That guy's family in the train station at the beginning of revolutions made
me wonder what it would be like if Agent Smith had a family, I mean, since
programs can apparently have them. Maybe it'd be something like this:
[The door opens in a small but sparsely appointed apartment. Agent Smith walks in. He removes his SILLY sunglasses and starts opening his mail, which all is like this: "11000100101000001000010011110101010010100"]
(Agent Smith)Bills, bills, bills.
[Agent Smith's wife walks into the room]
(Tribune)Lyle, my mother's staying with us on a temporary basis. There was some sort of incident involving a critical code corruption, and her house was taken over temporarily as a staging area to run a patch.
(Agent Smi- . . . Lyle?!?)Oooohhhh. . . . . . um, does this mean no sex?
(Honora)Hello, I'm like, right here!
(Lyle) . . .
(Tribune)Look, let's just . . . .
[The door opens. Agent Smith's daughter enters, carrying a bag. A note is pinned to her shirt]
(Tribune)Hi honey! Look, grandma's visiting us!
(Hylit)Hi gramma. Look I drew a pony (shows picture).
(Honora)Let me see . . . [looks at a photographically perfect drawing of . . . a pony]. Very nice (to Tribune) Kids drawings . . . yeeg.
(Hylit)Hello, I'm like, right here!
(Lyle)Well, this is all wonderful, but I was planning to sort of have a quiet evening, since things at work kind of aren't going so well, so why don't we all just SHUT UP
[The door opens, the Architect enters]
(Architect)I AM THE GREAT ARCHITECTHOLIO!!!!! I CREATED THE MATRIX!!!!!!!!!
(Lyle)Oh no. . .
(Architect)DO YOU HAVE TP FOR MY BUNGHOLE??????
(Tribune)?!?!??
(Lyle)(sssh, he's my boss)Um, hello sir, is something wrong?
(Architect)YOU WILL GIVE ME TP???? FOR MY BUNGHOLE?????
(Lyle) . . . wait a second . . . . (picks up a strange metal object and pokes the Architect with it. The Architect ::shimmers:: for a moment, and morphs into Agent Thompson)
(Joe)HAHHAHAHHAHA, I really had you going, smithy!
(Lyle)Joe, damn it, what is your compilation error?!?
(Joe)Hey, it's not my fault you can't take a joke smithster. Look I brought the guys! It's a paarty!
[Agents Jackson, Thompson, and Brown enter the room]
(Thompson, Jackson, Brown)PARTY PARTY PARTY!!!!!!
[Agent Thompson turns on a boom box with Ween on it and starts rocking out]
(Lyle) . . . I can't take this. I'm going to my room. If anyone needs me, don't.
[Agent Smith goes upstairs and opens a door . . . . to discover Neo fumbling around in a dresser]
(Lyle)WHAT THE FUCK??!?!??!!
(Neo)Oh crap [drops that crazy matrix cell phone that slides apart when you use it]
(Morpheus(on cell phone))Neo, just get Agent Smith's underwear and get back here already! Man, this going to be some hot hot cyber . . .
(Neo)Um . . .
(Lyle)You . . . . came here to steal my underwear? What are you, some kind of . . .
(Neo)NO NONO, but Morpheus thinks you're sorta hot. And wearing your underwear makes him feel like a sexy man.
(Lyle)ARRGGGHH (pukes on the floor)
(Neo)WOAH!!!!! GROSS!!!!
(Lyle)Well, at least that explains where all my underwear's been going. Well, this is all very awkward. Um, since, you know, I'm sort of off-duty now.
(Neo)You mean, we're not going to fight?
(Lyle)Nah, I can't even think about working now. Screw it.
(Neo)But dude, I was stealing your underpants for Morpheus' perverse sexual purposes. I've been doing it for almost two years!
(Lyle)I'm sorry, Mr. Anderson, but nothing you say is going to make me change my mind.
(Neo)Oh . . . . well, can I, um, hang out a little while then? I'm so lonely. Morpheus is always Neo, do this, Neo do that, get me more of Agent Smith's underwear he is so hot. And trinity is all like Look at me I'm the kung fu queen Neo lets go into the matrix and kick random peoples asses and run away hahahah. NOBODY CARES ABOUT NEO'S NEEDS.
(Lyle)I didn't realize . . . that you were such a whiny little beyotch. . . .
(Neo)WAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
(Lyle)Shut up, or I'll be forced to do work and slap your bitch ass
(Neo)Ok, sorry sorry.
(Lyle)Well, come downstairs and meet everybody. Boy this is weird.
[They go downstairs. Tribune has started serving club sandwiches and martinis to the Agents. Honora is playing chess with Hylit, only the board is a hologram-thing suspended in midair]
(Lyle)Mr. Anderson, this is Tribune my wife, Hylit, my daughter, Honora, my mother-in-law, and I believe you have already met my colleagues.
(Thompson)NEO!!!!!! THIS IS THE BEST PARTY EVER!!!!!!!!
(Neo)Rock on, dude.
(Brown)Hey, do something crazy.
(Neo)Wha?
(Jackson)Dude, change the code. Make us twenty feet tall, or have elephant trunks, or get us some free porno, or something cool.
(Neo)Hm . . . . . ok. [closes his eyes]
[Agent Thompson becomes a girl]
(Agent Thompson)Oh no my dick's gone!
(Neo)Sorry, wait a second
[The room fades and is replaced by a big disco ballroom. The disco ball is a sentinel. The merovingian, persephone, the twins, all the merovingian's doodxors, Neo's boss from metacortex (or is it metacortechs? Hmm) the REAL architect, the oracle, spoon boy, morpheus, trinity, switch, epoch, cypher (THEY'RE JUST THERE, OK?!?)the woman in the red dress, all the cops and soldiers who got blown away, and the powerpuff girls are all there]
(TheOracle)MATRIX DISCO PARTY!!!!!!!!
(Architect)Neo, how did you find this file. THIS IS THE FIRST PERFECT MATRIX I CREATED THAT KILLED ALL THE HUMANS WHO TRIED IT!!!!! STUPID HUMANS!!!!! LOOK AT HOW AWESOME THIS IS!!!!!! DISCO FOREVER!!!!!!!!!
(Neo)Maybe this is the way to end the war. We just need to find the systemic anomaly that made disco deadly to the majority of the humans . . .. then human and robot can live in a perfect disco universe construct forever in peace.
(Architect)Oh yeah good idea. . . . I'll do that later. DISCO PARTY!!!!!!
::they all dance around like idiots to 70s funky pop until midnight strikes and all of humanity and robot-anity dies because of exposure to disco::
THE END
Actually, it'd be nothing like that. At all. Oh well.
[The door opens in a small but sparsely appointed apartment. Agent Smith walks in. He removes his SILLY sunglasses and starts opening his mail, which all is like this: "11000100101000001000010011110101010010100"]
(Agent Smith)Bills, bills, bills.
[Agent Smith's wife walks into the room]
(Tribune)Lyle, my mother's staying with us on a temporary basis. There was some sort of incident involving a critical code corruption, and her house was taken over temporarily as a staging area to run a patch.
(Agent Smi- . . . Lyle?!?)Oooohhhh. . . . . . um, does this mean no sex?
(Honora)Hello, I'm like, right here!
(Lyle) . . .
(Tribune)Look, let's just . . . .
[The door opens. Agent Smith's daughter enters, carrying a bag. A note is pinned to her shirt]
(Tribune)Hi honey! Look, grandma's visiting us!
(Hylit)Hi gramma. Look I drew a pony (shows picture).
(Honora)Let me see . . . [looks at a photographically perfect drawing of . . . a pony]. Very nice (to Tribune) Kids drawings . . . yeeg.
(Hylit)Hello, I'm like, right here!
(Lyle)Well, this is all wonderful, but I was planning to sort of have a quiet evening, since things at work kind of aren't going so well, so why don't we all just SHUT UP
[The door opens, the Architect enters]
(Architect)I AM THE GREAT ARCHITECTHOLIO!!!!! I CREATED THE MATRIX!!!!!!!!!
(Lyle)Oh no. . .
(Architect)DO YOU HAVE TP FOR MY BUNGHOLE??????
(Tribune)?!?!??
(Lyle)(sssh, he's my boss)Um, hello sir, is something wrong?
(Architect)YOU WILL GIVE ME TP???? FOR MY BUNGHOLE?????
(Lyle) . . . wait a second . . . . (picks up a strange metal object and pokes the Architect with it. The Architect ::shimmers:: for a moment, and morphs into Agent Thompson)
(Joe)HAHHAHAHHAHA, I really had you going, smithy!
(Lyle)Joe, damn it, what is your compilation error?!?
(Joe)Hey, it's not my fault you can't take a joke smithster. Look I brought the guys! It's a paarty!
[Agents Jackson, Thompson, and Brown enter the room]
(Thompson, Jackson, Brown)PARTY PARTY PARTY!!!!!!
[Agent Thompson turns on a boom box with Ween on it and starts rocking out]
(Lyle) . . . I can't take this. I'm going to my room. If anyone needs me, don't.
[Agent Smith goes upstairs and opens a door . . . . to discover Neo fumbling around in a dresser]
(Lyle)WHAT THE FUCK??!?!??!!
(Neo)Oh crap [drops that crazy matrix cell phone that slides apart when you use it]
(Morpheus(on cell phone))Neo, just get Agent Smith's underwear and get back here already! Man, this going to be some hot hot cyber . . .
(Neo)Um . . .
(Lyle)You . . . . came here to steal my underwear? What are you, some kind of . . .
(Neo)NO NONO, but Morpheus thinks you're sorta hot. And wearing your underwear makes him feel like a sexy man.
(Lyle)ARRGGGHH (pukes on the floor)
(Neo)WOAH!!!!! GROSS!!!!
(Lyle)Well, at least that explains where all my underwear's been going. Well, this is all very awkward. Um, since, you know, I'm sort of off-duty now.
(Neo)You mean, we're not going to fight?
(Lyle)Nah, I can't even think about working now. Screw it.
(Neo)But dude, I was stealing your underpants for Morpheus' perverse sexual purposes. I've been doing it for almost two years!
(Lyle)I'm sorry, Mr. Anderson, but nothing you say is going to make me change my mind.
(Neo)Oh . . . . well, can I, um, hang out a little while then? I'm so lonely. Morpheus is always Neo, do this, Neo do that, get me more of Agent Smith's underwear he is so hot. And trinity is all like Look at me I'm the kung fu queen Neo lets go into the matrix and kick random peoples asses and run away hahahah. NOBODY CARES ABOUT NEO'S NEEDS.
(Lyle)I didn't realize . . . that you were such a whiny little beyotch. . . .
(Neo)WAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
(Lyle)Shut up, or I'll be forced to do work and slap your bitch ass
(Neo)Ok, sorry sorry.
(Lyle)Well, come downstairs and meet everybody. Boy this is weird.
[They go downstairs. Tribune has started serving club sandwiches and martinis to the Agents. Honora is playing chess with Hylit, only the board is a hologram-thing suspended in midair]
(Lyle)Mr. Anderson, this is Tribune my wife, Hylit, my daughter, Honora, my mother-in-law, and I believe you have already met my colleagues.
(Thompson)NEO!!!!!! THIS IS THE BEST PARTY EVER!!!!!!!!
(Neo)Rock on, dude.
(Brown)Hey, do something crazy.
(Neo)Wha?
(Jackson)Dude, change the code. Make us twenty feet tall, or have elephant trunks, or get us some free porno, or something cool.
(Neo)Hm . . . . . ok. [closes his eyes]
[Agent Thompson becomes a girl]
(Agent Thompson)Oh no my dick's gone!
(Neo)Sorry, wait a second
[The room fades and is replaced by a big disco ballroom. The disco ball is a sentinel. The merovingian, persephone, the twins, all the merovingian's doodxors, Neo's boss from metacortex (or is it metacortechs? Hmm) the REAL architect, the oracle, spoon boy, morpheus, trinity, switch, epoch, cypher (THEY'RE JUST THERE, OK?!?)the woman in the red dress, all the cops and soldiers who got blown away, and the powerpuff girls are all there]
(TheOracle)MATRIX DISCO PARTY!!!!!!!!
(Architect)Neo, how did you find this file. THIS IS THE FIRST PERFECT MATRIX I CREATED THAT KILLED ALL THE HUMANS WHO TRIED IT!!!!! STUPID HUMANS!!!!! LOOK AT HOW AWESOME THIS IS!!!!!! DISCO FOREVER!!!!!!!!!
(Neo)Maybe this is the way to end the war. We just need to find the systemic anomaly that made disco deadly to the majority of the humans . . .. then human and robot can live in a perfect disco universe construct forever in peace.
(Architect)Oh yeah good idea. . . . I'll do that later. DISCO PARTY!!!!!!
::they all dance around like idiots to 70s funky pop until midnight strikes and all of humanity and robot-anity dies because of exposure to disco::
THE END
Actually, it'd be nothing like that. At all. Oh well.