A/N: I've not written fic for quite a long time and this is my first Casualty piece, so this is really an attempt to try get back into writing fic. I'm not sure if I'll write more for this, but if there's any interest in it then maybe…
It's merciless, and she's guilty. Perhaps she is, perhaps she isn't. It's Ash that's blaming himself, but really Connie knows that Jeff wouldn't' be dead if it wasn't for her. She'd instigated the trip, she was the one that insisted on them all going. It was not Ash's fault at all. His injury was Connie's fault too, and she lay in bed at night, tossing and turning on crumpled sheets as these thoughts plagued and nibbled at her troubled mind. It was, quite simply, awful. And now she was cracking up. Charlie Fairhead was a good man, but despite this (or perhaps because of it?) all he was doing was reminding Connie piece by piece that if it wasn't for her, the ED wouldn't be tumbling down at her feet.
Zoe Hanna would never have let this happen. She'd have sorted it out for sure, in fact, if Zoe was still clinical lead then they wouldn't have gone on the stupid trip, they wouldn't have crashed, Ash and Ethan wouldn't be injured, and Jeff – Jeff would not be dead. Oh, God! Connie jerked up into a sitting position, dry sobs wracking her body with pain. If only Zoe hadn't have left. Just that afternoon she'd phoned the woman, let her know that she needed her back. Well, let her know that the ED needed her back. Connie was not one to let people know she was weak and needed help, and how she needed Zoe now. Oh she was infuriating and had every right to reject Connie after she'd all but pushed her out of the ED, but she hadn't. She'd been extraordinarily sweet on the phone and Connie had responded with all her usual abruptness. It wouldn't do to let Zoe know she was falling apart.
Connie stood up stiffly, raking her hands through her long dark hair. She wasn't going to be able to sleep now, and she went into her bathroom, filling up the tub with warm water. Perhaps it would help her to relax. But relaxation was another thing she was finding nigh on impossible these days. Her daughter was providing to be an endless worry, and all she could think was that she'd failed her. Yet more guilt. Grace was staying with her father and although Connie was concerned that she wasn't spending time with her daughter even now, she was partly glad that Grace was far away. To have the pressure of Grace's needs on top of everything else would undoubtedly become too much. She pulled off her long robe and slid into the water, fully submerging herself in the warmth with only her hair fanning out upon the surface. Connie lay there for a moment, suspended underwater, blood thrashing in her ears, eyes screwed up against the sting, neither floating nor swimming, it felt for a moment like she could carry on sinking into darkness until she knew no more, but of course she couldn't and she burst through the skin of the water, coughing slightly and pulling strands of sodden hair away from her face.
Connie leant back again, carefully rubbing her shampoo in and rinsing it quickly, the languor of the initial moments forgotten. She went through the motions of washing with a rather desolate and perfunctory air, and when she was done she stepped out just as quickly, wrapping herself up in an old blue towel. Today was going to be hard. Yes, Zoe was coming back which could only make the ED's situation better, but in point of fact, and not that she'd ever admit it to anyone, Connie was slightly scared. She could picture exactly what Zoe would be like and she didn't like it – snarky but lovely, friendly but slightly condescending – oh, Connie could see it now. Zoe Hanna was infuriatingly nice to her and it made her insides twist with shame. She was also very beautiful. Connie didn't lie to herself, she knew what her true feelings towards Zoe were. It was partly why she had lashed out against her in the first place, she hadn't wanted to feel affection to anyone at that moment in time particularly. It wasn't that she was scared or doubted her feelings of attraction; she'd long identified as bisexual but she had been utterly hostile towards the notion of falling in love with anyone. And then she had. And now she needed Zoe back, and Zoe was coming back, and she wasn't sure that she'd be able to hold on. It was hard enough going to work and seeing Ethan's pale face and Dixie's grief, or the way that Charlie looked at her pityingly, and to have Zoe around – well, things would be six times better and six times worse at the same time.
She laughed slightly, scornfully. "Oh, Zoe Hanna," she said aloud, rubbing her hand back and forth against her forehead. "What have you done to me?"
Connie was entirely correct in her assumption that she wouldn't sleep again that night after her bath, so when she arrived at the ED later that morning she was just about exhausted as she pushed through her office door with a small sigh.
"You look tired," an amused voice commented, and Connie whipped her attention round sharply, stunned to find Zoe already sitting behind her old desk, sipping on something from a cardboard cup. Zoe raised an eyebrow at Connie's shocked expression but didn't comment. "Here," she said, shoving an identical cup across the table towards the other woman. "I got you a coffee."
"Thanks." Connie accepted it with slightly shaking fingers. "What are you – I mean, I wasn't expecting you back here so soon."
Zoe smiled. "Well," she shrugged. "I know how busy it gets round here and I wanted to get my bearings back on the place before it gets too full."
"Hm. Thanks for the coffee, anyway," Connie said, sitting down behind her computer. "It - it's good of you to come back at such short notice. Charlie seemed to think that your presence was needed, most of the staff are falling apart at the seams." Never would she – in fact, she didn't think she physically could – admit that she probably wanted Zoe back most of all. It was frustrating her, her sudden lack of being able to cope. It was not who she was, she was Connie Beauchamp, Ice Queen of all, and that was how she liked it. She didn't like wandering the ED in a daze like a lost sheep, needing to call back her office crush because she couldn't manage anymore. And Zoe looked well, she'd evidently used her time off to her advantage.
"It must've been awful for you all," Zoe said, privately wondering who Connie's 'most of the staff' included, "I was devastated when I heard." It had, truly been a shock. Jeff Collier, nine lives every time Jeff Collier, dead? Impossible. She'd been equally saddened that she couldn't attend the funeral. She'd sent flowers, but it wasn't enough really.
"Yes. Well," Connie hesitated, unsure of what to say, and cursing herself for it. She was never unsure, this was not who she was! "I think we should begin to get to work." Because that was what Connie Beauchamp did, wasn't it? Smother her emotions with work no matter how much her heart was breaking.