Story note: This is a one-shot that requires the reading of The Choices We Make. I wrote this while developing the story arc for that fic. I decided to post it because of the concern I had for all of Embry and Leah's wedding guests who wrote a review bemoaning the absence of the addiction of Choices in their lives. (Kelc, LOL!) For them, and for those who hated how Leah treated Embry for most of Choices, I thought to prolong the story just a little bit to provide some insight into her character....

Anyway, enjoy!

~ Foggybythebay

Written by Leah during the week after Chapter 40, A Kiss To Build a Dream On, of The Choices We Make...

Dear Journal,

My shrink is making it mandatory for me to keep a journal while I'm seeing him. You see, my husband just died. I'm a new mom, and my ex-boyfriend is suddenly this real person who still loves me and is back in my life despite the complete shit I've been to him. It's hard not to believe that my current life is not solely just some figment of my imagination. It's a lot to take in, and oh yeah, I've just come out of a two-month, self-imposed vow of silence.

No kidding.

Anyway, I figure that writing in this journal will keep Felicia, my sister-in-law - is she still? even though I'm her brother's widow? - from dragging me back to my therapist's office every day. Maybe I can write my way into going every other day. Ok, I won't write anything disparaging about her here, in case she's going to check that I'm actually doing this.

Anyway, I've had a lot of time to think, seeing as I haven't been talking, and I'm starting to understand why I've acted the way I have toward Embry and every other person in my life.

Some might call me a martyr, giving up on "true love" in order to fulfill my Alpha female role, but I don't see myself that way.

No, not by a long shot. So don't go spinning up some asinine legend about me to tell around the damn bonfire.

Just let me tell my story, my way...

Long before Embry or Stefan, shortly after Sam imprinted on Emily and right before my dad died, I'd come to the life-altering conclusion that I'd be barren for the rest of my unnatural life. I had been trying to get a grip on the cruel fact that the choice to have a baby had been taken from me when I lost my dad. I was 18 at the time, and that can really mess a girl like me up.

I had all these pretty dreams and slowly but surely, they'd been stripped from me.

When I was only a human, I believed in true love.

My mom had no issues or qualms about reading fairy tales to me. I knew every storybook princess, could sing all the Disney songs, and I was a girl who grew up wanting to be one of those princesses, fully equipped with beautiful clothes, gorgeous sparkly shoes, and a Prince Charming who would sweep me off my feet and keep me from marring any of my expensive things.

I wanted a happily ever after where good conquers evil and everyone got their just rewards. There were no shades of gray for me. None.

Good was good and bad was bad.

And, well, that was that.

But then my real life happened. The boy who I thought was my Prince Charming left me for my cousin who had been a sister to me. I'd convinced myself that Sam imprinted on Emily and left me for her because Emily was good. When we were growing up, she was ALWAYS the good one. She wasn't moody or judgmental. She knew how to cook and clean. She wasn't showy and was quietly beautiful. And now, though we'd gone through puberty together, between the two of us, she could do one of the most elemental female things - she could have babies. Lots and lots of them if she wanted.

So, in my mind, since Emily was good, she got everything I'd ever wanted as her reward. Therefore, I must be bad. My punishment for my greed of having the audacity to desire all of these things she so easily claimed was to suffer the fate of all the witches in every fairy story I'd ever read.

Evidence?

Not only did I lose my prince in Sam, I managed to be cursed with the inability to have children. I also had a hand in killing my own father with the news of my werewolf-ness.

Bad things happen to bad people, right? That's what I grew up believing, anyway.

And what could be worse than to still be at the beck and call of your ex-boyfriend while having him be able to actually read every thought in your mind while you're trying to get over him?

Throw that all together and that's a lot of crappy stuff that was happening to me.

When Sam first suggested that I might be magical, I'd imagined being a beautiful witch, or a pixie complete with fairie dust and a wand. Pretty AND powerful, that sure would make up for the sorry excuse of a life I was starting to live. But then, I found myself turned into a ferocious looking, mangy werewolf!

My very first transformation scared the shit out of me. I was alone. All of the guys had another packmate with them when they first went through their initial change. No one knew what was happening to me. And no one told me what to expect. There was no support for me, not like the rest had. I was not just alone, I was frightened. I thought I was going to die. Transforming isn't pain free. At least it wasn't for me. I was never comfortable in my own skin and now I had a new form to contend with. So, yeah, being a werewolf, a dream come true? No. Absolutely not. Nightmare was more like it.

Bitter much?

Hell, yes I was bitter!

And I don't give a damn if you blame me for all the crap that I had to deal with that was of my own making!

The ONLY good thing that was going for me was having supernatural beauty in my human form.

You know, I'd read Beauty and the Beast as a girl. Never had I imagined I'd be playing both roles in one body.

Was it any wonder I had anger management AND commitment issues?

Freakish.

Barren.

Weak.

Unloveable.

It all added up to me being bad... bad to the bone - and all I'd wanted was to be put out of my misery…

... and that's how Embry found me on the night of the vampire fight. I was a mess and couldn't see past my own nose enough to even contemplate turning the lemons life threw me into lemonade.

Funny thing about lemonade and Bella... that's another story that helped send me down the path to this reality .

Anyway, what werewolf, particularly an untutored, abnormal female like me, wouldn't grapple with extreme mood swings?

At the time, Embry had anger issues of his own, too, and because he, to some extent, experienced this all first hand, Embry accepted this broken, bitter version of myself that I'd further amplified among the pack.

Bitchy.

Moody.

Doesn't give a rat's ass about anything or anyone besides herself.

Leah Clearwater.

Hell, if everything in my life was so awful and everyone already thought I was bad, why not be bad, full-tilt?!

And it was this badass, devil-may-care part of me that Embry was initially attracted to. The push and pull between us always had an undercurrent of that. Embry, himself, was a badass in his own right. Just take a look at all that stuff on his fakey MySpace page. Well, yeah, he finally got smart and took that down.

But still... I remember.

Nevertheless, I know Embry was intrigued by me because I gave as good as I got. And he sure did pack some powerful punches.

It was only when Embry started being nice and good to me that I didn't know what to do! Talk about being at a loss!

Each time he was good to me, showed me that he loved me, I inevitably did something to sabotage our ultimate happiness.

After all, how could I share something with him when I didn't feel I possessed it myself?

I hated myself. I utterly despised myself. So, hatred, that's all I knew. I only remembered love as a distant feeling that lived in my memories, a feeling that could devastate with only a few spoken words.

I knew because I'd had those words spoken to me:

I don't want you anymore, Leah.

Leah, I've imprinted.

I'm sorry, Leah, your father is dead.

So, with my mom mourning for my dad and me trying to watch over Seth so he wouldn't turn into some leech-loving freak, I didn't have any more love to give away.

As soon as I felt Embry's comforting arms around me that night, the long buried storybook princess in me wanted to dub him my hero, my new Prince Charming. As soon as I met his mom, I wanted to claim Chenoa as my fairy godmother, have her sprinkle gold dust on the both of us and wave her magic wand to grant me the wish of a picture perfect wedding.

But beyond the dreamy wedding day and forever-after kiss, I couldn't bring myself to clearly see how Embry and I could live our happily ever after together.

And that's what scared me shitless.

The paralyzing fear at being unable to see a future with Embry was part of the reason I'd kept him at an arms length away for all this time.

For as sweet as Embry became, I knew deep down in my heart, I wasn't ready for him then. I couldn't love him. Something bad would happen if I let myself. So, I made it my mission to keep him from loving me.

All previous evidence pointed to a bad ending. After all, if I'm bad, nothing good was going to come of being in a relationship with Embry.

There was also still the issue of his lack of imprint. Since Sam's imprinting was the one single defining moment of my life at the time, Embry's non-imprint status was also a huge issue that kept me from deepening my relationship with him. I felt if I'd fully embraced Embry in my life, the foreboding feeling of something bad happening was sure to fester and eventually stagnate whatever love that we had between us.

This niggling fear still exists, now, and I beat it back as best as I can whenever I see him. Because now, I know we do have choice, to some extent.

While I know it's a shitty thing to do, this is why I always ask him if he's imprinted. He hates it. I hate myself for doing it... but one day, he might say he has imprinted and damn straight, I want to know right away, so I can try to do something about it.

I don't know exactly what I'd do, but I want to be proactive about it - not like the way I was when Sam imprinted. I don't want to be like that whiny, weakling if Embry should ever imprint.

No, not ever again.

And then, of course, there was Stefan who made me find this new strength.

You see, I was so worried about Embry leaving me that I didn't even consider my own ability to imprint. After all, I thought I was sterile! What self-preserving male werewolf would imprint on me?!

To my surprise, Stefan was my imprint.

And with him there was no previous history.

No judgement.

I didn't have to be the messed-up, badass Leah of LaPush with him.

I could indulge my inner fairytale princess because, after all, he was the consummate Prince Charming. He came bearing gifts of good news and he definitely knew how to slay my dragons.

He might not have ridden in on a white steed, but he did one better. He gave me information that made me believe in my goodness again.

Not freakish, but unique. Stefan told me of a place and time when female werewolves were treated well, were coveted and precious to their packs. Not abnormal, but necessary. A treasure to the werewolf males of the pack.

Not Barren. Through Stefan, I suddenly discovered I had the power to determine the genetic destiny of my pack. Not only could I have babies, but my body was specifically designed to carry very, very powerful babies that would strengthen my pack, increasing our ability to protect all that we hold dear.

Not unloveable, but desired. By Stefan's count, at least four of the strongest males of my acquaintance all wanted me and, yes, each loved me to some degree.

Not weak and selfish, but strong and selfless. My acceptance and claiming of my alpha female duty offered me a way to protect something that I'd always secretly wanted to claim as mine, but felt too powerless to do so. Though I couldn't be the alpha female at Sam's or Jake's side, I could rightfully toy with the idea of perhaps starting my own powerful pack with Stefan… and now without him, in my most fervent hopes, I know I can bring strength to our LaPush pack with Embry.

So, when I looked at myself through Stefan's eyes, I caught glimpses of the woman he saw in me. When he allowed me see the Elisheva of his memories, he said then that I, too, had the potential to be as powerful as her… the power to not just choose my future, but to have the ultimate power to write my own destiny unhindered by the hand of fate.

And that's when I'd decided to ignore Chenoa and prematurely claim Embry for myself. I was forging my own future and I'd been more than happy with him, but I do have to admit that I didn't feel complete, but rather unfulfilled in the other aspects of my life. And right as I was on the brink of capturing success in my human endeavors, I'd miscarried Embry's child.

With this loss, the Leah of LaPush, who had been fading in the glow of my friendship with Stefan came roaring back full-force.

In that hospital bed, in Stefan's arms I believed I wasn't good enough to have Embry. I wasn't good enough, as evidenced by my inability to carry his baby to term. So, that's why I kept Embry away for two years. That's why I didn't send Stefan to get him right away.

I'd failed Embry terribly.

I was bad.

I didn't deserve him.

But I selfishly held onto Stefan because he was my imprint after all. He was meant for me, and I gratefully fell into the hands of Fate again.

But Stefan wouldn't let me play the helpless victim. He was the only one who thought different. I needed him to help me find myself again, but not just that, he got me to stand on my own two feet. Though I at first clutched onto him like a drowning person grasps a life-saver, he made me kick for the shore as soon as I found the strength to do so. A lifesaver, that's what Stefan was for me. His friendship and, yes love, helped me keep my head above water. His friendship and the love he offered me while reminding me of the prize of Embry at the end of this all kept me from floating adrift during one of the darkest points of my life. Stefan kept me breathing though I wanted nothing more than to drown in my sorrows over my many losses.

So, call me selfish, but I claimed my Prince Charming in Stefan, even though I knew he wasn't the one of my dreams. It might not have been fair to Embry. But it was what I needed and my prince and I understood our reality. We knew going in, that our happily ever after would be fleeting for us.

I just didn't know the half of it. With his death, I fully understand how much he loved me selflessly. So, if you want to name a martyr in this story, point your finger at Stefan. He's the one who died for my happiness, and he left me holding onto an impossible promise of eternal life in love with the soul of someone else.

I hope he found her. I truly hope he did or will... he did speak a lot of reincarnation.

~ As for me, I'm no Third Wife.

I'm no hero.

And for Taha Aki's sake, I'm no fricken martyr.

Believe me when I say, I'm as selfish as they come. I make no apologies for it.

I have a beautiful baby girl.

We're rich as Croesus, thanks to Stefan.

And I'm finally on the cusp of having the Prince of my dreams.

i just need a little more time to heal and our life together can begin.

No, I'm no martyr. But who the hell cares?

Embry's back in my life.

I sure as hell am as happy as can be.

So, I've decided to reclaim my voice and my story.

I'm going to listen to my first husband. Stefan's never led me astray.

I believe in myself.

And I believe in true love again... in all its many shapes and forms.

I am going to live my happily ever after, with Embry.

Even if it kills me.

So, Feli- , I know you're reading this.... Can I please start going to see my shrink every other day, maybe just 2 times a week? It would make me a better mother to your niece and I promised your brother I'd be the best mother for her I could be.

~ Leah

Author's Note: I'll be filing this one as complete for now. I'll start up Leah's journal again as soon as I have another real story to post. Her next entry may be about her insights on her little brother's life.... Perhaps a sequel that features Seth's story might help explain the 5-year gap between Choices Chapter 40 and the Epilogue. ;) Any bit of encouragement from you, it seems, will keep me spinning tales in this little fanfic LaPush that I've built.

Thanks again for all your support... I'll miss you terribly while I weave the next one!

Besides, I'll be delving into the HP world for a bit because I left some people hanging that I shouldn't have. Thanks so much for reading and making me smile with your notes!