Petra: Okay... before I even continue I want you to know that this is DEPRESSING!!! Horribly so... even I found it depressing and I wrote it...
Kati: So, if you're in a good mood, DO NOT READ!!! You have been warned...
Petra: I want to say that I got this idea when I was listening to Harry Potter #3 for God-only-knows-exactly-how-many-times as I played Tomb Raider. I had just listened to the part where they talk about how everyone turned on Harry after he, Hermione, and Neville lost 150 points when I felt really mad. What right did they have to judge what had happened when they didn't even know the truth?! It reminded be so much of my grade school days (betcha thought I was going to say high school, didn't ya?) that I couldn't help but think, how could someone not be affected forever by it and, then, what happened if there was more to Harry than what met the eye? How could Harry stay so positive and innocent after all he's been through...? So this is my take on it all...
DEDICATED: For everyone who struggles against their darker self.
WARNING: Angst, lots and lots of depressing stuff for those of you who don't know what angst is. A rather twisted idea of Harry Potter but, hey, I'm the writer, I'll write what I want... And there's cussing at the end author notes. PG for cussing and the darkness. I have changed this to take place after Book 5 (it almost seems to fit better, ne?)
DISCLAIMER: I don't own Harry Potter but I do own this fic and the idea behind it. If you want to continue the story I have nothing against it, in fact, I'd love to see it, but just tell me.
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Darker Than Loneliness; Hating the Night
"Always too late does the knowledge come . . . Or too early to comprehend . . . What and where the meaning lies . . . We grow and find ourselves having drifted . . . Too far off to be rescued . . . " -Blue; Meant to Be (SM)
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TIME: Harry's 6th Year; December 25th; 12:13am; Following Book 5
No one really understands how lonely you can be, even surrounded by thousands of people. Thousands of people all around me but I only feel more alone. It's funny, people say that I'm the light, that I'm the good... but I know, deep inside myself, that I'm darker than anyone. I'm surrounded by the darkness and the people who walk in it can see that; that's why they try to kill me, because I walk in the dark, yet I try desperately to push it back. I, unlike them, deny my own nature...
I suppose I must be confusing you now, as you have no idea who I am. I am Harry Potter. That's right, I can almost see your eyes widening, your mouth dropping open, shock filling your gaze. THE Harry Potter wrote this? 'The Boy Who Lived', the one who defeated Lord Voldemort when he was eleven and twelve? Who survived Sirius Black at thirteen and Voldemort, again, at fourteen and fifteen? Everyone in the wizarding world knows my name and, despite what other people might think, this does nothing to help my loneliness, instead it makes it all the greater.
"How?" you're probably asking, wondering how I can be lonely, when surrounded by all the people who love and admire me? How would you like, to when you meet someone, for an image of you to already be in his or her head? To have them think that they already know you? That this is how you are and, if you're not, it's because you're doing it for one of these 'good' or 'for the light' reasons?
The Sorting Hat first brought the darkness that was my nature to my attention, even though I now know that I had always realized it was there, when it whispered into my ear how great I would be in Slytherin. I protested because I had felt the darkness inside me jump at the word and I knew, instantly, that if I went there it would take me over. That was also the reason I refused Malfoy's friendship, I knew that if I took that hand, there was no turning back... And every single time the darkness threatens to envelope me I push it back for one more hour, one more day, one more week...
I've always known about the darkness I think, it just came more into view when I first wore the Sorting Hat but, even then, I never really knew how dark and deep it was until they all turned on me. That was when I realized how alone I really was and, if it weren't for Ron and Hermione, I would have snapped. When Hermione, Neville, and I lost those points, and the whole school just turned on me, I realized that not a single one really even cared. They all liked being with me, it made them fell important because they knew someone famous, and, sometimes, when the darkness is closest, I can't help but wonder if that's the reason Hermione and Ron stick by me.
Do you know what it is like to have a whole school suddenly hate you without even asking why? I do, for I have had it happen so many times that I am surprised I have not gone mad and, each time it happens, I feel myself getting a little closer to the blackness, a little closer to the evil that I know lurks deep inside me.
At first I tried to act like myself but, as I soon found out, they didn't want Harry Potter, they wanted 'The Boy Who Lived'. They didn't want the human, they wanted the idol and, through these years, I have learned to fit the description they want of me. Every once in a while though, like when Collin annoyed me, I break and the real me gets through. I won't lie to you and say that it pains me; instead, it feels liberating, feeling the passion and fire rise forth within me, having the blackness sweep across my heart... I remember back on that second year and almost laugh, as I realize that I *could* have been Slytherin's heir if only I had given into the darkness sooner.
Voldemort realizes it too. Every time I meet him, that same smile passes over his face, the smile that says, "You're not as pure as you look Harry Potter and you know it, and I know it, but no one else does... How long will it be before they ALL find out?" And every year it's the same old battle, not with Voldemort, not with Malfoy, not with Snape, but with my own darkness, the darkness that is constantly trying to destroy that good in me... and year after year I feel it succeed, feel it getting closer. One day it's going to completely destroy whatever good I have and, in the process, destroy me...
Through it all, I'm lonely. No one knows the real me, not even Ron and Hermione. No one sees past the innocent eyes and the humility in those same distorting emeralds. Then of course, you can't see something if you don't look, and no one does. I hate the night... I hate the darkness because it reminds me of what I should be... what I am... More than I hate the darkness, though, I hate the truths that lie in the shadowy depths... The truths I have to keep denying, if I don't want to be smothered in them... The truth, that I, the famous Harry Potter, am darker than anyone in Slytherin, darker then Snape, darker then Malfoy... Darker... then even Voldemort...
Now, people... Cedric... ... ... ... Sirius... are dead... and Voldemort's growing more powerful by the day... but... I feel no remorse, little sorrow. The only thing I feel is doubt and ice; is it possible to feel this dead inside when I'm still alive? Now, the only thing that plagues my mind is questions. Will I die before the darkness engulfs me or will I soon join Voldemort? How much longer will the good last? How much more time do I have before the darkness overtakes me? When? The questions overwhelm me but the night only stays silent and still around me, no noise except for the breathing of myself and my classmates...
Now, before I slip into a sleep full of tossing and turnings, plagued by nightmares of the darkness that is me, I will send one more question into the great cosmic nothingness: Will anyone care when it happens?
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IMPORTANT NOTE: For those of you that wish it, DUE TO MY SPORADIC postings, I am offering you, the readers, A MAILING LIST to sign up to. When I finally UPDATE, I will SEND OUT AN EMAIL informing those of you that are on the list that I have finally updated. I need you to EMAIL me, telling that you wish to sign up, and whether it's for ORIGINAL FICTION or FANFICTION. I WILL NOT accept those people that ask to be up on it in a review because I can't be sure that email is real. The mailing list will ALSO OFFER the TITLES of those works that I am posting, the COUPLES (if any) that are in it, which FANDOM it is from, and whether it is a SEQUEL to anything.
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12.01.03
Petra: This, believe it or not, really did make me want to cry when I read it over again, long ago. I have to say that this will always, in my mind, be one of my greatest fics not because I particularily like it, but because it touched so many people. It was my first "big hit" and because of that it will hold a special place in my heart always. This is actually a newer version, with *very* small changes made so... those of you who read it through once, you'll be able to tell the small things I changed.
Kati: Mostly, though, we proof-read it over and over...
Petra: *groan* Headache just thinking about it...
"I dream of a day when I can open my eyes, and my dreams won't disappear."
-Rose Marie Ledam
~Petra Megami Assari~
*The Gentle Tiger Goddess*
Kati: So, if you're in a good mood, DO NOT READ!!! You have been warned...
Petra: I want to say that I got this idea when I was listening to Harry Potter #3 for God-only-knows-exactly-how-many-times as I played Tomb Raider. I had just listened to the part where they talk about how everyone turned on Harry after he, Hermione, and Neville lost 150 points when I felt really mad. What right did they have to judge what had happened when they didn't even know the truth?! It reminded be so much of my grade school days (betcha thought I was going to say high school, didn't ya?) that I couldn't help but think, how could someone not be affected forever by it and, then, what happened if there was more to Harry than what met the eye? How could Harry stay so positive and innocent after all he's been through...? So this is my take on it all...
DEDICATED: For everyone who struggles against their darker self.
WARNING: Angst, lots and lots of depressing stuff for those of you who don't know what angst is. A rather twisted idea of Harry Potter but, hey, I'm the writer, I'll write what I want... And there's cussing at the end author notes. PG for cussing and the darkness. I have changed this to take place after Book 5 (it almost seems to fit better, ne?)
DISCLAIMER: I don't own Harry Potter but I do own this fic and the idea behind it. If you want to continue the story I have nothing against it, in fact, I'd love to see it, but just tell me.
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Darker Than Loneliness; Hating the Night
"Always too late does the knowledge come . . . Or too early to comprehend . . . What and where the meaning lies . . . We grow and find ourselves having drifted . . . Too far off to be rescued . . . " -Blue; Meant to Be (SM)
-._.-._.-._.-._.-._.-._.-._.-._.-._.-._.-._.-._.-
TIME: Harry's 6th Year; December 25th; 12:13am; Following Book 5
No one really understands how lonely you can be, even surrounded by thousands of people. Thousands of people all around me but I only feel more alone. It's funny, people say that I'm the light, that I'm the good... but I know, deep inside myself, that I'm darker than anyone. I'm surrounded by the darkness and the people who walk in it can see that; that's why they try to kill me, because I walk in the dark, yet I try desperately to push it back. I, unlike them, deny my own nature...
I suppose I must be confusing you now, as you have no idea who I am. I am Harry Potter. That's right, I can almost see your eyes widening, your mouth dropping open, shock filling your gaze. THE Harry Potter wrote this? 'The Boy Who Lived', the one who defeated Lord Voldemort when he was eleven and twelve? Who survived Sirius Black at thirteen and Voldemort, again, at fourteen and fifteen? Everyone in the wizarding world knows my name and, despite what other people might think, this does nothing to help my loneliness, instead it makes it all the greater.
"How?" you're probably asking, wondering how I can be lonely, when surrounded by all the people who love and admire me? How would you like, to when you meet someone, for an image of you to already be in his or her head? To have them think that they already know you? That this is how you are and, if you're not, it's because you're doing it for one of these 'good' or 'for the light' reasons?
The Sorting Hat first brought the darkness that was my nature to my attention, even though I now know that I had always realized it was there, when it whispered into my ear how great I would be in Slytherin. I protested because I had felt the darkness inside me jump at the word and I knew, instantly, that if I went there it would take me over. That was also the reason I refused Malfoy's friendship, I knew that if I took that hand, there was no turning back... And every single time the darkness threatens to envelope me I push it back for one more hour, one more day, one more week...
I've always known about the darkness I think, it just came more into view when I first wore the Sorting Hat but, even then, I never really knew how dark and deep it was until they all turned on me. That was when I realized how alone I really was and, if it weren't for Ron and Hermione, I would have snapped. When Hermione, Neville, and I lost those points, and the whole school just turned on me, I realized that not a single one really even cared. They all liked being with me, it made them fell important because they knew someone famous, and, sometimes, when the darkness is closest, I can't help but wonder if that's the reason Hermione and Ron stick by me.
Do you know what it is like to have a whole school suddenly hate you without even asking why? I do, for I have had it happen so many times that I am surprised I have not gone mad and, each time it happens, I feel myself getting a little closer to the blackness, a little closer to the evil that I know lurks deep inside me.
At first I tried to act like myself but, as I soon found out, they didn't want Harry Potter, they wanted 'The Boy Who Lived'. They didn't want the human, they wanted the idol and, through these years, I have learned to fit the description they want of me. Every once in a while though, like when Collin annoyed me, I break and the real me gets through. I won't lie to you and say that it pains me; instead, it feels liberating, feeling the passion and fire rise forth within me, having the blackness sweep across my heart... I remember back on that second year and almost laugh, as I realize that I *could* have been Slytherin's heir if only I had given into the darkness sooner.
Voldemort realizes it too. Every time I meet him, that same smile passes over his face, the smile that says, "You're not as pure as you look Harry Potter and you know it, and I know it, but no one else does... How long will it be before they ALL find out?" And every year it's the same old battle, not with Voldemort, not with Malfoy, not with Snape, but with my own darkness, the darkness that is constantly trying to destroy that good in me... and year after year I feel it succeed, feel it getting closer. One day it's going to completely destroy whatever good I have and, in the process, destroy me...
Through it all, I'm lonely. No one knows the real me, not even Ron and Hermione. No one sees past the innocent eyes and the humility in those same distorting emeralds. Then of course, you can't see something if you don't look, and no one does. I hate the night... I hate the darkness because it reminds me of what I should be... what I am... More than I hate the darkness, though, I hate the truths that lie in the shadowy depths... The truths I have to keep denying, if I don't want to be smothered in them... The truth, that I, the famous Harry Potter, am darker than anyone in Slytherin, darker then Snape, darker then Malfoy... Darker... then even Voldemort...
Now, people... Cedric... ... ... ... Sirius... are dead... and Voldemort's growing more powerful by the day... but... I feel no remorse, little sorrow. The only thing I feel is doubt and ice; is it possible to feel this dead inside when I'm still alive? Now, the only thing that plagues my mind is questions. Will I die before the darkness engulfs me or will I soon join Voldemort? How much longer will the good last? How much more time do I have before the darkness overtakes me? When? The questions overwhelm me but the night only stays silent and still around me, no noise except for the breathing of myself and my classmates...
Now, before I slip into a sleep full of tossing and turnings, plagued by nightmares of the darkness that is me, I will send one more question into the great cosmic nothingness: Will anyone care when it happens?
-._.-._.-._.-._.-._.-._.-._.-._.-._.-._.-._.-._.-
IMPORTANT NOTE: For those of you that wish it, DUE TO MY SPORADIC postings, I am offering you, the readers, A MAILING LIST to sign up to. When I finally UPDATE, I will SEND OUT AN EMAIL informing those of you that are on the list that I have finally updated. I need you to EMAIL me, telling that you wish to sign up, and whether it's for ORIGINAL FICTION or FANFICTION. I WILL NOT accept those people that ask to be up on it in a review because I can't be sure that email is real. The mailing list will ALSO OFFER the TITLES of those works that I am posting, the COUPLES (if any) that are in it, which FANDOM it is from, and whether it is a SEQUEL to anything.
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12.01.03
Petra: This, believe it or not, really did make me want to cry when I read it over again, long ago. I have to say that this will always, in my mind, be one of my greatest fics not because I particularily like it, but because it touched so many people. It was my first "big hit" and because of that it will hold a special place in my heart always. This is actually a newer version, with *very* small changes made so... those of you who read it through once, you'll be able to tell the small things I changed.
Kati: Mostly, though, we proof-read it over and over...
Petra: *groan* Headache just thinking about it...
"I dream of a day when I can open my eyes, and my dreams won't disappear."
-Rose Marie Ledam
~Petra Megami Assari~
*The Gentle Tiger Goddess*