A/N: Lots and lots of talk about pretty penises, cum dumpsters and sexual harassments in the workplace.
This story is totally made up and contains no complicated plot at all, just pure dirty smut. Please be kind and leave me a review.
Summary: Severus Snape wasn't aware of how dirty Miss Granger could really get, it took him about three years to find out that she wasn't the prude he always assumed, and it only took him one day to find out that Miss Granger loved to talk about pretty genitals and other inappropriate things. Totally random and totally out of character, just for fun! (SS/HG).
Disclaimer: I own nothing Harry Potter related and I don't write to make any profits whatsoever. Just here for your entertainment and to have an outlet for my own dirty mind. Errors are all mine.
Unacceptable Sexual Harassment in the Workplace
"I never took you for the perverse type, Miss Granger," His eyebrows were raised and his smile crooked, laced with knowingness.
"Well, he did have a great cock, you can't deny that." They were walking through the hallway, checking their papers to see who to attend to next.
"That totally depends on where your interests lie." His answers were always cool and collected, making it hard to figure out what his mood of the day was.
"Oh my interests definitely lie with cocks, Sir." She answered with a nonchalance that had him almost miss a step, not that she would ever notice. Severus Snape never missed a step, no matter how many cocks were discussed with former students.
"You do realize that this is highly inappropriate Miss Granger, and I could report you for unacceptable sexual harassments in the workplace." His voice sounded amused now and she did miss a step with the unusual display of emotion on his part.
She scoffed at him, clearly not impressed by his threats. "As if you've never wanked off to a fine looking quim, noticed right here in the workplace." Those last words were supported by actual air-quotes. He had probably missed the memo telling him they were comfortable enough now to talk about intimate body parts.
"Really Granger, quim?" There was the amusement again but this time she was prepared for it and she smoothly stepped over the threshold of the elevator, the ticking of her high heels ebbing away. They were alone for once, must be a slow day.
"Yes quim. Vagina, pussy, cunt, twat, muff, pool of moisture, cum dumpster, or whatever you feel comfortable with." She was leaning against the back wall of the elevator, taking in his reaction.
It had taken some time to get comfortable around each other, he had been her teacher for six years after all. She still called him Sir sometimes and he never refrained from calling her Miss Granger, with the occasional Granger at best, but never her first name.
She did call him Severus sometimes, just to get a reaction from him. After three years of working together she finally realized that his bark was way worse than his bite.
He laughed now, probably the first time since, well, ever. "Just when I think I can't learn more of your batty behavior, you prove me wrong, again."
She didn't know if she should be proud or offended. "Because I know a different word for vagina?"
"No because you actually used the word cum dumpster, and because you get off on sick men with pretty penises."
"Well, I can't help you're a prude, Severus." It was then that the elevator doors opened and she sashayed right passed him, leaving him to follow in a more sedate pace to see their next patient. He hardly ever rose to her bait.
"I think I used the word 'cum dumpster' more than once." She shook her head while biting off a large piece of chocolate brownie, spilling crumbs all over her scrubs. Great, now she would have to change again.
Harry laughed loudly, gathering curious looks from all over the cafeteria. "You never cease to amaze me."
"Well, you have it easy, you're married to the love of your life, I scare men more easily than Freddy Krueger ever did."
Harry was full blown doubling over from laughter right now, holding his belly in the process. "Being a healer is totally wasted on you, you should have gone into comedy."
"I don't want to go into comedy, I want a pretty cock to fuck." She whined, messing up herself even more by taking another sloppy bite from her brownie.
"You could always use the internet, you wouldn't be the first one." Harry managed to get out between hiccups. She was just glad that Ron didn't work with them, he would have just offered himself again. Only that ship had sailed, many, many years ago. Or more like shipwrecked.
Ron was a puppy, a very adorable puppy, and puppies were way too young to have sex. Puppies were there to be cuddled and kissed lightly on the nose, they're penises were just too small to have sex yet. And some of them stayed small, like Ron's did, which wasn't fun, at all. Puppies were enthusiastic though, very happy and eager, but it didn't make up for small penises. It was really a pity.
So now she was looking for a very grown up dog, with a very big, very pretty penis, which was really hard to find.
It had for a very short minute entered her mind that being a war heroine might make it possible to have pretty dicks offered to her on the down-low, but nothing had been further from the truth. Everybody, literally everybody thought that Hermione fucking Granger was a prude. A prissy prude.
She wasn't a prissy prude, she had more toys hidden in her closet than Toys R Us.
"I'm not using the internet, I'm not insane." She shook her head determinedly, stuffing the rest of her lunch into her mouth, just when her colleague entered the cafeteria.
"Ah, well I still wouldn't call you sane per se, and I have some pretty decent comparison at home."
Now it was her time to laugh. "Yes, Luna is my favorite person in the world, especially when she's had wine!" Hermione called out, spraying crumbs everywhere. She blamed Ron for talking with her mouth full. Being confined in small places and all that, referring to the small flat they shared after the war. It had lasted two full months.
"Yes, remind me to hide the bottles of wine next time you come to visit your evil twin sister you were separated from at birth." Harry sarcastically drawled.
"Stop it, you sound just like Malfoy when you do that." She shivered exorbitantly.
"He is my partner after all." Harry had been followed by Malfoy after the war, the blond trying to find a way to make up for his mistakes. Harry send him away time and time again but he kept coming back, like a puppy. In the end he just gave up and let him enter the Auror department, but nobody was willing to train with him, leaving Harry no choice but to do it himself.
Years later they actually became friends and when Harry resigned from being an Auror, Malfoy followed him once again, claiming this time that it was because he didn't want to work without the Gryffindor anymore in case he would 'miss him'.
"Does he have a pretty cock?"
Harry snorted out his drink when he noticed that his former Potions Professor was standing right behind Hermione. "Yes, but he's gay Hermione you know that, he's been with Blaise since I don't know when."
"It's a pity, another fine cock wasted." She sighed loudly, her self-pity too big for their conversation and the entire cafeteria.
"Miss Granger," She whipped around so fast in her chair that she almost sends herself flying. "This is the second time today that I catch you talking about phalluses in the workplace, is there anything you want to tell me?"
Her eyes went big in horror when she noticed that she was eye to eye with probably, if the outline of his trousers was anything to go by, the most beastly of cocks. She almost moaned out loud. "Cut a woman some slack Severus, as if you never get horny."
Right when she practically shouted the word horny, the entire cafeteria fell quiet, of course. Without waiting for anybody's reaction she jumped up in her high heels and managed her way out of the filled-up room, straight to the bathroom. She didn't notice the many stares that were plastered to her round backside that was snuggly fitted by her pencil skirt, including the one of Severus Snape. Maybe she could drown herself in one of the toilets and they could write on her tombstone 'died from horniness'. Make them all regret that they didn't hand her those pretty penises sooner.
Harry snorted when he saw the devious look on Severus' face. "Why don't you just give in, make it that much easier for me to have lunch with her?"
Severus condoned a smirk that made Harry think that he was back in that old damp dungeon, suffering in a double potions class. "Where would the fun in that be?"
Harry just shook his head and when he looked up again, Severus was nowhere to be found. The man was still creepy as hell, no matter how many times he had saved Harry's life. At the beginning things had been weird, Snape could have been his dad, but eventually they got over their mutual awkwardness and occasionally they would come together to discuss the progress of the Wizarding World. Both, still feeling weirdly responsible for it.
"I don't know what I did to deserve this." Severus mumbled silently to Hermione when they were listening to their next patient.
"-And I think that concludes that I have two clitoris', which shouldn't be such a problem I can hear you think, but nothing is further from the truth. You see when I have intercourse, or when I try to masturbate, which isn't very often because of my two clitoris', but you get my meaning. It's just that I get overstimulated and pass out, so I can't really have normal intercourse with a man, they all think I'm dead every time, and I like man, I want to have sex…-"
"You and me both woman," Hermione mumbled near his ear and he could feel his cock spring to life, fucking great, all that talk about sex had finally gotten to him. Damn that woman to hell and back.
"-Please tell me you can help me, I mean maybe numb one of them or something, cutting some nerves? Or just cut the thing off altogether, just leaving me with one." The woman just kept on talking, making it hard for them to interrupt.
Severus just raised his hand to get her to stop and when she finally held her tongue he started the standard procedure. "We'll have to do some examinations."
The woman perked up when she caught on that they were willing to help her. "Oh thank you, you have no idea how grateful I am. Do you want my help with the examination, I could masturbate and you could see what happens, that's probably the best way to know what I'm talking about,-"
"Oh the torture…" Hermione breathed roughly next to him and he suddenly deemed it necessary to take control.
He lifted his hand again, mentioning the patient to shut her mouth. "Healer Granger, a word." He used his Professor voice and pointed towards the door.
She seemed to jerk out of her daydreams and nodded with red blotted cheeks, which seem to make a way down her blouse. His cock was straining now, wondering how far those blushes went.
They nodded to the patient, promising her that they would be back as soon as possible before leaving the room.
He slammed the door behind him and directed Hermione to one of the on-call rooms further down the hall, slamming that door as well. "What the hell is wrong with you, you have never been this distracted in your life!"
He could see that the petite witch was beyond reason, filled with anger and something else. "Oh I don't know Severus, maybe it's all this talk about sex, that perfectly fine cock this morning, wasting away, that woman offering to masturbate right in front of us, I'm not a lesbian but I do appreciate a good masturbation, cock or quim," He grinned again at the use of that word. "Or maybe it's because I haven't had sex in over six months, and it's finally taking its toll!" She was breathing loudly now and not from overly exercising.
"I just need someone's cock inside my quim -get over yourself Severus-, and fuck me hard and long, well probably not long because I would cum within seconds…"
Her mouth should have a lock. She had gone years without acting like a fool around Severus, ever since she had realized her attraction to him, but apparently she had reached a new low.
Seconds turned into minutes while they stared at each other, neither of them blinking, neither of them moving an inch. Both of them breathing raggedly.
"Oh fuck it." Severus growled with a feral noise and pounced. Mouths, teeth and noses –well, just his-, bumped before they finally laced their tongues together, battling for dominance. His mouth was warm and softer than she ever thought possible for the harsh potions professor, that man possessed a mouth fouler than all the Malfoy's combined after all.
Hermione's desperation had given her some temporary superpowers because with her small frame she had Severus plastered to the door within seconds, practically climbing up his leg to find some friction, riding his leg without any shame.
"Easy woman," He warned her while taking the upper hand again and switching them, pushing her roughly against the door now with her back turned to his front, rocking his straining member against her tight covered bum, she riding back on him.
When he bit her neck she let out a low moan that could have been heard by the entire floor, weren't it for those silencing charms that were put up around all the on-call rooms. Too many accidental 'sexscapades' had happened in there.
"Just take me Severus, I want to feel you cock, save the kissing for later." She moaned again when he bit her earlobe, not caring for marks or scarring.
"Patience woman, let me at least prepare you, believe me when I say you'll need it."
What was he talking about? His cock couldn't really be that big, could it? "Don't think it's necessary, I'm wetter than the Great Lake." She whined while trying to turn around, she didn't want friction on her bum, she wanted it on her clit, or inside her vagina, she wasn't picky.
She gasped when his hand had found its way around her and with a swift motion he had ripped her blouse from her feverish body, making her nipples stand erect when they were met with the cold air that circulated the room.
"Well, aren't you the naughty nymph, no bra today?" His voice should be forbidden. She had always like the dark rumbling timber but right now she thought she would cum on the spot, just from hearing his voice.
"I don't do bra's, they chafe." He wondered how he'd never noticed that before.
She shrieked when at the same time he pinched her nipples roughly. Maybe it was because she was so turned on, or maybe because she hadn't had sex in such a long time but she was beyond aroused and she had never had a bed partner that could read her body language so well.
Suddenly he let her go and watched her frantically turn around. She was about to open her mouth to demand a reason when he used his voice again. "Undress Miss Granger, now!" She quivered by his demand, could it be that dominance turned her on? Nah, not a chance, she snickered, but still quickly complying with his demands.
Before a second passed she stood before him entirely naked, waiting for him to shed his clothes. "Well?" She demanded.
"Fair is fair," He snickered and used his wand to vanish the same outfit that he wore as a Professor. When they had surgery they would wear scrubs but on a day like this they could wear whatever they wanted, him always go back to the comfort of the good old days. Okay not really good, or comfortable, but at least they hid the ugly mark on his arm.
His gaze hardened when he was reminded off the mark and he fought the feeling of covering it up with his other hand. Not that he was going to but still the feeling remained.
That was until he heard her gasp for air. "Severus, it's huge!"
"Sure you've seen it before, hasn't gotten any bigger."
Her face showed confusion and he realized that they weren't talking about the same thing.
"I'm sure I haven't seen that piece of art before or I would have remembered!" She claimed loudly and this time it was her who jumped him. "It's humongous, how do you hide it?" She breathed in between kisses. He was pretty sure they were talking about his cock now.
"It's not that big," He scuffed, gripping her hair to wrap it around his wrist, tugging it roughly to gain better excess to her mouth.
"Uhnng Yes Severus," She moaned into his mouth. He laughed at the double meaning in her words. Meanwhile grabbing between his legs to get a lay of the land, the thing was enormous.
"Why have we never done this before?" She pushed him on the bed and straddled his waist, grinding her soaked core against the prettiest and biggest cock she had ever had the pleasure of meeting.
"Didn't think you were interested," She sucked his tongue into her mouth and the feeling went straight to his cock, straining even more than it already did, he didn't think he had ever been this hard in his life.
His long fingers dragged along her sides, suddenly squeezing her hips hard, definitely leaving bruises and dragging her over his cock again while the pink pebbles of her tits gave him pleasurable tickles to his own chest. "Oh I'm interested," She blurted out.
"Nobody thinks I'm ready, they all think I'm prissy, a prude, maybe you thought the same." She scoffed while trudging her hands in his hair and pulling it roughly, kissing his mouth until it bruised.
"If they ever heard you talk they would never think you a prude ever again my little nymph." He snorted and started on her neck again, leaving more love bites than he had ever done on another woman. Come to think of it, this was the first time he had left a love bite on another person, he wasn't really affectionate. He was more the quick 'in-and-out' kind of guy, but somehow he had the strange inkling to draw this out as long as possible.
Not that she would let him. "If you don't put that pretty penis inside me right now Severus I will make sure that no other woman will ever touch you ever again!"
Normally he didn't react well to people that were trying to tell him what to do but one way or another he didn't really care when it entailed Miss Granger. He was totally amenable to meet her requests at this point.
"Yes Mistress Granger," He teased and she growled in response, digging her nails into his back.
He grunted at the sensation it brought him and without preamble he gripped her tighter and flipped them around, wedging himself between her legs. Merlin she was wet. He chuckled softly when he noticed that she was completely bare down there, he hadn't imagined her the type, but he wasn't complaining, at least he would have no hair in his mouth when he would ever wedge his tongue inside of her.
He didn't even need to align his cock, it slid right home when he nudged the tip in her soaked folds. A strangled moan left his throat when he felt how tight she was and it took all his will power not to shoot his load immediately.
He counted back and realized that it had even been longer for him than it had been for Hermione. He had gone at least a year without fucking a woman, or men, but he had only done that once, back in school, and he didn't care for it to happen again. He was perfectly fine buried inside Hermione Granger's snug little cunt, thank you very much.
"Severus…Uhnngg…Move!" She took a hold of his buttocks and tried to wedge him deeper.
"FUCK!" She screamed loudly when he finally did move, he chuckled again, he quite like the new Hermione Granger.
She could feel every ridge and every bump on his length because it was that tight. Apparently he also knew exactly what to do, something she hadn't had before. Normally she would ride them, or guide them through the entire ordeal, which made things infinitely less desirable, and really less satisfying. And then there was the matter that she had never come from penetration alone but if Severus kept this up, he would be the first to prove her wrong.
His pace quickened and he used his forearms to hold himself steady above her, trying not to crush her. "You're insufferable Miss Granger, did you know that?" His jaws were locked, trying to hold in the moans that were trying to fight a way outside of his throat.
"Stop fucking…uhnngg…talking…and fuck ME!" He picked up the pace another notch and was slamming into her with brutal power, already on the brink of his own high.
The room was filled with moans, whimpers, Severus' low grunts and the sound of his balls slamming against her bum.
"Oh yes…that's it! I'm going to…Unggghhhhh…" She screamed, she actually screamed when her body started to spasm and she took a hold of his dick with her tight pussy, putting him on lock down.
It was of no use though because the moment she started to cramp, his own orgasm kicked in and she could feel the hot spurts of cum shoot deep inside her, making her shiver even more. Somewhere along the way she had held her breath and slowly she started to hyperventilate from the intensiveness.
Severus quickly soothed her by placing both his hands on the side of her face and covering it with light kisses. "Breath Hermione, just breath."
Severus Snape wasn't gentle, he had never been gentle before but right now he sounded like Molly Weasley, coddling one of her children and he couldn't give a flying fuck.
The use of her first name for the first time, seemed to do the trick and she slowly gulped in large chunks of air. "Severus." She breathed back.
"Yes?" His eyes were sparkling with mirth, something she had never seen before.
"Can we do this again?"
"You mean now? Because I think right now we have a masturbation to go to," He grinned lazily, kissing her eyebrow when he pulled her closely against his own body.
She giggled loudly, kissing his cheek. "Now, are you still going to report me for unacceptable sexual harassments in the workplace?"
He responded by growling and flipping her over once again, slamming in from behind would surely teach her a lesson, wouldn't it?