When you lose communication with a friend, or anyone you've had a special connection with during your younger years, two things are bound to happen; either you completely lose them for good, or you reconnect with them, only to figure out that you've missed so much good memories.
When I've decided to move away, and by away, I mean almost 3,000 miles away from New York to California; all I had with me then was the hope that I'd forget the pain of the past and move on. Luckily for the past 4 years, I've done a great job at hiding, and staying away from the "scene". I've met new people, pursued a profession for my passion in film making and graphic design, and was fairly known, despite having to "hide" from most people I used to call friends, cause by some miracle, I haven't come across anyone from that circle.
Today as I was pulling up at my driveway, I saw a car, on a hazard just right in front of my lawn; worried that this might be an intruder, I quickly parked, and picked up the gun under my seat, cocked it and carefully left my car as I walk as quickly as I could to my front door, with my phone ready to dial 911 just in case.
I lived in constant fear of being mugged and killed ever since I left New York; and the memories of me fighting to live after my accident back in that city have given me enough reason to be on guard all the time. I tucked my gun under my arm inside my shoulder bag, ready to pull it out any moment that someone attacks me.
The car just didn't seem familiar to me, this can be anyone—a visitor of my neighbor, for all I know.
I walked as quick as I could, and as I sped up to my door and pulled out my keys, I heard a car door slam close. I trembled as I picked the door keys and struggled to shoot it in the hole, I twisted it, pushed the door open; but just as I was about to run inside my house, a familiar voice called my name.
I paused, and slowly turned, sighing in relief as I figure out that the voice belonged to someone I know so well.
And as I see her smiling back at me, clad in her usual ensemble of ripped jeans, oversized shirt and her ever trusted chuck taylors, I almost cried.
"Emy?" I called her name back at her, as I drop my things and run to her to give her a hug.
"I can't believe I found you." Emy said, her voice breaking as mine did when I answered back.
"I can't believe you're here."
4 years. 4 damn years, and the feeling was still there.
Emy pulled away, her eyes red, and her face drenched in tears.
"Look at you, oh my God." Emy said, as she held my face, surveying it.
"you finally grew your hair." I said, chuckling as I wipe my tears dry.
"yeah!" Emy laughed; recalling how she hated how her hair grows too quickly.
"Oh, jeez, I'm so sorry!" I flinched, recalling that a proper way to welcome a guest is by letting them inside your house. "come on in!" I said as I gather my things.
"And excuse me while I kill this first." I said, reaching out for my gun as I kick the door closed.
"Woah!" Emy said, almost jumping back and throwing her hands up.
I de-cocked the gun and pulled the magazine out for safety.
"why the hell do you have that with you?!" Emy asked, relaxing as she sit on my couch.
"Long story." I said, throwing my things aside on the couch before sitting beside her.
I offered Emy drinks, and after catching up over a few bottles of beer, Emy finally admitted the real reason she was here. She told me she would be retiring from a job she had with one of our closest friends from years back- Tegan and Sara. I was surprised to hear from her after all these years, only to find out that she couldn't find anyone else fit for the job- and I thought she really missed me. IF it wasn't for call of duty she wouldn't have wasted her time trying to find me from hiding from everyone else for that long. I kept myself isolated, but I have a very good reason- I know they were mad for not hearing from me for so long, and I would understand, cause after all the help they reached out to me, I refused it all.
Emy also confessed that they felt a little upset that I had to hide like I did, and they thought that I have moved on with my life without them. But upon hearing from our common friends how much I've been through just to get to where I am now to function again normally in life, they had to put all their doubts aside.
"Sara, by some unexpected event, came across your work under your alias, and when we did further research, we found out it was you we've been considering to take the job this whole time. Sara thought it would be a good way to also reconnect with you, and… here I am."
This was a no brainer—I would have said yes the minute she offered it to me; and the moment I said yes, Emy was unstoppable- she gave me "the book", her template and plans for the art, access cards, a cellphone, my ticket and cash. Before she left, she even introduced me to Stacy- Sara's girlfriend who happened to be working for them too, who drove her here; but told me not to tell Sara about meeting her as they were not in good terms. Despite being a little thrown back by it, I just brushed it off.
And now, I'm on this plane ride to New York to finally meet them again for the first time in 4 years.
All this nervousness from seeing them again is stressing me out, and the plane ride alone was physically exhausting- not to mention that Emy didn't fly in with me cause she need to stay in California to finish some freelance work- she'll turn over in a few days, so I'm really feeling a little nervous to do this on my own.
As the plane land in LAX, I felt an unusual jolt in my gut, I wanted to back out, I wanted to go on the next flight out to Sta. Barbara and just not do it- I'm not ready. But whenever I remember how much Emy went through just to find me, I can see that this is definitely worth giving the chance.
By the time I stood to get out of the plane, I could not express how happy I was to finally stretch my legs- I swear to God I almost tore up from joy. I immediately texted Emy when I got out and told her I landed safely as I make my way to get my luggage.
Upon sorting my suitcases on the trolley, I got a call from an unknown number from the business phone Emy left for me; I answered it right away, not knowing what to say to the person on the other line, but I feel like I really need tot alk to someone cause I don't know where I should go from here.
"Hello?"
"Jo?"
"Yeah this is she.. " I said, sounding a little dumbfounded.
"Oh my God, I can't believe I'm talking to you again. It's Lindsey!" Her name alone sent me to a cringe spree. I badly missed them- all of them.
"hi Linds! I just landed, where are you?" I sounded a little too awkward trying to hide me excitement- I could cry.
"Oh good! we were expecting you, I'm here right outside, my car's on a hazzard on the other side of the drop off, I'm with Tegan. Come on out! and make it quick! we have a lot of catching up to do!" I swear I heard her shriek a little before she dropped the call.
I couldn't contain my own excitement, so I just breathed a little, shook my hands and hopped a few steps trying to shake this bitch of a nerve off.
I quickly walked out to the driveway and spotted Lindsey on the driver seat of a red sedan. The light went off and I crossed the pedestrian as quickly as I could, pushing the heavy cart and keeping it from straying my way.
"hi Jo!" Lindsey said, almost screaming as she get out of the car and welcome me. I skipped, leaving my cart at the gutter as I approach Lindsey and gave her a hug.
"Oh my God, I can't believe you're finally here! we missed you so much!" She said.
"Me too, it's so nice to see you again!" I said as I try to keep myself from hugging her to tight- I'm just so happy to see her.
and just when I thought I couldn't get more excited, I saw Tegan get out of the car. Clad in her muscle tee and her wayfarers, she swept her bangs and removed her sunnies, approaching us as I slowly let go of Lindsey.
"you son of a bitch!" She said, throwing herself at me, embracing me.
"You fucker, it's been too long!" I tried to smile from behind her, but I was so happy I couldn't contain my tears.
"I know! I've been too good at hiding!" I said as I let go of Tegan.
"Well I doubt that cause we still found you!" Tegan answered, reaching for one of my suitcases.
"Or you guys are probably just good stalkers, yeah?" Lindsey added, picking up another one.
"Yeah, I'd like think it's the latter!" I said, helping them load my tings on the trunk.
"Welcome back to New York." Tegan said, before closing the trunk and throwing an arm over my shoulder, as we get into the car.
The drive around NYC was quite a ride, I'm glad Tegan just won't shut up as it takes my mind away all the bad memories, while Lindsey was busy stirring the wheel. I haven't visited for as long as I could remember and I felt like a complete stranger to a city I used to be so familiar with. From LaGuardia, we headed upper west to Sara and Stacy's apartment; we used to be neighbors back at the Pavillion, but I guess she had to move in with her this time.
The 3 of us went to the nearby restaurant for tea and light dinner while waiting for Sara. We spent a couple more hours at the coffee shop just catching up and discussing work, until I finally remembered to call Emy, plus I've been itching for a smoke, so I excused myself from them and went outside to make the phone call and do a bit of puffing.
It's a shame that while Tegan and LB has finally stopped the habit, I'm still stuck with the nicotine rush, I felt a little embarrassed but unlike Emy, Tegan is totally just cool with it; I hope Sara is too. Emy's phone just kept on ringing until I got to her voicemail, but I dropped the call and tried again, STILL getting her voicemail. My 3rd attempt went straight to voicemail again, so I just gave in.
"..leave a message after the.. *beep*"
"wow how original. I'm with Tegan and Lindsey, they fetched me at LAG and we're just waiting for Sara. call me."
Just when I sent the message, a cab pulled over just in front of the driveway; and unexpectedly, Sara came out of the car. I quickly killed my cigarette and ran over to her.
"Jo! Oh my gosh!" Sara said as she walk towards me, greeting me with an embrace.
Whatever happened to you?!" Sara asked as she survey me as we sit with Lindsey and Tegan inside. I shrugged.
"I don't know, I guess working too hard got the best of me" I said.
Sara chuckled but shook her head. "no, what I mean is, look at you!" I was surprised of her reaction.
"why?" I asked. Sara slightly scratched her lip; a very familiar mannerism that she does whenever she couldn't find words to say; I was thinking along the lines of 'gosh, I dont know how to say this but you look awful but I dont want to offend you or you'll fuck up our album art and our book'
"you look good Jo." she said with a soft smile, and rubbed my back.
"well, now we all know that rehab actually works!" I said, in an awkward but somewhat proud stance. The 3 of them were just quiet, trying not to say anything that might offend me on this sensitive issue.
"come on guys, it's not like I'm gonna gun you down for laughing with me at my mistakes. I'm not a criminal, why the long faces?" I asked trying to break the ice.
Tegan cleared her throat. "well, we're just glad you're okay. That was a really bad time. not hearing from you for that long." she said. Tegan bowed her head and smiled to herself awkwardly.
"we thought we completely lost you." Sara added recalling what had happened 4 years ago.
I scoffed; "come on, we all get one too many sometimes." I said laughing, But they don't seem to find that joke funny.
"anyway" Sara swept her bangs. "shall we go up now?" she said gathering her back and phone. Lindsey and Tegan stood to pay the bill, while Sara led me outside.
We arrived at Sara's apartment, where we also took my luggage in; so this probably means that I'm staying at Sara's for the mean time. Sara led me to a small guest's room where there's a bed, a laptop, and another blackberry waiting for me.
"so, this is your bedroom while you're in New York, sad enough for you, you'll be staying with boring ol me, so.."
I scoffed and said, "you're still holding on to that?! it's been almost a decade!" Sara smiled
"I'm just kidding" she said, tapping my shoulder. Tegan came in as well bringing a bottle of champagne.
"you guys up for a small drink?" I sat on the bed and said "nah, I'm gonna pass."
Tegan waved, "ahh that's okay, go to bed now I'll wake you up in 4 hours."
Sara made face and said "she's not gonna let you pass believe me."
Tegan winked and left the room. Sara smiled and closed the door, but frowned as soon as she sat beside me, letting out a deep sigh. They haven't changed a bit- she's still as exhausted as she would have been from Tegan's little antics from the last time I was with them- seems only like yesterday.
"so.. it's kinda small. but you know.. it's comfy. I used to stay here when I wanna be alone. the window's got a great view of the city and the streets so.. " Sara said as she survey the room.
I stood and faced the window; "yeah it does look great. Thank you for letting me crash in."
Sara stood beside me. "don't mention it. This is going to be your home for the mean time.. so enjoy the books, the food, the wine and.. the company." Sara said, as I turn to her, catching her glance as she watch me look around.
There's just so many things I wanna talk to her about, I missed her and Tegan terribly and I couldn't express it well especially when their girlfriends are around; we've tried to avoid issues like that since Sara and Emy broke up, and we never got the chance to see or even talk to eachother. I practically avoided her and this was the first time we ever talked after I cut communications with them.
"I missed you." I blurted out.
Sara frowned. "you avoided me for 3 years, how can you not miss me?" I gave a short laugh of guilt
"yeah… well, I know you understand.. so.. I'm not gonna explain myself." I said as I turned to the door "..and with that I changed my mind about the champagne"
I left the room, leaving her there, and I can tell even without having to look back, that Sara's giving me this awful stare of disbelief; maybe of guilt or annoyance, I'll never know.
I joined Tegan, Lindsey and Jack (who just arrived), at the balcony, while Sara followed. I sat in between Tegan and Jack, and without any empty seats at the wooden couch, Sara sat in a high wooden stool across the coffee table, right in front of me. She was staring at me the whole time, until she emptied her glass, and gave it to Tegan for a refill.
"I told you she's not gonna let you pass" she said.
Tegan and I looked at eachother; she gave me a smile and I gave her an awkward grin as she pour me a glass.
"you guys okay?" Asked Tegan, looking at me and Sara.
Sara looked at her in surprise and smiled "yes, why, is there something wrong?" she asked.
Tegan smiled and shook her head, and then turned to Lindsey. I looked away from Sara, drank my champagne to the last drop and took out my personal phone and answered some messages.
After a few glasses I decided to go to Sara's couch to take a breather, but it only took me a minute to slip away to dreamland. I was knocked out, not expecting to actually sleep through, til 3 in the morning. As my sleep got interrupted, I decided to get up and go to the guest room, before realizing I was all cozied up in a blanket and a fluffy pillow; though last thing I could remember was passing out, barely even leaning on the armrest. I looked around, before getting up, and as I loosen up myself from the blanket, I noticed Sara on the other couch across the living room, dozed off, with her computer turned on, still resting on her lap.
I stood slowly, trying not to wake her up, but as soon as I dropped the blanket on the couch, Sara jerked, and finally woke up.
"I'm sorry, were you waiting on me?" I asked, as Sara look up at me and remove her laptop.
"Yeah, I didn't want to leave you here." Sara then closed her computer and placed it on the coffee table.
"uhm, tegan and Lindsey slept in your bed; I mean we were trying to wake you up but you were too deep in your sleep." Sara said, as she pick up the blanket and pillow I used.
"we can sleep in my room if you want?" she offered, carrying the pillow and blanket with her.
"oh, no… it's okay, I'm fine in the living room." I said, trying hard not to come off weirded out, despite this being an awkward conversation.
"Are you sure?" She asked.
"Yeah, I'm fine here." I said, reassuring her.
"alright… goodnight? I'll see you in the morning.. oh and if you're hungry there's food in the kitchen, you can have anything you want in there." Sara said, putting the blanket and pillow down on the couch again.
"Okay… thank you.. goodnight!" I said, before Sara smiled back and walked to her room.
As Sara got in her room, I tried to get into the guest room to get one of my suitcases so I can change into my jammies, but the door was locked; so I had to follow Sara to her room.
I knocked, and Sara immediately answered to the door.
"hey." I greeted as she got to the door.
"Uhm… The guestroom is locked, and I'd like to change into something and brush my teeth but my stuff is inside, so…"
Sara chuckled. "oh no…" She shook her head.
"what's wrong?" I asked.
"you better change your sheets tomorrow." She said as she open her door wide. "come on in, I'll get you some clothes." I got in, as Sara opened her closet..
It didn't hit me until I sat on Sara's bed, that she meant Tegan and Lindsey is having sex in my bed.
"Oh my God." I said, palming my face.
Sara chuckled still, as she pick out some clothes; but I noticed how she frowned as she pull out the clothes she'd lend me.
"here…" Sara handed me a pair of silk rompers. "that's Stacy's, that'll fit you."
I didn't realize I was her size, maybe because she was a lot taller than me. I'd contest, but I remember being advised not to tell Sara that I saw her yesterday, so I just took it from her without a word.
"Are you okay?" I asked Sara, as she sit on the bed after I took the romper from her.
"yeah! I'm okay… I'm okay… I just… I just remembered something..." Sara excused. "there's extra towel in the linen closet in the living room and extra toothbrush in the bathroom, it's in the medicine cabinet.."
"Alright thank you… goodnight Sara…" I said before leaving.
"Goodnight…" Sara said, following me to the door as I closed it behind me.
It was a cold and gloomy tuesday morning; supposedly my favorite weather, and just lying in Sara's couch felt better than staying in that suffocating guestroom, so I was definitely taking time to rest and laze around, until I woke up to a noisy knock on the door.
I got up, and covered my freezing, almost naked body with a blanket as I walk down the door swaying side to side.
"I'll get it!" said tegan as she tapped my shoulders from behind racing me to the door.
"You may want to sleep in your room, you can't sleep in the couch looking like that with the plumber around." She added before getting the door.
"Oh." Shit, Tegan's right, I can't walk around Sara's apartment in her girlfriend's lingerie with an unknown man working on their pipes.
As I walked back to the couch to get my phone, Sara walked out of her room, her hair still wet, all dressed up;
"goodmorning" Sara said, looking so much better than I left her last night.
"goodmorning" I said, greeting her back as I close the gaps of the blanket over my body.
"I'm going to the coffee shop to pick up some grounds, you wanna come with?" she asked.
"I'm gonna have to pass, it takes forever for me to get made up. I said, clutching the blanket on me tighter.
"alright, but if you wanna walk around downtown, just ring me up. I'll be back in an hour" she said before heading to the door.
"I will, take care!" I said, before Sara waved and left the apartment.
Leaving me and Tegan in the apartment, I decided to get changed and help her out in the kitchen to prepare breakfast.
I took to the kitchen right after I was done, and joined her;
"sorry if we took your bed last night" Said Tegan as I sit on the bar stool while She's preparing salad.
"that's ok, I was doing fine in the couch anyway" Tegan smiled and gave me a glance.
"so where's Lindsey?" I asked her.
"photoshoot. as usual." she said as she continue tossing the salad.
"There's a hole on the tube here, it looks like a gunshot of some sort" Said the plumber from inside the bathroom.
Tegan and I looked at eachother upon hearing this;
"a gunshot?" I whispered. Tegan just jerked her shoulders. She then wiped her hands and went to the bathroom to check it. In my curiosity, I follwed her in; The plumber is kneeling in front of the sink looking at the broken drain pipe. Tegan then knelt and looked at it too.
"where the fuck did that come from?" she asked; I took a peek, and it does look like a gunshot from that far.
"can I see?" I asked. Tegan then stood and moved away, as I knelt down and traced the outlines of the hole.
"it looks like it was shot from this side." The plumber said, pointing to the bathtub; and judging by the edges of the hole, it seems like he was right.
"is it possible that some suicidal psycho took a bath here and just randomly shot a gun from the tub?" asked Tegan. I shook my head and smiled in disbelief.
"Possibly, but then again who would do that? when did you notice this anyway?" I asked.
Tegan crossed her arms "just this morning. When Sara arrived yesterday, she just flew in from Montreal then. I think she doesn't know about this yet."
I surveyed the bathroom and saw another hole on the wall going towards the streets, just adjacent to the pair of holes on the drain pipe. The plumber put his gloves on and started looking around for other holes, but instead he saw a bullet case.
"It is a fucking a gunshot" he said as he picked the case up and showed it to us.