Disclaimer: I do not own Gundam Wing (sadly), nor do I make any money by writing this. The lyrics and song performed in the fic belong to the band The Cab, and are from a song titled "Bounce". The title of this fic is taken from the song of the same name by The Academy Is…
Beta'd by the lovely themanwell!
Note: I've wanted to write a fic concerning FTM (or Female-to-Male) transitioning for a long time, but I couldn't really decide how to go about writing it. For this fic, I drew inspiration from author frk_werewolf 's You Only See What I Let You See, a Panic! At the Disco trans!fic written on LiveJournal back in 2008. I was also inspired by The Chains We Wear by LadyKeinKhan on Adult Fan Fiction/Ahsim on Ao3, though it's quite different. If you decide to read The Chains We Wear, PLEASE read all of the warnings listed. Saying that it's rough is an understatement. Also, please keep in mind that I am not an expert by any means in transitioning, and though I did plenty of research beforehand, research only gets you so far. Any and all constructive criticism is welcome.
Another note: In this 'verse, the five guys were born 1989-1990. Also, it's not mentioned yet, but the location that this fanfic takes place in is Denton, Texas, and the boys attend the University of North Texas, or UNT
Skeptics and True Believers- Chapter One
October 14, 2004
Something is wrong, Trina thought as she and Quatre sat on the floor of her best friend's bedroom, schoolbooks spread out around them as they attempted to work together on a World Geography assignment. Quatre had been biting at his lower lip since they arrived at the house after school and Trina knew something was up with him. She couldn't put her finger on it, but she knew there was something on his mind that he wanted to talk about.
"Quatre."
Quatre jerked his head up from the textbook in his lap, having been staring at it with his brows furrowed without really reading anything for a good five minutes.
"Huh?"
Trina shook her head and smiled softly, her chestnut bangs hanging slightly over one of her eyes. "If you keep staring like that, you're gonna burn a hole through the textbook. What's wrong?"
Quatre flushed and ducked his head, letting his blonde bangs fall over his face and hide his aquamarine colored eyes. "There's something I wanna tell you, but... I don't know."
Trina frowned a little. "Talk to me, Quat."
Quatre stared down at his lap, fiddling with his hands. "I'm not sure how to tell you this. I've been having these feelings for a while. I… I'm not sure I'm going to ever have a girlfriend."
Trina moved the textbook out of Quatre's lap and scooted closer on the carpet, ducking her head down so that she could see under Quatre's pale blonde bangs. His cheeks were pink and his eyes were watery, his teeth back to chewing his lower lip.
"I know." At Trina's words, Quatre instantly relaxed and reached over to squeeze his best friend's free hand. Trina squeezed back and sucked in a steadying breath, knowing that it was only fair to tell Quatre what she'd known about herself since she was a little kid but never acknowledged out-loud to anyone. She let her hand slip from Quatre's chin and looked away.
"Me neither."
Quatre chuckled. "Gee, there's nothing wrong with having a boyfriend!"
Trowa made a little distressed noise. "No, I mean, I if were with someone… they'd be a guy but I wouldn't be… they wouldn't have a girlfriend."
Quatre stayed quiet for a minute and moved so that Trina and he were face to face.
"Trina? What is it you're trying to say? I'm confused."
Trina winced. A surge of fear made her voice catch in the back of her throat. Trina swallowed hard and gathered her thoughts before lifting her head just enough to look at Quatre from behind her mess of light brown hair.
"I don't feel right. I don't belong in this body. It feels wrong." Trina didn't miss the confusion that filled Quatre's eyes or the way that he tilted his head slightly to the side.
"What do you mean 'it feels wrong'?"
The tall girl sitting across from Quatre gave him a tiny, scared smile. "I'm not supposed to be a girl, Quatre. I've known that since I was old enough to tell the difference between the other girls and boys." Trina was surprised she was able to keep her voice as steady as she did; she was terrified that she just lost her best friend for telling him about her gender dysphoria.
Trina watched Quatre's eyes widen. Sure, she was different than any other girl at school, but she doubted he expected her to identify as a boy. Her hands shook and her face was pale, and fuck was she afraid. Quatre reached out and took her other trembling hand into his own, giving both hands a firm squeeze.
"If you feel like you're a boy, then that's who you are. You're my best friend, and I'm not going anywhere."
Trina took in a sharp breath and squeezed her very best friend's hands tightly. She gave the other boy a smile so wide it could've split her face, and for the first time she truly felt free.
January 17, 2009
Trowa hated his body.
Maybe not hate; hate was a bit too strong of a word to describe how he felt. But it most certainly felt wrong. The soft curve of his hips, the slightly fuller swell of his ass, and those breasts. It was those two lumps of excess fat on his chest that he couldn't stand more than anything. They weren't overly large, if anything they were average and perky; Trowa was a solid 32 B cup, though he hadn't actually worn a proper bra since early June. But the fact of the matter was that he wasn't supposed to have a body with breasts. He wasn't supposed to be female. And here he was, someone with a woman's body when his brain screamed male. And he'd be damned if he'd stay this way forever.
For as long as he could remember, Trowa knew that the body he was born into didn't match how he felt on the inside. When he was a child, it was something that scared the hell out of him, but he could manage. People took him for a tomboy and he was okay with that; he had absolutely no interest in girly things like Barbie dolls or playing dress-up with his mommy's clothes or makeup. Roughhousing with the boys in his grade had been no problem, and on the rare occasion that a boy decided Trowa couldn't play with them because he was a girl, the kid usually ended up with a black eye.
Then came the summer before starting sixth grade; he was going through a growth spurt, but along with it came other changes to his body. When middle school started that fall, all of the boys that had treated him as "one of the guys" suddenly became aware that even though Trowa was a tomboy, holy shit he had breasts now that they couldn't possibly ignore. Trowa hated the constant reminders of being female that his body gave him, from those stupid breasts right down to the monthly bleeding between his legs that other eleven-year-old girls would brag about starting.
Trowa stood in the bathroom of the apartment he shared with his roommate and stared at himself in the mirror above the sink. His light brown hair fell in an asymmetrical yet boyish hair cut, his bangs hanging over one of his forest green eyes. It was still messy from sleep, but nothing he couldn't handle fixing with a brush. Sighing to himself, Trowa ran the tips of his fingers over his right cheek, sliding his hand down his chin and neck. It wasn't very noticeable, but there was a definite "peach fuzz" of stubble beginning to grow. It had been about six months since he started his testosterone shots, and he was beginning to see and feel a change in his body. The biggest difference was his voice. Trowa never had a very high voice to begin with, but to him it was the one "tell" about himself that he couldn't really hide. Around those who weren't privy to his secret, he often kept conversation to a minimum. But in the last three months the tone of his voice had shifted down several pitches and Trowa couldn't be happier. His voice still had a bit of airiness to it, but otherwise it was a smooth tenor that didn't sound the least bit feminine.
He allowed his gaze to shift lower in the mirror, his lips pursed in a tight expression as he looked at the breasts he usually kept hidden from himself and the rest of the world. They stood there, bare and perky and still the same size that they were before starting his weekly injections. He had hoped that they would have started to shrink a little by now, but he knew that most of the changes his body needed to undergo wouldn't start happening for several more months. For now, Trowa had to settle with keeping them bound with a binding vest until either the T shrunk them down a bit or he could afford to have top surgery to remove his breasts. He tore his gaze away from the mirror and grabbed the nude binding fabric from where it lay on the vanity next to the faded grey tee he had slept in, having taken off the vest to sleep. With a few quick motions Trowa had the material zipped and secure, the swell of his breasts now successfully flat.
A sudden knock to the bathroom door nearly made Trowa jump out of his skin. He fumbled a little, tugging on his shirt before clearing his throat and opening the door. Quatre stood in the hallway with a bright smile on his face, clad in a pair of silk pajama pants and a loose fitting t-shirt and a spatula in hand. And from the smell wafting down the hallway, he had just finished making breakfast.
"Good morning, Trowa! Breakfast is ready, whenever you're hungry."
Trowa couldn't help but return his roommate's infectious smile. "Thanks, Quatre."
He and Quatre had been best friends since the start of high school just over four years ago, back when Trowa's name was still Trina, and ever since they moved into their two-bedroom apartment together during the summer, Quatre had made it a point to fix breakfast every morning before heading out to their college classes or band practice. Not that Trowa minded; Quatre loved to cook and Trowa could barely manage to scramble eggs without ruining the frying pan.
Trowa smoothed out his knee-length athletic shorts and shut off the bathroom light before following his roommate into the little dining area connected to the kitchen. Quatre had already set out two plates of pancakes and bacon and the carton of orange juice with two empty juice glasses sat waiting in the center of the rounded table. Trowa sat down and poured himself a glass of juice as well as one for his best friend standing in the kitchen nook, chatting animatedly on his cell. When Quatre hung up and sat across from Trowa, the taller boy was already chewing on a slice of bacon while cutting up his pancakes. Trowa swallowed and took a swig of his juice.
"What's up?"
"That was Wufei, and he said for us to come over an hour earlier for practice today. A friend of Heero's from his music theory class is auditioning."
Trowa made a surprised noise. Quatre and Trowa were in a band with Quatre's boyfriend Heero and their friend Wufei. Up until now Heero managed to handle singing along with playing the guitar, but he knew that he'd be better off choosing one or the other. So, at the beginning of the month they started searching for a new vocalist, and so far they hadn't had much luck. Any audition was welcome at this point.
"Yeah? What's his name?"
Quatre dug into his meal, careful not to make a mess. "Duo Maxwell, I think."
"Huh." Trowa shrugged. The two ate their breakfast in a comfortable silence, both wondering about how practice would turn out. When they were finished, they carried out their usual morning routine. Trowa would wash the dishes and cooking utensils while Quatre hopped into the shower, and every morning Trowa would be dressed and ready to go well before his roommate.
When Trowa and Quatre arrived at Wufei's house just before ten o'clock, Wufei stood outside the open garage door muttering to himself. "This damn thing better be worth getting woken up by Heero at seven am." Quatre laughed and patted Wufei on the shoulder lightly, Trowa carrying his bass guitar to the garage where the rest of the instruments were set up. So far, there was no sign of Heero or this Duo Maxwell character.
As if on cue, a red Jeep Wrangler pulled up in the vacant spot on the driveway, a boy with piercing blue eyes and short messy chocolate hair hopping out of the driver's seat. He walked over and let Quatre sneak in a tiny kiss to his lips. Another boy bounced out of the passenger seat of the Jeep and waved happily at the others. Trowa's heart nearly stopped as he turned around from setting up his guitar; the other boy was gorgeous. He donned a long brunette braid stopping just above his waist. He was clad in a purple V-neck tee and black skinny jeans that hugged his lower body in all the right places. But what nearly had Trowa gasping for air were the boys eyes, a beautiful cobalt blue with just a hint of violet. He'd never seen anything quite like it. Trowa swallowed and rubbed his hands on the outside thighs of his jeans and decided he'd better walk over to where the other four were standing.
The new boy rocked on the balls of his feet and grinned at the group. "Hi, I'm Duo Maxwell! Nice to meetcha!" He held his hand out to Trowa first, and the taller boy felt his throat go dry again as he shook Duo's hand.
"Likewise." Duo shook Wufei and Quatre's hands, chatting idly and getting to know his new companions. Apparently Heero had mentioned the group offhand when he brought up their band needing a singer, and it was clear Duo had all but jumped at the chance to set up an audition.
Wufei used a hand to cover up a yawn. "Alright, Maxwell. Let's see what you've got."
The five boys made their way into the large garage. Quatre turned on his keyboard and synthesizer, humming softly while the Heero and Trowa made sure their guitars were in tune and plugged into the amps. Wufei settled behind his drum kit, drumming out a quick rhythm. Quatre hooked up a microphone and handed it to Duo, giving him a soft smile. "Shall we start with a cover?"
Duo took the mic and smiled brightly. "Sure! Did you guys have something in mind?"
Heero adjusted his own microphone and shrugged. "How about 'Bounce?'"
Duo gave Heero a wolfish grin. "Liars do turn me on, after all." With a snort from Heero in response, Wufei tapped out the opening rhythm to the song.
Trowa nearly gasped when Duo started singing. His voice rolled out in a sultry baritone, sending shivers up Trowa's spine. He glanced over at Quatre, who looked just as surprised as Trowa at the beautiful voice coming out of the new guy. No one had expected him to sing so well, and for a moment even Heero and Wufei almost faulted with their instruments. By the first chorus of the song, the five were playing with such perfect sync that everyone knew this was the way it was meant to be; everything clicked.
At the last phrase of the song, Duo locked eyes with Trowa as he sang those words: "And when you use your lips, they better be on me." Trowa felt a shudder run through his body and his cheeks pinken, but he didn't turn his gaze from the other boy. They finished the song and Duo spun on his toes to face everyone. He wore the same impish grin from earlier as he took in everyone's expressions, a mix of happiness, satisfaction, and even a bit of surprise.
"So, did I pass?"
The other four boys exchanged glances, nodding in agreement. Quatre gave Duo a genuine smile. "Welcome to the band."
February 25, 2009
"Have you told him yet?"
Trowa jerked his head up from his biology textbook and looked at Wufei. Wufei didn't even look up from his notebook, his glasses resting on the bridge of his nose. He had come over to Trowa and Quatre's apartment under the guise of studying together for their upcoming midterm on Friday, but Trowa quickly realized that studying wasn't the only thing Wufei had in mind.
"Told him what?"
Wufei snorted. "You know damn well what I'm talking about, Barton."
Trowa sighed and crossed his arms, closing his eyes to avoid Wufei's gaze when the man looked up from his notes. "Not yet."
It had been almost six weeks since Duo had joined their band Sandrock, and things had been going as well as any of them could've hoped for. New music was finally getting written, as were lyrics, and all five guys often spent their time together on campus between classes. They were preparing for an upcoming gig at the campus pub the first week of March right before Spring Break, and it was no secret that Duo was the most excited. It was his first show with his new band mates. Their rapport was easy, perfect, and Trowa didn't want to ruin it. Not with Duo.
Wufei wasn't stupid. He knew there was a mutual attraction between Trowa and Duo, yet neither man said anything directly about it to one another. Before Duo had joined the band, Trowa had kept mostly to himself when the four would get together for practice or to write music. It wasn't that he wasn't comfortable around Heero or Wufei. He was; he was just naturally a quiet, low-key person. But since Duo has been around, Trowa had slowly started opening up a little bit more, adding more to their group conversations.
"Trowa. It's been six weeks. Heero and I knew almost instantly."
Trowa narrowed his eyes. "That was different, and you know it."
Wufei snorted and took off his glasses, setting them down with his notes and textbook.
Circumstances were different with Wufei and Heero finding out about Trowa's body. When they all met in August, Trowa had only been on testosterone for a little over a month and was still awkward with his beginning stages of transitioning. He tried to hide it, but his voice would crack at the most inopportune times; he felt and sounded like a young boy going through puberty. But for some reason, it didn't seem to faze Heero or Wufei a bit and they took his transitioning in stride.
"That may be so, but it doesn't change the fact that you need to tell him."
Trowa threw his hands up and let out an exasperated sigh. "What do you want me to say? 'Good morning, Duo. By the way, I'm transgendered, how's your day going?' Be realistic, Wufei." He slumped forward a little in his chair, letting his hands fall back onto the table. "What if he thinks I'm too much of a freak and quits?"
Wufei frowned and moved so he was sitting closer to Trowa. Trowa twitched a little when Wufei rested his hand on the other boy's left forearm, but didn't pull away from the touch. "You're not a freak." Wufei sighed and tucked a loose clump of his fine black hair behind his ear. "You're Trowa Barton, and you're a man. It's not your fault that you were born into the wrong body. And if Maxwell can't see past that, then we'll find a new singer."
Trowa gave Wufei a weak smile and ran his fingers through his hair.
"I guess you're right. But let me tell him on my own terms, okay? Right now, I just want to worry about this damn midterm and the show next week."
Their eyes briefly met, and Wufei sighed. "Fine. I just hope your plans don't turn around and bite you in the ass."