurt by Sir Humphrey.
Bernard felt like questioning why Humphrey was so good at this, how he knew just what to do to maximise pleasure for both parties and why he kept lubrication in his bedside drawer but he found his mouth occupied with the lips pressed against his and his mind beginning to cloud with desperation.
For once, Humphrey was struggling to think in words of more than a syllable as he thrust into Bernard, lifting him slightly up off the mattress with the force he was using.
Heat was building between them as skin rubbed against skin. Bernard couldn't ever remember Humphrey looking so unravelled and feral with a faint flush to his milky white skin and muscles slightly tensed under it. For Humphrey, Bernard looked as adorable as ever lying beneath him. A few dishevelled strands of hair covered his brow as his tongue darted over his lips; that strange habit of Bernard's always made his lips look desirably moist and kissable and for once, Humphrey could fulfil his desire.
Feeling a two-syllable moan into his mouth and warmth against his stomach, Humphrey gasped to realise that Bernard had climaxed before he shuddered and came as well deep inside of Bernard.
Whether it was down to the illness of sheer ecstasy he was experiencing, Humphrey roused from a hazy rest a few moments later to Bernard stroking through his hair and even placing a kiss to his forehead.
"Humphrey..." Bernard whispered and Humphrey felt a shiver of delight.
How could just being in love make him such a different man? Humphrey couldn't comprehend all these new, heartfelt feelings and why he felt so tied to Bernard after making love just once. It was all so illogical...
"How do you feel Humphrey?" Bernard asked with concern.
"Why did you come here today to look after me Bernard?" As usual, Humphrey totally avoided the question in favour of one he liked better. Bernard assumed this meant he was functioning as normal.
"I... I felt it was my duty, as a friend... and lover." Bernard blushed a little. Inside his thoughts, he delighted in thinking of himself as "Sir Humphrey's lover" the only honour that he had ever wanted personally.
Humphrey laughed. "Thank you all the same Bernard." He was smiling without consideration for once, expressing himself truly and openly.
"You should laugh more often Humphrey. Your laugh is so endearing."
It was Humphrey's turn to blush this time.
"Oh no... I..." To see Humphrey embarrassed even; Bernard was having a very good day today indeed.
"That is why I have been trying to make you laugh more Humphrey. I love to see you happy."
"And that is also why you blush and go wide-eyed and coy every time I smile at you I suppose?" Humphrey teased. Bernard did just as he said when confronted with Humphrey's triumphant grin.
"...You were at the top of my Christmas list last year Humphrey." Bernard admitted.
It had the desired effect of making Humphrey laugh again. "Oh you are too sweet Bernard." He smiled fondly at Bernard. "Too sweet, adorable, witty and charming for your own good sometimes. I would love for you to achieve the position you deserve in the Civil Service but... promise me that you will not let it corrupt you Bernard."
Stunned to silence for a moment, Bernard nodded. "I promise Humphrey." He looked about, hearing only distant birdsong outside the window and no other intruding noise. "But must we talk about work now? Is it really what you want to pillow-talk about after or first time?"
"Of course not dear Bernard." Humphrey laid his head down on Bernard's chest, listening to his heartbeat. "If you really wish to get to know me better then you may. I am happy however intimate and personal this relationship gets."
"Oh..." Bernard was surprised. "If I may say, that is very unlike you Humphrey." Truthfully, Bernard was thrilled to be given the chance to know his new lover more intimately.
"Yes, I suppose it is." He smiled contentedly. "I suppose it is..."
-o-o-o-o-o-
"Ah, you're both back. How was it then?" Jim grinned to see his two closest Civil Servants walk in together after two days off ill.
"Bernard is a most excellent nurse Minister. I don't know what I would have done without him." Humphrey put an arm around Bernard's shoulder who looked up at him and smiled broadly and proudly.
"Glad to hear it. Did you have any chance to begin on the proposal while you were resting Humphrey?" Jim noticed the stark, positive change in Humphrey's mood and closer proximity to Bernard than normal.
"The proposal?" Humphrey asked rhetorically. "I was convalescing in bed Minister. I did not have the time nor energy to do any form of work." The corner of Bernard's lip turned up in a slight, cheeky grin.
"Well how did you occupy your time? I was frightfully bored myself."
"Uh, well now..." Humphrey stalled, eyes glancing for a millisecond at Bernard before around the office.
"He slept for much of it. Or read." Bernard cut in, saving Humphrey the trouble.
"I see... Any hallucinations? You did say Bernard..." Jim reminded him as Humphrey gave them an inquisitive frown.
"I have my discretion Minister. I would not wish to divulge the events of that time without Sir Humphrey's consent." Humphrey's arm dropped down Bernard's back but didn't seem to return to his side. How odd.
"Yes of course." A broad smirk emerged on Jim's face.
The other two looked at each other and Bernard could have sworn Humphrey winked at him. He hoped he wasn't blushing again as he turned back to Jim, bowing his head slightly in case he was.
"Well we have work to do gentlemen. Shall we begin?" Jim offered.
"Yes Minister." The two replied in sync, leaving the room together.
Waiting a moment, Jim laughed as he sat back in his chair.
"Those two are such unobservant, love-sick fools! How can it have taken them this long to realise? I noticed in a week of them falling for one another! And all the papers were saying the other week that I was the unobservant one."
He continued delighting in the ludicrousy of the situation for some time.
In Sir Humphrey's office, ensconced in one of the high-backed chairs together while necking, Bernard pulled away from Humphrey to cough and swallow hard.
"Bernard?"
"I'm alright Humphrey. Please..." Bernard's beautiful blue eyes begged Humphrey to continue with the kissing and fondling they had been engaged in.
Humphrey his hand gently to Bernard's throat to stop him. He heard the slight rasp to Bernard's breath and felt his awkward swallow.
"May I enquire as to your throat Bernard?" Humphrey had a smirk developing.
"Erm..."
"It's sore, isn't it?"
"Yes Humphrey..." Bernard bowed his head as Humphrey kissed his slightly feverish forehead.
"Oh you poor boy. It's looks as if I am going to be able to return the favour after all." That was the one thing Humphrey had been concerned about. After the amount of time spent in close embrace and kissing, it was no wonder Bernard had caught it as well.
"You can't do that Humphrey!" Bernard exclaimed. "Think of how it will look!"
Humphrey placed the pad of his forefinger to Bernard's lips instead, the ones he wanted to kiss so desperately.
"I must Bernard. I feel it is my duty."