Because I've Never Said Goodbye
Waiting was always annoying. Being a punctual person himself, it irritated him more. However today he wasn't that much annoyed. He's anxious in fact. And a little impatient you could say.
It used to be her favourite place. Less crowd, wave sounds, blue sky above, cold wind- perfect place to have coffee according to her. And with time he had started to like that place too. He's not a coffee person until she came into his life. Together they had tried hundreds of coffee shops, sitting there with mugs and talking endlessly.
He rested his back against the backrest of the chair he was sitting at. Sighing he looked at his watch. What had gotten into her? Traffic? Late flight? Or she didn't get a transport? Or wait. Had she missed her flight!
Overthinking was his habit when it came to her. He could just wait. She's a sensible person. If problem something like that was supposed to arise she would have informed him before handed. And she's the one arranging the meeting. Well of course, because he didn't have the gut to ask her. He never had.
He couldn't stop her when she's leaving.
He couldn't ask her to return when both of them were suffering.
And he couldn't arrange a meeting to fix everything.
She called yesterday and asked him to see her at their favourite coffee shop on her given time. Very less words were exchanged between them. He couldn't have find the courage to ask more. And somewhere he was dying to meet her although he kept saying himself all along the months that he had gotten over her. But in reality he never could have got ridden of her. Never could have someone make his heart feel like the way she did. And yet, he never got the chance to say her those, to say her how he felt.
He had returned from a month long mission and found her missing. Later he discovered she had left. She had gotten transfer and she didn't defend. That broke him down, even made him angry. How could she? He asked himself. He still could remember her rough emotionless voice over the phone when he had called her. But deep down she's crying. He could sense.
"Hello"
"How can you do it Tarika?" He demanded.
"Do what'?"
"Leave." He whispered.
"I couldn't deny the order you know it."
"You never mentioned it to me."
"I.. I tried."
"Don't lie Tarika."
"Abhijeet.." She sounded helpless.
"Tarika, Why?'
"You don't know?"
"No, I don't."
"You will never get to know then."
"Tarika!"
"Äbhijeet I'm busy. Can we talk later?'
"Tarika…"
"Bye Abhijeet."
After that he had made a couple of attempts to talk to her but she always denied to talk on that topic. Later she started to avoid his calls too. He kept demanding did he had done something wrong. Did he hurt her? But she never answered. She even denied him being the reason of her transfer. With time Abhijeet realized it was too late for him, for them. That she had gotten tired of waiting and finally decided to move on. Although difficult he made himself understand that it was for their own good. He let her go. He with talk, directly or indirectly made her realized that he's okay with her decision.
But deep down he still wanted to hold back on her. He wanted to change his past. Sometimes he thought to ask her come back. But now when he recalled he actually never said her to come back. Perhaps she would have come back if he had asked. Perhaps.
But why this meeting suddenly? He's sure she's not coming back. With time he had sensed her becoming stronger, day by day, week by week and months by months. It hurt him but he controlled.
He looked at the entrance one more time and this time he discovered her coming towards him. As their eyes met she smiled at him warmly. But he a felt a strange kind of fear seeing her that smile. It wasn't the one she used to give him. It's warm but distant.
She's wearing a knee length short loose dress with a white purse hanging down her shoulder. Abhijeet became self-conscious about his outfit. Then he wore off the thought and smiled at himself stupidly.
As Tarika approached near him he stood up to welcome her. Gosh, after ages. Well, only 6 months. Tarika smiled at him.
"How are you?'
Abhijeet, for a moment forgot to breathe.
''Äbhijeet"
''Hann, Haan. I'm fine. Have a sit."
They both settled down.
''How are you?'' Abhijeet asked.
''Good.''
Silence.
''hello mam, hello sir.'' A waiter came and greeted them, ''it's good to see you together after so long.''
Tarika looked at Abhijeet. So, he had been coming there regularly.
''Yours regular?'' Asked the waiter.
''Please.'' Said Abhijeer.
The waiter left.
Tarika started the conversation first.
"How's your work going?''
''Good. Yours?''
''Fine. How's Daya? And, others?''
''Everybody's fine.''
''Any mission-''
''Tarika,'' Abhijeet interrupted her, ''I know you are not here to talk about others. So please let's move to main topic.''
''An introduction wouldn't harm. Or, you have started not to like my voice anymore?''
''You don't know? I thought you did. But perhaps I was wrong all along.''
Tarika smiled as per Abhijeet's surprise.
''May be you are right.''
''Tarika.'' He called out her name. His voice was full of urgency.
''No Abhijeet. I'm here to talk what I want to talk. I am not here to listen. It has taken 6 long months for me to gather the courage to meet you and say what I want to say. Please don't interrupt me.''
So he's fear was coming true. He made himself stronger.
''I won't interrupt. But just one question.''
''Yeah.."Tarika nodde her head giving him permission to ask after a pause.
''Why after 6 months? Why now? Why are you here?''
Tarika looked down for a while and then again faced him.
''Because I have never said goodbye.''
Abhijeet became statue. So, she's here to finish everything, to untie that last knot which was holding them together- their unsaid words.
''Whatever I want to say and I will say, I hope you will understand me.'' Tarika continued, ''Abhijeet,'' she paused again, '' I'm sorry for leaving like that.''
But Tarika's sorry didn't raise any hopes in Abhijeet heart. He wasn't liking her tone or the way she's talking. That was hurting him. He kept listening to her.
''I thought it would be easy to leave like that. I was.. I was fed up of waiting. I wanted it to end. With a happy or sad ending. But I just wanted it to end. I.. I thought you would stop me.''
"You never gave me a chance.'' Abhijeet interrupted.
''You didn't try whole heartedly, did you?'' Tarika taunted.
''You wanted me to?''
''Yeah,'' Tarika nodded, ''I did.''
Abhijeet looked at her, guilt.
''But now, it doesn't matter anymore.'' Tarika smiled.
''What do you mean?''
''Abhijeet, I thought a lot about our relationship. It was.. it was.. like friendship.''
''Tarika, It wasn't just friendship. I know I couldn't put that into words but just don't say it. We both know it very well.'' Abhijeet said firmly.
''Neither did I could put that into words. Why only you Abhijeet? I expected too much from you and I had given nothing in return.''
''You did.''
''No, I didn't.''
''Tarika.''
''Listen Abhijeet. Let it just go.'' Tarika said finally.
''You let it go. I never actually wanted the same amount to feeling I am carrying in my heart from you.''
''I can't let it go until you do the same. It will kill me Abhijeet.''
Tarika finally became emotional.
''Tarika..''
''It wasn't easy Abhijeet. For months I tried to console my heart, my mind.'' Tarika said looking down.
Abhijeet held her hand.
Tarika composed herself and placed her other hand over his.
''I don't want any more hopes. I don't want any hopes.''
''Tarika, I have never bound you in kind of relationship. I always had the gut to let you go whenever you want. But the thing is, I forgot you didn't had the same courage, the same thoughts. When falling for you I actually never wanted you to fall for me. But I couldn't deny I loved your company. You became my habit.''
''Abhijeet please. Just say..''
''You are free Tarika, like always. You shouldn't have any hopes.''
Though Tarika wanted to hear it, it hurt her. More than she imagined. Still she managed to smile.
Abhijeet slipped away his hand from hers'and looked away. The waiter served the coffee.
''Thanks.'' Tarika said to Abhijeet sipping her coffee.
''Means, no phone calls? Not even once a week or month?'' Abhijeet asked.
''You want?"'
''If what I want matters than I would like to ask you to come back. So, don't count my wants. Tell me yours.''
''If you really..''
''You.. not me..''
''What you want to listen huh! No, no no. I don't want you in my life. Not in any shape. So, please.''
Abhijeet nodded.
Tarika stood up.
''I will leave then.''
Abhijeet stood up.
''Let me walk you.''
Tarika didn't protest.
They kept walking on footpath of Mumbai.
I'm sorry.'' Abhijeet confessed while walking.
''of course you are. I never doubted your feelings for me. I thought I could keep it up with you, like that, without a name, without promises. But then I discovered I am not that strong. ''
But Abhijeet was oblivious to her talks. He stopped suddenly, making Tarika stopped too.
''It wouldn't matter for you anymore but I want to say,'' Abhijeet paused, '' you are the best feeling that ever have happened to me. And I'm very thankful to you for this. You have bloomed those feeling in me which I never thought I had. And, it will keep blooming until the very end. I am happy with your decision Tarika. I am very happy. I really want you to have a happy life.''
''Abhijeet… so that me.''
''don't raise your hopes again Tarika.''
''I wont.''
Tarika smiled.
Tarika walked away but Abhijeet didn't follow her. He kept looking her, going far away. For forever.
Abhijeet felt the burden wearing off of him after 6 months. Finally all settled. A goodbye had settled everything. Not with a happy ending but at least it's end from her side. It will take a while to be ended from his side. Or may be forever. But He could handle it easily.
Tarika got into the taxi and the taxi drove her towards the airport again. It was tough to say goodbye but finally after 6 months she's actually leaving her past behind with a mere good bye, which she didn't dare to say him then.
THE END
''If a relationship is hurting you and its beyond the limit of repair , let it go. Don't forget to say goodbye. A farewell without Goodbye always leave some hopes behind it.''
AN; Hello haters, Yep I have written. So, just shut your mouth and die in a corner. And if you are so coward then do comment and have fun.
Hello my lovely readers and followers. You must have been very angry on me for leaving like that. Aditi even used some harsh words too. Well. I thought to answer them but again leave it.
About the stories.. I had my reasons to delete them. I was very angry, depressed and everything and there's no one to support me. There's no one to support me when I was being bullied on FF. You all just kept your mouth shut. Well, that wasn't the reason to delete my stories too.
I want to thank every person on ff for being on my side for so long.
Abhirika is a love which had hurt me more than naything else in this world.. abhirika and the people related to this.I have got some wonderful friends through abhirika and I have lost them too. The thought of Abhirika even hurt me now. I am traumatized you can say. I am not blaming anyone. The entire fault is mine. I depended too much on people and thought them just same as me. And eventually it turned up they are just like them and I am, me.I am sorry to all those I have hurt for so long.
Keep me in your prayers.
And yea, this story is because I have never said good bye. ;)