Author note: This fic is the result of the counter challenge of one Irishgirl8. To the point in which she posted 'Coming Full Circle' neither of us had ever posted in the 24 fandom. Irish challenge me to tackle Michelle's feelings near the end of Season 4 when she believes Tony died in the car bomb detonated by Mandy. This is the result of that challenge. Enjoy.
Blindsided
Michelle Dessler carelessly swipes her card key and pushes open the door. She enters the rain, stopping a moment to let the heavy drops bombard her. Normally, she would be dashing to her car to keep the rain from her hair, but today it didn't matter. Nothing matters any more. Tony is dead. Twelve hours ago this news would have saddened her, even caused her to cry for him, but now, after the events of the last few hours, his violent death is destroying her all over again.
She starts walking again; shuffling like an oversized robot. Every step is heavier, weighed down by rain drenching her clothes and the sadness covering he heart. She can barely see her car through the sheets of rain. She squints and her eyes pop open as she thinks she catches a glimpse of Tony sitting in the passenger seat. She blinks and he's gone. Her knees buckle and she wants to fall, but something inside won't let her.
She stagger-runs to the car and opens the door quickly, jumping inside. She looks to the empty seat next to her and tries to conjure his image. When she can't, that is her final straw. Her trembling graduates to wracking sobs. She wants to beat the steering wheel, to lash out at cruel God who would allow the joy of love to reenter her heart only to crush it in the same breath. Didn't He know that they wanted to start over; that they wanted to heal their broken past. Is that what God is supposed to do?
This really can't be happening. She wants to drive down the apartment building and see the car herself. She wants Jack to look her in the eye and tell her Tony's okay; that he's being looked at by the paramedics right over there.
Pointless fantasy.
She is angry, but still too shocked to lash out. Breathing deeply, she tries to focus. What is she supposed to do now? Return to work tomorrow like nothing happened. After all, it had been over a year since she'd been with Tony; months since she'd spoken to him. Each of those encounters ended badly. But, even so, he is what she wants. He is what she has always wanted. She never stopped loving him; even when he turned mean and his self loathing became stronger than any bond they had evr shared. He was still broken. She could see that, but he wanted to move past it. He wanted to grow, he wanted to heal, he wanted to love…her.
Why was it not meant to be? Why had happiness been taken away again? What was she supposed to do?
Bill told her to go home. He said she needed to rest, to regroup. He was a good friend and boss. He would never tell her she was a liability, that even though the situation had passed that she wouldn't possibly be able to do her job competently. No, he wanted her to grieve. No matter how long it took. How long would it take.
She grips the steering wheel as another round of sob overcame her. This time it was not so powerful, but none the less painful.
She didn't want to go home. But where? Drive. Just drive.
Was that her phone ringing? She picks it up and absently puts it to her ear.
"Dessler…" she whispers.
"Michelle, it's Bill…"
She sucks in her breath at his words and conflicting emotions collide as he tells her that Tony is alive. Tony is alive. Tony is alive. She only half listens to anything after that. Tony is alive.