Hogwarts Vs. Evil Phoenix
Author's Note: This is the first time I write an R-rated story. I rated it R to be on the safe side. I have co-written this with my friend 'Kitty' (who isn't a member of Fanfiction.Net). This is a comedy, so don't take it seriously, because I hate many HP characters which most of you like. If you don't like deaths of Dumbledore, then leave. None of the characters belong to me only to J.K. Rowling.
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'Happy birthday, Fawkes!' happily exclaimed Dumbledore,' I've bought you a present!'
Fawkes the phoenix squawked from his perch in Dumbledore's office and flew down onto Dumbledore's shoulder, expectantly looking at the thing which Albus pulled out of the cardboard box.
'It's a TV!' Said Albus,' I have taken off the wards in my office, so you can watch the television while I'm down in the Hall to watch the sorting. Be a good pet and sit calmly on your perch.'
Fawkes obediently sat on his perch. Dumbledore cabled the TV and put a cassette into the video.
'I'll put you to watch 'Die Hard' ,' explained Dumbledore,' Severus offered me this movie to watch. He says it's good.'
Dumbledore went to the door.
'Bye Fawkes!' he left Fawkes to watch the movie.
Little did Headmaster Dumbledore know that it was a big mistake. Fawkes' eyes grew wide, as he saw the cruel ways of terrorists in movies...
*******
'Now children I would want to welcome you to a new year at Hogwart's !' announced Dumbledore, drinking from his goblet when the sorting was finished.
But someone, or somebody, put something in the goblet that made Dumbledore fall down onto the table, his face going SPLAT! Into Minerva's strawberry cake that she had made herself for Albus.
Now, everyone from the staff knew that Minerva's cooking is one of the worst food in the world, so when Dumbledore didn't wake up, something was seriously wrong.
'Severus! Get a potion for Dumbledore! Quick!' cried out McGonagall.
Severus ran as fast as his legs could carry him into his dungeons, grabbed a random potion from the 'Restricted' shelf, and went back to the Great Hall.
He pulled Dumbledore's head up and poured the contents into the Headmaster's mouth. After a few moments, Dumbledore's eyes fluttered open.
'Oh, thank God!' cried Julia Sprout,' he's alive!'
But then Dumbledore began to have a seizure.
'What's happening Severus?' asked frantically McGonagall.
'Well, I took a potion from the restricted shelf and-' began Severus.
'RESTRICTED Shelf!' screeched McGonagall,' What on earth-'
Dumbledore doubled over the table and then belched out fire from his mouth, burning everything in sight. After a few moments, he calmed down, seeing the damage done.
Almost every Hufflepuff in the Hufflepuff Table was burned to crisp( I hate Hufflepuff), the Ravenclaws had barely been damaged, Gryffindors have been burned badly, and the Slytherins weren't harmed at all! Draco was clapping like a little happy boy.
'Do it again!' he cheered.
But let's turn our attention on the Gryffindor table.
'Harry!' screamed Hermione.
Harry Potter was lying unconscious under the table, not moving. Ron cautiously touched his scar, when Harry's hand grabbed Ron's scaring the daylights out of the Weasley.
'Hey! Don't touch that!' groaned Harry, black from head to toe, because of Dumbledore's fire,' It's top quality lipstick, you know!'
'Harry, you're alive!' cried Colin Creevy like a baby, hugging the fake Boy Who Lived.
Harry removed his soot-covered glasses, revealing perfectly white two circles around the eyes, where the fire didn't affect him. He looked like an idiot.
Hermione was also covered in soot, and her bushy hair was standing straight up like a hedgehog.
'Apparently, the potion didn't work,' she said in her know-it-all voice, still looking smart in her sooty robes.
Once Ron found out that he was alive, he grabbed a nearby chicken and began chomping on it like a pig (as usual, * sigh * , Weasleys).
Ernie Macmillan looked happily around, not noticing that most of his fellow Hufflepuffs were burnt, because he was a stupid Hufflepuff ( shame that he didn't die).
Dumbledore once again regained his composure and looked around the room cheerfully.
'Nothing wrong with me, don't worry,' he reassured (not noticing that most of the Hufflepuffs were dead),' Just a little tipsy, that's all!'
Meanwhile, brainwashed Fawkes turned up the volume on the TV..
And down at the Hall, Dumbledore continued his speech.
'And to first year students I wanted to say-' began Dumbledore, when he was interrupted by Hans Gruber's voice from the movie that Fawkes watching upstairs.
'- YIPPEEKIIIYAHH M*^&%$ F^*%$#!!!!' yelled the terrorist's voice.
'No! No! No! That's not the message which I wanted to give to the first years!' defended Dumbledore, as Snape paled next to him, recognizing the words.
'Is that your cousin, Severus?' asked stupidly Sprout next to Snape.
Dumbledore had enough.
'Alright students, the speech is finished. The prefects will lead you to your dormitories!' announced Dmbledore running out of the Hall up to his office.
Once he arrived there, he looked at Fawkes, who was sitting calmly on his perch, giving the Headmaster an innocent chirp.
'That's wasn't very nice Fawkes,' scolded Dumbledore.
'Polly wanna cracker!' croaked Fawkes.
Dumbledore chuckled forgivingly, and handed Fawkes a lemon drop.
'Sorry, old boy, I can only give you lemon drops. No crackers here,' sighed Dumbledore.
Fawkes looked shrewdly up at the Headmaster, but took the sweet without saying a word.
'Now, I have to look at some papers sent from the Ministry,' said Dumbledore, taking a seat next to his desk, his back turned towards Fawkes.
Fawkes took the opportunity to get off his perch and walk to the Founders of Hogwarts weapons. There was Gryffindor's golden sword, Salazar's silver spear, Rowena Ravenclaw's shining silvery blue arrows and Helga Hufflepuf's yellow axe.
'My, my, does the Ministry have demands!' commented amused Dumbledore, still looking at the papers.
But a dark shadow was creeping behind Dumbledore, a weapon raised high up over the Headmaster's head..
'POLLY WANNA KILL!!!' screamed the shadow, plunging the weapon down at the Headmaster.
After a vicious struggle, the former Headmaster of Hogwarts , Dumbledore, lay dead onto the floor, with a 2B pencil stuck up his nose.
Author's Note: Yeah, I know it may sound sick, but Snape is coming up into the next chapter! Please Review!
Author's Note: This is the first time I write an R-rated story. I rated it R to be on the safe side. I have co-written this with my friend 'Kitty' (who isn't a member of Fanfiction.Net). This is a comedy, so don't take it seriously, because I hate many HP characters which most of you like. If you don't like deaths of Dumbledore, then leave. None of the characters belong to me only to J.K. Rowling.
////////////////////
'Happy birthday, Fawkes!' happily exclaimed Dumbledore,' I've bought you a present!'
Fawkes the phoenix squawked from his perch in Dumbledore's office and flew down onto Dumbledore's shoulder, expectantly looking at the thing which Albus pulled out of the cardboard box.
'It's a TV!' Said Albus,' I have taken off the wards in my office, so you can watch the television while I'm down in the Hall to watch the sorting. Be a good pet and sit calmly on your perch.'
Fawkes obediently sat on his perch. Dumbledore cabled the TV and put a cassette into the video.
'I'll put you to watch 'Die Hard' ,' explained Dumbledore,' Severus offered me this movie to watch. He says it's good.'
Dumbledore went to the door.
'Bye Fawkes!' he left Fawkes to watch the movie.
Little did Headmaster Dumbledore know that it was a big mistake. Fawkes' eyes grew wide, as he saw the cruel ways of terrorists in movies...
*******
'Now children I would want to welcome you to a new year at Hogwart's !' announced Dumbledore, drinking from his goblet when the sorting was finished.
But someone, or somebody, put something in the goblet that made Dumbledore fall down onto the table, his face going SPLAT! Into Minerva's strawberry cake that she had made herself for Albus.
Now, everyone from the staff knew that Minerva's cooking is one of the worst food in the world, so when Dumbledore didn't wake up, something was seriously wrong.
'Severus! Get a potion for Dumbledore! Quick!' cried out McGonagall.
Severus ran as fast as his legs could carry him into his dungeons, grabbed a random potion from the 'Restricted' shelf, and went back to the Great Hall.
He pulled Dumbledore's head up and poured the contents into the Headmaster's mouth. After a few moments, Dumbledore's eyes fluttered open.
'Oh, thank God!' cried Julia Sprout,' he's alive!'
But then Dumbledore began to have a seizure.
'What's happening Severus?' asked frantically McGonagall.
'Well, I took a potion from the restricted shelf and-' began Severus.
'RESTRICTED Shelf!' screeched McGonagall,' What on earth-'
Dumbledore doubled over the table and then belched out fire from his mouth, burning everything in sight. After a few moments, he calmed down, seeing the damage done.
Almost every Hufflepuff in the Hufflepuff Table was burned to crisp( I hate Hufflepuff), the Ravenclaws had barely been damaged, Gryffindors have been burned badly, and the Slytherins weren't harmed at all! Draco was clapping like a little happy boy.
'Do it again!' he cheered.
But let's turn our attention on the Gryffindor table.
'Harry!' screamed Hermione.
Harry Potter was lying unconscious under the table, not moving. Ron cautiously touched his scar, when Harry's hand grabbed Ron's scaring the daylights out of the Weasley.
'Hey! Don't touch that!' groaned Harry, black from head to toe, because of Dumbledore's fire,' It's top quality lipstick, you know!'
'Harry, you're alive!' cried Colin Creevy like a baby, hugging the fake Boy Who Lived.
Harry removed his soot-covered glasses, revealing perfectly white two circles around the eyes, where the fire didn't affect him. He looked like an idiot.
Hermione was also covered in soot, and her bushy hair was standing straight up like a hedgehog.
'Apparently, the potion didn't work,' she said in her know-it-all voice, still looking smart in her sooty robes.
Once Ron found out that he was alive, he grabbed a nearby chicken and began chomping on it like a pig (as usual, * sigh * , Weasleys).
Ernie Macmillan looked happily around, not noticing that most of his fellow Hufflepuffs were burnt, because he was a stupid Hufflepuff ( shame that he didn't die).
Dumbledore once again regained his composure and looked around the room cheerfully.
'Nothing wrong with me, don't worry,' he reassured (not noticing that most of the Hufflepuffs were dead),' Just a little tipsy, that's all!'
Meanwhile, brainwashed Fawkes turned up the volume on the TV..
And down at the Hall, Dumbledore continued his speech.
'And to first year students I wanted to say-' began Dumbledore, when he was interrupted by Hans Gruber's voice from the movie that Fawkes watching upstairs.
'- YIPPEEKIIIYAHH M*^&%$ F^*%$#!!!!' yelled the terrorist's voice.
'No! No! No! That's not the message which I wanted to give to the first years!' defended Dumbledore, as Snape paled next to him, recognizing the words.
'Is that your cousin, Severus?' asked stupidly Sprout next to Snape.
Dumbledore had enough.
'Alright students, the speech is finished. The prefects will lead you to your dormitories!' announced Dmbledore running out of the Hall up to his office.
Once he arrived there, he looked at Fawkes, who was sitting calmly on his perch, giving the Headmaster an innocent chirp.
'That's wasn't very nice Fawkes,' scolded Dumbledore.
'Polly wanna cracker!' croaked Fawkes.
Dumbledore chuckled forgivingly, and handed Fawkes a lemon drop.
'Sorry, old boy, I can only give you lemon drops. No crackers here,' sighed Dumbledore.
Fawkes looked shrewdly up at the Headmaster, but took the sweet without saying a word.
'Now, I have to look at some papers sent from the Ministry,' said Dumbledore, taking a seat next to his desk, his back turned towards Fawkes.
Fawkes took the opportunity to get off his perch and walk to the Founders of Hogwarts weapons. There was Gryffindor's golden sword, Salazar's silver spear, Rowena Ravenclaw's shining silvery blue arrows and Helga Hufflepuf's yellow axe.
'My, my, does the Ministry have demands!' commented amused Dumbledore, still looking at the papers.
But a dark shadow was creeping behind Dumbledore, a weapon raised high up over the Headmaster's head..
'POLLY WANNA KILL!!!' screamed the shadow, plunging the weapon down at the Headmaster.
After a vicious struggle, the former Headmaster of Hogwarts , Dumbledore, lay dead onto the floor, with a 2B pencil stuck up his nose.
Author's Note: Yeah, I know it may sound sick, but Snape is coming up into the next chapter! Please Review!