by Brensgrrl (marajade@looknlearn.com)
Rating: PG-13; AU, Angst, Romance
Keyword: Pre-TPM; Romance; AU
Summary: Obi-Wan is refused.
Warning: Angst
Archive: Anywhere with my emailed permission.
Feedback: marajade@looknlearn.com. Very welcome, because this piece has not been betaed, but flames will be used to light the fireplace!
Disclaimer: Everything except Quinn Harring and the thin plot belongs to George Lucas. I am grateful to be able to play in his wonderful world of make believe.. I'm broke and only writing this for fun, so please don't sue me.
The title for this story is derived from Francis Thompson's Daisy: "Nothing begins and nothing ends, That is not paid with moan; For we are born in other's pain, and perish in our own."
**************
The realization hit me with the force of a blaster bolt to the guts, and the forkful of food froze in the air halfway between the plate and my mouth.
"Your master isn't joining us, is he?"
It was more an announcement than a question, coming hot on the heels of my discernment of how naive I had been.
Across the table from me, he also halted in midmotion, the bottle of wine cradled in both his hands. He looked like a mugruebe caught in the headlamps of an onrushing speeder, and I laughed out loud.
I guess we trapped each other.
Nope. This wasn't a case of comrades in arms and circumstance breaking bread together to celebrate the end of a long and dangerous mission. This was something else, lock, stock and barrel. My mind did a quick replay of recent events and I winced when I understood that denial had eclipsed my reason. I am stupid, stupid, stupid. Maybe it is time to hang up the blasters and find a nice quiet repulsor chair next to a fire someplace. In the moment of naked honesty that usually follows being figuratively caught with one's pants down, I could admit to myself that I knew this might happen. For weeks he had been fascinated with me. Fascination turned into a charming flirtation, that I playfully reciprocated by calling him Angel Eyes and letting him coddle me. It was all a game, just play. . . I didn't really mean anything by it and neither did he.
There I go again, lying to myself.
I took a breath and put the fork down. Something told me that I may as well look around and confirm my worst suspicions, so I got up from the well-laden table and went straight to the bedroom door and threw it open.
It was as bad as I thought it was. Hell, it was worse.
The bed was covered with a downy white coverlet augmented by a number of white pillows of different sizes and shapes. There was a very large bouquet of showy flowers on the side table along with two glasses and another bottle of wine in a cooler. Dozens of lit candles were placed everywhere. The air was perfumed with incense and the sound of soft music was coming from somewhere. My throat constricted with the notion that the room was like a bridal chamber. I know that Jedi don't have much money to throw around, and it was clear that he had spent quite a few dataries to create this little love nest. This was more than seduction, bigger than an invitation to a quick bang. I had figured out that he was interested but I didn't know he was that serious.
He was serious. . .about me. My heart sped up at the thought. But no. I had to stuff those feelings. Had to.
I felt really bad about the waste of money, but I needed to put a stop to this. After all, it was my sanity that was at stake here. It had taken me nearly two years to tie the raggedy pieces of it back together and get back what was left of my life, and I couldn't face that kind of hell again.
I closed the door and turned around only to find myself nose-to-nose with him. You'd think I'd be used to Jedi stealth after spending six months with them but I guess there are some things that you never really get used to.
"Typical Jedi bedroom?"
His arms were instantly around me. By the myriad gods, his eyes were beautiful! But I already knew that--after all, I had grabbed every available opportunity during the past few months to look into them.
"I'll bet this took a lot of work. . ."
And then his lips were on mine. There were no overtures, no evasions or apologies for his desire. His tongue slipped into my mouth as his head tilted to one side, demanding more access. The kiss was long and very sweet, and when he withdrew I felt so dazed that I barely realized that he was leading me by the hand. We were halfway into the bedroom by the time I regained my senses.
"I want you, and I know that you want me." His arms went around me again.
"No, Angel Eyes. " I whispered as I twirled his apprentice braid between my fingers and met that stormy gaze.
"You don't want to be with me?" Just the sound of his voice was enough to make me weak.
I stammered, mentally reaching for the right words --something, anything to say that wouldn't be a total lie. "Uh. . .it's not that you aren't desirable. It's just that I can't do this, okay?"
He smiled seductively, and closed his eyes. I felt his probe, a little tickle of Force brushing against my awareness, subtle and tender. "I love you, Quinn." his embrace tightened. " And I sense your love for me."
Hearing the truth spoken aloud stunned me, and he took advantage of my distress to deliver another searing kiss that turned my knees to water and very nearly crushed my resolve. But I won the battle that was raging inside me, and I broke the kiss by wedging my palms up against his chest and giving a little push. The look of want in his eyes was heartrending. Someday, my sweet Angel, you'll thank me for this.
"It doesn't matter how I feel. Common sense tells me that we shouldn't do this. If you search your mind, you'll see how crazy this is."
"So I am crazy for loving you and wanting you?"
He was much too close to me. I crossed the room and looked out the window on the Coruscant night. Weather Control had decreed a light snow for this evening and huge fluffy flakes swirled in the wakes of transports and collected in little drifts on the ledges and balconies of buildings. I ran my fingers through my hair, cupping my skull between my hands for a minute like that would stop my real thoughts from spilling out.
"You don't have a crazy bone in your body, Obi-Wan. It's me. I've had bad luck with things like this. Really bad luck, okay. I just can't go through anymore shit."
He came to stand next to me. "This isn't frivolous, Quinn. I'd never hurt you."
"Yeah, right." I interrupted. " If I had a credit for every time I heard that one. . ."
He ducked his head, visibly hurt by my sarcasm.
"Look, I'm sorry. . ." I reached for his hand. "That was a lousy thing for me to say. It's just that we are of two different realities, that's all. You're Jedi--you have your duties to the Force and the galaxy. I'm a broken-down former military pilot that's living out her fantasy of being a Master Trader. You're young and pretty and your life is really just beginning; I'm used-up merchandise on a last hurrah. Hell, I can't even give you babies. . ." I smiled a little at that last, feeling every minute of my 39 years. Nothing was as exhausting as denial. "Trust me--you don't want to be bound to me. When you get right down to it we have nothing in common."
"We have love in common. I know my feelings, and I know that the Force brought us together. I know that you love me too. " His arm slipped around my waist, and he drew me close so that we stood hip to hip. "Being with you feels so right, deep inside me. What I don't understand is how ignoring your own feelings is going to keep you from being hurt."
If you only knew, Angel Eyes.
We stood, not speaking, just staring out into the busy-ness of the restless world city, and my memories rushed in to fill the silence that crouched between us.
If only you knew about the one time I let myself get carried away by my feelings. Yeah, just like everyone else, I had my share of casual affairs, pretty little copilots and naval officers, bedded and been bedded just for fun or sexual release or out of boredom. Nothing serious--no regrets. All tabs settled when the ship took off.
And then I met Kenn.
A buyer had hired me to transport a load of hyperdrive components from the Kuat Drive Yards to the Outer Rim. Kenn was the engineering technician assigned to ticket and oversee the loading. Processing the goods took a standard week, during which we became friends.
Real good friends. Lovers, in fact.
Falling into bed with Kenn wasn't hard to do. He was, easily, the best looking man I had ever seen--up to the present point, anyway. When I first laid eyes on him he was wearing the same nondescript coveralls as the rest of the engineers, but even that couldn't hide his looks. He was tall and dark, violet-eyed, with unruly short black hair that gave him the touseled look of someone just who just woke up. Later, when we made love, I got to see the full extent of his charms, including his quick wit and wonderful sense of humor. So beautiful and so sexy.
So it was no wonder that I was thrilled when he agreed to leave Kuat and come with me.
If only I had known that I was making the worst mistake of my life. Who was it that first said hindsight is perfect vision?
Yes, we had four wonderful years together, plying the spacelanes, looking for danger and opportunity. Four years of sharing peace and peril, fat times and lean ones, eating and sleeping, laughing and crying. We even fought side by side when we had to. I had his back and he had mine. Always together.
And I taught him everything I knew about being an entrepeneur--how to tell good jobs from bad ones, how to set prices for services, how to tell what was and wasn't a good deal, how to make sure you got paid. Always together.
He wasn't the only one who learned and who was taught. He was so brightly wise and full of insight; I found his common sense and perception so valuable on so many occasions. He was a blessing to me! I made a lot of money with his help. And we worked as one, always together. . . I loved him so much. We were more than lovers--we were best friends. I thought that we would always be together. . .
And then, one day he told me that he had to go home to take care of some family business. I didn't give it a second thought--friends help friends , so I took him back to Kuat.
I didn't even get suspicious when he didn't take me along to meet his family. Didn't find it strange that he left me waiting on the ship for three days with no contact. Didn't question the cryptic message to 'report to compound Kneissi' that I got on the evening of the third day.
So I 'reported,' and soon found myself escorted through the halls of an impressively expensive home and into a large vaulted room that was wall-to- wall with people who were dressed in impressively expensive clothes. I was told that it was a party for Master Trader Korin , so I accepted a drink and milled around with the rest of the guests, figuring that I was on the receiving end of another business proposition, and telling everyone that Kenn had invited me. Then I saw him.
I would never have known it was him but for the glimpse I caught of his face. When he knew that I spotted him, he smiled a little, but said nothing. And his face was the only thing you could see, and only if he was turned toward you.
He was dressed in heavy black aba robes, edged in gold and purple embroidery, his hands tucked into his sleeves, his beautiful messy hair concealed by a tall headdress. He was standing to the right of a haughty young woman who glared at me as I approached. And then I knew.
Somehow, my Kenn had become a telbun, the bound male concubine of a highborn lady.
He introduced me to the lady, his mistress, Korin of Kneissi. Master Trader Korin. My competition. She gave me a curt nod that made it perfectly clear that I was lower than the dust beneath her feet--and Kenn's.
I could almost hear my heart shatter when I realized that the past four years were nothing but a lie, that I had been nothing but a training exercise for him. I vaguely remember him drawing me aside to say how sorry he was, and that he really did love me, but this was the life for which he was born, that his family expected this of him. After that, I slipped into a kind of shock. I couldn't speak, couldn't answer. The more I realized what a fool I was, the sicker I got. All I could do was keep dumbly nodding my head as the bile rose in my throat and he droned on about family honor and duty. I wished him happiness and stumbled out of the vaulted room, back down the ornate hallways and out into the street.
Where I vomited.
I spent the next two weeks in hyperspace, doing my best to stay as drunk as I could.
Eventually, I dropped back into realspace out in the Itani System, and washed up at Darknon. Then I spent a few more weeks in the Stormview Lounge drinking as much watered down hootch as I could get and watering it down even more with my tears. I was forced out of there when my money ran out.
Funny, but the only thing I can remember about that time is wondering how much she paid for him and whether I could have bought him first if I had only known. . .
So I returned to my life of odd jobs and cold space. But with every breath I took I swore that I'd done the love thing for the last time. I'd go it alone for as long as it lasted. No more pretty copilots, officers, hangers- on. It would be all about the money and nothing else.
It was all about the money when I keyed up the Mass Motion Transport System and chose the job of making the Bacta Run out of Thyferra.
I knew the run was dangerous, but I didn't care. If I took the last jump on this one, then so be it. I signed up for as many trips as I could--the pay was real good for the risk. I didn't even care when the Corporation that hired me told me that Jedi Knights would make the trips with me because of piracy on Shapani Bypass. As long as they stayed the hell out of my way, I didn't give a damn.
I am such a liar. I have always cared. I cared for every minute of the mission. I wanted him from the first minute I saw him. Such a perfect Angel. I care now. I can't help it. But he's a telbun too, concubine to the Force.
And I can't afford you, my Angel Eyes. . .
I felt his fingers lace with mine and then I was drawn into his arms again. held close while little kisses rained on my forehead as if I were a child.
"Please let me love you and take care of you. I know that you have been hurt. Let me help. . ."
I brushed the back of my fingers against his cheek and he leaned into that little touch like a felinx. My eyes started to water.
"Thank you, but no. I've got to go before I make another mistake." I extricated myself from him as softly as I could and left that room. I went straight over to a low table by the door where my weapons had been placed. I concentrated on the process of rearming myself, anything to stop thinking about the evening, the dinner, the bedroom, him.
I shouldered the holster for the flechette gun; buckled on the hold-out blaster; sheathed the vibro blade.
From somewhere behind me I heard a whisper. "Don't go like this-- stay and we'll at least talk about it. . ."
I couldn't speak--didn't dare turn around.
I slipped on my vest and left without saying goodbye.
*************
In every heart there is a room A sanctuary safe and strong To heal the wounds from lovers past Until a new one comes along
I spoke to you in cautious tones You answered me with no pretense And still I feel I said too much My silence is my self defense
And every time I've held a rose It seems I only felt the thorns And so it goes, and so it goes And so will you soon I suppose
But if my silence made you leave Then that would be my worst mistake So I will share this room with you And you can have this heart to break
And this is why my eyes are closed It's just as well for all I've seen And so it goes, and so it goes And you're the only one who knows
So I would choose to be with you That's if the choice were mine to make But you can make decisions too And you can have this heart to break
And so it goes, and so it goes And you're the only one who knows.
-- Billy Joel