A/N: Since I was too lazy to write the third chapter of The Grim Reaper (KWMS Version) I've decided to write a one shot first while brainstorming new ideas. I don't own anything, okay? As for the plot... your call. :D
Dedication: To all those people who loves Angst and Tragedies. :D
Inspiration: Um, Ian Sangalang? Alex Mallari? Marc Pingris (Although he's already married)? FAI D. FLOWRIGHT—ooh, I love him! Aaand, Steven Yeun from The Walking Dead. Thanks to that series, it was able to keep me up at night to finish stories and assignments *shudders* *looks around frantically* *screaming my guts out!*
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I could never live without you, too.
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You feel nothing.
In fact, as you walked on the smooth road wearing your most comfortable flat shoes, you almost felt as though you were walking on clouds. Your head was floating; it almost felt as though your soul was trying to get off your body. The furious beating of your heart was just so furious and erratic and breathtaking that you could almost imagine yourself gasping for breath because it was just so suffocating all you ever wanted to do is allow the wind to carry you along with it and deliver your body somewhere where you don't have to feel anything at all.
The wind caressed the pretty skirt of your conservative dress. You weren't entirely sure why you still stick to his rules when you're not even a couple. But there was just something with the way he was saying things and lashing out orders on you that makes you obey him even if it wasn't a requirement. Your old workmates would laugh at you, wondering why you were so submissive when, back in the old days, you were the one bossing him around. You were a dominant figure in his life and you were always proud whenever he was saying that he would never be able to live without you.
And then he would throw in the same question: What about you, Ayuzawa? Will you be able to live without me, too?
You were known for your pride. No one has ever been able to make you bow down. Of course, you can live without him. You have live without him before, why would you cower and cry in a corner if a day suddenly starts going on without him around?
You could live without him.
You could definitely live without Usui Takumi.
You stood small and indistinct amidst a pool of black figures and even if you have done your best hiding yourself from the rest of the crowd, you were quite aware gazes were thrown on your direction. But you did not mind. You're nothing but another visiting acquaintance here: an old classmate, an old friend—but not his long term lover.
They were shooting you apologetic gazes and you were aware that people pity you whenever they would come up to you to say their condolences. They hugged you, kissed you and apologize to you. You wonder why they feel sorry. They shouldn't feel sorry. He wanted this anyway. He wanted all of this. And thus, you ignored everyone. You stand in the middle of the crying crowd and vaguely, you notice there weren't that many people to begin with. Well, the guy was unusually unfriendly. He had this aura in him that just sends people away. In fact, in the old days, you wondered how you were able to live with someone like him when he's an ineffectual, unnecessary and unwanted existence.
And had you been honest with yourself, it would come out easy that you never really wanted to be with him in the first place.
Ne… Misa-chan… can you live without me, too?
Your amber eyes were locked on that one thing perched on the upturned dirt: his headstone. You stared carefully at it, watching in silence as people kneel down to offer their messages up front and deliver flowers on the fresh soil. His brother came in next but he didn't say a word. You weren't surprise anymore since, after all, there was hostility between them ever since they were children. And you thought you knew why Gerard hated him to his core.
Had you been Gerard, you won't hesitate to hate Usui Takumi, too.
He was a mistake.
He was a fucking mistake.
He shouldn't have existed at all.
People started leaving one after the other but you remained seated by the plastic chair set right on front of his headstone, the flower was firm on your hand. The wind was biting but you weren't surprise anymore that you couldn't feel anything at all anymore. You were just so numb… so numb and so… suffocated because of all of these. You remained seated on you spot, staring at the black marble headstone that stood out amidst grey and old headstones and as your eyes started to go hazy, you quickly traced with your eyes the characters of his name, black and bold, and without thinking, you started walking towards him.
Usui Takumi is dead.
Can anybody believe that? Because if it wasn't obvious enough… you couldn't.
You feel nothing.
You feel nothing but that sharp thing aimed at your heart as you kneeled before his headstone in utter silence and reached out to touch the dirt with your gloved hand, the soil clinging into the lace of your gloves as though it did not want to part at all. Slowly, your eyes stared up and you feel tired as, once again, you touch the cold stone and touch the markings as if it was his face you were touching.
Ne… Misaki… can you?
Can you?
Your words came out harsher than necessary when you spoke, and you weren't surprise at all that you actually harbor this much hatred to him to not feel pain at all even after he died. "You bastard." You bit out, your teeth gritted and your voice came out sharp and jagged. "You bastard. You must be so happy now, you bastard. You're dead, hah! You're dead. That rightfully suits you, you jerk!" you breathed in deeply and tried to calm yourself and without thinking, you clenched the soil on the ground and threw a handful of it on his headstone. "Dead, huh? You're dead, Usui Takumi. Go rot in hell!"
Your hands shook, but you have to say more. "I hate you. And you know what? I've always thought of you as a shit-eating bitch. You're a liar, an arrogant fool when in truth; you're nothing but a grave in Patricia's part. You know what? She shouldn't have risked her life giving birth to you because you don't deserve to live. If it weren't for you, she wouldn't have died at such a young age and Gerard would have been tons happier. And I would be happier, too, because I wouldn't get to meet such a cruel and insensitive cold bastard like you!"
You breathe in again and you realized you were shaking. You concluded it as the effect of the weather since it's just the beginning of the winter season. "You're a liar, you know that, right? A fucking liar who just did whatever you want without even bothering to ask for my opinion. And you know what, I'm going to take out all of my things in that pathetic and empty apartment of yours because in truth, I hated every single minute of living in there! It's disgusting having to share the bathroom, bedroom and living room with you and now that you're dead, it would be even more disgusting to use it because I might get infected by your… your… whatever it is in you that makes people hate you!"
The wind blew hard against you but you ignored it. You thought the biting wind delivered his laughter but immediately whisk away the idea. No, he could no longer laugh at you. He's dead and he's now rotting in hell because he's a grave sin and a pathetic little liar.
You clenched your fist, throwing yet another handful of soil to his headstone before you removed your gloves and started punching the black marble.
"Bastard… bastard… bastard… bastard!" you screamed, and you were thankful there weren't any people around to watch and witness your little fit. "Bastard… bastard! Go to hell! Go die! Bastard!"
You stop when you felt you knuckles gone red with blood and until you couldn't moved your fingers anymore. You shut your eyes close, pressing your head against his headstone as you tried to breathe in and out. But for some reason, you keep on feeling this… huge lump in your throat that hinders you from breathing properly. Your heart thudded painfully and the kick in your ribs and stomach was just too painful it was almost… suffocating.
You wanted to let him know how suffocating it was for you… now that he's… dead.
A flash of burning green flickered across your eyes and you could almost feel the heat boiling behind your heavy eyelids. It was coming. You clenched the soil with your hands again, feeling the rough dirt enter underneath your fingernails as you bit your lip to stop whatever emotion it was that was beginning to engulf you.
Ayuzawa… don't bite your lips. You might end up wounding them.
"Shut up…"
Ne… Misa-chan… can you live without me, too?
"Shut… up."
Ne… Misaki… can you?
"Shut up."
Can you…?
"Shut up… please…"
You remembered the first time you met him at the corridor of Seika, he was rejecting a confession… and ever since then, he had started tagging along with you after discovering your secret part-time job. You remembered everything: the first time he had held your hand… the first moment he had said he loved you… the first touch… the first kiss… the painful departure to England… and the storm of kisses. You remembered the promises… the bright future and the nights you'd spent with him as you patiently wait for the sunrise even if it's hours away. You remembered when you went on that camping with him, amidst the bonfire and hotdogs and marshmallows, underneath the starry skies… you remembered him on his knees on the ground before you… he was holding your hand while his voice was shaking…
Will you marry me?
You clenched your eyes shut, regretting the moment you said yes. But then again, you remembered the butterflies in your stomach as they ram inside your head how… how much you love him despite all his flaws.
Ne… Misa-chan… can you live without me, too?
"Why?" at last, you whispered when you found your voice again. Your dirty fingers were knotted against the headstone and you were surprise you hadn't break them yet considering your abnormal strength. But then again, you felt so weak now… and you doubt if the strength would ever return. "Why? Why, why, why, WHY?!"
You remembered that time at his house, just when you're finally about to give an answer to his ever perennial question… he had broke up with you. You don't want to say it before because of your pride but now, you could never say it anymore. You had laid out your heart and soul to him—all bare—and allowed him to trample on you, to ruin your heart all over again because you love him. And you wondered, why despite loving him, you were unable to say and admit right in front of his face that you couldn't live without him, too.
"Why… Takumi? Why?"
After the break up, a week later, when Tora had given you that call saying that he had passed away and left everything to you, you feel nothing. But as you pull on your black stockings, black gloves and black clothes and steeled yourself, you realized you're better off not existing because without him… you're nothing.
Misaki, it's for you. His letter while he was confined in the hospital.
You pressed your forehead on the stone again, remembering that warmth feeling you'd always have whenever he'd pressed his forehead on you and start kissing you slowly… you remembered the feel of his hand against your skin… and the feel of his heartbeat when your hands are pressed against his chest. You remembered every time he'd kiss you and how good it felt being one with him. You remembered the last time he said he loved you and that a storm of butterflies started dancing inside your stomach and the only thing you could do is stare at him and cry your guts out because you love him so much it was almost suffocating.
And now, he's gone—he's dead—and there's no use living in this world anymore.
Misaki,
Forget me.
I might have gone on living to the hearts of other people, but I would never be completely peaceful if you were to continue remembering me.
Forget me. Because I'm quite certain that wherever I might be… I would eventually forget you, too. Go on living. Be happy.
Just forget me, that's my only desire.
You can live without me, I know you can.
Please.
—Takumi
He asked you to forget him. He asked for the impossible. Because you know that you have spent almost all your entire lifetime with him, and because you had loved him so much, forgetting would not come in easy. You wished he hasn't died—that he hadn't inherited Patricia's illness—and you wish you had the same illness, too, because when he died, all you ever wanted to do is die with him.
You wished he would suddenly pop up on one corner and wordlessly sweep you off the floor because he was a man of surprises. You wish that everything else had ended along with him because… because everything was just so suffocating it was almost as if you have forgotten hot to breathe.
"Why are you being so fucking selfish?!" you screamed angrily as you started punching the upturned dirt you were seated on. You wanted to hurt him. You wanted him to feel the pain you were feeling because despite asking you to forget him, he had left everything that would remind you of him on your hands. "Why… why, Takumi?! Do you think this is funny?! Are you having fun watching me somewhere being so fucking miserable like this?! WHY?!"
There were footsteps behind you but you did not mind and without much thinking about it, you started digging through the fresh soil with your bare fingers. You throw aside the flowers and the candles and the other offerings and with swiftness you never thought you were still capable of, you started digging him. You just have to see him one more time—one more time—because it was just impossible that he would succumb to such disease when he had live healthily for almost twenty seven years.
Ne… Misa-chan… can you?
"I can't… I can't, okay?! I can't fucking live without you!" warm hands encircle your dirty hands and alas, the tears you've been trying your best to hold back started cascading off your eyes like heavy waterfalls. You pushed the person who was trying to stop you aside and pressed the side of your face on the dirt, feeling the cold and rough soil caress your skin, hearing nothing but the harsh wind and the whisper of voices behind you. You started shaking your head as your tears watered the soil and how you wished everything would reach him because you couldn't face the world anymore without him.
You could not love without his laughter, his predatory grins, his nasty remarks, his possessive grip, his touches… his strokes… his warmth… his heartbeat… his kisses… his love… You could not live without him.
"Ayuzawa… stop."
You ignore Aoi and clenched another fistful of soil again, burying your face because when he died, the only thing you wanted to do is be buried next to him inside the same coffin. You wanted people to mourn for you; too… you wanted to be with him.
"Do you think this is funny?" you ask again in bare and defeated whisper. "Do you really think I would…? I could… I would…" you swallowed painfully and felt the huge lump block your throat and you wished—and wished hard enough—that you would die of suffocation right here, right now, because another moment with him gone and it would certainly break you.
The wind blew on you again but this time, it was softer… as though it carried a dead person's defeated sigh.
Ne… Misaki… can you live without me, too?
"Because you know… Takumi… I could never live without you, too."
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AndyBunny