A/N: I've been deprived of fan-fiction for the past billion days. Sorry, life's always so hectic and you lose some things, and then bring them back. A massive thanks to the hidden author, for beta-ing. She is my guardian Angel
The cold breeze slid through the window and pleasantly onto my face, causing me to drift numbly through consciousness. The moon cast a shadowy light through the house, alerting me to the darkness that surrounded me. As I slowly pried my unusually sleep-filled eyes open, my gaze was set upon the couch, where a large, tired boy slept. I watched his chest rise and fall slowly and peacefully, filled with compassion and pity for his close-to-lifeless form. I sighed with the relief of his presence, which was cut short when my raw dry through tore through with pain, and I remembered how difficult it was to breathe.
My mind wandered back to the cause of my throat, and my wonderfully reckless act that had once again brought me the peace of Edward's voice. I waited for the pain of his remembrance to grip me again. As what I thought were lost memories etched painfully at the hole in my chest, I focused on pushing the cold air through my hot, salty mouth.
'He and I…
Were something beautiful.'
Indeed, the memories of my long-lost Edward filled my mind. Images that brought him no justice I'm sure, but they threatened to make my eyes swell with grief once more.
The cold, marble contours of his chest, his bottomless topaz eyes. His supple, smooth skin. His perfectly crooked smile as he joked, his frustration when he didn't understand my mind. His constant anger at himself for letting things get so far…
Maybe he knew that he didn't love me enough, even then?
Maybe it was all just a test for himself against the one human that had a hold on him.
The painful question propped up inside my mind: Did he ever love me at all? I pushed it back, afraid what it would bring if the notion lasted too long.
'But so dysfunctional, it couldn't last.'
We were dysfunctional, from every perspective. Maybe we–no, I fell to hard too quickly. And how were we supposed to last? The lion and the lamb. I was his prey, and I came to him with loving arms. That was all I could offer. He was too good to be mine; the fact that he was my predator was an insignificant piece of information to me.
But then again, no-body agreed with the relationship to start with. Rosalie's stunning face filled my mind. I shook her cold eyes out of my head hastily.
'I loved him so…
But I let him go…
Because I knew he'd never,
Love me back.'
'"Where we're going… It's not the right place for you."
"Where you are is the right place for me."
"I'm no good for you, Bella."
"Don't be ridiculous." I wanted to sound angry, but it just sounded like I was begging. "You're the very best part of my life."
"My world is not for you.' He said grimly.
"What happened with Jasper–that was nothing, Edward! Nothing!"
"You're right," he agreed. "It was exactly what was to be expected."
"You promised! In Phoenix, you promised that you would stay–"
"As long as that was best for you," he interrupted to correct me.
"No! This is about my soul, isn't it?" I shouted, furious, the words exploding out of me–somehow it still sounded like a plea. "Carlisle told me about that, and I don't care, Edward. I don't care! You can have my soul. I don't want it without you–it's yours already!"
He took a deep breath and stared, unseeingly, at the ground for a long moment. His mouth twisted the tiniest bit. When he finally looked up, his eyes were different, harder–like the liquid gold had frozen solid.
"Bella, I don't want you to come with me. He spoke the words slowly and precisely, his cold eyes on my face, watching as I absorbed what he was really saying.
There was a pause as I repeated the words in my head a few times, sifting through them for their real intent.
"You…don't…want me?" I tried out other words, confused by the way they sounded, placed in that order.
"No."
I stared, uncomprehending, into his eyes. He stared back without apology. His eyes were like topaz–hard and clear and very deep. I felt like I could see into them for miles and miles, yet nowhere in their bottomless depths could I see a contradiction to the word he'd spoken.
"Well, that changes things." I was surprised by how calm and reasonable my voice sounded. It must be because I was so numb. I couldn't realize what he was telling me.
It still didn't make any sense.
He looked away into the trees as he spoke again. "Of course, I'll always love you…in a way. But what happened the other night made me realize that it's time for a change. Because I'm… tired of pretending to be something I'm no, Bella. I am not human." He looked back, and the icy planes of his perfect face were not human. "I've let this go on much too long, and I'm sorry for that."
"Don't." My voice was just a whisper now; awareness was beginning to seep through me, trickling like acid through my veins. "Don't do this."
He just stared at me, and I could see from his eyes that my words were left far too late. He already had.
"You're not good for me, Bella."
How could I keep him?
How?
He turned the words around on me! He didn't love me.
I couldn't argue with his emotions, only my own. I never wanted complicate his life anyway, no matter how much his presence complicated mine, every moment of him was worth it. And how well I already knew that I wasn't good enough for him. The words coming for his mouth were shocking, but not unpredictable. The confirmation was just the way of life showing me how things eventually balanced themselves out. No matter how petty I was with my rules, not allowing him to buy me gifts, because I already knew how unbalanced the relationship was, demanding him not to dote upon me in any way, apart from his constant presence, it did nothing in the ultimate perspective of life.
Because of those six words, I let the best thing in my life go.
He knew when he whispered the words with his velvet voice that he had taken away any hope I had of trying to get him to stay.
'Such pain is this,
It shouldn't have to be experienced.
I'm still reeling from the loss.
Still a little bit delirious.
Yeah…'
I remembered how Jacob had indistinctively learnt not to say his name. This small act of kindness meant so much now. Who noticed something as insignificant as that? Who paid that much attention? I could feel the hole etch, as the thought of him took another stab at me. I pulled my hands around myself, an act of useless protection, as I always did.
To hold myself together.
I was broken, but I was trying my best not to be wasted.
For Charlie's sake. For Renee.
For Jacob.
Near to you,
I am healing,
But it's taking so long.
I moved my eyes away from Jake's rising chest, and to his hardened face.
I remembered it when it was round, and full of his childishness.
Though it was gone now, and only hints remained, it still brought me warmth to see his warm russet face, with the light from the moon dancing through the curtains. His kind, sleeping mouth, and tired eyes.
In so many ways Jacob had healed me since he left. But not completely. I was to be never completed. I had no idea how I would cope without his presence.
But I would never be restored to how I was.
He needed to realise that, I had come to acceptance with it now.
'Cause though he's gone,
And you are wonderful…
It's hard to move on.
Edward was never something I could move on from.
Ever.
I was a broken record, a fading voice, even a tragic smile. These cliché-sounding phrases summed me up perfectly. I was wasted. No matter how hard I tried.
But I was sure that no-one had felt as angry or sad–no, not sad, stronger than sad–at themselves for losing the prominent reason for life.
Without that reason, Jake had a chance, I'll admit, but a lonely chance at that. Not for love. I couldn't guarantee love. My heart was no-longer mine to give.
A flitter of a chance entered my mind: Maybe I could fake it?
I knew I was a terrible liar, but I could always learn. No, Jake was observant. I had already established that point. He would never fall for such a feeble trick.
All I knew was that I needed a reason to stay here, forever.
Well you and I
Have something different.
And I'm enjoying it…
Cautiously.
My relationship with Jacob was defiantly a different one mine with Edward. Our friendship lacked that extra essence of passion that would turn what we had into love. All I could feel from him was warmth. My own personal sun in an otherwise cruel, icy world. His face seemed so much more familiar to me than anyone else's did. I just felt so safe.
But then again, I'd been told so many times that my sense of safety shouldn't be trusted.
But maybe we could develop that comfortable, spark into a wild fire? Sure, there were risks, but if we went along long enough… and I would be happy enough. Jacob had already discussed his view on the matter fervently. He would not be distressed at the idea. I could engulf myself so much in him that my memories would at least dim…
But that would be like fixing an addiction with another addiction. I smiled at this notion. I remembered when he had once compared me as his own personal brand of heroine.
In the meadow… where I saw him truly for the first time.
The hole clawed at me; attacking once again at my wound, as a cold, salty tear finally dribbled down my cheek, and I gasped for breath.
As much as I was Edward's heroine in the physical sense once, he was a million times mine, in every way. He was perfection, was he not? How could I not become addicted to such an illegal substance? But I was sure that the withdrawal could kill me. It wasn't something that could be ignored if you held your breath and counted to ten. It was unreasonably addictive, and the thought of loosing any trace of the addiction was painful anyhow.
So how could I cope if the sun, the lights went out? How could I handle the same situation? I couldn't take him as eagerly as he wanted me, to find myself pushed far, far away when he realised the true consequences of his desires.
'I'm battle scarred.
I'm working oh-so-hard.
To get,
Back to who, I used to be.'
And regardless of my state, I knew that he's take me completely, right now if he had the chance.
But what if he realised how wrong he was as soon as I'd let him have me?
Questions bombarded my brain, as my chest felt more and more hollow, and my breathing came in wild gasps. I had to control myself so that he wouldn't worry about me.
I had to work to get this right.
I had to forget about my stupid, stupid act. It dawned on me that it could not have come at a worse time. How could I be so self-centred? If Harry died tonight, then how could I expect Charlie to handle my (seemingly) attempted suicide? I was only now so harshly aware of how inconvenient I was. How disgustingly idiotic I was, the flash of red, the storm, and the churning black waves below my as I dropped. My life was in danger in so many ways, if Jacob hadn't saved me, then I'd be dead from all of these things. Victoria was on the loose, I knew that. All I could think about was feeling the rush of Edward's velvet voice fill my ears.
I reminisced in the memory–the rush of the drop, where I had never been as fearful of my life as it dawned on me that the water below me meant death. But as I heard him, I wasn't afraid to die. I was willing. I had no reason to stay for my own benefit! Only Charlie's, only Renee's.
Only for Jacob. God knows my 'friends' really cared. And dying wasn't painful, the prospect at first seemed scary enough as I thought logically, but then his satin voice rang musically through my ears and I never thought logically around Edward.
'He's disappearing, fading,
Steadily.
And I'm so close to being yours,
Won't you stay with me?
Please?'
I closed my eyes, numbness surrounding me once more, as I pushed the perfect image of him into my mind once more. I didn't care how much it hurt. Nothing was pain compared to the pain of loosing the memory of him.
I didn't want his image, his velvet words to fade like an old video that had become distorted and pixellated over time. I knew it wasn't completely preventable, but the thought of purposely loosing it without an attempt to be stubborn was not only unlike me, but not bearable. I didn't know how I could live without his memory.
Even if it could be painless… maybe Jacob could replace that hole… if not, then he could reduce the swelling of the wound in my chest better than anyone that I knew.
Being around him was like being alive again. My life had lost meaning without Edward, and although it hadn't gained actual meaning yet, traces of it were showing, flickering before my eyes.
Why not grab it while I had the chance?
Why?
Why?
Because it felt wrong! He had said that I should try and forget him, try to move on, but how could I? His memory was tainted by the present, and the present could not be forgotten as easily as the past. It would be as though he never was… Liar! My mind shouted, anger protruding my tears further, and my cheeks burned as my tears became a soft comfort.
Near to you,
I am healing,
But it's taking so long.
My vision of the dark room became more distinct as a groan took me back into reality, and the thought of Jacob seeing me awake and so hysterical almost brought on more tears, as I stifled my sobs to listen to his muffled voice.
'No! Not–he's not worth…'
He groaned once more, and his heavy figure moved into a different position.
I gave out a shuddered breath, not for me this time, but for him. Obviously this was painful for him–not as much as it was for me, but painful nonetheless. And my pain wasn't meant to be shared, how little it was, it still burnt like acid, and I didn't want to blister Jacob's fingers.
Oh how I wish I'd never met him!
My own selfish reasoning was the large part of me that craved his presence, but how much easier it would be for him if he left me here to die!
Why did I surround myself with such caring people? I should've been more obnoxious, so that watching me fray and fall apart so destructively shouldn't have been so painful for them all. They deserved none of this pain that was for me.
And though he's gone
And you are wonderful,
It's hard to move on.
I began to sob harder, Jacob's consciousness drifting from my mind. The thought of him waking up seemed far, far way from now, as so many other important issues were brought up.
He sighed again, and turned back onto his other side as the breath was sucked from my chest.
Surely he was awake now?
I turned my face to the window, hoping that the breeze would dry my tears, too scared to wipe them away with my hand.
'Bella?'
I froze, staying perfectly still, trying to sort out the words in my head.
'Bells? Are you awake?'
'Yes?'
I watched his figure change, as he sat up, and looked at me with strange, concerned eyes in the darkness.
Yet, I'm better near to you,
I'm better near to you
'What's wrong?'
'Nothing.'
'Oh. Then why couldn't you sleep?'
'I–I'm just thinking.'
'A lot on your mind, hey?'
'Ah yeah, you know. Just thinking up a couple more extreme sports.'
I only know that I am
Better where you are
We both laughed at the tense atmosphere lifted a little, and I realised how easy it was to be myself around Jake. It wasn't fair. He didn't make things fair. But I knew he liked it this way.
I couldn't break his heart like this, breaking his was breaking my own, even if there was little left to break. Why not just give it to him already? He deserved whatever price he pulled for doing all this for me.
I only know that I am
Better where you are
'You gave me such a shock Bella.'
'I know I did. You didn't deserve it. I'm so, so sorry Jacob. I shouldn't have pulled a stunt like that.'
'What?'
Shock overcame his voice, as he stared at me, puzzled.
'You come back here, soaked to the bone after almost drowning because you jumped off of a cliff and you apologise?'
I had never thought that he would be this angry with me, but I did deserve it for doing this to him. He deserved more than a simple apology.
My voice came out softly, as I dared not to speak more than a whisper.
'Yes.'
'Bella. People don't do stuff like that on a day like that without a reason. I know something was up. You don't need to apologise.'
What the hell? God! All these people just turn around with smiling faces! Yell at me already, damn it! You know I deserve it!
I only know that I belong
Where you are.
'Tell me what's really on your mind.'
'I'm just… worried.'
I worded it carefully, trying not to provoke another unnecessary reaction out of him. The guilt crept up as my selfishness tore through me.
'He'll be alright you know. And Charlie and Billy will come back and laugh about it. And then you'll realise what a worrywart you are.'
He smiled through the darkness, and I felt his warmth radiate me. But his warmth did nothing to subside my guilt. My guilt for Charlie, for Harry… for Edward.
My eyes stung with tears again, as my emotions rolled over me.
Near to you, I am healing
But it's taking so long
'Awww Bells. Don't cry, love. Things are gonna be alright.'
He stretched his arm across, and found my hand; I bit my lip with anxiety as the Jake's naivety became so prominent, and sobbed harder, my voice coming close to hysterical shrieks.
'Jake,' I tried to catch a breath between my tears that were streaming down my face, 'this isn't about…'
He sighed, frustrated.
'I know what it's about Bella. I may not be as smart as him, but I'm not that stupid.'
Yes, there was the negative effect that I had on everybody again. I needed some sort of punishment. I cringed as the pain flooded back into my brain as I focused on thoughts away from the present. This pain was better than any self-inflicted injury could make.
'Bella. Don't think–'
He groaned with frustration, as the words came out wrong, and then his voice took a politer tone.
'Please, come here.'
He patted the small stretch of sofa that didn't contain the large chunk of his body.
Though he's gone
And you are wonderful
It's hard to move on.
'No Jake, I don't think that's wise…'
'Aww Bells, trust me. I'm not going to do anything, I promise…'
'But I–'
'You need some rest, and you look cold. Come over here. I've warmed it up.'
Near to you, I am healing
But it's taking so long.
I slowly got up. My body seemed to reject anything physical, but I absorbed the pain I needed as my legs protested beneath me. I steadily walked over to the sofa that Jake was on, and let my legs rest as I climbed onto it.
'There you go. Better?'
This warmth brought comfort, and weariness along with it.
'Mhmmm…'
He laughed his throaty laugh.
'I'd better go, they need me. I shouldn't have fallen asleep.'
'Cause though he's gone
And you are wonderful
It's hard to move on.
The sofa seemed to rise, as he began to stand up. The two sides of my brain collided with one another, but my selfishness took my voice first and spoke.
'No.'
'I can't–'
'They're killing you Jake. I can't let you be so tired just for me. Stay. Here. With me.'
He seemed to understand the double meaning of the words, and I felt the sofa groan under the added weight as he slowly fell back to it.
'Here?'
'Mhhhmm…'
Yet, I'm better near to you.
He moved his legs into a position that I was sure would make him cramped, as I shifted away to give him room, they stretched out over the edge. As I lay down beside him, I became aware that he still hadn't put on a shirt, and that I was lying next to an over-muscled child that was maybe getting the wrong impression, but maybe the wrong impression was the right impression. There was no rules tonight, no rules…
I hesitantly released everything, and let the comfortable warmth of his body and his warm, woodsy smell control everything. I felt his hot breath on my ear as his voice filled me.
'Thank-you.'
I tried to smile, but the guilt hit me as I pulled his arms around me, I fought it as he clutched me tighter. Because although I knew that although it was so wrong, it was so right for now.
'No Jacob, thankyou.'
I smiled, as another salty tear dribbled down my cheek and I fell into the dark hole of unconsciousness, sure that my darkest dreams would pry away from the wolf that had his protective arms around me.
Yet, I'm better near to you.
A/N: This time, I have nothing witty to say. Just please, for the sake of my and my writing, reveiw and tell me EXACTLY what you think