After Hours in Seattle

by frostyfreezyfreeze54

Buster and RK get a taste of the late night experience in Seattle when they go see a movie with Manny and Will after dark. Meanwhile, Sparky organizes a neighborhood watch after getting robbed by a cat burglar.

Thank You, Heavenly

Theme Song: "Let It Roll" by Divide the Day

SEASON 7

EPISODE 9

Airdate: November 11, 2018

"After Hours in Seattle"

#TYH707

SCENE 1

The MacDougal Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

Late at night, a burglar breaks into Sparky's house and begins collecting items from his living room, like a watch, knick knacks from the coffee table, his TV, clothes from the closet, and food from the refrigerator. He then goes into Bitch Clock's man cave and returns with several bottles and cans of alcohol to load into his truck. Cut to Sparky and Bitch Clock upstairs, completely asleep and none the wiser.

SCENE 2

The MacDougal Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

The next morning, cops are looking around Sparky's living room and taking notes. Sparky is on the couch with a depressed look on his face.

SPARKY: I can't believe this. I never thought I had anything worth stealing.

COP: Well, Mr. MacDougal, this was definitely a home invasion. Now, we believe this was the work of a local cat burglar.

SPARKY: Cat burglar? They stole Santa's Little Helper?!

The camera widens to reveal Santa's Little Helper resting near Sparky's feet.

SPARKY: Oh.

COP: No, a cat burglar is someone who goes around house to house and commits robberies, but they do it in such a cat-like fashion, you won't even know anyone is in there.

SPARKY: So, now do what I do?

COP: Just hang back for a little while. The cat burglar has already got several houses in this neighborhood, but I don't think it will be that hard to retrieve your stolen goods.

Bitch Clock emerges from the attic.

BITCH CLOCK: They did it. Those rotten, sneaky, conniving sons a bitches did it.

SPARKY: What do you mean, Bitch Clock?

BITCH CLOCK: They cleaned me out. Everything got snatched, my whiskey, my lagers, my champagne, my beer, my vodka. They even took the wine!

SPARKY: I don't get the difference.

BITCH CLOCK: My homemade wine that I invented one night. It was called Virginia Magnolias. Wait a minute, it was just a prototype, it wasn't ready to be drank yet! Oh no, I'm doing another bid for this. Sparky, if this wine hits the streets and I go back to jail, then I'm sorry I won't be able to watch you grow up to be a man.

The policeman clears his throat.

BITCH CLOCK: What? Go back to Dunkin' Donuts, I'm pretty sure there are some black schoolkids nearby that you can shoot because they apparently stole something.

Beat.

BITCH CLOCK: You can't, um...you can't do time for poorly executed police brutality jokes, can you?

COP: If I were you, I wouldn't leave town.

SCENE 3

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Hallway

Seattle, Washington

Buster and RK walk into school that same morning.

BUSTER: RK, we have a problem with your brother.

RK: Funny, that's what his first girlfriend said. What happened?

BUSTER: I was watching I Am Frankie last night and then he just jacked the remote. I tried to check him for it and he asked me what I'm gonna do about it. He put me on the spot! I didn't know what to do about it, man. I didn't.

RK: Look, KG probably has his sights set on you since you're still new to the house. You have to push back. Try to kick his ass and he won't do it again.

BUSTER: Really? You kicked his ass and he never tried you again?

RK: I said, try to. You're most likely going to get your thumb twisted all the way back and start crying like I did.

Manny and Will walk up to the boys.

MANNY: Hey guys, what's up?

RK: What's it looking like, gents?

WILL: Manny and I are seeing a movie tonight. You guys wanna come?

BUSTER: I don't know. Is it going to be one of those foreign films that's three hours long? And they're just a bunch of characters that talk all the time and don't do anything interesting? I DON'T CARE HOW MANY AWARDS YOU WON, YOU'RE STILL A SHITTY MOVIE!

RK: Buster, it's okay.

BUSTER: I know, it's just...I hate those movies, man.

MANNY: We don't know what we're seeing yet, but we're going to catch the midnight showing.

RK: Midnight showing? You guys are seeing movies that late?

WILL: Yeah, what's wrong with that?

BUSTER: It's on a school night! Hours after the street lights come on! There are going to be thieves and hustlers and murderers all over the place.

MANNY: Wow, you guys are more pussy than cats.

RK: You want to repeat that so when people ask why I gave you a prison beating, they'll know?

WILL: He's just saying, it's not that serious. You guys have never been out that late before?

RK: Not recently. Why the hell would children be out that late at night?

BUSTER: Yeah, it's not like it's New Year's Eve. And even on New Year's Eve, I don't stay up late. I just drink some apple juice, watch the ABC show until 12:30 and then go to sleep.

WILL: Just think about it. You might end up having a lot of fun.

MANNY: Yeah, stop being so bitchmade.

Manny and Will walk away from the boys.

RK: You know what they're doing, right? They're challenging us. We should take them up on their offer just to prove them wrong.

BUSTER: I don't know, man, it's going to be really late. Besides, how can I go out and have fun after what happened to Sparky? He can't even watch TV!

RK: Yeah, I get what you're saying. You can tell a lot about a person from the shows they watch. They say television is the window to the soul.

BUSTER: I thought eyes were the window to the soul.

RK: No, some idiot just made that up so they could put it on Valentine's Day cards. Trust me, I know what I'm talking about.

SCENE 4

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Lunchroom

Seattle, Washington

At lunch, Sparky is talking to Wade and Jaylynn.

JAYLYNN: So how's the police search going?

SPARKY: Well, they just started it so they haven't found anything yet, but they gave me their word that they would be able to get everything back.

WADE: Really?

SPARKY: No, I don't believe a damn thing they told me.

JAYLYNN: This is crap. These assholes steal things every day and never get caught. How much of a bum do you have to be to take things that other people paid for?

WADE: Sometimes, it's about selling the items and making an easy profit.

JAYLYNN: I know, but it's still a bum mentality. In Portland, people used to get put in caskets for stealing.

SPARKY: You know, it's okay if it happens to me, but there are a ton of other people on my block that got robbed too. I just wish there was a way we could all get our stuff back.

WADE: You ever considered starting up a neighborhood watch?

SPARKY: A neighborhood watch? I don't know, that would take weeks to organize.

WADE: Not if you have enough drive. Everybody on your block can band together and protect the area when the cat burglar strikes. If he's robbed that many houses, he's going to come back for more.

SPARKY: It's not a bad idea. I'm just wondering who the hell would listen to me.

JAYLYNN: We can help you out, man. Back in Portland, I was part of a neighborhood watch too. But it didn't last a month before we had to shut it down.

SPARKY: Why?

JAYLYNN: Well, apparently, the guy who was the captain of the watch ended up being the guy robbing everyone. He took the job so he could throw everyone off the scent.

WADE: Is that why you moved to Seattle?

JAYLYNN: Kinda, but when you come from there, you just expect people to be grimy.

SCENE 5

The Jennings Household

Interior RK's Bedroom

Seattle, Washington

RK is giving a whiteboard presentation to Buster after school.

RK: Alright, Buster. If we're going to stay up until late at night just to see the movie with Manny and Will, we need to make sure we have all our bases covered.

BUSTER: Wait, is this an RK Jennings signature moment?

RK: No, not everything I do is a signature moment. I don't want it to get repetitive. Now, right here is you and me.

RK points to crudely drawn caricatures of Buster and himself using a ruler.

BUSTER: Why did you draw me with dark hair?

RK: Dude, this is just a demonstration. You think I had time to find a blonde-colored marker?

BUSTER: If you had time to draw all this without me knowing about it, why wouldn't you?

Beat.

RK: Anyway, this is you and me. The obstacles we face in getting out of the house are fear and our amount of energy.

BUSTER: What about KG?

RK: Oh, we don't have to worry about him. As long as we're not doing anything he would never do, we're golden.

BUSTER: Okay, so how do we keep ourselves from getting tired and/or chickening out?

RK: We drink coffee.

BUSTER: Really? Your master plan is coffee?

RK: Look, what else do you have in mind? I mean, we could have Five Hour Energy, but that would probably kill us.

BUSTER: Forget it. I want the coffee. Black coffee. Nothing but the natural stuff.

RK: Dude, black coffee is the nastiest coffee in existence.

BUSTER: But it's also the most organic and the most pure. Studies show that black coffee is full of powerful antioxidants and minerals, and they can help you stay awake longer.

RK: Really?

BUSTER: I have no idea, I'm just trying to get you on board here.

RK: Well, I guess we could try that. I'm just hoping that doesn't kill us either.

BUSTER: It can't. We have to see that movie. If we don't, people are going to find out that we didn't see the movie. Then we're never going to get invited to parties, and they'll start calling us mean names like, like "Chicken Boys" or some shit.

RK: Chicken Boys?

BUSTER: NO, DON'T SAY IT, I'M ALREADY IMAGINING IT!

SCENE 6

The MacDougal Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

Sparky, Wade, and Jaylynn are all together after school. Sparky is using his laptop.

SPARKY: Alright, that's the last invitation. Thanks again, guys. Maybe if this watch goes well, our block will be safer.

WADE: And then the cat burglar will just move onto an easier, more accessible block which continues the cycle of theft in our city.

Sparky and Jaylynn give Wade confused looks.

WADE: I'm helpful, not unrealistic.

At that point, Bitch Clock walks downstairs on the phone.

BITCH CLOCK: Yeah, so Dave, you remember that one night I stayed over and I was super drunk? Like, 'not even fit to be called an alcoholic' drunk because of how much I had that night? Yeah, do you remember the recipe for that wine I wrote down? Hello? Hello, Dave? DAVE?!

Bitch Clock hangs up the phone.

BITCH CLOCK: Sneaky bastard probably wants to patent the recipe for himself.

SPARKY: What are you doing, man?

BITCH CLOCK: I might be going back to jail for Virginia Magnolias, but that doesn't mean I can't go out with a bang. I just have to finish the wine and perfect it, but there's only one problem.

JAYLYNN: You made the wine when you were drunk and can't remember any of the ingredients?

BITCH CLOCK: Ah, the days of me having to explain everything myself are over.

SPARKY: How could you make a prototype for your own wine while you were drunk?

BITCH CLOCK: It's not impossible. I'm at my most creative when I drink. One time, I got so smashed, I ended up writing a screenplay about this kid in a 1980s Midwestern town that goes missing, and when everyone tries to find him, they deal with all of this supernatural, mysterious shit that they didn't prepare for.

WADE: That sounds like the plot for Stranger Things.

BITCH CLOCK: It is now. Those should be my Emmys. I'm going to go back to my booze cave and try jogging my memory. And once I do, I'll get my shooters to come at Netflix too.

Bitch Clock walks upstairs to head to the attic.

JAYLYNN: What are the chances he's lying to us?

SPARKY: I want to give him the benefit of the doubt and believe he actually did that.

SCENE 7

The Jennings Household

Interior Hallway

Seattle, Washington

Late at night, Buster is standing outside the bathroom, dressed and waiting for RK.

BUSTER: RK, are you ready yet? We have to meet Manny and Will in a half hour.

At that point, the sound of a toilet being flushed is heard. RK walks out of the bathroom.

RK: Don't rush me, man. I had to piss out all that black coffee you made me drink. Crazy enough, it's better going out than going in.

BUSTER: Well, here we go. The big time. You ready?

RK: As ready as I can be. I still can't believe we're doing this. We're about to enter a whole new world.

BUSTER: I know, but this is about more than just seeing a movie. It's about our manhood. And it's about not having to ever deal with a lifetime of being called Chicken Boys.

RK: That's kinda funny. Chicken Boys.

RK starts cackling.

RK: It's even better with a funny accent. *faux Jamaican patois* What gwan problem now, me Chicken Boys?

RK falls to the floor with laughter and pounds his arm on the floor while Buster looks at him with confusion. RK gets up and wipes tears from his eyes, then takes a deep breath.

BUSTER: You want to explain what the f*** that was?

SCENE 8

Regal Meridian 16

Exterior Entrance

Seattle, Washington

Manny and Will are in the lobby of the multiplex waiting for Buster and RK to arrive.

MANNY: So Will, my ticket's on you again?

WILL: No. You said you were paying for your own ticket this time!

MANNY: Will, mi hermano, whose fault is it? My fault for lying to you or your fault for believing me?

At that point, RK and Buster walk in.

RK: Ciao, bitches.

MANNY: You're such an idiot. That means goodbye in German.

RK: W-what are you...that doesn't make...who raised you?

WILL: We were just starting to think you weren't showing up.

MANNY: Yeah, we were about to call you pussy at school tomorrow.

BUSTER: You weren't about to call us Chicken Boys, were you?

MANNY: No. Why would we call you that?

BUSTER: You wouldn't, because we made it, SO DON'T CALL US THAT!

WILL: Riiight. Let's just buy our tickets and popcorn.

RK: What tickets? We don't even know what we're seeing.

MANNY: Let's just check the "Now Showing" screen.

The boys look up at the "Now Showing" screen above their heads and see the following movies: "Dancing in the Moonlight" starring Amandla Stenberg and Nat Wolff, "Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Chips Are Down," "Sister, Sister: The Reboot in 3D," and "Night School" starring Kevin Hart and Tiffany Haddish.

MANNY/WILL/BUSTER: Sister, Sister.

RK: Alvin and the Chipmunks.

The other boys give RK weird looks.

RK: What? How much shittier can it be than the last ten movies they did?

SCENE 9

Regal Meridian 16

Exterior Exit

Seattle, Washington

The guys leave the multiplex sometime after two in the morning.

RK: I thought that was a really solid picture.

BUSTER: I don't know. How can you make a Sister, Sister movie without Roger?

WILL: They explained that in the movie.

BUSTER: That's just code for "We don't talk to the guy who plays Roger anymore, so let's just pretend he doesn't matter."

MANNY: Ugh, I need to do something else. You guys want to grab a bite to eat?

WILL: Sure.

RK: Child, it's 2:08 AM. They're showing paid programming on TV right now.

BUSTER: Yeah, what restaurants are even open?

MANNY: You guys don't know much about nightlife, do you?

SCENE 10

Wendy's

Seattle, Washington

The boys have taken up one of the booths and have plenty of food on the table.

BUSTER: It's just, why did Ray tell Lisa he's in love with her? Were they trying to get people talking? That's so cheap.

MANNY: Damn, man, review the movie on YouTube or something. It's not that deep.

RK: He has a point. I just don't understand why it needed to be in 3D. The show was never that good.

WILL: You know, guys, if you want to hang with us again, we can do something tomorrow night.

RK: Again? This was a one-time thing, we have no business being up this late.

BUSTER: Yeah, if we start making this a habit, I'm gonna end up sleeping in my locker.

MANNY: Look at it this way. You guys proved you can hang with us and be out late at night. Tomorrow, we could start getting into some real fun.

RK: We'll see, but if we end up cancelling, don't question it.

EMPLOYEE: Hey kids. Why are you here this late? Don't you have school in the morning?

RK: Don't you have bypass surgery in the morning, tubby?

The Wendy's employee simply looks disappointed and walks away while Manny and Will laugh.

BUSTER: That was a cheap shot, man.

RK: I didn't even want to take it there, but it felt like he was testing me.

SCENE 11

The MacDougal Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

The next night, Sparky is wiping down the coffee table when Bitch Clock walks in from the kitchen.

BITCH CLOCK: What's the occasion? Are you and Halley about to have an evening delight?

SPARKY: Please tell me that's not sexual.

BITCH CLOCK: At your age, no. At my age, it's happy birthday.

SPARKY: I'm hosting the very first neighborhood watch meeting tonight.

BITCH CLOCK: The neighborhood watch? For what? We don't need anybody watching this block.

SPARKY: We were just robbed, along with 85% of the people who live near us. Do you not notice our TV is still missing?

BITCH CLOCK: I already told you that I could get you a new TV.

SPARKY: No offense, Bitch Clock, but I don't need your drug buddies to get me a TV that just fell off the truck this morning.

BITCH CLOCK: Well, how else do you expect us to get it? The legal way? We're not ready to deal with undercover cops, man.

SPARKY: Don't worry about it. We can manage from now until the cops find our stuff, but I just want that cat burglar off the streets. You can stay if you want.

BITCH CLOCK: You really think it's a good idea for an alcoholic ex-con to be around a neighborhood watch?

SPARKY: Yeah, you're right. Having you around would be like having Roseanne around a Twitter account.

SCENE 12

The MacDougal Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

Later on, Sparky's living room is filled with members of his neighborhood, alongside Wade and Jaylynn.

SPARKY: Alright, everybody, thank you for coming to the first ever neighborhood watch meeting. I have my friends and advisors here, Wade Saltalamacchia and Jaylynn Hernandez.

MR. FUTCH: Do they live on this block?

SPARKY: No.

MR. FUTCH: Then why are they here? You ever see Packers fans at a Chicago Bears rally?

SPARKY: No.

MR. FUTCH: Yeah, because they don't belong there and neither do these kids.

JAYLYNN: I bet his breath smells like shit.

WADE: How can you tell?

JAYLYNN: It's all in the attitude. You can tell his mouth just tastes like onion soup and Newports.

KAITLYN: Mr. Futch, Sparky went to a lot of trouble to put together this meeting, so could you please cooperate?

MR. FUTCH: Oh, I don't have a problem with the boy. It's these damn kids I can't stand. Where did you find friends like that, Sparky? The Burger King Kids Club commercials?

SPARKY: Please don't reference things nobody remembers or understands. Okay, so the first order of business is to assign the role of neighborhood watch captain. This person will be in charge of keeping the block safe from intruders.

BARRY: Could I do it?

SPARKY: Well, Mr. Starks, how do you think you can protect our neighborhood?

BARRY: Well, when you've tried out for a few NFL teams like I did, you can definitely show some cat burglar what it's all about.

MR. FUTCH: What it's all about? You're 45, will you cut it out with this homeboy hippity hoppity slang?

BARRY: What did you say about my speech, you racist piece of shit?

MR. FUTCH: I said, I couldn't understand that beautiful speech of yours. I wasn't paying attention.

BARRY: You'll pay attention when I put these lumps in your damn head, don't try it with me again.

MR. FUTCH: You're right, I didn't know. I'm a piece of shit, I know.

KAITLYN: So, Sparky, will this be a rotating position?

SPARKY: Not right now, because I want to see how Mr. Starks does for a while. If we keep it consistent, we won't have to worry about it too much.

MARTHA: You said there would be lemon squares here. These are Rice Krispie treats.

JAYLYNN: Sparky never said that. You eat what's provided for you.

MARTHA: Yeah, but I hate Rice Krispies. My ex-husband ate them the day he divorced me.

JAYLYNN: Well, if you didn't see it coming, it's not Sparky's fault.

*to Sparky* WADE: I never knew your neighborhood had so many interesting characters.

SPARKY: I didn't know either. I heard Mr. Futch used to be part of the KKK so I don't talk to a lot of people here.

SCENE 13

Ken Griffey Jr. Park

Interior Basketball Court

Seattle, Washington

Late at night, RK and Buster are playing basketball against Manny and Will. RK dribbles past Manny and passes the ball to Buster to avoid Will blocking his shot, but Will ends up denying the point from Buster anyway.

BUSTER: Oh, come on! You're not even making it fair.

WILL: The basketball court is my battlefield. Anybody who comes near it can't survive it.

RK: Okay, so your blocking is A1, but get a load of my three-point shot. Buster, may I?

Buster passes the ball to RK and he dribbles a few times before attempting to make the basket.

RK: CURRY!

RK tries to shoot from the three-point line, but the ball sails right over the hoop and into Buster's hands.

MANNY: You know, if you start playing for Golden State, they might not make the Finals this season.

BUSTER: Man, this is so much fun. I never thought basketball at night could be this exciting.

RK: I know, right? You guys knew what you were talking about.

WILL: Told you. Being out late at night is like getting opportunities you never knew you had.

MANNY: Yeah, and you haven't even seen the half of it. Seattle's like a different place at night.

BUSTER: What do you mean?

SCENE 14

("Midnight" by A Tribe Called Quest plays in the background)

The boys continue their late-night trips around Seattle. Buster and RK notice that several stores are open 24 hours, including grocery stores as they happily go shopping for half-priced items while Manny and Will give them weird looks. The boys also begin driving around the city faster than usual due to less people on the streets. They go to corner stores, diners, and laundromats all over the city in an attempt to take advantage of the 24-hour rule. One night, Buster and RK take on Manny and Will in a street race. However, after moving through multiple people on the highway, they notice police cars on their tail. Manny and Will see the police cars and drive into an undisclosed location. Buster and RK are forced to pull over, and when they get out of the car, RK falls to the ground believing that he was shot by the police when there were no guns drawn at all.

SCENE 15

The Jennings Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

The next morning, RK and Buster are being scolded by KG.

KG: I can't believe this. Speeding tickets? Street racing, constant late nights, shitty grades at school? Are you kidding me?!

BUSTER: I don't see why that last thing's a problem.

KG: I should whip out the belt right now. You guys are playing with fire doing all this late-night stuff. Believe me, it's not that exciting.

BUSTER: That's what you think. Have you ever eaten a donut from Dunkin Donuts fresh out of the oven?

KG: No.

BUSTER: You would have if you stayed out late.

RK: Look, KG, I know we got a little out of hand last night, but we've got it under control. From now on, we'll keep it cleaner than Jerry Seinfeld's stand-up.

KG: Oh no, I'm cutting this off at the source. You guys can't hang out after hours anymore. No way, if you two want some excitement at one in the morning, you can fall asleep watching Nick at Nite like everyone else.

BUSTER: But Nick at Nite's wack. Why would we trade in the cool night air for nine hours of white people and George Lopez?

KG: Oh, you want some entertainment? Is that it? Because you're gonna feel pretty damn entertained when I put my FOOT IN YOUR ASS!

BUSTER: NO!

RK: KG, KG, brother, please, let's be gentlemen about this. If you don't want us staying out anymore, we won't. But just so we're clear, what would happen if we did stay out again?

KG: Well, you can't hang out with the guys until I say so, I take away your TV and video games. It's going to start being like Coyote Ridge in this bitch.

RK: NO! NOT EARL! We've learned our lesson, KG. No more staying out late.

KG: Alright. And I didn't even have to use the belt this time. You know what, RK? I shouldn't blame you for the whole thing. I know this punk is influencing you.

RK: You really believe Buster convinced me to do this stuff? Buster?

KG: I've already told myself that he did. Don't try and change my mind.

KG walks into the kitchen.

BUSTER: I knew your brother hated me. I guess it was just a matter of time until the truth came out.

RK: Buster, we have an addiction. An addiction to late-night adventures. I think if we want to see the rest of our lives, we have to make a change.

BUSTER: You're right. Manny and Will can find some other kids to be fake friends with. But why do you think KG hates me, really? Is this because I ate his Pop Tarts without asking?

RK gives Buster an annoyed look.

SCENE 16

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Hallway

Seattle, Washington

Buster and RK walk up to Sparky, Wade, and Jaylynn later that morning.

RK: Hey guys.

SPARKY: Wait, we're talking?

RK: Yeah. Why would we not talk?

JAYLYNN: I don't know, it feels like we haven't seen you guys in a while.

BUSTER: Yeah, we could say the same about you.

Beat.

KIDS: Interesting.

SPARKY: So, you guys got caught speeding late last night? How the hell did that happen?

RK: We didn't want to spend the rest of our lives being called Chicken Boys.

JAYLYNN: What?

WADE: Guys, I get that you're having fun with Manny and Will, but you're going to get in some real trouble if you don't stop hanging out with them.

BUSTER: Yeah, we know. That's why KG told us to cut it out.

WADE: Oh. Because I was just trying to share some advice.

RK: Yeah, you were late. So, Sparks, how's the neighborhood watch going?

SPARKY: Eh, I'm thinking about getting rid of it. We haven't found the cat burglar yet and the police still haven't found any leads on all the stolen stuff.

RK: Well, you know how it is. The golden rule for every situation is to never trust cops.

BUSTER: Wait a minute. Wait one minute. RK, could I talk to you in private?

RK: Sure.

Buster and RK walk over to the side.

BUSTER: Okay, what I'm about to say might sound a little crazy, but I need you to hear me out.

RK: Buster, Buster, my boy. You're talking to a kid that's said and done a lot of crazy things in his day. Impress me.

BUSTER: I think you and I need to find that cat burglar and bring him to justice.

RK: Okay, I knew this day was coming. It's time for me to use the words of the illustrious Wade. *clears throat* I think I know the best way we can put your plan into action.

BUSTER: Really? What is it?

RK: By never putting it into action. Ever.

BUSTER: RK, come on. Right now, our group is falling apart. Doing this will help find the guy that took away Sparky's stuff, save his neighborhood, and make us heroes.

RK: We won't be able to enjoy being heroes after KG commits first-degree murder on us.

BUSTER: Then it would have been for a worthy cause.

RK: Dude, we can't sneak out late at night to find some psycho cat burglar. We have no idea where we can find him. And even if we do, he might end up clawing our eyes out.

BUSTER: We can team up with Manny and Will to help cover more ground.

RK: Oh yeah, that's the cherry on top of the bullshit cake. Let's seek help from Rocket Man and Peanut Butter Starship Boy.

BUSTER: Who are you talking about?

RK: I DON'T KNOW, I MADE THEM UP! Look, either way, this is a terrible idea. If we go through with this, we could end up getting into some real trouble.

BUSTER: What happened to you, man? This isn't the RK that I know and love. The one who would rather sit on the sidelines and watch things happen than make them happen. That's not you. I thought you were an asskicker.

RK: I still am, but this is too much. It's irresponsible. Wait, what kind of Boy Scout crap am I spewing right now? Okay, Newman, you're on! But this is the last time we stay out late. We take that burglar to justice, we bask in the glow of heroism, and then we're out of the game for good.

BUSTER: Alright. Let's go find Manny and Will.

RK and Buster nod towards each other and walk away as the rest of the guys watch them with confusion.

SPARKY: Did they forget they were talking to us?

JAYLYNN: I don't like all the time they're spending together.

SCENE 17

The Jennings Household

Interior RK's Bedroom

Seattle, Washington

RK is giving out another whiteboard presentation, this time with Manny and Will.

RK: Alright, guys, the plan tonight is to catch the cat burglar in the act. He's been terrorizing neighborhoods all over town for weeks, but he's never been caught. Unfortunately for him, he's going to be in the middle of an RK & Buster signature moment.

WILL: Wouldn't it be an RK, Buster, Manny, and Will signature moment?

RK: Shut up. Buster, stop commercializing my thing!

BUSTER: I had to give them a reason to come!

MANNY: RK, your plan is trash, man. How are we going to spy on a cat burglar when he can see and hear everything?

RK: Manny, have you ever committed a crime?

MANNY: No. Have you?

RK: No, because those who can do and those who can't teach. And I know that the only thing most criminals care about is the crime and getting away with it. They're so focused on the crime, they ignore everybody who's watching them do the crime. That's where we come in.

RK points his ruler towards crudely drawn caricatures of the four boys.

RK: Tonight, we're going to do a stake out. We're going to disguise ourselves, and follow the cat burglar around Sparky's neighborhood. Once we have him in position, we trap him, and bring him to the precinct, dead or alive.

WILL: Aren't you worried about your brother? You know, since he said you couldn't hang out late at night anymore?

RK: No, I'm more worried about you two dicks because you let us take all the f***ing heat. I have a plan for KG. It might be the greatest plan I've ever come up with.

SCENE 18

The Jennings Household

Interior RK's Bedroom

Seattle, Washington

RK: I don't have a plan for KG.

BUSTER: But you said...

RK: I have to make sure I'm always on point around people! When you start dating again, you'll understand.

SCENE 19

The MacDougal Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

Sparky has arranged another neighborhood watch.

SPARKY: Guys, I hate to disappoint you, but this is the last neighborhood watch meeting.

The neighbors all groan.

SPARKY: Look, it's a really bad situation, but we haven't even come close to finding the guy and the cops haven't helped any. Mr. Starks, I thought you were patrolling the block.

BARRY: I was! What you should do is ask this old pasty motherf***er why I haven't made any progress.

SPARKY: Mr. Futch, do you know anything about this?

MR. FUTCH: Look, Barry's just drunk again. He doesn't know what he's talking about.

BARRY: I do know what I'm talking about.

MR. FUTCH: Are you sure it's not just the wine talking?

Bitch Clock immediately runs out of the attic.

BITCH CLOCK: Did someone drink Virginia Magnolias? WHICH ONE OF YOU BASTARDS STOLE MY FORMULA?!

SPARKY: Bitch Clock, this has nothing to do with you.

BITCH CLOCK: Of course, it doesn't.

Bitch Clock leaves the room and goes back into the attic.

KAITLYN: I really should stop eating brownies after midnight.

SPARKY: Mr. Futch, what is Mr. Starks talking about?

MR. FUTCH: Look, maybe I gave the man some drinks and he got so liquored up, he couldn't even remember what street he was supposed to watch. And maybe I gave him these drinks to make you think he was an ineffective leader. But why even put that in the air?

SPARKY: I can't believe this! There's a burglar running the streets and you thought this was a good idea?!

MR. FUTCH: Of course I did. You should have made me the neighborhood watch captain in the first place. Everyone knows I'm the most qualified.

KAITLYN: What about me?

MR. FUTCH: Yeah, right. How could a woman run the block? What are you going to do, twirl your hair and put gloss on your lips?

KAITLYN: You old, crusty shit, I'll kill you!

SPARKY: Alright, this was clearly a big fat failure. Everybody go back home to your own lives and Martha, please go easy on the snacking. Eating your feelings won't make your husband come back.

Cut to Martha dropping a Fudge Stripe cookie on her plate. Jaylynn takes it and eats it herself as Martha watches her.

JAYLYNN: What? They sell these at Walgreens for five bucks, buy a pack.

SCENE 20

The Jennings Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

Later that night, RK is trying on different ski masks to wear during the stake out. He then puts on a Rey Mysterio mask.

RK: Wait, when did I even buy this?

RK tosses the mask to the side when Buster walks downstairs.

BUSTER: RK, I can't go. *coughs* I have a really bad cold.

RK: Look, if you're having second thoughts about this, that's fine, but don't come here with that fake shit like I'm Booboo the Fool.

BUSTER: Who's Booboo the Fool?

RK: Buster, you don't live in my house so I can teach you things Mr. Frax should be teaching you. Now, what's going on?

BUSTER: I'm just thinking this plan might not work out. What if that cat burglar has a gun? He'll smoke us in the street.

RK: I have a gun, he might have a gun. We'll call it even.

BUSTER: How can you be so calm about this? You were the one who was worried about us getting in trouble.

RK: That's true. But Buster, whenever I have a plan in place, I have to see it through. I can't just give up on it without trying. Even if it doesn't work out, at least I know I did my best.

BUSTER: You say the most beautiful things, man.

RK: Don't worry, dude. With any luck, this plan will go smoothly, and we'll be back on Sparky's couch in no time.

BUSTER: I hope our plan for KG works out too.

RK: Trust me. He won't be a problem, either. As long as Mrs. Tuxedo Pants holds him down, everything will be peaches and cream.

BUSTER: You can talk to your cat too? Why didn't you tell me before?!

RK gives Buster a bored look.

SCENE 21

iCarly Elementary School

Exterior Entrance

Seattle, Washington

Manny and Will are waiting for RK and Buster to arrive when RK's car pulls up. RK and Buster walk out.

RK: Why did you want us to meet you guys at school?

MANNY: We needed a place where no one would expect you two to be at night.

BUSTER: What's that supposed to mean? Are you calling us dumb?!

RK: Buster, don't worry about it. At the end of the day, Manny is insulting himself just as much.

WILL: Look, can we just go over the plan again so we don't look like idiots?

RK: It's simple. We're going to drive around Sparky's neighborhood like the cops would do, and we're going to catch that cat burglar stealing a computer or a can of cat food or something. We trap him, and bring him to the cops where we become heroes.

BUSTER: Or we get shot in the head.

RK gives Buster an angry look.

BUSTER: What? This isn't all sunshine and rainbows, man, we could die!

WILL: Let's just get this over with.

MANNY: Yeah, I shouldn't be up this late anyway. I have a cello lesson in the morning...which I didn't just mention.

RK: I don't give a shit about what you have to do in the morning.

SCENE 22

("Thief's Theme" by Nas plays in the background)

The four boys put on their ski masks and walk towards RK's car. They then get inside the car and begin nodding to each other. The cat burglar, meanwhile, is walking out of a house with a large garbage bag full of items to store inside his truck. He runs into another house while RK's car arrives in Sparky's neighborhood and the patrol begins. Interspersed are clips of a crazed Bitch Clock wearing a scientist's lab coat in the attic trying to recreate the recipe for Virginia Magnolias. The cat burglar walks out of the house and sees RK's car driving by. The burglar ignores it, but then notices that the car is following him and he begins running. At that point, RK puts the gas on and begins speeding in an attempt to catch the burglar. The cat burglar tries to run towards his truck which contains the stolen items, but sees that it is being towed away by an absentminded tow truck driver. He then drops the stolen items on the ground and runs away to avoid getting caught, but the high-speed chase continues.

SCENE 23

The Jennings Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

KG is watching TV while Mrs. Tuxedo Pants sits near him.

KG: You know, I'm starting to wonder if I was too harsh on RK and Buster. I mean, I was just looking out for them. And this is my house. I pay the electric bill. Okay, I don't pay any bills but I should still see if we're cool.

KG begins walking towards the stairs when Mrs. Tuxedo Pants meows.

KG: Hey, girl, what's wrong? You hungry?

Mrs. Tuxedo Pants walks further towards him and hisses.

KG: Okay, I didn't know asking if you were hungry was a crime.

Mrs. Tuxedo Pants begins scratching KG's leg.

KG: GAH! You bitch! You should have been put down last New Year's like I wanted!

There is an awkward pause as KG realizes that he said something inappropriate, and then screams as Mrs. Tuxedo Pants chases him upstairs in an attempt to attack him. He then runs into RK's room, turns on the lights, and locks the door while catching his breath.

KG: RK, you gotta do something about your psycho cat! She's lost her mind!

RK (V.O.): KG, I heard you the first time. I'll clean it up. God, why are you always on my back?

BUSTER (V.O.): He doesn't respect your manhood.

RK (V.O.): He doesn't, and that's why I can't understand kids today. I mean, these children are just so petty towards their siblings and it makes me sick. This is America, man. This is the country we live in today.

KG: What the f***? Buster doesn't sleep in here.

KG walks over to RK's bed and opens the blanket to reveal a tape recorder with pictures of RK and Buster attached to it.

KG: THEY SNUCK OUT AGAIN?!

KG angrily walks to the door and opens it, but ends up getting attacked by Mrs. Tuxedo Pants. RK and Buster's conversation continues over KG's screaming.

BUSTER (V.O.): So, RK, what do you think KG's gonna do if he finds this tape?

RK (V.O.): I don't know, man. I just didn't think I would get so personal on this.

BUSTER (V.O.): Yeah, me neither. I haven't even told my teddy bear some of these secrets.

SCENE 24

The kids are still chasing down the burglar through the streets of Seattle.

RK: This is crazy. We still haven't caught the guy yet?

BUSTER: I think we lost him when he jumped over that Nissan and ran past the Pizza Hut.

WILL: Trust me, he won't be anywhere we can't find him.

At that point, Buster gets a call. He lets the phone ring a couple of times without looking at it.

MANNY: You're not gonna get that?

BUSTER: In the middle of an action-packed chase? Fine, if you're going to force me. Buster takes a look at the caller ID. Hmmm, interesting. Buster picks up the phone. Oh, hey KG, what's going down?

KG: BUSTER, WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU AND RK?!

BUSTER: Trying to catch the cat burglar, geez.

KG: A cat burglar?! Dude, I swear, I'm gonna...

Buster hangs up.

BUSTER: He needs to start doing yoga.

RK: Wait, there he is! He's headed for the Carl's Jr.!

MANNY: Well, stop driving like a pussy and kill him!

RK: I'm not killing him, you jackass!

MANNY: Well, I will. Give me the wheel!

RK: Hands off the merchandise! You're gonna crash us!

RK and Manny fight for control of the wheel, which causes the car to swerve and end up ramming the cat burglar directly into the wall of the Carl's Jr. restaurant.

WILL: Did we just kill him?

RK: I think we did.

Beat.

RK: F***ing Manny.

Manny slaps RK in the back of his head, which causes RK to punch him in his face.

SCENE 25

Carl's Jr.

Exterior Entrance

Seattle, Washington

A large crowd has gathered near the Carl's Jr. as police inspect the scene of the incident. RK and Buster look traumatized.

BUSTER: Maybe this isn't so bad. Maybe everything will be okay.

RK: Dude, we stayed out late, took part in a high-speed chase, almost caused property damage, and killed a man. What the hell do you think is going to happen to us?.

BUSTER: We'll get a cash reward?

RK gives Buster another angry look. At that point, a cop walks up to them.

COP: So you boys were responsible for this?

BUSTER: Manny and Will too, but I think they ran away.

RK: Look, sir, we did a terrible thing, but please don't take us to jail. I can't get shanked on the first day and drink fruit punch from the toilet! I can't!

COP: Boys, please, relax. We're not taking you to jail. We're commending you.

BUSTER: But we just killed somebody.

COP: Yeah, the cat burglar. He's been menacing Seattle for weeks. If you hadn't compromised him, who knows what else he would have gotten into?

RK: So, where's all the stuff he jacked?

COP: Oh, some tow truck driver picked up the vehicle he used to abscond with the items. Everything's going back to their owners by tomorrow morning.

RK: I can't believe this. In that case, when do we get our cash reward?

SPARKY (V.O.): BUSTER! RK!

BUSTER: I think we're about to get shanked right now.

Sparky, Wade, Jaylynn, and KG walk up to the boys.

SPARKY: Guys, are you okay? We found out about the whole thing on TV.

BUSTER: Yeah, we're fine.

JAYLYNN: Will you two please stop hanging out after dark? We don't want to lose you.

RK: Don't worry, Jaylynn, we learned our lesson. Late night adventures are like crack. They're only really good the first time.

WADE: Please don't tell me you guys have been smoking something too.

BUSTER: KG, are you going to beat us?

KG: You know, I was planning to, but you guys did end up killing a burglar, which means everyone on Sparky's block will get all their stuff back. So, I guess there's some good with the bad.

RK: And we're not getting grounded either! Buster, you were right!

KG: Oh, I never said that. You guys are getting grounded into Texas beef.

RK: Shit, why do I have to talk so damn much?

SPARKY: You know, it's a really nice night out. Why do we have to go home?

WADE: Because it's 1:56 in the morning and we have school later today?

JAYLYNN: It's Saturday morning.

WADE: Oh. What calendar was I looking at?

KG: You guys wanna drive around?

SPARKY: Sure, why not?

("Street Dreams (Remix)" by Nas featuring R. Kelly plays in the background)

RK gets inside his car and KG and Buster follow him. RK begins driving off into the night as there is an aerial view of the city. Sparky's car slowly follows RK's car, and as they drive off out of sight, the end credits appear over the scene while the "Street Dreams" remix continues playing in the background. Fade to black.

POST-CREDITS GAG

The MacDougal Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

Some time later, Sparky is watching TV when Bitch Clock runs out of the attic holding a flask.

BITCH CLOCK: Alright, Sparky, this is it. I've spent days and nights perfecting it, but this is it. The finished product of Virginia Magnolias.

SPARKY: You know, the cops brought back the prototype. And you're not even going to face jail time.

BITCH CLOCK: Please, that junk was just the first draft. Okay, here we go.

Bitch Clock takes a drink from his flask, and then looks pissed off.

BITCH CLOCK: Are you kidding me?! I just remade some Chardonnay I had in the attic?!

SPARKY: How is that possible?

BITCH CLOCK: Wait, it's all coming back to me. I was really drunk that one night and made my own Chardonnay. So I really didn't have my own million dollar recipe.

SPARKY: I guess not. Did you at least learn something from all this?

BITCH CLOCK: Yeah. All this time I spent sober trying to make Chardonnay, I could have gotten plastered off some f***ing Chardonnay!

Beat.

SPARKY: I really think you need a job.

©2018 ANDERSON PRODUCTIONS