Decepticon Prisoner Guide: Part Deux

Okay, because I love you reviewers/alert people, I decided to do another onesy. This story is rules about our favorite Autobot friends. Sorry 'Con fans. I love Barricade and Starscream too, but I gotta go to the other side.

Don't ask me why I'm doing this slaggin' thing. Rumble came up to me with this data pod and honestly, it was hilarious. (Primus, help me if Soundwave or Megatron finds out about this. Eh, I'll just blame it on our "Second-in-Command" glitch.) Apparently, one half of "Jet Judo" wrote up this set of rules for surviving Decepticon barracks. So since it's so bad over here, I'm going to tell you fleshies about how bad it is over at the Autobots.

Ratchet: One thing about this mech is that he is SO bitter. I don't know what we did to frag him off, but he will tear every one of your limbs off with his hacksaw. Trust me; I've been on his bad side. You look at him as a mech that would break his hydraulics if he moves an inch, but that old geezer is tricky and fast. The worst part is that he's a medic! Oh, sure having him as a sparkling-sitter is "fun", but see what happens if you don't wanna sleep or take your meds.

If you think Ratchet is a "protector", check out Ironhide! Oh, you don't know what he looks like? Look for the cannons with legs. I swear the slagger would be one of us if it wasn't for the glitch's "master", Optimus Prime. He practices hours after hours with his cannons. Why do I know that? Because we can hear them all the way on the other side of the planet! You'd think he could get a silencer on those things! One night, Frenzy decided to quit the constant noises so he rewired them to shoot out water! I was teasing Ironhide about it, but it really backfired on me. Ratchet repaired them faster than I thought. Oops.

I mentioned "Jet Judo" before. Don't know what that is? I don't know what the Pit it means! One battle the pit-spawn just decided to have a battle cry. A stupid one at that! Come on! They're not even jets! If you haven't figured it out, I'm talking about Sunstreaker and Sideswipe. Now, I give some Sunny some credit. He's a good fighter, but his anger makes it too easy for me to mess with him. It's like taking a sparkling's energon treat away. He'll glitch out and start randomly blasting away with his guns. It's very amusing. Try it! Oh, mess with his paintjob; he loves it especially when you "key" it!

Okay, now that I got all the lackeys out of the way. Now, here's the "Savior" of all Transformers, Optimus Prime. Every femme I've ran across wants Prime to be their bond-mate. He's "tall" and "shines like the Allspark". I've seen femmes get overheated when they talk about his "face mask". Uh, makes me sick! Even OUR femmes are like that! All I need are human femmes to do it, and then I'm just going to offline myself. Oh, but it's so fun to be there when I tell them Prime's taken. Here's the best part….she's "protective" or should I say "uber-jealous" of any femme that even tries to steal a glance at his spark chamber. Her name is Elita-One. If she doesn't come after you, she'll sick one of her soldiers after you. Chromia, Ironhide's bond-mate, is her second-in-command. Need I say more?

If you have the ball bearings or spark to get involve with our war, good luck. I recommend just handing yourself over to our side. We can't promise anything fancy, but the living space (cough-cage-cough) is decent. Sorry if I'm not as creative as Sideswipe. I'm more of a prankster than a writer anyways. Send back any replies for a ride in my cockpit and I will haunt you for the rest of the miserable life. Or until you have one of those "heart attack " things from me scaring you.

Well, I hope (insert Transformer name here) was pleasing to you all. I started this awhile back when 'Bob the awesome' asked if I was going to do it. Frankly, I wasn't thinking about it, but the evil plot bunny wanted another bite out of my mind. (I ran out of plot bunny repellent.) I made up this review thing when I was talking with an author (forgot your name). Guess the "narrator"! (Hope it wasn't TOO obvious.)

Reviews are very welcomed and a very small hint of "Simon Cowell" is acceptable. (Anything higher than Chef Ramsey from "Hell's Kitchen" is not.)

Peace! :D