Notes: I absolutely, positively CANNOT focus lately. Here's one of the things that's been floating around in my head and just had to come out. It's probably been done a million times, but here's my version of it.
Way Too Inappropriate
"Hey, don't you think Bakugou's way too uptight?" Kaminari asked Kirishima as they were trying to solve some sort of puzzle Principal Nezu had given them. It was time for class activities and while everyone else was out training their quirks in a way more action-oriented way, these two had to work on decrypting this weird device the principal had conjured up by using their quirks strategically. Needless to say, Kaminari wasn't as focused as he should've been.
"I know what you mean," Kirishima said, studying the contraption. "His personality is a little less 'explosive' than when we first met him, but he's still pretty tightly wound."
Kaminari nodded. "I've been thinking that maybe he just doesn't masturbate enough."
"Is that all you think about? The state of everyone's sexual health? Because last week you told me that I couldn't maintain my Hardening quirk because I was probably masturbating too much."
The blond chuckled. "That sounds like something I'd say. Did you take my advice?"
Kirishima blushed a little and stared at the puzzle. "Yeah. I haven't done it since you mentioned it and my quirk's been lasting longer."
"See? I'm, like, a life hack genius or something," Kaminari said.
There was yelling from halfway across the training grounds and both of the teens knew exactly who it was. It was Bakugou and they couldn't be sure if he was yelling at someONE or someTHING.
"Now all we have to do is get him to wank more often and I bet he'll calm down by at least thirty percent," Kaminari estimated. "Maybe even more."
Kirishima looked confused. "Where did you get that number?"
He shrugged. "I don't know. But do you really wanna doubt the guy who made you harder longer?"
The redhead cringed.
"That question really did sound as bad as I thought it sounded," Kaminari mumbled.
Obviously the two guys didn't finish the puzzle Nezu gave them before the end of class activities and their punishment would be to work on it during activity time with no help from anyone until they actually solved it. Which meant that they wouldn't be able to train physically until after they were done with it. Real bummer.
But they had bigger fish to fry at the moment. And that was why Kaminari invited Kirishima to his dorm room and locked the door.
"Okay, listen. I've got a bunch of gag gifts that I'd planned on passing out during Christmas, but I think one of them would be perfect for 'Mission: Bakugou, Calm Down'," Kaminari said with a grin. He opened his closet and started rummaging through a box.
Kirishima tried to look over Kaminari's shoulder to see what he was doing, but he couldn't see inside the closet. " 'Mission: Bakugou, Calm Down', huh? That's a very straightforward mission name. But I can't imagine that some gag gift would be enough to actually calm Bakugou down."
"Sure it will. As long as he doesn't take it as a gag. That's where YOU come in," Kaminari said, still sifting through his box of fake presents.
The redhead frowned. "I'm completely lost, Kaminari. What are you talking about?"
"I said that he needs to masturbate more, right?" the shorter teen said. He finally emerged from his closet, holding up one of the gag gifts. "Ta daaaaa!"
"What is that? A broken toy light saber?" Kirishima asked, moving closer to his friend.
Kaminari pointed it at Kirishima and the redhead narrowed his eyes and took a few steps back. "It's a fleshlight made like a mouth!" the blond said. "If he's not into using his hand, he can use this. And since it'll be a gift from you, he'll have to take it seriously, right?"
"A gift from me?! He'll kill me for even suggesting using something like that!"
"No, he won't. Here's what you do..."
Kirishima stood in front of Bakugou's door holding a gift bag with the so-called 'solution' to 'Mission: Bakugou, Calm Down'. (More like the solution to 'Mission: Get Eijirou Killed',) the redhead thought. (I can't believe I agreed to do this. Giving Bakugou something like this seems way too inappropriate. But...I DID agree to it. And a man's not a man if he doesn't keep his word.)
After knocking on the door, Kirishima was greeted by Bakugou: "What do you want?" Yeah, that passed as a Bakugou greeting.
"I come bearing gifts. Mind if I come in?" Kirishima said with his usual sharp-toothed grin.
Bakugou moved aside so the redhead could step into his room. "Gifts? What for?"
"Just a generous offering from one man to another. And only the manliest of men will accept such a thoughtful gift," Kirishima said, his voice unsteady. (He'll kill me once he sees what it is! Why can't I just leave before he takes it out?) He courageously handed over the gift bag anyway.
The blond narrowed his eyes at Kirishima, who was standing before him, unflinching. Then he pulled out the fleshlight and, as if that weren't enough, a bottle of lube. "What the hell is this?"
"A fleshlight and a bottle of lube," Kirishima explained, surprised by his own bravery.
"I know what it is! Why the hell are you giving it to me?"
Kirishima struggled to remember the speech he and Kaminari had come up with for that very question. "Because as men and as heroes, we must remain in a healthy state of mind. And a healthy state of mind can't be achieved unless we have a healthy body to go with it. Those will help keep your body healthy and your mind clear." It sounded like a bad advertisement now that he was saying it out loud.
Bakugou frowned at the redhead and threw the 'gifts' on his bed. "That's the stupidest shit I've ever heard. And between Dunceface Electric Boy and Nerdface Deku, I've heard a lot of stupid shit."
"But Bakugou, are you really doing it often enough?" Kirishima couldn't believe he was asking something like that, even though that was the whole reason he was there. "I mean, it's really not good for you if you hold it in all the time."
"What? Are you a doctor now? How often I get myself off has nothing to do with you or anybody else. I've got better things to do with my time than play with myself," Bakugou practically growled. He thought for a moment, then narrowed his eyes at Kirishima again. "What the hell makes you think I don't do it enough anyway?"
"N-nothing," Kirishima said, holding his hands up defensively. "Listen, just keep them. They'll be around if you ever need them. And if you don't need them, then that's okay too. I'm not trying to pry or anything."
"You started prying when you gave me the stupid things," Bakugou muttered. "Now, if that's all you came to tell me, you can go."
Kirishima tried his best not to look hurt. "Alright. See you later."
Back in his room, Kirishima flopped down on his bed and sent a text to Kaminari: 'Mission: Bakugou, Calm Down' was a total failure. He wouldn't even listen to me.
Kaminari: I don't know what I expected. Sorry to send you on that fool's errand.
Well, it was worth a try. And who knows? He might end up using it at some point. He did keep it, after all.
Kaminari: He kept it? I was sure he'd shove it up your nose and send you on your way.
Kirishima frowned at his phone. Really? You knew it would be a bad reaction and you sent me to do it anyway.
Kaminari: Well, I thought you knew too! He's YOUR best friend, after all. Besides, that was what I expected as the worst case scenario. I didn't actually expect him to blow you up and toss you out of the window as an initial course of action. I thought he'd be reasonable and listen to his friend.
Anyway, it's our jobs as heroes and as men to try to help our friend, even if he doesn't want that help. So, on his behalf, thanks for trying, Kirishima sent.
Kaminari: Anytime, Bro!
Kirishima put his phone on his nightstand and sighed. That had been quite the ordeal. Not only was it embarrassing to talk to his friend about something so personal, but it had also been embarrassing to give him something so personal. He never should've gone along with that plan in the first place. Taking care of one's own sexual health had nothing to do with anyone besides that person. And if it was something Bakugou wanted to talk about, he could just bring it up himself.
Later that night, Kirishima kept hearing a strange sound coming from the other side of his dorm room wall. It sounded like quiet moans coming from Bakugou's room. He sat up in his bed and raised his eyebrows. (Man, these walls are thinner than I thought,) he said to himself.
Was Bakugou hurt? Or maybe he was sick? The redhead was considering checking up on him until he heard something else.
"Yeah, suck it," Bakugou could barely be heard murmuring. "Suck it, Deku."
(Crap! Did I just hear what I thought I heard?) Kirishima asked himself. He wanted to cover his ears to keep from hearing all the lewd sounds coming from Bakugou's room, but he was also curious. (Is Midoriya in there with him?) He'd only heard Bakugou's voice so far.
Then again, if his mouth was busy, Midoriya probably couldn't make much noise. (What am I thinking?!)
Kirishima lay back in his bed and stared blankly at the dark ceiling, still listening to Bakugou's grunts and moans and still listening for any indication that Midoriya might actually be in there with him. However, he heard no such indication.
(Does that mean Bakugou likes Midoriya? That would explain a lot,) Kirishima thought with a silent chuckle.
"Gonna cum. Gonna cum down your throat, you fucking nerd," Kirishima heard Bakugou babble through the wall.
(Okay, this is a bit much. I should probably start wearing earplugs,) Kirishima thought, putting his pillow over his head and trying his best to fall asleep. Despite being curious, he wasn't ready to hear stuff like that.
"Have you noticed that Bakugou's been pretty quiet today?" Kaminari asked Kirishima once homeroom was over.
Kirishima cringed. (That's probably because he used the fleshlight last night,) he thought. But he knew that that was way too private of a matter for him to discuss.
"Yeah, I'd say he's about thirty percent quieter than usual," Kaminari said, looking back at Kirishima.
Kirishima looked at Kaminari, surprise written all over his face. (Does he know?)
"What? He's still a guy, right? He was probably at least a little curious. That's why he kept it instead of giving it back," Kaminari told him with a smirk.
(Man, Kaminari acts like an idiot sometimes, but he's actually pretty smart,) Kirishima said. He reached into his backpack and pulled out the puzzle Principal Nezu had given them. "Well, if you can figure out something as complicated as all that, this thing should be pretty easy for you."
Notes: Okay, so that made little to no sense whatsoever, but at least it's out of my system.