Ranma 1/2 : Juyza's Lyric
A Ranma 1/2 FanFic by Stefan "Twoflower" Gagne
(All characters copyright Rumiko-san, obviously. If I ever
even considered claiming that these were my own characters
I'd probably be thrown into a small cell where I'd be forced
to eat my own bladder to live.)
-=-
This story has three 'roots' to it that brought the concept
about.
The first is my series, March of the Pigs. Juyza gets an
EXTREMELY brief mention in that story, being the brother that was
kicked out to make room for Azusa Shiratori's ever-increasing
kawaii gallery. I named the brother and gave him a personality
for use on RanmaMUCK (very nice takahashi mania online, by the
way, ObPlug). The story does not take place AFTER MotP, since
Ryouga would be gone in that case.
It's not pure silliness; it tells the Ranma historik from
the POV of someone not directly involved in it. Often the
overlooked or rarely seen characters get the short end of the
stick, or miss out on the major action. In this respect, it's
very similar to the controversial Tiny Toon Adventures fanfic
series 'Mortimer' (although not as offensive) since it deals with
a character that was there all along but ignored, bringing about
a more serious tale in the same world.
Lastly, some of the concepts regarding Azusa and Mikado
(notably the character of Chance) are drawn from Mikado on
AnimeMUCK's unreleased fanfiction series. I've made sure to
explain these relationships here to prevent any prerequisite
reads, and keep the characters accurate to his work. Look for it
if it gets posted; it's really bizarre and quite hilarious.
(You can now find me on RanmaMUCK as Azusa, and I have a
puppet for Juyza there as well. Stop by and give me something
cute or I'll break your arm!)
Also, there is an EXTENSIVE postscript on this sucker
attached to the bottom of the story, dealing with the semi-
controversial nature of it ("Egads! Ranma, and it's not HAPPY
SILLY FUN FUN?!!? THE HORROR..."), since the story got an 80%
negative reaction amoung proofreaders. I'm releasing it anyway
because...
1. I spent 3 weeks on it, more than any other story to
date (INCLUDING FWLS stories...)
2. I dumped quite a spew of my own emotion into it.
3. I like it.
So, read on, but bewarned that it's not typically
Takahashian in nature. Variety is good. (This comment is not a
paid advertisement for Variety magazine, although if Variety were
to send me vast sums of money for mentioning it, I wouldn't mind.
Really.)
-=-
+-------------------------------------------+
| Mastered for optimal performance |
|in readability and character recognition...|
+-------------------------------------------+
+------------------------------------+
| The audience is reading |
| |
| #### ##### ##### ###### ###### |
| ## ## ## ## ## ## |
| ###### #### ## ## ## |
| ## ## ## ## ## ## |
| ## ## ##### ##### ###### ###### |
+------------------------------------+
(Supplemental material will be found on
the last disc, as well as the lyrics to
the closing song.)
+-------------+
| RANMA 1/2 |
+-------------+
+---------------+
| JUYZA'S LYRIC |
+---------------+
-=-
January 1st.
Second log entry. Yeah, I know, first one in the book but
that's because I ripped out the first entry in anger and tossed
it. Strange behavior, but I wasn't particularly happy at the
time. You wouldn't be either if your parents decided to abandon
ship on your life.
I'll summarize, or else this journal would be incomplete.
My name, as you can tell by the penknife scratched cover, is
Juyza. Juyza Shiratori. I'm not in any family photos because my
sister, little miss Azusa 'Kawaii' Shiratori whines that I'd
break the lens with my kawaiikunehood. You probably don't know
anything about me as a result of this.
We weren't much of a family, at least not under the surface.
On the surface you'd see good little housewife Mommy baking pies,
Daddy with a pipe and slippers, and adorable little Azusa playing
with a dolly on the living room rug. One big happy family. I'm
not in the picture of course, because I'm not ideal enough. Mom
and Dad ignored me, only dealing with me when I shoved my
existence into their faces.
"Mom, I got an A in science!" I cheered one day in the
fourth grade. "Ms. Hinako loved my remote control biohazard
handling robot."
"Hmm? Were you saying something, Juyza? Azusa, do that
teapot song again. I LOVE that! It's so kawaii."
She'd do it, and for the twentieth time that day, Mom would
applaud. They'd buy her dollies and candy and pets and nice
clothes while I made do on a pitiful allowance. It was a miracle
that I managed to get a computer from these skinflints; I got it
by promising that Azusa could play CD-ROM edutainment games on
it, a promise I never bothered fulfilling.
The Shiratoris had turned spoiling little girls into an
artform. Azusa got the most attention, but they heaped
undeserved rewards upon any other little girl that lurked in the
family tree of Shiratori... the male half of that tree formed a
brotherhood of apathy and rejection, bonding together to survive
the few times the Shiratori clan was forced to get together and
suffer through Azusa raised to the nth power.
Azusa ALWAYS, repeat, ALWAYS got her way. When Mom and Dad
showed the slightest negative signs, out would flow the tears
until they caved. I had to sit back and watch all of it, fending
for my own as much as possible.
Therefore, it's almost poetic justice that last week Mom and
Dad ditched us. They were feeding the demon that was my sister,
letting her grow strong and spoiled and rotten. She easily took
total control of the house; keeping me out of family photos was
just the start, the test to see what power she had over the rest
of my family. Soon she was decorating the house to her liking,
arranging cute crayon drawings for wall hanging instead of the
paintings that had been in the Shiratori family for years.
The time came after Christmas morning when Azusa was ready
to take the final step; total conquest of the house. It was
frightening. We woke up the next morning in the upstairs hall,
futons dragged out of our rooms. Inside the rooms was more
kawaii than one person could handle.
Azusa had taken over. My room was now the Pet Room, her
room the Doll Room, and our parent's bedchamber was the Bright
Shiny Object Room. She took my laserdisc player for that last
one, and chucked my collection (including The Wall, Jacob's
Ladder and the Blade Runner director's cut) out the window. How
she managed to pull this overnight without any notice was beyond
me... she justified it, claiming that with all her new Christmas
gifts, she ran out of room in HER bedroom and required more
space.
Mom and Dad tried to protest, but they just weren't any
match for her. She had them in a headlock of kawaiihood,
threatening to cry if they didn't approve of her new
organizational enterprise. Mom and Dad quietly shuffled down to
the dining room, futon in hand, and camped out there. I
reluctantly followed; Azusa would have kicked my ass otherwise.
(Ah, yes, that was the other problem. Azusa had been
training with one Mikado Sanzenin, some eccentric playboy I'll
undoubtedly talk about later. She was always violent when she
didn't get her way, but now was frighteningly GOOD at it. I'm
not afraid of my sister, but I don't wanna get hurt either, so I
just avoid dealing with the bitch.)
Mom and Dad left that night. They were beaten and they knew
it... the process of leaving was extended over the week. Every
day, both were working overtime (despite the holidays) or on
business trips, leaving little notes for Azusa to do cook me
dinner. Eventually the notes stopped, and they never came back.
I don't know where they went and I don't care. They got what
they deserved.
I wrote that up in this journal, then tore it up and threw
it away last night. I was too mad to think straight that night
because I couldn't understand why they left, how they let Azusa
skate all over them like that. I know now how weak they were,
and how much fear they had of my sister and why. They've been
punished enough, and don't need my anger. Let them go, always
remembering the one they let overpower them, the soft bastards.
Regret will do my work for me.
That takes me to present day. I had been camping out in the
dining room, occasionally trying to take my own room back; always
being thrown out by Azusa, sliding down the 45' ramp that used to
be our staircase before Azusa convinced Dad to rip it out and
install a kawaii skating slope. The fight went on all week until
today, when she kicked me out.
She was sick of me being 'pushy' and 'trying to take what
was rightfully hers'. I tried to explain Japanese property law
to her, but she kicked me one in the chest and I slid down the
stairs again, headfirst.
"Out! I want you out of MY house, kawaiikune baka!" she
called from upstairs. "It's MINE! MINE!"
I'm not mad. Not now.
She can rot on her own for all I care, surrounded by her
kawaii objects and pink wallpaper. I don't need her one bit.
I'm gone. Tomorrow, I start my life anew, away from HER.
*
January 4th.
Things aren't going well. I've checked into a hotel, but
until I can crack Dad's bank account by remote I'm on my own
moneywise. I've survived on one meal a day, trying to keep my
spending to a minimum--
Argh. Who would have thought that self-sufficient living
would be so HARD?
I don't even have my daily stress reliever handy. One thing
I'll never forgive Azusa for is her taking my CD collection and
trashing it in her new year's rage. All my Nine Inch Nails...
Pantera... Queensryche... gone, broken to bits and destroyed.
All I had left, a few measly metal CDs, I hoarded like gold. My
laptop computer with CD-ROM survived my kicking out,
miraculously, but finding a good place to use it is hard. I
simply don't have a home anymore.
All this travel and uprooting has made me really hate
winter. Not only is it snowy and icy and grayer than hell, but
it's freezing cold and I have to march to school in this weather;
no more car pools with Daddy Dearest. Life is really starting to
suck, or has sucked all this time and sucks to a higher order of
sucking now that it's kicking me in the nuts.
I need a way to survive this.
I NEED A JOB.
That's what it boils down to, I need a job somewhere that'll
keep me in the black. Supplies are goin' down each day, and I
will not be going back 'home' for more. I saw an advert posted
in the window of some restaurant and quickly tore it down to
ensure an open slot... after school tomorrow, I'll check that.
First, however, I have a book report to type up. Excuse me.
*
January 5th.
Mikado's getting on my nerves.
I hadn't been paying much attention to him all year. It's
hard not paying attention to Mikado, since he's impossible to
avoid seeing, what with the Mikado Sanzenin Fan Club trailing him
all over the Kolkhoz High School. Hordes of females, all
hounding him for autographs and words of wisdom and dates.
Mikado just rolls in it like a pig in slop, getting kisses in
whenever he can and using women like cheap toys.
I'd ignored it until now, since that was just Mikado and
Mikado was what Mikado was. Mikado got the women, and you got
the dregs; IF you were lucky. Everybody at Kolkhoz knew him, and
he never changed, one of the few constants in life that you could
truly rely on.
However, today I had to ask him something. I waited in
English class, before the bell was going to ring. He sits in
front of me. The shine from his hair is blinding at times.
"How do you stand being Azusa's skating partner?" I asked.
"Excuse me?" Mikado said, turning around in his seat. The
fan who was trying to shower him with praise humphed and left.
"Azusa. How do you handle her?"
Mikado looked me over. "Who're you?"
"Juyza Shiratori," I replied.
"I don't see any family resemblance."
(Which is correct, because I go out of my way to avoid
resembling Azusa. I've got messy hair, glasses, and a really
evil looking trenchcoat. The less people associate me with her,
the better.)
"She's pushy, but you seem solid as a rock when it comes to
getting your way with women. How do you handle her? Kisses and
romance?"
Mikado went pale. "NO! Gods, no, AZUSA? Romance? No. I
don't think so. Azusa and I are just partners. We both are
expert martial artists and shine like brilliant gold on the ice.
We're the Golden Pair."
"That's what she calls her gerbils. The Golden Pair," I
smirked, letting that sink in.
Mikado's smile fell. "Umm. She didn't make that name up,
actually, no, I did. Just a coincidence, I assure you. I MIGHT
consider changing it later. What was your original question?"
"How do you deal with her?"
"Simple. I don't, thank goodness," he said, giving me a sly
wink as the bell rang an the teacher signalled for class to
begin.
Some help that was. At least I knew for a fact now that he
wasn't poking my sister... although a confirmed kissing bandit
like him avoiding his most everpresent target was strange indeed.
Then again, knowing my sister, he had every right to fear and
avoid her, good skater or not. The last thing any male should be
is Azusa Shiratori's kawaii new boy toy, who she can dress and
hug and name George.
That wasn't the annoying part, though. The annoying part
was when we read our book reports aloud.
Mine was very comprehensive and covered all the bases. A+
paper at LEAST. I read it quite proudly, since this was the best
work I had ever done for this class... no reaction. Class bored.
Understandable, since the material was fairly dry. I could have
let it slide easily.
Then MIKADO stands up in front of class. You know those
commercials from america that they're running here now, the EF
Hutton ones? Similar situation. His report is two pages under
the minimum, poorly written and cheaply supported. Crap.
However, he's reading it like Shatner and striking poses
wherever possible, casting Come Hither looks to all the girls in
class. They're hanging on his every word, enrapt with his speech
patterns. One of the females passes out halfway through. He
closes weakly on a dangling modifier and everybody applauds their
brains out, causing numerous bows before his sits down.
He doesn't deserve attention like that. He doesn't deserve
it, but is going to get it; he's the Pretty Boy Floyd, the teen
heartthrob that gives people official permission to look beyond
the non-perfect people and see him shining brightly, like a disco
ball through the fog. All I can do is be swept aside in his wake
and spin off on my own, bored and alone.
*
January 6th.
I got that job I investigated earlier. Service and food
industry, which is fairly expected... who cares if I'm an
aspiring electronics engineer with a 3.6 grade average? I'm a
teenager, thus flipping burgers I shall be. Or in this case,
waiting tables and flipping okonomiyaki.
The place in question is a little restaurant called
Ucchan's. The proprietor, Ukyou, seemed to understand my
situation; I guess she had encountered or at least heard of my
sister before, even if they go to different schools. (A school
without Mikado Sanzenin and Azusa Shiratori!?? Sign me up!)
"I can offer you semi-full-time employment here," she said.
"I'm having trouble keeping the place open while I'm supposed to
be at school anyway. Can you work during school hours?"
"I don't mind," I said. "I just need to show for the tests.
The teachers don't notice me. Besides, attending Kolkhoz isn't
one of the high points of my life."
"Do you need somewhere to sleep?" she asked. I guess I
should have taken that shower before the hotel booted me out... I
smelled like a bum. Looked like one too.
"Unless you can pay me enough to stay at a hotel, yes."
So she set me up in the back room, with a cheap futon, a
power outlet and a phone jack. Fine by me; my only possessions
were my laptop computer avec modem and a backpack with
schoolbooks and salvaged CDs.
To tell the truth, I'm beginning to miss my house. So it's
cheerful beyond good taste! So it's run by Dominatrix Azusa! It
was technically my home. She still had my laserdisc player and
my spare parts bucket for electronic creations, too. A little
central heating is always nice in these cold winter months, near
a nice fire and a warm blanket. Bite me, I'm sentimental.
Still, I'm committed to self-sufficient living. I can't
cook worth a darn though... it showed immediately in the
'okonomiyaki' I had to cook up occasionally today. I can't help
it, Azusa or Mom always handled the cooking for me, and as long
as I could deal with sugar overload I was perfectly happy living
on their meals.
No... this thought of my old residence wasn't helping. I'll
just have to purge myself of those memories. After all, I've got
a bold new future to explore, very Azusaless.
*
January 7th.
Ukyou sees customers leaving due to the sloppy okonomiyaki I
make, and decides to teach me how to make them properly to keep
from losing any business. She wasn't very angry, oddly. I was
expecting to get the boot, but instead she went about teaching me
the art of okonomiyaki. I wonder if I'd get similar treatment at
some other greasy spoo... spatula.
I've found that if I take a very mechanical attitude towards
it (dividing the recipe up into steps and motions) it works fine,
with a little concentration. I still suck at cooking anything
else, however. Okonomiyaki is the only menu item, making this
Not A Problem.
Ukyou seems really nice. I'm not just saying that because
she's housing me while I'm in exile from Shiratori Manor... the
only girls I've really bumped into during my empty life have
either been :
AZUSA AND/OR OTHER AZUSA CLONES IN THE SHIRATORI FAMILY,
whom I've described in spades already.
SCARED OF ME OR NOT WANTING TO DEAL WITH ME, since I'm not
exactly pretty looking, and can be spotted in police lineups
easily.
A MIKADO FANBOY, err, fangirl, which meant she was otherwise
distracted by Mr. 1% Body Fat.
Therefore, I can conclude that going to Kolkhoz is stunting
my social growth. I've asked Ukyou how I could go about
attending her school (Furinkan) instead, and will start into the
paperwork tomorrow. If the paperwork gets too boring I'll just
try to hack their registration computer and put myself there. No
need to bug them with forms when I can eliminate the middleman.
I helped Ukyou close up shop today, and we talked about
winter and how boring and lonely it was at times. Ukyou isn't as
moody as I am, but something seems amiss... like there's a big
gap in her life that doesn't get filled often enough. I wonder
if there's anything I could do to help, since I do owe her for
helping me out in this sucky portion of my life.
*
January 8th.
Seems Ukyou's engaged, which is funny, because I never saw
her ring. Some guy with a ponytail named Ranma entered the
restaurant today with a cute girl named Akane, both arguing as
they took a table. I started to get their order, but Ukyou cut
me off and dove in for the tip before I could.
"Ran-chan! It's so nice to see you today! You too, Akane!"
she cheered, downtrailing the end of her sentence.
"Just the usual, Ucchan," Ranma asked, returning to some
argument with Akane. I forget the details exactly; from the
sounds of it, the two were used to verbal exchanges like these.
It was fairly reminiscent of Azusa and I yelling... although
Azusa would have faked a cry by now and whooped my butt.
Anyway, I headed back to the kitchen, where Ukyou was
preparing some okonomiyaki I had never seen before.
"What's that for?" I asked. "It's not the usual pattern of
ingredients."
"For Ran-chan! It's his favorite okonomiyaki recipe."
"Who is he, anyway?" I asked.
"He's my fiancee!"
That surprised me, since I had never pegged Ukyou as the
romantic type. She seemed too sensible to get wrapped up in big
puppy dog eyes and candles. Nevertheless, around Ranma, she was
all giggles and mirth. Ever see 'Invasion of the Body
Snatchers'? Same deal. Ukyou went into total joy mode, bouncy
and happy around Ranma. Reminded me of Azusa too much, to tell
the truth. Today was like someone slammed a gallon of sucrose
through her.
I dug a little deeper and found out that Saotome had... get
this... not one, but THREE fiancees and several other female
admirers. Perhaps transferring to Furinkan was a bad idea; at
least Mikado used women up and threw them away, this Saotome guy
was leading three girls on with the idea of marriage. The
thought of going from Mikado to Ranma seemed more and more like
going from the frying pan into the fire, exchanging one Pretty
Boy Floyd for another. A worse one, from the looks of it.
However, in the end I decided that I shouldn't let him keep
me out of Furinkan. The chance to escape my life like this was
too prime to pass up, even if I would be ignored as usual.
*
January 9th.
Ranma's starting to wonder about me, and has asked Ukyou
(when he didn't know I was listening in) what my relationship was
with her. Typical of a Mikadoesque person to worry about
potential competition.
"Who's the new guy you've got working here?" he asked,
digging into his day's okonomiyaki. Akane ate hers silently.
"Just some poor guy who's down on his luck," Ukyou said.
"He's Azusa's brother, apparently."
"Ow," Ranma said. "Poor guy indeed."
You know, it just goes to show : I can't escape my last name
anywhere. I have yet to decide if the pity it seems to bring is
enough to make me go look for another job, though. Ukyou may
have given me a fair shake, but was it because she thought I
could do the job, or was it because she knew about my sister?
I'd like to think I was a people person, not a martyr. Akane
reacted in a different way to my last name, though, repressed
anger. Maybe little sister took something she owned?
I say this because she stopped me on her way out the door.
I thought it was to tip me, which she had forgotten to do, but
apparently she had other ideas.
"You're Azusa's brother, yeah?" she asked, which is silly
considering that Ukyou had already told her.
"Juyza Shiratori," I nodded.
"Tell your silly little sister to quit trying to break into
my house. P-Chan's MINE, not hers."
She promptly left, dragging Ranma with her by his ponytail.
Whatever P-Chan was, I got the picture. Azusa was on object-
obsession-overdrive. How Akane was able to beat her off was
beyond me, though. When Azusa wanted something, typically she
got it. That's just what Azusa is, and what she does. Either
Akane was super strong, super clever, or just really good at
defending her possessions from insane cute people.
I went back to my old school (since the transfer papers
would take 24 hours to process) that day to finish a few tests
and perform wrap-up on my miserable school existence there. Once
that was done... Hel-looo, Furinkan! Finally, it was back to
Ucchan's to clean up and close up shop. We got into the usual
friendly chatter.
"Who's P-Chan?" I asked her during a normal break in topics,
whilst mopping the floor.
"P-Chan?" Ukyou repeated. "Just a pet pig Akane has."
"A pet. That explains it."
"Hmm?"
"Azusa. She's got a thing for pets. She kicked me out of
the house so she'd have room for them all. What used to be my
room now has a lot of empty cages, waiting to be filled, and cute
bunny and ducky wallpaper."
"That's why you're not there now?" Ukyou asked.
"Yup."
"How's she doing, alone at home?"
"Who cares?" I asked, with apropos arm motions. "She wanted
everybody out so badly, so that's what we did. Mom and Dad left
us because they didn't want to handle her, and I left because I
didn't want to handle her. We didn't fit into her kawaii little
world. You know, she sometimes beats up the neighbors if they
don't keep their lawns as kawaii as hers. NOBODY can live in
Azusa's little world but Azusa Shiratori."
I kept mopping, silence repeated back and forth between us.
"How do you do it, by the way?" I asked. "Being self-
sufficient, I mean. You don't have any family here, right?"
"That's right," Ukyou nodded. "I left home to pursue Ran-
chan."
"You've got a business, sort of a fiancee, and you're a
normal, well-adjusted person," I totalled up. "How'd you manage
that? I'm barely shuffling by on tips."
"I try," Ukyou shrugged. "It's not easy, mind you. It gets
a bit lonely at times, which is why I'm so glad Ran-chan stops by
for lunch every now and then. I miss my family, but I'd miss
Ran-chan more if I went home in defeat. So I'll make do here as
best as I can, and wait for him to finally marry me."
Ukyou went home, and I went into the back room, and we fell
asleep pretty distant from each other.
*
January 10th.
My first day at Furinkan. I attended all of my classes,
Ukyou deciding that my education was more important than my job
as we divided the work day equally. Very boring, really...
Furinkan could very well be Kolkhoz, if it wasn't for the
different style of clock implanted in the front wall. All these
schools start to look the same after awhile, with the same kinds
of people and the same kinds of classes.
I didn't bump into Ranma or any of the others, but I've
learned a few things about social structure here... there's this
wannabe samurai called Kunou who is the loudest mouth of
Furinkan, and his dad is a loon with a fixation on Hawaii. Kunou
has a sister named Kodachi with a thing for drugged flowers.
Also, it seems that Akane Tendo gets as much attention as
Mikado... she rebukes it, however, keeping her from becoming
another Sanzenin incarnate. What is it about certain people that
gets them a bunch of fanboys?
I got an account at Furinkan's computer science
department... juyza@shavenyak.furinkan.edu.jp. Yay. Service is
rather limited, which I fixed with some quick 'n dirty hacks to I
could access MUDs and IRC.
Work was the usual today. Talked to Ukyou some, served
okonomiyaki, cleaned up, ran the net and fell asleep. I'm
beginning to fall into a fairly comfortable pattern here, just
like the warm house I used to live in, only better. I can dig
it.
On a Twilight Zone note, I saw a Turn Left sign move today,
shuffling along in the newly fallen snow. I stepped outside to
investigate, and it ran away. This may explain recent traffic
disruptions.
*
January 11th.
Found two interesting things out today during work.
One, Ukyou has an admirer as well. Not a fan club like
Mikado, Ranma or Akane, but a single unrequited Fatal Attraction
type... more like the Crying Game, which I'll shortly explain.
It started when I noticed one too many plants in the store.
I commented about it to Ukyou, she promptly scooped up the plant
with a spatula and hurled it out the door, shouting insults at
the plant. Really awful insults, ones I'd never picture proper
Ukyou saying; this was the third recorded Ukyou Personality to
date. There was Normal Ukyou, a nice girl who lived life one day
at a time. Ranma's Ukyou, a eager to please girl who fawned over
him like a new doll. Now, Tsubasa's Ukyou, a snarling spatula-
tossing demon of rage. Yow.
I took a postmature lunch break and walked out to see the
plant wreckage, but found a small girl with a pot of dirt on her
leg, stumbling and dazed.
Here's the deal; it's not a girl but some transvestite named
Tsubasa, as mentioned. HE seems to have a thing to his 'Ukyou-
sama,' and dresses funny to match her crossdressing. I didn't
notice any crossdressing on Ukyou myself... just because she
doesn't wear skirts doesn't make her a tomboy. Some people just
don't appreciate earthy, natural good looks when surrounded by
adorable little Akanes.
Tsubasa ran off to get a better disguise and I went back to
work. I guess Ukyou was too caught up in this Ranma character to
deal with Tsubasa in any way other than beatings, since he was
every bit as persistent as Azusa... although in an endearing way,
not in a violent way. I don't think he'd ever hurt her. He's
not right for her though, playing fanboy just like the others.
That's not love, it's blind obsession.
The other fun thing I learned was that Mikado has a personal
bodyguard. He introduced himself to me, but did it in such a way
as to not say anything about himself at all. Name, rank and
serial number was about all I got.
He wasn't too much older than me, but certainly not high
school age. I counted the number of concealed weapons he had in
his military drag, quite surprised by the digits involved. I'm
rather good at IDing sneaky plans, even if I did miss the one
that got me homeless. Chance had a simple request.
"Mikado requests that you go home," he stated.
"I am home," I said, crossing my arms.
"Not here, nitwit, back to Shiratori Manor. Azusa's been
hounding Mikado for money, since she's running out quite rapidly,
and to avoid having her drop out of the Golden Pair he's had to
fork it over. This cuts into MY paycheck and thus is Not Good."
"What ARE you doing for him, anyway?"
"Sorry, sir, that's classified," Chance stated. "Need to
know basis only. It would be beneficial for all parties involved
if you would return to your home."
"This clear with Azusa?" I asked.
"I don't think she'd mind, after initial protest. Frankly,
Azusa can't handle the affairs of the house. Taxes are coming up
and she could lose the house if she botches them badly enough."
"Good for her," I grinned.
Chance was confused. "What, you're going to ditch your
sister when she needs you?"
"Just returning the favor. She wants me back so bad, she
can come ask me herself. She'll have to take back what she did
to me before I take back doing the same to her."
"Come on, Juyza, you KNOW she'd never do that."
"Then I guess she's up the creek, huh?" I said. "Wonder if
she'll be staying at her dear San-chan's place when she loses my
previously unhappy home. Have fun with that mental picture."
Chance freaked at this, but I didn't listen to his response.
I had customers to wait on, and wasn't gonna let Ukyou down with
this ridiculous concept of homecoming.
*
January 12th.
Boring day. Classes are just as monotonous as they were
before, and as easy. I don't mind, since this lets me work more
or just cool off from a day's angst-load. I got to watch Kunou
get his butt kicked by Ranma during lunch, which was amusing. I
lost a hundred yen betting on Kunou to some brown-haired girl,
which was not amusing.
After work, Ukyou asked me what Chance had wanted the
previous day. I told her, and she seemed surprised at my
reaction.
"Shouldn't you go back and help your sister?" she asked.
"Ukyou, she ditched ME. Mom and Dad ditched me, too. I
don't think I owe any of them jack at this point," I said
finishing wiping off a table. "Give me ONE good reason why I
should."
"It'd be the responsible thing to do," Ukyou said. "You've
been asking me how I manage to live on my own, and I've always
told you it's through responsibility."
"What, you think I have some obligation to her?" I asked.
"Of course you do! She's family."
"Would you go home and ditch Ranma if your parents wanted
you to?" I asked.
Ukyou couldn't answer that.
*
January 12th.
Ukyou's hounding me to go home. She's getting worried about
AZUSA of all people, and is beginning to get angry with me for
shrugging little sis off so easily.
I'd rather not enrage Ukyou, partly because I saw what she
did to Tsubasa, and partly because I didn't like to see her
getting so angry. I didn't want to be a burr under her saddle,
so I tried just dodging the subject. She's very persistent...
learned it from years of dogging after Ranma, despite a zero
factor of success.
"Alright, suppose I did try to move back in and she wouldn't
let me. What then?"
"Stand up to her. If you don't lend a hand, she's going to
lose everything."
"She'll beat me up. She always does. I don't mind, but
that routine does get old after awhile."
"Well... reason with her, then."
"Reason? Hel-lo? REASON with Azusa Shiratori. That's
quite a concept."
"You've just got to establish a space. How do you think I
manage to get noticed by Ranma among all his fiancees? Space. I
make my presence known, even if I've got stiff competition.
Nobody can kick me out of his life, and believe me, they've
tried."
"Why DO you hound after that Ranma character?" I asked. "I
mean, honestly, you're a nice girl who could have a good
relationship with anybody, Tsubasa aside. What makes Ranma
special?"
"Ran-chan's the nicest man I know. We've been friends since
we were little... he's sweet and caring and kind and so
kawaii..."
"You sound like my sister," I grumped. "Alright, you want
me to go so bad, I'll go. Am I fired?"
"Of course not. You still need a financial source, right?"
she asked. "That IS why you work here, after all."
I hadn't told her that I managed tap into Dad's bank account
four days ago. It wasn't appropriate at the moment.
*
January 13th, a friday. Great.
Actually, it went better than I thought I would. Azusa at
first tried to beat me off and kick me out upon seeing me, but I
managed to drive the truth home.
"What'll you do when tax time shows? When the groceries run
out? When the toilets overflow and the house collapses in an
earthquake?" I asked.
"..."
"Exactly," I nodded. "Face it, sis, you need someone around
to handle all the kawaiikune duties involved in Shiratori Manor.
I don't want anything from you other than room and board, and
I'll chip in from Dad's account and my job. I only request that
I get the dining room and wine cellar."
"But I was going to use the wine cellar for my Azusa
Shrine!" she said. "I've already moved in my trophies and
artwork."
"So move your crayon scrawlings out. I'll stay completely
out of your way... the wine cellar's right below the dining room,
and isolated. Soundproofed, to boot. I just need some space and
you can resume your spoiled lifestyle in return."
She regretfully cleaned out the wine cellar for my own use.
I tried getting my laserdisc player back, but she refused; I did
finagle my stereo out of her, and blasted NIN all night long. It
was one of the three CDs I had left... Pretty Hate Machine,
Justice for All and Jar of Flies. She ditched the rest of them
while I was out.
Still, it felt good being home. I had a place of my own
that was bigger than Ucchan's storeroom, a better futon and some
peace 'n quiet. I still had my job at Ucchan's to boot, getting
the best of both worlds.
Home again, home again, jiggety jig.
*
January 16th.
It's been pretty lonely at times, watching the grey skies
that coat Nerima from the dining room window. I've been making
up for it with my afternoon work hours at Ucchan's and the store-
closeup chats. Azusa stays out of my hair and I stay out of
hers, coming out only for meals, school and work. Coexistence
achieved, and actually much nicer under the Azusa Regime than the
Parental Regime.
I really don't need the job at Ucchan's anymore, since it
looks like Dad has either not noticed my tampering or noticed but
sees it as a way to keep me from screaming parental neglect to
the cops. Fine by me. I'm working less at Ucchan's... just
enough to qualify as part time and get in a little socializing
with Ukyou and the students of Furinkan. Can't hurt.
Mikado showed up for practice today with Chance in tow, who
was doing a good job trying to be subtle at casing the joint. He
was looking in all the little nooks and crannies, under tables,
but in casual ways; "Oops, dropped my gun" for instance. I
suppose he hadn't pegged me as the observational type. He wasn't
being sloppy, just underestimating me.
While the skaters were busy arguing over possession of
Kelli, Azusa's new skate shoelace (previously owned six minutes
ago by Mikado) I stopped Chance for a little chat.
"What're you doing?" I asked.
"Classified."
"Don't give me any of that. You're trying to find good
spots to stick microphones, right?"
Chance blinked. "Am not."
"It's okay, I can understand. That's the reason you're
employed, right? Mikado told me awhile back he didn't deal with
Azusa much, so he must be using you to keep her at bay."
"Among other things, yes," Chance said. "Azusa early
warning detection and avoidance. My client seeks only to
interact with her when no other options are allowed. He sees her
as a serious drag to his social life, in his own words."
"No need to bug the house then. If I spot Azusa headed out
the door to visit her 'San-chan', I'll stop her or send you a
warning. How's that?"
"Sounds fair," Chance said, narrowing his eyes. "What do
you get out of it?"
I got a new NIN CD out of it. Two halos down, seven to go.
I blasted it all night and relaxed. Relaxing to screaming angst
is easy, once you get used to it.
*
January 20th.
Azusa comes home every day with a new injury. I'm not
worried, since I know the little moppet gets into brawls all the
time, but it's beginning to look like she's LOSING for a change.
After returning from Ucchan's to eat dinner here, I noticed her
arm in a sling.
"That awful kawaiikune tomboy Akane did it!" Azusa whined.
"She took my precious piggy Charlotte and I've been trying to get
her back all month."
"Whoa, I think I remember this," I said, eating the sugar
cookie Azusa had baked earlier for dessert. "Didn't you and
Mikado get into a fight over a pig last year?"
"Charlotte!" Azusa nodded furiously. "I agreed to give
Charlotte over to her, but lately, I've just missed my dear piggy
so much..."
"I see. What a shame," I dismissed. "Sister, you really
need to put less sugar in these. I haven't been able to sleep
well for the last three nights, bouncing off the walls."
"Juyza-kun?" Azusa asked, batting her eyelashes. "Could you
do me a TEEENSY favor?"
Okay, I should have known there would be trouble when Azusa
started talking to me nicely. She never had before; why would
she start now? Still, I fell for it, and right into her trap.
She wants me to go get this pig for her. I told her I'd
think about it, but that was just stalling the inevitable, since
when Azusa Shiratori wants something she'll get it. By hook, or
by crook, or buy blunt instruments, it'll be hers eventually.
If I resisted, she'd cry, and continued resistance would
result in a beating and possibly getting kicked out again. I
didn't know if Ukyou would let me back in to Ucchan's... we were
certainly on friendly speaking terms, especially since she said I
wasn't shirking responsibility anymore, but if I left the house
that might change. So I'd have to get the stupid hog and let
that be that.
The problem is HOW.
*
January 21st.
If I'm going to surrender, I'm surrendering on MY terms. I
told Azusa I'd get her dear Charlotte, if and only if she bought
me two more CDs to replace some of the ones she threw away. The
idea of Azusa Shiratori, the lace 'n fluff girl buying a Pantera
album really amuses me, and makes this whole deal tip more in my
favor. Now I'm not submitting to her will, I'm bending her to my
own.
I love power. It's a rare thing for me to have.
Now the problem is in getting the pig. It was the weekend
and I wasn't due at Ucchan's 'til three, so I headed over to the
Tendo Training Hall under the pretense of getting some lessons.
The sensei cried buckets when I announced that I wanted to
be a pupil. Methinks I should have picked a better way in, since
they'd be expecting me to attend multiple classes now; I hoped to
fade into existing students and split. Lucky me, I'm the only
student. How does Mr. Tendo own a house in Tokyo without a
steady source of income? Nerima baffles me sometimes.
Anyway, it turns out I'm as good at martial arts as I am at
cooking. My feeble attempts to fight resulted in me on my back
with my mind floating in its own brainpan for five minutes a
punch.
Somewhere during the lesson, Akane Tendo walked in carrying
a little black piglet : P-Chan, if I remembered correctly, AKA
Charlotte to dear sister. I just needed a quiet moment to nick
the piggy and be off.
Luck tipped in my favor when Mr. Tendo requested that Akane
spar with me while he goes off to get me some ice for my multiple
bruises. Akane reluctantly agreed to it, setting the pig down on
the dojo floor while she ran off to change into a judo suit. A
PERFECT opening.
I tried just scooping the pig up and making a run for it,
but Akane returned before I could bolt out the door. The pig
promptly bit my hand, and Akane attacked me for trying to take
her pig. That is one overly protective girl. She didn't buy my
half-stammered excuse of taking P-Chan for a walk and kept
whacking me with a large hammer she didn't previously have.
After blacking out, I awoke to Mr. Tendo, scolding Akane for
beating the living hell out of a pupil instead of easing up a
little. She was very apologetic and didn't mention my attempted
pignapping. Mr. Tendo scheduled a new lesson which I wasn't
planning on attending, and I went off to Ucchan's.
Ukyou, after cutting directly through an okonomiyaki in
surprise at my injuries, applied bandages to my sore spots.
"That tomboy Akane did this to you?" she asked, wrapping a
gauze around my forehead.
"Yeah. She caught me trying to steal a piglet," I said.
"You were trying to lift P-Chan?" Ukyou asked.
"Azusa demanded that I do it," I replied. "Ow. Don't poke
that. I'm getting some CDs out of the deal."
"P-Chan doesn't even BELONG to Azusa!"
"Tell that to her," I shrugged. "Possession is 9/10ths of
the law, according to her, unless someone else is possessing the
item in question. It's just a pig, who am I to complain? I
thought you didn't LIKE Akane, anyway."
"If you were nice, you'd urge your sister not to steal other
people's property," Ukyou stated.
"Like that would work. Don't worry. I don't think I'm
gonna be able to steal the pig," I said. "Akane covets the
little furry thing like the Turin Shroud. No way that pig's
leaving the house. But as long as I try, Azusa'll be happy.
What do I have to lose?"
"If you do manage to take the pig, Akane'll assume Ranma did
something to it. She has before, after all, and she'd quite
possibly hurt my Ran-chan, which I'd like to avoid."
"Wait. Lifting the pig would cause Ranma great harm?" I
asked. Ukyou nodded.
Hmmmm.
*
January 22nd.
I think I'm gonna go all out on this P-Chan deal. The
clincher was Ukyou's confirmation that this would be bad for
Ranma. I don't want to punish Ukyou, but Ranma deserves a little
humiliation for what he's doing to her. Anybody who totes around
as many fiancees as he does and mistreats Ukyou by stringing her
along instead of ditching or committing deserves a BAD TURN. I
don't much care for ANYBODY who'd triple-time Ukyou.
I can't fight him like Kunou or the others do; I'm no
martial artist and I never will be, even if martial arts seems to
get you places in Nerima. So, I'm using my brain, the only real
resource I've got.
Here's the plan. I spent all of today working on it, since
my Sundays are never very active. Azusa only bugged me once to
handle the bills, but I managed to dive back into the blueprints
shortly after...
Step one is to use my knowledge of Nerima's residents to my
advantage. I don't have the tools to pull this off properly, but
with a little theft it'll work. To wit; the greenhouse of the
Kunou mansion, where I've been told the mistress of the house
grows special flowers that knock you out better than Ny-Quil. I
simply pilfer some, go to the Tendo hall, drop a bouquet in there
and grab the pig while Akane is out of it.
It'll work. It's very simple and easy to detect, but the
key is that nobody knows me. They're expecting Azusa, who is as
subtle as a twenty pound sledge, but some total unknown slipping
in under cover of darkness just isn't going to be noticed. Maybe
I can succeed where Azusa has failed on that alone. Luck needs
to be on my side for this.
For a change, my lack of recognition is going to be helpful.
Poor Ranma. He'll never know WHO hit him. Well, Akane will, but
he'll never know who got Akane to do it.
*
January 23rd.
D-Day.
D as in either Doom or Defiance. Defiance against Saotome's
neglect or Doom if Akane and/or Ms. Kunou beat the living hell
out of me.
Since I write these before I go to bed, I'll let you know up
front that the operation was a success. Here're the fine
details, for historical record :
I snuck into Kunou's mansion by pretending to be selling
photos of Akane. I got the idea when I saw that brown haired
girl that ripped me on the Ranma Vs. Kunou bet forking over
photos of Akane and some red haired girl to Kunou, and getting
ridiculous amounts of money in return.
The door was answered by a little muppet of a man named
Sasuke, who apparently is Kunou's personal bodyguard. He ran
inside to fetch some money, assuming that his master would want
my picture.
I slipped off to the greenhouse, nicking the door open with
my student ID. I pulled on a cheap plastic gas mask; I had no
idea how powerful these flowers might be. All the flowers were
black, all of them roses, but they had weird names on little
placards... some would paralyze, some drive you wild with
passion, most of them disabling or hurting in one way or another.
The sleeping flowers were in the back.
Gathering up a cheap bouquet of the flowers, I headed home
to develop the other part of the plan; a crane mechanism. I was
no climber by any stretch, and needed some easy way in and out of
the Tendo compound.
It was a beauty, a serious feat of engineering marvel. So
rarely do I get to build machines and devices for reasons other
than school, and I went nuts with the project, the idea of a
battered Saotome and new CDs from Azusa driving me all the way.
It had interlocking robotic joints, designed to handle the strain
of a single user plus piglet, able to fold up to fit on my back
at the touch of a button.
(Shame I didn't have time to run down to the patent
office... window washers would pay a slew for this setup.)
The actual snatching of P-Chan was a breeze. Mostly a
breeze. Ranma woke up the minute he heard me setting up the
crane next to the house, and snuck up on me.
"What'cha got there, bub?" he asked.
"Weather equipment," I said, extending the crane. "Part of
a science project. Mind if I set up here? I won't be long and
won't disturb anybody."
"Do I know you?" he asked, looking me over carefully. He
had no facial twitches of recognition... I wasn't Kunou, I wasn't
Ryouga, I wasn't Kodachi or anybody else who might come a-
knockin' this late, so I wasn't a threat.
"Nope. Just a student. You may want to step back, the
slightest breeze could affect my readings."
Saotome stepped back while I prepped the very same crane
that would pluck P-Chan, Ranma obviously not understanding its
true purpose. He eventually got bored and left. I waited about
an hour, paging through a Gibson novel until it was safe to
assume Saotome had gone to bed.
The harness snapped on, and by remote control I glided up to
Akane's window like Peter Pan. A few quick oil spurts on the
hinges to her window and I was in the frame without ANY
detection. Perfecto.
The flowers went in, landing nicely on her bed. I glued the
roses together, since it looked like they would fall apart and
spray the place with petals otherwise; I wanted them OUT, without
any evidence. I don't think Kodachi ever used them in a stealthy
manner, but I had to.
Akane kept on sleeping. P-Chan, crushed against her chest
like a throw pillow, was jarred awake by the impact of the roses
near him but quickly fell asleep again. PERFECTO twice. (Lucky
pig though, smashed up near Akane's bosom like that. If he was
really a human, I could see him getting quite attached to her in
a way other than pet-master.)
I unhooked from the crane assembly and snuck inside, shoes
tied around my neck to prevent any sneaker noises. The pig was
pulled away easily, since Akane was too deep into sleep to put up
a protest. NICKED. Done.
The crane protested a bit under added weight, but folded up
and returned me to the side of the house quickly. I stashed the
crane and hightailed it for Shiratori Manor.
Ranma would probably get a pounding and I would get the
satisfaction of a little respect from Azusa. Life could not have
been better. Nobody other than Saotome was worse for wear. As
for P-Chan, well, he was just a pig; who cared what HE felt?
*
January 24th. V-Day!
Victory at last. Azusa woke up to find P-Chan snuggled up
in one of her nice shiny cages in my old room. P-Chan woke up
rather enraged about this, but the cage was unbreakable; I made
sure to that. 'Charlotte' was staying PUT.
"You did it!" Azusa cheered, hugging the cage. P-Chan
looked miserable, submitting sadly to his fate.
"Ahem," I prompted.
"Thankee, Juyza-kun!"
"Ahem."
"I'll never forget this. Maybe you can help me get other
stuff that's been stolen from me--"
"AHEM!"
"Nani?" she asked, batting her eyes cutely.
"My CD. Pantera. You promised," I said. "I fulfilled my
end of the bargain."
"B... but I can't go into that awful Depleted Uranium Music
Outlet!" Azusa complained. "It's kawaiikune squared and full of
ugly smelly people."
"And won't it be SO MUCH FUN shopping there?" I joked,
leading her out of the room. P-Chan bwee'd angrily at me, so I
flashed him the bird.
Having Azusa (in her best dress no less) buy a grind and
whine death metal album was just too much. I watched through the
store window as the clerk gaped at the adorable little moppet
buying some good 'ol loud dog-slaying music, ringing up the sales
receipt in confusion.
Azusa wasn't saying anything, which is good, because revenge
is best savored silently. I let her know calmly that she had
better not tell anybody she knows where Charlotte is if she wants
to keep her, and she nodded quietly in return.
Ucchan's was closed today, for some reason.
*
January 25th. One month since Mom and Dad left, wowee.
I decided to take an early shift at Ucchan's to celebrate my
victory over the powers that be. I mean, let's face it, I was
king of my world; I had power over my sister, proven by her
disgrace at the record store. I had power over the Pretty Boys,
by getting Ranma in dutch. I was master of all I surveyed and
feeling DAMN happy, having spit in the eye of everybody that was
holding me down.
I arrived just as Ucchan was closing for the day.
"Didn't you hear?" she asked. "P-Chan's gone. Akane bent
Ran-chan's neck after accusing him of losing her pig, and Ran-
chan's recuperating at Doctor Tofu's while Akane goes off looking
for her pet."
"So why are you closing the store?" I asked, pointing to the
swinging 'CLOSED' sign.
"I'm part of the search party. We've been searching since
yesterday. I hope we find that pig, for Ran-chan's sake."
"Aw, if the baka was dumb enough to lose the pig, let him
suffer for it," I said before Ukyou pasted me one with her
spatula.
Okay, that was odd. All the power I had in me was drained
in a single spatula swipe -- the FIRST TIME Ukyou had ever
smacked me one. She hits Tsubasa all the time, but never to this
date had she raised a hand against me, her trusted companion and
worker. That'll deflate an ego like a ton of bricks.
"Ran-chan is NOT a baka," Ukyou growled. "You take that
back!"
"Hrmmphhg," I took back, face planted in the cold earth.
Ukyou narrowed her eyes at me as I righted myself. "Juyza,
YOU wouldn't happen to know what's happened to P-Chan, would
you?"
"Of course not," I said. "Why would I?"
"Since you were telling me you were going to kidnap him,
that's why," Ukyou accused. "One might think that was a motive."
"Oh. That. No, I decided it was impossible and folded.
Azusa wasn't happy, but I don't care."
I wonder if she fell for it...
I joined the search party, consisting mostly of Akane, her
sisters, Ukyou and a few other Nerima people I hadn't met before.
We didn't turn up much, since they didn't check Azusa's house...
odd. Maybe because she didn't claim the pig herself, they didn't
think he could be there?
Ukyou was really, really trying to find the pig. I didn't
get why. The damage was done, Ranma was pounded and that was
that. Wouldn't she be wooing at his bedside, praying her Master
got better like a good little Ran-chan's servant girl? Or did
she think that this would help him more?
Ucchan's didn't need cleaning up, so I went home after the
search party, ignoring the tormented oinks and squeals from the
Pet Room as I checked my e-mail.
*
January 26th.
Two important things to note, one considerably more
important than the other. First is I've been beefing up the
security around the house to avoid anybody locating P-Chan here,
with a little assistance from Chance, who volunteered to do it
under unusual circumstances.
Mikado was stopping by to take Azusa out for a weekly
practice, Chance in tow to prevent Azusa from getting in the way
of Mikado's otential kiss-victims. Mikado hadn't changed much
since I ditched Kolkhoz, truth be told, still one of the
constants of the universe. Rather reassuring in a way.
"What're you doing?" Chance asked, as I fiddled with the
doorknob.
"Installing a better door lock," I said.
"Humph. Laymen. If you want to secure the house, you're
doing it all wrong."
"Excuse me?"
"Are you trying to keep people inside from leaving or
outsiders from entering?"
"Ummm... both, if I can."
"That cheap-ass Do-It-Yourself deadbolt won't do either.
What you need is some perimeter wire with screamers attached, a
few searchlights, and reinforced glass."
With a speed rivalling the fastest ramen delivery service in
town, Chance had my house swarming with a dozen similarly-garbed
military boys, installing sliding blast shields over windows and
triple-coded, unobtrusive magnetic locks on the three gallery
doors. Azusa and Mikado were off skating while Chance directed
the army guys, turning Shiratori Manor into Shiratori Survival
Bunker.
"Okay, you have alarms set on all major entrances and exits,
a special DNA printing lock on all upstairs doors and drop-down
metal panelling over every window," Chance said. "NOW your house
is secure. You can finish installing that deadbolt if you want,
but I think it's a bit pointless now..."
"Gaah," I thanked, not sure how to react to turning my house
into Fort Wayne in under two hours.
"Your bill is a million yen," he said, handing me a receipt.
"Pay to the Lazarus organization."
"Put it on Mikado's tab," I suggested. "I think this files
as an Azusa Prevention Measure."
Chance smiled slowly. "Excellent idea, sir. Enjoy your new
system. I'll leave the user's manual in the dining room, along
with the remote."
Boy, did I hope 'San-chan' had the cash to cover that.
Anyway, THAT was the unimportant bit. This was the important
one.
"Juyza-kun!" Azusa called from the lobby, while I tried to
pull my laserdisc player out of the wall and sneak it off. A few
hours had passed since she returned from practice. "Charlotte's
starting to smell funny. Can you please give her a nice bath
while I'm out?"
"Where are you going?" I asked out of reflex.
"I'm going to San-chan's for a tea party! Bye!" Azusa
called, heading out. I lunged for the SecurHouse Remote Control,
but she was out the door before I could lock up. I shrugged, and
phoned a warning to Chance. Best I could manage.
I grabbed 'Charlotte's handy portable cage and made my way
through the double-DNA locks on the Pet Room and Bathroom. Maybe
this stuff was a little TOO intense... I decided to read the
manual and shut some of the lesser systems off after finishing
this chore.
I filled the tub with warm water. P-Chan panicked at the
sight of the water and whanged around his cage wildly, but I
managed to wrestle it under control and dip the cage into the
water. I figured a few good dunks would do it, no need to go
nuts scrubbing him.
Two things happened.
One, P-Chan vanished. I had no idea piglets were water
soluble.
Two, some weird naked guy with a bandanna leaped out of the
tub. I thought, "Hey, a weird naked guy with a bandanna just
leaped out of my tub." You would too given the situation. I
don't think Chance had counted on assailants entering through the
plumbing.
He started throttling me immediately, which wasn't fun, but
eventually he gave up on that and tried ripping the door open.
It wouldn't work thanks to the DNA lock, which I'd probably
disable later since I didn't want guests that needed the toilet
to get trapped in here forever. For now, it did a good job at
keeping the boy inside.
"Where'd P-Chan go?" I asked him, but he ignored me and kept
trying the door. Eventually he realized it wasn't working, and
jabbed a finger at it, yelling something about exploding points.
I don't think whatever it was he was expecting to happen
happened, because he just sat there with a finger pressed against
the solid oak-with-steel-insides door, confused.
Next he grabbed me and ordered me to open the door. I was
only happy to oblige, and I got him something to wear while I was
at it so he wouldn't be running around the house naked.
"Before you run, can you tell me where P-Chan went?" I
asked.
"I'm... I took him," the boy said. "You've got no right
capturing and torturing poor pigs like that. Do you have any
idea the HORRORS your sister has in that Pet Room?! Silly doll
outfits! Milk bottles with mud in them! And her hugs...
crushing you to the point of broken ribs..."
"You've got a real hangup over pigs, pal," I commented. The
boy tightened his headlock and nudged me towards the front door.
"Open it," he ordered. I reached out at my weird angle and
worked the door open. The boy took off into the night, screaming
something about rejoining his dear Akane. If he wanted to go to
the Tendos, he was going the wrong way, but was already out of
sight before I could warn him.
Weird guy. If he did nab P-Chan, however, I could be in
trouble. My nyah-nyah in Ranma's face was over and done with,
but now I'd have to deal with Azusa.
Azusa came home shortly afterwards with a new collar for
Charlotte to wear (which looked like it was pilfered from a
prison camp) and completely flipped out when she found his wet
and broken up cage instead of a piggie.
"Hey, don't blame me, some weird naked guy got him," I
shrugged. "Jumped me in the bathroom, gave me a speech and
split. I think he was an animal rights activist or something."
"Get her back!" Azusa demanded. "Charlotte's mine! I want,
I want! Get me Charlotte!"
"TWO CDs," I said. "And that's just to CONSIDER it."
"I don't wanna go back to that store!"
"So much for your pig, then," I shrugged. Azusa decided to
sleep on it, and so did I. I forgot to visit Ucchan's in the
mess.
In hindsight, I wonder if... okay, it sounds ridiculous, but
frankly I've heard of weirder : was P-Chan really that naked guy
in disguise? Honestly. The guy couldn't have come in through
the drain, so how else did he get there? Teleportation?
It doesn't matter, though; the pig's gone, one way or
another. The damage is done. I could investigate the problem of
were-pigs later, if time allowed.
*
January 27th.
I visited Ranma in the hospital today, tailing after Ukyou.
She wanted to be by his side now that P-Chan mysteriously turned
up... since pigs can't talk, I was safe, but if that naked guy
showed up (or turned out to BE the pig) I could be in for a
sticky situation. I made sure to keep my answers to any
questions regarding the situation short and sweet.
Ranma actually wasn't very badly hurt to begin with... he's
survived scuffles with his other fiancees before, and loses the
piglet all the time. It's quite common, apparently. But for
some reason Doctor Tofu went completely berserk and managed to
break Ranma's arm and three ribs while he was examining the boy's
neck. The Tendos were visiting at the time... strange for him to
select that moment of all moments to go scooters, right when
there were plenty of witnesses. He seems like such a nice
doctor, normally.
Ranma recognized me as the kid with the weather project, and
Ukyou told him my real name, but Saotome didn't make the
connection. Ukyou was beginning to suspect, but I quietly
steered the conversation away from that whenever it turned up.
"Is the stupid pig back yet?" Ranma asked, hiking himself
painfully up in bed.
Ukyou nodded. "He showed up last night. I think he MIGHT
have just been lost again."
Ranma wheezed a sigh of relief. "Thank goodness. It's not
like him to wander out in the middle of the night, while Akane
had him buried under her. Could someone have lifted him?"
"I have leads," Ukyou said, not looking in my direction.
"I'll look into it for you. Akane'll eat her words for claiming
my Ran-chan lost her stupid pet!"
Ukyou was not a happy camper that day. I tried chatting
with her on the way back to the store about it.
"Why do you think the pig was kidnapped?" I asked.
"Ran-chan's right, P-Chan wouldn't run away in the middle of
the night. Maybe someone who really wanted revenge on Akane took
the pig, or maybe it was a pork fetishist... Nerima's a weird
place, you know."
"Tell me about it," I said. "Here I was thinking I could
escape the Twilight Zone by transferring to Furinkan. Fat
chance. Still, it's a more amusing Twilight Zone and less of a
dreary one."
"You like it here, don't you?" she asked, opening the
store's front door (since our walking travels had just reached
it).
"Certainly. Ucchan's is a great place," I said. "You run a
fine restaurant."
"No, I mean Furinkan."
"Hmm? Oh, that. Yeah, it's cool too. I've been quite
happy here for a change."
"Not too boring?"
"Certainly not!"
"And you enjoy the food at Ucchan's, yes?"
"Of course!"
"And I pay you enough even though you don't work very often,
right?"
"Yuppers."
"And P-Chan ran away from Azusa's house today, right?"
"Uh-huh," I nodded.
Open mouth. Insert foot.
Ukyou walked inside and locked the door behind her.
*
January 28th.
The snow started again. When will this damn weather go
away? Some claim that snow's a beautiful and lovely weather
occurrence, where you can make snowmen and sled and have fun. I
say it's cold, wet, sticky, and bogs you down.
I really screwed it up badly. I guessed Ukyou had blown the
news by now that I was responsible for the theft of P-Chan. I
tried rattling the door last night after she shut it on me, but
she ignored the noise. Phone calls were unanswered. Faxes
unsent. I tried a message by arrow, but the bowstring broke.
The girl had jammed a spatula right through all my lines of
communication, giving me the godawful silent treatment for my
betrayal.
So, I tried e-mail. She had an account, rarely used, but
did read her mail when her schooltime and work allowed it.
TO : ukyou@utensil.furinkan.edu.jp
FROM : juyza@shavenyak.furinkan.edu.jp
I'm sorry for the mess I've made. I know that sounds lame,
but it's true, and I'm not going to do it again. Please don't
hate me. I really don't want you to hate me.
EOF
I can't cancel the mail, even if it was the weakest, most
pathetic bit of writing drivel I've ever slapped down in bits and
bytes. Mailing again would look weird. All I can do is pray to
the gods that she gets the letter and lets me talk to her again.
Why was I doing this? I don't know. But Ukyou was the only
person I had regular, healthy contact with in my new school and I
didn't want to lose that. She could fire me and cast me off, but
I didn't want her to not talk to me. That was horrible, like all
these little anti-Juyza thoughts were whizzing around her head
and I couldn't hear any. If she screamed and yelled and beat me
to death I wouldn't mind, I'd die, but she'd at least TALK TO ME,
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
*
January 29th
Ukyou hasn't responded to my mail yet. School closed
because of snow. I'm checking my mail every ten minutes.
*
January 30th
School is still closed and Chance's little toys are proving
not to be insulated. Already Azusa's been trapped in her Dolly
Room, and I had to pry the door open with a stick. I used the
remote to shut all the systems down; I already lost what I was
protecting and disgraced myself. Even if someone looted all of
Azusa's galleries, I wouldn't care. Just more pain to heap onto
the pain already there.
I'm still checking my mail. I considered going by Ucchan's,
but I couldn't get myself to do it.
*
January 31st
I'm starting to wonder what Ukyou's doing right now. I'm
envisioning her at Ranma's place, playing slave girl to him while
he enjoys it, talking about how that baka Juyza nearly had her
tricked into thinking he was an okay guy. Maybe he's even taking
advantage of her...
OKAY, that's a bit of a stretch. She was probably just
tending to the store, not scootching by Ranma's side. I need a
solid dose of reality in the form of e-mail, or I'll go start
raving mad. I'm beating myself up over this, but I don't feel
like stopping myself from doing it since I get the feeling that I
deserve it.
*
February 1st. New month, whooo. Yahoo.
Something was wrong. According to finger, Ukyou has read
her mail, but I don't have a reply. Did the mailer eat it? Did
she read it and delete it, ignoring me? What was going on?
I couldn't handle the stress. I had to see her, even if she
wouldn't look at me. I plodded through the snow, heading down
the familiar route to Ucchan's.
Business was low, since most people were stuck at home,
holed up with central heating and hot chocolate. Here I was,
fighting the elements to go visit a woman who would probably whap
me one with a spatula and call our somewhat weird relationship
null and void. I wanted to hear her talk, though, certain doom
or not. At least have her declare me to be a baka and get it
over with.
I pushed open the door in such a way as not to ring the
little bell over the door. Ukyou was busy behind the counter
working on counting yen from the day's slim pickings when I
entered.
"Hi," I waved weakly.
Ukyou looked up, then looked back down.
"I think you got my mail," I said, ignoring her ignoring me.
"If you didn't, I'll let you know now that I really am sorry for
taking P-Chan. I knew what would happen to Ranma, and did it
anyway, even though you specifically told me not to. I know I'm
pond scum and don't deserve this job anymore, but I'd at least
like to hear you say that. Say anything, really."
"You're fired," she said, not looking up.
"Good," I wheezed, exhaling finally. "I'm glad to hear it."
"I can understand why you did it, though," she said, looking
up. Brown eyes...
"Yeah?" I replied, egging her on.
"Everybody knows how pushy your sister is. You probably
didn't have much choice, and I know you don't like dealing with
her... Anybody else would have done it. I'm not that angry,
really, just... betrayed."
"You're not angry?"
"Not really. You're a nice guy, Juyza, I know you wouldn't
do anything like that out of malice."
"But I did!" I said. "You're probably going to kill me
after I say it, but I gotta, Ukyou. See, I did it not only in a
power play against my sister, but I wanted to hurt Ranma a
little. I KNEW it would happen, and liked the idea."
"Hurt... Ran-chan?" Ukyou asked, confused. "Why would you
want to do that?"
"You deserve better than him, that's why!" I yelled, kicking
a nearby potted plant, which yelped in pain. Ukyou paused to
scoop Tsubasa up and chuck him out the door, and then motioned
for me to continue.
"Frankly, the guy's got three fiancees and doesn't seem
intent on picking one. And here you are, strung along, hopes up
and trying to please him when he avoids committing or rejecting
at all costs. That's bloody awful and it's gotta tear you up to
have to live through it. Any man that'd do THAT to you deserves
a world of pain, a whole lifetime of hurting! You try to make
him happy when his other fiancees abuse him and he doesn't seem
to care. To him, you're just his cute fiancee Ucchan, nothing
more. You deserve more than him."
Ukyou paused, soaking that in. "Are you done?"
"Yeah. If you want to destroy me, go ahead. I've said my
peace and can get out of your life if you want me to. Just say
the word."
She laughed.
I can't believe it, she was laughing. Laughing at my misery
and her own. She shook her head, and I noticed tears near the
corners of her eyes, the first time I ever spotted a sob from
Ukyou. Ukyou, the sensible one, always patient, always calm,
keeping herself in check for the rare moments when Ranma would
enter her life.
"Oh, Juyza-kun. You're so observant and you just don't see
the whole picture," she said, mopping her face up a little with
her apron. "I know Ranma is stuck in indecision, and probably
will never get out of it. I know he might not pick me to be his
wife, but I love him anyway just because of who he is. He brings
some rare light into my life, and I cherish those moments..."
"Light he takes away each time he offers it," I growled.
"But I live for those moments, Juyza. If I can never have
him, at least I'll have the times I had together with him and can
look back on those fondly. I want him to know that I love him,
no matter who he picks or what he does in the future, and that
being around him is enough. I'll try and I'll keep trying,
because even if the goal is unreachable, the struggle to get
there is what counts."
"But isn't it hollow? Pointless? A waste of time? I mean,
living for select times in your life, knowing full well you may
never get any more..."
"We all do our best. Akane, Shampoo and I. Whoever wins in
the end will win, but we'll all have a piece of him here," she
said, pointing to her heart. "I can understand you wanting some
revenge, but it's perfectly alright. Maybe because I'm not as
giddy when he isn't around, you think I'm unhappy, but really I'm
not. I like my life and wouldn't want to live it any other way.
I'm right where I want to be at the moment."
"So you don't want to destroy me for hurting your Ran-chan?"
"If I destroyed everybody that hurt Ran-chan, there'd be a
pile of dead bodies as high as Furinkan's clock tower," Ukyou
laughed. "He has a lot of enemies. That's why he can't pick,
really; the ties that bind him to us bind him to a number of
horrible deaths as well. I really feel sorry for him at times."
"So what should I do?" I asked. "Here I was expecting my
demise and I find you surprisingly lenient. I'm confused."
"You're still fired, of course," Ukyou said. "Really, you
don't need to pretend you need the money. I know about your
dad's account."
"You do?"
"You told me yourself... in the little things, things
mentioned on the side. I've gotten to learn a lot about you,
Juyza. You don't need to pretend to be money-stricken just to
show up and talk to me. I talk to customers all the time."
"Where does this put us?" I asked. The real question.
"Was there ever an us?" Ukyou asked.
"I can't tell. I mean, I've been showing all the signs of
puppy dog love, despite my total lack of belief in the concept.
I've done silly things in your name and regretted things I've
done because of your reaction. I'm think I'm starting to act
like Tsubasa."
"No you're not. He's obsessed. You're a caring friend,
Juyza. That's not a bad thing."
"A friend," I repeated.
"Do you mind being called that?" she asked.
"No... no, not really. You're a wonderful person, Ukyou,
but I don't think I could provide for you what your Ran-chan can.
But it doesn't mean I don't care about you any less. I'd be
kidding myself if I thought I was the right person for you, but
I'm not going to walk out of your life. What's left to meet
those requirements but a good friendship?"
"So, friends?" she asked, holding out a hand to shake.
"Friends," I repeated, shaking the hand firmly. "I
certainly could use a good friend."
"Well, friend, rest assured that I didn't tell Akane about
your swine escapades," Ukyou said.
"You didn't? Why?"
"Too many people in this town already have blood enemies.
There's no reason for me to give you one. You've got enough
troubles of your own to have to deal with more."
"Really?"
"Really."
"Well... thanks... Ucchan."
"Don't mention it," she laughed. "What're friends for?"
After that, the conversation dipped into the usual things;
recent movies, restaurant biz, the mayhem that surrounds and
binds Nermians to the land like a neon colored party streamer.
The usual things and stuff, stuff and things, two good friends
talking just as they always had.
I was happy about it all. I helped her close up shop later
on, checked my e-mail mbox (empty) and went to bed.
*
February 15th.
Not too many bizarre things have happened. Well, plenty,
like this ancient sword Azusa got me to swipe for her (and I in
turn got back to the owner for double the CDs Azusa offered), and
the weird business with the enchanted noodles Ukyou had to
prevent Ranma from eating. P-Chan was still with Akane, I never
saw the weird naked guy again, and Chance and I swapped Azusa
Prevention tips.
The weather was a bitch and the schoolwork sucked and
generally life was a chaotic torrent of mishaps and disturbances.
Life was sucky at times and very cool at others and everything
was business as usual.
I'll probably stop this journal now, since I've settled into
a routine. Just like my routine of pain back in the day of
Azusa's Family Regime and my brief excursion into the fast food
industry, I'm locked into the loop once more and sitting pretty.
I get into schemes with Azusa, Chance keeps Mikado safe from her,
I chat with Ukyou when I can and Ranma still is the unluckiest
man on earth. (I've gotten a bit more respect for him, through
stories Ukyou tells me of his behaivor and problems. Oy, and I
thought I had it bad?) Generally, this is a loop and a pattern I
can get used to, and one I hope to be stuck in for a long time.
A very long time indeed.
*
CLOSING THEME : "Welcome to Paradise," Green Day
Dear Mother, can you hear me whining?
It's been three whole weeks since I have left your home.
This sudden fear has left me trembling,
'Cause now it seems that I am out here on my own...
And I'm feeling so alone...
Pay attention to the cracked streets and the broken homes
Some call it slums;
Some call it nice!
I want to take you through a wasteland
I'd like to call my home
Welcome to paradise!
A gunshot rings out at the station
Another urchin snaps and left dead on his own.
It makes me wonder why I'm still here
For some strange reason,
It's now feeling like my home,
And I'm never gonna go...
Pay attention to the cracked streets and the broken homes
Some call it slums;
Some call it nice!
I want to take you through a wasteland
I'd like to call my home
Welcome to paradise!
(solo)
Dear Mother, can you hear me laughing?
It's been six whole months since I have left your home.
It makes me wonder why I'm still here
For some strange reason,
It's now feeling like my home,
And I'm never gonna go...
Pay attention to the cracked streets and the broken homes
Some call it slums;
Some call it nice!
I want to take you through a wasteland
I'd like to call my home
Welcome to paradise!
THE END
-=-
AUTHOR'S POSTSCRIPT :
Life is not fun in the Ranma universe for anybody. It's
FUNNY, but not FUN. Existing there means getting into the
requisite amount of brawls, duels, training, kidnappings,
entangling relationships and so on. It's a tough place to live,
but it's home, and we love it anyway.
Juyza is stuck in a similar situation, but his situation is
a bit grimmer because he's a minor character. He never even gets
MENTIONED... just pushed aside since the important people like
Azusa take center stage. This is a minor character's chance to
break into the limelight and start interacting with Nerima's
weirdest citizens, and he generally ends up better than he had
been before; he's found a friend in Ukyou (although I have a
feeling he's going to stick up for her beyond normal friendship),
and gotten involved in the plots and mayhem surrounding the
Golden Pair. He starts out friendless and bitter, and ends up
with friends and a newer outlook on the world. From 'Life sucks'
to 'Life sucks at times, but I can deal, bring it on.' Quite an
uplifting ending.
The story, however, is not fun to begin with. One of the
main complaints of reviewers that was it wasn't Takahashi in
nature, but the story never tried to be nor claimed to be silly
fun. It's a slight dosage of the Real World (not the MTV show,
the actual thing), a dosage that was there all along but passed
over. Some didn't like the slang and language, some the
situations presented. I cleaned up the language (all three
instances of the s-word), since that wasn't too much to ask.
Still, I'm not sure how this happened. I set out to write
something interesting about this neat character I had worked up
for a TP on RanmaMUCK, and I began to really identify with
Juyza... seeing the Ranma situation from the burned, bitter
viewpoint of a neglected Shiratori. I really got into it and was
typing at WPMs that I normally reserve for some of my better
FWLSes, like Help and Bloodlines. When I'm moving that fast,
getting involved that deep with the characters, I know from
experience that I've got some hot stuff indeed on my hands. This
is why I was so shocked that not too many of the proofs liked it.
I've taken steps to try and make it a bit lighter, but not
so much that I'm bowing and scraping to audience whim. Most of
the original spirit is present and going strong, since without
that the story falls apart. Most of my fanfic so far, even with
comedy, has been fairly dark since that's what I'm used to
writing. I'm guessing if you liked the others, this one won't
rub you the wrong way.
The other biggest complaint was my characterization of
Ukyou. Being the japanese-lacking American wannabe otaku I am,
I'm stuck with Viz. I've been observing and taking notes and
trying, and have done an okay job ensuring IC so far, but I'm
told by proofers that my Ukyou is really out of whack, since
she's too depressed.
I was trying to show Ukyou as a good businesswoman, who's a
bit more mature than the other fiancees and thinks in the long
term instead of the Quick Ranma Fix (although she wouldn't shun
one if it was presented to her :). The main bit that inspired
this was the beginning of 'For Want of a Nail', where she had to
work through her own birthday to make enough money to stay near
Ran-chan. Using fanfiction as character basis is dangerous, but
I could understand this angle; clearly the girl is willing to go
the extra mile to be with Ranma, even if the extra mile means
working harder and missing out on the fun. She must miss her
Ran-chan at times, and look forward to his visits.
Juyza doesn't know enough to look by the occasional
melancholy of non-Ranma and see the true Ukyou (which she hints
at during the closing dialogue). Seems logical enough to me, a
different interpretation of how Ukyou spends her off-camera
hours. I didn't change her character too much on this, just
enough to ensure that it is Juyza's incorrect observations
coupled with a little light melancholy.
All that mess adds up for one strange fanfic. It's
different, but as I mentioned in the foreword, different is good.
Variety is nice. We could use a few more serious Ranma stories
(not overdramatic or graphic in nature, just serious.)
So hey, bake my mailbox in flames, praise, or advertisements
for Jusenkyo(tm) magical products. I welcome any response to
this. I won't defend the fanfic from attacks, though; if you
have a problem with it, I won't argue with you, it's your opinion
and you're entitled to it. I will answer questions about its
development or aspects of the characters you'd like to know more
about. Fanficmail beats the hell out of Pongmail any day.
Thanks, and I sincerely hope you enjoyed the story. I'm
having fun writing these; they're a great departure from my FWLS
norm, which is really starting to get dull for me. If you'll
excuse me, I'm off to call Viz and order tape six. (I screwed up
and got seven, and now have a hole. Whooo. :)
-- Stefan "Twoflower" Gagne (twoflowr@pixelscapes.com)
A Ranma 1/2 FanFic by Stefan "Twoflower" Gagne
(All characters copyright Rumiko-san, obviously. If I ever
even considered claiming that these were my own characters
I'd probably be thrown into a small cell where I'd be forced
to eat my own bladder to live.)
-=-
This story has three 'roots' to it that brought the concept
about.
The first is my series, March of the Pigs. Juyza gets an
EXTREMELY brief mention in that story, being the brother that was
kicked out to make room for Azusa Shiratori's ever-increasing
kawaii gallery. I named the brother and gave him a personality
for use on RanmaMUCK (very nice takahashi mania online, by the
way, ObPlug). The story does not take place AFTER MotP, since
Ryouga would be gone in that case.
It's not pure silliness; it tells the Ranma historik from
the POV of someone not directly involved in it. Often the
overlooked or rarely seen characters get the short end of the
stick, or miss out on the major action. In this respect, it's
very similar to the controversial Tiny Toon Adventures fanfic
series 'Mortimer' (although not as offensive) since it deals with
a character that was there all along but ignored, bringing about
a more serious tale in the same world.
Lastly, some of the concepts regarding Azusa and Mikado
(notably the character of Chance) are drawn from Mikado on
AnimeMUCK's unreleased fanfiction series. I've made sure to
explain these relationships here to prevent any prerequisite
reads, and keep the characters accurate to his work. Look for it
if it gets posted; it's really bizarre and quite hilarious.
(You can now find me on RanmaMUCK as Azusa, and I have a
puppet for Juyza there as well. Stop by and give me something
cute or I'll break your arm!)
Also, there is an EXTENSIVE postscript on this sucker
attached to the bottom of the story, dealing with the semi-
controversial nature of it ("Egads! Ranma, and it's not HAPPY
SILLY FUN FUN?!!? THE HORROR..."), since the story got an 80%
negative reaction amoung proofreaders. I'm releasing it anyway
because...
1. I spent 3 weeks on it, more than any other story to
date (INCLUDING FWLS stories...)
2. I dumped quite a spew of my own emotion into it.
3. I like it.
So, read on, but bewarned that it's not typically
Takahashian in nature. Variety is good. (This comment is not a
paid advertisement for Variety magazine, although if Variety were
to send me vast sums of money for mentioning it, I wouldn't mind.
Really.)
-=-
+-------------------------------------------+
| Mastered for optimal performance |
|in readability and character recognition...|
+-------------------------------------------+
+------------------------------------+
| The audience is reading |
| |
| #### ##### ##### ###### ###### |
| ## ## ## ## ## ## |
| ###### #### ## ## ## |
| ## ## ## ## ## ## |
| ## ## ##### ##### ###### ###### |
+------------------------------------+
(Supplemental material will be found on
the last disc, as well as the lyrics to
the closing song.)
+-------------+
| RANMA 1/2 |
+-------------+
+---------------+
| JUYZA'S LYRIC |
+---------------+
-=-
January 1st.
Second log entry. Yeah, I know, first one in the book but
that's because I ripped out the first entry in anger and tossed
it. Strange behavior, but I wasn't particularly happy at the
time. You wouldn't be either if your parents decided to abandon
ship on your life.
I'll summarize, or else this journal would be incomplete.
My name, as you can tell by the penknife scratched cover, is
Juyza. Juyza Shiratori. I'm not in any family photos because my
sister, little miss Azusa 'Kawaii' Shiratori whines that I'd
break the lens with my kawaiikunehood. You probably don't know
anything about me as a result of this.
We weren't much of a family, at least not under the surface.
On the surface you'd see good little housewife Mommy baking pies,
Daddy with a pipe and slippers, and adorable little Azusa playing
with a dolly on the living room rug. One big happy family. I'm
not in the picture of course, because I'm not ideal enough. Mom
and Dad ignored me, only dealing with me when I shoved my
existence into their faces.
"Mom, I got an A in science!" I cheered one day in the
fourth grade. "Ms. Hinako loved my remote control biohazard
handling robot."
"Hmm? Were you saying something, Juyza? Azusa, do that
teapot song again. I LOVE that! It's so kawaii."
She'd do it, and for the twentieth time that day, Mom would
applaud. They'd buy her dollies and candy and pets and nice
clothes while I made do on a pitiful allowance. It was a miracle
that I managed to get a computer from these skinflints; I got it
by promising that Azusa could play CD-ROM edutainment games on
it, a promise I never bothered fulfilling.
The Shiratoris had turned spoiling little girls into an
artform. Azusa got the most attention, but they heaped
undeserved rewards upon any other little girl that lurked in the
family tree of Shiratori... the male half of that tree formed a
brotherhood of apathy and rejection, bonding together to survive
the few times the Shiratori clan was forced to get together and
suffer through Azusa raised to the nth power.
Azusa ALWAYS, repeat, ALWAYS got her way. When Mom and Dad
showed the slightest negative signs, out would flow the tears
until they caved. I had to sit back and watch all of it, fending
for my own as much as possible.
Therefore, it's almost poetic justice that last week Mom and
Dad ditched us. They were feeding the demon that was my sister,
letting her grow strong and spoiled and rotten. She easily took
total control of the house; keeping me out of family photos was
just the start, the test to see what power she had over the rest
of my family. Soon she was decorating the house to her liking,
arranging cute crayon drawings for wall hanging instead of the
paintings that had been in the Shiratori family for years.
The time came after Christmas morning when Azusa was ready
to take the final step; total conquest of the house. It was
frightening. We woke up the next morning in the upstairs hall,
futons dragged out of our rooms. Inside the rooms was more
kawaii than one person could handle.
Azusa had taken over. My room was now the Pet Room, her
room the Doll Room, and our parent's bedchamber was the Bright
Shiny Object Room. She took my laserdisc player for that last
one, and chucked my collection (including The Wall, Jacob's
Ladder and the Blade Runner director's cut) out the window. How
she managed to pull this overnight without any notice was beyond
me... she justified it, claiming that with all her new Christmas
gifts, she ran out of room in HER bedroom and required more
space.
Mom and Dad tried to protest, but they just weren't any
match for her. She had them in a headlock of kawaiihood,
threatening to cry if they didn't approve of her new
organizational enterprise. Mom and Dad quietly shuffled down to
the dining room, futon in hand, and camped out there. I
reluctantly followed; Azusa would have kicked my ass otherwise.
(Ah, yes, that was the other problem. Azusa had been
training with one Mikado Sanzenin, some eccentric playboy I'll
undoubtedly talk about later. She was always violent when she
didn't get her way, but now was frighteningly GOOD at it. I'm
not afraid of my sister, but I don't wanna get hurt either, so I
just avoid dealing with the bitch.)
Mom and Dad left that night. They were beaten and they knew
it... the process of leaving was extended over the week. Every
day, both were working overtime (despite the holidays) or on
business trips, leaving little notes for Azusa to do cook me
dinner. Eventually the notes stopped, and they never came back.
I don't know where they went and I don't care. They got what
they deserved.
I wrote that up in this journal, then tore it up and threw
it away last night. I was too mad to think straight that night
because I couldn't understand why they left, how they let Azusa
skate all over them like that. I know now how weak they were,
and how much fear they had of my sister and why. They've been
punished enough, and don't need my anger. Let them go, always
remembering the one they let overpower them, the soft bastards.
Regret will do my work for me.
That takes me to present day. I had been camping out in the
dining room, occasionally trying to take my own room back; always
being thrown out by Azusa, sliding down the 45' ramp that used to
be our staircase before Azusa convinced Dad to rip it out and
install a kawaii skating slope. The fight went on all week until
today, when she kicked me out.
She was sick of me being 'pushy' and 'trying to take what
was rightfully hers'. I tried to explain Japanese property law
to her, but she kicked me one in the chest and I slid down the
stairs again, headfirst.
"Out! I want you out of MY house, kawaiikune baka!" she
called from upstairs. "It's MINE! MINE!"
I'm not mad. Not now.
She can rot on her own for all I care, surrounded by her
kawaii objects and pink wallpaper. I don't need her one bit.
I'm gone. Tomorrow, I start my life anew, away from HER.
*
January 4th.
Things aren't going well. I've checked into a hotel, but
until I can crack Dad's bank account by remote I'm on my own
moneywise. I've survived on one meal a day, trying to keep my
spending to a minimum--
Argh. Who would have thought that self-sufficient living
would be so HARD?
I don't even have my daily stress reliever handy. One thing
I'll never forgive Azusa for is her taking my CD collection and
trashing it in her new year's rage. All my Nine Inch Nails...
Pantera... Queensryche... gone, broken to bits and destroyed.
All I had left, a few measly metal CDs, I hoarded like gold. My
laptop computer with CD-ROM survived my kicking out,
miraculously, but finding a good place to use it is hard. I
simply don't have a home anymore.
All this travel and uprooting has made me really hate
winter. Not only is it snowy and icy and grayer than hell, but
it's freezing cold and I have to march to school in this weather;
no more car pools with Daddy Dearest. Life is really starting to
suck, or has sucked all this time and sucks to a higher order of
sucking now that it's kicking me in the nuts.
I need a way to survive this.
I NEED A JOB.
That's what it boils down to, I need a job somewhere that'll
keep me in the black. Supplies are goin' down each day, and I
will not be going back 'home' for more. I saw an advert posted
in the window of some restaurant and quickly tore it down to
ensure an open slot... after school tomorrow, I'll check that.
First, however, I have a book report to type up. Excuse me.
*
January 5th.
Mikado's getting on my nerves.
I hadn't been paying much attention to him all year. It's
hard not paying attention to Mikado, since he's impossible to
avoid seeing, what with the Mikado Sanzenin Fan Club trailing him
all over the Kolkhoz High School. Hordes of females, all
hounding him for autographs and words of wisdom and dates.
Mikado just rolls in it like a pig in slop, getting kisses in
whenever he can and using women like cheap toys.
I'd ignored it until now, since that was just Mikado and
Mikado was what Mikado was. Mikado got the women, and you got
the dregs; IF you were lucky. Everybody at Kolkhoz knew him, and
he never changed, one of the few constants in life that you could
truly rely on.
However, today I had to ask him something. I waited in
English class, before the bell was going to ring. He sits in
front of me. The shine from his hair is blinding at times.
"How do you stand being Azusa's skating partner?" I asked.
"Excuse me?" Mikado said, turning around in his seat. The
fan who was trying to shower him with praise humphed and left.
"Azusa. How do you handle her?"
Mikado looked me over. "Who're you?"
"Juyza Shiratori," I replied.
"I don't see any family resemblance."
(Which is correct, because I go out of my way to avoid
resembling Azusa. I've got messy hair, glasses, and a really
evil looking trenchcoat. The less people associate me with her,
the better.)
"She's pushy, but you seem solid as a rock when it comes to
getting your way with women. How do you handle her? Kisses and
romance?"
Mikado went pale. "NO! Gods, no, AZUSA? Romance? No. I
don't think so. Azusa and I are just partners. We both are
expert martial artists and shine like brilliant gold on the ice.
We're the Golden Pair."
"That's what she calls her gerbils. The Golden Pair," I
smirked, letting that sink in.
Mikado's smile fell. "Umm. She didn't make that name up,
actually, no, I did. Just a coincidence, I assure you. I MIGHT
consider changing it later. What was your original question?"
"How do you deal with her?"
"Simple. I don't, thank goodness," he said, giving me a sly
wink as the bell rang an the teacher signalled for class to
begin.
Some help that was. At least I knew for a fact now that he
wasn't poking my sister... although a confirmed kissing bandit
like him avoiding his most everpresent target was strange indeed.
Then again, knowing my sister, he had every right to fear and
avoid her, good skater or not. The last thing any male should be
is Azusa Shiratori's kawaii new boy toy, who she can dress and
hug and name George.
That wasn't the annoying part, though. The annoying part
was when we read our book reports aloud.
Mine was very comprehensive and covered all the bases. A+
paper at LEAST. I read it quite proudly, since this was the best
work I had ever done for this class... no reaction. Class bored.
Understandable, since the material was fairly dry. I could have
let it slide easily.
Then MIKADO stands up in front of class. You know those
commercials from america that they're running here now, the EF
Hutton ones? Similar situation. His report is two pages under
the minimum, poorly written and cheaply supported. Crap.
However, he's reading it like Shatner and striking poses
wherever possible, casting Come Hither looks to all the girls in
class. They're hanging on his every word, enrapt with his speech
patterns. One of the females passes out halfway through. He
closes weakly on a dangling modifier and everybody applauds their
brains out, causing numerous bows before his sits down.
He doesn't deserve attention like that. He doesn't deserve
it, but is going to get it; he's the Pretty Boy Floyd, the teen
heartthrob that gives people official permission to look beyond
the non-perfect people and see him shining brightly, like a disco
ball through the fog. All I can do is be swept aside in his wake
and spin off on my own, bored and alone.
*
January 6th.
I got that job I investigated earlier. Service and food
industry, which is fairly expected... who cares if I'm an
aspiring electronics engineer with a 3.6 grade average? I'm a
teenager, thus flipping burgers I shall be. Or in this case,
waiting tables and flipping okonomiyaki.
The place in question is a little restaurant called
Ucchan's. The proprietor, Ukyou, seemed to understand my
situation; I guess she had encountered or at least heard of my
sister before, even if they go to different schools. (A school
without Mikado Sanzenin and Azusa Shiratori!?? Sign me up!)
"I can offer you semi-full-time employment here," she said.
"I'm having trouble keeping the place open while I'm supposed to
be at school anyway. Can you work during school hours?"
"I don't mind," I said. "I just need to show for the tests.
The teachers don't notice me. Besides, attending Kolkhoz isn't
one of the high points of my life."
"Do you need somewhere to sleep?" she asked. I guess I
should have taken that shower before the hotel booted me out... I
smelled like a bum. Looked like one too.
"Unless you can pay me enough to stay at a hotel, yes."
So she set me up in the back room, with a cheap futon, a
power outlet and a phone jack. Fine by me; my only possessions
were my laptop computer avec modem and a backpack with
schoolbooks and salvaged CDs.
To tell the truth, I'm beginning to miss my house. So it's
cheerful beyond good taste! So it's run by Dominatrix Azusa! It
was technically my home. She still had my laserdisc player and
my spare parts bucket for electronic creations, too. A little
central heating is always nice in these cold winter months, near
a nice fire and a warm blanket. Bite me, I'm sentimental.
Still, I'm committed to self-sufficient living. I can't
cook worth a darn though... it showed immediately in the
'okonomiyaki' I had to cook up occasionally today. I can't help
it, Azusa or Mom always handled the cooking for me, and as long
as I could deal with sugar overload I was perfectly happy living
on their meals.
No... this thought of my old residence wasn't helping. I'll
just have to purge myself of those memories. After all, I've got
a bold new future to explore, very Azusaless.
*
January 7th.
Ukyou sees customers leaving due to the sloppy okonomiyaki I
make, and decides to teach me how to make them properly to keep
from losing any business. She wasn't very angry, oddly. I was
expecting to get the boot, but instead she went about teaching me
the art of okonomiyaki. I wonder if I'd get similar treatment at
some other greasy spoo... spatula.
I've found that if I take a very mechanical attitude towards
it (dividing the recipe up into steps and motions) it works fine,
with a little concentration. I still suck at cooking anything
else, however. Okonomiyaki is the only menu item, making this
Not A Problem.
Ukyou seems really nice. I'm not just saying that because
she's housing me while I'm in exile from Shiratori Manor... the
only girls I've really bumped into during my empty life have
either been :
AZUSA AND/OR OTHER AZUSA CLONES IN THE SHIRATORI FAMILY,
whom I've described in spades already.
SCARED OF ME OR NOT WANTING TO DEAL WITH ME, since I'm not
exactly pretty looking, and can be spotted in police lineups
easily.
A MIKADO FANBOY, err, fangirl, which meant she was otherwise
distracted by Mr. 1% Body Fat.
Therefore, I can conclude that going to Kolkhoz is stunting
my social growth. I've asked Ukyou how I could go about
attending her school (Furinkan) instead, and will start into the
paperwork tomorrow. If the paperwork gets too boring I'll just
try to hack their registration computer and put myself there. No
need to bug them with forms when I can eliminate the middleman.
I helped Ukyou close up shop today, and we talked about
winter and how boring and lonely it was at times. Ukyou isn't as
moody as I am, but something seems amiss... like there's a big
gap in her life that doesn't get filled often enough. I wonder
if there's anything I could do to help, since I do owe her for
helping me out in this sucky portion of my life.
*
January 8th.
Seems Ukyou's engaged, which is funny, because I never saw
her ring. Some guy with a ponytail named Ranma entered the
restaurant today with a cute girl named Akane, both arguing as
they took a table. I started to get their order, but Ukyou cut
me off and dove in for the tip before I could.
"Ran-chan! It's so nice to see you today! You too, Akane!"
she cheered, downtrailing the end of her sentence.
"Just the usual, Ucchan," Ranma asked, returning to some
argument with Akane. I forget the details exactly; from the
sounds of it, the two were used to verbal exchanges like these.
It was fairly reminiscent of Azusa and I yelling... although
Azusa would have faked a cry by now and whooped my butt.
Anyway, I headed back to the kitchen, where Ukyou was
preparing some okonomiyaki I had never seen before.
"What's that for?" I asked. "It's not the usual pattern of
ingredients."
"For Ran-chan! It's his favorite okonomiyaki recipe."
"Who is he, anyway?" I asked.
"He's my fiancee!"
That surprised me, since I had never pegged Ukyou as the
romantic type. She seemed too sensible to get wrapped up in big
puppy dog eyes and candles. Nevertheless, around Ranma, she was
all giggles and mirth. Ever see 'Invasion of the Body
Snatchers'? Same deal. Ukyou went into total joy mode, bouncy
and happy around Ranma. Reminded me of Azusa too much, to tell
the truth. Today was like someone slammed a gallon of sucrose
through her.
I dug a little deeper and found out that Saotome had... get
this... not one, but THREE fiancees and several other female
admirers. Perhaps transferring to Furinkan was a bad idea; at
least Mikado used women up and threw them away, this Saotome guy
was leading three girls on with the idea of marriage. The
thought of going from Mikado to Ranma seemed more and more like
going from the frying pan into the fire, exchanging one Pretty
Boy Floyd for another. A worse one, from the looks of it.
However, in the end I decided that I shouldn't let him keep
me out of Furinkan. The chance to escape my life like this was
too prime to pass up, even if I would be ignored as usual.
*
January 9th.
Ranma's starting to wonder about me, and has asked Ukyou
(when he didn't know I was listening in) what my relationship was
with her. Typical of a Mikadoesque person to worry about
potential competition.
"Who's the new guy you've got working here?" he asked,
digging into his day's okonomiyaki. Akane ate hers silently.
"Just some poor guy who's down on his luck," Ukyou said.
"He's Azusa's brother, apparently."
"Ow," Ranma said. "Poor guy indeed."
You know, it just goes to show : I can't escape my last name
anywhere. I have yet to decide if the pity it seems to bring is
enough to make me go look for another job, though. Ukyou may
have given me a fair shake, but was it because she thought I
could do the job, or was it because she knew about my sister?
I'd like to think I was a people person, not a martyr. Akane
reacted in a different way to my last name, though, repressed
anger. Maybe little sister took something she owned?
I say this because she stopped me on her way out the door.
I thought it was to tip me, which she had forgotten to do, but
apparently she had other ideas.
"You're Azusa's brother, yeah?" she asked, which is silly
considering that Ukyou had already told her.
"Juyza Shiratori," I nodded.
"Tell your silly little sister to quit trying to break into
my house. P-Chan's MINE, not hers."
She promptly left, dragging Ranma with her by his ponytail.
Whatever P-Chan was, I got the picture. Azusa was on object-
obsession-overdrive. How Akane was able to beat her off was
beyond me, though. When Azusa wanted something, typically she
got it. That's just what Azusa is, and what she does. Either
Akane was super strong, super clever, or just really good at
defending her possessions from insane cute people.
I went back to my old school (since the transfer papers
would take 24 hours to process) that day to finish a few tests
and perform wrap-up on my miserable school existence there. Once
that was done... Hel-looo, Furinkan! Finally, it was back to
Ucchan's to clean up and close up shop. We got into the usual
friendly chatter.
"Who's P-Chan?" I asked her during a normal break in topics,
whilst mopping the floor.
"P-Chan?" Ukyou repeated. "Just a pet pig Akane has."
"A pet. That explains it."
"Hmm?"
"Azusa. She's got a thing for pets. She kicked me out of
the house so she'd have room for them all. What used to be my
room now has a lot of empty cages, waiting to be filled, and cute
bunny and ducky wallpaper."
"That's why you're not there now?" Ukyou asked.
"Yup."
"How's she doing, alone at home?"
"Who cares?" I asked, with apropos arm motions. "She wanted
everybody out so badly, so that's what we did. Mom and Dad left
us because they didn't want to handle her, and I left because I
didn't want to handle her. We didn't fit into her kawaii little
world. You know, she sometimes beats up the neighbors if they
don't keep their lawns as kawaii as hers. NOBODY can live in
Azusa's little world but Azusa Shiratori."
I kept mopping, silence repeated back and forth between us.
"How do you do it, by the way?" I asked. "Being self-
sufficient, I mean. You don't have any family here, right?"
"That's right," Ukyou nodded. "I left home to pursue Ran-
chan."
"You've got a business, sort of a fiancee, and you're a
normal, well-adjusted person," I totalled up. "How'd you manage
that? I'm barely shuffling by on tips."
"I try," Ukyou shrugged. "It's not easy, mind you. It gets
a bit lonely at times, which is why I'm so glad Ran-chan stops by
for lunch every now and then. I miss my family, but I'd miss
Ran-chan more if I went home in defeat. So I'll make do here as
best as I can, and wait for him to finally marry me."
Ukyou went home, and I went into the back room, and we fell
asleep pretty distant from each other.
*
January 10th.
My first day at Furinkan. I attended all of my classes,
Ukyou deciding that my education was more important than my job
as we divided the work day equally. Very boring, really...
Furinkan could very well be Kolkhoz, if it wasn't for the
different style of clock implanted in the front wall. All these
schools start to look the same after awhile, with the same kinds
of people and the same kinds of classes.
I didn't bump into Ranma or any of the others, but I've
learned a few things about social structure here... there's this
wannabe samurai called Kunou who is the loudest mouth of
Furinkan, and his dad is a loon with a fixation on Hawaii. Kunou
has a sister named Kodachi with a thing for drugged flowers.
Also, it seems that Akane Tendo gets as much attention as
Mikado... she rebukes it, however, keeping her from becoming
another Sanzenin incarnate. What is it about certain people that
gets them a bunch of fanboys?
I got an account at Furinkan's computer science
department... juyza@shavenyak.furinkan.edu.jp. Yay. Service is
rather limited, which I fixed with some quick 'n dirty hacks to I
could access MUDs and IRC.
Work was the usual today. Talked to Ukyou some, served
okonomiyaki, cleaned up, ran the net and fell asleep. I'm
beginning to fall into a fairly comfortable pattern here, just
like the warm house I used to live in, only better. I can dig
it.
On a Twilight Zone note, I saw a Turn Left sign move today,
shuffling along in the newly fallen snow. I stepped outside to
investigate, and it ran away. This may explain recent traffic
disruptions.
*
January 11th.
Found two interesting things out today during work.
One, Ukyou has an admirer as well. Not a fan club like
Mikado, Ranma or Akane, but a single unrequited Fatal Attraction
type... more like the Crying Game, which I'll shortly explain.
It started when I noticed one too many plants in the store.
I commented about it to Ukyou, she promptly scooped up the plant
with a spatula and hurled it out the door, shouting insults at
the plant. Really awful insults, ones I'd never picture proper
Ukyou saying; this was the third recorded Ukyou Personality to
date. There was Normal Ukyou, a nice girl who lived life one day
at a time. Ranma's Ukyou, a eager to please girl who fawned over
him like a new doll. Now, Tsubasa's Ukyou, a snarling spatula-
tossing demon of rage. Yow.
I took a postmature lunch break and walked out to see the
plant wreckage, but found a small girl with a pot of dirt on her
leg, stumbling and dazed.
Here's the deal; it's not a girl but some transvestite named
Tsubasa, as mentioned. HE seems to have a thing to his 'Ukyou-
sama,' and dresses funny to match her crossdressing. I didn't
notice any crossdressing on Ukyou myself... just because she
doesn't wear skirts doesn't make her a tomboy. Some people just
don't appreciate earthy, natural good looks when surrounded by
adorable little Akanes.
Tsubasa ran off to get a better disguise and I went back to
work. I guess Ukyou was too caught up in this Ranma character to
deal with Tsubasa in any way other than beatings, since he was
every bit as persistent as Azusa... although in an endearing way,
not in a violent way. I don't think he'd ever hurt her. He's
not right for her though, playing fanboy just like the others.
That's not love, it's blind obsession.
The other fun thing I learned was that Mikado has a personal
bodyguard. He introduced himself to me, but did it in such a way
as to not say anything about himself at all. Name, rank and
serial number was about all I got.
He wasn't too much older than me, but certainly not high
school age. I counted the number of concealed weapons he had in
his military drag, quite surprised by the digits involved. I'm
rather good at IDing sneaky plans, even if I did miss the one
that got me homeless. Chance had a simple request.
"Mikado requests that you go home," he stated.
"I am home," I said, crossing my arms.
"Not here, nitwit, back to Shiratori Manor. Azusa's been
hounding Mikado for money, since she's running out quite rapidly,
and to avoid having her drop out of the Golden Pair he's had to
fork it over. This cuts into MY paycheck and thus is Not Good."
"What ARE you doing for him, anyway?"
"Sorry, sir, that's classified," Chance stated. "Need to
know basis only. It would be beneficial for all parties involved
if you would return to your home."
"This clear with Azusa?" I asked.
"I don't think she'd mind, after initial protest. Frankly,
Azusa can't handle the affairs of the house. Taxes are coming up
and she could lose the house if she botches them badly enough."
"Good for her," I grinned.
Chance was confused. "What, you're going to ditch your
sister when she needs you?"
"Just returning the favor. She wants me back so bad, she
can come ask me herself. She'll have to take back what she did
to me before I take back doing the same to her."
"Come on, Juyza, you KNOW she'd never do that."
"Then I guess she's up the creek, huh?" I said. "Wonder if
she'll be staying at her dear San-chan's place when she loses my
previously unhappy home. Have fun with that mental picture."
Chance freaked at this, but I didn't listen to his response.
I had customers to wait on, and wasn't gonna let Ukyou down with
this ridiculous concept of homecoming.
*
January 12th.
Boring day. Classes are just as monotonous as they were
before, and as easy. I don't mind, since this lets me work more
or just cool off from a day's angst-load. I got to watch Kunou
get his butt kicked by Ranma during lunch, which was amusing. I
lost a hundred yen betting on Kunou to some brown-haired girl,
which was not amusing.
After work, Ukyou asked me what Chance had wanted the
previous day. I told her, and she seemed surprised at my
reaction.
"Shouldn't you go back and help your sister?" she asked.
"Ukyou, she ditched ME. Mom and Dad ditched me, too. I
don't think I owe any of them jack at this point," I said
finishing wiping off a table. "Give me ONE good reason why I
should."
"It'd be the responsible thing to do," Ukyou said. "You've
been asking me how I manage to live on my own, and I've always
told you it's through responsibility."
"What, you think I have some obligation to her?" I asked.
"Of course you do! She's family."
"Would you go home and ditch Ranma if your parents wanted
you to?" I asked.
Ukyou couldn't answer that.
*
January 12th.
Ukyou's hounding me to go home. She's getting worried about
AZUSA of all people, and is beginning to get angry with me for
shrugging little sis off so easily.
I'd rather not enrage Ukyou, partly because I saw what she
did to Tsubasa, and partly because I didn't like to see her
getting so angry. I didn't want to be a burr under her saddle,
so I tried just dodging the subject. She's very persistent...
learned it from years of dogging after Ranma, despite a zero
factor of success.
"Alright, suppose I did try to move back in and she wouldn't
let me. What then?"
"Stand up to her. If you don't lend a hand, she's going to
lose everything."
"She'll beat me up. She always does. I don't mind, but
that routine does get old after awhile."
"Well... reason with her, then."
"Reason? Hel-lo? REASON with Azusa Shiratori. That's
quite a concept."
"You've just got to establish a space. How do you think I
manage to get noticed by Ranma among all his fiancees? Space. I
make my presence known, even if I've got stiff competition.
Nobody can kick me out of his life, and believe me, they've
tried."
"Why DO you hound after that Ranma character?" I asked. "I
mean, honestly, you're a nice girl who could have a good
relationship with anybody, Tsubasa aside. What makes Ranma
special?"
"Ran-chan's the nicest man I know. We've been friends since
we were little... he's sweet and caring and kind and so
kawaii..."
"You sound like my sister," I grumped. "Alright, you want
me to go so bad, I'll go. Am I fired?"
"Of course not. You still need a financial source, right?"
she asked. "That IS why you work here, after all."
I hadn't told her that I managed tap into Dad's bank account
four days ago. It wasn't appropriate at the moment.
*
January 13th, a friday. Great.
Actually, it went better than I thought I would. Azusa at
first tried to beat me off and kick me out upon seeing me, but I
managed to drive the truth home.
"What'll you do when tax time shows? When the groceries run
out? When the toilets overflow and the house collapses in an
earthquake?" I asked.
"..."
"Exactly," I nodded. "Face it, sis, you need someone around
to handle all the kawaiikune duties involved in Shiratori Manor.
I don't want anything from you other than room and board, and
I'll chip in from Dad's account and my job. I only request that
I get the dining room and wine cellar."
"But I was going to use the wine cellar for my Azusa
Shrine!" she said. "I've already moved in my trophies and
artwork."
"So move your crayon scrawlings out. I'll stay completely
out of your way... the wine cellar's right below the dining room,
and isolated. Soundproofed, to boot. I just need some space and
you can resume your spoiled lifestyle in return."
She regretfully cleaned out the wine cellar for my own use.
I tried getting my laserdisc player back, but she refused; I did
finagle my stereo out of her, and blasted NIN all night long. It
was one of the three CDs I had left... Pretty Hate Machine,
Justice for All and Jar of Flies. She ditched the rest of them
while I was out.
Still, it felt good being home. I had a place of my own
that was bigger than Ucchan's storeroom, a better futon and some
peace 'n quiet. I still had my job at Ucchan's to boot, getting
the best of both worlds.
Home again, home again, jiggety jig.
*
January 16th.
It's been pretty lonely at times, watching the grey skies
that coat Nerima from the dining room window. I've been making
up for it with my afternoon work hours at Ucchan's and the store-
closeup chats. Azusa stays out of my hair and I stay out of
hers, coming out only for meals, school and work. Coexistence
achieved, and actually much nicer under the Azusa Regime than the
Parental Regime.
I really don't need the job at Ucchan's anymore, since it
looks like Dad has either not noticed my tampering or noticed but
sees it as a way to keep me from screaming parental neglect to
the cops. Fine by me. I'm working less at Ucchan's... just
enough to qualify as part time and get in a little socializing
with Ukyou and the students of Furinkan. Can't hurt.
Mikado showed up for practice today with Chance in tow, who
was doing a good job trying to be subtle at casing the joint. He
was looking in all the little nooks and crannies, under tables,
but in casual ways; "Oops, dropped my gun" for instance. I
suppose he hadn't pegged me as the observational type. He wasn't
being sloppy, just underestimating me.
While the skaters were busy arguing over possession of
Kelli, Azusa's new skate shoelace (previously owned six minutes
ago by Mikado) I stopped Chance for a little chat.
"What're you doing?" I asked.
"Classified."
"Don't give me any of that. You're trying to find good
spots to stick microphones, right?"
Chance blinked. "Am not."
"It's okay, I can understand. That's the reason you're
employed, right? Mikado told me awhile back he didn't deal with
Azusa much, so he must be using you to keep her at bay."
"Among other things, yes," Chance said. "Azusa early
warning detection and avoidance. My client seeks only to
interact with her when no other options are allowed. He sees her
as a serious drag to his social life, in his own words."
"No need to bug the house then. If I spot Azusa headed out
the door to visit her 'San-chan', I'll stop her or send you a
warning. How's that?"
"Sounds fair," Chance said, narrowing his eyes. "What do
you get out of it?"
I got a new NIN CD out of it. Two halos down, seven to go.
I blasted it all night and relaxed. Relaxing to screaming angst
is easy, once you get used to it.
*
January 20th.
Azusa comes home every day with a new injury. I'm not
worried, since I know the little moppet gets into brawls all the
time, but it's beginning to look like she's LOSING for a change.
After returning from Ucchan's to eat dinner here, I noticed her
arm in a sling.
"That awful kawaiikune tomboy Akane did it!" Azusa whined.
"She took my precious piggy Charlotte and I've been trying to get
her back all month."
"Whoa, I think I remember this," I said, eating the sugar
cookie Azusa had baked earlier for dessert. "Didn't you and
Mikado get into a fight over a pig last year?"
"Charlotte!" Azusa nodded furiously. "I agreed to give
Charlotte over to her, but lately, I've just missed my dear piggy
so much..."
"I see. What a shame," I dismissed. "Sister, you really
need to put less sugar in these. I haven't been able to sleep
well for the last three nights, bouncing off the walls."
"Juyza-kun?" Azusa asked, batting her eyelashes. "Could you
do me a TEEENSY favor?"
Okay, I should have known there would be trouble when Azusa
started talking to me nicely. She never had before; why would
she start now? Still, I fell for it, and right into her trap.
She wants me to go get this pig for her. I told her I'd
think about it, but that was just stalling the inevitable, since
when Azusa Shiratori wants something she'll get it. By hook, or
by crook, or buy blunt instruments, it'll be hers eventually.
If I resisted, she'd cry, and continued resistance would
result in a beating and possibly getting kicked out again. I
didn't know if Ukyou would let me back in to Ucchan's... we were
certainly on friendly speaking terms, especially since she said I
wasn't shirking responsibility anymore, but if I left the house
that might change. So I'd have to get the stupid hog and let
that be that.
The problem is HOW.
*
January 21st.
If I'm going to surrender, I'm surrendering on MY terms. I
told Azusa I'd get her dear Charlotte, if and only if she bought
me two more CDs to replace some of the ones she threw away. The
idea of Azusa Shiratori, the lace 'n fluff girl buying a Pantera
album really amuses me, and makes this whole deal tip more in my
favor. Now I'm not submitting to her will, I'm bending her to my
own.
I love power. It's a rare thing for me to have.
Now the problem is in getting the pig. It was the weekend
and I wasn't due at Ucchan's 'til three, so I headed over to the
Tendo Training Hall under the pretense of getting some lessons.
The sensei cried buckets when I announced that I wanted to
be a pupil. Methinks I should have picked a better way in, since
they'd be expecting me to attend multiple classes now; I hoped to
fade into existing students and split. Lucky me, I'm the only
student. How does Mr. Tendo own a house in Tokyo without a
steady source of income? Nerima baffles me sometimes.
Anyway, it turns out I'm as good at martial arts as I am at
cooking. My feeble attempts to fight resulted in me on my back
with my mind floating in its own brainpan for five minutes a
punch.
Somewhere during the lesson, Akane Tendo walked in carrying
a little black piglet : P-Chan, if I remembered correctly, AKA
Charlotte to dear sister. I just needed a quiet moment to nick
the piggy and be off.
Luck tipped in my favor when Mr. Tendo requested that Akane
spar with me while he goes off to get me some ice for my multiple
bruises. Akane reluctantly agreed to it, setting the pig down on
the dojo floor while she ran off to change into a judo suit. A
PERFECT opening.
I tried just scooping the pig up and making a run for it,
but Akane returned before I could bolt out the door. The pig
promptly bit my hand, and Akane attacked me for trying to take
her pig. That is one overly protective girl. She didn't buy my
half-stammered excuse of taking P-Chan for a walk and kept
whacking me with a large hammer she didn't previously have.
After blacking out, I awoke to Mr. Tendo, scolding Akane for
beating the living hell out of a pupil instead of easing up a
little. She was very apologetic and didn't mention my attempted
pignapping. Mr. Tendo scheduled a new lesson which I wasn't
planning on attending, and I went off to Ucchan's.
Ukyou, after cutting directly through an okonomiyaki in
surprise at my injuries, applied bandages to my sore spots.
"That tomboy Akane did this to you?" she asked, wrapping a
gauze around my forehead.
"Yeah. She caught me trying to steal a piglet," I said.
"You were trying to lift P-Chan?" Ukyou asked.
"Azusa demanded that I do it," I replied. "Ow. Don't poke
that. I'm getting some CDs out of the deal."
"P-Chan doesn't even BELONG to Azusa!"
"Tell that to her," I shrugged. "Possession is 9/10ths of
the law, according to her, unless someone else is possessing the
item in question. It's just a pig, who am I to complain? I
thought you didn't LIKE Akane, anyway."
"If you were nice, you'd urge your sister not to steal other
people's property," Ukyou stated.
"Like that would work. Don't worry. I don't think I'm
gonna be able to steal the pig," I said. "Akane covets the
little furry thing like the Turin Shroud. No way that pig's
leaving the house. But as long as I try, Azusa'll be happy.
What do I have to lose?"
"If you do manage to take the pig, Akane'll assume Ranma did
something to it. She has before, after all, and she'd quite
possibly hurt my Ran-chan, which I'd like to avoid."
"Wait. Lifting the pig would cause Ranma great harm?" I
asked. Ukyou nodded.
Hmmmm.
*
January 22nd.
I think I'm gonna go all out on this P-Chan deal. The
clincher was Ukyou's confirmation that this would be bad for
Ranma. I don't want to punish Ukyou, but Ranma deserves a little
humiliation for what he's doing to her. Anybody who totes around
as many fiancees as he does and mistreats Ukyou by stringing her
along instead of ditching or committing deserves a BAD TURN. I
don't much care for ANYBODY who'd triple-time Ukyou.
I can't fight him like Kunou or the others do; I'm no
martial artist and I never will be, even if martial arts seems to
get you places in Nerima. So, I'm using my brain, the only real
resource I've got.
Here's the plan. I spent all of today working on it, since
my Sundays are never very active. Azusa only bugged me once to
handle the bills, but I managed to dive back into the blueprints
shortly after...
Step one is to use my knowledge of Nerima's residents to my
advantage. I don't have the tools to pull this off properly, but
with a little theft it'll work. To wit; the greenhouse of the
Kunou mansion, where I've been told the mistress of the house
grows special flowers that knock you out better than Ny-Quil. I
simply pilfer some, go to the Tendo hall, drop a bouquet in there
and grab the pig while Akane is out of it.
It'll work. It's very simple and easy to detect, but the
key is that nobody knows me. They're expecting Azusa, who is as
subtle as a twenty pound sledge, but some total unknown slipping
in under cover of darkness just isn't going to be noticed. Maybe
I can succeed where Azusa has failed on that alone. Luck needs
to be on my side for this.
For a change, my lack of recognition is going to be helpful.
Poor Ranma. He'll never know WHO hit him. Well, Akane will, but
he'll never know who got Akane to do it.
*
January 23rd.
D-Day.
D as in either Doom or Defiance. Defiance against Saotome's
neglect or Doom if Akane and/or Ms. Kunou beat the living hell
out of me.
Since I write these before I go to bed, I'll let you know up
front that the operation was a success. Here're the fine
details, for historical record :
I snuck into Kunou's mansion by pretending to be selling
photos of Akane. I got the idea when I saw that brown haired
girl that ripped me on the Ranma Vs. Kunou bet forking over
photos of Akane and some red haired girl to Kunou, and getting
ridiculous amounts of money in return.
The door was answered by a little muppet of a man named
Sasuke, who apparently is Kunou's personal bodyguard. He ran
inside to fetch some money, assuming that his master would want
my picture.
I slipped off to the greenhouse, nicking the door open with
my student ID. I pulled on a cheap plastic gas mask; I had no
idea how powerful these flowers might be. All the flowers were
black, all of them roses, but they had weird names on little
placards... some would paralyze, some drive you wild with
passion, most of them disabling or hurting in one way or another.
The sleeping flowers were in the back.
Gathering up a cheap bouquet of the flowers, I headed home
to develop the other part of the plan; a crane mechanism. I was
no climber by any stretch, and needed some easy way in and out of
the Tendo compound.
It was a beauty, a serious feat of engineering marvel. So
rarely do I get to build machines and devices for reasons other
than school, and I went nuts with the project, the idea of a
battered Saotome and new CDs from Azusa driving me all the way.
It had interlocking robotic joints, designed to handle the strain
of a single user plus piglet, able to fold up to fit on my back
at the touch of a button.
(Shame I didn't have time to run down to the patent
office... window washers would pay a slew for this setup.)
The actual snatching of P-Chan was a breeze. Mostly a
breeze. Ranma woke up the minute he heard me setting up the
crane next to the house, and snuck up on me.
"What'cha got there, bub?" he asked.
"Weather equipment," I said, extending the crane. "Part of
a science project. Mind if I set up here? I won't be long and
won't disturb anybody."
"Do I know you?" he asked, looking me over carefully. He
had no facial twitches of recognition... I wasn't Kunou, I wasn't
Ryouga, I wasn't Kodachi or anybody else who might come a-
knockin' this late, so I wasn't a threat.
"Nope. Just a student. You may want to step back, the
slightest breeze could affect my readings."
Saotome stepped back while I prepped the very same crane
that would pluck P-Chan, Ranma obviously not understanding its
true purpose. He eventually got bored and left. I waited about
an hour, paging through a Gibson novel until it was safe to
assume Saotome had gone to bed.
The harness snapped on, and by remote control I glided up to
Akane's window like Peter Pan. A few quick oil spurts on the
hinges to her window and I was in the frame without ANY
detection. Perfecto.
The flowers went in, landing nicely on her bed. I glued the
roses together, since it looked like they would fall apart and
spray the place with petals otherwise; I wanted them OUT, without
any evidence. I don't think Kodachi ever used them in a stealthy
manner, but I had to.
Akane kept on sleeping. P-Chan, crushed against her chest
like a throw pillow, was jarred awake by the impact of the roses
near him but quickly fell asleep again. PERFECTO twice. (Lucky
pig though, smashed up near Akane's bosom like that. If he was
really a human, I could see him getting quite attached to her in
a way other than pet-master.)
I unhooked from the crane assembly and snuck inside, shoes
tied around my neck to prevent any sneaker noises. The pig was
pulled away easily, since Akane was too deep into sleep to put up
a protest. NICKED. Done.
The crane protested a bit under added weight, but folded up
and returned me to the side of the house quickly. I stashed the
crane and hightailed it for Shiratori Manor.
Ranma would probably get a pounding and I would get the
satisfaction of a little respect from Azusa. Life could not have
been better. Nobody other than Saotome was worse for wear. As
for P-Chan, well, he was just a pig; who cared what HE felt?
*
January 24th. V-Day!
Victory at last. Azusa woke up to find P-Chan snuggled up
in one of her nice shiny cages in my old room. P-Chan woke up
rather enraged about this, but the cage was unbreakable; I made
sure to that. 'Charlotte' was staying PUT.
"You did it!" Azusa cheered, hugging the cage. P-Chan
looked miserable, submitting sadly to his fate.
"Ahem," I prompted.
"Thankee, Juyza-kun!"
"Ahem."
"I'll never forget this. Maybe you can help me get other
stuff that's been stolen from me--"
"AHEM!"
"Nani?" she asked, batting her eyes cutely.
"My CD. Pantera. You promised," I said. "I fulfilled my
end of the bargain."
"B... but I can't go into that awful Depleted Uranium Music
Outlet!" Azusa complained. "It's kawaiikune squared and full of
ugly smelly people."
"And won't it be SO MUCH FUN shopping there?" I joked,
leading her out of the room. P-Chan bwee'd angrily at me, so I
flashed him the bird.
Having Azusa (in her best dress no less) buy a grind and
whine death metal album was just too much. I watched through the
store window as the clerk gaped at the adorable little moppet
buying some good 'ol loud dog-slaying music, ringing up the sales
receipt in confusion.
Azusa wasn't saying anything, which is good, because revenge
is best savored silently. I let her know calmly that she had
better not tell anybody she knows where Charlotte is if she wants
to keep her, and she nodded quietly in return.
Ucchan's was closed today, for some reason.
*
January 25th. One month since Mom and Dad left, wowee.
I decided to take an early shift at Ucchan's to celebrate my
victory over the powers that be. I mean, let's face it, I was
king of my world; I had power over my sister, proven by her
disgrace at the record store. I had power over the Pretty Boys,
by getting Ranma in dutch. I was master of all I surveyed and
feeling DAMN happy, having spit in the eye of everybody that was
holding me down.
I arrived just as Ucchan was closing for the day.
"Didn't you hear?" she asked. "P-Chan's gone. Akane bent
Ran-chan's neck after accusing him of losing her pig, and Ran-
chan's recuperating at Doctor Tofu's while Akane goes off looking
for her pet."
"So why are you closing the store?" I asked, pointing to the
swinging 'CLOSED' sign.
"I'm part of the search party. We've been searching since
yesterday. I hope we find that pig, for Ran-chan's sake."
"Aw, if the baka was dumb enough to lose the pig, let him
suffer for it," I said before Ukyou pasted me one with her
spatula.
Okay, that was odd. All the power I had in me was drained
in a single spatula swipe -- the FIRST TIME Ukyou had ever
smacked me one. She hits Tsubasa all the time, but never to this
date had she raised a hand against me, her trusted companion and
worker. That'll deflate an ego like a ton of bricks.
"Ran-chan is NOT a baka," Ukyou growled. "You take that
back!"
"Hrmmphhg," I took back, face planted in the cold earth.
Ukyou narrowed her eyes at me as I righted myself. "Juyza,
YOU wouldn't happen to know what's happened to P-Chan, would
you?"
"Of course not," I said. "Why would I?"
"Since you were telling me you were going to kidnap him,
that's why," Ukyou accused. "One might think that was a motive."
"Oh. That. No, I decided it was impossible and folded.
Azusa wasn't happy, but I don't care."
I wonder if she fell for it...
I joined the search party, consisting mostly of Akane, her
sisters, Ukyou and a few other Nerima people I hadn't met before.
We didn't turn up much, since they didn't check Azusa's house...
odd. Maybe because she didn't claim the pig herself, they didn't
think he could be there?
Ukyou was really, really trying to find the pig. I didn't
get why. The damage was done, Ranma was pounded and that was
that. Wouldn't she be wooing at his bedside, praying her Master
got better like a good little Ran-chan's servant girl? Or did
she think that this would help him more?
Ucchan's didn't need cleaning up, so I went home after the
search party, ignoring the tormented oinks and squeals from the
Pet Room as I checked my e-mail.
*
January 26th.
Two important things to note, one considerably more
important than the other. First is I've been beefing up the
security around the house to avoid anybody locating P-Chan here,
with a little assistance from Chance, who volunteered to do it
under unusual circumstances.
Mikado was stopping by to take Azusa out for a weekly
practice, Chance in tow to prevent Azusa from getting in the way
of Mikado's otential kiss-victims. Mikado hadn't changed much
since I ditched Kolkhoz, truth be told, still one of the
constants of the universe. Rather reassuring in a way.
"What're you doing?" Chance asked, as I fiddled with the
doorknob.
"Installing a better door lock," I said.
"Humph. Laymen. If you want to secure the house, you're
doing it all wrong."
"Excuse me?"
"Are you trying to keep people inside from leaving or
outsiders from entering?"
"Ummm... both, if I can."
"That cheap-ass Do-It-Yourself deadbolt won't do either.
What you need is some perimeter wire with screamers attached, a
few searchlights, and reinforced glass."
With a speed rivalling the fastest ramen delivery service in
town, Chance had my house swarming with a dozen similarly-garbed
military boys, installing sliding blast shields over windows and
triple-coded, unobtrusive magnetic locks on the three gallery
doors. Azusa and Mikado were off skating while Chance directed
the army guys, turning Shiratori Manor into Shiratori Survival
Bunker.
"Okay, you have alarms set on all major entrances and exits,
a special DNA printing lock on all upstairs doors and drop-down
metal panelling over every window," Chance said. "NOW your house
is secure. You can finish installing that deadbolt if you want,
but I think it's a bit pointless now..."
"Gaah," I thanked, not sure how to react to turning my house
into Fort Wayne in under two hours.
"Your bill is a million yen," he said, handing me a receipt.
"Pay to the Lazarus organization."
"Put it on Mikado's tab," I suggested. "I think this files
as an Azusa Prevention Measure."
Chance smiled slowly. "Excellent idea, sir. Enjoy your new
system. I'll leave the user's manual in the dining room, along
with the remote."
Boy, did I hope 'San-chan' had the cash to cover that.
Anyway, THAT was the unimportant bit. This was the important
one.
"Juyza-kun!" Azusa called from the lobby, while I tried to
pull my laserdisc player out of the wall and sneak it off. A few
hours had passed since she returned from practice. "Charlotte's
starting to smell funny. Can you please give her a nice bath
while I'm out?"
"Where are you going?" I asked out of reflex.
"I'm going to San-chan's for a tea party! Bye!" Azusa
called, heading out. I lunged for the SecurHouse Remote Control,
but she was out the door before I could lock up. I shrugged, and
phoned a warning to Chance. Best I could manage.
I grabbed 'Charlotte's handy portable cage and made my way
through the double-DNA locks on the Pet Room and Bathroom. Maybe
this stuff was a little TOO intense... I decided to read the
manual and shut some of the lesser systems off after finishing
this chore.
I filled the tub with warm water. P-Chan panicked at the
sight of the water and whanged around his cage wildly, but I
managed to wrestle it under control and dip the cage into the
water. I figured a few good dunks would do it, no need to go
nuts scrubbing him.
Two things happened.
One, P-Chan vanished. I had no idea piglets were water
soluble.
Two, some weird naked guy with a bandanna leaped out of the
tub. I thought, "Hey, a weird naked guy with a bandanna just
leaped out of my tub." You would too given the situation. I
don't think Chance had counted on assailants entering through the
plumbing.
He started throttling me immediately, which wasn't fun, but
eventually he gave up on that and tried ripping the door open.
It wouldn't work thanks to the DNA lock, which I'd probably
disable later since I didn't want guests that needed the toilet
to get trapped in here forever. For now, it did a good job at
keeping the boy inside.
"Where'd P-Chan go?" I asked him, but he ignored me and kept
trying the door. Eventually he realized it wasn't working, and
jabbed a finger at it, yelling something about exploding points.
I don't think whatever it was he was expecting to happen
happened, because he just sat there with a finger pressed against
the solid oak-with-steel-insides door, confused.
Next he grabbed me and ordered me to open the door. I was
only happy to oblige, and I got him something to wear while I was
at it so he wouldn't be running around the house naked.
"Before you run, can you tell me where P-Chan went?" I
asked.
"I'm... I took him," the boy said. "You've got no right
capturing and torturing poor pigs like that. Do you have any
idea the HORRORS your sister has in that Pet Room?! Silly doll
outfits! Milk bottles with mud in them! And her hugs...
crushing you to the point of broken ribs..."
"You've got a real hangup over pigs, pal," I commented. The
boy tightened his headlock and nudged me towards the front door.
"Open it," he ordered. I reached out at my weird angle and
worked the door open. The boy took off into the night, screaming
something about rejoining his dear Akane. If he wanted to go to
the Tendos, he was going the wrong way, but was already out of
sight before I could warn him.
Weird guy. If he did nab P-Chan, however, I could be in
trouble. My nyah-nyah in Ranma's face was over and done with,
but now I'd have to deal with Azusa.
Azusa came home shortly afterwards with a new collar for
Charlotte to wear (which looked like it was pilfered from a
prison camp) and completely flipped out when she found his wet
and broken up cage instead of a piggie.
"Hey, don't blame me, some weird naked guy got him," I
shrugged. "Jumped me in the bathroom, gave me a speech and
split. I think he was an animal rights activist or something."
"Get her back!" Azusa demanded. "Charlotte's mine! I want,
I want! Get me Charlotte!"
"TWO CDs," I said. "And that's just to CONSIDER it."
"I don't wanna go back to that store!"
"So much for your pig, then," I shrugged. Azusa decided to
sleep on it, and so did I. I forgot to visit Ucchan's in the
mess.
In hindsight, I wonder if... okay, it sounds ridiculous, but
frankly I've heard of weirder : was P-Chan really that naked guy
in disguise? Honestly. The guy couldn't have come in through
the drain, so how else did he get there? Teleportation?
It doesn't matter, though; the pig's gone, one way or
another. The damage is done. I could investigate the problem of
were-pigs later, if time allowed.
*
January 27th.
I visited Ranma in the hospital today, tailing after Ukyou.
She wanted to be by his side now that P-Chan mysteriously turned
up... since pigs can't talk, I was safe, but if that naked guy
showed up (or turned out to BE the pig) I could be in for a
sticky situation. I made sure to keep my answers to any
questions regarding the situation short and sweet.
Ranma actually wasn't very badly hurt to begin with... he's
survived scuffles with his other fiancees before, and loses the
piglet all the time. It's quite common, apparently. But for
some reason Doctor Tofu went completely berserk and managed to
break Ranma's arm and three ribs while he was examining the boy's
neck. The Tendos were visiting at the time... strange for him to
select that moment of all moments to go scooters, right when
there were plenty of witnesses. He seems like such a nice
doctor, normally.
Ranma recognized me as the kid with the weather project, and
Ukyou told him my real name, but Saotome didn't make the
connection. Ukyou was beginning to suspect, but I quietly
steered the conversation away from that whenever it turned up.
"Is the stupid pig back yet?" Ranma asked, hiking himself
painfully up in bed.
Ukyou nodded. "He showed up last night. I think he MIGHT
have just been lost again."
Ranma wheezed a sigh of relief. "Thank goodness. It's not
like him to wander out in the middle of the night, while Akane
had him buried under her. Could someone have lifted him?"
"I have leads," Ukyou said, not looking in my direction.
"I'll look into it for you. Akane'll eat her words for claiming
my Ran-chan lost her stupid pet!"
Ukyou was not a happy camper that day. I tried chatting
with her on the way back to the store about it.
"Why do you think the pig was kidnapped?" I asked.
"Ran-chan's right, P-Chan wouldn't run away in the middle of
the night. Maybe someone who really wanted revenge on Akane took
the pig, or maybe it was a pork fetishist... Nerima's a weird
place, you know."
"Tell me about it," I said. "Here I was thinking I could
escape the Twilight Zone by transferring to Furinkan. Fat
chance. Still, it's a more amusing Twilight Zone and less of a
dreary one."
"You like it here, don't you?" she asked, opening the
store's front door (since our walking travels had just reached
it).
"Certainly. Ucchan's is a great place," I said. "You run a
fine restaurant."
"No, I mean Furinkan."
"Hmm? Oh, that. Yeah, it's cool too. I've been quite
happy here for a change."
"Not too boring?"
"Certainly not!"
"And you enjoy the food at Ucchan's, yes?"
"Of course!"
"And I pay you enough even though you don't work very often,
right?"
"Yuppers."
"And P-Chan ran away from Azusa's house today, right?"
"Uh-huh," I nodded.
Open mouth. Insert foot.
Ukyou walked inside and locked the door behind her.
*
January 28th.
The snow started again. When will this damn weather go
away? Some claim that snow's a beautiful and lovely weather
occurrence, where you can make snowmen and sled and have fun. I
say it's cold, wet, sticky, and bogs you down.
I really screwed it up badly. I guessed Ukyou had blown the
news by now that I was responsible for the theft of P-Chan. I
tried rattling the door last night after she shut it on me, but
she ignored the noise. Phone calls were unanswered. Faxes
unsent. I tried a message by arrow, but the bowstring broke.
The girl had jammed a spatula right through all my lines of
communication, giving me the godawful silent treatment for my
betrayal.
So, I tried e-mail. She had an account, rarely used, but
did read her mail when her schooltime and work allowed it.
TO : ukyou@utensil.furinkan.edu.jp
FROM : juyza@shavenyak.furinkan.edu.jp
I'm sorry for the mess I've made. I know that sounds lame,
but it's true, and I'm not going to do it again. Please don't
hate me. I really don't want you to hate me.
EOF
I can't cancel the mail, even if it was the weakest, most
pathetic bit of writing drivel I've ever slapped down in bits and
bytes. Mailing again would look weird. All I can do is pray to
the gods that she gets the letter and lets me talk to her again.
Why was I doing this? I don't know. But Ukyou was the only
person I had regular, healthy contact with in my new school and I
didn't want to lose that. She could fire me and cast me off, but
I didn't want her to not talk to me. That was horrible, like all
these little anti-Juyza thoughts were whizzing around her head
and I couldn't hear any. If she screamed and yelled and beat me
to death I wouldn't mind, I'd die, but she'd at least TALK TO ME,
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
*
January 29th
Ukyou hasn't responded to my mail yet. School closed
because of snow. I'm checking my mail every ten minutes.
*
January 30th
School is still closed and Chance's little toys are proving
not to be insulated. Already Azusa's been trapped in her Dolly
Room, and I had to pry the door open with a stick. I used the
remote to shut all the systems down; I already lost what I was
protecting and disgraced myself. Even if someone looted all of
Azusa's galleries, I wouldn't care. Just more pain to heap onto
the pain already there.
I'm still checking my mail. I considered going by Ucchan's,
but I couldn't get myself to do it.
*
January 31st
I'm starting to wonder what Ukyou's doing right now. I'm
envisioning her at Ranma's place, playing slave girl to him while
he enjoys it, talking about how that baka Juyza nearly had her
tricked into thinking he was an okay guy. Maybe he's even taking
advantage of her...
OKAY, that's a bit of a stretch. She was probably just
tending to the store, not scootching by Ranma's side. I need a
solid dose of reality in the form of e-mail, or I'll go start
raving mad. I'm beating myself up over this, but I don't feel
like stopping myself from doing it since I get the feeling that I
deserve it.
*
February 1st. New month, whooo. Yahoo.
Something was wrong. According to finger, Ukyou has read
her mail, but I don't have a reply. Did the mailer eat it? Did
she read it and delete it, ignoring me? What was going on?
I couldn't handle the stress. I had to see her, even if she
wouldn't look at me. I plodded through the snow, heading down
the familiar route to Ucchan's.
Business was low, since most people were stuck at home,
holed up with central heating and hot chocolate. Here I was,
fighting the elements to go visit a woman who would probably whap
me one with a spatula and call our somewhat weird relationship
null and void. I wanted to hear her talk, though, certain doom
or not. At least have her declare me to be a baka and get it
over with.
I pushed open the door in such a way as not to ring the
little bell over the door. Ukyou was busy behind the counter
working on counting yen from the day's slim pickings when I
entered.
"Hi," I waved weakly.
Ukyou looked up, then looked back down.
"I think you got my mail," I said, ignoring her ignoring me.
"If you didn't, I'll let you know now that I really am sorry for
taking P-Chan. I knew what would happen to Ranma, and did it
anyway, even though you specifically told me not to. I know I'm
pond scum and don't deserve this job anymore, but I'd at least
like to hear you say that. Say anything, really."
"You're fired," she said, not looking up.
"Good," I wheezed, exhaling finally. "I'm glad to hear it."
"I can understand why you did it, though," she said, looking
up. Brown eyes...
"Yeah?" I replied, egging her on.
"Everybody knows how pushy your sister is. You probably
didn't have much choice, and I know you don't like dealing with
her... Anybody else would have done it. I'm not that angry,
really, just... betrayed."
"You're not angry?"
"Not really. You're a nice guy, Juyza, I know you wouldn't
do anything like that out of malice."
"But I did!" I said. "You're probably going to kill me
after I say it, but I gotta, Ukyou. See, I did it not only in a
power play against my sister, but I wanted to hurt Ranma a
little. I KNEW it would happen, and liked the idea."
"Hurt... Ran-chan?" Ukyou asked, confused. "Why would you
want to do that?"
"You deserve better than him, that's why!" I yelled, kicking
a nearby potted plant, which yelped in pain. Ukyou paused to
scoop Tsubasa up and chuck him out the door, and then motioned
for me to continue.
"Frankly, the guy's got three fiancees and doesn't seem
intent on picking one. And here you are, strung along, hopes up
and trying to please him when he avoids committing or rejecting
at all costs. That's bloody awful and it's gotta tear you up to
have to live through it. Any man that'd do THAT to you deserves
a world of pain, a whole lifetime of hurting! You try to make
him happy when his other fiancees abuse him and he doesn't seem
to care. To him, you're just his cute fiancee Ucchan, nothing
more. You deserve more than him."
Ukyou paused, soaking that in. "Are you done?"
"Yeah. If you want to destroy me, go ahead. I've said my
peace and can get out of your life if you want me to. Just say
the word."
She laughed.
I can't believe it, she was laughing. Laughing at my misery
and her own. She shook her head, and I noticed tears near the
corners of her eyes, the first time I ever spotted a sob from
Ukyou. Ukyou, the sensible one, always patient, always calm,
keeping herself in check for the rare moments when Ranma would
enter her life.
"Oh, Juyza-kun. You're so observant and you just don't see
the whole picture," she said, mopping her face up a little with
her apron. "I know Ranma is stuck in indecision, and probably
will never get out of it. I know he might not pick me to be his
wife, but I love him anyway just because of who he is. He brings
some rare light into my life, and I cherish those moments..."
"Light he takes away each time he offers it," I growled.
"But I live for those moments, Juyza. If I can never have
him, at least I'll have the times I had together with him and can
look back on those fondly. I want him to know that I love him,
no matter who he picks or what he does in the future, and that
being around him is enough. I'll try and I'll keep trying,
because even if the goal is unreachable, the struggle to get
there is what counts."
"But isn't it hollow? Pointless? A waste of time? I mean,
living for select times in your life, knowing full well you may
never get any more..."
"We all do our best. Akane, Shampoo and I. Whoever wins in
the end will win, but we'll all have a piece of him here," she
said, pointing to her heart. "I can understand you wanting some
revenge, but it's perfectly alright. Maybe because I'm not as
giddy when he isn't around, you think I'm unhappy, but really I'm
not. I like my life and wouldn't want to live it any other way.
I'm right where I want to be at the moment."
"So you don't want to destroy me for hurting your Ran-chan?"
"If I destroyed everybody that hurt Ran-chan, there'd be a
pile of dead bodies as high as Furinkan's clock tower," Ukyou
laughed. "He has a lot of enemies. That's why he can't pick,
really; the ties that bind him to us bind him to a number of
horrible deaths as well. I really feel sorry for him at times."
"So what should I do?" I asked. "Here I was expecting my
demise and I find you surprisingly lenient. I'm confused."
"You're still fired, of course," Ukyou said. "Really, you
don't need to pretend you need the money. I know about your
dad's account."
"You do?"
"You told me yourself... in the little things, things
mentioned on the side. I've gotten to learn a lot about you,
Juyza. You don't need to pretend to be money-stricken just to
show up and talk to me. I talk to customers all the time."
"Where does this put us?" I asked. The real question.
"Was there ever an us?" Ukyou asked.
"I can't tell. I mean, I've been showing all the signs of
puppy dog love, despite my total lack of belief in the concept.
I've done silly things in your name and regretted things I've
done because of your reaction. I'm think I'm starting to act
like Tsubasa."
"No you're not. He's obsessed. You're a caring friend,
Juyza. That's not a bad thing."
"A friend," I repeated.
"Do you mind being called that?" she asked.
"No... no, not really. You're a wonderful person, Ukyou,
but I don't think I could provide for you what your Ran-chan can.
But it doesn't mean I don't care about you any less. I'd be
kidding myself if I thought I was the right person for you, but
I'm not going to walk out of your life. What's left to meet
those requirements but a good friendship?"
"So, friends?" she asked, holding out a hand to shake.
"Friends," I repeated, shaking the hand firmly. "I
certainly could use a good friend."
"Well, friend, rest assured that I didn't tell Akane about
your swine escapades," Ukyou said.
"You didn't? Why?"
"Too many people in this town already have blood enemies.
There's no reason for me to give you one. You've got enough
troubles of your own to have to deal with more."
"Really?"
"Really."
"Well... thanks... Ucchan."
"Don't mention it," she laughed. "What're friends for?"
After that, the conversation dipped into the usual things;
recent movies, restaurant biz, the mayhem that surrounds and
binds Nermians to the land like a neon colored party streamer.
The usual things and stuff, stuff and things, two good friends
talking just as they always had.
I was happy about it all. I helped her close up shop later
on, checked my e-mail mbox (empty) and went to bed.
*
February 15th.
Not too many bizarre things have happened. Well, plenty,
like this ancient sword Azusa got me to swipe for her (and I in
turn got back to the owner for double the CDs Azusa offered), and
the weird business with the enchanted noodles Ukyou had to
prevent Ranma from eating. P-Chan was still with Akane, I never
saw the weird naked guy again, and Chance and I swapped Azusa
Prevention tips.
The weather was a bitch and the schoolwork sucked and
generally life was a chaotic torrent of mishaps and disturbances.
Life was sucky at times and very cool at others and everything
was business as usual.
I'll probably stop this journal now, since I've settled into
a routine. Just like my routine of pain back in the day of
Azusa's Family Regime and my brief excursion into the fast food
industry, I'm locked into the loop once more and sitting pretty.
I get into schemes with Azusa, Chance keeps Mikado safe from her,
I chat with Ukyou when I can and Ranma still is the unluckiest
man on earth. (I've gotten a bit more respect for him, through
stories Ukyou tells me of his behaivor and problems. Oy, and I
thought I had it bad?) Generally, this is a loop and a pattern I
can get used to, and one I hope to be stuck in for a long time.
A very long time indeed.
*
CLOSING THEME : "Welcome to Paradise," Green Day
Dear Mother, can you hear me whining?
It's been three whole weeks since I have left your home.
This sudden fear has left me trembling,
'Cause now it seems that I am out here on my own...
And I'm feeling so alone...
Pay attention to the cracked streets and the broken homes
Some call it slums;
Some call it nice!
I want to take you through a wasteland
I'd like to call my home
Welcome to paradise!
A gunshot rings out at the station
Another urchin snaps and left dead on his own.
It makes me wonder why I'm still here
For some strange reason,
It's now feeling like my home,
And I'm never gonna go...
Pay attention to the cracked streets and the broken homes
Some call it slums;
Some call it nice!
I want to take you through a wasteland
I'd like to call my home
Welcome to paradise!
(solo)
Dear Mother, can you hear me laughing?
It's been six whole months since I have left your home.
It makes me wonder why I'm still here
For some strange reason,
It's now feeling like my home,
And I'm never gonna go...
Pay attention to the cracked streets and the broken homes
Some call it slums;
Some call it nice!
I want to take you through a wasteland
I'd like to call my home
Welcome to paradise!
THE END
-=-
AUTHOR'S POSTSCRIPT :
Life is not fun in the Ranma universe for anybody. It's
FUNNY, but not FUN. Existing there means getting into the
requisite amount of brawls, duels, training, kidnappings,
entangling relationships and so on. It's a tough place to live,
but it's home, and we love it anyway.
Juyza is stuck in a similar situation, but his situation is
a bit grimmer because he's a minor character. He never even gets
MENTIONED... just pushed aside since the important people like
Azusa take center stage. This is a minor character's chance to
break into the limelight and start interacting with Nerima's
weirdest citizens, and he generally ends up better than he had
been before; he's found a friend in Ukyou (although I have a
feeling he's going to stick up for her beyond normal friendship),
and gotten involved in the plots and mayhem surrounding the
Golden Pair. He starts out friendless and bitter, and ends up
with friends and a newer outlook on the world. From 'Life sucks'
to 'Life sucks at times, but I can deal, bring it on.' Quite an
uplifting ending.
The story, however, is not fun to begin with. One of the
main complaints of reviewers that was it wasn't Takahashi in
nature, but the story never tried to be nor claimed to be silly
fun. It's a slight dosage of the Real World (not the MTV show,
the actual thing), a dosage that was there all along but passed
over. Some didn't like the slang and language, some the
situations presented. I cleaned up the language (all three
instances of the s-word), since that wasn't too much to ask.
Still, I'm not sure how this happened. I set out to write
something interesting about this neat character I had worked up
for a TP on RanmaMUCK, and I began to really identify with
Juyza... seeing the Ranma situation from the burned, bitter
viewpoint of a neglected Shiratori. I really got into it and was
typing at WPMs that I normally reserve for some of my better
FWLSes, like Help and Bloodlines. When I'm moving that fast,
getting involved that deep with the characters, I know from
experience that I've got some hot stuff indeed on my hands. This
is why I was so shocked that not too many of the proofs liked it.
I've taken steps to try and make it a bit lighter, but not
so much that I'm bowing and scraping to audience whim. Most of
the original spirit is present and going strong, since without
that the story falls apart. Most of my fanfic so far, even with
comedy, has been fairly dark since that's what I'm used to
writing. I'm guessing if you liked the others, this one won't
rub you the wrong way.
The other biggest complaint was my characterization of
Ukyou. Being the japanese-lacking American wannabe otaku I am,
I'm stuck with Viz. I've been observing and taking notes and
trying, and have done an okay job ensuring IC so far, but I'm
told by proofers that my Ukyou is really out of whack, since
she's too depressed.
I was trying to show Ukyou as a good businesswoman, who's a
bit more mature than the other fiancees and thinks in the long
term instead of the Quick Ranma Fix (although she wouldn't shun
one if it was presented to her :). The main bit that inspired
this was the beginning of 'For Want of a Nail', where she had to
work through her own birthday to make enough money to stay near
Ran-chan. Using fanfiction as character basis is dangerous, but
I could understand this angle; clearly the girl is willing to go
the extra mile to be with Ranma, even if the extra mile means
working harder and missing out on the fun. She must miss her
Ran-chan at times, and look forward to his visits.
Juyza doesn't know enough to look by the occasional
melancholy of non-Ranma and see the true Ukyou (which she hints
at during the closing dialogue). Seems logical enough to me, a
different interpretation of how Ukyou spends her off-camera
hours. I didn't change her character too much on this, just
enough to ensure that it is Juyza's incorrect observations
coupled with a little light melancholy.
All that mess adds up for one strange fanfic. It's
different, but as I mentioned in the foreword, different is good.
Variety is nice. We could use a few more serious Ranma stories
(not overdramatic or graphic in nature, just serious.)
So hey, bake my mailbox in flames, praise, or advertisements
for Jusenkyo(tm) magical products. I welcome any response to
this. I won't defend the fanfic from attacks, though; if you
have a problem with it, I won't argue with you, it's your opinion
and you're entitled to it. I will answer questions about its
development or aspects of the characters you'd like to know more
about. Fanficmail beats the hell out of Pongmail any day.
Thanks, and I sincerely hope you enjoyed the story. I'm
having fun writing these; they're a great departure from my FWLS
norm, which is really starting to get dull for me. If you'll
excuse me, I'm off to call Viz and order tape six. (I screwed up
and got seven, and now have a hole. Whooo. :)
-- Stefan "Twoflower" Gagne (twoflowr@pixelscapes.com)