The Miller's Tale: Buffy Style

Author's Note: Absolute crack, I warn you. I wrote this as a fun way to study. Chaucer's The Miller's Tale with Buffy characters

Disclaimer: I do not own Buffy the Vampire Slayer or any works by Chaucer

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There was once a stupid, older man named Riley. He was a carpenter by trade and also rented rooms in his house to students and the like. He had two servants, Xander and Willow. He was married to the most beautiful girl in the village, Buffy.

One of Riley's boarders was a student by the name of Angel. He was very interested in astronomy – if any of the villagers needed to know whether there would be a drought or a flood, or whether the weather would be fine, he was the man they came to.

Sadly although Angel professed to have much respect for his landlord (as if), he had a roving eye and that eye had focused itself on the delectable Buffy.

When Riley had gone out to do some work Angel approached his wife, touching her below the belt and thus giving her a right start. She slapped him. He, looking much wounded, told her that if she did not return his affections he would surely perish and then he touched her again.

After this went on for about an hour Buffy finally gave in. However she stipulated that she would only lie with him if he was able to get her husband out of the way for long enough. Angel scoffed at this, saying that if a student such as himself couldn't outwit a dimwit carpenter like Riley the world was surely about to end.

Now there appears another figure in the tale: Spike, the parish clerk. He took great care in his appearance, trying to establish himself as the caricature of the perfect lover. He, like Angel, had a roving eye and, at one of the congregations, he saw Buffy and fell deeply in love with her.

Gathering up his courage (while simultaneously fixing his appearance), he approached her window in the dead of night and sang of his great love underneath it for the entire world to hear.

Buffy and her husband Riley were abed but were awakened by the crooning of this unlucky-in-love suitor. Riley was rather surprised to find Spike at their window. Buffy told him to shove off.

Now, at about this time, Angel had perfected a plan. He removed himself to his room, locking himself inside with enough food and ale and telling Buffy to tell her husband that she hadn't seen him for days (around this time Riley had had to go out of town on a job), even when she'd sent Willow to fetch him down to dinner.

When Riley heard of Angel's withdrawal he was worried and immediately confided his fears in his manservant, Xander, saying that Angel had been turned mad through trying to discover PTB's secrets. Riley was incredibly superstitious person and sighted an example of another clerk, Warren, who had tried to glimpse PTB's secrets and had been struck down. He instructed Xander to go and check up on Angel.

Xander was able to glimpse Angel staring morosely at the ceiling using a hole in the door which the cat, Miss Kitty Fantastico, used sometimes to get into the room. He immediately reported back his master the woeful news. Thus Riley went up to try and stir Angel into action, by first trying to perform an exorcism on him.

Angel said morosely that he had glimpsed PTB's plan, that They intended to send a flood that would rival Noah's in its ferocity. He wanted to save himself, Riley and (when Riley showed concern at the safety of his poor wife) Buffy. He told Riley to bring three tubs, fill them with enough food and ale to last at least twenty four hours and string them up on the ceiling. The tubs were to be kept separately and none of the inhabitants were to sleep with each other as this would be a sin.

Riley, fearful, spoke to Buffy about this and she, knowing more fully of the plan, urged him to follow Angel's 'wise' advice. And so he prepared for the coming flood. He also sent Xander and Willow on errands that sent them far from Sunnydale.

Eventually everything was in place and it was time to enter the tubs. Angel reminded him of the fact that he and Buffy could not share a tub. Riley, although he tried to stay awake, was unable to and eventually drifted off.

Angel and Buffy were finally able to be together. They took full advantage of the fact.

Meanwhile Spike had noticed that Riley seemed to have disappeared. Although he tried to suppress his excitement at his sudden stroke of luck and asked one of his fellow parish clerks, Giles, whether he knew the whereabouts of the dumb carpenter. Giles blinked, still a bit drunk, and slurred out that he believed Riley was on some job in L.A. Either that or he was at home. Then he stumbled away to his nice comfy bed.

Spike could no longer contain himself. He decided he would go to Buffy and ask for a kiss. That was all he needed at the moment, just one kiss. So he got all doled up and went to her bedroom window.

"Oh, sweet Buffy," he said, sighing what he believed was a rather attractive sigh, "Grant me just one kiss and I will die a happy man."

Buffy and Angel rolled their eyes. They didn't like being interrupted in their little rendezvous. An idea struck Buffy then and she got out of bed, sniggering. Trying to contain her laughter she called to Spike and asked that if she did indeed grant him a kiss he would immediately leave. Spike, believing he'd finally won her over, agreed readily.

So she stuck her ass out the window and he kissed it quite readily. Then he realised what he'd just kissed and, disgusted with himself, pushed away. She chortled, "Tee hee," and went back to bed.

Spike's lust for Buffy had extinguished itself and now he was out for revenge. Thus he went to visit an old friend, the blacksmith Clem. The flabby demon wasn't particularly surprised to see him, making snide remarks about Spike's partiality to the ladies. Spike merely smiled rather queasily (probably from the memory of what he'd just kissed) and asked for the rather sharp, hot poker he saw lying in the corner. Clem, although perplexed as to what his friend would need it for, gladly gave it to him.

Thus Spike returned, his plan of attack ready. He asked Buffy for another kiss, getting the poker reading. Angel, who had just been getting up to go to the toilet, thought he'd have a bit of fun. Thus it was his ass that was stuck out the window and his ass which felt the burn of the hot poker.

Angel yelled to high heaven and shouted, screamed for water.

At the cry of '"Water! Water!" Riley awoke and, believing the flood had finally arrived, and tried stand up, forgetting he was in the tub. He fell out of it and onto the floor, breaking his arm in the process. His cries of pain, as well as Angel's cries for water, woke the neighbours who quickly came running.

Remarkably quick on their feet, Buffy and Angel convinced them that Riley was mad and, believing that Noah's flood was coming again, had tied three tubs to the ceiling. The neighbours couldn't help but laugh themselves sick.

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Well, I did warn you :)

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