Things weren't always like this. I mean, they were, but it was original, not the return or the sequel or anything.
Okay, listen, what I mean is that me and andrew were like that at first. I said what we were going to play or watch or what have you. He'd go along or whine. Eventually, I may get tired and relent or reassert my previous assertion. So, yeah, like I said, things weren't always like this. This being the awkward feeling that came with what should have been familiar patterns.
He was just jealous. He thought he was as smart as me, but I'd gone off to college. Maybe because I'd spent time studying useful things like physics and not "The Physiology of Darkest Creatures" or some other dusty tome. It'd been some stupid revenge fantasy for his brother; for andrew, it was what he practically lived for. that and 2001: a space odyssey. I've seen this movie way too many times. I'd see it way too many more times, until I changed.
That's right, I changed and lots of bad shit happened. But I'm dead, so in times that I'm not berating myself for my mistakes, I like to remember that there were good times. One time in my life I didn't fuck up was when I decided to call Andrew up after arriving in Sunnydale. If only I'd gotten some cozy job and set up shack with him. I could be feeling his warm body under my arm on some plush custom upholstered leather couch in a split level ranch somewhere in sunny California...watching 2001: a space odyssey.
"Warren, I understand the need to explore the limitless bounds of our intellect, but how can we even begin to further our minds if we forget our roots?" He countered, waving you-know-what in counter point to my own copy of Donnie Darko. College had taken a bit of the geek out of me. I wouldn't have fit in, anyway. Andrew and Jonathon were surprisingly clean for the supreme dorks they are. Should I include myself in there? I was probably the least cleanly of them all, I think they often cleaned when I wasn't looking.
"Andrew, let's not pretend that we're only going to watch one movie and then paint the town red. In the end, we'll end up watching both. I suppose the order is inconsequential, really."
"I really wouldn't agree to that. Holding to my aforementioned affirmation, I feel 2001, should go first to remind us of the light we should hold whatever new film it is that you're holding should be viewed in." Aforementioned affirmation, stuff like that was kind of a little joke between us. Referring back to times with him, or to him himself, sometimes I start to do that to. Jonathon once explained the grammatical dramatics of the process to us...or something. Jonathon had a liking for grammar that we just really couldn't care to match. He was always a third wheel in the trio.
I had come home for college and needed some friendship. Andrew had been my best friend for years before college. In fact, I know I really hurt him by going off. The way we were, emotionally, with each other was a little too heated for a simple friendship. When I left, I decided to forget Andrew. When I left, Andrew decided never to forget me so that when I came back we could pick up where we left off. I wish I could say that my resolution was stalwart, but there were more than one time I almost called Andrew when I was in Sunnydale. But those times were pretty rare considering the hundreds of days I spent away. In the end, I really didn't think of him much.
Here he was, back again, like nothing had happened. He had grown and I had grown, physically, at least. He was slightly more confident (can you believe it!) and I was a hell of a lot more bitter. It was a combination that for a time, made a decent spark.
As was customary (andrew appreciated those things), I fetched the snacks and he prepared the area. Tells you how many weekend nights we spent at my house with absent parents and nothing better to do. I came back and he was in the middle of the couch, like jonathon would be with us. I'm sure he remembers he sat in the middle even before jonathon started hanging out with us. It was a different couch than the one we had when I was friends with andrew the first time (on my part).
It gets a little blurry for me here. There wasn't any real talking, only soft breathing. 2001: a space odyssey is a long movie. In the span of its run, our legs touched, he looked at me, I looked at him. He looked a little too surprised and somewhere after the middle (an hour or so later), I had had enough time to mull it over. Of course andrew had always been in love with me, hadn't he? Oddly enough, that didn't bother me so much. I wasn't totally clueless to my open preferences, I just thought it unnecessary to step outside social norms as I perceived them. Then again, somehow I doubted my relationship with andrew if resumed exactly the way we were before, would seem any different. We went everywhere together and talked mostly with each other and went to the movies together and blah blah. I didn't even hold girls hands...not in public anyway.
So I went for it, out of bitterness, or adventure, or a stupid grasp at hope. I said I wasn't emotionally mature at that point, I didn't really have a reason. Andrew was there and I reached for him. An arm around his shoulders. He froze and relaxed, leaning against me. When he found the courage to look up at me, I was looking back at him. I kissed him and I'm sure he thought of it every time I hurt him. I'm sure he thought of it when I killed Tara accidentally. I'm sure he was thinking of it when he killed Jonathon.
It is really almost entirely my fault for bringing him into all this. I'm to blame for his need for redemption. This is my punishment, all my good moments lead up to their unfortunate end because of my selfishness. It will keep repeating until I've learned some lesson, until I've grown up a little bit. I wish I Could say I had changed, but sometimes I yell out for Andrew to save me, but haven't we already gone that direction before?
Okay, listen, what I mean is that me and andrew were like that at first. I said what we were going to play or watch or what have you. He'd go along or whine. Eventually, I may get tired and relent or reassert my previous assertion. So, yeah, like I said, things weren't always like this. This being the awkward feeling that came with what should have been familiar patterns.
He was just jealous. He thought he was as smart as me, but I'd gone off to college. Maybe because I'd spent time studying useful things like physics and not "The Physiology of Darkest Creatures" or some other dusty tome. It'd been some stupid revenge fantasy for his brother; for andrew, it was what he practically lived for. that and 2001: a space odyssey. I've seen this movie way too many times. I'd see it way too many more times, until I changed.
That's right, I changed and lots of bad shit happened. But I'm dead, so in times that I'm not berating myself for my mistakes, I like to remember that there were good times. One time in my life I didn't fuck up was when I decided to call Andrew up after arriving in Sunnydale. If only I'd gotten some cozy job and set up shack with him. I could be feeling his warm body under my arm on some plush custom upholstered leather couch in a split level ranch somewhere in sunny California...watching 2001: a space odyssey.
"Warren, I understand the need to explore the limitless bounds of our intellect, but how can we even begin to further our minds if we forget our roots?" He countered, waving you-know-what in counter point to my own copy of Donnie Darko. College had taken a bit of the geek out of me. I wouldn't have fit in, anyway. Andrew and Jonathon were surprisingly clean for the supreme dorks they are. Should I include myself in there? I was probably the least cleanly of them all, I think they often cleaned when I wasn't looking.
"Andrew, let's not pretend that we're only going to watch one movie and then paint the town red. In the end, we'll end up watching both. I suppose the order is inconsequential, really."
"I really wouldn't agree to that. Holding to my aforementioned affirmation, I feel 2001, should go first to remind us of the light we should hold whatever new film it is that you're holding should be viewed in." Aforementioned affirmation, stuff like that was kind of a little joke between us. Referring back to times with him, or to him himself, sometimes I start to do that to. Jonathon once explained the grammatical dramatics of the process to us...or something. Jonathon had a liking for grammar that we just really couldn't care to match. He was always a third wheel in the trio.
I had come home for college and needed some friendship. Andrew had been my best friend for years before college. In fact, I know I really hurt him by going off. The way we were, emotionally, with each other was a little too heated for a simple friendship. When I left, I decided to forget Andrew. When I left, Andrew decided never to forget me so that when I came back we could pick up where we left off. I wish I could say that my resolution was stalwart, but there were more than one time I almost called Andrew when I was in Sunnydale. But those times were pretty rare considering the hundreds of days I spent away. In the end, I really didn't think of him much.
Here he was, back again, like nothing had happened. He had grown and I had grown, physically, at least. He was slightly more confident (can you believe it!) and I was a hell of a lot more bitter. It was a combination that for a time, made a decent spark.
As was customary (andrew appreciated those things), I fetched the snacks and he prepared the area. Tells you how many weekend nights we spent at my house with absent parents and nothing better to do. I came back and he was in the middle of the couch, like jonathon would be with us. I'm sure he remembers he sat in the middle even before jonathon started hanging out with us. It was a different couch than the one we had when I was friends with andrew the first time (on my part).
It gets a little blurry for me here. There wasn't any real talking, only soft breathing. 2001: a space odyssey is a long movie. In the span of its run, our legs touched, he looked at me, I looked at him. He looked a little too surprised and somewhere after the middle (an hour or so later), I had had enough time to mull it over. Of course andrew had always been in love with me, hadn't he? Oddly enough, that didn't bother me so much. I wasn't totally clueless to my open preferences, I just thought it unnecessary to step outside social norms as I perceived them. Then again, somehow I doubted my relationship with andrew if resumed exactly the way we were before, would seem any different. We went everywhere together and talked mostly with each other and went to the movies together and blah blah. I didn't even hold girls hands...not in public anyway.
So I went for it, out of bitterness, or adventure, or a stupid grasp at hope. I said I wasn't emotionally mature at that point, I didn't really have a reason. Andrew was there and I reached for him. An arm around his shoulders. He froze and relaxed, leaning against me. When he found the courage to look up at me, I was looking back at him. I kissed him and I'm sure he thought of it every time I hurt him. I'm sure he thought of it when I killed Tara accidentally. I'm sure he was thinking of it when he killed Jonathon.
It is really almost entirely my fault for bringing him into all this. I'm to blame for his need for redemption. This is my punishment, all my good moments lead up to their unfortunate end because of my selfishness. It will keep repeating until I've learned some lesson, until I've grown up a little bit. I wish I Could say I had changed, but sometimes I yell out for Andrew to save me, but haven't we already gone that direction before?