Some memories are best to be forgotten, buried, stored places they'll never be found again. No matter how obtained, you want them gone. Beth found that solace easily, at the bottom of a whiskey bottle. Everyone could easily understand her reasoning, but not everyone could relate to the suffering she was troubled with. The innocent blood of Maggie Chen on her hands couldn't be washed away, although if Beth kept telling herself that Maggie wasn't as innocent as perceived that the kill was justified. Was it? Take a life to save many. The woman was aiding in killing off the clones, killing her was self defense. Beth was no better, she took someone's life in cold blood.

Before the night was over each moment of that day passed through her mind, along with each swallow of the poison she'd easily welcomed. It numbed the pain, helping distract her long enough to fall asleep to endure another day of hell.

On the outside she was just like everyone else, walking through life. Not a thing looked different from the next guy. That's how depression and traumatic stress work, slowly eating away at what you thought you knew. Twisting everything to weigh you down, pulling your mind and heart in all sorts of unnatural directions.

Only two weeks had passed since the incident, and hell had consumed her from the second her finger pulled the trigger. Each moment since then Beth contemplated the worse, to release herself from this hell. Just one action is all it would take, it wouldn't have an effect on anyone she knew either.

Paul hadn't been around much, not that he was desired. Every two seconds he would be on her back over something irrelevant until she pushed him away, increasing anger and anxieties. He was one of the reasons she would get high lately, to forget about all of the chaos he created, but she was more addicted to him than anything. He kept her grounded, unlike anyone else, even her partner Art didn't come close.

As long as the pain was well hidden, no one could see it, see the damage it had caused her, how self destructing it was.

For the first time since the shooting, Beth was willingly leaving the house on her own. And she was out of alcohol. Casually dressed, she headed to the nearest store, stocking up on enough to kill a liver. The door had barely shut as she carried the bottles in from her car, she heard it open and close. Without looking, Beth prepared herself for Paul's worst.

"Why the fuck are you here?" He was the last thing she needed.

"Beth, I needed to see that you were okay."

Shit. The voice wasn't Paul's, it was Alison's.

"I'm fine. You shouldn't be here, what if Paul comes back?"

"I don't care about Paul. I'm here for you. Cosima said you haven't been talking to her or anyone else since it happened, and we're concerned."

"I've talked to you."

"Just me?" Worry turned to flattery, it's amazing how quickly emotions can change.

"Yeah. Look, now's not a good time."

"Why?" Alison kept approaching her until having her cornered in the kitchen. Idly Beth kept opening the cupboards, trying to think of an answer. "Beth."

"Ali.." Every emotion that was running through her showed on her face, like an open book. Not knowing what else to do, Alison boldly backed Beth against the counter, giving her nowhere else to run. Lips pressed against Beth's forehead, followed by a voice.

"Don't cut me out of your life like this-"

"This is hard as hell on me.."

"-Beth, no. Stop pushing everyone that loves you away. It's just as hard on the rest of us." Grabbing her eyes, Beth tried to force the tears away. Alison pulled Beth's head to her shoulder, fingers winding through her hair comfortingly.

"We'll get through this, sweetie."

Beth was crying, but felt safe. For once, opening up didn't shame her. It wasn't embarrassing. "Paul and I keep fighting." She admitted quietly.

"Because of the PTSD?"

"I don't think it's that, even before the shooting we would argue and fight."

"Fight? Does he hit you?" Nodding, Beth kept her head buried into Alison's body. "How come you've never told me about this?"

"I didn't want you to worry about me. I'm a cop for Christs sake, I should be able to hold myself."

Sighing, Alison had to take a moment before commenting. She didn't want to upset a fragile Beth anymore than she already was.

"I wish I had known."

"Wouldn't have made a difference."

"Yes it would have, I could've been there for you." Alison lifted Beth's head until they faces each other, her hands stroking the sobbed on cheeks. "You're safe now, Paul's not going to ever lay a finger on you again."

Beth showed a weak smile, before sinking herself back into Alison's arms.

"You know I'm not into hugs."

"Could have fool me, Elizabeth."