A Franky Fitzgerald one-shot in which Franky is not 'okay'. This came into my head as an inner monologue with Franky sat on the edge of a cliff last night, but it has evolved into a one-sided conversation with Franky finally opening up to someone. If you saw Series 6 Episode 4 of Skins, you'll know the topic of this conversation. If you're worried that you may get upset, then go no further. If you haven't seen it, there are pretty major spoilers for the episode here, so avoid it at all costs.

I'm going to tell you something now, and I want you to listen... I need you to listen, and don't interrupt... please. I need to tell someone. If I don't... I'm worried what might happen.

I'm not okay, and it's not just because of Grace.

It has been weeks since I last saw Luke, but only seconds since I had last thought about what he did. Every second of every day, I've tried to block it out. Everything to do with him. I should have listened. I shouldn't have gone back. He spent every second he could ruining my life, and I didn't even realise it.

I liked the danger. I liked how he didn't let death or... anything bad bother him. He was intoxicating. That's what drew me to him in the first place. He kept things fresh, and it seemed like we understood each other. But it wasn't all as peachy as it seemed. Seemed. That word. It gives it all away. Nothing was perfect. I should have seen it.

I went to find him, you know. He was at a pool club with his mates. He told me that he waited for me. For a minute, I was going to stay there, but I didn't. I just... left.

My dads were trying to get me to go to a grief counsellor, I wasn't having any of it, and I found him, waiting outside my house. I didn't even think it was odd that he'd found my house when I hadn't told him where I lived. I just went off with him again, without really thinking about it. And I told him Grace had died because of that crash. He wasn't remorseful, not guilty at all. All he said was that she was nice, and that 'You gotta let shit go, Franky.' It didn't annoy me. And he seemed to understand the way I was feeling. And I felt then as if we had some huge connection. And then, he took me with him to a pub, where I waited in the car as he beat a load of people up.

When I saw what was going on, I should have gone. Instead, I didn't care. I was scared for a minute, I didn't know what was going on, but in the end, it only made me like him more. It shouldn't have. What reason did he have to go and beat those people up with his mates? I asked. He was vague. I punched one of the guys too, but why did I do it? Why did it excite me so much? And then we went back to his place. I didn't care when he grabbed me and pulled me by the hair like a rag doll. I didn't care that he was hurting me. No-one had ever done that before. The way he did everything made it seem okay. It was different. He was different. I thought different was good. I used to be different. Besides, I thought he was making me feel good. He wasn't.

Matty called. I got my warning. He knew that Luke was a psycho. I didn't listen, of course. I just hung up on him.

And then, I was back at college. Everyone was being weird because I showed up with him. After all, it was his fault. If he had just stopped the car, like I asked him to, Roundview wouldn't be short a person. Nick came and talked to me – funny, he'd never really done that before, and he told me how I was making Matty feel. He'd abandoned everyone, so I couldn't care less. And then, I had another stupid mock exam. They didn't really matter, but I didn't really want my dads getting another phone call. Besides, I hadn't had a lot of time to revise, but I'd do it for the real thing. Cheating didn't matter if it wasn't real, did it? But I might have been a bit rude. I ended up with a suspension for that. But I just didn't care. Luke had rubbed off on me, I suppose.

So I went right back to him, and it was okay. I was actually having fun with him, getting drunk, getting high, playing pool, having sex. I didn't care what was happening as long as I felt fine. And I thought I did. I asked him, you know, how he did it, how he never felt the guilt of anything he did, he just said that 'shit happens, don't tear yourself up about it'. He said it was done, it didn't matter anymore. But it did, how could it not? Grace... she was one of my best friends. She was my first best friend, and I only met her last year. But she's already gone.

He took me home after that, and it just got worse from there. I got into an argument with my dad, and I ended up... I... I cracked his head... it was an accident, of course it was. But it was all my fault. I didn't know what I could do, and then my other dad came in and shouted at me, he didn't mean it but... It was all too much, so I ran off to the park and slept there... Grace was there, on the swings. Well, she wasn't, but at the same time she was... and then she was gone again.

When I woke up, Nick was there, all stupid and sweaty. He started prying into my life whilst showing off his ball-sack. I told him that everything I touched turned to shit, and it was true. My family, my friends, I'd lost everyone. And I asked him why he was talking to me, I just didn't understand, you know? I didn't understand why anyone would talk to me anymore. It's not like I deserved anyone talking to me. I still don't think I do. And he left.

I went back home, and Dad was lying on the sofa. He'd gotten his head bandaged up but I could see the blood. I felt horrible, because it really was my fault. Luke wouldn't have felt that guilt. And my other Dad came in. We all knew I had really hurt him, even though I never meant to. We talked, and I agreed to go to the counsellor. I'd already decided that I would. By then, I knew I had to. Otherwise like my dad said, I would explode, and Luke was wrong. There was no way I could stop myself from exploding. I wanted to make everything okay with us.

Luke kept calling me, and I didn't answer once... and I think that might be one of the things that set him off.

So I went a little while later. Grace was there. And I did explode, right in that woman's office. She told me to let it out, and I did. I exploded whilst apologising to her... I know if I'd never gotten in that car with him in the first place, she would still be alive, wouldn't she? I couldn't help myself anymore, I was a bomb.

I didn't go home, I went to Luke's. He slapped me, then grabbed me by the hair again, and pulled me towards him. I didn't care about me. As far as I was concerned it was all okay And then, he taught me how to fight, which I already knew bits about. I still only know bits, clearly. I didn't see what he had been doing to me then, I think.

We went back to the pool club. I didn't know then that Nick had followed us. When we were in there, at first it was okay, it was fun, I had a laugh.

And then, the club was invaded. I think it might have been by those guys Luke beat up, but I don't know. Anyway, there was another fight, and we all got involved. Nick was in there too; I didn't know that he was until he picked me up off the floor and dragged me out of there, kicking and screaming. He thought he was saving me. He was trying to save me. But I didn't want saving, and I thought I didn't even need it. I should have let him save me... I needed it more than I knew.

I didn't get why he was revolving around me all the time. And then I figured it out. Don't say anything, but he likes me. You should have seen him. I didn't get how anyone could, so I laughed. More at me than at him. No-one could have liked me. No-one should have bothered. That's how I felt, how I still feel right now.

And the Luke showed up. He beat Nick up, and it fucking excited me. I don't know what I was thinking. Luke knew. He knew that I had no intention of ever leaving him then. And he kept beating him up. I got really scared of what he would do, you know. I stopped him; it looked like he might have killed him if I hadn't. And that was when I started getting scared. Nick said I should stay with him, rather than go off with Luke again, and for a minute, I nearly did. But I went off with Luke again, and I fucked up my last chance to get away. I didn't really want to anymore, but I felt almost as if I had to. I convinced myself that it'd all be okay. I did that with Luke all the time.

He put his arm around my neck as we walked away, and I looked back at Nick. I'd screwed up. But we were walking away, I was with Luke and that was that. There was no going back. He was making me feel okay, whilst making me feel so horrible at the same time. Feeling okay was better than nothing.

I stared out of the window for a while whilst we were in the car. I knew I'd probably made the wrong decision. And I got a call from Matty. I didn't hang up. He was panicking, worried that I was with Luke. At the same time, Luke was freaking out, probably because I was using my phone, and I wouldn't tell him who I was talking to I tried to calm him down, I wasn't leaving him, I put my hand on his leg and smiled at him whilst I talked, I wanted to show him that everything was okay. Matty tried to convince me to run away with him, but I wouldn't have any of it. Luke probably wouldn't have let me out of the car anyway... again. Luke had wound down his window... and he sort of maybe... punched me in the head, took my phone and threw it away. That's why I had to get a new one. I didn't just lose it like I told everyone. And that was when I got really worried. Before then, if anything went wrong I could just call someone and get picked up and go home, but... I'd have to get myself out of anything.

We got back to his place and I got undressed. All I was planning on doing was sleeping, and to me, that was okay. There was no way I was going to have sex with him again. He came in. He seemed to think I'd been with both Matty and Nick, or at least I'd flirted with them both, in a single night. It wasn't like that... I told him. He seemed to think I was some kind of... slag, that I wanted it from all three of them. That wasn't true. He'd gone really... weird, teasing me and... Then he came on the bed, and made me kiss him. I was still in that, 'It's all going to be okay' mood. And then we were kissing, and that was sort of fine, but... but he wanted more.. I wasn't okay with it. I told him to look at me. I wanted him to see that I was not okay with it happening, but then when he did, it suddenly became okay... I cupped his face, and it was all rather nice...

He... pushed my hands away, and held my face sideways on to the bed. I tried to say something... but nothing came out, it was like something was stuck in my throat... From the way he pushed on to my cheek... everything came out so mangled anyway... I couldn't tell him that I wanted... I wanted him to stop, so, so badly. And I-I fought, I really did. He was too strong. But he knew. He had to know what he was doing. I... All he wanted was a good fuck. He didn't care about me, he didn't care that he was seriously hurting me.

...

And when he was done, he just smiled, and wrapped his arm around me as he happily drifted off to sleep as if everything was okay. What gave him the right to do that after what he had done to me? I just had to lie there... and wait. I curled into a ball, and tried not to cry as I waited for him to fall fast asleep.

When I was sure he was sleeping, I got out of that bed. I didn't want to be anywhere near him. I got my undies and my stupid little socks and left his room. I couldn't risk a shower, for all I knew that could wake him up, and that would have been... bad.

It would have been stupid to have gone home in the middle of the night, so I had to stay there. I went to his sofa, and I thought things over, Grace, Dad, Nick, Luke. Everything was so bloody fucked up. Have you ever felt like that? I just curled up. I-it was so awful... it still is.

You're the first person I've told, and I really can't have anyone saying anything to anyone. If nothing else, that is the part that has to be a secret, okay?

I didn't get a minute of sleep. How could I sleep?

In the morning, he just came onto the sofa with his box of cereal. He still thought he had done nothing wrong. I stayed as far away as possible as he laughed at the TV. I couldn't look at him anymore. He acted as if everything was okay, and it wasn't.

I took a handful of his cereal, but I didn't eat it. I didn't plan on it. I was so angry with him, I just crushed it in my hand. He started joking around again, wondering why I wasn't talking to him, why I was barely looking at him. And then, I saw it again, how he could go from fine to nasty at the flick of a switch. But nothing happened then. He went off for a shower, and I was so relieved. I just had to hope that I would be able to leave quickly enough to avoid ever seeing him again. It was all fine. But he must have heard me. He shouted for me to go join him in the shower. I couldn't do that, so I just ran. I had to, didn't I?

I stopped running after a while, and when I got to the park, it sounds really stupid, but I talked to Grace... I didn't know what I was going to do, and I needed her... I needed her so fucking much... Why did she have to go and die on us?

My life was... is such a mess... My dad turned up then... gave me a jacket. He told me about when they adopted me, and for a minute, I started to feel better.

But Luke had to go and fucking show up, didn't he? I told dad I'd talk to him, I'd be fine. I didn't think I would be, but at least I wasn't alone with him. He was more polite than I'd ever seen him when he asked for a word with me. But then, of course, he wasn't.

He thought we were going to go off together. He told me he loved me. I knew he was a liar. How could anyone who hurts someone love them? I tried to leave, but he grabbed me in towards me. He told me I was lucky to get someone like him, that no-one else would have someone like me. He said I should be grateful. I said goodbye again, and he was about to punch me in the face, but dad was there. He got there in time to stop him. He started insulting my dad, but he backed off.

The last thing I heard from him, was when he was shouting for me not to walk away from him. I already had. I couldn't be with someone who had hurt me so badly. Even if I thought everything he said was completely and utterly true.

As we walked to the house, when my dad looked at me, I plastered a smile on my face, but when he wasn't looking... I couldn't. I couldn't let dad know what Luke was like. It would have killed him inside. Especially after he'd just told me how important I was to him.

When we got home, he asked me if Luke had hurt me, if I was okay. He asked both questions at once, so I just nodded. He told me to forget about him, there would be other boys, better boys, ones that wouldn't start being violent as soon as they weren't happy with me. And then it was all forgotten.

I finally got to go for that shower. I scrubbed every trace of him off of me. And I was glad. I didn't want to go to the police anyway.

I got rid of everything that he had touched. I wouldn't miss any of it. All it would ever do was remind me of what he had done.

When I'd sorted everything, I went over to Nick's. I had to talk to him. I had to see if he was alright, you know?

As soon as I knocked, I thought I'd made a mistake, so I walked away, but he answered the door very quickly. He was okay. But when he asked if I was, I nodded, but broke down crying. I apologised for Luke going crazy... he just didn't seem to realise that he'd gone even crazier with me. And then we nearly kissed, but it didn't really work out. I'm glad it didn't... he wouldn't have known it, but he'd have been taking advantage of me. So we decided to just be mates. And that was fine... there's so many times when I should have told him. But I decided not to. I don't know why.

I've spent every day convincing everyone that it's okay. That I'm okay. That Luke and I broke up for a different reason than we really did.

I almost told my dads last week that I need 2 different counsellors. But I don't want them to ever find out. I want them not to know a thing.

I'm okay... I'm okay. It's all going to be okay... isn't it? I... I don't need any help with this... and I don't think I had to... I don't think I should have told you... I'm sorry.

Don't, 'Oh Franky...' me, I just couldn't stand that right now, okay...?

Just tell me, please... tell me that everything's going to be okay...

Yes, I know I used the word 'Okay' a lot.

The idea for this story came to me when I was lying in bed last night, so I've spent all day writing this.

Out of interest, if you have gotten this far, can you tell me who you WANT her to be talking to (it could be anyone, even someone whose name is mentioned in here) and who you think she is ACTUALLY talking to. Yes, those are 2 different questions.

This is my interpretation of Franky and the way she felt in this episode. If you disagree, then its perfectly fine.

If you know anyone who is being abused, or if you are yourself, please tell someone and get help. Don't just bottle things in. It really won't help.

Kaisha :)

Yes, I know I've been gone for a while. I've been very busy.