LOL Yes. Now. TO WRITING... A LOVE STORY. OF LOVE. AND TRAGIC, TRAGIC PAIN.
*Sets up his camera and clears his throat*
Our tale begins on a lonely and deserted island far, far away... The island then became inhabited by two separate tribes known as the Wolves and the Leeches. It was forbidden to go across the border into each others' territory, but the place known as Forks was neutral ground. No-kill zone. A gigantic fort the size of Titanic made of expensive pillows bought - stolen - by Maria Fanpire, mysteriously rose up from the land one day. It was inhabited by a silly Moonchild alpha named Reid, and his pet beta-vampire of his pack, Blood Countess. It was really a glorious place to live. No one was allowed except for those Tess wasn't trying to murder.
During a dreadful storm one day, a plain-looking girl-child by the name of Mary Sue - I mean, Isabella Marie Swan - crashlanded on the island of Forks. She was supposed to be plain and not at all pretty, but all the boys on the island immediately lusted after her body. The girl had no brain to speak of. It must have fallen out when she slipped and hit her head after the dashing, brooding, handsome, enigmatically gay-turned-straight by Bella's beauteous self saved her life... When we were all desperately hoping that she would have died a not at all tragic and painful death. Crashes happened often, including those of meteors.
The meteors, by proxy, were what gave the Leeches their ice-cold skin, the venom for defense, and the diamond-like shine in the sunlight. They were regulars on the hit series Smallville, and extras on Lost. They had to make money somehow, though they were fairly disappointed when the directors and writers of Heroes rejected them. Even Reid the Moonchild, director and filmographer extraordinaire refused to have them. He couldn't have his epic tale of the lovely Tess, Blood Countess, tainted by the likes of the Leeches. Vegetarian Leeches? Ha! They must be joking!
A Wolf by the name of Regulus A. Black - a.k.a. Jacob - was taken with the girl-child, who prefered to be called 'Bella'. To his chagrin, she was as equally smitten by her saviour, Cedric Diggory - a.k.a. Edward. He vied for her attention and her affection, but she would have none of it. Abuse and control, not to mention the dangerous vibe Bella got from the Leech she lusted after, was exactly what she wanted. What she needed. Bella and Edward were each others' twu luvz! No one saw that coming, right? Wrong! It only took one look, one glance of complete hatred, and she fell in love with the enemy. For shame, Bella, for shame! Wait until he tries to eat you during violent - passionate! - aggressive - gentle! - brutal - amazing! - rape - love-making!
Even with the treaty in place - what treaty? Oh, the invisible thing right there - Jacob became Bella's BFF. She truly was a devious girl-child who couldn't stand on her own two legs without tripping and attracting danger. A human magnet. It's a trap! Run Jacob, run! Steal Edward from her while you still can!
The anger and the rage fueled by the fact that they were completely different species didn't deter Bella from being a complete idiot. She wanted to become a carrier of the disease that made the Leeches so strong, Deus Ex Machina, pretty, and theoretically immortal. Reid's theory, from observing these creatures for a long while, was concluded thusly: Bella Swan was in it for the glittering. Or the chance to have a mutant spawn baby when no one else could, because they weren't as much of a Special Snowflake as her. In fact, they had their personalities replaced with cardboard emotes. Very mysterious...
Edward on the other hand was the worst Leech of them all. He was using Bella to cover up his deep, arduous friendship with Jacob. You see, Edward had a severe case of female allergen. He couldn't stand to be near Bella at all unless it was in the dead of night. In fact, he oftentimes plotted to kill her for causing him such anguish and torture. She grated on his nerves with her harping on about his chiseled features, and his alabaster skin, and his topaz eyes... Truly sickening. So horribly repulsive and vile that he admitted his feelings to Jacob at once.
Jacob was shocked. How in the world could a Leech possibly be in love with a Wolf?! It was unheard of. Preposterous. Insane. It would never work. They were too different with only one common interest, the Wolf claimed: Mary-Sue-itis.
Undaunted, the Leech with bronze hair continued to pursue the Wolf for his own. How amazed he was when he found that another Wolf, named Leah, was having a passionate and secret affair with his own sister, Rosalie! Disgusted, Edward wondered why there was a treaty in the first place. He ignored Bella's calls, her desperation and destructive behaviour too gruesome to handle. He begged another tribe of Leeches - Laurent, Victoria, and James - to dispose of the Mary Sue infecting them all with her disease-ridden syndrome of Mary-Sue-itis.
Victory seemed close at hand. But Bella survived. She was immune to the venom, unfortunately. Carlisle, unknowing of Edward's fiendish and dastardly plot, was the one to make Edward undo his plan. He was revolted but did as his leader requested. Bella was too exceptional a human not to save from the clutches of death. Oh, woe. Woe, and more woe, and Edward was in his emo corner for days on end after that. Jacob consoled him as best he could in private.
The weeks passed by with a grueling slowness. Then another chance arose, when Bella broadcasted to the entire island that Edward was taking her to the promenade. Jacob came, and pretended to be smitten with Bella still. The other, unimportant filler characters came to their senses and had asked other people on dates for the promenade taking place at Forks High. He threatened her with a lie, about his father telling her to stay away from the Leeches. She would never have Edward! Never! Not while Jacob was around!
Prom ended with another lie, this time told by Edward. He and Bella were twu wuvz. The End! Not! Oh, that's right, there's a sequel...
IF ANYONE DARES INTERRUPT MY TALE I WILL UNLEASH TESS ON YOU! BE WARNED!
*Sits back* NOW! WE BEGIN! THE INVASION!
It was Bella's birthday. Jasper had it all planned out with Alice. Presents, kidnapping, and everything Bella never wanted. The silly bint gave herself a papercut, and the delicous aroma of the Mary Sue's special blood drove Jazzycakes insane. He lunged, intent on killing Bella himself, but Edward flung her back into the obviously-specifically-laid-out glassware on the table behind them. She recieved a long gash in her arm that released more of the special blood - freesia scented - and made all the other Leeches lose their minds. They fled. Carlisle doctored Bella's wound, unaffected.
Sexual tension to the nth degree ensued.
Edward took Bella home, and days later, he broke up with her. They hadn't even been going out - not really - and yet she was absolutely and irrevocably heartbroken. He ripped it out of her chest and ate it. So we all hoped. Except he left her weak and defenseless in the middle of a forest. She was crazy enough to go after him, but Bella didn't have the speed of the Leeches. She was just a simple human. Unbeknowest to her, her "ex-boyfriend" wasn't leaving the island. Instead he and his tribe had gone to the Wolves' territory, called La Push.
Mary Sue went into a catatonic state that made her even more boring and useless than usual.
She decided to hang out with Jacob for a while, falsely led him on with promises and free candy. He let her, knowing that she was just as succeptible to fall in love with him as she had with Edward. It scared him and reassured him to know that the Leech with bronze hair and vanilla-flavoured skin was not hers. He let her become even more delusional, finding it hilarious that she heard Edward's voice. He really was there, she just couldn't see. Jacob's Leech was taking every opportunity to try and kill Bella. But the bitch just wouldn't die! She survived all the odds!
Believing that Bella was finally dead once and for all, Edward went to Volterra to celebrate. St. Marcus Day was also part of the reason. He loved and cherished the parade like no other. It was just that amazing. Jacob had gone with him. But it was all for nothing. In revenge for Aro saying that he was prettier than Alice, the pixie Leech told Bella that Edward thought she was dead. They had to save him. Without hesitation or even the slightest bit of indignation at Alice even suggesting to save the Leech who had abused her so, Bella and Alice raced to Volterra. To save Edward.
He begged the Volturi Leeches to fake his death. They refused outright. The fact that one of their own kind was so afraid of a girl-child such as Mary Sue Bella Swan was laughable. It was hilarious. So Edward decided to let the sunlight blind him to death during the parade. They didn't object. It wasn't like Edward could die from being blinded either. He had to suffer at the hands of an insane human. Marcus found Edward's female allergen to be quite amusing to say the least.
Once Bella arrived, they declared that her and Edward's love was unlike any they had ever seen before. Edward broke down into a fit of spasms and writhed on the floor in agony. Jane pretended to use her power on him. The Mary Sue's obsession with the sparklepire was very intriguing, if not disturbing.
Aro then decreed that Bella either had to be killed or turned into a Leech. Jacob had caught a ride out, back to Forks, so that Bella couldn't know he was in a relationship with Edward. Alice, still feeling vindictive and spiteful, told Aro that she would change Bella herself. She had seen it. The future - a.k.a. foreshadowing. Worn out from not taking her meds, Bella fell asleep. Edward wanted to leave her there so that the Volturi could eat her. Yet his loving sister refused. Apparently, she had an even grander plan than the others that had come and gone before this one.
This.
Was.
The.
Master Plan.
The plan of all plans.
Sure in her confidence, Alice called Victoria and suggested that she raise an army of new zombies - Leeches - to help murder Bella. The redhead agreed, fond of this plan. She'd always wanted to have an army like Maria's. And so the tragedy began. Victoria turned anyone who was willing to cross over to the dark side with her, and aid in her quest to destroy the Mary Sue.
Victoria's army of new Leeches was exactly what the island needed. They hunted and searched for Bella. Not knowing what to do, she ran to Edward. He and Jacob led her up into the mountains, purposefully spilling her blood on the way. If the blood loss wouldn't kill the empty-headed girl-child Mary Sue, then nothing would...except for hungry Leeches. Edward, of course, was far too perfect to sully his hands with killing Bella himself. He had others to do his dirty work. The Volturi were also involved. More firepower was crucial in the offing of a Mary Sue.
So the false battle commenced, Bella froze to death because she was too stupid to wear a parka inside a tent and left it outside. Jacob and Edward made the treaty between their species null and void. Rosalie and Leah came out of the closet together about their love. They forced their brethren to come out too. Alice planned a ridiculously expensive joint wedding for the couples. Everyone on the island attended, very drunk, smashed, hammered, baked, and high from celebrating the eradication of the Mary-Sue-itis that had plagued them.
"Regulus A. Black, do you take Cedric Diggory to be your lawfully wedded husband?"
"I do."
"Rosalie Lillian Hale, do you take Leah Angelique Clearwater to be your lawfully wedded wife?"
"I do."
"Cedric Diggory, do you take Regulus A. Black to be your lawfully wedded husband?"
"I do."
"Leah Angelique Clearwater, do you take Rosalie Lillian Hale to be your lawfully wedded wife?"
"I do."
"You may kiss the grooms and the brides. I now pronounce you husbands, wives, and mates."
They all lived happily ever after in Reid's fort. Edward destroyed some pillows, but that was fine, as long as he didn't make him wear a thong. The Wolves and the Leeches found peace, love, and harmony under the pillowed roof of the Unsinkable Ship-sized fortress, not knowing that it was really just one big padded cell from the insane asylum fashioned into an impenetrable fortress made of awesome.
THE END.