TITLE: Realization
AUTHOR: Emlyn
DESCRIPTION: Season 8 -- Stricken by grief and lonliness after Mulder's
death, Scully visits an old friend for comfort, where she reminisces about
her and Mulder's years together ... and realizes that she was in love with
him.
RATING: PG
DISCLAIMER: I do not own X-Files or any of the characters therein. They
belong to Chris Carter, Ten Thirteen, and Fox.
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Scully's hand felt like it weighed a ton as she lifted it to knock on the door. Her entire body felt weighted, as though she was struggling to halt its slow descent into the earth. There was a constant knot in her throat that couldn't be released -- she knew here, at this house, she would have to face what had happened by voicing her feelings, Ellen would see to that. Scully dreaded it, feared it -- but she had to do something. Something -- anything -- whatever it took, she didn't care -- anything to stop this desperation, this interminable pain.
Ellen opened the door and took her in with a smile. "Dana! What a --" She stopped short when she noticed the look on Scully's face, and moved back immediately to let her friend in. "My goodness, Dana, what's wrong?"
Scully stepped into the house uncomfortably, and looked about her. "I-I know it's late -- I wouldn't have come, but . . ."
Ellen was so unaccustomed to this side of her friend; her eyes were red and brimming with tears yet to be cried, her voice was wavering unsurely. "Nonsense, Dana. Come into the den. I'll make you some iced tea."
Iced tea. Dazed, Scully shook her head. "No -- please, I'm not thirsty." She swallowed hard to recover herself.
Later, the two women sat on the couch in Ellen's dimly-lit living room. Scully had told her about her partner of seven years' death.
"Have you been to the funeral?" Ellen asked gently.
Scully shook her head. "It's tomorrow." She absentmindedly fingered the fringe on a decorative pillow. "I don't know how I'll bear it . . . I don't want to see him buried, because . . . somehow that makes it all permanent. I mean, I know it's permanent now, but . . ."
"You feel like he's still alive, don't you?" Ellen said softly.
"I do. He's everywhere, El," Scully whispered. "I think I have more memories of the last seven years than of the first thirty years of my life. He was extraordinary in so many ways. He made my life extraordinary. He showed me so much, El. But -- among everything I've experienced with him, this . . . this is by far the hardest to believe."
Ellen put her hand on Scully's. "It hurts now. But it'll get better."
Scully shook her head. "Will it?" Her lips trembled and a tear trailed down her cheek. "This isn't the first time I've lost him. He . . . went missing a couple months ago. I was lost without him . . . but then I still had hope that someday he'd return. Now I have nothing."
"But you still have memories, Dana," Ellen said gently. "All those memories are painful, but they're necessary. They keep him alive. He's alive in you."
She couldn't hold back her tears any longer. She didn't even try. "It hurts so much . . ." Scully said brokenly. Then she cried freely and quietly. Ellen stroked her hair and gathered her into a hug.
Scully remembered . . .
"Oh, isn't it nice to be suddenly so highly regarded?"
Mulder telling her about his sister's disappearance.
"Mulder, you're the only one I trust."
"How are you, Dana?"
"I would trust him with my life."
Mulder holding her tightly after she was kidnapped.
Coming to the explosion in the desert, and knowing Mulder was in it.
Stranded on a rock with him in the middle of a lake -
"Scully, you're the only one I trust."
Mulder hugging her after she was diagnosed with cancer.
"But you saved me, Scully. You've made me a whole person."
Mulder lips brushing against hers.
"You were my constant . . . my touchstone."
Mulder teaching her how to bat.
Mulder getting into bed next to her. "There has to be an end, Scully."
Scully's eyes flew open and she gasped as a fresh wave of pain swept over her and through her and around her, engulfing her as realization struck.
"Dana? What is it?"
Scully sat up and looked at her friend with hopeless desperation. "Oh, El, I think I was in love with him."
Ellen's heart filled with pity. "In love? Oh, Dana, all these years?"
Scully shook her head with a little smile. "No. No, I don't think so. He was my . . ." She couldn't say friend. 'Friend' was so trite . . . Ellen was her friend; her boss, Skinner, was her friend; but Mulder . . . "He was my touchstone." Scully smiled through her tears. "I think we put our lives in each other's hands the day we met . . . and I've belonged to him ever since. But recently . . ." Scully swallowed hard and Ellen put her hand on her arm comfortingly. "The past few months I've felt . . . different. And now that he's really gone, I finally understand . . ."
Mulder holding her, his forehead pressed against hers. "Never give up on a miracle."
"I loved him."
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Scully's hand felt like it weighed a ton as she lifted it to knock on the door. Her entire body felt weighted, as though she was struggling to halt its slow descent into the earth. There was a constant knot in her throat that couldn't be released -- she knew here, at this house, she would have to face what had happened by voicing her feelings, Ellen would see to that. Scully dreaded it, feared it -- but she had to do something. Something -- anything -- whatever it took, she didn't care -- anything to stop this desperation, this interminable pain.
Ellen opened the door and took her in with a smile. "Dana! What a --" She stopped short when she noticed the look on Scully's face, and moved back immediately to let her friend in. "My goodness, Dana, what's wrong?"
Scully stepped into the house uncomfortably, and looked about her. "I-I know it's late -- I wouldn't have come, but . . ."
Ellen was so unaccustomed to this side of her friend; her eyes were red and brimming with tears yet to be cried, her voice was wavering unsurely. "Nonsense, Dana. Come into the den. I'll make you some iced tea."
Iced tea. Dazed, Scully shook her head. "No -- please, I'm not thirsty." She swallowed hard to recover herself.
Later, the two women sat on the couch in Ellen's dimly-lit living room. Scully had told her about her partner of seven years' death.
"Have you been to the funeral?" Ellen asked gently.
Scully shook her head. "It's tomorrow." She absentmindedly fingered the fringe on a decorative pillow. "I don't know how I'll bear it . . . I don't want to see him buried, because . . . somehow that makes it all permanent. I mean, I know it's permanent now, but . . ."
"You feel like he's still alive, don't you?" Ellen said softly.
"I do. He's everywhere, El," Scully whispered. "I think I have more memories of the last seven years than of the first thirty years of my life. He was extraordinary in so many ways. He made my life extraordinary. He showed me so much, El. But -- among everything I've experienced with him, this . . . this is by far the hardest to believe."
Ellen put her hand on Scully's. "It hurts now. But it'll get better."
Scully shook her head. "Will it?" Her lips trembled and a tear trailed down her cheek. "This isn't the first time I've lost him. He . . . went missing a couple months ago. I was lost without him . . . but then I still had hope that someday he'd return. Now I have nothing."
"But you still have memories, Dana," Ellen said gently. "All those memories are painful, but they're necessary. They keep him alive. He's alive in you."
She couldn't hold back her tears any longer. She didn't even try. "It hurts so much . . ." Scully said brokenly. Then she cried freely and quietly. Ellen stroked her hair and gathered her into a hug.
Scully remembered . . .
"Oh, isn't it nice to be suddenly so highly regarded?"
Mulder telling her about his sister's disappearance.
"Mulder, you're the only one I trust."
"How are you, Dana?"
"I would trust him with my life."
Mulder holding her tightly after she was kidnapped.
Coming to the explosion in the desert, and knowing Mulder was in it.
Stranded on a rock with him in the middle of a lake -
"Scully, you're the only one I trust."
Mulder hugging her after she was diagnosed with cancer.
"But you saved me, Scully. You've made me a whole person."
Mulder lips brushing against hers.
"You were my constant . . . my touchstone."
Mulder teaching her how to bat.
Mulder getting into bed next to her. "There has to be an end, Scully."
Scully's eyes flew open and she gasped as a fresh wave of pain swept over her and through her and around her, engulfing her as realization struck.
"Dana? What is it?"
Scully sat up and looked at her friend with hopeless desperation. "Oh, El, I think I was in love with him."
Ellen's heart filled with pity. "In love? Oh, Dana, all these years?"
Scully shook her head with a little smile. "No. No, I don't think so. He was my . . ." She couldn't say friend. 'Friend' was so trite . . . Ellen was her friend; her boss, Skinner, was her friend; but Mulder . . . "He was my touchstone." Scully smiled through her tears. "I think we put our lives in each other's hands the day we met . . . and I've belonged to him ever since. But recently . . ." Scully swallowed hard and Ellen put her hand on her arm comfortingly. "The past few months I've felt . . . different. And now that he's really gone, I finally understand . . ."
Mulder holding her, his forehead pressed against hers. "Never give up on a miracle."
"I loved him."