Nicholas Cage to the Universe Definitive Edition.
By: John Thomas Miele
As he opened his eyes, Nicholas Cage found himself in some weird fucking time capsule. "What the fuck!?" he said getting turnt, "Where am I? What is this?" "Hold on," said a mysterious figure, "I'll let you out." The mysterious figure cartwheeled over to the capsule and Falcon Punched the eject button. Nicholas shot out of the capsule at 13,258 miles per hour and smashed into a wall.
He died instantly leaving blood, organs, ass, and shit splattered all over the damn place.
The End...Just Kidding! With the power of Satanism Rituals, the mysterious figure revived Nicholas Cage. "Ehhccckk!" said Nicholas Cage coughing up a copious amount of seahorses, "Who are you?" The mysterious figure casually meandered from the shadows and said, "JOHN CENA!*John Cena Theme.*" Nicholas Cage stood up and brushed off the ashes of MIchael Jackson. "Gee wiligers I'm pretty parched." he said jerking his throat, "Where can a mediocre actor like me get a drink?"
All of a sudden, something came crashing through the wall with the force of 6,192 sunburned penises. It was Pepsi Man! "Bssshhaaaaa!" he said as he filled everyone's hands full of Pepsi. "Thanks metallic dildo!" Nicholas said as he chugged down some, sweet, refreshing, Pepsi.
"Alrighty then," said JOHN CENA!*John Cena Theme.* "let's head back to Da Base where we can work and plan and shit."
JOHN CENA!*John Cena Theme* pressed a button on his WWE Championship Utility Belt and him, Nicholas Cage, and Pepsi Man all teleported to Da Base. They teleported so HARD that they caused an earthquake in Madagascar. When they got to Da Base Nicholas (not Johnny) Cage looked around, observing Da Base. "I designed it myself," said JOHN CENA!*John Cena Theme,* "does it tickle your pickle?" "Does it tickle my pickle?" said Nicholas Cage, "It looks like a fallout shelter and smells like a yeasty vagina…
I FUCKING LOVE IT!"
"Kool." said JOHN CENA!*John Cena Theme* as he picked up Nicholas and threw him into the Planning Room. "Nicholas you're here," said a man sitting at the end of the Planning Table, "we got a shit ton of INTENSE planning to do." Nicholas looked up and saw Shia Labeouf sitting at the table. "Holy SHIT!" said Nicholas Cage as he backflipped onto his feet, "You're Louis from The Even Stevens!"
"Yup," Shia Labeouf replied with the voice of an infant caribou,
"the one and only." "Okay." said JOHN CENA!*John Cena Theme,* "Let's get down to business, to defeat, the Huns!" "Hold on BITCHES, what's going on here?" Nicholas asked, "Why was I in some weird capsule and what do you fuckers want with me?" "Hear me out, okay?" said JOHN CENA!*John Cena Theme,* "You are The Man, which means only YOU have the power to stop the Vampire Cyborgs and bring peace to the universe. When the Vampire Cyborgs found you in your coma, they put you in that capsule to to send you to the Feasting Chamber. Luckily we saved you before that could happen."
"What?" Nicholas said because he was masterbating to Hamburger Porn and was not paying attention. JOHN CENA!*John Cena Theme* sighed and said, "Oh nothing, you'll learn soon." Nicholas Cage noticed a phone in the center of the table and pointed at it, "Can I use dat?" "Sure thing, you sexy son of a FUCK!" Shia Labeouf replied.
Nicholas walked over to the phone and called up Marie.
"Hello?"
"Hey babe."
"Nicholas?"
"That's right baby."
"What happened? Where are you?"
"Apparently I have to save the universe."
"W-what!?"
"So before I possibly die at the end of this story you wanna meet up somewhere and do it in the ASS!?"
Marie sighed and said, "Nicholas… I-I-I can't love you anymore! I've fallen in love with someone else…
AND HIS NAME IS JOHN CENA!*John Cena Theme.*"
"YOU FUCKING SLUT!" Nicholas said shaking his vigorous jazz hands, "How could you do this to me!?" "Well you've been gone for 4 and a half years!" Marie replied with a sassy tone in her voice, "What do you want me to do?" "Be Loyal!" Nicholas yelled with an iron liver. Nicholas hung up the phone and stood majestically on the table.
"Listen up boys!" Nicholas said deepthroating an Olympic Gold Medal, "By the time this story is over you will ALL have your anuses penetrated by my FLAMING ANGEL, and by FLAMING ANGEL I mean my penis. Anywho, where's the HQ of these Vampire Cyborgs?" "Bssshhhhaaaaaa!" Pepsi Man said squirting Pepsi out of his silver dollar nipples. Nicholas swan dived off the table and said, "Awesome! Let's go!" "Nigga you crazy," warned JOHN CENA!*John Cena Theme,* "I ain't going anywhere near that shit!" "He's right," Shia agreed, "that place is a goddamn fortress. There's no way you can get in or out of that place without getting killed and raped."
"Shut the FUCK up Shia!" Nicholas yelled with determination in his loins, "You delicious assholes brought me back because I'm the only one who can stop these 'Vampire Cyborgs.' And I WILL stop them! Now are you with me or against me!?" "Yes!" JOHN CENA!*John Cena Theme* and Shia Labeouf said simultaneously. "Bssshhaaa!" Pepsi Man said spurting Pepsi out of his LONG, HARD, DICK HOLE!
"That didn't really answer my question," Nicholas said, "but I love the enthusiasm!" Let's go!" JOHN CENA!*John Cena Theme,* Shia Labeouf, and Pepsi Man ran out the door while Nicholas Cage walked up the wall, crashed through the ceiling, and phased through the table. JOHN CENA!*John Cena Theme* sighed and said, "That's not the right way. Follow me." JOHN CENA!*John Cena Theme* escorted Nicholas Cage, Shia Labeouf, and Pepsi Man to the Hanger Deck and said, "This will get us there!" "Oh FUCK YEAH!" Nicholas said.
The four bastards all boarded a space shuttle wearing a bikini and leg warmers. "Let's launch this bitch." Nicholas said while simultaneously pelvic thrusting with his FLAMING ANGEL flapping all over the place. JOHN CENA!*John Cena Theme* activated the launch sequence and started the countdown.
"10 seconds till lift off, 9,8,7-"
"BLAST OFF!"
Nicholas mashed the launch button.
The four stooges were shot into space with the power of SCIENCEY SHIT. It was such a rapturous, vigorous feeling that they all started masterbating… ferociously… to each other. The space shuttle wearing a bikini and leg warmers travelled far and wide. Past Planet Buttcholon, across the Semen Stars, and into the Mangina Galaxy. They ventured DEEP into space until they found a GIANT Space Base. "Is that it?" Nicholas asked ejaculating custard out of his legs and into one of the escape pods. "Yes it is my sexy purple walnut." Shia replied as he gave Pepsi Man a lapdance while simultaneously shitting all over him.
The men flew towards the Space Base when suddenly, the Space Base started firing at them! "What in the FUCKITY FUCK is going on!?" Nicholas asked as he was cheerleading. "Bssshhaaa!" Pepsi Man answered as he was eating his own pussy. "Of all the things to shoot at us, why would they shoot Goat Dicks?" Nicholas said pondering about the orgasmic senseation of childbirth. JOHN CENA!*John Cena Theme* disemboweled Nicholas out of the Cage and told him, "Because vampires are FUCKING GAY!"
The four "astronauts" dodged the Goat Dick with the power of SICK SKILLS and landed the shuttle on the aircraft pad. When they exited the shuttle they were ambushed by Vampire Cyborgs. One of the Vampire Cyborgs walked up to them and said, What da FUCK do y'all niggas think you doin'?" "Move faggot," Nicholas yelled, "we gotta kill yo boss!" "Kill my boss!?" The Vampire Cyborg said pulling out a glock, "Nigga, I'ma bust a cap in ALL y'all fat asses! Kill these motha fucka's!"
The four fuckers fought their way through endless hordes of vampire cyborgs. There was shooting, hacking, slashing, sexting, and overall, it was just a huge mess. Like the PC version of Batman: Arkham Knight on day one of it's release date. Eventually the men made it to the Throne Room where "The Boss" lingers. "We made it!" said JOHN CENA!*John Cena Theme.* "Yes you have…" replied a shadowy figure sitting on the throne, "I'm impressed, you four actually managed to PENETRATE my forces." "It's you!" Shia Labeouf said pointing at The Boss. "Yes it's me," The Boss said stepping out from the shadows, "Alucard!"
The four men blackflipped with surprised looks on their faces. "Bssshhhaaaa!?" Pepsi Man asked as he stroked his pet Man O' War. "Well let me explain." Alucard said, "I was chillin' in my swagtastic mansion with the police girl with big titties, when all of a sudden these cyborgs came out of nowhere and asked me to be their leader. I agreed and turned them all into vampires. Now they do whatever I want, whenever I want. But then you fuckers came here and killed them all! I mean, who the FUCK do you bitches think you are? Coming into MY house, messing with MY stuff, killing MY servants!"
Nicholas posed heroicly and yelled, "I'M NICHOLAS CAGE MOTHER FUCKER! AND I'M AN UNSTOPPABLE FORCE OF NATURE!
Alucard squinted at Nick-Knack Cage and said, "Wait a minute… YOU'RE the Infamous Nicholas Cage!?" Alucard pondered for two weeks and said, Hmmm… Alright Nicholas, I'll make you a deal, but only because you're cool. I'll stop my invasion of the universe IF you have a Dope-Ass Toga Party with me. Drugs, Alcohol, Bitches, Money, and a copious amount of SEX." Alucard put his hand out and asked, "Do we have a deal?" "Ah what the hell, sure." Nicholas said as he orgasmicly shook Alucard's hand. "Awesome!" Alucard said lubricating his asshole, "I can't wait to get started."
Two centuries later, the party is ready, all they need now are the bitches. Alucard called every possible bitch: Juri Han, Yoko, Petra Ral, Beowulf, Every catgirl from Nekopara, Kenshi, EVA, Big Boss, Cory in the House, Pink Guy, Hiediyoshi, Ryuko Matoi, Cloud Strife (in his lady outfit), Tom Hanks, Jesus, Aaron Williamson, Dante, Vergil, Nero, Gutts Berserk, The Incredibles, Metallica, Alex Trebeck, The rotting corpse of Eren Jaeger's Mom, Sans, Savage, The Elrich Brothers, Matt the Radar Technician, Deadpool, Emperor Palpatine, Winston Churchill, Chester the Cheetah, The Kool-Aid Man, Maroon 5, Stone Cold Steve Austin, Samantha Zimmerman, Joseph Stalin's Mustache, Shrek, The Stoner Elf, Amanda Ripley, 21 Pilots, Panic! At The Disco, Jarl Balgruuf, Phineas, Ferb, Christopher Walken, Harry Houdini, Goku, Master Hand, Crazy Hand, Willy Wonka, Orochimaru, Ganondorf, Bayonetta, The Corpses of Noble Team, Scott Sterling, Baraka, Captain Price, Fox McCloud, Krystal, General George S. Patton, MacGruber, Alex Mercer, Filthy Frank, Saitama, Eileen the Crow, Johnny Dangerously, The Wright Brothers, The Mario Brothers, William Shatner, Mark Hamill, The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, Doctor Zed, Spongebob Squarepants, The Colossal Titan, The Opening Theme of Gurren Lagann, King Asgore, Master Chief, The Arbiter, Kevin Conroy Batman, Michael Keaton Batman, Adam West Batman, Christian Bael Batman, Ben Affleck Batman, Joker, Catwoman, Adam Sandler, Little Nicky, Kybeuy, Satan, Leroy Jethro Gibbs, LEROY JENKINS, The 1995 Miami Dolphins, Tyler Durdin, Heejung, The Statue of Liberty, Sailor Moon, Robin Hood, Ninja Sex Party, A Kokujin, A Hakujin, The Teen Titans, Jake the Dog, Finn the Human, Steven Universe, The Crystal Gems, George Washington, Pitbull, Lord Voldemort, Knight Solaire, Raiden (Metal Gear), Raiden (Mortal Kombat), Jim Carrey, Night Raid, Green Day, KISS, My Chemical Romance, Austin Powers, The "Here in my Garage" Guy, Every Character from Gurren Lagann, The Nameless King, The Lords of Cinder, and The Soul of Cinder.
"Damn Alucard," Nicholas said staring at the guest list,
"you know a lot of people." "Ya damn right I know a lot of people!" Alucard replied, "I'll tell you what Nicholas, this Toga Party will be the Shiznay!" Everything was in it's place. The bar was set up, the drugs are everywhere, all ten bands were set up, the cancer was spreading through everyone's bodies, It was perfect. Alucard put on a Toga, walked outside, and confronted his guests.
"Ladies and gentlemen," Alucard said wearing a Sick-Ass Toga, "I am happy to see that everyone made it here in one piece. All of you have journeyed from far, distant lands to be here. And I assume you all came here for a party?" The guests screamed with excitement. "Ofcourse you did!" Alucard said, "Now let's go in and do this shit! Also, make sure you grab a Toga on the way in." Everyone walked inside and put on a Toga. And that was when the real party began. The bands were battling against each other with the Power of Music. My Chemical Romance was playing The Black Parade, Maroon 5 was playing Moves Like Jagger, 21 Pilots were playing Lane Boy, Green Day was playing Welcome to Paradise, Ninja Sex Party was playing their cover of Take on Me, Pitbull was singing Don't Stop The Party, KISS was playing I wanna Rock and Roll all Night, Metallica was playing Jamie's Crying, The Opening Theme of Gurren Lagann was playing The Opening Theme of Gurren Lagann, and Panic! At The Disco was playing I Write Sins not Tragedies. It was a Deca-Band Battle of Legends!
Everyone was enjoying their time at the party. Aaron Williamson grew weed out of his limbs and dick with the Power of Nature. There was an endless supply of weed and everyone was happy. The Stoner Elf was in the corner smoking a can of Spaghettio's. Deadpool was using Yuki Cross as Target Practice and ate chimichangas simultaneously.
Pepsi Man was sitting on the couch with Chocola and Vanilla. "So are you having a good time at the party?" Chocola asked gently caressing his leg. "Bsssshhhhhaaaaaa!" Pepsi Man replied puking sweet, refreshing Pepsi all over Chocola for eighteen consecutive seconds. Chocola wiped the Pepsi from her face and said, "Nyan! That's so cool!"
There were people surrounding the bar. The Lords of Cinder, The Soul of Cinder, and Knight Solaire were enjoying their delicious Estus Flasks. Eileen the Crow overdosed on Blood Vials and died from AIDS, but then was revived by Doctor Zed's Magical Syringe of Healing. Nicholas and JOHN CENA!*John Cena Theme* were also at the bar with Shia Labeouf and Alucard. Alucard wanted to have a drinking contest but Nicholas was a little weary. " I don't know." Nicholas said performing TESTICULAR MANSLAUGHTER on Yuki Cross, "I'm kinda tired after everything that has happened today."
"Nicholas…" Shia said making a weird pose, "DO IT! JUST DO IT! Don't let your dreams be dreams. Yesterday you said tomorrow, so JUST DO IT! MAKE YOUR DREAMS COME TRUE! Just do it! Some people will dream of success, while you're gonna wake up and work hard at it! Nothing is impossible! You should get to the point where anyone else would quit and you're not gonna stop there! No, what are you waiting for!? DO IT! JUST… DO IT! YES YOU CAN! Just do it! If you're tired of starting over, stop giving up."
"You're right!" Nicholas said having a three-way with a banana Chip Skylark, "I have to stay cool." Nicholas walked over to Alucard and valiantly accepted the drinking contest. Nicholas and Alucard chugged down bottles of Gin, Beer, Rum, Vodka, Ale, Mead, Patron, Wine, and a bunch of other alcoholic drinks. They drank so much that their livers exploded all over the bar, covering a bunch of fuckboys with chunks of liver. JOHN CENA!*John Cena Theme* looked at Nicholas and Alucard and said, "Damn guys, back in the game with exploding livers!" "Not bad Nicholas," Alucard said with lust in his eyes, "not bad at all."
Master Hand and Crazy Hand were playing Rock, Paper, Scissors upstairs. Master Hand was winning and Crazy Hand was getting frustrated, so Crazy Hand pulled out his special move: The Finger Gun. When the next round started, Master Hand played a Paper and Crazy Hand played The Finger Gun. It was a great victory for the giant, floating, clinically insane, hand. Even though he completely cheated.
Sans, King Asgore, Saitama, and Alex Mercer were shooting up heroine and discovered how to bake a cake. The 1995 Miami Dolphins forced Adam Sandler to be their water boy. Tyler Durdin started a fight club and Master Chief, The Arbiter, Baraka, Willy Wonka, Raiden (Metal Gear), Raiden (Mortal Kombat), and The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse join it. They all beat each other to death, but the one who made it out alive was Willy Wonka. Scott Sterling was upstairs playing Football (real football) with the Teen Titans. Cyborg kicked the ball through Scott's face and killed him. "Git Gud!" Cyborg said as he teabagged Scott's lifeless body.
After a while the party started to die down a bit. The bands started playing slow songs and some people started slow dancing. Yoko was slow dancing with Kamina, Big Boss was slow dancing with EVA, Yuki was dancing with Yuno, Aaron Williamson (who is now the God of Weed) was slow dancing with the Stoner Elf, Savage was slow dancing with Emperor Palpatine, Tyler and Josh (from 21 Pilots) were slow dancing together, and all of the Batmen were slow dancing with the Joker and Mark Hamill.
Nicholas and Alucard were watching from afar. "This was a sick-ass party Alucard!" Nicholas said snorting string cheese. "Yes, it was." Alucard replied twiddling his thumbs, "Hey… Nicholas." Nicholas looked at Alucard, who quickly stole a smooch with Nicholas. As Alucard slipped his tongue in Nicholas' mouth he intertwined his hand with his. They kissed for 26,851,927 years. "I want you to fuck me in the ass, RIGHT NOW!" Nicholas yelled with his head doing 360 no scopes. "If you insist…" Alucard said grabbing Nicholas' hand and taking him to the upstairs bedroom.
Nicholas and Alucard took each others clothes off while simultaneously kissing. Once all of their clothes were off, Alucard bent Nicholas over and firmly inserted his penis into Nicholas' Anal Cavity.
"Hey Alucard."
"Yeah?"
"Does your cock have a name?"
"Yeah, I call it Cannons."
"Why?"
"Bitches love Cannons!"
"Oh… That makes sense!"
Nicholas felt the warm, moist, succulent embrace of Cannons sliding into his asshole. It was orgasmic how Alucard rapidly thrusted back and forth. Nicholas let out a screech. "Sorry," Alucard said, "I jizzed a little bit. Wait a minute… Why is there a knife in your chest?" Nicholas looked down at his chest and noticed the knife that Marie left in it at the end of the first story. "Oh, that's right." Nicholas said taking the knife out of his chest and throwing it near his clothes, "Some bitch stabbed me in the first story." "Oh, okay." Alucard said continuing to penetrate Nicholas' ASSHOLE!
The ass-fucking went on for generations. When the ass-fucking ended Alucard asked, "So, what did you think?" Nicholas started to sing and dance. The Musical Begins!
(Nicholas gets up off the bed as the music starts.)
Nicholas: It's astounding, Time is fleeting. Madness takes it's toll. But listen closely.
Alucard: Not for very much longer.
Nicholas: I've got to keep control.
(Nicholas and Alucard start dancing together.)
Nicholas: I remember doing the Time Warp! Drinking those moments when, the blackness would hit me!
(Nicholas and Alucard run downstairs.)
Nicholas and Alucard: And the void would be calling!
(Everyone starts singing and dancing.)
Everyone: Let's do the Time Warp again! Let's do the Time Warp again!
(Nicholas points to the left.)
Nicholas: It's just a jump to the left!
(Everyone jumps to the left.)
Everyone: And then a step to the right!
(JOHN CENA!*John Cena Theme* puts his hands on his hips.)
JOHN CENA!*John Cena Theme*: With your hands on your hips!
(Everyone puts their hands on their hips.)
Everyone: You bring your knees in tight! But it's the pelvic thrust, that really drives you insane! Let's do the Time Warp again! Let's do the Time Warp again!
(Marie emerges from the crowd.)
Marie: It's so dreamy. Oh, fantasy free me! So you can't see me? No, not at all. In another dimension, with voyeuristic intention. Well secluded, I see all.
Nicholas: With a bit of a mind flip.
Marie: You're into the time slip.
Nicholas: And nothing can ever be the same.
Marie: You're spaced out on sensation.
Nicholas: Like you're under sedation.
Everyone: Let's do the Time Warp again! Let's do the Time Warp again!
(Blair emerges from the crowd.)
Blair: Well I was walking down the street, just a having a think. When a snake of a guy gave me an evil wink. He shook-a-me up, he took me by surprise. He had a pickup truck and the devil's eyes. He stared at me and I felt a change. Time meant nothing, never would again.
Everyone: Let's do the Time Warp again! Let's do the Time Warp again!
(Pepsi Man pukes up gallons of Pepsi and clears his throat.)
Pepsi Man: It's just a jump to the left!
(Everyone jumps to the left.)
Everyone: And then a step to the right!
(Shia Labeouf places his hands on his hips.)
Shia Labeouf: With your hands on your hips!
(Everyone places their hands on their hips.)
Everyone: You bring your knees in tight! But it's the pelvic thrust, that really drives you insane! Let's do the Time Warp again! Let's do the Time Warp again!
As the music came to an end, everyone fell to the floor and lost consciousness…..
Then they all shat their pants.
The End!