Kelaiah the skinny, bespectacled (and very cute, in his own opinion) male ferret sat calmly behind a desk.
"Ah, hello there, good reader!" he said perkily, smiling brightly. "Yes, I know what you're thinking: 'Kel has put up another fic while all his other ones remain unfinished'. Well, I would like you all to remember that just about every other author on this site is the exactly the same way. Heh heh.
"Well, anyway, let me explain to you what this fic is going to be about:
"Each chapter is going to deal with two characters from the Redwall series reading fanmail and answering any questions their fans have for them. The fanmail they're going to be reading will be coming from the reviews you give in this fic.
"Now, for the first duo, we have Emperor Ublaz Mad-Eyes and Rasconza. Say hello, fellas!"
"Greetings, potential slaves," Ublaz drawled silkily.
"Hiya," Rasconza said, waving a paw.
The fox and pine marten were seated at opposite ends of Kelaiah's desk, each with a computer before him.
"Now, for those of you who are still a little confused as to how this is going to work," Kelaiah went on, "Let me explain further:
"When you review for THIS chapter, that is, the one that you're reading right now, please put in your review any questions or comments you might have for our two guests, and in the following chapter, Ublaz and Rasconza will answer them.
"When this fic will be updated depends on how many reviews this gets, because I would like to have plenty of stuff to work with."
Both Ublaz and Rasconza snorted. Kel glared, but ignored them and went on.
"So, here are some basic rules:
"Rule number one, please keep your questions and comments on an appropriate level; nothing dirty or overly risque, please (though you ARE allowed to ask them a little about their love lives, if you want to)."
"NO THEY CAN'T!" roared Ublaz. "It's my love life, I don't need any fanfiction authors meddling with it!"
"Maybe you do," grinned Rasconza, "That way you'll actually have a love life!"
"Shut up!" shouted Ublaz.
"ANYway," interrupted Kelaiah. "Rule number two, once the next Redwall duo is up, you cannot send in fanmail addressed to the previous duo.
"Rule number three, please do not request any Redwall duos for me to do next - at least NOT YET, because I've already decided who the first few duos I'm going to use.
"And finally, rule number four: HAVE FUN!"
"That's a rule?" said Ublaz, raising his eyebrows. "I could've thought of a better rule than that!"
"Like what?" challenged the ferret.
"Like how each reviewer must say that I am the coolest warlord there ever was-"
"WHAT?!" shouted Rasconza, giving a laugh. "You're not a warlord! Yer just some sneaky little corsair who dresses up pretty little dresses and hunted for something pink to crown yerself with!"
"Okay," growled Ublaz, standing up and glaring down at the fox (while at the same time wishing that Kel hadn't taken away his hypnotic power for the time being). "I may be sneaky, I may have once been a corsair, my clothes maybe pretty, and I did hunt for those pearls, but I am NOT little, they were NOT 'dresses', they were ROBES, and those pearls were MAGICAL, hence why I wanted them!"
"Are you sure about that?" the pirate-fox grinned.
"Yes I am sure about that," the pine marten snapped. "And I will not be disrespected like that again! I am Emperor Ublaz of the Hypnotic Eyes-"
"Hypnotic Eyes, hah! Not so hypnotic anymore now that Kel here took away yer powers for the fic."
Ublaz glared full throttle at the grinning fox before turning on Kel.
"I cannot have you hypnotizing everybeast present," the ferret calmly explained. "I already told you, it'd ruin the flow of the script if you kept trying to get creatures to do your bidding. But at least I took away Rasconza's daggers so he couldn't stab you."
Ublaz blew out his nostrils, but was somewhat pacified at the reminder of his rival being deprived of his precious daggers. Rasconza, however, looked momentarily miffed, but swiftly recovered.
"Yeah and he took away your dagger, Mad-Eyes, and didn't allow you any weapon at all, either!"
"I can't have you guys hacking away at each other!" Kel said impatiently. "No matter how much you want to do each other in."
"I still wish I was the one to do you in," Ublaz said to Rasconza. "Too bad it was the traitorous Sagitar, but at least my death was cooler than yours'."
"Now how was your's cooler?!" demanded Rasconza. "You stepped on a snake, it bit you, and you died with some mouse screaming in your face! Now how is that cooler than MY death?"
"Please, you get killed off by a dying rat who shows you up by saying that she, unlike you, never throws her weapon away, she always keeps a hold of it. I mean, come on, Rasconza, do you really think that throwing your weapons away will help when a whole horde is coming at you?"
"At least I keep an eye on my weight!" shot back Rasconza.
"What's THAT supposed to mean?!" screeched Ublaz, firing up at once.
"You recall that one line that was said about you? 'Many seasons o' soft livin' had slowed the pine marten.' That means you're old and fat."
Ublaz stood up again, somehow managing to stand taller than before. "I AM NOT OLD, AND I MOST CERTAINLY AM NOT FAT!"
"Sure y'are," the fox replied cheerfully, glad that he had apparently touched on one of his rival's Big Red Buttons. "Anybeast who's been livin' soft for 'many seasons' has to be old an' fat."
"I am NOT FAT! And I am not old! I'm just not in as good a shape as I was in my corsair days."
"That's what all the fat old guys say."
"THAT DOES IT! RRRRRAAAAARRRRRGGGGGGG!!!"
Ublaz launched himself across the desk, freshly-painted claws stretched towards Rasconza, who immediately leapt up, ready and willing for a fight--
Zap.
Except from out of Kel's lazer came long straps that, with lightning quickness, wrapped themselves tightly around the fox and pine marten in the same fashion that Gelltor had tied up Ascrod in Redwall and the Haunted Mansion: the straps covered them from head to toe, with holes for their ears, eyes, noses, and tails, but everything else was strapped in tight.
"Hmmrrff! Hmrrff!" said Ublaz.
"Mmmmrrrffff!" said Rasconza.
The two struggled to break free, but only succeeded in falling painfully to the floor. Kelaiah stood over them, holding up his lazer warningly.
"I said I didn't want you guys killing each other before you answered your fanmail," the ferret murmured dangerously. "Now, I will let you guys go when you both promise to behave yourselves and try to be nice to one another."
After glaring up at Kel with anger and resentment, both fox and marten realized they had no other choice, so they nodded.
"Good," said Kel, pressing a few buttons on his lazer.
In an instance, the straps covering Ublaz and Rasconza disappeared, as did Kel.
The fox and pine marten stood carefully back up, eyeing each other warily as they sat back in their previous spots.
"So, ah. . . ." began Rasconza. "So are we supposed to read the famail offa these computers or somethin'?"
Ublaz shrugged.
A few more moments of silence.
"I'm not fat, y'know."
"Oh please. You should be changing yer name to 'Ubelly the Mad-sized Belly' or somethin' like that."
Immediately the pine marten fired up, but quickly got himself to calm down. Instead he smiled thinly, and replied, "Well at least I don't have fleas."
Rasconza nodded mock-pleasantly. "I know y'don't. Neither do I."
"Yes you do!" snarled Ublaz. "And you're filthy and have the most horrible odor! I mean, come on, haven't you ever heard of bathwater? Or at least try some deodorant!"
"We don't have deodorant in Redwall, Ublaz."
"We don't have computers either."
"Ah. Touche. But anyway, I'd rather be dirty and smelly and have a lean, muscular build than an old flabby one."
"I am NOT flabby! You're just jealous because I have more fangirls than you do!"
"Please, now that's not even funny!"
Ublaz stared. "You seriously think that you have more fangirls than me?"
"You bet I do! In fact, I know I do!"
The pine marten stared for a moment before grinning evilly. "Alright then, fox. I'll make you a deal. We'll have all the female reviewers say who they'd rather fangirl."
"That sounds fine," the fox grinned. "Of course they'll want to go for some young, clever fox who's kept himself in good shape-"
"Who smells like seaweed and ocean-rot!" interrupted Ublaz. "They'd much rather go for a big, strong, handsome pine marten who has plenty of treasure to spare!"
"Pleh, that's what all the old fat ones do," scoffed Rasconza. "When they can't get by on their looks alone, they bring out their cash."
"Jealous, you poor little fox?"
"Shut up."
"But ANYway," said Kelaiah's voice on an intercom, "let's get on with the fanmail, alright?
"Reviewers, please remember to write your 'fanmail' in your review for THIS chapter in order for it to be answered in the next chapter.
"And, just for the sake of settling the argument, all female reviewers, please also state who you would rather fangirl: Ublaz or Rasconza. NOT that I'm saying you really would, but . . . yeah.
"Thank you, and have fun!"
"And if I have the most fangirls," said Rasconza, "Ublaz has to-"
"Don't start talking about punishments and stuff like that!" interruped Kel again. "If you do, it might get the reviewers to vote for one more than the other simply because they want to see said punishment happen to them!"
"Alright, fine. But we're still in agreement that if one has less fangirls than th' other, they have to do something bad, right?"
"Right," agreed Ublaz.
And with that, the two spit on their paws and shook said paws, each suddenly remembering that that was how they sealed their very first deal. . . .
A/N: Alright, people! Start reviewing and fanmailing! And PLEASE try not to be biased when answering the 'fangirl' thing, just be honest. :)