Speculum

Summary: That mask he wears is just a way to hide who he really is. But in the mirror, in the speculum in the night, the savage underneath is revealed. All he wanted to know--who was he? Allen centric, one-shot unless people want it to be longer

One of those insane-angsty Allen-fics, so uh…yeah, it's weird. Um…yay for weirdness? I don't own D. Gray-Man, so don't eat me cuz I never said I did. It belongs to Katsura Hoshino respectively. No flames please, but constructive criticism and comments are welcome. Nowwwwwww…begin!

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Allen shivered as he felt a chill run down his spine. It was 2:00 AM, but he couldn't sleep. There was a strange presence he felt keeping him awake--not an akuma, something else, something different, something…strange. Sitting up, the teenage exorcist listened and heard a slight whisper from the corner of the room.

"You killed him, you killed him…you killed your father, you killed Mana Walker…you're a murderer…" Allen's eyes widened as he stood up, and as his feet touched the ground, the floor creaked. With no light but the moon illuminating his room, he wandered blindly around his room in the darkness. The whispers continued, repeating the same lines over and over again. As Allen walked to the mirror, he first noticed the strange shadow behind him. He had noticed it was there every time he looked in the mirror, but that didn't startle him as much as something else--the person looking back at him in the mirror was seemingly…devilish. Allen took a step back, but before he could move any further, he saw the reflection move first.

"Allen, look at me." The figure in the mirror demanded. Gasping, the exorcist looked at the mirror again, gently touching it with his fingers.

"Who--what are you?" Allen inquired as the figure in the mirror stood there, smirking at him.

"My, after 15 years you still can't recognize your own reflection?"

"You. Are. Not. Me." Allen emphasized every word, the reflection sporting a demonic grin.

"Aww, you really think so? I'm the real you, the one you keep locked inside while you wear that clownish mask of yours." Allen looked down at himself, looking at his hands, the looked back at the mirror.

Was he really a demon, like that monster looking back at him? That's what everyone had told him when he was young, even his parents who had cast him away at such a young age. It was because of his arm--that wretched arm, the deformity that changed what everyone thought of him. That was why everyone considered him a monster. That was, until Mana came. Mana had convinced him that God doesn't make mistakes, and everything happens for a reason. Mana, who he considered his father, had accepted him, and told him that nothing was wrong with him. Allen had truly begun to believe that view, until that blood-red deformity had killed his father. For Allen, witnessing Mana's death once was bad enough, but the second time, at his own hands the second, was much more traumatizing. And he had his eye and his arm to keep reminding him, to keep reminding him that he was a murderer, that he killed his father.

"You're not me. I gave up that side of myself. I don't hate humans anymore; I have both the akuma and my friends to keep me living and to give me purpose." Allen stated defiantly, looking back into the reflection. Smirking again, the reflection slightly chuckled and crossed his arms. Allen crossed his arms back at him, gazing into the empty silver eyes of his so-called reflection.

"You know you still don't trust them, you're living a lie. You fear humans, you fear for your life. You're a coward, and that mask you wear is eventually going to break." The last words echoed in the room, the reflection's mouth twisting into a sinister grin. Allen frowned at this: What had he to deny? It was the truth--humans still frightened him, they had tortured and abused him, and they still scared him to no ends. It was hard for him to trust even the people at the Order at first, but he had learned through friendship. Of course, he could trust those people. But they were a little number in the world.

It was a funny coincidence how Allen's form of Innocence emphasized his fake side, and how it harbored a mask. He had been hiding behind that clownish smile the last years of his life. He had been living a lie ever since Mana had died.

"And oh, Allen, how you worry…how you cry every night, how you break down when nobody is looking…no one ever loved you Allen, they're all as fake as you are," Allen swallowed hard, trying to respond, even as he felt as though knives were stabbing his throat and cutting off all source of air.

"Sh…shut up! Mana loved me! And…Lenalee…and Lavi…and…all the people here…they…"

"Foolish child, Mana never loved you,"

"SHUT UP!" Allen couldn't take it anymore, he found himself yelling. "Mana loved me like his own son! No one else would even look at me, but he saved me!" Why was he yelling? Who was there to begin with--was it all in his imagination? Was he honestly just yelling at himself, at his reflection in the mirror? But what if it was right? What if no one had truly ever loved him?

Falling to his knees, he began shaking and felt a lone tear trickle down his cheek. "Stop it Allen, stop it!" he yelled at himself for his foolish thoughts, "Mana loved me, he loved me, and I have friends here! They…they care for me, too…" his yells turned to sobs as he looked back up to the reflection. Brushing his snow-white hair out of his face, he stared into the mirror. It was just a normal reflection again, with Allen crumbled on the floor and tears staining his pale cheeks. Moving closer, Allen took a better look, his own icy-grey eyes piercing his heart.

"Where did you go?" Just when Allen thought he had calmed down, he felt his voice begin to crescendo again. Slamming his fists against the mirror, it slightly cracked and he pulled his hands away to see blood on his knuckles. Standing up, he looked closely at his reflection. No signs of that devil, just the nervous, insane Allen. Punching the mirror again, it shattered across the floor, the sparkling pieces showing his mirror image broken among the scattered pieces.

"Sorry, I'm still here!" a maniacal laugh echoed around the room.

"Leave me ALONE!" the exorcist screamed, tugging at his hair. "Leave me!" he stomped on the pieces of the mirror, crunching them under his feet. As he heard a second laugh, he suddenly stopped and looked at his hands. Why was he doing this? Who was he yelling at? Noticing how much he was trembling, he felt more tears fall down his face. I must be crazy! I've been yelling at myself this whole time, I'm not hurting anyone but myself, not getting rid of anything at all…he collapsed to his knees once again, shivered and throwing his hands to the floor. As soon as he thought it was over, another voice rang in his mind.

"What is wrong with me?! These voices I hear are all around me, they're everywhere!" One voice had left him; another one had entered his mind. This time, the voice wasn't his own, but it was eerily familiar.

Never-ending, through the light

The nightingale sings among the night

Serenading gently in its flight

It whistles, "Hush little baby, it'll be alright."

Over and over it echoed, giving Allen a sense of nostalgia. But why, what was so comforting about it? It was something his mother sang, in that sweet voice of hers, when he used to cry. It must have been fake, because it was that same mother who decided to drop him off in a random alleyway and never return. The voice was beautiful yet haunting, letting nightmares of the past flow into Allen's head.

"Stop, stop!" Allen screamed at the top of his lungs, even knowing it would wake everyone this time. The first ones to rush to his door were Lenalee and Lavi, who immediately barged in and ran to his side. They had no idea what he was screaming for, but Lenalee rubbed his back trying to coax him. What was wrong with him? Why was his reflection so evil, and why was his mother's voice here?

"L-Lenalee…Lavi…there's a voice…a song…a mirror…"

"A song?" Lavi and Lenalee looked at eachother confused; neither of them heard the tune that rang through their friend's mind.

"Allen, please stop screaming!" Lenalee looked at the shattered mirror as she spoke, looking at Allen's bloodstained hands after.

"Hey, Allen, everything's gonna be alright, just calm down now, okay?" Lavi pat Allen's back and tried to reassure him with his optimistic tone.

"I…I know I'm a monster! I know, I know!" he continued to yell, trying to control himself, but nothing could stop the voices. "The voices…the song, it won't stop, it won't leave me!"

"Allen, listen to me! Please, calm down!" Allen looked at his friends' worried face and ended his cries into sobs, crying out for love, for someone to accept him. "Please…please…"

"I'm a monster…I'm a monster…I killed my own father…" he whispered in between sobs.

"You're not a monster! We…we care for you, all of us." Lenalee rubbed Allen's back, wiping his tears.

"Yeah, we all love you here! Even grumpy old Yuu-chan…" Lavi smiled at his friend, and their words finally got to the traumatized teen.

Then it hit him.

They love the mask you wear. Not you. They don't even know you.