Give Peace a Chance

by Stefan Twoflower Gagne

Ryouga's older brother shows up in town, and unlike the rest of Ranma 1/2, he's a pacifist. Hijinks ensue.

Ranma 1/2 : Give Peace a Chance

A Ranma 1/2 FanFic by Stefan "Twoflower" Gagne

(All characters copyright Rumiko-san, obviously. If I ever
even considered claiming that these were my own characters
I'd probably be thrown into a small cell where I'd be forced
to eat my own pancreas to live.)

-=-

This is rather a lot like the 'Akane and Her Sisters'(tm viz
video all rights reserved touch our trademarks and you die a slow
agonizing death) plot, in that it deals with family conflicts
over who gets the dojo. For a change, though, it's not centering
on the Tendos, but on the Hibikis.

In advance, I apologize if I mung up any facts about
Ryouga's family. Most of the family information on characters
other than the Tendos is obscure to the point of being unfindable
(take for example Shampoo's father, who is in maybe five panels
of the entire manga series). I know about Ryouga's house and
dog, but had to make guesses about the father. As far as I know,
no siblings have been uncovered yet, so that shouldn't be a
problem.

Like all my Ranma stories, this one has more realistic
overtones, but it's far sillier than Juyza's Lyric. Sort of a
mix of the comedy in March of the Pigs and the character
relationships of JL. Works for me. I probably should have done
it in script format because of all the Tarintinoesque dialogue
runs, but I prefer story format, on the whole.

As usual, postscript will be available with character and
development information for those who dig that stuff. For now...

-=-

On the far side of Tokyo exists a house that has been owned
for generations and generations. Legally, it houses at least
fifty people. You can't FIT fifty people in there, but there are
at least fifty registered tenants in the house. Fortunately,
these two facts never conflict.

Although there are fifty members of the Hibiki family, at
any given point in time less than a dozen will be home.
Sometimes, the house is completely uninhabited for weeks, dust
gathering on the family shrines, the dojo, the cheap furniture
and cheaper futons. A British mathematics major at Cambridge
managed to coast his way into a high-end job by presenting a
formula, time-indexed, that showed exactly how may Hibikis would
be home at any given second. (He lost that job when people
realized that the Hibiki Equation didn't take into account the
family dog.)

Examine if you will two particular instances in the Hibiki
Equation. One takes us near present day, the other drags us
years into the past.

The latter totals up to three Hibikis present. You could
hear the sounds of anger and whooshes of limbs being pushed
through the air as one Hibiki, known as Ryouga, practiced in the
family dojo. His brother, Kosumo Hibiki, leaned against the
doorway, watching the younger sibling attack a strange dummy he
had made.

Ryouga dealt a menacing blow to the practice dummy, sending
it flying across the dojo. Its pigtailed form landed in a heap
at Kosumo's feet.

"Busy?" Kosumo asked.

"Preparing," Ryouga nodded, walking over to get the dummy.

"I have noticed this. You have been preparing for a month
now, only for the life of me, I cannot tell what for. What
happened to our bouts? I look back at a time where you used to
challenge me on a daily basis..."

"Just because you're the strongest fighter in the family
doesn't give YOU the right to flaunt that," Ryouga said, pointing
an accusing finger.

"I am not trying to flaunt," Kosumo insisted, backing off
slightly. "I am just wondering, why the sudden loss in interest
in your sibling rivalry? Have you given up your meaningless
grudge against me?"

"Postponed," Ryouga said, sticking the dummy back into its
peghole on the ground. "I've got a bigger fish to fry. See this
idiot?"

"That is a straw dummy, Ryouga-kun, not a person."

"This jerk has the AUDACITY to steal my lunch," Ryouga
snarled. "Day after day. He just LOVES showing off, swiping my
bread."

"I was wondering why you have been stealing snacks after
school day after day," Kosumo said. "So, you have decided to
concentrate on pounding him instead of me. This may make my life
easier, but it is still not healthy for you."

"You don't get it, do you?" Ryouga asked, leaning on the
dummy. "You're the one Mom and Dad always brag about as being
the best warrior the Hibiki family has ever produced. Me, I'm
just number two. No points for number two. You just love to rub
that in!"

"I do? Since when?"

"You know... since... always!"

Kosumo shook his head and sighed. "Sorry you feel that way,
brother, but who am I to dictate how you run your life? Shift
your anger from me to this pigtailed monster of yours, I suppose
it does not matter. I just hope you learn to lose that anger one
of these days before it gets you killed."

With that, Kosumo calmly walked upstairs, ignoring Ryouga's
fuming and grimacing.

Humph. What did HE know of suffering?! Ryouga thought.
I'll deal with him later. For now...

"RANMA SAOTOME!" Ryouga called to the winds, pounding on the
dummy one last time. "Today is the day I shall break you!"

Ryouga ran out of the dojo at top speed, grabbing his
umbrella and pack on the way out the door.

*

"How's the training coming, son?" the elder Hibiki asked,
from behind a wall of newspaper. "I heard you down in the dojo.
Sounded like you were quite busy!"

"Oh, that was not me, father," Kosumo said, plopping down at
the dining room table and seeking out the nearest snack bowl.
"Just Ryouga-kun. Looks like he's having a conflict with a
schoolmate. Off to try and prove his worth again, I guess."

"He has quite an image to live up to," the father nodded,
face still obscured. "Having an older brother of such talent!"

"So I am a capable fighter," Kosumo shrugged. "No need to
go on and on about it..."

"DIE, RANMA!!!" Ryouga screamed, tearing through the room
like a yellow and black cheetah. In less than a second he was
out the basement dojo door and through the front door, headed in
the wrong direction to the lot behind his house.

"There he goes," Kosumo said. "Hope he does well. Hope he
comes back sometime this year, for that matter. He is just like
his sister, too headstrong and determined he is in the right...
where is Iyanako, anyway?"

"She said she was off to her friend Akari's house."

"Training again," Kosumo mumbled to himself. "Well, hope
she makes it back safely. Hope Ryouga makes it back safely."

"Go after him, Kosumo."

"Eh?"

"You heard me, boy. I'd go myself, but I'm not done the
sports page, and I want a first hand account of how he fights
outside the dojo. Ryouga shows promise, but needs guidance and
observation. He gets too obsessed with his opponents."

"You sure, father? I mean, you know us Hibikis have a bit
of a guidance problem to begin with..."

"Stop perpetuating that rumor that our family has no
directional sense," the father warned. "It's a blatant lie."

"Hai, sir," Kosumo nodded, getting up. "I had better go
anyway. He might need backup, and I would not want the little
fool getting hurt. See you next month."

"I'll expect you back before dinner time, young man! Your
mother is preparing teriyaki eel."

"Hope she gets back from the store in time to cook it,"
Kosumo joked, grabbing his backpack and heading out.

Ryouga broke left when he ran out the door; Kosumo went
straight. The lot was to the right. If you check the Hibiki
Equation at that point, you'll get one member (not including the
dog), which is accurate and holds true up until the second point
in time.

*

Approximately two years pass. There the H.E. clocks two
members in the house, the second entering through the front door.

"YO! POP!" Kosumo screeched. "Home!"

"You're late for dinner," his father said.

"Man, you been sittin' there for two years!? That's gotta
be one interesting newspaper," Kosumo joked, bounding across the
room in a single leap and landing at the table. "How's kicks?"

"My kicks have not degraded any since our last sparring
match," the father said.

"Not my meaning, pop. Hey, old man, put the paper down!
Don't you wanna greet your oldest son face to face or something?"

Elder Hibiki did just that, and immediately wished he
hadn't. The assault of tacky, day glow colors was more than his
eyes could handle.

"Whoa! Pop! You stable?" Kosumo asked, leaning forward.
The father squinted, eyes trying to cope with the color wash.

"What did you do to your clothing, child?" he asked,
examining the strange tye-dye and fractal patterns on his shirt
and pants, complete with psychedelic bandanna to top the outfit
off.

"Dig the threads? Do not adjust your set," Kosumo said,
striking a pose. "Got 'em in America. A real steal, bartered
'em for three Dead CDs. That's where I've been, stateside, man,
it's a blast."

"You went to America?!" the father asked, gaping.

"Not originally. So, like, I was tagging after Ryouga and
kinda lost track of him, and I kept going looking for him, and
like a week later I was in this weird camp. These great guys,
you'd like 'em, dad, they're called Deadheads? Anyway, they took
me in and were cool about it."

"My god," Dad exclaimed, taking in this new information and
coming to the horrible realization... "They've turned my son
into a gaijin!!"

"Well, the techy term means one of foreign descent, which I
ain't, pop," Kosumo said. "Family name still be Hibiki."

"Kosumo, what is the meaning of your tone? And those
strange phrases... what language is this?"

"Japanese, pop, just with a bit of a spin. And it's
'Cosmo', not Kosumo. Man, what a trip I've taken. Toured with
the Dead for awhile, then switched to go see Pink Floyd... had
fun... whoo. I figured I oughtta come home though, seeing as how
it's been like two years or something. You got a calendar? Time
means nothing on the road. I think it's March, but I could be
completely in left field..."

"While you are under the Hibiki roof, young man, you will
ACT like one!" Father shouted, getting to his feet. "None of
this... slang! And you will destroy those horrible garments NOW.
If you were not this dojo's top martial artist, I would cast you
out to the streets for the dishonor you have brought upon
yourself!"

"Eh? Martial arts? Oh, I ditched that a long time ago,
pop."

"WHAT?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!!?"

"Whoa. Heavy. Think you can slap a few more punctuation
marks on that one, pop?"

"YOU... 'DITCHED' MARTIAL ARTS?"

"Weeeell..." Cosmo stated, propping his head up with a spare
hand while reaching for the snack bowl, "See, I got to thinking,
what good's it ever gotten me? Like, in the real world, people
don't solve problems by beating them up. Make love, man, not
conflict. War. Same thing. So I decided to concentrate on some
of the more important things in life."

"What could me more important than martial arts?!"

"Oh, I dunno, good cooking, conversation, gardening,
watching sunsets--"

"You have brought DISGRACE upon this house, Kosumo!" the
father ranted, pacing around the room.

"Cosmo, Dad. Cosmo. That's what everybody calls me."

The father held his face in his hands. Why? Why has fate
chosen to drop his boy, his most able fighter, into the hands of
a bunch of brainwashing gaijin? What sins had he committed to
warrant such a shame upon this noble dojo?

Or could this be a test? Was there hope for him?

"I have decided," Mr. Hibiki intoned. Cosmo sat back,
listening. "You, KOSUMO, must go visit your brother Ryouga and
he will re-train you to be the noble warrior you once were. You
may not set foot in this house again until you are once again
able to defeat your brother in combat!"

"Bummer," Cosmo said.

"Yes. BUMMER."

"Don't think so, Dad," Cosmo said, getting up. "Look, I
know you must be like broken up since I decided not to walk in
your footsteps, but man, that's just not me anymore. I'm a
pacifist. Can't you get Sis to handle the fighting? Or Ryouga,
even. He was pretty cool even back then at busting heads.
Someone else can carry on the name."

"Your sister is not a fighter," father said. "As for
Ryouga... well... he has changed since last you saw him. Some
new obsession is tying him to this backward suburb of Tokyo
called Nerima. The Hibiki dojo requires a strong man and a
proven fighter to carry it on, which has ALWAYS been your
destiny. This strange mental disease you have gotten can be
conquered. Go to your brother. Train. Do it for your father."

"I guess I could stop by and see how the l'il rugrat is
doing," Cosmo mused. "Oh, alright. I'll do it. But I dunno
about this training deal. I'll ponder it a spot, howzzat?"

"I trust you shall see the light, Kosumo," father nodded.

"That's COSMO."

*

Cosmo skipped along Tokyo's sidewalks, careful not to step
on any cracks.

"Yeesh, Daddo really flew off the handle there," he
commented aloud. "Wasn't expecting THAT. Hate to like see him
royally ticked because I don't break arms anymore, but it's just
gotta be. Right, Floyd?"

There was a slight scrabbling sound in Cosmo's backpack. A
fluffy ear popped out of the loosely buckled cover, followed by
the rest of the head. The yellow bunny twitched its nose at
Cosmo from behind his head.

"I wouldn't mind seeing Ryouga again, though," Cosmo said,
continuing his brisk pace. "Wonder how his fight went with that
pig-tailed guy. Hope he didn't kill him. That would suck
majorly."

The rabbit wuffled in agreement.

"Wonder if anybody's looking at me funny, talking to a
rabbit," Cosmo said. "Hey, they are. Mister! Don't worry! I'm
just talking to the rabbit, I'm not crazy or anything! Oh, he's
running away. Foo."

Cosmo considered this a few times, spun the idea around in
his head, and once it passed through his remaining brain cells,
dropped it like a hot potato.

"Kinda weird talking to a rabbit though," Cosmo said. "I
mean hey, I read somewhere that rabbits only have one memory
register or something. In one ear and out the other, huh?"

The rabbit narrowed its eyes at him angrily.

"Okay, okay, sheesh, didn't mean to insult you," Cosmo
protested, catching the dirty look in the corner of his eye. "I
knew you were one smart bunny when I found you in that stadium.
Kept me company through the rest of the Pink Floyd tour, gotta
'preciate that. Want a carrot when we get to Nerima?"

The rabbit nodded, and slipped back into Cosmo's pack for a
quick nap.

"Shame Sunshine isn't here," Cosmo grinned. "She likes
carrots too. Probably would feed you a few... ah... ACHOO!"

Cosmo jumped a full inch with the shock of the sneeze,
startled by the impact. The rabbit in his pack bounced around,
thumping against the thick padding and wuffling in an annoyed
manner.

"Sorry," Cosmo apologized to his pet, wiping his nose on his
sleeve. "Man, that was a killer snotblast. You know, if I was
superstitious, I could interpret that as someone thinking about
me. Good thing I'm superstitious."

*

P-Chan grrrred in his sleep, snuggled up in Akane's arms.
Akane noticed, and looked down at the snoozing pig. Must be
having a nightmare, she supposed.

She continued petting her pig, waiting for magic hour to
roll around. Ranma wouldn't be able to escape her food THIS
night; she quietly cooked up and substituted some of her own
cuisine for Kasumi's while the elder sister was out at the store.

Nobody knew, in fact. They'd know at dinnertime, of course,
when they'd be happily eating her meal. THEN she could drop the
bomb and tell them she made it. How surprised they'd be!

See, Akane had a theory; the only reason her cooking was bad
is because people expected it was bad. If they KNEW she cooked
something, the brain would send Bad Taste messages to the tongue.
Under the guise of someone else's food, however, she could prove
that she COULD cook after all!

As long as nobody notices the mess she made in the kitchen.

"I'm back!" Kasumi announced, wandering in through the front
door. "Dinner should be done cooking in five minutes."

"Can't wait!" Akane cheered.

"You seem quite happy today," Kasumi noted, pulling off her
coat. "Something up?"

"I'll tell you about it later," Akane smiled. This was it!
She'd be vindicated of her label of Lousy Cook before the night
was over.

"Bwee?" P-Chan emitted, eyes slowly opening.

"Awake just in time for dinner, P-Chan," Akane told him,
scratching him behind the ears. "Should be pretty good!"

*

"WATER! WATER!" Ranma screamed, running around the dinner
table, face cycling through all the colors of the rainbow.

Nabiki regarded him with amusement, picking through the
parts of her meal that weren't Akane-tainted. "Ranma, if had
been a bit more observant, you would have noticed the weird
discolorations on those noodles. Oh well." With that, she
passed him a glass of water, without the glass.

"GLORP!" Ranma gurgled, hit by the impact of the water. She
shook her head dry, annoyed. "That wasn't funny!"

"Hey, you wanted water," Nabiki smiled.

"Strange behavior for Kasumi's noodles," Soun noted, poking
at the strange purple-spotted strands. "Akane, could you have
cooked this?"

"No, I didn't cook it!" Akane protested. "Really! Kasumi
did the whole meal. Umm, but is it really that bad?"

"Everything but the noodles is fine. Kasumi, did you
accidentally use sugar instead of salt again?" Nabiki asked.

"I followed the recipe to the letter," Kasumi said. "I
wonder how I went wrong... Something wrong, Akane?"

"Hmm? No... just a little disappointed," Akane said,
hugging P-Chan a little tighter out of dismay.

KNCOKNOCKNOCNKCN COKCCONNKCNCONCKNOCKK. The bang of hand on
wood echoed from the front door, reverberating nicely off the
silverware.

"Oh my. Who could that be?" Kasumi asked.

"I'll get it," Ranma said, finishing up wringing out her
shirt. "Be right back."

Akane noticed the suspicious glare from Ranma, but ignored
it and continued eating her food. Not the noodles, however.

*

Ranma swung the door open.

"Ryouga?!" she gaped.

"Sorry! You don't win the Daily Double. We have some nice
parting gifts for you, however," Cosmo mocked, flashing a poor-
dental-work grin.

"Excuse me?" Ranma pardoned, confused.

"You were pretty close, actually, dudette... I'm looking for
my younger bro, Ryouga. The little upstart around?"

"Wait. You're Ryouga's BROTHER?" Ranma asked, an evil grin
crawling over her face.

"You noticed the family resemblance, yeah. Anyway, I was
just wandering through town looking for him, and some of the
locals say they've spotted him around this dojo occasionally...
he holing up here?"

"Maaaybe," Ranma said. "Here, follow me. Let's ask."

"Gotcha," Cosmo nodded. "Lead the way."

*

"Hey everybody!" Ranma called from around the corner.
"We've got a visitor!"

"Hey, gang," Cosmo waved, peeking in from around the corner.

Ranma watched P-Chan's reaction with amused interest. The
pig's eyes flew open as if he was looking at a ghost. Possibly
worse than a ghost; maybe a third class demon with all the
trimmings. P-Chan growled, then leapt from Akane's arm, making a
beeline for the boy, jaws open.

"Whoa!" Cosmo yelped, and snatched the pig from mid-air.
"Easy there, furry thing."

"Apparently, this boy is Ryouga's brother," Ranma explained.
"Says he followed a trail here. Anybody here seen Ryouga?"

The Tendo family collectively shook its heads.

"Hmmm. I guess the jerk wandered off again. Bad sense of
direction, that RyougOOOWWWW!"

Ranma waved her arm around, trying to shake the tiny piglet
off. P-Chan tightened his bite-clamp on her hand. Ranma-chan
ran around the room, smashing the pig against any solid surface
she could in an effort to knock it off. "Get off, you annoying
little--"

WHAM. Down came the table, food and all, driving Ranma
through the floorboards.

"QUIT PICKING ON P-CHAN!!" Akane demanded posthumously.
Ranma mumbled something incoherent, blocked by the tonnage of the
table and a lot of spilled food.

"Umm... have I, like, come at a bad time or something?"
Cosmo asked, frozen in spot out of fear.

Nobody noticed P-Chan crawl out from under the table
wreckage and dart upstairs.

*

HIM?! NOW?!

Ryouga finished spraying himself down with the handheld
shower. Of all the people to show up, it had to be Kosumo.
Probably just waiting to rub my nose in my failure to pound Ranma
so far. Ryouga wouldn't put it past the baka.

Whatever Kosumo was here for, hopefully he'd be done with it
soon and go away. The last thing Ryouga needed hanging around
while he was busy pounding Ranma and/or pursuing Akane was
another Hibiki.

Somehow, though, he seemed different. Ryouga considered
this while pulling on his clothing (carefully stashed under a
loose bathroom tile and floorboard, since he had taken up
temporary residency in the house as a pig). What was with his
outlandish outfit? Plus he was talking funny...

Whatever. He could be dealt with quickly, before it was
time to go to bed with Akane. Ryouga crept out of the bathroom,
slipped into Ranma's room and out the window.

After all, it would look awfully weird for him to come in
from the bathroom.

*

"Sorry I inadvertently caused the destruction of your grub,"
Cosmo apologies.

"It's alright, the noodles weren't that good anyway," Nabiki
said, helping Kasumi pick up the remains of the food from the
floor.

"Would you quit going on about the noodles, Nabiki?" Akane
requested, putting the table back into place. "Okay, so I cooked
them. I was just testing a theory."

"Ah, scientific method," Cosmo nodded. "Pretty cool
reasoning. Gotta test the bounds of what we know and don't know,
ya know?"

"It COULD have worked if I hadn't accidentally dumped food
dye in the mix. I'm such a bad cook," Akane grumped.

"I know a thing or two about burning protein supplements,"
Cosmo said. "If you want, I could show you how to cook. Or at
least not cook as badly. I'll be in town for awhile."

"Err... thanks for the offer, mister..."

"Call me Cosmo. Or Cos. Or just C. Your pick," Cosmo
suggested. "Err, shouldn't someone be attending to the girl you
whanged through the floor like a cheap railroad spike? Nice
follow-through on the swing, by the way. Sign of a master."

*KNOCK*.

"More visitors?" Kasumi asked, looking up from her cleaning.
"My, the house is popular tonight."

"I'll get it," Akane said, getting up from her seat. Cosmo
followed her, tailing along like he was glued to her (albeit
glued three or four feet away).

Ryouga opened the door of his own accord, grabbed his
brother, and pulled him outside. He shut the door just as fast
as he had opened it.

"Hello," Akane said, after the fact. Weird.

*

"Alright, what're YOU doing here?" Ryouga asked, pulling
Cosmo aside.

"Gee, glad to see you too, bro," Cosmo added sarcastically.
"Whad'ya pull me out of there for? It was just getting
interesting."

"What happened to you, anyway?" Ryouga asked. "You look
like you got into a fight with a paint store and lost."

"Long story. Where you staying? Let's get home, I'm gonna
be in town for a few days."

"I'm staying here disguised as Akane's pet pig," Ryouga
didn't say.

"Nowhere in particular," Ryouga said. "Camping out here and
there."

"Ah. Road life," Cosmo said. "Lord knows I'm like THIS
with that. Glad to see you, man! Missed you on those two years
I spent in the boonies. What's new? Whack that pigtailed guy
yet? By the day, Dad says if you don't train me to like martial
arts again the family will experience dishonor or something like
that. Who's that girl back in the house with the short blue-
black hair?"

"Wait. Back up a sentence," Ryouga said. "Dishonor?
What's this about liking martial arts?"

"Long version or short version?"

"Long would work," Ryouga said. "Come on, I'm guessing you
haven't eaten yet. Let's go to a local restaurant and catch up."

"You're being rather hospitable to someone you wanted to
tear limb from limb twenty five months ago," Cosmo noted
suspiciously.

"I'm hospitable only as long as it suits me," Ryouga warned.
"Once you get what you came for, I want you OUT of my life.
Clear?"

"Harsh. Okay, I can deal. Make sure this restaurant you're
picking has carrots, by the way."

*

"Anyway, I got lost looking for you, which I was kinda
expecting given the Hibiki Get Lost Real Quick Power. I wasn't
expecting to end up on the wrong side of the Pacific, however.
Go fig, eh? Can't even remember crossing a large body of water.

"I wander up to this huge group of people, dressed kinda
like I am now. Deadheads, they're called, although some of them
hated the term. They greet me and welcome me to their tour
group. I have a few brownies. Things start getting fun. Maybe
a little too fun, but hey, fun is fun and it was a pretty alien
concept to me at the time.

"I hung with them for a few months, on a concert tour with
this really wildly amazing band, you gotta hear 'em. Strange
days those were, but fun; man, I didn't know fun like this
existed outta Tokyo! I think they had stuff in their food,
though, because things were a TOO strange sometimes. One nice
side effect was that I could suddenly find my way to places
without getting lost, so it couldn't have been all bad."

Cosmo paused in his narration, slurping up some noodles.
After chewing and making sure Floyd was munching his carrot
happily, he asked, "Ryouga, mind if I do a bridging comparison?"

"A what?"

"You know that girl back at the dojo? Akane, I think?"
Cosmo asked. "I met this girl who looks a LOT like her. They
could be twins, if it wasn't for this girl's blonde hair. Said
her name was Sunshine. Anyway, I split off from the tour group
as mentioned and started tagging with her. Apparently she won a
megahuge pot in a lottery and was spending it on the concert
circuit.

"She like opened my eyes even more, man. I saw that martial
arts was okay and all, but most of my family had an obsession
with it that bordered on lunacy. I don't knock it, it's cool and
all, but I couldn't DO much with it constructively. There were
just so many other ways to get a means to an end other than
splitting heads and hurting people. So I dropped it, stopped
fighting, became a pacifist."

"A *pacifist*?" Ryouga asked. "There hasn't been a pacifist
in the Hibiki family for hundreds of years!"

"But there was ONE. So, hey, I figger it's possible.
Anyway, this girl, she took me on the Pink Floyd tour for a few
months, which I thought was kinda cooler than the Dead tour. One
concert, I head off for refreshments at the sideshow, and she's
not there when I come back. Bummer. Found this keen rabbit,
thou, and named him Floyd to commemorate the occasion."

Cosmo reached out and petted Floyd who seemed to appreciate
it. "So I tour for a little more, but it just ain't the same. I
figure, this blows, I oughtta head home and see how it's goin'
there. I show, Dad blows his stack and says I can't come back
'til I'm honored or something to that extent."

"I can't believe you gave up martial arts," Ryouga said.
"Kosumo--"

"Cosmo, Ryouga, it's Cosmo now. Sunshine gave me that
name."

"Okay, COSMO, you were the best in the family. Strong,
agile, ABLE. Dad had you pegged as the one to carry on the dojo!
Why do you want to give that up?"

"I saw the light, bro!" Cosmo said. "Dojos are only
designed to be carried on, but I didn't really wanna carry it.
I'm sick of hurting people. So I dropped the concept. End of
story. Life's been good to me since."

"If you have no plans of training, why'd you come here?"

"To visit!" Cosmo beamed. "Ryouga, man, you can be a total
knob at times, but yer cool and still my bro. You may have been
madder'nell at me, but it wasn't like a two way door... you still
wanna kick my ass? You can if you wanna, I don't fight back
anymore."

"I can't fight a weakling! It's dishonorable!" Ryouga
protested. "Does this mean I'M number one in the family now?"

"Unless Sis pumped some major iron since we last met, yeah,"
Cosmo said, realizing he might be correct. "But Dad doesn't want
you to carry on the dojo."

"Why?"

"Dunno, he wasn't real clear about it. He doesn't want Sis
to handle it either, for the typical reasons. `Oh, she's not a
fiey-ter! She's just a harmless little girl.' In the end, he
wants me, so I guess he'll be carry-less."

Ryouga considered this, musing over his half-empty bowl of
ramen. The strange rabbit cocked his head at Ryouga quizzically,
as if it was wondering what the younger Hibiki's response would
be.

"Cosmo, I don't have a choice in the matter and neither do
you," Ryouga said. "I may be at the top now, but you're the one
Dad prefers. I'm not going to let the dojo go without an heir.
Like it or not, I'm going to train you. Train you until you're
back to your former glory!"

"Aw, man, don't be such a stick in the mud," Cosmo whined.
"You're just like Dad and little sister. Traditional beyond
comprehension. Alright, if you're so keen on making me a killing
machine again, you can TRY. I'll put up with it on one
condition."

"Which is?" Ryouga asked, grabbing his beverage.

"Introduce me to that Akane girl. She's froody."

The rabbit ducked Ryouga's spittake. "WHAT?!" he asked,
slamming the glass down. The table dented. Both Ryouga and
Floyd cast confused, enraged stares at the older Hibiki.

"Dude, she looks just like that girl I met on tour. Acts
like her a bit, too. She's cool. I didn't get much of a chance
to talk to her thou... can you like get me over there for cookies
and tea or something?"

"AKANE? You have a thing for... AKANE?"

"Hey, man, don't jam syllables in my mouth. I didn't say
thing. Thing is a very loaded word. Just wanna talk, yaknow?
She seems cool enough, but I don't wanna be ultraforward. You
know her, right?"

"Yes," Ryouga said through clenched teeth.

"Great! We can stop by tomorrow. For now, shuteye. Gotta
get my full eleven hours or I'll be no good tomorrow. Where're
you camping out?"

"Ummm..." Ryouga said. "I'm kinda between campsites."

"I'll have to get us a new one then... got this great
collapsible nylon tent salvaged from Woodstock 2. I'll pitch
that somewhere nice and we'll use it. Beats the snarf out of
your basic cooking fire 'n sleeping bag combo," Cosmo said,
finishing up his dinner. "All set to roll. Where you wanna
stick station?"

"Huh?"

"Camp out, Ryouga. Man, you're so unhip it's a wonder you
can walk without crutch-type assistance."

"There's a vacant lot a short distance from the Tendo dojo,"
Ryouga said. "That should do."

"And give me a quicker route to Akane's bedroom," Ryouga
failed to add.

"Okay, cool. You gonna be able to find your way there? I
mean, strange chemical combinations have knocked me back on
track, but you're still lost city..."

"Don't worry, I'll be okay," Ryouga said. "You go ahead,
I've got to cover the bill."

Cosmo nodded, and wandered out of the restaurant, whistling
a slightly broken yet unrecognizable tune. Ryouga exhaled
finally. He had an excuse now; he could splash himself and go
with Akane for the night, and show up at the lot the next day
claiming to have gotten lost.

"Wuffle?" Floyd wuffled curiously at Ryouga's blissful
expression.

"He forgot his rabbit?" Ryouga asked aloud. "Great. Umm.
Mister Rabbit, can you find your way there? I've got...
important matters to attend to."

The rabbit examined Ryouga suspiciously. After a few
moments of consideration, it gave an oddly human shrug of
acceptance, and hopped off the table, padding off on its rear
legs for the door.

*

Akane yawned, doing a few last minute stretches before
climbing into bed. Something seemed missing, though... cat
pajamas, check. Bed, check. Bath taken, check. P-Chan...

"Bwee?" P-Chan inquired, poking his head through the door
crack.

"P-Chan!" Akane smiled. "There you are. I haven't seen you
since dinner! Come on in."

P-Chan gleefully skipped across the room, bouncing up onto
Akane's bed. Akane hit the light switch, climbed under the
covers, and dozed off.

Two fluffy ears peeked in from the window. Floyd the Rabbit
scrabbled up to the window ledge, face pressed against the glass
and wheezing from the effort of the climb. He peeked in, looking
for something. A girl and a pig, but no Ryouga. Floyd could
have sworn the weird human went into THIS house...

The rabbit started climbing back down, giving up on finding
Ryouga at this hour. Floyd had other priorities. Once safely on
the grass, Floyd began hopping his was towards and over the
fence, into the vacant lot.

*

This is NOT a proper campsite, Ryouga thought.

The tent was too garish, a bright Marine Rescue Equipment
Orange with stripes in shocking yellow. Inside was a variety of
things including but not limited to : toothbrush, basin, clock
radio, CD player, travel rack of music, portable television, a
deck of cards, a coffee pot, a toaster oven and a bundle of half
eaten carrots, complete with napping bunny snoozing next to them.

The only traditional campsite element Ryouga could recognize
was the sleeping bag. Too puffy for a proper sleeping bag,
however. Much too comfortable.

"Up and at 'em, Kosumo!" Ryouga called, prodding his
brother's sleeping bag with an umbrella poke.

"Wah?" Cosmo murfled, twisting around in his sack. "Noon
already?"

"No, it's nine AM. Get up."

"Nine?! It's the middle of the night! Man, I'm no good if
I don't get my full eleven hours. Wake me around lunchtime."

"You've gotten soft over these last two years," Ryouga
commented. "A TRUE martial artist gets up at the crack of dawn."

"I'm not a true martial artist, remember? And what're you
doing up at not-crack of dawn by that rule?"

"I was up since six," Ryouga lied, who had just gotten up
minutes ago with Akane. "I figured I'd be lenient on you, seeing
as how this is your first day of training."

"Oh, yeah. Training. Almost forgot about that. Foo.
Okay, since there ain't no way I'm conking out again after this,
might as well get up. Want any coffee? Pastry?"

"No thanks."

"Carrots?" Cosmo suggested. "I think Floyd might part with
a few..."

"Wuffle!" Floyd protested, grabbing the carrots with both
front paws and pulling them away.

"Scratch that," Cosmo said, unzipping his sleeping bag.
"Okay. Training. What do we do first?"

*

Floyd the Cute and Fluffy Bunny sat there munching carrots,
watching the two brothers in amusement.

Ryouga was sweating vigorously, chest heaving as he adopted
an attack pose. Cosmo stood there, maybe ten feet away, standing
straight and tall. Unconcerned. Bored.

"What's WRONG with you, Kosumo?" Ryouga asked. "Quit
dodging my blows and fight back!"

"Once again : It's COSMO now, bud," Cosmo said. "And ALSO
once again : I don't fight anymore. Man, Ryouga, you're just as
dense as you were two years ago."

"SHUT UP!" Ryouga yelled, charging his brother, who
sidestepped to avoid the rushing punch. Ryouga skidded around in
a u-turn, kicking up dust.

"I think the one who needs training is you," Cosmo joked.
"You can't lay a finger on me."

"Only because you're being a coward and avoiding the beating
you deserve!" Ryouga yelled, sending a spinning kick towards
Cosmo's undefended head, which Cosmo easily ducked.

"See, that's the problem with us Hibikis. We seem to think
that we need to pound anything in our way," Cosmo said, neatly
avoiding blow after blow. "What's the sense (duck) in getting
into brawls (lean) if they don't (jump) prove anything (bend)
other than our (twist) own ability (spin) to hurt people?"

"Maybe... maybe I'm going about this the wrong way," Ryouga
panted, stumbling backwards. "You're clearly an expert in
defense. Let's see if you've forgotten how to punch. Lay one
across my jaw."

Cosmo laughed. "Forget it."

"Then punch me in the stomach."

"Never hit a man who's on an empty stomach. Dry retching.
Not cool."

"Then hit the tree! Hit anything!" Ryouga pleaded, annoyed.
"Come on, it's just a matter of curling up five fingers and
smacking them into something."

"What'd that tree ever do to me?" Cosmo asked. "If
anything, it provided some nice shade. Beats being baked alive
in your own tent. I oughtta hug it, not hit it."

"You don't understand what's at stake here," Ryouga said.
"You're the elder son, the one who's destined to teach others.
Dad wants YOU. Would you really want to dishonor our family that
badly?"

"Dad'll get over it and elect either you or little sis,"
Cosmo said. "No big shakes. What's the problem?"

"Dad doesn't WANT either of us. He wants you, like he
always has. Gosh, Kosumo's so talented! He's so powerful!
Ignore Ryouga, he's not skilled enough!" Ryouga complained.

"?" Cosmo asked, stopping short as Ryouga interrupted him.

"All my life I've had to play second fiddle to you!" Ryouga
continued. "I can't even escape you in Nerima! Now that I have
my only shot at being the pride of the family, I'm OBLIGATED to
put you back on the top of the heap!"

"Umm... Ryouga, dude, calm down here--"

"This is ALL YOUR FAULT!!" Ryouga accused, running forward
and neatly smashing his brother across the jaw. Cosmo, not
expecting the punch, spun around like a top and slammed face-
first into the dirt. Floyd looked up from his carrot in alarm,
bounding over to his owner's side.

"Err," Ryouga started, knocked to his senses by what he had
done. "Oh. Umm."

"I'm okay... I'm okay..." Cosmo insisted, weakly pulling
himself from the ground. "Wow. Oh waiter, catharsis please? I
can't believe you've been carrying around baggage like that,
Ryouga. Why didn't you tell me before instead of just trying to
beat the tar out of me or call me names?"

"Just... just because that's not how it's supposed to work,"
Ryouga said. "I mean, the reason for a heap is so you can climb
your way to the top of it... I thought if I defeated you, maybe
Dad would take me seriously for a change..."

"Look. Ryouga. If you want the silly number one slot, you
can have it," Cosmo said. "I give it to you wholeheartedly and
without regret or beatings. If Dad's got a problem with it I'll
talk it over with him. He's got to come to his senses after I
show my proof and realize that he doesn't exactly have a choice
in the matter. Besides, I was perfectly willing to let you
handle the burden of being family favorite two years ago."

"Huh?"

"You think it's fun, being the objet d'attentione at home?"
Cosmo laughed, spitting out some grass and beating dust out of
his clothing. "It ain't. Sucks badly. Always getting into
fights with people who want to challenge the dojo, always having
to prove yourself, always having to put up with parental fawning
and praise. I hoped folding on my training would get me OUT of
that situation, but Dad didn't get the piccy. You get it,
right?"

"You don't want to be the dojo's heir?"

"HE-LOO? Isn't that what I've been saying all day, night,
and like all of yesterday too?" Cosmo asked. "Exactly! Ryouga,
you take it. Have fun. I don't want any training, I don't want
the dojo, I don't want to be the family prize to show off to
other dojos. I was a pacifist from the start, never really LIKED
hurting people, but I did it anyway because Daddums seemed to
like expect it from me. Now that this mess is behind us, can we
please stop this farce you call training?"

Ryouga was speechless.

"I'll take that as a yes," Cosmo said. "Look, do what I do.
Sit down and have a good intraspective moment. Or is it
introspective? Either way, have one. I'll be making coffee in
the tent if you need me."

Floyd hopped off as Cosmo calmly unzipped the tent flap and
climbed inside. Ryouga simply stood there, still not sure what
to say, not even sure what to THINK.

All his life, his older brother had been some obstacle to
overcome, a rung to be climbed over... Ryouga had managed to
escape the family war by living in Nerima and embedding himself
in another conflict. Had his brother's surprise appearance
really brought all that mayhem back to the surface?

The answer was obviously yes. Now, it seemed, there was a
way out. Could it be that easy, though? Be the family pride
just with a snap of the fingers? Kosumo couldn't just RESIGN
from being a dojo heir... it was... stupid. Unthinkable. No
traditional dojo works like that.

Still...

It was unlikely that Cosmo would ever be suitable for, nor
desire that slot anymore...

And SOMEONE had to do it...

...so the job naturally fell on him.

"Intra/introspective over yet?" Cosmo asked, pushing the
tent flap aside with a coffee mug. "So whaddya think? You want
the slot so badly, you've got it. No problems, no worries. I'll
even help you explain it to Dad."

"It SOUNDS good," Ryouga said. "But... I'm not sure... it's
not the way these things are DONE, Kosumo."

"Cosmo."

"Yes, Cosmo," Ryouga corrected himself.

"But I'm tellin' ya, Ryouga, it's possible. Trust me on
this. I've got an edge."

"I SUPPOSE it might work..."

"Good!" Cosmo grinned. "Now that we're done with this
silliness, let's hit the town or something. I haven't seen much
of Nerima yet, and you DO owe me a certain favor."

"Favor?" Ryouga asked, confused.

"You know... whassername, Akane!" Cosmo egged on. "We made
a deal, I pretend to train, you introduce me to her proper-like.
Not gonna filch out, are ya, bro?"

*

Cosmo whistled a tuneless tune, skipping along the sidewalk
towards the dojo. Ryouga slumped alongside him, grumbling under
his breath.

"Vexin' ya, bro?" Cosmo asked.

"Japanese, Cosmo. Speak Japanese."

"I am, man. What I'm askin' is what's wrong? You're grumpy
side up today."

"Nothing," Ryouga said.

"Probably worried about Dad, huh?" Cosmo incorrectly
guessed. "Don't worry, man, I'll explain it to him. He caught
me off guard at first, that's all, I can still show the old man
reason."

"That's not it."

"Then what is it?"

"Why do you want to meet Akane so badly?" Ryouga asked.

"Call it a whim," Cosmo said. "Sure, I exchanged maybe five
lines of dialogue with her, but they were like meaningful or
something. She seems cool, and I'm up for a decent conversation.
At least more than one I could get with a rabbit. OW!"

Cosmo skipped a step or two and stumbled forward. "Floyd,
quit kicking. You're not that bad of a conversationalist, my
furry type friend, but wuffling doesn't rank in as the words of
scholars."

"Wuffle," a muffled wuffle spoke from deep inside Cosmo's
backpack.

"She's engaged, you know," Ryouga said. "Taken, spoken for,
so on. Way out of your reach. I wouldn't bother if I were you."

"Once again, in spades, I don't have a thing, I just wanna
chatter," Cosmo reminded. "Engaged, huh? Probably one of those
lame traditional parent-hookup deals neither affected party can
stand."

"Exactly," Ryouga grumbled. "She's engaged to this total
lout of a man called Ranma Saotome. The little jerk treats her
like dirt and flaunts TWO other fiancees to boot. Scum like him
are unworthy of Akane!"

"Ranma... Ranma... HEY!" Cosmo exclaimed, pausing in his
tracks. "That's the pigtailed weenie you were gonna destroy,
isn't it? How'd the fight go?"

"Shut up," Ryouga offered.

"Pound his rear into the dirt? You've always been good at
that."

"Shut up."

"Or did you just get lost and wander off to China or
something?" Cosmo joked.

"SHUT UP!!!" Ryouga pleasantly suggested, force of his words
whipping around Cosmo like gale force winds.

"okay," Cosmo said, in a weak voice. "Sorry, bro, just
kiddin', didn't mean to slap a nerve or anything. So she's stuck
in engagement hell, huh?"

"Yes. No!" Ryouga said, trying to decide what response
would be better. "She's a man hater anyway, and has too many
suitors to begin with. You better watch yourself around her.
Take my warning on that and leave her be."

"Hey, I've had my fair share of encounters with the opposite
gender," Cosmo mused. "This girl I met on the Dead tour, named
Sunshine, man, she was cool. Named me Cosmo since it was more
norm for the zone, you know? Anyway, we toured for awhile to
pool money and resources, kickin' back and philosophizing about
the better things in life. Things were cool."

"So where is she now?" Ryouga asked, trying to steer the
conversation away from Akane.

"I dunno," Cosmo shrugged. "On the Pink Floyd tour, I leave
for 'freshes. Grab some munchies and sodas. Bump into this
weird carnival sideshow guy selling water that turns you into
cats 'n pigs and things, he gives me the hard sell, I manage to
get away with my life and wallet. I go back to our seats,
Sunshine's gone. Never saw her again."

"That's too bad."

"Sucks, don't it? Fortunately, I found this rabbit nosing
through the trash after the show. Named him Floyd in honor of
the pink ones and he's kept me company on my trip. Maybe I
should have named him Sunshine for the one that got away, but it
ain't a proper boy name, even for a bunny."

"So you two had, as you put it, a 'thing'?"

"Heck no!" Cosmo said, in all truth and honesty. "Naw, she
was lukewarm to me. Good friend, travel buddy. Didn't really
show any signs of attraction or the like that I could see. OOF!
Floyd, quit kicking. Methinks the bunnymeister's on carrot
overdose or something. Umm, Ryouga?"

"What?"

"You of course realize that we've been walking in a nice
straight line in the total opposite direction from the dojo,
right?" Cosmo grinned evilly.

"It's this way," Ryouga insisted.

"Uh-huh. One nice thing 'bout the weird memory gaps on the
Dead tour is that I lost my lostness somewhere along the way,"
Cosmo said. "I think I'd better steer us for awhile, unless we
want to land in Budapest."

*

KNOCK.

"Could someone get the door?" Kasumi called from the
kitchen. "Ranma, please get the door. I'm busy making lunch."

"Alright," Ranma agreed, setting his Dragonball manga down
on the living room table. He wandered off to the front door,
opening it.

"Heya!" Cosmo greeted. "Ranma, isn't it? Greets. Cosmo
Hibiki. This is my bro Ryouga, who I assume you're already
deepdeep with."

"'Heya'," Ryouga said, in a tone one normally associates
with the word 'Soul-Crushing'. "I'm here to break you and ruin
your life, Saotome."

"And I'm here to thank you for housing me for a full three
minutes last night," Cosmo said. "I really 'preciated it."

"Well, for you," Ranma said, pointing to Cosmo, "Feel free
to stay for lunch. As for You, Ryouga, alright, let's make it
quick, meet you in the dojo in five minutes."

"I'll be there," Ryouga nodded, walking off in search of the
dojo.

"Okay, that'll keep him occupied for the next hour at
least," Ranma said. "In the meantime, come on in."

"Thankee," Cosmo said, tipping an imaginary hat.

"You don't seem as violent as your brother," Ranma
commented, closing the door behind him.

"I would say I'm a lover and not a fighter, but I'm not much
of either," Cosmo said. "I listen to tunes and philosophize.
I've decided to leave the business with death and mayhem to the
other Hibikis. I take it Ryouga's been hanging on you like a bad
habit?"

"For two years, yeah," Ranma nodded. "What is it with him,
anyway? He's so PERSISTENT."

"You think THAT'S persistent?" Cosmo laughed. "Meet my
sister Iyanako sometime. Now THAT'S persistence. Ah, the
stories I could tell. Say, where's Akane?"

"Huh? Oh, she's been looking for Ryouga around the house
all morning. Why?"

"What would Ryouga be doing here?" Cosmo asked, confused.

"You don't know?"

"I know the stars, I know the seas, I know three chords and
half a semester of algebra, but I don't know why Ryouga would be
hanging around your house," Cosmo said.

"Weird. I would have figured he'd tell a family member. Oh
well. Anyway, why do you want to know where Akane is?"

"Haven't thanked her properly for not providing me with
dinner last night," Cosmo said. "From what I've gleaned, that
was a positive boon for me. Just a friendly call to a friendly
person."

"Akane? Friendly?"

"Well, she seemed friendly to me. Can't say she was all
sunshine and roses to that poor redhaired girl she clocked with
the dining room table. Did you hear about that?"

"Err... in a way," Ranma said.

"Quite odd. Then again, the girl had it coming, acting like
a knob and smacking her pig around. Sheesh, cruelty to
animals... is that redhead a Tendo too?"

"Hey, I'll have you know that that 'pig' had it coming,"
Ranma accused. "He's been nothing but a source of trouble for me
in this house since he arrived. And that kawaiikune Akane just
doesn't get the picture..."

"What, you have a grievance against the other white meat
too?" Cosmo asked. "Umm. Hang on."

"What?" Ranma asked suspiciously, as Cosmo circled him like
a vulture examining its next meal.

"Pigtail on you two... same haircut, really..." Cosmo noted,
thinking hard. "AHA!"

"Eh?"

"Twins!" he concluded. "Wow. Good family resemblance."

"Twins, exactly!" Ranma nodded before the bucket of water
smacked into the back of his head. He stumbled forward, but not
forward enough to avoid the splash of the bucket's backspin.

"I heard that kawaiikune crack," Akane said, from the stairs
above Ranma. "Quit fooling around and help me find P-Chan!"

"Tomboy!" Ranma called back, making a face at Akane. Akane
humphed and disappeared back into the depths of the upstairs
floor.

"Err," Cosmo started, pointing an unsteady finger.

"What?" Ranma asked, turning her glance back to the visitor.
"Oh. Umm. That. Alright, I might as well explain... it's a
curse, kinda..."

"What happened to Ranma?"

"I AM Ranma, dolt," Ranma said. "Cold water turns me into a
girl, hot water back into a boy. Humph. Ancient Chinese secret,
huh..."

"Hey, I've seen stuff like that before!" Cosmo noted in
recognition. "Pink Floyd, the April 6th show. Some guy was
selling it outside in the stands. Jusenkyo water, right?"

"Someone was *SELLING* Jusenkyo water?"

"Yeah. Tried to get me to buy some too, but I wasn't in the
mood to turn into a cat or a duck or a rabbit or a pig. Or a
girl, which is what the little hentai was insisting on," Cosmo
said. "Funny stuff, though. So alternating temperature water
does it?"

"Every time," Ranma said, wringing out her ponytail. "Err,
is that a rabbit in your pack--"

"--or are you just happy to see me, etc. It is, actually...
Hey -- WHOA! Floyd, calm down!" Cosmo yelped, as the rabbit
wormed and squirmed his way out of the pack, upsetting Cosmo's
balance. Floyd landed on his back legs with a poof of air, and
bounded up the stairs at lightning speed.

"What's with him?" Cosmo asked. "If he's looking for a
carrot fix, the kitchen's THAT way."

"RANMA!!!" a voice from the dojo outside called. "ARE YOU
GOING TO FIGHT ME OR CHICKEN OUT AGAIN?!"

"Looks like he made it after all," Cosmo said.

"Don't worry, this won't take long," Ranma smirked, cracking
her knuckles. "Grab me a kettle from the kitchen, willya?"

*

Cosmo sat back against the wall of the dojo, watching the
two punch, parry, kick, dodge, jump and go through all the
textbook motions of the Fight.

"Whoo," Cosmo cheered halfheartedly. "Yoo hoo, Ryouga, if
you keep your backside open like that you're inviting mucho
badness."

"Shut up, you!" Ryouga called, just before being kicked in
the back by Ranma. The younger Hibiki staggered, grabbing at his
backside in pain.

"Told ya," Cosmo shrugged. He looked around the dojo for
something more interesting to watch, and found it. "Akane!
Greets. Me again."

"Oh, Ryouga's brother?" Akane asked, peeking into the dojo.
"I was just looking for P-Chan... have you seen a little black
piglet around here?"

"Depends, have you seen a little yellow bunny?" Cosmo asked.
"Plop down here, let's chat while these two wacky funsters try to
slay each other."

"Err... okay," Akane said, walking carefully along the side
of the dojo wall to sit next to Cosmo.

"How you two doing? Getting bored yet?" Cosmo called to the
combatants.

"Quit it with the color commentary, Cosmo!" Ryouga demanded.
"I'm busy here!"

"Boys," Cosmo mocked. "Anyway, thanks for housing me in my
commercial break of need, Akane. How're things with you?"

"Fine, I guess."

"I couldn't follow most of the rumble last night. S'what
was the cuisine chaos all about, anyway?"

"Just an experiment," Akane sighed. "Everybody says my
cooking is horrible, but I thought it might just be because of my
reputation... if they thought someone else cooked it, maybe it'd
be good."

"Interesting notion," Cosmo nodded. "Shame about the
failure. 'Course, deze things tend to go down... curses, like.
Example. Case in point. Ryouga has a directional curse."

"HEY!" Ryouga called, ducking one of Ranma's jump kicks.

"S'true!" Cosmo hollered back. "Anyway, I've got a boredom
curse and a family reputation curse, and I guess Ranma here has a
Ryouga curse and a water sex change curse. Frankly, I'd consider
myself lucky to only have a cooking curse like you do."

"Really?"

"Really. Way. I mean, any curse could be turned into a
weapon. Maybe you could cook stuff and force your enemies to eat
it."

"That's not funny," Akane hmphed, crossing her arms.

"Okay, okay, sorry. I withdraw it," Cosmo withdrew.

"I try, really," Akane said. "I've tried a lot of times to
get better at cooking. It just... never works."

"Tryin's the key. Shows you care enough," Cosmo said.

"One of these days I'll be good enough to make a meal that
doesn't incapacitate," Akane vowed. "Then you'll EAT YOUR WORDS
about my food, Ranma!"

"Nyah!" Ranma politely offered, missing the change to dodge
one of Ryouga's punches. Reeling back, he slipped into a
defensive posture.

"You two seem at odds," Cosmo said. "Ryouga said you were
engaged against yer will and all good taste. I take it Mr.
Pigtail is the groom to be?"

"Not if *I* have anything to say about it," Akane said.

"Tell me more," Cosmo egged on.

*

HOT WATER! How could the answer be so obvious, and I never
discovered it!?? Floyd thought angrily.

Floyd the Cute and Fluffy Bunny Poo hopped up and down
angrily on the bathroom tile. Why did faucets have to be so HIGH
UP? What about poor cursed animals that might NEED hot water?
The minute I'm back to normal, Floyd vowed, I'll have a word with
the fine people at Pfischer Pfaucets.

Still, to be trapped in the body of a rabbit and think you'd
be that way forever... ugh. It was horrifying. At least she
would be normal soon. At least she would be a she again. She
always was, but Cosmo, bless his soul, didn't want to embarrass
her and check, so he assumed Floyd the Rabbit was a male. Just a
male bunny and not his female traveling companion...

In a final leap of pure anger, Floyd cleared the edge of the
sink and was in. With a wuffle of triumph, the rabbit twisted
the hot water knob.

FWOOSH went the faucet, gushing out hot water and adding to
the Tendo's already astronomical water and heating bill. Floyd
could feel the change deep inside bunny muscles, pulling and
stretching...

Finally back to normal, for the first time in months, she
hopped off the sink edge and grabbed the nearest bathrobe. The
yellow one with cartoon cats on it.

Clothing. For a change, she'd need some proper clothing,
not just a fluffy tail and some mangy fur. She walked into the
hall, toweling off her blonde hair and rattling doorknobs.

"Akane?" Nabiki called, rounding the corner from the stairs
at the other end of the hall. "That's a new look for you, isn't
it? I never pegged you as a blonde."

"Huh?" Sunshine asked, turning to face the middle Tendo
sister. "Oh. Umm. Yeah. Do you like it?"

"Not really," Nabiki said. "Why're you trying to get into
Kasumi's room?"

"Oops," Sunshine said. "I think I've got water on the brain
or something... ummmm... which is my room?"

Nabiki slowly pointed to the door with an AKANE labelled
duck sign. "That one."

"Thanks. Thanks!" Sunshine thanked, twisting the knob and
diving inside.

*

"How is it that this Kunou guy can land after being knocked
into orbit and survive?" Cosmo asked, puzzled.

"Don't ask me. He always does. I wish he'd hit his head
and get amnesia, it'd make MY life easier," Akane joked in a not
entirely pleasant way.

"Go fig. Anyway, back to today's sports action. How's the
fight going, br... o."

Cosmo examined the battered, unconscious form of Ryouga with
amusement. Ranma was sitting nearby, continuing his manga where
he had left off.

"Over already?" Cosmo asked.

"It's been over for three minutes," Ranma noted, without
looking up. "Haven't you noticed?"

"Two busy mixing words 'n phrases, I suppose," Cosmo said.
"Well, Akane, I'd best be scooting. I think l'il bro's gonna be
needing medical type assistance or something. Thanks for the
conversation pit, hope to bump again soon."

"See you around," Akane smiled, waving bye-bye. Cosmo
grabbed Ryouga by an arm, and hefted the boy to his feet.
Ryouga's head wobbled around woozily. Cosmo turned to face
Ranma. "Does he tend to do this often?"

"All the time," Ranma nodded.

"Just as I thought. Well, until next mm/dd/yy," Cosmo
nodded back, dragging Ryouga out of the dojo and out of sight.

"He seemed friendly," Ranma said.

"Quite. He's from out of town, isn't he?" Akane asked.

"A little TOO friendly, if you ask me..."

"Huh?"

"Aw, come on, Akane, you saw the way he was... talking to
you," Ranma said, failing to find a more suggestive action to
mention. "Sounds to me like he likes you. And from YOUR tone,
sounds like that's mutual."

"Hmph. Baka," Akane insulted, turning away. "Just because
we were having a friendly conversation does NOT mean we're going
steady or anything. Or is it that you're JEALOUS?"

"What? Jealous of that bubbleheaded semi-gaijin?"

"Cosmo is NOT bubbleheaded!"

"Make sure he isn't around any pins, he might pop."

"Jerk!"

"Tomboy!"

Etc., etc., etc.

*

"UGH!" Cosmo groaned, heaving Ryouga along. He paused, back
to the stairs, and set his brother down. "Man, you been slammin'
into the ding dongs or something, my out cold bro? You weigh as
much as a forklift and require one to port around!"

"Oh, is the fight over already?" Kasumi asked, leaning out
of the kitchen door. "I had made the boys some lemonade to enjoy
while they were on break..."

Slow down time here to catch all the action; Sunshine,
dressed in one of Akane's outfits, coming down the stairs to
greet Cosmo in human form. Kasumi slipping on one of Ranma's
manga, left carelessly out. Cosmo, with back turned, only sees
the yellow smear of flying lemonade as Kasumi stumbles, lemonade
which impacts nicely on Sunshine.

"Whoa!" Kasumi yelped, regaining her footing. "Oh, foo. I
think I soaked your pet rabbit! At least the drink matches his
fur color..."

"Floyd my man!" Cosmo greeted, spinning around (and dropping
Ryouga in the process). "Got a carrot rush or something? I
think I have a few in my pack for ya..."

Floyd, sopping and dejected, drooped her ears low. Some
rabbits just didn't have any luck.

*

"I probably could have won if you hadn't kept interrupting
with your silly comments," Ryouga complained, rubbing his sore
head. Floyd consoled the battered brother by digging bandages
out of Cosmo's pack.

"What'd Ranma do to you, anyway? You're after him with a
zeal that rivals the one you had on my own person," Cosmo asked,
digging through his wallet. "Where's that bloody card, no anime
puns intended... ah!"

"What's that?" Ryouga asked.

"Free calling card I got at a 7-11 in Ohio," Cosmo said.
"Three hours free with every Big Gulp. Let's see if it zones
through the international barrier."

"Who're you calling?"

"Dad, of course."

"What?!"

"Well, SOMEONE'S gotta explain what we've decided regarding
the family heir," Cosmo shrugged, embedding the phone booth-
attached phone next to his neck. "Trust me, man, he'll see the
light. Ah, the card works! Boffo. Dial dial, ring ring,
HELLOOO Dad!"

Cosmo pulled the phone away to prevent ear damage as his dad
launched into a new tirade of yells and shouts about honor.

"It's Dad," Cosmo confirmed, and put the earpiece back.
"Yeah, Dad, Ryouga 'n I been talking a bit... I decided I'm gonna
step down from the hierarchy and let him be Numero Uno... yes,
dad, I CAN do that, see also ten spokes down on the family tree.
I've done my research. You'll find it's perfectly alright for
Hibikis to take sabbatical for the better part of eternity and
name a replacement... alright, I'll wait for you to look it up."

"There's a precedent?" Ryouga asked, applying a band-aid.

"Of course. I took the opportunity to go over the record
books before leaving home to come here," Cosmo said. "This frood
doesn't walk into hostile territory without some kinda defense
plan, you know. I just needed a lead even TRADITION! Daddy could
'preciate... ah. See? Right there in black 'n white, Dad.
Ryouga's my man with the plan and he'll be doing the heir
thing... NO, he is competent enough to handle it, Dad... just
because... let me finish, Da... Dad... YOO HOO... now can I
continue? Please?..."

Cosmo cupped the mouthpiece. "Dad is raising questions."

"Why does he think I'm incompetent?!" Ryouga asked, annoyed.
"I'll best him in two out of three falls if I have to!"

"No need to go tossing Daddy Dearest through walls, I think
I can solve this diplomatically... ah, he's winding down. Good.
Dad? You there? Okay. Now, what's this about Ryouga?... oh?
Hmm. I approve of this query. One sec."

Cosmo cupped the mouthpiece. "Dad wants to know why you're
hanging around Nerima and not coming home for dinner like you
promised."

"I have a score to settle with Ranma Saotome," Ryouga said.

"Anything beyond that?"

"Y... no," Ryouga said.

"Okay, he'll probably approve of that," Cosmo nodded, and
uncupped. "Okay, Dad, he's hunting down and destroying someone
who insulted the family honor. Ah, you approve. Thought so.
Alright, so is it settled?... umm... is that who I think it is in
the background? It is? For god's sake, Dad, don't mentio... oh
dear."

"What? What's wrong now?"

"Iyanako overheard the whole conversation," Cosmo said.
"This could be bad. Dad? I'm gonna go now, before the FBI gets
on my rear for putting 7-11 in the poorhouse. So you don't mind
that Ryouga's gonna take my place?... well, okay, you mind quite
a bit, but at least it's legal, no? There IS a historical
precedent, can't deny dat. Don't make me break into a rendition
from Fiddler on the Roof... okay, good. Good enough for now.
See how long you can stall sis and we'll get ready. Luv luv kiss
kiss, bye."

Cosmo hung the phone up with a clink, thus ending the
largest phone bill the good people at 7-11 incorporated will ever
receive. "Bad news, bro."

"Namely?"

"Little sis got wind," Cosmo said. "I think you're a
goner."

"Since when does Iyanako fight?" Ryouga asked. "If I
recall, she just played with dolls and stuff."

"That's the probby, nobody in the family really paid
attention to her martial arts wise," Cosmo said. "I was kinda...
well... training her in my spare time."

"You WHAT?!"

"Hey, she asked!" Cosmo said. "Said nobody else in the
family took her seriously. I didn't have much else to do other
than beat you off with a stick and show off for the other local
dojos to carry on the Hibiki name. Life is rather boring and yet
hectic at the top."

"So Iyanako's been training?" Ryouga asked. "Cosmo... how
good was she? At last check?"

"She could bench press farm equipment. Not pitchforks,
either, I'm talking the big Metallic Reaper of Death threshers
and combines," Cosmo said gravely. "You know, I may have some
money left on this card... we could ring Daddums up again and say
you've had second thoughts--"

"NO," Ryouga intoned, getting up despite his injuries. "I
want this, Cosmo. I've ALWAYS wanted it. If I have to trash
Iyanako to prove it, I will."

"Ryouga... I don't like the turn this is taking..."

"You don't have a say in it, hippy boy," Ryouga snarled,
breaking into a flat run for the opposite direction to the vacant
lot. "Bring her on! I'll train and beat her!"

"Hoo boy," Cosmo said, shaking his head at the retreating
form of his brother. "This could be quite bad. Come along,
Floyd. We've got to think up a plan that'll keep Ryouga-kun from
getting his brains bashed out."

*

In the dust-covered Hibiki household, an enraged spirit was
tossing whatever it could find into one of the family's patented
Road Trip Backpacks. Like a whirling red dervish, she scooped up
clothing, weapons, rations, and anything else in reach, jamming
it to the bottom of the sack like a supermarket bagging clerk
(fragile items on the bottom, please).

"Iyanako!" father Hibiki called from his morning paper.
"Where are you going?"

"Nerima," the girl replied tersely, grabbing her pink
parasol from the umbrella rack. "If that fool Ryouga thinks he's
going to snatch what's rightfully MINE, he's got a lot of nerve."

"Since when have you been a fighter?" Dad asked.

"Since always, FATHER," she replied, opening the parasol.
"And now I get to PROVE it!"

"Iyanako, please. There's no need to get yourself hurt
pretending to be a warrior," father insisted. "I don't like it
anymore than you do, but Ryouga is technically the dojo's heir
now. Although how that boy could support the dojo while being
stuck in Nerima, I don't know..."

"All the better, then. Once I defeat him, I can run the
dojo for you!"

"I've never seen you train! How can you expect to de--"

Iyanako grabbed the other Hibiki with a single arm, hefted
him over her head, and tossed him not so gently across the room.
He crashed into a rack of Franklin Mint collector's planes and
landed on the couch with a bounce.

"I'm the strongest one in the family!" Iyanako boasted.
"I've trained myself since Kosumo left, to be the most powerful
Hibiki there ever was. I'd call my work a success."

"No need... to throw a temper tantrum, young one," elder
Hibiki said, brushing Elvis bits off his kimono.

"You'll see, Dad," Iyanako vowed, pulling the door open
without bothering with that silly business of twisting the knob.
"When I come back with Ryouga's bandanna as proof of his defeat,
I'll be the rightful heir to this dojo!"

"Be back in time for dinner!!" Dad called after she slammed
the door shut. Such a stubborn girl, that Iyanako. And what was
this nonsense about being a warrior?

Probably just a phase, the father concluded, and turned back
to his sports section.

*

"Ryouga--"

WHAM!

"You can't go and--"

WHAM!

"Fight little sister like this--"

WHAM!

"It's not right--"

WHAM!!!

"And more than likely," Cosmo continued, ignoring the
splintered tree collapsing to the ground, "One or both of you are
gonna get crippled in the process. You should see her fight,
man. You can't block attacks like that, they land as hard as a
punch no matter what you do. Nothing like shattered bone
fragments in your arm to ruin a nice day, yaknow?"

"A challenge, eh?"

"Don't look at it that way!" Cosmo begged. "Look, sis has
always been looking for an opportunity to show that she means
business, and when she gets DOWN to business I don't want you at
ground zero. You're gonna be toast, bro!"

"Have some faith in your brother's ability. Iyanako may be
pushy--"

"That she is," Cosmo nodded. "Remember when we took her to
the toy store and ended up buying most of it to shut her up?"

"And she may be stubborn--"

"Recall whenever she had to take a bath. Mom practically
needed a crowbar and a team of six hardy lads to get her near
water. Strong, that girl."

"But she's not a fighter. I mean, she plays with dolls and
carries around a girly pink parasol," Ryouga laughed. "Hardly
the airs of a fighter."

"Where do you think she got the parasol idea, hmm?" Cosmo
asked, pointing to the red bamboo umbrella on Ryouga's pack.
"That sucker's razor sharp. I helped her make it."

"Are you trying to undermine me here, brother?"

"Hey, bud, if I KNEW she was gonna level the guns at another
Hibiki, I never woulda done it!" Cosmo said, waving his arms
around defensively. "I was young and foolish then, I feel old
and foolish now. Hey, you seen Floyd?"

"No, why?"

"The little furry dude missed his five o'clock feeding. I'm
worried he got lost, like Akane's pet pig."

"Trust me, the two don't have anything in common," Ryouga
said, looking for another solid object to hit. "It's just a
rabbit anyway, what's the big deal?"

"Hey, that rabbit got me through some tough times," Cosmo
said, sitting down next to his nylon tent. "When Sunshine
ditched me, I got ultralonely. Bunny hunny provided a nice
travel companion to fill that."

"I take it you miss her?" Ryouga asked, uprighting the tree
for a bit more punching practice.

"At times, yeah. Glad I've found another chatterperson in
Akane," Cosmo mused.

"Trust me, Cosmo, give it up. She's not your type."

"Hey, how do you know that? Anybody just tried sitting down
and talking with the dudette instead of fighting and/or fawning
over and/or proposing to her?" Cosmo asked. "You ever tried
talking to her?"

"Of course," Ryouga said.

"Well, then you ought to get it. Lots of people're
interesting beyond their fists, after all."

"You don't understand Nerima, Cosmo," Ryouga said. "It's
just like back home at the house, only on a wider area. It's not
brains that triumph here, it's brawn. Fighting is as common as
saying how do you do. If you want to get your way, if you want
to get what you want and win the favor of WHO you want, you do it
on the field of combat."

"This is good?" Cosmo asked.

"It's worked so far," Ryouga said. "I don't have time to
talk right now, brother. If I'm going to defend my newly
acquired title from Iyanako, I'm going to need to TRAIN."

"You're going to need an HMO too," Cosmo said. "Alright,
I'll go look for the bunny. You do that silly wacky punching
thing and have fun with it, y'hear?"

"This isn't for fun, this is for honor," Ryouga said,
slamming the tree with his right fist, causing it to fall over
again with a resounding CRASH. "Hmm. Perhaps I need another
tree."

*

Sunshine grumbled, finishing dressing in one of Akane's
outfits. How could Ranma live like this? Needing to find hot
water whenever it rained, or whenever a hydrant exploded, or
whenever anything below room temperature smacked you upside the
head?

She could worry about finding a cure later. For now, she
had more pressing worries. Notably... Cosmo.

Sunshine remembered back to her first day as a rabbit...
they had just launched the inflatable pig over the crowd, to
accompanying ooos and aahs and a few screams from people who were
hallucinating too badly.

"Not very convincing," Cosmo commented.

"Aw, it's okay," Sunshine insisted. This was her moment,
the time she was going to fess up and tell Cosmo her real
feelings... she had decided to do it after the pig came out, for
maximum effect or something. Now was the time.

"Cosmo, I--"

"Wonder how much PSI that sucker needs," Cosmo had wondered
aloud. "Hey, I'm gettin' a little aired out too. You want a
pink foamy beverage?"

"--eh?"

"Soda, dudette. Want a caffeine loaded, sugar enhanced,
sure to send you six feet under cup of death? I'm parched."

"Err, okay," Sunshine agreed, immediately regretting it.
She let a chance slip through her fingers... but she could just
tell him when he got back, couldn't she? And time it for a
perfect spittake for comedy effect! Yeah, this might work.

"BRB," Cosmo acronymed, climbing over the seats and patrons
to make his way to the aisle.

The band coasted off that song and launched into 'High
Hopes'. Sunshine sat through all eight minutes, wondering where
Cosmo went. He stopped losing his way shortly before they
switched concert tours, so he couldn't be LOST... could he?

Sunshine got up from her seat, smoothed out her flower print
dress, and picked her way through the crowd towards the beverage
stands. She never got there, though.

"Jusenkyo water, miss?" a short guy in a tacky suit asked.
Sunshine looked down.

"What's Jusenkyo water?"

"Miracle water! Turns you into anything you want, thirty
one flavors available. 'course, a cutie like you probably
doesn't need this stuff, eh?"

"No thanks," Sunshine said, pushing the imp aside. "I'm
busy looking for someone."

"Ah! You need Spring of Drowned Navigator!" the man
suggested, running around Sunshine to block her way again. "A
real steal at five dollars. Very utilitarian."

"No thanks."

"Missy, I'm running low on sales here," the man said. "Come
on, help out a passing tourist on his way back to Japan. Only
five bucks. Whaddya say?"

"If I pay you, will you go away?"

"My word is my bond!" the man said, flashing a boy scout
sign with a girl's panty draped over it. "Whoops, how'd that get
there? Five spot, please."

Sunshine fished the money out of her pocket and dropped the
crumpled bill in the man's tray. He in turn picked a bottle out
of his rack and splashed her with it.

"Oops!" he exclaimed. "Wrong bottle."

"Wuffle?" Sunshine wuffled, ears flopping around.

"Sorry, but hey, what'd you expect for five bucks, quality?
Gotta go! Wooo hooo!"

"WUFFLE!" she called, but the annoying little man was into
the crowd and out of sight. She hopped her way towards the
refreshment stands, uneasy on her new floppy feet, trying to cope
with a body that clearly wasn't her own...

COSMO!

There he was, in all his day-glo glory. Sunshine bounced
over to him, tugging at a tied-up pantleg.

"...no, you 'ficially said Jolt was only fiver. Anyway,
ain't it a rip to sell two dollar soda at five a gulp? What kind
of corporate vampire stooge-brain decided this?" Cosmo argued
with the proprietor.

"Wuffle!"

"Eh?" Cosmo sounded, looking down. "Hey, a bunny. You
lost, cotton tail dude?"

"WUFFLE!" (which translates to It's me you dolt, some moron
changed me into a rabbit)

"Concert ain't no place for a rabbit, furry friend. Well,
fear not, I've got plenty of room for a rabbit type dude in my
pack," Cosmo said, picking Sunshine up by the scruff of her neck.
"I'll find you some carrots or something. I think my roadie
budette Sunshine has a few... got a name?"

"Wuffle..."

"Okay, I'll name ya Floyd, in honor of the great band
playing yonder," Cosmo said. "Let's go absorb the rest of the
concert and find you some fresh greens or something."

And that, as they say, was that.

Now, though, she knew of a way to reverse the curse. A way
to finally hook up with Cosmo in human form! But...

Would he really be interested in seeing her again?

For all he knew, she ditched him back then, dropped like a
hot potato. Maybe he didn't want anything to do with her. He
WAS trying to interact with this Akane person so badly... who
looked just like her... is that a good or a bad sign?

She needed help. She was a stranger in a strange land,
surrounded by far stranger people. Luckily, her parents were
Japanese, and they made a point of forcing the language on her
way back when. Tongue barrier wouldn't be a problem... but who
to seek out? Who could she ask for guidance from?

"Akane? Did you dye your hair again?" Nabiki asked, peeking
into the bathroom. "And weren't you just downstairs?"

"Nabiki? Right?" Sunshine asked. "Look, I gotta talk to
you. Bad. You seem level headed enough compared to most of the
people in this house..."

"I pride myself on that. What's wrong?"

"First of all, my name's not Akane."

*

"...so essentially Big Bad Little Sis is coming to town and
I have a nasty feeling she's gonna put Ryouga in a box," Cosmo
finished.

"You're right, that is a sticky situation," Akane nodded.

"Well, what can I do?" Cosmo asked. "I mean, Ryouga's
stubborn, but Iyanako's worse. At least Ryouga got some
attention as being a fighter, Iyanako was cheerfully ignored as
just a nice girl who the family could dress up. She's almost the
definitive poster girl for all the bitterness and resentment of
Generation X."

"Generation what?"

"American term," Cosmo explained. "Be happy Japan hasn't
adopted it. Anyway, by my calculations, she's gonna show anytime
from two days from now to a week. That's not much time."

"Ryouga's a pretty good fighter himself, even if Ranma
always wins against him," Akane said. "He could do okay."

"Sis is scary, Akane. She can break rocks with her pinky.
Remember the small landslide at Mt. Fuji? On TV from a year
ago?"

"Uh huh?"

"Apparently she was on vacation with the family and Mom
wouldn't let her get a candy bar at the vending machines."

"Come on, you're exaggerating," Akane laughed.

"No joke!"

"Why're you so afraid of her? I'm sure she could listen to
reason. You're pretty convincing."

"I trained her myself, those years ago," Cosmo said. "She
was a pent up ball of terror then. I was amazed at how the girl
could channel her anger into her fighting! By two months into
training I had to stop sparring unless I wanted to get visible
injuries. She wasn't that skilled, mind you, but when you're
that insane and that strong a little skill goes a long way. I
hoped martial arts would make her wiser, but she just used it as
a tool to get what she wanted... ugh. I was a fool to think I
could do that. Kinda like Obi-wan and Darth Vader from Empire
Strikes Back. Ever see that flick? S'pretty good on the THX
remastered disc version."

"Can't say I have," Akane said.

"Rats. Now I can't explore the metaphor."

"Maybe she's gotten worse in the two years you've been gone.
She might not be good at fighting anymore."

"Unlikely. If anything, she's been training secretly,
honing on what SHE thinks is important. Kinda like a cruise
missile. You mung up the navigation computer and it can nuke
anything it wants. Uncontrolled."

"I'm sure you'll think of something before the fight
starts."

"I hope. I just wish my sibs would realize that power ain't
everything."

Cosmo leaned back against the wall, sipping Kasumi's
(freshly made) lemonade. "I'm glad you're sitting still to
listen to me rant here. Ryouga just tells me to bug off, Floyd
can't exactly talk back, and the only other person I know here
beyond two words is Ranma."

"Fat chance trying to carry on a conversation with RANMA,"
Akane sneered. "He'd just insult you after two minutes."

"You two don't get along much, do you? I thought you were
engaged."

"In name only," Akane warned. "Although... don't get me
wrong, Ranma isn't a total flaming screwball baka all the time,
but sometimes he just doesn't know when to keep his mouth shut."

"Tomboy!" Ranma called, hanging down from the ceiling and
making a face. Akane calmly pulled him from his clandestine
listening spot and slammed him into the ground.

"Eavesdropper!" Akane accused. "How rude! Sneaking up on
someone and listening in to a private conversation!"

"Hi, Ranma," Cosmo greeted, not sure what else to say.

"Don't give me that," Ranma demanded, peeling his face from
the floorboards. "Sheesh, Cosmo, you are so obvious."

"Como?" Cosmo asked, a bit confused.

"I mean, with you playing all Mr. Nice around Akane and
doing the sweet nothings in the ear routine. Can't stay away
from her for a minute, can you?"

"RANMA!" Akane accused.

"Come on, you see how he is around you," Ranma humphed.
"All smiles and kind words. He's been spending most of every day
here since he arrived. And from how you react to it, I could
swear you LIKE him."

"Ah, cripes, I see this coming," Cosmo said. "Alright, head
off at the pass time. Ranma, I'm not playing suitor here.
Akane's just a friend, man, calm it down a bit."

"Exactly," Akane nodded.

"Come on, he's just like Kunou, with his weird poetic
talking and praise," Ranma said. "I oughtta treat this hentai
just like I do him, too!"

Cosmo yelped, ducking a punch which went through the wall he
was sitting against.

Akane promptly pulled a wooden sword out the air and smacked
Ranma away. "Quit picking on Cosmo-kun! We were just talking,
you loon!"

"I understand you used to be king of hill in Ryouga's
family," Ranma said. "Let's see how much you remember, Cosmo.
Dojo. Five minutes. You lose, you quit playing gentleman caller
to Akane here. See you there."

"That fool," Akane commented loud enough for Ranma to hear
it as he walked away. "Can't I talk to a boy for five minutes
without him getting in the way?"

"It's to be expected, from what you've said," Cosmo said,
pulling himself back into sitting position. "Every boy who's
tried to talk to you so far *has* had ulterior motives. Ranma's
just jealous. I can follow the logic and come to the same
conclusion."

"Not EVERY... I mean... Ryouga doesn't."

"Okay, one fluke," Cosmo waved away. "Argh. I'd rather
not, make that WILL not go trashing Ranma over a silly little
soap opera misunderstanding. Will he go away if I just don't
show up for the brawl?"

"I don't think so."

"I thought as much," Cosmo groaned. "Okay, I'll think of
something. Don't worry, Akane, I promise I won't hurt him."

"Go ahead and hurt him all you like! It's fun!" Akane
noted, brightly.

"Come on, you don't mean that, do you?" Cosmo asked. "You
really want Ranma to get slaughtered?"

"Well... not SLAUGHTERED... but you know... just..."

"I get the pic," Cosmo nodded, with a knowing wink. "I
think I know how to handle this. Don't worry, I'll be back in a
few minutes."

*

Ranma practiced a few kicks in the air, working himself up
for the fight. Honestly, Cosmo had some nerve to think he could
just come and go as he pleased and try to parley up to Akane like
that! He was just as stupid as his brother, and just as
annoying. I mean... just freely talking like that... and the way
she didn't knock him into the stratosphere or complain... the
nerve of it! ARGH!

The dojo door slid open. "Excuse me, I'm looking for the
john," Cosmo said, walking in.

"Very funny. You ready?"

"No, but I don't think it matters," Cosmo said. "Why is it
that just having me chat with Akane is so doubleplus ungood,
Ranma?"

"Nobody just 'chats' with Akane!" Ranma yelled, rushing in
for an attack. Cosmo neatly jumped over Ranma, landing behind
him. "Do you have any idea how many guys are chasing after her?
INCLUDING your dear brother?"

"Eh?" Cosmo asked, leaning left to avoid a punch. "Really?
Wow! I didn't know. He never said. Explains why he tried to
shy me away from her in the first place!"

"He was right to do it!" Ranma said, missing a kick.

"Man, she got protective overlords or something?" Cosmo
asked, ducking. "Surprising. Why not let HER decide who to
interact with? Or is this like one of those war treaties where
the enemy doesn't get to participate?"

"Pipe down and fight me!"

"Man, you're ticked. Could it be that secretly you're
somewhat jealous because she never talks to you beyond 'Baka!'
and 'Hentai!'?"

"SHUT UP!"

"Okay, okay, I won't dip into that subject," Cosmo nodded,
simultaneously avoiding a series of high kicks. "Look. Ranma.
Dude. I promise you I don't got ANY romantic conceptuals here.
Just looking for a friendly face, yaknow?"

Ranma ignored him, and kicked into tenshin amaguriken mode,
throwing 518 punches in Cosmo's direction, who stepped two feet
to the left. Every punch missed.

"This is getting dull," Cosmo commented.

"Tell me about it," Ranma replied, turning to face his
enemy.

"Wanna stop for a moment?" Cosmo suggested.

"For a moment," Ranma agreed, skipping backwards a few
steps.

"Look, you're her fiancee, not me," Cosmo said. "I don't
pretend to make any declarations on her. Is it that hard to
believe that a male has an interest in her beyond basic Manic
Depressive Obsessive?"

"Fairly hard to believe, yes," Ranma said, panting. "You've
succeeded where the others fail, though. You've actually
befriended her. She hasn't kicked you into low earth orbit ONCE.
She hasn't hit you, hasn't yelled, hasn't done anything
unpleasant."

"Thought oughtta be a clue," Cosmo said. "She's not mad
because I'm not trying to move in on any territory or anything.
I can get why you're miffed, though. Look, if you can answer me
this one question, I'll leave now and never come back. If you're
not happy about the engagement either, why do you give a care
that I'm being friendly with her? Why not let some other guy
walk off with her so you can be rid of the obligation?"

"..." Ranma started.

"Thought so. Listen, Ranny -- may I call you that?"

"No."

"Ranny, I'm gonna be gone in a week or two. I just came to
visit my brother and clear up some family business. If you catch
me trying to make a genuine romantic play on your Akane ONCE in
that time period, you have full permission to beat the living
hell out of me. Sound fair? And not just talking, I mean real
sloppy kisses or bouquets of flowers or little boxes of chocolate
and the like."

"Fair enough," Ranma said. "We'll see if you can live up to
that promise."

"I don't think it's gonna be that hard," Cosmo smiled.

*

"...and that's the whole story," Sunshine finished, shifting
uncomfortably on Nabiki's bedroom chair. "The long and short and
medium sized of it."

Nabiki thought hard. "So... he doesn't know that the rabbit
he was carrying around was really you, and he doesn't know that
you were going to profess love that night."

"EXACTLY," Sunshine nodded. "I don't know what to do... he
seems to like Akane, since he talks to her just like he used to
talk to me. What should I do? Should I just go home? Should I
greet him? What?"

"Speaking from a business point of view, I think you can do
better than this Cosmo guy," Nabiki said. "Frankly, he doesn't
have any real world applicable skills that would put him in the
upper tax brackets. There's no conceivable way he could provide
for you to mooch off of him."

"I don't need anyone who can provide for me. I have six
million dollars left from the lottery I won three years ago."

"Si... six... SIX million dollars?" Nabiki gaped, eyes
popping wide. "Umm. First, I had better be up front and ask
that you pay a small consulting fee for this session."

"I don't have any of it on me, Nabiki. I've been a rabbit
for two months. Bunnies lack pockets."

"Oh. Can you wire it to me when you get a hold of one of
your accountants?"

"I could call my brother Norm and have him send some
money..."

"Good!" Nabiki said, shaking hands with the Akane look-a-
like. "I'll consider that an IOU. Hmm. As for the situation,
I'm going to have to advise you to have a nice tea, think the
situation over, and go with whatever you think is best. That
consultant advice tidbit will cost you half the session fee."

"Uh... which is?"

"I think two thousand US dollars will cover the whole deal."

"Errr... thanks. I think."

"Don't mention it!" Nabiki grinned. "Remember to settle
your bill before leaving town."

"Okay. Umm, bye," Sunshine waved, retreating backwards out
of the room, wallet more or less intact.

That wasn't much help, Sunshine thought. She needed to find
out how Cosmo actually felt about her... but she couldn't talk to
him DIRECTLY about it. What could she do? How could she
indirectly have an intimate conversation with someone who
couldn't know who she was? And was there a double negative
anywhere in that idea?

Hmm.

There was ONE thing she could try.

Sunshine walked the long journey of two feet to the upstairs
bathroom, and ruffled through the medicine cabinet.

*

The last tree in the vacant lot went down under Ryouga's
crushing blow, joining its comrades in kindling spirit.

"You seen Floyd, bro?!" Cosmo called from the Tendo yard,
dashing his way towards to the lot. "I've been looking for him
all morning with Akane. Him and her piglet, of course. What is
it with pets 'n getting unlocated? It's just like my pet Hollis
when I was six!"

"Your goldfish?" Ryouga asked, trying to remember.

"Yeah. Fish got lost. Go fig," Cosmo said, climbing over
the lot fence.

"Mom flushed him," Ryouga said, looking for another object
to hit.

"F... flushed?" Cosmo gulped. "Umm. I'm rather upset about
that."

"Get over it, brother. It was a fifty yen goldfish."

"It was one of the many living creatures on the planet!"
Cosmo complained. "It had life! Although you're right, it was
only fifty yen. Perspective deal. I do hope Floyd's okay..."

"Cosmo? Are you out here?" Akane asked, popping up from
behind the fence.

"Right here, Akane!" Cosmo waved. "Found P-Chan yet?"

"Who?"

"You know, oink oink squeal bwee. The other white meat."

"Oh. Err, no. Can we talk for a moment?" Akane asked.

"Certainly," Cosmo said. "Ryouga, go back to... whatever it
is you have to go back to. I'll be right back."

Ryouga nodded quickly, trying to contain himself. WHY did
his brother have to pursue the one he loved? Was he just looking
for a way to outdo Ryouga, now that Ryouga had his family title?
He knocked over a boulder to keep from yelling out loud in anger.

Training. Must concentrate on training. Besides, Cosmo
wouldn't be dumb enough to try anything funny with Akane. Ryouga
grabbed a few stray boulders and started lifting them.

*

"So what's on your mind, Akane?" Cosmo asked, hopping off
the wooden fence to join her on the Tendo side of The Wall.

"I've been thinking. You know that nice girl you kept
mentioning? Sunshine, I think?" Akane started. "Whatever
happened to her?"

"You know, Akane. She must have wandered off or got lost or
something. Wish I knew that myself, I think I have some more
hours on this 7-11 charge card, maybe I could jingle the ringer
for her and converse at cheesy LD line quality..."

"So you do want to talk to her again!"

"Of course. She WAS my road companion for a year plus."

"Road companion," Akane repeated.

"Yes, those were the words I spoke. Why do you ask?"

"Umm... Well, you see, this Sunshine person... she seemed
nice. Really nice. What'd you think of her?"

"Uh... nice, I guess," Cosmo said. "Really nice. She
taught me stuff to survive stateside and have fun... much saner
than my pack at the Dead tour... generally cool all around and
wacky."

"Did you ever..." Akane asked, trying to form each word
carefully. "You know, have a thing for her?"

"Thing?" Cosmo asked. "I don't know, she didn't seem very
interested in a 'thing'. At least not that I could have seen.
Umm, Akane, once again : why are you asking? Why the sudden
interest--"

"Well, DID YOU?" Akane asked, keeping Cosmo on subject.

"Yaah! Well, maybe, possibly, kinda, umm. I never thought
about it because I didn't think she wanted that or something like
that to that extent and for crying out loud WHY do you want to
know?!"

"Alright, so if you maybe possibly KINDA had a thing for
her... here's the biggie : do you have a thing for me? A thing
for Akane."

"Am I supposed to?" Cosmo asked, getting more and more
erratic by the moment.

"Of course! Ranma can see it, Ryouga can see it. Even your
rabbit can see it."

"But it ain't! Akane, I was never TRYING to have a thing
with you. Why doesn't anybody believe that? WHY ARE YOU
ASKING?"

"Because I *AM* Sunshine, silly!" Akane said, bopping Cosmo
playfully over the top of the head. "I dyed my hair to ask you
subtle-like. Sheesh, Cosmo, you can be DENSE sometimes."

"S... Sunshine?!" Cosmo gasped. "Man! I never realized how
much you looked like Akane! Dang! Talk about your Twilight Zone
encounters... Umm. Were you serious back there about 'things'?
How long have you had a 'thing' for me, or were you kidding?"

"Since the day I met you, silly," Sunshine smiled. "I was
GOING to tell you that night at the Floyd concert, but I bumped
into an annoying little wretch selling Jusenkyo water... and
kinda... turned into a rabbit."

"A rabbit? FLOYD!" Cosmo recognized. "Man, the IRONY! You
stuck by me all that time, even though I treated you like a pet?"

"I had to do SOMETHING other than crawl into a hutch and
rot. You didn't give me much of a choice in the matter anyway.
I still wanted to be with you, Cosmo, rabbit or not."

"Wow. This is like completely amazing! I'm amazed! Or
something. Wow! Did I mention I'm amazed?"

"Shut up and kiss me before you lose total grasp of the
language," Sunshine said, jumping forward and into Cosmo's
panicked arms in less than a second.

The problem with standard wooden fencing is that it isn't
much of an iron curtain. There are gaps, knotholes, and plenty
of ways to see what's happening on the other side. It is not
recommended for installation if you want people to avoid seeing a
romantic moment, for example.

"COSMO!!!" Ryouga bellowed, perched on the top of the fence
like a vulture eyeing its prey. "How DARE you do that to Akane?!
PREPARE TO DIE!"

"Eh?" Cosmo twerked, wrenching his head away from Sunshine
just in time to have it be used as a living springboard by an
enraged Hibiki. Cosmo fell flat on his back, sprawled out in
surprise. (Hibikis are traditionally used as stepping stones,
but needless to say, Cosmo was still surprised.)

Another problem with fences is that they're not two-way
blockers. If you're on one side of the fence, anybody on that
side can also see what you're doing. Ranma, for instance,
happened to be on the Tendo side of the fence at the moment.

"COSMO! You SAID you weren't going to do anything like
that!" Ranma yelled, running in and stomping Cosmo as well.
"Prepare for the beating you deserve!"

"hi... ranny.." Cosmo sputtered halfheartedly.

"Don't Ranny me. I warned you ONCE to stay away from Akane,
and I'm not going to do it again!"

"Me first, Ranma! This is a family matter!" Ryouga
interjected. "I get to pound him first, then you can have what's
left."

"*I'M* her fiancee!"

"He's *MY* brother!"

"Can I say something?" Sunshine asked, trying to get into
the argument.

"NO!" Ranma and Ryouga resounded.

"Okay, okay, sheesh, just trying to help," Sunshine said,
backing off.

Cosmo shook his head, trying to regain focus. "Guys... I
can explain this, really..."

"The time for words is over, Cosmo!" Ryouga threatened.
"Prepare to die!"

"I'm not in the mood to prepare for anything," Cosmo said,
hopping back to his feet. "Forget this. I'll come back when you
two cool off. Come on, hun, let's amscray."

"Wha?" Sunshine started, before Cosmo got a good hold and
leaped over the inappropriate-for-privacy fence with her.

"COSMO, GET BACK HERE!" Ryouga yelled, bounding over the
fence in hot pursuit. Ranma wasn't very far behind, and slowly
gaining.

*

BOING. BOING. BOING. Rooftops aren't normally very bouncy
surfaces. Fortunately, these were particularly bouncy kids.

Cosmo leapt from rooftop to rooftop, occasionally flashing
panicked glances at the two pursuers behind him.

"What's gotten INTO them?" he asked Sunshine, who was
currently being carried. "Man, they really freaked out!"

"They must think I'm Akane," Sunshine said. "Shouldn't we
just stop and explain?"

"I don't think we'd get a chance," Cosmo said. "Damn. I
hate rooftop chases. Are the streets vacant enough to safely
tear through at Mach 1?"

"I think," Sunshine said, trying to observe the road beneath
them while bouncing around. "Hold still a minute."

"If I hold still I get creamed. For once I wish Ryouga'd
talk first and pound you later! How could this situation
possibly--"

"Don't say it!"

"What?"

"Don't say 'how could this situation possibly get any worse'
or it will!"

"But dudette, YOU just said it," Cosmo noted.

The two hopped in silence across a few blocks, considering
this. Ryouga and Ranma were of course screaming their heads off,
but other than that, it was silent.

"Then again, actually, how could the situation POSSIBLY get
worse?" Sunshine wondered.

"Good point, hun. Always hope for the best. Okay... check
the streets. Anybody there that we might bowl over if we touched
down?"

"Lesse, couple kids... taxi... some girl with a parasol..."

"WHAT?!"

"You're not deaf, Cosmo. Some girl with a parasol."

"The situation hath gotten worse," Cosmo said. "Damn.
Okay. Which way is she going?"

"Opposite us and falling behind. I don't think she saw.
Who is it, anyway?"

"Trouble. Jeez, leave it to Iyanako NOT to get lost when we
really needed her lost! I'll turn left here and we'll stay away
from her, THEN worry about the terrible twosome behind us."

*

"GET BACK HERE!" Ranma yelled to the couple a block ahead of
them.

"Out of the way, stupid!" Ryouga shouted, elbowing Ranma out
of the way so he could take the lead in the chase. "This is
family business, Ranma, don't interfere!"

"Family? He's got my fiancee!"

"What do YOU care?" Ryouga asked, as Ranma pushed by him.

"I'm not letting ANY Hibiki treat Akane that way, not even
your brother."

"What, so my brother isn't good enough for her? You
insulting my lineage?"

"Jeez, Ryouga, give it a rest!" Ranma demanded. "We're
trying to rescue Akane, not fight each other. Concentrate!"

"Alright, alright," Ryouga said. "We've got to save Akane.
You're right. HEY! They're stopping!"

"Where? Where?"

"There!" Ryouga pointed. "Right next to that water
fountain. He's waving a white flag."

"Let's mutilate him!" Ranma suggested, skidding to a halt on
the rooftop and cracking his knuckles.

"You idiot, white flag means surrender!" Ryouga said,
stopping next to him. "You don't beat up people who surrender,
it's not right."

"He kidnapped Akane!"

"So? It's not proper to maim someone who gives up of his
own free will. Haven't you heard of war crimes?"

"Your brother's wimp streak must be rubbing off on you,
Ryouga," Ranma laughed. "You're starting to act like him."

That's when the first punch was thrown.

*

"What're they doing?" Sunshine asked, trying to look through
the glare of the sun at the rooftop.

"I can't tell," Cosmo said, putting the white flag away.
"Looks like a brawl, though. We may be lucky, perhaps they'll
knock each other out and we can flee."

"Why aren't you standing up to them?" Sunshine asked. "And
where'd you get a white flag, anyway?"

"I'm not fighting back because I don't, remember?" Cosmo
said. "As for the flag, I stole it from a highway construction
site in Des Moines. I think they used it to mark gas lines or
something. I hope I packed my coffee mug..."

"The color-changing Usenet hierarchy one?"

"Yeah," Cosmo said, digging through his backpack. "Ah!
Here it is. Good thing too, I think they've come to their senses
and are climbing down."

Climbing down in a manner of speaking. Currently, Ryouga
was trying to kick Ranma off a drainpipe, while Ranma was biting
his foot. In a way, they were making a general downward
progression, but it couldn't technically be called 'climbing'.

"They'll be here any minute," Sunshine said. "What do you
need your mug for?"

"I'm going to rinse the dye out of your hair and show them
you're not really Akane," Cosmo said, filling the mug at the
water fountain. "They don't look like they wanna mince words,
but if a picture is worth a thousand of 'em..."

"Cos, if you do that, it'll trigger the--"

"COSMO!" Ranma yelled, finally on the ground and breaking
into a sprint.

"Showtime," Cosmo said to Sunshine, rearing back with the
mug. Sunshine started to duck, but wasn't fast enough; the water
hit her full in the face.

Ranma pounced, knocking Cosmo to the ground as the two
tumbled to a halt on the other side of the street.

"Wait!" Cosmo begged, trying to worm his way away from the
enraged Saotome. "Look! It's not Akane! Really!"

"What, your stupid pet rabbit?" Ranma asked, freeing an arm
to point to the annoyed mammal. "What'd you do with Akane? WHAT
DID YOU DO WITH AKANE?"

"Akane's still at home!" Cosmo said. "That's not her, man,
it's my old girlfriend from the States. She's got a Jusenkyo
curse and she had dyed her hair to fool me! Really! You better
believe it, man, it's the righteous truth!"

"Ha! What a pathetic story!"

"He's telling the truth, Ranma," Ryouga said in a
surprisingly calm voice. Ranma blinked, and turned around from
his ready-to-bash-Cosmo's-brains-out pose to see Ryouga
scratching Floyd behind the ears. Strange, the black
discolorations on Floyd's fur...

"Who's side are you on, Ryouga?" he inquired.

"My brother's," Ryouga said, setting the rabbit down.
"Cosmo may be a freak who wears dumb clothing, and he may be a
wimp, but he's a family wimp and I know for a FACT that he is NOT
a liar. Never has been one, and never will be."

"That's layin' it on him, bro, mucho gracias," Cosmo
thanked, relieved he was saved a beating.

"What, you believe this cockamamie story of his?" Ranma
asked. "Come on! NOTHING that ridiculous could be true!"

This is the time when the soundtrack would kick in a lot of
bass in the form of a low earth rumble. It didn't have to,
though; Ranma was rumbling of his own accord as the person
underneath him did an Anger Shake deal.

"RIDICULOUS?!?!" Cosmo screamed, knocking Ranma off his
person. "Ridiculous. Man oh man, are you in it. Ranma, how the
hell can you call a rabbit shapechanger with dyed fur ridiculous
when you are SURROUNDED by ridiculousness? Nerima borders on the
surreal! Since I've gotten here I've been subjected to people
with multiple fiancees, aquatranssexuals, enough conflicts to
make a good TV miniseries out of and more mayhem than you can
wave a white slow-riding Bronco at! How can you DARE to call the
truth ridiculous when you accept things far weirder as normality
on a daily basis?!"

Ranma backed off, not expecting this anger streak in the
known pacifist. Cosmo would have been glowing bright blue if he
was in a wacky cartoon series and not reality.

"You know, BUD, I've had to put up with your accusations
ever since I got here, since you refuse to accept the truth
because you consider it too implausible in a city that Sigmund
Freud would hemorrhage at seeing. First you claim I'm sucking up
to Akane despite my denying it, and now you're DIRECTLY calling
me a liar when the truth is so obviously in front of your beady
little eyes? Ranma, you're NOT A NICE PERSON!"

"Whoa, heh heh, Cosmo my man, it was just a joke..." Ranma
lied. "Jusenkyo rabbit! Hair dye! Okay, maybe it's possible,
make that IS possible--"

"I feel like beating your face against the ground until it
resembles spam on rye," Cosmo growled, letting the words slide
from the left side of his mouth to the right.

"Alright, then if it's a fight you want, I'll fight you!"
Ranma said, getting back some of his nerve. "Bring it on!"

"That's just the thing," Cosmo said, dropping to normal
decibels. "I don't WANT to fight you. You're annoying, but I'm
not gonna break my vow. Nobody's THAT annoying. Sorry, Ranma.
Hit Ryouga, you'll feel better."

"What?!" Ryouga asked, looking up in surprise. Ranma span
around and clocked Ryouga across the jaw, sending him spinning.

"Ranma, I was kidding," Cosmo noted.

"Huh? Oh. Sorry," Ranma apologized, rubbing his hand.
"Actually, I do feel better."

"Glad to help," Cosmo shrugged. "I would go and look for
hot water for Sunshine here apres demanding an apology, but we've
got more pressing problems. Is Ryouga alive?"

"Present," Ryouga said, stumbling back to balance.

"Sunshine spotted Iyanako three blocks west and headed
straight for the dojo," Cosmo said. "She must be rather upset to
be able to find her way that well."

"Already?" Ryouga asked. "But... I'm not done training!"

"You could run..." Cosmo suggested.

"No way! I've got to stand up to her. It's for the good of
the Hibiki dojo!"

"Umm, what's he talking about?" Ranma asked.

"It's complex," Cosmo winced. "Ranma, you go back home and
tend to Akane. Consider the matter settled, sorry I flew off the
handle there. Mind if we use the actual dojo part of your dojo
for awhile to settle this? It beats explaining to Iyanako why we
can't..."

"Yeah, whatever," Ranma said. "I'm heading back. Cosmo...
sorry about the mixup..."

"Don't sweat it. Bumpups like that happen all the time,
'seems. Ryouga, come on, you've got some serious last minute
training to do."

"Huh? You're gonna train me?"

"Just because I don't use 'em doesn't mean I lose 'em, bro.
You're gonna need every technique I know to take down Iyanako.
Grab Sunshine and let's bolt, there's an empty alley down the
street that'll serve nicely."

*

Iyanako stood her ground in the doorway of the Tendo dojo,
facing the sun. She wanted this to be the way her baka brother
finds her... ready to face him down for daring to take what she
was planning to steal all by herself.

The three Tendo sisters looked around the doorway, not sure
what to make of this strange girl who barged into the house
(breaking the door in the process) and made a beeline for the
dojo, only to stop in the door and freeze up.

"Maybe it's another long lost fiancee of Ranma's," Nabiki
joked.

"That's not funny," Akane replied.

"Yes it was. What's she doing, anyway?" Nabiki asked.

"Someone ought to go talk to her," Kasumi suggested.

"That's wise, go converse with a lunatic gate-crasher. 'Hi
there, how are things, will you be paying for that door?'" Nabiki
mocked.

"I'll go talk to her," Akane said.

"Be careful!" Kasumi warned.

Akane crept quietly over to the girl, before realizing that
in all likelihood if she snuck up on the girl, the girl might
attack. Instead, she made very loud, deliberate steps, but ones
that said 'Hey, I'm a friend' not 'I've come to tear your throat
out'.

The girl didn't move. Akane took this as a good sign and
walked up next to her.

"Hey there," she experimented.

The girl said nothing.

"Nice weather we're having."

Silence.

"Okay, I'll bite, what're you doing here?" Akane asked,
despite shushes from the peanut gallery by the door.

"I'm waiting for my brother," the girl said simply.

"...who is?"

"Ryouga Hibiki."

"Ryouga doesn't live here."

"I've been told he frequents this dojo, so I have decided to
challenge him here. I'm going to destroy him and become my
family's champion."

"Okay. I see. What if he doesn't show up?"

"I'll wait here all day and night if I have to!" the girl
vowed.

"Oh my. I'd better go make some lemonade," Kasumi said from
the door.

*

"That was the weirdest training session I've ever had,"
Ryouga said, heaving and lurching from the intense workout.

"How so?" Cosmo asked, checking the mouth of the alley they
had ducked into for anybody carrying a parasol.

"Because you never hit back, that's why," Ryouga said.

"Yes I did," Cosmo said. "I just never CONNECTED. Recall
those six rapid fire punches I nearly but did not land."

"How can you train without hitting people?" Ryouga asked.

"Simple. You just don't hit them. It's easier than you
think. Instead of stopping your fist two inches inside the body,
you stop it two inches outside."

"Is that still martial arts?"

"It's the forms, ain't it?" Cosmo asked. "You wanted skill,
you got it. Shame you can't do much with it other than harm
Iyanako."

"Okay, so I know your famous Hibiki Spinning Hook Kick, a
few new escape techniques, and some punch combinations. Am I
ready to take her on?"

"The answer to that is a definite negatory, bro," Cosmo
said. "Don't get me wrong, you've got the tacks down harder than
she ever will, but she's still got you outclassed powerwise.
You're fast, but not fast enough to take her down before she
takes you out. All it takes is one lucky hit from her to put you
in a chair or a box. This does not look prosperous."

"It doesn't matter," Ryouga stated, wiping sweat from his
brow. "I've got to challenge her. I'm the champion, and I've
got to defend that title. Even if it means dying for it."

"Now you know why I hated having it," Cosmo said.

"Hard to keep?"

"No, painful to keep. For both sides."

"Which way to the dojo?" Ryouga asked. "You've got to lead
me there. I don't want to get lost on my way to my triumph."

"Funeral, you mean."

"Whatever."

*

"Are you sure you don't want some lemonade?" Kasumi asked,
offering the tray to Iyanako for the third time.

"No thanks," Iyanako said. "I'm fasting until I defeat
Ryouga Hibiki."

"Determined, aren't we?" Nabiki asked, munching on a tea
cookie. "So what'd he do to you?"

"He dared to gain the title of family champion from my
brother!"

"So?"

"I was going to do it first."

"Ah. That's logical," Nabiki nodded, continuing on her
cookie. "By the way, you pay for any damages to the dojo. New
rule since they tore the roof off it last spring in a fight with
our 'long lost sisters'."

"Hey, I helped fix that, didn't I?" Akane reminded Nabiki.
"It took awhile, but the roof's fine now."

"Only after surplus purchases in wood and nails. We're
lucky I managed to buy them by the gross from my contact at the
shipping docks."

"But--"

*KNOCK*.

The four girls looked up at the sound, which clearly came
from the front of the house.

"I think Ryouga's here," Akane said, wandering off to the
dojo exit. "I'll go answer the door..."

"Is there going to be any mass spillage of blood here?"
Nabiki asked. "We haven't cleared your little bout with the
owner of the house, and it would be impolite to make a mess..."

"Ryouga's blood will wash my hands in victory!" Iyanako
vowed, her third vow in as many days.

"I'd better get a mop," Kasumi nodded.

"Is she always that calm to impending doom and threats of
mass violence?" Iyanako asked, confused.

Nabiki nodded. "It's a knack."

Akane led the opposing team around to the dojo entrance.
Just as Iyanako wanted it; herself framed in the door in the
light of the setting sun, ready to retake what was hers.

She wasn't expecting a tackling hug from her older brother,
however.

"Iyanako! Long time no visibility!" Cosmo greeted
physically, diving into a ticklefest. "How's everybody's
favorite l'il girl, eh?"

"OFF!" Iyanako shouted, easily tossing Cosmo across the
room. Cosmo slid on his rear, and got up quickly.

"Okay, we'll forgo family greets. Allow me a moment to
console the doomed," he asked, leading Ryouga over to one corner
of the room. Once he was out of earshot, he dipped into a low
whisper. "I was hoping to sprain her ankle or something with
that hello. Weird, from what I recall, she doesn't have good
endurance but managed to survive that easily... just our luck,
huh?"

"You can't cripple her before a fight, it's unfair," Ryouga
said. "Do you have any legal ideas to help me win this?"

"Actually, no," Cosmo said. "Not yet. Gimmie a minute."

"You're still a martial artist, inactive or not. What would
you do if you were in my shoes?"

"Run?" Cosmo suggested.

"Why does Iyanako scare you so much?" Ryouga asked. "You've
been nervous ever since hearing she was coming!"

"I told you, man! She's a beast! Best student I ever
trained. No, strongest, not best. She was regularly winning in
fights with me before I went stateside! There's no way you're
gonna win to her. Neither could I. I don't think ANYBODY could
take her down. I'm GLAD Mom 'n Dad never gave her a chance. It
would not have been pretty."

"Well... I'll go down trying, then," Ryouga said, tightening
his bandanna. "For the honor of the family."

"Ryouga, man, don't DO dis," Cosmo pleaded, as Ryouga walked
to the center of the dojo to confront his sister. "Akane, you
and your sisters clear out. I don't want you getting hurt in
this foolishness."

"I don't need a second invitation," Nabiki said, walking
calmly but quickly for the door. "Remember, Iyanako, you break
it you bought it."

"I've got... cooking to do," Kasumi covered, also exiting.

"You SURE you're going to be alright, Ryouga?" Akane asked.

"Positive," Ryouga lied. "But... given the slightest chance
that I don't survive this... know that I'll... Akane, I guess
it's a little late saying this, but I'll always lo--"

"Time out!" Cosmo shouted, making a crude T with his hands.
"Time out! Time out!"

The three left in the room stared at him confused. Cosmo,
visibly shaking, walked between the two Hibiki siblings.

"I've got an idea," Cosmo said. "A bad idea, but the only
one I could think of. Ryouga, you're fired."

"Excuse me?"

"I retract my wish to name you my successor!" Cosmo said.
"Let me take Iyanako on. I'll fight her."

(insert large scale face fault here)

"You can't do that!" Ryouga claimed, after recovering. "You
SAID I was number one. You told Dad!"

"You still can be, just not now," Cosmo said. "I'll rename
you later. Iyanako, I'm more skilled than he is. I'm the one
you want to take down and you know it."

"Back off, brother," Iyanako said. "My fight is with
Ryouga, not you. You gave up your chance."

"Yeah, but which of us been raggin' on you all these years?"
Cosmo asked. "Who's the center of attention, the big cheese, the
one mum 'n pop always talked about? They thought I was a god,
considered Ryouga a lesser fighter, and thought you'd just be a
kawaii housewife or something. Which of us ticks you off more,
me or him?"

Iyanako paused, glancing between the two brothers. Her will
was crumbling and Cosmo knew it.

"Which of us trained you to the point where you could beat
us singlehandedly?"

"You," Iyanako nodded.

"Come on. Fight me. Let's end this farce in the here and
now and present, all of which are the same things. You beat me
you can be numero uno. You can't beat me, you accept it like a
man. Woman. Whatever. Okay?"

"I... I don't know..." Iyanako said, unsure of herself. "I
thought Ryouga was... you know, the one..."

"It was me up until two days ago. You had plans to take me
out, even back when I was training you. I KNEW, Iyanako. Let
those plans hit light and see what became of the fruits of your
labor. Hit me with your best shot. Or are you too... GIRLY to
do it?"

"DIE, KOSUMO!" Iyanako roared, whipping the parasol from
behind her neck and jamming it through the air where Cosmo's
chest used to be. Cosmo wobbled back up, spine groaning from the
stress of bending over backwards.

"Cosmo, what are you DOING?!" Ryouga asked, backing off from
the fight as Iyanako made more fierce stabs at bits of air where
Cosmo was .1 seconds ago. "You're gonna get killed!"

"Trust me, Ryouga! I've got an edge!" Cosmo yelled from the
fray, ducking and skittering off like a crab to avoid a long
parasol swipe.

"Yeah, and it's on that parasol!" Ryouga replied.

"For a change, could everybody SHUT UP and let me fight
here?" Cosmo asked, sliding left and right to dodge the rain (no
pun intended) of blows. "Normally I 'preciate heckles, but I
kinda need to concentrate!"

Ryouga nodded silently. Akane slid around the wall,
avoiding the battlezone, eventually over to Ryouga's side to
watch the fray.

Thrust after thrust Cosmo deftly avoided, a few close calls
ripping through his clothing but nothing more. Iyanako wasn't
terribly fast, giving Cosmo some breathing room, but each swoosh
of her parasol could be FELT by everybody in the room; chaos
patterns swirled in the air around the combatants, causing small
tsunamis to form in the distant corners of the dojo.

"Quit dodging and FIGHT ME!" Iyanako demanded, popping the
parasol open and spinning the bladed frills around. Wind whipped
through her hair, conducting through the room and past all
present.

"I get it!" Ryouga commented to Akane. "He's doing the same
thing he did to me. He's not fighting back. If she can't hit
him, she can never claim to beat him! I just hope she doesn't
make a tornado or anything and throw him off balance."

"That's strange," Akane replied quietly.

"It's working, isn't it?" Ryouga said. "It's not strange,
it's not cowardice, it's just... fighting without fighting. All
the forms of combat, all the ability and the style without the
actual hurting people business... reduced down to who possesses
more skill. It's Martial Arts Non-Violence!"

"Righteous name job, man!" Cosmo said, overhearing the
conversation and flashing the two a thumbs up. The thumb was
nearly severed at the joint by a spinning bladed parasol.

"Look out!" Akane warned.

"Look out? What do you THINK I'm doing?" Cosmo asked,
diving between Iyanako's legs to avoid the spinning blades.

"But how does he expect to WIN like this?" Akane asked.
"What if she lands a lucky blow?"

"Cosmo wouldn't let that happen. Don't you see? He's good
enough not to need to be good. He can fight by not being there,
and the act of trying to catch up with him is tiring her out."

"Fight... back... you... weasel!" Iyanako sputtered, clearly
running out of steam. "What's wrong with you?"

"I'm not going to hurt you, Iyanako! But I'd better warn
you, I can keep this up for hours," Cosmo said, ducking and
jumping two swipes of the spinning water repellant. "Can you?"

"FIGHT ME!"

"What do you THINK I'm doing?!"

"Dodging!"

"That's a fighting technique, isn't it? Think back to your
training with me. What was the first lesson?"

"Dodging..." Iyanako said, pausing in mid-swipe.

"Exactly," Cosmo said, landing on his feet, but ready to
take off at a moment's notice. "You've got this whole deal
wrong. I never trained you to pound and beat and thrash and
kill, I taught you how to lock forms and test your ability on
another fighter. I'm winning in this fight because you're not
good enough to get through that."

"But... but... I'm the strongest! SEE?!" Iyanako said,
slamming a fist through the dojo wall, creating a new entrance
the size of a Volvo. Akane cringed at the sight of the
splinters, figuring they'd need buckets for her father's tears at
the sight of his redecorated dojo...

"Strength, agility, endurance, wisdom. There are FOUR
aspects to your training and you've dumped all but one. You're
no martial artist, Iyanako, you're just a lousy weight lifter."

"SHUT UP!" she yelled, swiping again, a wild, crazed swipe
that Cosmo didn't even have to dodge.

"It's true. Iyanako, chill and let's rethink this, okay?
You're not suitable for number one yet. You've munged up your
training. You're not going to be ready for a challenge until
you've learned not only how to fight, but how to win, and how to
deal with that win."

"I don't get it," Iyanako said, lowering the parasol. "I
thought I was ready, since I was clearly the strongest around..."

"More to it than that. I'll make you a deal. Let me
retrain you here into the true spirit of what you want. When you
think you're ready, I mean really ready, not just mad, give it
another shot. You just weren't destined to win today. There's
nothing wrong with that, but you have to accept it."

"But... but..." Iyanako stammered, parasol falling from her
hands. "I... I DON'T UNDERSTAND!"

With that, she collapsed to her knees, sobbing. The air
around her settled down as Cosmo dropped the defensive posture
and walked to her side. "I think I can handle the Battle Royale
with cheese from here on, Ryouga. You and Akane go see how the
other Tendos are doing and tell them the outcome. I think sis 'n
I have some chatter to mix up."

"You sure you'll be okay?" Ryouga asked.

"'course. It's over. Oh, and take Sunshine," Cosmo said,
taking off his backpack and opening it. He lifted the battered,
unconscious rabbit out and carefully handed it to his brother.
"I wasn't expecting to get into a fight, so I forgot to take her
out of my pack. She's gonna slaughter me when she wakes up. See
about getting her some hot water, I'm not used to dodging rabbit
blows."

*

Sun set on Nerima, letting the day's weirdness wash away
with the tides of the stars. Whatever grudges were held in the
day faded away with the light, and whatever confusion was present
in the light settled down into understanding.

Cosmo stared out a sliding door in the dining room of the
Tendo homestead, sipping a foamy beverage. The others were
likewise lounged around, recuperating and relaxing from what had
proved to be a hard day.

"Ah, I dig night," Cosmo said, gazing at the stars from the
dining room window. "S'a lot quieter. Plus stars look really
funky after you've had six or seven cans of high sugar cola.
How's my widdle Sunshine doing?"

"Fine, no thanks to you. OW!" Sunshine yelped, as Kasumi
applied disinfectant to one of her cuts. "I feel like a Shake
and Bake drumstick."

"I think I'd better get out of here before I add to the
weirdness level of this town," Cosmo said. "I did what I came to
do anyway. Iyanako's realized the err of her ways and is going
to train proper, Ryouga got what he wanted and I'm finally out of
the loop. Plus I got my girlfriend back at loss of hare
companion."

"Sounds like a full day," Akane nodded.

"Has been. Alright, Ryouga, I officially rename you the--"

"Don't bother," Ryouga said, waving the title away while
slurping down lemonade.

"Eh?" Cosmo asked, in mid-knighting motion. "Como? Que
pasa?"

"Cosmo, from what I saw tonight, I've got light years to go
before I can even approach your skill level. I can't honestly
take that title knowing how good you are, it'd be lying."

"Ryouga, dude, I don't WANT it."

"You DESERVE it," Ryouga said. "You're still a martial
artist, just not the kind that hurts people. It takes far more
skill to out-dance your opponent with martial arts forms than it
takes to pound them into jelly. I don't care what Dad thinks of
you, the way your dress, or they way you talk, you're still the
best the family has to offer."

"What about the dojo yaburis and the parental showoffing and
all the other pomp and circumstance that goes with it?" Cosmo
said.

"It's your option to let it slide and ignore them, or show
'em you still have it, you just have it your way."

"I don't have anything!"

"You do!" Ryouga rebutted. "Let's not get into a tennis
match with the dos and don'ts, it's the truth and you know it."

"Okay, so I do know how to pretend to kick people. Big
deal. That's not fighting."

"It is," Ryouga insisted. "Look, new martial arts forms
emerge at a daily basis. I could name six or seven separate ones
in this town alone. Make your own based on what you've always
been trying to pound into my head."

"What, 'Martial Arts Non-Violence'? Dad'd never approve."

"He didn't approve of my nomination either, but he accepted
it. He'll accept anything from his star pupil, weird or no.
Just keep earplugs around."

"I guess it's possible..." Cosmo mused. "I'll think about
it. THINK, mind you. How about yourself? You going to practice
this Martial Arts thingy of yours too?"

"Of course not. I've still got to kill Ranma!" Ryouga said
in jovial, well-meaning tones.

"I heard that," Ranma called from across the room.

"Not NOW, stupid, I mean later. We're celebrating right
now," Ryouga said, tossing a pillow at him.

"Whoo! Martial Arts Pillowfighting!" Cosmo laughed. "Well,
gang, the lemonade's been nice, but the sooner we set out the
better. Come along, Sunshine."

"Oh? Are we going somewhere?" Sunshine asked, reapplying a
band-aid that had fallen off.

"Yeah. Shonen Knife's playing on the other side of Tokyo.
I figure we could tour with them a little while to catch up on
our home culture, then hop on an R.E.M. ticket and go back
stateside for awhile."

"I'm coming too, right?" Iyanako piped in with, injecting
herself into the conversation. "You promised to train me. You
had an idea about weather control or something, remember?"

"I don't welsh on promises," Cosmo nodded. "You gonna be
fine here without Team Dysfunctional hanging around,
Ryougameister?"

"Just fine," Ryouga nodded.

KRAK-KATHOOOM, went the sky. Within moments, raindrops were
tapping against the roof of the Tendo home and dojo, downpour
pouring down outside.

"Rain?" Sunshine gulped. "Come on, not now! I'm sick of
hopping!"

"You could use my parasol," Iyanako suggested.

"It's too small," Sunshine said, moping. "Plus, I don't
wanna get lacerated."

"Mind if we stay one more night?" Cosmo asked sheepishly.
"It's not like we'd be a problem. I mean, what else could
possibly go wrong?"

KNOCK KNOCK, the door went.

The collective heads of the crowd turned to the front door.
Who could that be, in the middle of a raging storm?

WHAM went the door, struck down by bokken blade. Tatewaki
Kunou burst into the room, dripping wet, with a wild look in his
eyes.

"The hurricane cometh!" he warned. "A horrible storm, the
end is nigh! Akane Tendo, I must bring you to safety within the
Kunou Family Storm Shelter, lest the winds of the heavens rend
you asunder!"

Kunou promptly charged through the room, grabbed Sunshine,
and made his way through a previously nonexistent hole in the
wall.

The kids examined the Kunou-shaped hole, thinking roughly
the same thing.

"Sunshine hasn't gotten that hair dye out yet, has she?"
Ryouga asked.

"Cripes," Cosmo said. "Alright, come on, let's go knock the
jerk over and get my rabbit back. You do the actual hitting for
me, bro. One thing first : Ryouga, is it REALLY this bizarre
here, or did I just come at a bad day?"

"Are you kidding? This is a NORMAL day!" Ryouga laughed.

"Tomorrow, then. I'm *definitely* leaving tomorrow," Cosmo
vowed. "Could someone warm up the kettle for when we come back?"


THE END

-=-

PHEW.

That was truly a bizarre writing session. I had no plot
planned past Cosmo's second encounter with the older Hibiki
father; the rest I had to worm out of whim and the occasional
head-butt meeting with my pals on AnimeMUCK, Mikado-san
particularly. Like March of the Pigs, I wove a majority of the
plot out of thin air. Supply and demand.

On with the postscript. I actually did some research on
this one, although not into Ryouga's background like I probably
should have, but into names. With the help of Ame, Oyuki and
several others on AnimeMUCK, I tried to develop good Japanese
names for Cosmo and Iyanako. For Cosmo, I just wanted a good
Japanese sound-a-like for the word 'Cosmo'. 'Kosumo' was
suggested, and it seemed to work. For Iyanako, I tried to ask
for a name that fit her personality (a pushy, stubborn little
determined girl). I wanted something ending in Ko, and Iyanako
was suggested. Seemed to work too.

I'm slightly worried that Cosmo was too overpowered, much
like the 'American Exchange Student Adventure' whatsit on
world.std.com, but I tried to make up for this by having him be
afraid of Iyanako (with good reason!) and take a few hits when he
wasn't expecting them. Iyanako may show up in later stories or
at least on RanmaMUCK; I got the idea of using her air current
thingy as a weapon too late. I got the idea while rewatching my
Viz tapes and seeing Kunou do something similar with a pointed
stick.

Cosmo's actual character evolved out of the idea of a tye-
dye Ryouga, moving on the idea of a Ryouga clone who accidentally
wanders into a Grateful Dead tour and becomes part of the tribe.
I don't know much about Deadheads beyond the clothing and
nourishments, so I skipped lightly across the subject where
available. Originally, Cosmo was supposed to have a drowning pig
curse too, to allow for some nice 'P-Chan' bits, but they just
didn't seem to fit. Besides, it would lead more easily to
Sunshine's discovery that her curse WASN'T permanent.

Other than these quibbles, I'm quite proud of the story,
which I hammered out (pulled out by force is more like it)
between marathon One Must Fall sessions over the course of four
days. I had to fight to encourage myself back to the keys,
(hopefully) coming off a large writer's block in both the Ranma
and FWLS departments. Shame I have/had this block of time during
winter break and I couldn't get more writing out.

Maybe I could do an offshoot series with the travels of
Cosmo, Sunshine and Iyanako. Hmmm... 'Kimagure Tie-Dye Road'!

Naah.

Anyway, I hope you enjoyed it.

(Insert happy anime ending song with the word 'heart' in it here)

-- Stefan "Twoflower" Gagne (twoflowr@pixelscapes.com)
Jan. 7, 1995