The pain left behind by the ones whom left him behind.
In all honesty, Near was quite jealous of his fallen friends. "They are the lucky ones..." He lamented.
'They no longer have to deal with the pain. To live, while let die. To love, but never have. No. They wouldn't understand. No one could understand.'
Near clutched his old beaten up toy robot to his chest, as he lays his head down on his knees letting silent streams pour out of his eyes. He received that robot many years ago from someone dear to him. L. His inspiration.
'The floor is so cold,' He thought. Did he really care? That's how he feels now. Cold like the floor in which soon he would rest in eternal peace. Soon.
"Matt..." Near whispered breathing in a deep sigh as his eyes let tears flow even more. 'I trusted him. I made him promise not to leave...the fool! He promised. '
Near held the only picture he had of him and Mello at Wammy's. Matt had taken it on Near's tenth birthday.
Mello was smiling genuinely. Near was just sitting, staring. Emotionless.
He wasn't emotionless now. He can feel pain. Longing. Sorrow.
He felt alone.
There wasn't anything more to live for.
Near set down the picture, still clutching the robot. He finally reached for the old tarrot card deck he had. While searching for the one labled "Death" he thought of Matt.
'He gave me these. For Christmas. He called me a friend. I didn't even know the meaning of such a useless word.' It was no longer useless. Matt was a friend, a good one. And he would kill to have all his friends back.
While shuffling through the deck, Near finally came across "Death" flipping it over to the front and retrieved the small razor blade taped to it.
'This was Matt's.' He thought flipping it over in his fingers.
He felt an overwhelming sadness as he remembered the past encounter leading him to come into possession of the blade.
/Flashback/
"Matt?" Near asked as he saw the red head in the corner of his room at Wammy's. "Matt! what are you doing!" He asked upon seeing Matt crying in the corner with bloody sleeves.
He ran over sitting down infront of him. Pulling Matt's hands from his wet eyes. As Matt released his balled up hands, the razor fell to the cold floor. He had never seen Matt like this. He could only wonder. 'Why?'
"M-matt?" Why.
The red head slowly looked up into Near's eyes. They were bloodshot and distant. "Why?" He stared. He said nothing. Just stared.
"..Mello...left. Me." He breathed. Mello was always leaving. Could he not see what the has doing to him?
"Matt...scars wont heal if you keep cutting.." he ment it to be taken literally and metaphorically. He needed to let go of Mello, and see that he wanted to be there for him.
Near finally leaned over hand kissed Matt's forehead. He picked up the fallen blade and hid it. He would retreive it later.
"Get up." He said softly as he stood up and helped Matt off the floor, across the room, and on to the bed.
Matt kicked his boots off and lay on his back staring at the ceiling with dull eyes. Near left to the bathroom.
Upon returning, Near held a wet wash towel. "Let me see your arm." He demanded. Matt obeyed lifting his left arm toward Near.
Examining it Near found that they weren't deep enough to cause long term damage. He cleaned up Matt's arms. "..Don't ever...just never again..promise me." He said while Matt averted his gaze to him. "I promise.." Matt replied staring at him. He left again to throw the wash towel in the dirty laundry.
Returning he found Matt asleep on the bed. He leaned of to kiss his forehead again. 'If he could only understand..I..love him.' Near lamented to himself.
He turned around to leave, but stopped as his wrist was caught. He turned to find Matt staring up at him with red eyes.
"Stay...please. Sleep with me tonight.." He whispered. Near leaned down to his face to kiss the last falling tear for that night. He layed himself down by Matt in the small bed. "Goodnight.." he whispered into Matt's ear. Kissing the sleeping boys forehead, he shut his eyes and wrapped his arms around the his favorite friend.
/end flashback/
That memory brought more pain to Near. Matt never understood how much he loved him. They shared moments together, kissed, hugged, they felt for eachother, but not one "I love you" was shared.
He loved Matt with not just his heart but his soul too.
Near gasped for air over and over as his sobs grew louder and longer, pulling at his hair and screaming. "I want them back!...*sob* please!...just give him back to me..."
"Damn it..." He sobbed to himself clutching the blade and tarot card once again.
"I loved you!.." He screamed into his knees.
'We will see eachother soon..' He thought.
Clutching the blade and card, Near drew in a deep final breath. One full of fear, love, and loneliness.
Blood spilled over his arms and hands as Near painted his arms with cuts as an artist would paint a clean canvas with brush strokes.
"I love you Matt.." He cried as he soon became faint. He slipped into darkness.
"Death" and a blade were the last thing Near had in his possession.
Everything had been ripped away from him.