Of Memories and Ink-stains
If there was ever one girl that Sirius Black would ever admit to loving, it would be a girl by the name of Calista Fillian. In fact, if Sirius were ever truly honest, he would have told her so, as she was the only being on Earth to ever capture his heart in a way that every single smile and every glance she gave him, only brought him closer to reaching pure happiness.
Of course, he had never told her just how much he loved her. Nor had Sirius Black even admitted it to himself until he reached the age of seventeen and his best mate, James Potter had given him the shove he needed to admit his feelings. To himself.
It had been raining that day, he remembered. And it wasn't the kind of rain that brought sadness to the heart, but a merely happy sunshine drizzle. James had cornered him in the common room, and Remus had been there, too. Peter had disappeared somewhere, but he honestly wasn't missed. There was no-one else in the Gryffindor common room, bar the three Marauders and two first years, who were busy working away on one of Slughorn's essays last minute.
"Sirius, mate," James began, placing a large hand on the slightly shorter boy's shoulder. "You've been miserable for an entire week."
"I haven't been miserable; just… very tired." He defended.
Remus sighed. "No, Padfoot, you've really been miserable." He insisted. "You've been slouching, eating… well, less, and you've been ignoring every girl who comes your way. Face it; there's something wrong with you." He concluded, being the brains behind the infamous Marauders.
"And I'm going to wager that it's Fillian." James added on, as if it was last thought. "Even Evans noticed, mate."
"Since when have you spoken to Evans? No – since when has Evans spoken to you?" It was a pathetic attempt to change the subject, and, reflecting back on that moment, Sirius wanted to slap himself for it.
James gave an indignant "I'll have you know –" But was interrupted by Remus Lupin, who foiled Sirius' attempt.
"See? This is the point. Sirius, you didn't even notice when Evans finally succumbed to Prongs!" He said, exasperated. "He's been prancing around for the past three days, singing about how his Lily-flower finally agreed to go to Hogsmeade. You missed it, because you were off in your little world of –"
"Yes, alright, I get the point." Sirius huffed. "So? What of it? I had an argument with her. She was a good friend and she isn't talking to me. It makes me feel shit, okay?" He said, flopping down onto one of the crimson couches.
"What was the fight about? You never did tell us." James said, pressing the matter and ignoring Sirius' supposedly final harrumph.
The Black in question sat up and rested his elbows on his knees, massaging his temples. It only seemed to intensify the headache he could just feel coming on. "Look, we were both upset that day…"
"Don't lie to us, Padfoot." Remus said warningly.
He shook his head and stood. He began pacing. "Alright, so she came to me and told me that she was dating that idiot MacLaggen." He said, crossing his arms over his chest and peering at his best mates through narrowed eyes.
"And..?"
"Well, she didn't exactly like it when I told her she was just another bimbo going after that complete dick, and that she should really find a real man."He rolled his eyes at them, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.
"So let me get this straight;" James began, "You told her that her boyfriend was a dick, and she was equally stupid for dating him?" At his best mates nod, James groaned out loud and slapped himself on the forehead. "You… idiot."
"Hey! I know it was stupid, alright? No need to rub it in." He muttered angrily, taking his place on the couch again. "But it's true. She shouldn't be dating that dunderhead. He's… well, a dunderhead."
Remus sat down next to Sirius with the roll of his eyes. It wasn't an impatient roll of the eyes, but an affectionate one. "Actually, MacLaggen is a really good bloke. You just don't like him because he's dating the girl you are so obviously in love with." He finished with a grin.
Sirius stared at him and a moment of silence ensued. "Moony… Have you gone mad?" He received no retort or reply from either of his mates, and was allowed to think. Which was very dangerous.
James smirked as the red began to rise up in Sirius' cheeks, once given time to think these words over. Sirius Black had been blushing. It was the first time he'd ever done that in front of his mates. Ever. And he wondered why they had both known in that instant. He really had been an idiot.
He gave another heavy sigh. He was beginning to lose count, honestly. "Alright, alright. So the last three years spent as her friend have led me to what? Love her?" They nodded vigorously and he shook his head. "I can't believe I'm admitting to this…" He gave a groan and James and Remus laughed at him. Once again, he found himself blushing. It was quite embarrassing really.
It was embarrassing that Sirius Black, bachelor and ladies man extraordinaire, had fallen in love. With someone who wouldn't think twice about him that way. Ew. Mushy.
But he did love her. He'd hated her at first – he had only seen her as wretchedly smart, especially when it came to pranks; and one of the most annoying girls on the planet. But, as time called for it, there was a truce, and eventually a friendship. Both had grown into stunningly beautiful young adults – mostly in the last year. Calista had her honey-coloured hair and womanly figure, which drew its fair share of attention; and Sirius was simply… devilishly handsome.
She was smart, funny, brilliant with pranks, not to mention her kindness… It was the kind of kindness that only came out when she thought no-one was looking, and it amazed him. Completely.
What was that about 'ew' and 'mushy'?
"Earth the Padfoot!" James' voice suddenly came from nowhere and his hand came into focus, waving in front of Sirius' very contemplative face. When James had finally bought him out of his reverie, he hadn't allowed him to speak, simply pulling him from the crimson couch and shoving him in the direction if the portrait hole. "Get going, you prat."
"I love you, Prongs!" He shouted as he sped through the portrait hole. And he truly did. No, not in any way homosexual. But as a brother… only without the hatred.
Sirius had run as fast as his legs could carry him down through the corridors and out into the grounds, towards the lake and the forest, where he knew she would be, sitting there with her tattered journal and a large black ink stain on the corner of her mouth. And he'd found her. He had never been so happy.
She scowled as she looked up at him and he faltered. "Look, Cal, I-I'm sorry. I really am. MacLaggen isn't an idiot. You're not an idiot for dating him. I'm just… so, so sorry." He said sincerely, grey eyes meeting green ones as she stood, placing her journal under one arm and her quill in her wind-tousled hair.
She frowned at him, the ink on the corner of her mouth, just as he'd imagined. "Sirius…" She shook her head and stopped what she was going to say. "I'm glad you don't feel that way anymore, because I don't think I could –"
"Listen, I need to tell you something." She stopped and furrowed her brow, chewing her lip, her ink-stained hand tracing the hem of her skirt as she waited for him to continue. And after a deep breath, he did. "MacLaggen isn't the idiot, nor are you… I'm the idiot. I am the biggest idiot in the world, Calista."
She cocked her head to the side. "And why is that?" She couldn't help but add a trace of sarcasm to her words.
He hesitated. "Because… because I-I lo –"
BANG! It was in slow motion, or so Sirius remembered, that Calista screamed and her body twisted in mid-air, a green light slicing through it. "NO!"
She'd died that day, and he'd never been able to tell her he loved her. The Death Eaters had taken that from him. They had attacked that day, and he'd slaughtered three of the nine, his anger taking over. And he'd done it for her, though he knew she'd frown at him and quote Ghandi. 'An eye for an eye leaves the world blind, Sirius.'
He hoped he'd blinded the world thoroughly.
And so, it was very peculiar that Sirius Black had remembered that day at the moment he'd met a black abyss. One moment he had been standing with Harry in front of the Veil and fighting the Death Eaters, the next, he was falling through darkness, before landing with a thud, and a memory, on solid ground.
He stood and brushed himself off, taking in his surroundings. He stood under that tree near the Black Lake and the Forbidden Forest, and as he looked down, was startled to see that he was seventeen again.
His head whipped up at the sound of footsteps and his eyes widened at the sight. He gaped for a moment, speechless – which was something Sirius was not very often – before taking a step forward, grasping for her, almost desperately.
"Hello, Sirius." She said, her green eyes filling with tears, which he felt his own doing. She stood in all her glory, the sunlight behind her, giving her an angelic effect. She was an angel. But that was… impossible.
"Calista?" He whispered, as if any loud noise would ruin the dream. She smiled and he stepped forward as she took his hand in her own. "Y-you're… I'm…"
"Yes, Sirius." She answered. Yes, we're dead.
"What is this?" He asked, looking around. Anywhere but at her, as he was afraid he might lose himself.
She smiled. "It's… heaven. Well, in a sense. I have discovered that we are given our most emotional moments in death. And this was yours, I guess. As was it mine." She said, placing a warm hand on his cheek. "And we never got to finish it." She said, looking up into his eyes, begging him for something.
"I-I…" He couldn't speak; looking at her, it made him… feel like a bloody woman. Emotional. "That day, Cal," She nodded for him to continue, her hand still placed on his cheek. "That day, I came to tell you that I," He cleared his throat, attempting to savour any remainders of his manliness. "That I love you, Calista. I love you. I always have."
She grinned up at him and removed her hand. "Was that so difficult?" She asked teasingly. He grinned and pulled her closer by the hand.
"Oh, it was very difficult. In fact, I think I'm in need of a bit of tender care, I'm so very warn out." He smirked into her lips as she pulled him down into a kiss. Those perfect lips. Right down to the ink-stain on the corner of her mouth.