Never Had to Feel Like This

Authors Note: This isn't really wincest, but I suppose you can take it however you want. This is just what I came up with after 'Mannequin 3'. Also this is only my second post in the fandom so let me know what you guys think!

I'm not used to feeling like this. I'm not used to feeling like I've lost you. I'm not used to seeing you look at me like this.

It's horrifying.

Our whole lives I've tried to run away, one attempt after another. I just never manage to stay gone; no matter how hard I try.

Believe me I've tried.

I've never had to look at you and try to convince you to stay.

Our whole lives your only mission has been to stay, to protect me, and you've done it.

I've spent so much time trying to convince you I can handle myself. I don't know why I do. I know I can handle myself, but deep down, do I really want to?

You've always been there to protect me; I just wish you had someone to protect you.

I've tried. I still try. I try so damn hard.

You're all I have; you're all that matters. It took a long time to realize that.

I've made bad choices. I've seen you look at me like you wish you didn't know me. Like you wish I was dead. But you always stay. You always take me back. You never leave me.

I've never had to prove that I love you. You were too busy proving that you loved me.

I regret it.

You never told me that you loved me, but when you looked at me, I knew. When Lucifer stole my body, and you stayed- I knew.

I knew long before that.

When I drank demon blood, when you caught me, I thought you were going to give up on me. You called me a monster. I started the apocalypse. It was my fault.

The way you looked at me after that killed me. But you came back. You didn't let Michael wear you to the prom. You still cared about me.

When I came back after a year with no soul, you took care of me. You got my soul back. You left Lisa and Ben to take care of me. I know that, even though you won't admit it. Heaven forbid I face my guilt.

I've never had to convince you to care about me. You just always have.

And now- well, now I don't know.

You're looking at me like loving me isn't a choice you've made. Like if there was any way you could stop caring about me you'd do it in a heartbeat. Like you wish you could stop loving me.

You want to be with Lisa and Ben. I know you do. And when I thought I was going to spend eternity in the cage, that's what I wanted.

I wanted you to be happy and have a family that loved you.

And now I can't stand it.

I'm your family. I love you. I need you, even when I won't say it.

But I know I can't say that out loud.

It's wrong and selfish. I have no right to say it, especially when I know you won't leave if I do. If I tell you not to go, then you won't. I know that. But I need you to want to stay.

I need you to love me like you used to. Like it wasn't some curse you had placed on you.

So here I am as you're talking about Lisa and Ben, and I'm thanking you for getting my soul back. I'm trying to be grateful and I'm trying to show you how much I need you. I know I'm doing a terrible job.

Because I've never had to convince you to stay. I've never had to convince you I'm worth loving. I've never had to feel like you were going to leave me and never come back. I've never had to feel like you'd be happier if I was gone. I've never had to feel like I was going to be left all alone.

And I've never had to rely on the look in my eyes to convince you I'd rather die than lose you.

I love you Dean.

I just hope you can see it.