Lookin' Down the Barrel of a Glomp

by Stefan Twoflower Gagne

Part of John Biles's Elseworlds project (but a standalone story). A retelling of the Ranma 1/2 lore if he had a very, very different curse - Spring of Drowned Hentai...

1. Part I

Ranma 1/2 Elseworlds : Lookin' Down the Barrel of a Glomp
By Stefan Gagne

Intro/Outtro Story by John Walter Biles

(All characters copyright Rumiko-san, obviously. If I ever
even considered claiming that these were my own characters
I'd probably be thrown into a small cell where I'd be forced
to eat my own colon to live.)

(DISCLAIMER : This is NOT a UY/Ranma crossover fanfic.)

%

"AKANE!!!!!!!!!!" The shout echoed through the streets of
the Nerima district from a small park, home to a wishing well.
The shouter was one Ranma Saotome, an increasingly desperate
teenager who had just watched his fiancee Akane Tendo fade away
after making an unspoken wish.
In his usual straightforward manner, Ranma was trying to
defeat the well in in combat and force it to bring her back.
The well, however, seemed to be being stubborn...or perhaps didn't
understand what Ranma was trying to convince it to do...or possibly
was incapable of any such deal at all. Ranma switched tactics and
prepared to toss a garbage can down the well, in the hopes that it
would perhaps get ill and toss Akane back up...or something. He
wasn't quite sure what the well had done with Akane...but past
experience taught him beating things up usually got results.
"AAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!" screamed the garbage can, startling Ranma,
who dropped it. A cute brown haired girl popped out of the garbage
can. She started flailing away at Ranma in a manner unlikely to do
more than mildly annoy him. "You almost tossed me down the well!"
Ranma blinked, then recognized the girl..make that guy. It was
Tsubasa, Ranma's least favorite transvestite. Not that he really
had a favorite. Well, unless you counted Ukyou, but Ranma didn't
think of her as a transvestite, even if she had dressed and lived
as a boy for ten years. For a moment, he paused to consider
whether anyone would even be able to tell if Tsubasa acquired the
same curse as him, then his brain returned to the matter at hand.
"You're behind this! Aren't you! I should have realized it
when Ukyou was the first person to disappear! And now what have
you done with Akane?" He lifted Tsubasa and shook him, trying to
overcome the part of his brain shouting at him not to get violent
with a female. With difficulty, Ranma shut off that voice and
focused on the now shaking and crying Tsubasa.
"I didn't do anything! I came here to wish that she might
come back!" Tsubasa shook with fear.
"Yeah, right. Well, I guess you're not lying. There's no way
you could have made her vanish like that when..." Something was
wrong. Ranma realized his head felt heavy. Then the weight leaned
over and looked at him. It was the wrinkly, repulsive martial arts
master known as Happousai.
"What's wrong, Ranma?" Happousai said. "Don't be sad. I
have a nice new bra for you to wear just as soon as I get you a
little water so it will fit properly!"
Ranma plucked Happy off his head and tossed him at a nearby
tree. "Get away you old pervert! We're trying to find Akane!"
Happy bounced off the tree and over to the well. "So that's
the way it's going to be? You won't even consider wearing a bra?"
Ranma said, "NO! I won't! You're a disgusting dirty old
man!"
Glaring at Ranma, Happy said, "Show your master some respect!"
He began raising a bucket from the well.
Snorting, Ranma said, "Why? You don't deserve respect. A
martial arts master who lets himself be locked up in a cave for ten
years? Yeah, right. The power and the glory are yours, all right."
Tsubasa quietly slipped off and put on another disguise while they
were distracted.
Happousai made a swift move, and Ranma dropped into a fighting
position. "Probably gonna try and toss a grenade down my shirt,"
he thought.
It was a rolled up scroll, not a grenade, and Happy only
opened it up and read it. Ranma blinked.
Happy chortled. "You think I am weak? You simply haven't
been trained properly in respect boy! But I'm going to fix that
right now!"
An eyebrow went up. "What, by reading me a bedtime story? By
boring me into submission?"
"No! I bought this scroll from a street vendor and..."
A part of Ranma's brain quickly analyzed this and concluded
that Happy was about to use something magical. Ranma had had many
experiences with magic, ranging from bad to outright catastrophic.
The brilliant tactical part of his mind considered its options
carefully in the approximately two seconds he had before
catastrophe would begin to strike.
Unfortunately, it was still considering options when
catastrophe struck. For once, Happy showed off his true skill at
martial arts and not just his true skill at being a pervert.
"Anything Goes Martial Speed Reading Technique!" Happy
shouted, whipping out the scroll and reading off a long string of
what sounded to Ranma vaguely like Serbo-Croatian, or maybe Urdu,
or at least not Japanese.
Ranma blinked. Nothing happened. He started to sigh in
relief, but then Happousai continued.
"Heh! This scroll grants one wish! And that power is now at
my command!" He cackled and waved the scroll over his head.
Ranma lept for the scroll, despite the fact that it was already
too late.
"My wish is that I had never stayed locked up in that cave for
ten years! I wish I had gotten out immediately! Heh! Now you'll
see boy! I will have already shown you who's boss by now."
Ranma shuddered, for the prospect of the alteration of history
in this manner was not a pleasant one to him. Nothing happened.
He smirked. "Looks like you couldn't even do that right."
Suddenly, Happousai vanished. The scroll dropped to the
ground.
Ranma wasn't sure whether to be glad, or to be very, very
afraid.

*

Purple Robes tossed aside his/her street vendor costume, sat
down, and observed the pool. A vision began to form. "Let's see
if the old man's desires can give me what I want. And let's pray
it doesn't have as bad of side-effects as it might."

%

Ding!
And then it exploded.
Kaneda yelped and hit the ground, covering his head as the
severed microwave door sliced through the air like cheesewire
through cheese. It embedded in the far wall with a TWANNGGGG,
like a knife vibrating up and down.
It wasn't the lid that was the problem, though. It was the
rest of the room, which was now coated in egg, danish chunks,
jelly, tinfoil, and various herbs and seasonings. As usual, his
latest experiment was a complete and utter failure.
"Well," he said aloud, brushing various intermingled sauces
off his apron, "Bang goes that idea..."
"Another failure?" Nabiki asked, leaning in the kitchen
doorway.
"Yes, Nabiki, another failure," Kaneda grumbled, starting
the long process of cleaning up. "How much did you win this
time?"
"Five hundred yen. Akane has too much faith in you," Nabiki
said. "I could grow old and retire just by banking money on you
never successfully cooking anything."
"Don't you have some off track betting parlors to cruise,
Nabiki?" Kaneda asked, pulling at the microwave door. "I'm busy
here."
"Just make sure you have this mess cleaned up in time for
Akane and Mrs. Saotome to cook dinner, Kaneda-chan."
"Don't call me Kaneda-chan!"
By then, however, Nabiki had left. Kaneda sighed. Deep in
his heart, he KNEW he was a master chef. People calling him a
'Home Economics Pansy' wouldn't stop that dream. People betting
on his continued failures wouldn't stop that dream. Heck, even
his total inability to produce something edible by carbon based
life forms wouldn't stop that dream.
What happens to a dream deferred? Does it dry up, like a
raisin in the sun?
Hmm... Raisins... Kaneda rooted through the cupboard,
looking for a box. Inspiration had just hit him for a sort of
raisin-jello and rice surprise, if he could just find--
"Kaneda-kun!" Akane called, running inside. "What was that
explosion?"
"Just the microwave," Kaneda said. "Hey, we got any
raisins? Or even grapes. I think if I stuck grapes out in the
sun it'd be the same thing..."
"You BLEW UP the microwave?!" Akane gasped.
"Sorry," Kaneda replied.
Akane sighed. "It's okay, Kaneda-kun... I can work around
the mess. Scoot over, I've got to fire up the oven for dinner."
"One of these days, Akane. One of these days I'll finally
cook something for the whole family, or my name isn't Kaneda
Saotome!"
"Yes, well, you do that. Now scoot, I've got to get
cooking. After all, if I didn't feed us, who would?"

*

"AIEEE!"
"HENTAI!"
"MANIAC!"
"GET HIM!"
The figure carrying a sack of underwear ran down the street,
laughing merrily. "Come get me, girls! If I had more time, I'd
greet you properly, but I suppose underwear will have to do for
now..."
The figure easily dodged a series of vicious swipes with
brooms, rakes, and mops that the female crowd was waving madly. If
there were any available, they'd probably have been carrying
torches as well. The figure hopped into a crowd of shoppers at
an open air market, then slipped into an alley while his pursuers
plowed through the customers like so many bowling pins.
"Nyah! Missed me!" he said, sticking out his tongue and
pulling at an eyelid. "Now, let's see what haul we've got...
bra... bra... panty... oooh, this one's been used recently! (sniff)
Terrif. Bra... bra..."
The sign was smashed against his head before he could react.
The panty thief dropped his sack and flopped to the ground in an
awkward lump.
The woman dropped the YIELD sign, sighing. As is, this
situation simply wouldn't be presentable to the Tendos and
Saotomes. She'd have to wait for the rain to stop and look for
some hot water.

*

The family settled for dinner, breaking out the chopsticks
as Akane brought the various bowls out. Mr. Saotome's stomach
could be heard growling from seventeen paces, and heightened its
volume upon seeing food.
"Stop drooling, dear," Nodoka said, wiping her husband's
mouth with a napkin. "I know you love Akane-chan's cooking, but
let's not make ourselves look undignified over it..."
"It's not THAT good," Kaneda mumbled, poking through his
dinner.
"Don't play with your food, Kaneda-kun," Nodoka warned. "You
know, Akane-chan, if you keep up with your cooking lessons,
one day you'll make a fine wife for some lucky husband!"
"Auntie!" Akane exclaimed. "I'm... I'm not ready for
marriage just yet."
"But your cooking is excellent!"
"..not THAT good..." Kaneda mumbled again. Most of the
family ignored him.
"What, that? Big deal... I mean, anybody can cook," Akane
laughed, ignoring the grumbles from Kaneda's corner of the table.
"Martial arts is FAR more difficult."
"Another talent of yours which is growing every day!" Soun
nodded through his constant stream of eating.
"Ah... thanks, dad," Akane said, proceeding to sit down and
start eating before more heaps of praise were thrown at her.
"Ah, Saotome, remember that dream we once had?" Soun mused,
in between payloads. "Of uniting our families together by
marriage..."
Kaneda choked violently on his rice. "What!?"
"Yes, Tendo, I recall that promise," Genma nodded. "But, if
you recall, we specifically had in mind pair up our R--"
"Pass the salt," Nodoka interrupted, flashing her husband an
angry glare. Genma blinked, and handed it over.
The rest of the kids made no comments; the last thing they
wanted to do was encourage such an idea, each considering the
horrors involved.
Nabiki would rather eat nails than marry Kaneda, frankly.
Well, he wasn't THAT bad of a guy, even if she did make fun of
him at every turn and think he was rather pathetic at anything he
tried and wonder if the boy had some sort of bad luck burned into
his soul from birth. There were other, richer fish in the sea
than him, however. She dismissed the parental whimsy as just
that, whimsy, and continued eating.
Akane balked at the idea of marriage entirely. First of
all, the only Saotome available to marry was Kaneda, who she had
treated as a brother since as far as she could remember. Plus,
she had this little thing; she hated boys. Hated 'em, hated 'em,
hated 'em. (Well, except for Kaneda, who was more of a sis...
sibling than a 'boy'.) No marriage here, thank you very much,
dad...
Kaneda didn't want to get married to a gold digger, nor to
someone that could show him up at every turn in the kitchen. Not
that he HATED them... okay, perhaps Nabiki... but they were his
sisters, in a way. That didn't leave any other options in the
Tendo family.
And after all, there weren't any other children.

*

Ranma straightened his shirt, nervously picking at the
wooden ties. Kasumi paused, in mid knock.
"Are you alright, Ranma?" she asked.
"Fine, fine. Just a little shaken up. Thanks for waiting
for the weather to clear," he said. "You sure this is the
place?"
Kasumi pointed to the nearby sign : THE SAOTOME-TENDO
ANYTHING GOES MARTIAL ARTS DOJO. "This is the place. I wonder
if they'll recognize us... it's been so long..."
"I'd be happy just to get indoors and take a bath, frankly,"
Ranma said. "Thirteen years of road travel doesn't go wonders
for the hygiene..."
"That's all? You're not the least bit excited about finally
seeing our families?"
"A little excited... but really, I can't remember them,"
Ranma said. "You were six when we left, I was only three."
"Well... if you're nervous, we could wait a few days..."
Kasumi suggested. "Nothing's making us introduce ourselves into
the family on our first day back in Tokyo..."
"I'm not nervous," Ranma said. "Besides, we've been waiting
long enough to come home... let's get on with it."
Kasumi nodded, and knocked on the door.
"Who can we expect to see again?" Ranma asked.
"Well..." Kasumi thought, tapping her chin with a finger.
"There's our parents... I have two sisters, Nabiki and... Akane,
yes. And I think you have a sister. I recall her owning an
easy-bake oven and crying when nothing cooked right."
"Just a sister, then," Ranma said. "I don't remember mother
much, but I remember Dad, at least. He had glasses and was
really loud."
Kasumi nodded. "He doesn't have any hair, either."
"That should do for initial recognition, then," Ranma said,
straightening out his shirt for the nth time. "I just hope they
recognize us."
The door opened, Kaneda looking outside. "Yes, what can I
do for you?"
Kasumi paused. She didn't have any brothers... "Excuse me,
this IS the Saotome-Tendo Dojo, yes?"
"That's right. Are you two looking for training?" Kaneda
asked. "We're at dinner at the moment, but considering the
nonnegative, nonpositive number of students we have, I'm sure Mr.
Tendo would be very pleased to see you--"
"He's here right now?" Kasumi asked, perking up.
"Yup. We--"
"DADDY!!" she yelled, bowling Kaneda over on her beeline
path towards the dining room. Kaneda blinked before hitting the
floor.
"Sorry about that," Ranma said, helping him to his feet.
"She's been waiting awhile for this..."
"Who're you, anyway?" Kaneda asked, dusting his apron off.
"Saotome Ranma," Ranma said, bowing. "Pleased to meet you,
Mr...?"
"S...Saotome," Kaneda said. "Saotome Kaneda..."
"Huh? I thought I had a sister."
Kaneda groaned. "Is this another prank by those twits at
Furinkan? Tell them I'm perfectly happy being a MALE cook, thank
you, and they can stuff themselves--"
"No, no, not a prank," Ranma insisted. "I'm Saotome Ranma. Do
you remember me at all?"
"We gave at the office," Kaneda said, shutting the door in
his face and returning to the dinner table. You get all kinds of
wackos in Nerima, he thought.
(This, in general, was true. Nerima was a magnet for mania
and chaos, compared to the relative peace of other Tokyo suburbs.
Unfortunately, one side effect of this is the inability to
distinguish between 'Neriman Unreality' and 'Reality'. Thus
leaving a highly confused Ranma to stand on the dojo stoop, not
sure what he should be doing.)
The dining room was more confusing than the front door,
unfortunately.
"Wha... what do you mean, you're not my mother?" Kasumi
asked Nodoka, sitting in Soun's lap.
"I'm Mrs. Saotome, dear," Nodoka said.
"Where's my mother, then? I've been gone so long, I hoped
she'd be here when I got back..."
"Didn't you know that mom died?" Nabiki asked.
(dramatic pause)
'died?' Kasumi asked, in a really tiny voice. Then the
sobbing started.
"Saotome, I thought you said we'd never see Ranma or Kasumi
again!" Mr. Tendo asked, cuddling his daughter.
"I d-didn't think we would..." Genma stammered. "I mean,
the master DID say he was going to take them away forever..."
"Alright, WHAT is going on here?!" Akane demanded, slamming
a fist against the table. Most of the dishes jumped. "I don't
like being confused. Dad! Mr. Saotome! EXPLAIN!"
"I'm confused too," Kaneda said, rejoining the others at the
table. "Who's this girl?"
"This... this is our long lost daughter, Tendo Kasumi," Soun
said.
"We have another sister?" Nabiki asked, quirking an eyebrow.
"Wow, dad, I didn't know you had it in you."
"It's not like that!" Soun protested. "It's.... we just
lost her at a early age, and thought she'd never return... so we
decided not to mention her again, so the pain wouldn't
resurface..."
"Mom's DEAD?!" Kasumi asked again, looking up for a moment
from her crying spree.
"I think a history lesson is required," Kaneda said. "Let's
get this out in the air. Why haven't we heard of a Tendo Kasumi
before?"
"Because my baka husband went and made possibly one of the
stupidest promises of his life, that's why," Nodoka said, more or
less to herself, but probably more to others. "His perverted,
slimeball martial arts sensei demanded his first born child, as
well as Mr. Tendo's, and naturally my darling husband agreed
without so much as a verbal protest."
"He wouldn't let us leave otherwise!" Genma rebutted,
standing up.
"So why didn't you two just beat him up or bury him under a
mountain or whatever?!" Nodoka asked, getting up to match Genma's
glare.
"We TRIED. We had him drunk, sealed in a barrel, strapped
with dynamite, dumped in a cave and sealed up with a ward-coated
boulder," Genma said. "That didn't work. Even under all THAT,
the best trap we could make, he got out. We realized how
hopeless it was to lose the master after that point... how we'd
be locked in servitude and training until the end of time... we
got off LUCKY by exchanging our future children for our freedom!"
Nabiki turned to Akane. "Are you following this?" she
whispered.
"Not really, but I'm guessing we'll have everything figured
out later," Akane said. "Plus... it's not healthy to interrupt
while Mr. and Mrs. Saotome are in another of their fights..."
"Surely you could have found another way than giving up my
baby boy!" Nodoka said. "AND your best friend's baby girl...
taken away at such a tender age when your stupid 'MASTER' came a-
knockin'..."
"You don't know Happousai! He'd never stop training us if
we didn't give him replacements. You should be happy I did make
that promise, or you and I would never have been able to marry
and lead a normal life! Anyway, that's not a problem anymore, is
it?" Genma pointed out. "Kasumi and Ranma are back now, and...
my god... is HE with you, Kasumi-chan? The master?"
Kasumi looked up from her father's chest long enough to
shake her head.
"Good. Umm," Genma stopped. "Where's Ranma?"
All eyes swivelled to Kaneda, who was too busy stuffing his
face to pay attention.
"Oh, Kaneda-chan?" Nabiki inquired, smiling evilly.
"Doff calf me fhat," Kaneda sort-of said, between bites. "What
now?"
"Was there another boy who showed up with Kasumi?"
Kaneda paused. "Wait, you mean this 'long lost brother'
story is true?"
Everybody nodded. Very. Slowly.
"Oops," Kaneda mumbled.

*

After Kaneda opened the door to a very grumpy looking Ranma,
mumbling apologies and begging forgiveness, the reunion
commenced.
Akane had cooked enough food to give everybody a decent
sized meal, despite the two new mouths to feed. This is because
Mr. Saotome typically eats enough to feed three people. Kasumi
gradually calmed down, Ranma forgot about having the door shut in
his face, and all were in high spirits as the severed arm of the
family rejoined at the shoulder.
"We lived in Tokyo for a few years," Kasumi said, swirling a
finger in her lemonade. "It was quite nice to settle down and go
to school, instead of wander the open road and get into trouble."
"I fear the many horrors you befell at the hands of the
Master," Soun said gravely. "I hope you were not overly
traumatized..."
"Eh, you gradually get used to the old bugger," Ranma said.
"Ranma, your language," Kasumi warned.
"Ack. Sorry, Oneechan."
Oneechan? Several minds thought. Kasumi continued. "Anyway,
while there, we noticed other Tendos and Saotomes in the
phone book... we were going to visit earlier, but Happousai
picked that moment to take a training trip to China, where--"
"Do we have any more cookies?" Ranma asked, pushing crumbs
around on the plate.
"Yeesh, Ranma, you eat like a horse," Akane commented.
"I haven't had a decent meal in days," Ranma said. "So, the
more food I can get, the better."
"Food?" Kaneda asked, perking up. "Just ONE second!"
Before anyone could stop him, he was in and out of the
kitchen, now carrying a dented tin tray, covered in Saran Wrap.
"Voila!" he said, pulling the plastic covering off, like
ripping the skin off a decaying animal. "Kaneda's Brownie
Surprise."
"I'm afraid of anything you make that has the word surprise
embedded in it," Nabiki said. "And those aren't very brown. More
of a mauve."
"Nobody said brownies had to be brown, Nabiki," Kaneda said
icily. "Bro, want one?"
"Ummm... I'll pass," Ranma said. "Thanks for the offer,
though."
"I'll take one, Kaneda-kun," Kasumi said, smiling sweetly.
"No! Kasumi! I don't want to lose you so soon after your
return!" Soun gasped. A brownie smacked him upside the face with
a sickly SPLUT, Kaneda growling. Kaneda carved/spooned out a
lump of brownie for Kasumi, placing it on a plate.
"Anyway, how did you two manage to leave the Master?" Genma
asked, eyeing the brownie wearily.
"After we got back from China, Happy caught on to our notion
of visiting you guys," Ranma said. "He announced his intentions
to take us to some place called New York for combat survival
training. I think that was the breaking point... I couldn't take
training life anymore. So, while at the airport, Kasumi and I
stuffed him into a large trunk, pop-riveted it shut, and gave it
to Customs. I don't think we'll ever see him again."
"Still, we must be on our toes constantly," Genma warned,
taking on the tone of a typical wise father figure. "The Master
is a wily demon. Why is Kasumi turning purple?"
"KASUMMIII!!!" Soun freaked, grabbing for his daughter. Kasumi
wobbled around slightly, then finally swallowed the
congealed lump of brownie. Her color returned to normal.
"Needs sugar," Kasumi said.
"Needs... sugar..." Kaneda wrote down. "Okay, thanks."
"You know, Tendo, now that Ranma and Kasumi have returned to
us, we could finally fulfill that promise..." Genma suggested.
"Promise?" Nodoka asked, looking up. "You made ANOTHER
promise? Who do they have to be enslaved to now?"
"It was a perfectly harmless promise, dear," Genma smiled.
"You'd approve. In an effort to ensure our families continued
happiness an prosperity, we decided to marry Ranma to one of
Tendo's daughters!"
"What?!" Akane gasped.
"Oh, good, he didn't mean me," Kaneda said, relieved. "Anybody
else want a brownie?"
"Whoa, umm, what?" Ranma asked. "Married?"
"That's right, my boy. Well... we KNEW that eventually the
Master would return for you, but dammit, I was so proud the night
you were born that Tendo and I decided to link our families
together."
"How many drinks did you have before you made this promise,
dear?" Nodoka asked.
"Just seven, why?"
"That's right, Saotome," Soun nodded. "And now on this
joyous day that your boy has returned, we can finally see our
dream through! Go ahead, Ranma, pick one."
"Pick one what?" Ranma asked, dense.
"He means pick a wife, bro," Kaneda said. "Want a brownie?"
"But... I don't WANT to get married!" Ranma said. "I barely
know any of you, besides..."
"That goes double for me," Nabiki said. "Sorry, Dad, but
I'll have no part of this. I've got too much to do with my life
to get married at the moment. You'll just have to go with
Akane."
"WHAT?!" Akane gasped. Again.
"Or Kasumi," Nabiki shrugged.
"Me, marry oneechan?" Ranma asked. This whole family
reunion thing was looking less and less appealing by the minute.
"She's not your sister, Ranma," Nabiki noted.
"Yeah, but... well... we grew up together. She's
practically my sister by, whaddya call it, de jura? Or is it de
facto?"
"Then the matter is settled!" Genma smiled. "Ranma and
Akane shall wed."
"No way!" Akane exclaimed, getting to her feet. "There is
NO WAY I'm going to marry a boy I just met. He could be some
sort of hentai freak for all I know!"
"WHAT?!" Ranma yelled, jumping to his feet as well. "I am
NOT a hentai freak!"
The others instinctively backed away from Ranma and Akane,
recognizing the body positions and voice tones from one of Nodoka
and Genma's fights... and knowing it's best to be away from the
blast radius when such a fight occurs.
"You might be a mad serial chicken rapist for all I know,"
Akane said.
"And I might not be," Ranma added. "Don't go judging people
before you try to get to know them, okay? I'll have you know I'm
the greatest guy I know!"
"You're biased."
"Am not!"
"Are too!"
"Doesn't ANYBODY want a brownie?" Kaneda asked, waving the
tin pan about in the air.
Ranma paused. "No. Akane, I'm not going to argue. Look,
pop, don't push me into something like this. It ain't fair, not
on my first day home. Akane... I'd rather you not bite my head
off before you have adequate reason to."
"Well, I..." Akane started. She really didn't have a reason
to yell at Ranma... she was just startled by her dad's decision.
Inwardly, she kicked herself to attacking him like that. For all
she knew, he could be a really nice guy, and she just ticked him
off.
"I'm gonna get ready for bed," Ranma announced. "Take a
nice hot bath and hit the sack."
"Not enough hot water to draw a bath," Nabiki noted.
"Something's funny with the pipes."
Both Ranma and Kasumi panicked momentarily. Ranma, however,
regained his composure quickly. "Okay, then I'll take a COLD
bath. Yo, Kaneda, over here for a moment."
"Hungry?" Kaneda asked, hopefully.
"Not really. C'mere," Ranma motioned. Akane resumed
arguing about marriage with her father, ignoring the two boys.
"Something up?" Kaneda asked, setting the brownies down.
"Yeah... look, man, I'd like you to do me a favor," Ranma
said, looking around nervously. "I know you just met me and all,
but I'd appreciate it..."
"Might as well start off on the right foot, bro," Kaneda
suggested. "Whaddya need?"
"I gotta take a bath," Ranma said. "I've been on the road
for WAY too long and smell pretty nasty. But I need you to stand
outside the door and make sure nobody comes in."
"Eh? Why not just lock the door?"
"Because the other half of the job is to make sure I don't
come out until I'm done," Ranma said.
"What?"
"Trust me on this, bro," Ranma said. "I'm counting on you
here."

*

The human mind can forget a staggeringly wide range of
things.
For instance, Kaneda's mind, under the right conditions, can
completely forget why he's standing in front of a bathroom door.
This normally happens when an inspiration for a revolutionary new
variation of steak stir fry pops into his mind, and he bolts for
the kitchen.
Also, Akane's mind, under the right conditions, can
completely forget that Ranma had publicly announced his
intentions to shower. This normally happens when she's been busy
arguing with her father about the pluses and minuses of marriage.
Sadly, both conditions were met. While Kaneda was busy
burning meat and laying on enough spices to kill an oxen, Akane
was in the bathroom, getting ready to wash up.
When Akane slid open the door to the inner bathroom, wearing
nothing but a yellow wash towel (draped across one wrist) she was
greeted by a brown haired boy who was just getting out of the
tub. Keep in mind at this point that both of them were
completely naked to understand the reactions : one of surprise,
one of joy.
"Yowza!!" the boy exclaimed. "Come to poppa, honey buns!"

*

GLOMP.
"AIEIEEEEEEE!!!"
WHAM! POW! (CrUnCH.) WHACK! CLANGGGGG...
StompstompstompstompstompstompSKREEEeeee... (grind)
Kaneda looked up from his ingredients to track the noise,
which is good, because at that moment the dish caught on fire and
would have torched his eyebrows. He patted out the flames and
rushed from the kitchen.
"Akane?!" he asked, as the girl walked by, wearing a
bathrobe and carrying the huge wooden table she had dragged off
the floor. "What's wrong?"
"There's a PERVERT in the bathroom!!" Akane blurted. "My
god... he... he GRABBED me! I can't let him live!!!!"
Kaneda panicked, then quickly gathered his wits. "Where is
he now?"
"Still up there. I hit him until he let go," Akane said. "And
I'm going to go jam this table down his throat!"
"Let me handle this," Kaneda said, putting the obligatory
Masculine Protective Blocking Hand in front of Akane. "I'm the
man of the houOOOF"
Akane pulled her elbow out of his side. "Baka! I want to
kill him myself! After what he did..."
"This guy could be dangerous, Akane! I don't want you
getting hurt."
"And I don't want EITHER of you two getting hurt," Nodoka
said, announcing her presence to the world from a nearby doorway.
"I'll handle this."
With that, she walked across the room, with the Stomp of the
Determined Mother carrying her along. Reaching out an arm, she
plucked her katana from its usual resting place on a wall sword
rack and unsheathed it. This was not a mere katana. It was a
KATANA. Long, metal, and very, very good at cutting things.
"I'm helping," Akane announced, setting the table down in
favor of a nearby wooden mallet which had appeared out of nowhere
and unfortunately nobody noticed this fact.
"Me too!" Kaneda offered.
Akane glanced the boy over. "But you're unarmed."
"Easily fixed," he grinned, leaning into the kitchen for a
moment to pluck a four foot long metal spork off the utensil
rack. The little spiky bits in front gleamed in the light,
reflecting off the curved bowl of the spoon part. If it wasn't
for the unusual size of it, the spork would make a good cafeteria
tool.
"What's that thing?" Akane asked.
"Fighting spork," Kaneda said, gripping it in a manner
similar to his mother's sword grip. "I paid 20000 yen for it. They
make them in Switzerland. Never thought I'd get a chance to
try it out. Alright... let's go."

*

Ranma finished buttoning up his shirt when the four metal
prongs punctured the door, ripping it from its hinges.
With a twist of the waist, Kaneda flung the skewered wooden
door off to the side, letting it fling off the spork and land
somewhere near the sink. He charged in, right past Ranma,
looking for whatever hentai loon had snuck in. Nodoka and Akane
hopped in and took flanking positions on either side of the door.
"What'd he look like, Akane?" Nodoka asked.
"He was kinda skinny, had really big eyes and brown hair. And
he was drooling," Akane said, fingers gripping her mallet.
"Hey, Ranma, you see anybody matching that description up
here?" Kaneda asked.
"Err... no, why?" Ranma asked, trying not to look anybody in
the eye.
"He groped Akane," Kaneda said. "We're going to beat him
into a shapeless mass. Maybe he slipped out the window..."
"Drat!" Akane yelled, bashing a nearby roll of toilet paper
flat. (And not one of those wimpy 400 sheeters, it was a mammoth
1000 sheet roll.) "We almost had him... I should have finished
him off when I had the chance."
Nodoka lowered her sword, examining Ranma's face. "Ranma-
kun, what happened?"
"Huh?" Ranma asked, turning away.
"Your face is covered in bruises!"
"Oh, this?" Ranma laughed. "Ha ha... I slipped on a bar of
soap and fell. I'm such a klutz."
Akane's knuckles whitened on the hammer handle. "So I take
it the floor slapped you and made that handprint on your right
cheek?"
"Huh? Umm..." Ranma trailed off, unable to think of a good
excuse. Akane marched right up to him and put her hand up
against the mark, making Ranma wince in pain; it was an exact
match.
"YOU were that pervert?!" Akane screamed. "And here you
were saying you're not some hentai freak? I should have known
better! BOYS! You're all the same!"
"Wait, Akane, I--" Ranma said before Akane whammed him on
the head with a mallet. Ranma stumbled around a bit, eyes
looking in opposite directions, and collapsed.
"That was a bit unnecessary, Akane," Nodoka said, tapping
her foot on the tile.
"Eh? Oh. Sorry, auntie," Akane said, lowering the mallet
sheepishly. "But... but he deserved it!"
"Didn't you say the peeping tom had brown hair?" Kaneda
asked, bending down to examine Ranma's ponytail. "Ranma's got
black hair. Yow, look at the size of that bump..."
"Well... it happened so fast... maybe I really saw black
hair," Akane shrugged.
"Still, we had better get Ranma downstairs," Nodoka said.
"Kaneda, grab a spare cot and pillow. Akane, get a wet
washcloth. It's bad for someone with a head injury to lie on
hard tile like that."

*

Nodoka's sword was back on the wall, as was Kaneda's
ridiculous weapon. Akane's mallet went... somewhere.
"I don't get it," Kaneda said, adding more ice to the bag on
Ranma's head. The boy was still out cold. "Akane's assailant
didn't look like Ranma, but Ranma claimed nobody matching that
description was in there. So where was Ranma?"
"It's GOT to be him," Akane said, pointing. "No way it
couldn't have. I am NOT going to marry that jerk."
"Something is missing from the story," Nodoka said. "I
mean... well, Ranma seemed perfectly social and normal earlier. I
was worried he might turn into a hentai, actually..."
"Why's that?" Kaneda asked.
"See, my husband's sensei is... was something of a dirty old
man," Nodoka explained. "Actually, more like the embodiment of
six dirty old men. I was always worried that somewhere out
there, he was turning my child into a deviant, mixing his own
immoral teachings into my son's training instead of socially
acceptable norms. So before the kids left, I asked Kasumi to
make sure that Happousai never turned my Ranma into a hentai. I
figured it worked after seeing him today, quite a normal, healthy
boy..."
"With unhealthily healthy urges," Akane grumbled.
"What went wrong?" Nodoka wondered aloud.
"Shouldn't Ranma be breathing?" Kaneda asked.
"Maybe Kasumi couldn't stop him," Akane wondered. "The man
DID sound powerful, from what I've been hearing..."
"Possibly, yes," Nodoka nodded. "It was wrong of me to ask
such a little girl of such a large favor."
"I'm not really going to have to marry that freak, am I?"
Akane asked.
"Akane-chan, my son is NOT a freak," Nodoka noted.
"Sorry," Akane apologized. "But... still, it's not serious,
is it? The marry-him-or-else thing?"
"You are honor bound, Akane," Nodoka warned. "Even if it
was under one of the most ludicrous promises I've heard yet... it
is a promise."
"But..."
"Guys, I REALLY think Ranma should be breathing," Kaneda
stated.
"Do you really hate my son that much, Akane? You barely
know him."
"Umm... but if that was him, and he is like that... I don't
want to spend the rest of my days with a maniac," Akane said.
"Then I'd suggest you wait and hear the full story."
"GUYS!" Kaneda waved frantically.
"Hai, auntie. I'll wait."
"Good."
"HELLO! Yoo hoo!" Kaneda shouted.
"What?" Nodoka asked, looking up.
"Ranma's not breathing," Kaneda repeated.
Akane slammed a fist against Ranma's chest. Ranma jolted
slightly, eyes snapping open like a firecracker, and resumed
normal oxygen exchanges.
"Ghghrhhghll?" Ranma asked.
"Wake up, you," Akane glared.
"What... oh," Ranma said, memory of his last memory hitting
him as hard as it originally had. "Umm."
"Explain," Akane demanded.
"Well, it's a rather long story... well, no, it's a short
story, but I really wish it was long because I don't like to tell
people because it's not a GOOD story so it's short but it's not
long and--"
"Son, you're babbling," Nodoka noted.
"I am, yeah," Ranma nodded, propping himself up by the
elbows. He turned to Kaneda. "Hey, weren't YOU supposed to be
watching the door, BRO?"
"I, umm, got distracted," Kaneda said sheepishly.
"Ranma-kun, did you really grope Akane?" Nodoka asked.
"NO!" Ranma defended. "I mean, no, I'd never do that,
especially considering what a violent person she is--"
"VIOLENT?!?!!" Akane yelled, rebutting the point.
"Then who did?" Nodoka asked.
"Ataru did it!!" Ranma said. "He did it, not me! I swear,
it wasn't my fault, I can't DO anything about it, alright? I'm
not him, no matter what it may look like!"
As the conversation teetered over the edge and fell directly
into the Twilight Zone, most sentences stopped before being said.
Instead, facial expressions must be used; Akane's look of anger
and confusion... Nodoka's look of calm resolution and confusion..
Kaneda's look of just confusion... and Ranma's look of total
embarrassment.
And, of course, Kasumi's sleepy yet alert look as she
wandered downstairs, keeping a blanket wrapped around herself.
"What's all the fuss down here about?" she asked, rubbing
her eyes.
"Kasumi, could you explain to them what happened when the
old freak dragged us to China?" Ranma asked, pointing to the
group (but mostly to Akane). "I don't want ANOTHER person
thinking I'm a pervert!"
Kasumi sighed, and turned to Akane. "I take it you met
Ataru."
"Who?" Akane asked.
"Well, it's like this..."

*

Picture a foggy day in China. The fog in particular is
clustered around a large group of natural springs, each with a
sign pole sticking out of them. These are not normal pools; they
are the springs of Jusenkyo, where each pool has a curse that
will change you into another form when doused in cold water.
Fortunately, each pool is clearly labelled, and warning
signs are posted in at least thirty different languages, telling
EXACTLY what the effects are of landing in a pool of water. They're
even color coded; the majority in blue, which were simple
body change pools. Some in yellow, being pools that add to your
body, or compound curses (such as Drowned Yeti Riding Crane
Holding Snake). Plus, there are the few red ones, the Occupation
And/Or Archetype Pools, such as Drowned Buddhist Monk or Drowned
Virtuous Man. Clearly, Jusenkyo is a dangerous place, and any
idiot could see that from the sheer number of warnings pasted on
it.
Today, the signs are absent.
The Jusenkyo guide tossed a sign reading 'Spring of Drowned
Lawyer' in chinese onto his fire, huddling around it for warmth.
"Very bad winter, this is," he said aloud. (You tend to
talk to yourself when kept isolated in the mountains for several
decades.) "Almost out of wood for fire! What I do if run out?
Maybe poles work as good as signs..."
"HELLO!!!" a whiny, nasal voice called, rapping on his hut
door sharply. "We're here to train! Up and attem!"
The Guide panicked, hearing a voice other than his own for
the first time in months, and tore the door open. Before him
were two teenagers, and some... thing. Possibly human. It was
smoking a pipe.
"Which way to the training grounds?" Happousai asked,
puffing. "I've got two slacker students here to beat some sense
into!"
"Slackers?" Ranma asked, perking an eyebrow. "You call
twenty four hour a day fasting and training slacking?"
"Ah! Sirs, you in luck. Training ground reopen today
after, ah, renovation," the Guide grinned. "This way, sirs."
"I don't see why we had to come all the way to China," Ranma
said, picking his way across the mountain landscape, led by the
Guide. "I was just getting used to living in a city. Tokyo's
rather nice."
"So is going to school," Kasumi nodded. "There's so much I
have still to learn that you can't learn on the road."
"Bah! Education in anything other than martial arts is
highly overrated," Happousai spat. "Now, THIS is education.
Danger, strategy, the smell of sweat in the morning air and the
smack of fist on fist... My boy, today I will pass onto you my
ultimate technique."
"What, that grenade thing?"
"Not that, m'boy, but the technique I have yet to
successfully impart to my students... the one which will mark you
as the TRUE heir to my Anything Goes Martial Arts," Happousai
grinned. "I call it... THE GLOMP OF DEATH."
Pause.
"What a stupid name," Ranma commented, earning a whack to
the back of the head with Happy's pipe.
"It's your refusal to heed my advice that gets you into
trouble, m'boy. Why are you so hesitant to learn my techniques?"
"Because most of them involve theft of underwear, groping of
women, theft, cheating, jaywalking, arson, or are generally
tasteless, that's why. I won't let you turn me into a hentai
like you." Ranma said.
For a change, the master didn't immediately thrash Ranma for
his blasphemies. In fact, he smiled.
That's when Kasumi first knew something was wrong. She had
done her best to keep Happousai's teachings from screwing up
Ranma's ability to interact with normal humans, on a promise to
his mother... a promise she had kept to this very day. Not an
easy promise to keep; she'd had to re-teach Ranma in gender roles
and social norms back when he was little, often confusing the
poor boy to the point of tears. But it had worked. Ranma now
had a very good sense of right and wrong, deviance and normality.
But that smile, that was the smile of Happousai planning
something, like the time he cleaned out an All You Can Eat
Okonomiyaki Shop and left THEM to wash dishes. Kasumi
instinctively heightened her senses and reflexes, waiting to see
what the senior citizen had in mind.
"Lovely weather, ne?" Kasumi noted, trying to change the
subject.
"Oh, certainly! China is lovely in winter," Happousai
nodded. "All those mountains, peaks capped in white, standing
out in pairs... ah, I love mountain climbing. In factURRRKK"
"I've never been much for climbing," Kasumi stated, her fist
neatly intercepting Happousai before he could clamp himself to
her breasts. The master slid off her knuckles slowly.
"So what's this Glomp of Death whatsit, anyway?" Ranma
asked.
"Here sirs, we gone to land of cursed spring -- Jusenkyo!"
the Guide pointed, with a flourish. Kasumi perked an eyebrow at
the CURSED part, but returned her attention to Ranma and
Happousai.
"It's a technique. An ULTIMATE technique. A blow of death,
if you will, only obtainable by true masters of my art... I
myself have only managed to do it thrice," Happousai recanted.
"However, I have figured out the way for you to be able to do
it... do it perhaps even better than I! And thus I proudly teach
you this technique."
"Yeah, whatever," Ranma said. "What do I do first?"
But by then, he was already airborne, flying through the air
via Happy's pipe, headed straight for a pool that Happy had
picked out himself...

*

"Hentainiichuan," Ranma said.
"Hentwhat?"
"Hentainiichuan. Spring of Drowned Pervert. And now,
whenever you hit me with cold water, I turn into... into someone
else," Ranma grumbled, looking away from Akane.
Kasumi nodded. "If I had known about what sensei was
planning, I would have stopped him... I am sorry, Mrs. Saotome. I
failed in keeping my promise to you not to let him turn Ranma
into a deviant..."
Nodoka patted Kasumi's shoulder. "It's alright, Kasumi-
chan. You didn't know. There's nothing you could have done."
Akane was considerably less sympathetic. Blind Rage would
probably be a better term for it. "YOU! So it WAS you who
jumped out of the tub and grabbed me..."
"No, it wasn't!" Ranma said, anger in his voice. "Look,
this wasn't a normal Jusenkyo pool. Usually you just turn into
dogs and bears and chickens and things, but this was rare one, a
personality pool. When you hit me with cold water, not only do I
look like someone else, but my MIND changes, alright? I'm not me
anymore, I'm some guy we've been calling Ataru so no women come
looking for Ranma to get their panties back--"
"You steal underwear?" Akane asked, horrified.
"Not me! That's my point! I'm Jekyll and Hyde now. I
didn't grope you, HE did."
"Bah! What a cop out. You're just trying to cover up your
own weirdness with some ridiculous story," Akane accused.
"Yeesh, I tell you the truth and you say I'm an out and out
liar? Jeez, you're such a thickheaded tomboy!"
That's when Akane hit him with the table.
"You didn't have to do that, Akane," Nodoka said.
"He called me a... a TOMBOY!" Akane protested, letting go of
the table edge. Ranma offered no protest beyond the wheezes of a
man knocked unconscious. "The nerve of it. And I am NOT
thickheaded or violent."
"Well, you did whack him one earlier," Kaneda noted, but
quickly shut up when Akane cast him her best 'Do Not Mess With
Me' glare.
"Anyway, Ranma-kun has had a very hard time since," Kasumi
explained. "Whenever it rains, for example, his alter ego comes
out and runs amok... stealing underwear, peeking under skirts,
swiping dirty manga from stores, and generally causing a lot of
chaos. Fortunately, hot water turns him back to normal, but it
doesn't wash the pain away."
"Wow. That's very deep and poetic," Kaneda noted.
"He's the one who said it," Kasumi said, pointing to... the
table. "Although I think he was referring to the pain of being
beaten up by angry women more. There's no known cure for this,
although I think when we mashed sensei into a pulp and sent him
to Brazil in a handbag, it perked Ranma up a little."
"See, Akane-chan, it's not his fault for what he did,"
Nodoka reiterated. "You shouldn't hold it against him."
"Well... he... he STILL called me a tomboy," Akane reminded.
"And that was when he was 'himself'. Plus, I don't know if I buy
this 'not in control of myself' thing. It sounds too easy. Maybe
he's just faking that so he can do whatever he wants when
he changes bodies."
"I don't think so--" Kasumi started.
"Freak by choice or not, he's a freak, and I'm not gonna
marry him," Akane said, determined. "He's everything I hate
about boys. Call the wedding off. I don't know why I even
considered taking it seriously in the first place!"
Before anybody could object, Akane got to her feet and
stomped off to her room, causing a few floorboards to warp from
the impact tremors.
"Is she always like this?" Kasumi asked.
"Lately, yeah," Kaneda said. "I mean, at least around boys.
She's had some problems at school with them."
"But you're a boy, Kaneda."
"Ah, well, I guess it's different," Kaneda said, then
quickly changed the subject. "I think we'd better get the table
off my bro, you think?"

*

Nabiki yawned. "I oughtta be charging extra, considering
the hour. I need my sleep for that economics test tomorrow,
Akane."
"If I HAD any extra money, maybe you could charge for it. For
now, 500 yen will have to do. So is there an entry or not?"
Nabiki slapped the EJECT button on her CD-ROM. "This is an
older CD of Compton's. See the label? 1992. I don't think
it'll be on this. What's it called again? Jusenkyo? How do I
spell that?"
"Look under myths," Akane suggested.
"Myths. Alright," Nabiki shrugged, pushing the drive closed
again and loading the program. "Myths. What kind? Greek,
Egyptian, Japanese, Chinese, or Suburban?"
"Suburban myths?"
"You know, like the hook on the car door handle and the dog
that got microwaved and that whole rock candy and soda thing."
"Chinese. Definitely chinese."
"Chinese myths, okay. Starts with a J, right? Here it is.
Jusenkyo. Mostly harmless."
"Eh?"
"'Mostly harmless due to the signs recently added, Jusenkyo,
the training ground of cursed springs is believed to hold a
magical power of metamorphosis,'" Nabiki read from the screen.
"'Namely, whoever that falleth into a cursed pool shall take the
body of a creature that drowned there long ago.' Sounds like a
fun place for a vacation."
"According to those two downstairs, Ranma fell into one of
these pools," Akane said. "Hmm. So the place exists... does it
say anything about 'personality pools?'"
"Eh?" Nabiki blinked. "Lemme see. Mostly it's talking
about animals that drowned there, maybe a few people... this
isn't a very long entry. There's only so much space on one CD,
and people tend to look up wars and things more than myths. What's
it suppose to have? Personality pools?"
"Get this," Akane said, in a disbelieving tone. "Supposedly,
Ranma was out at this place, and fell into this
spring which turns him into a pervert when you hit him with cold
water. Stupid, huh?"
"Sounds accurate, according to this," Nabiki nodded, tapping
the screen. "Frankly, I've heard of weirder. Like all those
little guys which multiplied when you threw water on them."
"What, so you believe this?"
"No. But I'm not the one engaged to him," Nabiki grinned.
"And hey, if it is true, so what? Just don't throw water on him.
Problem solved."
"But... but... Nabiki, he's a hentai!"
"Not all the time, right? By the way, if you want marriage
counselling like this, that'll be another 500 yen."
"I'm broke, Nabiki."
Nabiki hrmmed. "It's no fun when you're broke. We can't do
anything sisterly."
"Whatever happened to family loyalty?"
"I sold it. Now, if you don't mind me asking, how're you
planning on dealing with this?"
"Aha! Give me five hundred yen first or I won't say," Akane
grinned, chuckling over her one-up on her sister.
Nabiki grinned right back and passed Akane's five hundred
yen over to her, shooting down the younger sibling's momentary
victory.
"Oh," Akane ohed. "Umm... actually, I'm not sure. I mean,
no, I'm not gonna MARRY that guy... but if what he's saying is
true... can I still hold what he did against him?"
"That'll be five hundred yen for further consulting," Nabiki
said, taking the bill back. "And the answer is no. Have a nice
day. I need to sleep."
"What, that's it? Just no?"
"If he really is a split personality, then no, you can't
blame him for what he is," Nabiki said, wandering back to her
bed. "How you deal with THAT is up to you. Good night. Go
watch some Oprah if you need more advice."

*

Kaneda skipped a stone across the Tendo pond, getting in two
skips before it ran out of water to skim across.
"I think the table was a bit much," Ranma said, trying to
ignore the throbbing bulge on the top of his head. He pitched a
stone as well, getting in four quick hops before it joined the
small pile forming on the other side of the yard.
"Hey, bro, you DID call her a tomboy," Kaneda noted. "Not
exactly the wisest of moves, you know?"
"She started it!"
"Actually, you did, in the bathroom."
"That WASN'T ME!!" Ranma yelled, getting about two
centimeters away from Kaneda's face.
"Whoa, whoa, back off, I know it wasn't you," Kaneda said,
backing off himself. "Sorry. It was just an accident, man, they
happen. I'm sure it'll fade away and be a silly memory by
morning."
"Weren't you supposed to be guarding the door so such an
accident WOULDN'T happen?"
"Um."
Ranma sighed. "No, forget that. It would have happened
eventually, I can't peg it all on you. I just wish I could have
had a chance to explain it before anybody found out."
"When were you planning on letting us know about the, ah,
third Saotome brother?"
"Um."
"Thought so. Oh well. So how much control do you have over
this other guy? Ataru, right?"
"That's what we're calling him. He seems to like the name. I
can't control him at all... I can remember what he did after I
change back, but when he's in control, it's like I'm asleep."
"That's why you wanted me to guard the door and keep him in,
right?"
"Right. Man, why couldn't I have just fallen into a NORMAL
Jusenkyo pool? Being a dog or a bear or a chicken or whatever
would be preferable."
"Bet you wouldn't like it if you fell into a spring that
turns you into a girl," Kaneda smirked.
"That'd be easier to deal with, on the whole," Ranma
grumped. "Argh. Now I need to live under the same roof as that
crazy girl. I wonder how many times she's gonna be hitting me
with that table."
"She's not that bad, really. She's just been having some
trouble at school recently with the Y chromosome."
Long pause, as both brothers thought of what to say next.
Ranma got in a six skipper which arced around the pond nicely.
"Bro, I've got an idea," Kaneda said, sinking a stone to the
bottom of the pool in a lame skip attempt. "You're home now, and
you're going to have to live with Akane--"
"I'm not gonna marry her."
"I didn't say that. Ranma, when two people don't get along,
but are forced to be together, they can either do two things;
separate, or learn to live with each other. Now, Akane isn't
leaving anytime soon, and neither are you, so the only way you
can go is to make up with her. Wouldn't you at least like to not
hate her, not have her hate you, and not get into fights all the
time?"
"It would be novel, yes," Ranma said. "I don't want to have
yet another girl hate me for having this curse. Gets to be
repetitive."
"Alright, follow me," Kaneda said, getting to his feet.
"Eh?"
"We're gonna go talk to her. But trust me on this; I've
known Akane longer than you. Do EVERYTHING I tell you to and all
will be cool. Got it?"

*

"Knock," Kaneda ordered. Ranma gave him an odd look, then
rapped quickly on Akane's door.
"Who is it?" a muffled voice from inside asked.
"It's Ranma."
"Beat it," she cheerfully offered.
"Well, that was helpful," Ranma shrugged. "So where's my
room?"
Kaneda ignored Ranma and knocked again. "Akane, it's
Kaneda. Come on, let's talk this mess over before it festers too
long, 'kay?"
"Kaneda-kun, I'm tired. Please, go away."
"Ranma's said he's sorry."
"I did?" Ranma whispered.
"Well, you will," Kaneda whispered back. "Follow my lead.
Akane? Please, can we stop in for a minute?"
Akane opened the door, checking Ranma over with an
appraising eye. "Is he Ataru or Ranma at the moment?"
"I'm RANMA," Ranma grumbled.
"Alright. You have ONE minute," Akane agreed, opening the
door. The boys entered.
"What we have here is a failure to communicate," Kaneda
said, starting off the conversation. "Or rather, a failure to
listen. Now, we've heard about Ranma's condition, which explains
what he did in the bathroom, right?"
"R..Right," Akane nodded, remembering Nabiki's encyclopedia.
"Now, let's assume the whole story is true for the moment
until we get evidence to the contrary," Kaneda suggested. "So,
you have no reason to be mad at Ranma for his actions as Ataru."
"Hey, he also called me a violent tomboy. And that's when
he wasn't in hentai mode," Akane scoffed.
"Now just wait a mi--"
"For which he's sorry," Kaneda said, cutting his brother off
sharply.
"Am not," Ranma rebuked. "SHE'S the one who still thinks
I'm a pervert."
"Ah, but you see, now that she can't legally claim that due
to innocence-by-reasons-of-insanity, that claim is null and void,
and she can retract the statement and the attacks, therefore
giving you no just cause for your counter-verbal-attack!" Kaneda
exclaimed, with a flourishing arm gesture.
Akane and Ranma blinked simultaneously.
"Umm... I mean, you're not one, so if you both take it back
we'll all be happier. How's that?"
"Huh?" Akane asked.
Kaneda groaned. "Okay. Let's do this play by play. Ranma
is not REALLY a pervert. Okay, he's one half pervert--"
"HEY!"
"--but you can't hold it against him because of the
personality split. Therefore, Akane, you have no right to go and
accuse my bro of doing stuff like that."
"But... but..." Akane started. "Well... no. But--"
"--so if Akane takes back what she said and apologizes for
hitting you, then Ranma can take back what he said about her
being violent and EVERYBODY can be happy and nice and calm. How's
THAT?"
"Me? Apologize for hitting that jerk?" Akane laughed.
"You're kidding me, bro. Like I could apologize to her
after what she did--"
Kaneda hung his head. "Now it's getting sad. You two are
that adamant about sneering at each other, huh? Bro, I thought
you said you didn't WANT to be hated."
"No, of course not, but--"
"Then why the hell are you acting so pompous?"
"Could you NOT interrupt me for a change, Kaneda?" Ranma
asked.
"Ah, forget it," Kaneda said. "Rot together for all I care.
If you're really interested in never getting along, I'm not gonna
be dragged into your eternal argument. Goodbye."
With that, Kaneda stomped out, and closed the door. The two
in the room stared at the closed door, shocked lightly at 200
volts.
"Umm," Ranma stated.
"You told him you didn't want to be hated?" Akane asked.
"Well, duh. Nobody likes that," Ranma said, with less spite
in his voice than before. "I mean, really. It's bad enough that
I have this curse, but it keeps alienating people before I even
get to know them..."
"Maybe... maybe I was a bit too quick to judge," Akane said.
"MAYBE. I mean, I haven't really seen you normal for very long.
Really."
Ranma sighed. "I've gotten worse. Much worse. Here, take
a look at this..." He rolled up his sleeve, revealing a large
bruise on his upper arm. "Got that yesterday. It was raining,
and Ataru latched onto someone in the business district and asked
her to father his children. She hit me repeatedly in the arm to
get him to go away."
"You call that a bruise? Take a look at this," Akane said,
pulling up a pajama leg to reveal a larger one on her leg. "Fight
yesterday morning at school. I was ducking to avoid a
blow and slammed my leg on the pavement. Hard concrete."
"Bah. Back of the neck, multiple scars. Rake. A week ago,
a crowd of angry women was chasing Ataru after he stole their
underwear. They caught him and pummelled him... getting me too,
obviously. Most of the other injuries faded, but the rake left a
lasting impression."
Akane winced. "That bad, huh?"
"Yeah. Makes getting hit by a large table almost seem
pleasant in return. Almost."
Akane paused. "Maybe the table was too much."
"You could say that."
"Would it help if, umm, I said I shouldn't have hit you with
it and I was sorry?"
"I'd appreciate it," Ranma said.
"Alright. I really shouldn't have smashed you with the
dining room table. Sorry."
"I guess calling you a tomboy was going too far too," Ranma
said. "I'm... sorry 'bout that too. Argh. I wish you hadn't
found out before I could properly explain the curse..."
"I know now, at least. We'd better get to bed. Hopefully
tomorrow won't be as, er, painful."
"Agreed," Ranma said. "So, no hard feelings? Or, at least,
less? We're still not getting married, of course."
"Oh, of course not. To think that dad would have the
audacity to engage me off before I could even crawl!"
"Ditto. Hmph. Well, don't worry, I doubt we're gonna give
them the satisfaction of seeing THAT lame plan go into action."
"Agreed. For now, though, you'd better get to bed, we have
school tomorrow."
"Yeah. 'night," Ranma waved.

*

"I TOLD you that would work," Kaneda said, pulling the
stethoscope away from Nabiki's wall. "A little guilt does
wonders. Now pay up."
"At least you're better at manipulation than cooking,"
Nabiki nodded, passing 500 yen to Kaneda.
"I'll ignore that crack about my food this time. I'm just
glad I averted certain disaster. Those two would've been at each
other's throats day in day out if it wasn't for me."
"It's just one night, Kaneda. Akane has mood swings that
rival most carnival rides. You never know."
"Oh, come on, Nabiki. Problem solved. After that, what
could possibly go wrong?"
Thunder ripped through the atmosphere like a garden weasel,
stabbing forks of lightning down from the heavens, illuminating
Nabiki's room with a brief flash of the fires of god.
"I hate omens," Kaneda grumbled.

%

It was still raining when the house awoke the next morning. It
was a light, cheery drizzle, not a torrential downpour. Perhaps it
could be called refreshing. It was also the first day
of school for Ranma and Kasumi at Furinkan High.
"I'm glad they're letting me into Ranma's grade," Kasumi
said, delicately eating Akane's breakfast. "With all that road
travel, I was worried they wouldn't let me into high school at
all. I'm getting old."
"Oneechan, you're not THAT old," Akane called from the
kitchen. "Honestly. Has anybody seen Ranma?"
"I think he's still asleep," Kaneda said, between bites. "Want
me to get him up?"
"Sure. I'll make our lunches," Akane said.
"Hey, I can make lunch for us if you want to wake him."
"All those in favor of letting Akane make lunch?" Nabiki
asked. Many hands were raised.
Kaneda grumbled, and headed upstairs.

*

Kaneda nudged Ranma's form with his toe. "Yo, bro, get up.
School. We need to cram some books into your head."
"Go away. I'm sick," Ranma said, pulling the covers over
his head.
"Sick?"
"Yeah. Totally ill. Go on without me, I'll be okay."
Kaneda rolled Ranma over, and put his palm over Ranma's
forehead. "No temperature. No sweats. You're not green. Get
up and get your butt to class, man."
Ranma groaned. "You really wanna know why I can't go to
school today?"
"I'll bite, why?"
"That," Ranma said, pointing a thumb to the window behind
him, which the rain was cascading down. "Lots and lots of water.
I'd rather not have Ataru show up for my first day of school. Call
it a whim."
"Oh, is that all? I'll loan you my umbrella."
"Umbrellas can be knocked away, Kaneda."
"Alright, then I'll use the umbrella, and you can have my
raincoat and hat."
"I can get splashed enough to change forms, even in a
raincoat. Or if I bend over and water runs down the back..."
"You can't exactly lounge around every day it rains, Ranma.
School doesn't work that way. Come on, get up and face the
peril."
"No, it's too perilous," Ranma complained, trying to hide
under his covers.
"Sheesh, not man enough to face a little rain?"
"What did you say?" Ranma asked, pulling down the covers.
"Well, I can understand if you're not up for the challenge,
it's perfectly normal to wuss out, given the circumstances..."
Kaneda said, trying a little of the reverse psychology that aided
him so well the previous evening.
"Hey, I'm not the one who wears a frilly apron," Ranma
laughed.
"A man can wear an apron," Kaneda said, trying to remain
calm. "It's been done before. At least I'm not afraid of the
big bad rain cloud."
"At least I don't have an EasyBake Oven."
"Hey, I'll have you know I made some really great stuff with
that oven back when I was a kid, mister water soluble!"
"Dough boy!"
"Hydrophobe!"
Both boys paused, trying to figure out which combatant the
lyrics to 'MacArthur Park' would tick off more. They decided not
to bother and just came to blows instead.

*

CRASH.
"Oh my, was that a crash?" Kasumi asked, sipping her tea.
"Sounded like furniture." WHAM! "More furniture." CRUNCH.
"Wood... no, bone..."
"What is going ON up there?" Akane asked, marching out of
the kitchen, still carrying a stirring spoon.
"Sounds like my boys are getting to know each other! Ha ha
ha! Pass the salt," Genma said.
"We don't have time for this, school is in ten minutes,"
Akane grumbled, grabbing the assortment of bentos and setting
them on the dining room table. Kasumi and Nabiki each selected
one as Akane stomped upstairs and threw open the door to Ranma's
room.
Kaneda fell back to a defensive posture, avoiding a spinning
kick aimed at his head. Ranma did the same, as the two brothers
sized each other up.
"Didn't think a cook would bother with martial arts," Ranma
said.
"I'm a Saotome. It comes naturally," Kaneda said. "Shut up
and fight!"
"Will BOTH of you cut it out?" Akane demanded, shaking her
spoon in rage. "We've gotta get moving or we'll be late for
school."
"Ranma's sick, apparently," Kaneda said.
"He seems fine to me, now come on," Akane said, grabbing
Ranma's pigtail and dragging him along.
"Whoa, Akane, wait..." Ranma trailed off, pulled along
helplessly. Kaneda darted after them, fight seeming less
important than the immediate problem.
"Akane, hold up, stop!" he called. "We gotta get our--"
"I have your lunches already, now come on, we can't be late
for your first day!" Akane said. With that, Akane and Ranma were
out the door and on the way to school.
Without raincoats.
Kaneda fetched his umbrella and raced to catch up to the
pair, but by then it was too late. Now Akane as dragging a
brown-haired boy by his collar, eyes locked firmly on the road
ahead of them.
"Akane, slow down already!" Kaneda said, stupidly holding
the umbrella over Ataru, sort of like saying 'duck!' after they
fire the rocket launcher. "We've got a problem."
"What problGYAAAH!!" Akane yelped, as Ataru peeked under her
skirt.
"Pink polka dots. They clash," he said, in a whiny voice
entirely unlike Ranma's. He pulled his head back up. "Ah, feels
great to be in the rain. Kaneda, why does it look like Akane's
about to smack me?"
"Probably because she's about to smack you." SMACK. "See?"
"I see," Ataru nodded, rubbing his cheek. "Sheesh, just
having a spot of fun, no need to get all uptight about it. So,
lead on to school! The noble profession of the student learner. Is
it co-ed? Or better yet, all-girls? I could cross dress and
sneak in! It'll be fun!"
"I had forgotten about this," Akane grumbled. "Well, not
much we can do about it now. Come on, let's get moving."
"Lead the way, O flower of the desert," Ataru bowed, using
the opportunity to sneak a peek under Akane's skirt again. "Well,
MAYBE pink works..."
"We can't let him stay like this," Kaneda sighed. "Akane,
you go ahead to school, I'll go get him some hot water..."
"Don't you have an economics test today?" Akane asked, after
clubbing Ataru with her schoolbag.
"No, that's Nabiki."
"Yeah, but you're in her class."
Kaneda paused, mouth open. "I had forgotten about that. Umm.
Can you get water? I'vegottarunnowbye." With that, he
broke into a flat out run, kicking up a small two inch tidal wave
in the street-long puddle as he went.
"Just you'n me, cutie!" Ataru beamed.
"None of that. If you touch me, I can hurt you in ways you
can't even comprehend," Akane warned. "Now let's go get you some
hot water."
"Waaah! I don't wanna turn back into that wimp Ranma!"
Ataru whined. "He's such a twit, and too depressing to boot. I
just wanna have fun! Come on, let's cut school and go party. It's
a nice day!"
"It's raining."
"My point exactly. Your bra strap is showing. No, don't
put it back, I like it."
Akane groaned. That's Ranma, she thought. I will NOT hurt
Ranma. I will NOT hurt Ranma.
Unless he makes me.
"How about this. Follow me, I know a GREAT place to cut
class," Akane lied blatantly.
"Cool!" the mindless Ataru exclaimed. "Lead on, cutie."

*

"Ah, good, he's in," Akane noted. "Come on in, Ataru. Sorry
about the eye."
"Waaah, no you're not," Ataru grumbled, rubbing his black
eye.
Actually, no, I'm not, you lecherous little spaz, Akane
thought to herself. You deserve it for pinching my rear when I
dropped my books. Hmph.
"Doctor Tofu!" Akane called. "Patient!"
"A doctor? Hey, does he have a nurse?" Ataru smiled.
Akane grinned evilly. "Oh yes, one named Betty-chan."
"Betty! Ah, a name that inspires a thousand ships to set
sail and men to march to war in her name. Quick, where is she?"
"Right behind you."
"He-LOO, Nurse!" Ataru cheered, turning around to face the
grim spectre of death staring at him with empty sockets for eyes.
It grinned in the way skeletons are great at doing.
"HELLOOOOOO!!!" Betty called, in a falsetto-Tofu voice. Ataru
screamed, scampering backwards into the door, which swung
away for him to hit the floor.
Doctor Tofu laughed, setting the skeleton aside. "Sorry to
scare you. This is Betty-chan, my skeleton. What can I do for
you?"
"We need some hot water and something for his eye," Akane
said. Doctor Tofu nodded, and went back into the clinic to fetch
them.
"Whoa, hot water? Ewwww! I hate hot water!" Ataru yelped,
in mock fear.
"We can't have YOU show up in Ranma's place for school,
Ataru," Akane said.
"Awww, why not? Ranma never lets me play. It's really sad.
Allow me a moment to ponder the injustice of it all, nustled
between your--"
Akane's foot met Ataru's face, his hands inches away from
her body.
"I've got that hot water," Doctor Tofu said, leaning in from
the doorway.
Akane grabbed the water, and doused Ataru before he could
object (or recover from the kick). Ataru's hair shifted color
and his body got more muscular, soon replaced by Ranma, who
sulked on the floor.
"I hate it when that happens," Ranma grumbled. "If you'd
have let me grab some rain gear before we left, maybe I wouldn't
have..." He took a quick inventory, with a nearby mirror. "A
black eye and a bumped nose and a slap mark on my face."
"Is there something going on here I should know about?
Akane-chan, who is this boy?" Tofu asked, pointing a tongue
depressor at Ranma.
Akane sighed. "Well, we're officially late already. Nothing
can fix that. Might as well spend some time and explain
while he bandages you up."

*

"Jusenkyo, hmm?" Tofu asked, scratching his chin. "I've
heard of it. As a legend, of course. Amazing that such a place
really exists."
"It exists," Ranma nodded, various bandages bobbing on his
head in reply as well. "You're a doctor... is there any cure for
this?"
"Possibly. If you were to go back to China and find
something similar to a 'Spring of Drowned Saint', it might
work... or it could make you a priest. Hmm. This is trickier
than a so-called 'normal' curse, you see, since it's not just a
matter of changing your body..."
"But is there a cure?" Akane asked.
"I'll look into it, Akane-chan. For now, you two need to go
to school; you're late. I'll loan you my umbrella."
"Well, on the plus side, I won't have to deal with all those
guys once I arrive," Akane smiled.
Ranma blinked. Not only at the first smile he had seen on
Akane since he arrived, but at the sentence. "What guys?"
Akane's smile dropped like a lead potato. "Trust me. You
don't want to know."

*

The entire population of Furinkan was waiting for them when
they arrived, umbrella shielding Ranma from any rain.
"Wha?" Ranma asked. "Is this an outdoor school or
something?"
"No... in fact, this is kinda unusual," Akane said. "Why
make everybody stand out in the rain?"
"Hey! Guys!" Kaneda called, wandering over to the pair.
"Guess what? Bomb scare. They're postponing classes while the
cops search the place."
"Where's your umbrella?"
"Nabiki bought it. I made eight hundred yen at the expense
of a drizzle."
"Didn't you pay a thousand yen for it at the store?" Akane
asked.
"..." Kaneda replied.
"Looks like we struck it lucky, then!" Ranma grinned. "We're
not going to be late. This is a good thing."
"Not quite..." Akane said, looking at the crowd nervously.
"Why?" Ranma asked. "Hey, why're all those guys in sports
uniforms headed this way?"
"Oh, great. Here they come. I'll hold your bag, Akane,"
Kaneda sighed, taking her schoolbooks. "Better hop to it."
Akane nodded, growling. "Stupid BOYS..."
The Furinkan clock tower read 9:30 as the fight began.
Ranma stared in awe as Akane rushed the mob, plowing her way
through it like a Saturn-V rocket into foam rubber. Boys fell on
either side of her as she punched, kicked and bodyslammed the
crowd. The parts of the student body that were not in the fight
hooted madly and cheered Akane on while Nabiki took bets beneath
her new umbrella.
"What the--?" Ranma gaped.
"Oh, she does this every morning," Kaneda said, trying to
squeeze under Ranma's umbrella. "All because of that stupid
challenge."
"Challenge?" Ranma asked, trying to ignore the sound of
bones breaking.
"Yeah. The current head of the SGA is this repulsively
egotistical jerk called Kunou Tatewaki," Kaneda said. "Anyway,
this Kunou guy has a thing for Akane--"
"For HER?"
"Yeah, for her. But so does half the male population of
Furinkan. So, every morning they fight for the honor of dating
her..."
Ranma watched Akane trash athlete after athlete, often
taking two birds out with one blow by employing Saotome School of
Throwing People At Other People techniques. "I guess she really
doesn't want a date."
"The whole deal has sort of turned her off from our gender.
That's primarily why she reacted so negatively to you yesterday.
Ah, good, she's done."
Ranma's eyes strayed from the pile of broken bodies to the
Furinkan clock tower. It was now 9:31.
Damn, he thought, she's GOOD. For a girl.
"Honestly!" Akane exclaimed. "When will these bakas just
GIVE UP..."
Ranma noticed the blur of an incoming weapon before Akane
did. "AKANE! LOOK OUT!"
Akane snagged the rose out of the air, stopping its
movement. Thunder crackled overhead.
"Hey, who's that?" Ranma asked, pointing to the guy that was
emerging dramatically from his hiding place in the all-concealing
shadows.
"That would be Kunou," Kaneda said. "Hey, scoot over, share
the umbrella. He typically fights her last. He never wins."
"What's he saying?"
"Just some poetic junk. He's really into drama. Ah,
there's the lightning thing again, no idea how he does that..."
The school bell rang. Whoever was left standing started
filing back into the school, leaving the victims to be carted
away to the infirmary. Within moments, it was just Kaneda,
Akane, Ranma and Kunou. Ranma took Akane's bag from Kaneda and
wandered over to her side, staying under the umbrella.
"Akane, come on, we're gonna REALLY be late if we don't get
moving," Ranma said, passing the bag and grabbing her hand.
"You there!" Kunou said, in a deep bass voice. His wooden
swordpoint strayed to a place six inches from Ranma's chest.
"You're being rather familiar with Akane, are you not? Who are
you?"
"Ranma, don't bug me, I'll finish this soon," Akane hissed
under her breath.
"Me? I'm--"
"Ah, but is it not custom to give one's own name first?"
Kunou asked. "Very well, mine I shall give! I am the
undisputed--"
"Can't talk, we're late," Ranma said, leading Akane towards
the door. Kunou paused, dumbfounded, before dashing to intercept
them.
"You dare interrupt my introduction? The very level of your
rudeness amplifies the rudeness therein," Kunou warned. "Kunou
Tatewaki will not withstand such insolence from a lowly freshman.
Who are you, knave?"
"If I tell you, will you go away?"
"This is a point which remains to be seen, cur."
"I'm Saotome Ranma," Ranma said. "If you want to continue
your monologue, drop by the Tendo Dojo later today, where I'm
staying. For now, class is starting. Seeya."
Kunou's eyes widened in terror. "Under the same roof as the
noble Akane?!"
Ranma ignored the frantic hand signals from both Akane and
Kaneda to shut up and go inside, and decided to play along with
this creep's questions. "Yeah, that's right. I'm staying there
now. You gotta problem with that?"
Kaneda shrugged, and headed inside. He had a test to take,
slaughter aside. Between Kunou and Akane's punishments, he hoped
that after Ranma's first week here there'd be enough left of his
brother to pick up with a sponge.
"Kunou, ignore him, okay?" Akane requested. No, demanded.
"He's not a threat to you."
"Anyone who contemplates sharing the inner sanctuary of
Tendo Akane must be worthy of such a gift," Kunou said sternly.
"He's just staying at my house with his family. It's not
like I'm engaged to him," Akane shrugged.
"I thought you were," Ranma said, without ANY forethought
involved. Akane smacked her forehead in disgust.
That tore it. Something in Kunou's mind snapped like a
twig, and it wasn't his inner child. More than likely, it was
his temper.
"You WHAT?!" Kunou growled, letting the last word roll from
one side of his mouth to the other. "You dare pretend to be
worthy of the hand of the most noble Tendo Akane?!"
"No, man, you got it all wrong! It was my baka father's
idea to engage us--"
"So you ARE ENGAGED? INSOLENT WHELP! You hound Akane and
dare to show your face before me? Kunou Tatewaki shall bring you
to justice! Prepare yourself!!!"
With that, Kunou lunged with his bokken. Ranma sidestepped
easily, maintaining an iron hard grip on his umbrella. Now,
under normal circumstances, Ranma would have just loved to trash
this fool. However, he thought, not only was he late, but
fighting while trying to keep an umbrella over your head is
rather tricky for anybody except that guy in junior high...
whatever. He simply didn't have the time.
Kunou, however, didn't give a damn about the rain or the
time, and kept up a relentless attack. Ranma hopped around,
dodging the blows as Kunou left large gashes in the landscape...
cutting down trees that had stood for hundreds of years,
demolishing walls, slicing open a water fountain--
Ranma panicked and leapt away from the water spurt,
balancing his umbrella to block the fountain flow and the rain.
This also left him wide open for an attack... a hole which Kunou
slid into to take advantage of...
"RANMA!" Akane called. But by then it was too late; Ranma
was destined to be Saotome on a Stick(tm).
Unless, of course, a forearm were to stick itself out to
intercept Kunou's head and clock him one across the noggin. A
leg swept out to knock him off his feet as well, with a final
blow to the back of the neck while he was in midair to put him
under the weather for awhile.
"Oh my, hope I didn't hurt him too much..." Kasumi pondered
aloud, shifting seamlessly from an attack posture to a posture of
worry. "You two should go to class. I was wondering why you
hadn't come in yet."
"Thanks, oneechan!" Ranma smiled, regaining his balance. He
and Akane got inside while the gotting was good.
Kunou stirred, fighting to regain his senses. He shook his
head clear of the fuzz that had formed in it, and slowly focused
on Kasumi.
"I'm so sorry about that, but you really shouldn't be
fighting during class," Kasumi said, bending over to help Kunou
up. "It's not right."
"Who... who are you?" Kunou asked, stunned.
"Tendo Kasumi," Kasumi said, bowing. She waved goodbye and
headed back inside the building, off to class.
She?
SHE had launched those blows which had reduced the great
Kunou Tatewaki to a crumpled heap on the ground?!
She was formidable... perhaps even... MORE formidable than
Akane!
Kunou staggered into school, dazed, thoughts of Tendo Kasumi
reeling through his head...

*

"You didn't have to butt in on my fight, you know," Akane
hissed, hiking her arms up a bit as the weight of her water
bucket pulled on them. "I could've beaten him and made it to
class in time without anybody getting in the way."
"Why don't you just tell those guys you don't want to date
them and get it over with?" Ranma asked.
"Eh? Who told--"
"Kaneda."
"Oh. I TRIED saying no. The mob that attacks me every day
doesn't really care, though, not after Kunou proclaimed that
anybody who beat me could date me..."
"Why on earth do they want to date you, anyway?"
"Not a cl-- hey. Are you saying I'm ugly again?" Akane
asked.
"I didn't say that," Ranma denied. "I'm just wondering why
half the male population chose a single girl to chase."
"Don't ask me. Maybe it was Kunou's speech. Maybe I'm just
not lucky. Either way, now those IDIOT boys attack me every
morning. It's getting annoying. I *hate* boys."
"I can see why. Sheesh. That Kunou jerk must be pretty
obsessed to go THAT nuts after finding out we're engaged."
Suddenly, both sliding windows in the classroom behind them
FWIPped open, students jamming through the small openings,
shouting and yelling.
"Akane! You got engaged? That's great!"
"Ranma, you jerk! *I* want to be engaged to her!"
"So how long have you known him?"
"Is he a good kisser?"
"It's so beautiful..."
"That's my pancreas you elbowed, pal."
"This is so exciting!"
"Hey, Ranma, does this mean you're gonna die at the hands of
Kunou now? Can I take bets?"
"Where's Nabiki? I'd like to bet on that!"
"That WASN'T my elbow."
"Whoa! Wait! Stop! It's not like that!" Ranma protested,
backing off from the thundering horde of students.
Akane narrowed her eyes at Ranma. "Sheesh, you'd think
after the first time you'd learn to SHUT UP about that. What
happened to 'We're not getting married'?"
"We're NOT! Hey, you, let go of me. Don't you people have
anything better to do right now?" he shouted to the crowd.
Why can't Ranma keep his big mouth SHUT?! Akane growled in
her mind. At least Kunou's out of earshot. I hope.

*

"Tatewaki!"
"Sir!" Kunou blurted, looking up from his notes.
"I asked you a question," the teacher repeated, tapping a
ruler in his palm.
"Umm..."
"Problem?"
"No, I am merely searching the contents of my vast memorium
to formulate an answer which is--"
"Anybody else?" the teacher asked the class. Someone raised
a hand, and the teacher thankfully left.
Kunou stared down at his notes. They weren't notes, per se,
as much as the deranged scrawls of a man torn. KASUMI. AKANE.
KASUMI. AKANE. KASUMI. AKANE, repeated over and over again over
his half-hearted scribblings about the Shinto Plains.
Who was this mystery woman, whence came out of the blue to
fill his days with light? Lovely and noble Kasumi, the one with
skills beyond compare, the one he had exchanged eighteen
beautiful words with?
Of course, he was Kunou Tatewaki. Information would not be
denied to him. Given Kasumi's family name, perhaps information
was sitting one row over, even.
"Tendo Nabiki, I have a question for you," Kunou said,
leaning across the aisle.
Nabiki looked up from her tightly organized and cross
indexed notes. "Hai, Kunou-chan?"
"Why did you not tell me you had a second sister?"
"Oh, her? I take it you met Kasumi. She just showed up
yesterday. Long Lost Tendo, as it were."
A sign! Truly her arrival from parts unknown was a sign
that she was here as a gift from the gods. Blessed was Kunou!
"If I were to impart a message to you, Tendo Nabiki, would
you be so noble enough to deliver my words to your other sister?"
Kunou asked, pulling out his Ink Kit.

*

School ended, relatively uneventful after the morning
madness. The rain cleared up, and Ranma walked home safely with
his siblings and siblings de facto. (or is it de jura?)
"Alright, I promise I won't let it slip again," Ranma said,
flashing a boy scout salute. "I didn't realize it was that big a
deal."
"You'll probably realize tomorrow, when all my self
appointed suitors start going after YOU, too. GYAAAHHH!!!" Akane
screamed, smashing up another series of bricks into shrapnel.
"Bricks don't hit back, you know."
"I know. I'm just working on my strength."
"Strength isn't much use if you can't hit anything that
won't hold still."
"Hmph. I can certainly hit moving objects. I AM a martial
artist, after all."
"Alright, prove it. Smack me one," Ranma said, getting up.
"Nani?"
"Come on, let's give it a go. See if you can even touch
me," Ranma grinned.
"Easy enough," Akane shrugged, launching a fist at Ranma
head, which he easily ducked. She paused, then tried a kick,
which Ranma bent backwards to avoid.
Four eyes watched the pair go through a fight without a
single connecting blow.
"I told you things weren't that good between them," Nabiki
said. "I don't think it's possible to erase all of their fun-
filled first night. Give me back my money."
"They're just sparring, Beek. It's a perfectly normal
martial arts thing," Kaneda rationalized. "Heck, Ranma and I got
into a scuffle this morning, t'weren't nothin'."
"Don't call me 'Beek', Kaneda-chan."
"Don't call me Kaneda-chan, BEEK."
Nabiki grrrred. Kaneda grrrred. Tension mounted. Seconds
ticked by. Sweatdrops formed. Kasumi walked into the room.
"My, what's everybody staring at?" Kasumi asked, peering
towards the dojo door that Nabiki and Kaneda were intently
observing.
There is a natural body pheromone which occurs rarely in
human females, currently unnamed. This chemical, when inhaled,
tends to deliver a double dose of distraction and calming. Tendo
Kasumi tended to emit fifty parts per million of it wherever she
went.
"Oneechan! Hello!" Nabiki waved, losing her rivalry
interest for the time being. "Glad to see you. I've got a
message for you."
Nabiki pulled an arrow out of her backpack, complete with a
hand-written note attached.
"Kunou-chan wanted me to deliver this, because his bowstring
broke and he couldn't simply shoot it at the house," Nabiki
explained, passing the wooden shaft and rice paper note to
Kasumi. "Someone's got to explain the miracle of Federal Express
to that boy..."
Kasumi blinked, and pulled the note off. There, printed in
exquisite, perfectly formed lettering, read :
To the one known as Tendo Kasumi.
Meet me at the Furinkan Field at precisely 5:36 PM.
Kunou Tatewaki.
This message printed on 100% recycled paper.
"Hmm," Kasumi mused, reading the note. "Who is Kunou
Tatewaki again?"
"He's the guy you maimed today," Kaneda said.
"Oh, that boy who was harassing Ranma-kun and Akane-chan. Do
you suppose this is a letter of challenge?"
"I wouldn't doubt it. Kunou's got something of an ego,"
Nabiki said. "And that something is at least twelve miles in
diameter."
"I really just wanted him to stop hurting Ranma. I didn't
mean to pick a fight or make an enemy. Perhaps I can go talk to
him and settle this non-violently."
"So you practice martial arts too, huh sis?" Nabiki asked.
Kasumi nodded. "I didn't have much else to do on the road
trip. Plus, it helped me keep sensei from doing anything silly."
"Silly?" Kaneda asked, perking an eyebrow.
"Still, there's no need to fight this nice boy," Kasumi
said, passing the arrow back to Nabiki, who immediately examined
the weapon for any resale value. "I'm sure I can talk him out of
it."

*

Kasumi glanced around the school athletic field, then back
at her digital watch. 5:37. Hmm. Perhaps the boy was late, or
her watch was simply a minute or two off.
She really didn't like to fight. It wasn't in her nature to
WANT to convert healthy humans into little broken piles of tissue
matter on the floor. However, she had a promise to keep, and to
do that she needed martial arts.
'Kasumi-chan, please, promise me that you'll do what you can
to keep the master from touching you,' her father begged her, way
back at age six. She didn't quite understand what he meant, but
she knew he was dead serious; he was crying more than usual,
almost to the point where the floorboards were warping.
Sensei didn't do anything to her at first, but she knew that
her father wouldn't have asked her to promise him unless there
was a real need for it. So, in between keeping the campsite
clean and cooking meals, she learned martial arts.
And was DAMN good at it. Although she was incapable of
saying the D-word.
It just comes naturally for Tendos, she assumed, since she
had heard that her real father was a great martial artist. So,
she practiced alongside Ranma-kun, but only used her skills when
needed. Still, sensei made no attempt to touch her anywhere. She
was beginning to wonder why her dad insisted that she
promise, until one day, around age twelve, Happousai introduced
her to the Ceremony.
He called it a 'coming of age' thing, and it basically
involved bad music on his portable eight-track, some readings
from Dr. Seuss and then a cheap feel. Before he was within two
feet of her, however, she cleanly and swiftly ground Happousai
into the dirt and hurt him in a variety of unusual and creative
ways.
He'd try to make a move for her after that, but was never
successful. After all, Kasumi had a promise to keep. Well,
Happousai was a pervert, the poor old man, and Kasumi could live
with that as long as she made sure she never was at the receiving
end of his little habits and whimsies. Shame really, because she
knew he was a master of martial arts. Just that he also was a
total jerk. But she wouldn't say the J-word, either. At least
she learned how to deal with Happousai, whereas Ranma decided to
antagonize him day in day out after Kasumi's teachings showed how
twisted the master was. Bad for Ranma, but--
"Ahem," Kunou ahemed, clearing his throat.
Kasumi looked up, memory revival fading away quickly,
monologue chopped down with an axe. Oh dear, it was bad for a
martial artist to let down her guard! She fell back into a
defensive pose, just in case.
"What are you doing?" Kunou asked, cocking his head. The
boy was standing straight up, in no sort of attack pose. In
fact...
"Excuse me, if you don't mind me asking, where is that
wooden sword you had earlier?" Kasumi asked, keeping her pose,
but loosening up a little. "Was it stolen?"
Kunou laughed. "Heavens, no. The thief which thinks he can
steal from the great Kunou Tatewaki thinks wrongly indeed. I
have simply denied myself the company of my familiar weapon. I
have no need of it."
"Oh, I'm glad to hear that," Kasumi smiled, standing upright
again. "I was a bit worried I was getting into a fight."
"I have, however, decided to give you THIS!" Kunou shouted,
flinging an object at her.
Kasumi quickly sidestepped, and grabbed the weapon out of
midair. Rose petals filled the air.
She blinked.
She blinked again, just for good measure, and examined the
weapon, which turned out to be a bouquet of flowers, with a
cheery FTD tag still attached and a price that rivaled several
breeds of automobile.
Kunou had already started walking away, but turned around
long enough to say, "Tendo Kasumi... I love you."
Kasumi blinked three more times, from surprise and pollen.
I LOVE YOU, the words echoed for no reason whatsoever.
"Oh my," Kasumi said plainly, sinking to her knees.

*

"You're kidding me," Nabiki laughed. "He gave you THOSE?"
"Hai, Nabiki-chan," Kasumi nodded. Not one to waste good
flower arrangements, Kasumi had put the bouquet in a vase upon
returning home.
Nabiki checked the tag on the flowers. "Not bad. You could
do worse, sis. Go for it."
"But... now, honestly, Nabiki, I can't. After all, I've
only exchanged a few dozens words with him. And he's so young.
Younger men... well, they're young."
"Look at it this way. Go for it or he'll be chasing you
until the end of the time. Kunou-chan is SO persistent. Rather
cute, in a way. He's been after Akane for... hmmm. I wonder if
he's given up on Akane."
"Boy, would I love that!" Akane grinned, wandering in. "No
more fights every day. I could actually walk from the front gate
to the front door without having to kneecap anyone. Thanks for
taking him off my hands, sis."
"But Akane, I'm not going to accept his... well, I'm glad he
didn't propose, but I'm not exactly planning on going along with
this," Kasumi fumbled. "Is he that persistent? I mean,
certainly if I talked to the boy and explained with a simple no,
he'd understand, right?"
"Someone here doesn't know sempai very well," Kaneda laughed
from the kitchen.
The three sisters blinked. They hadn't even noticed him
enter there!
"Kaneda! What're you doing in there?" Nabiki called.
"Cooking, what else?" he replied loudly.
"He has to be stopped," Nabiki whispered. "Jeez, I let down
my guard for six minutes and he slips in. Akane, you run in
there and grab him, I'll barricade the door."
"Come on now, is Kaneda-kun's food that bad?" Kasumi asked.
"With a little training, anybody can be a good cook."
"Kaneda is cursed, sis. Born under a bad sign. If he ever
cooks something edible without severe gastrointestinal pain, the
world will end," Nabiki laughed.
"Nabiki! He's not THAT bad..." Akane started. Then sighed.
"Okay, he is that bad. But I have faith. He'll grow up to be a
GREAT chef one day."
"Yeah. And maybe I'll win the lottery," Nabiki said. She
considered the ramifications of that, and said, "Err, scratch
that. I just bought a ticket yesterday and don't want to jinx
myself."
DING DONG!
Nabiki blinked. "We don't have a doorbell. Who's that?"
"I'll go get it," Kasumi offered, and got up from the dining
room table.

*

It was Kunou. Again.
"Greetings, fair maiden," he bowed before Kasumi. "I took
the measure of having Sasuke install a doorbell on your house, so
that I wouldn't damage the door of your domicile with my muscular
arms and the act of knocking."
"Umm... that's very kind of you," Kasumi replied, not sure
what else to say to that. "What can I do for you?"
"I realized that my previous order of flowers was shipped
incorrectly," Kunou said. "I have travelled across the city to
deliver the correct flowers to you. I have ensured that FTD
Incorporated felt the wrath of the Kunou family for their
grievous error."
"Oh! That explains the price tag!" Kasumi guessed. "I
thought it looked wrong." Oh dear, she thought, I hope the poor
boy didn't lose too much money in this mixup. The flowers did
seem too expensive for a high school student to afford.
"Kasumi, who's at the door?..." Akane called, wandering over
to join them. She paused a few feet from the door. "Oh. Sempai."
"Greetings, Tendo Akane," Kunou bowed again. "One moment
and I shall have your flower arrangement unloaded as well. I
advise both of you to step back while Sasuke moves them."
"Mine?" Akane asked, walking off to the side while Kunou's
diminutive ninja hauled in a five foot tall, three foot wide ring
of roses, daises, violets, and seventy four other varieties of
flower Akane couldn't recognize. The banner stretching across
the wreath read KASUMI.
"Yes, yours. For I have decided that both of you are too
dear for me to give up. Therefore, I pursue the love of the fair
Tendo sisters in duet," Kunou grinned, as Sasuke hauled in an
identical wreath reading AKANE.
Kasumi checked the price tag on one of the wreaths. "Oh
my," she said, without quoting the figure.
"Whoa, let me get this straight," Akane said. "You're
planning on dating me AND my sister? Doesn't that strike you as
the least bit weird? And why won't you just GIVE UP on me for a
change?!"
"It was the best answer I could come up with," Kunou
shrugged. "Both of your presences are what light my days and
fill my nights with--"
Kunou was cut off as one of the wreaths smacked into his
head. He thrashed about a bit, careful not to harm the flowers,
and got it off. He stared around the room, looking for the
offending flower child.
"Take a hike, 'sempai'," Ranma suggested. "I think the
girls have expressed it enough that they don't want you around."
"Ranma, what are you doing?" Akane demanded. However, Ranma
and Kunou were already eye-locked and ear-locked; not caring
about the world around them. Anybody with aura goggles would
have been blinded.
"It seems the false suitor of Tendo Akane wishes to take
both my lovely Akane and Kasumi away from me," Kunou said, not
moving his eyes one radian. "Very well. If it is a challenge
you want, it is a challenge you shall have!"
"Fine by me. But not here, this is a living area. The
dojo's out back," Ranma said.
"Ranma, bug off, alright? This is between me and him!"
Akane yelled, pointing to Kunou.
"Hey, you SAID you wanted him to cut it out," Ranma
shrugged. "So, I'm going to cut him up. What's the problem?"
"Bah! To think that a mere peasant such as yourself could
harm me!" Kunou laughed. "Bring him on! I feel no pain!"

*

"Ow," Kunou yelped. "Not so hard, Nabiki."
"Jeez, Kunou-chan, you're pathetic," Nabiki grumbled,
wringing out a wet washcloth as she aided his recovery. Kasumi
had insisted that after the severe beating he got at the hands of
Ranma, that it would only be fair to give him first aid. However,
the only person willing to do it was Nabiki. Kasumi was
avoiding the upperclassman, for some reason.
"He merely got lucky," Kunou protested. "I can take him any
day. I will NOT let him stand between me and my loves!"
"Ever consider a change in love interest?" Nabiki asked. "Say,
to someone less... guarded."
"Bah. No forces can withhold my fury! I will be like the
tsunami, wiping away all opposition! Ow."
"So why can't the tsunami walk out of my daddy's dojo under
his own power?"
"I'm simply gathering my strength," Kunou said, narrowing
his eyes.

*

"I still say I could've taken him," Akane grumbled, munching
out of a bag of Cooler(TM) Ranch(TM) Doritos(TM) (C) 1995 all
rights reserved.
"Possibly, Akane," Kasumi nodded. "But really, I'm glad
Ranma took over the fight. I'd rather not have to hurt that poor
boy myself. He seems nice, but a bit... odd."
"Odd is an understatement. Hmph. Still, why'd that baka
Ranma have to jump in on us? I've handled Kunou ever since I've
met him. He's not THAT hard to beat."
"Maybe Ranma just didn't want to see you get hurt."
Akane paused. "Huh?"
"Well, maybe."
"Get hurt? Give me a break! I mean... fighting's not
hard," Akane rationalized. "Maybe I get a few bumps and bruises,
but big deal..."
"So you'd rather be fighting Kunou every day?"
"No way!"
"Then why not let Ranma deal with him?"
Akane paused. "Well... I mean..."
Kasumi smiled. "Look at it this way, Akane. Ranma's just
trying to help out a friend by taking some of her worries off her
hands. It's a blessing. I know you like to do things yourself,
but there's nothing wrong with him taking up a battle you've had
to fight for so long."
Kasumi paused. "Or maybe he just doesn't like Kunou and
enjoys fighting him. Either way, same result."
"Probably, yeah," Akane nodded. "He's the kind of guy
that'd just pick a fight for his own reasons. He's not doing it
to keep me safe. Not his style. No way."

*

"So why did you jump Kunou there?" Kaneda asked, patching up
the few scratches Ranma had obtained in battle.
"The twit was getting on my nerves," Ranma growled. "Honestly.
Trying to date two girls at once? And thinking it's
alright? Talk about your audacity."
"Not because Kasumi stopped him before you could trash Kunou
this morning?"
"Certainly not. I couldn't fight in the rain."
"Not because you were itching for a fight?"
"No. I was hoping to watch The X-Files tonight, but
unfortunately Kunou got in my way there."
"Oh, so you fought because he interrupted your primetime
viewing schedule?"
"Don't be silly."
"And it wasn't because you didn't want to see anything
happen to Akane?"
Ranma started to answer, then paused. "Eh?"
"You're not deaf, man, you heard me. Hold still, I need to
patch this cut up."
"Of course not. I had my own bone to pick with him, not
Akane's," Ranma stated flatly. "Not so tight with that band-aid.
At least it's over with and Nabiki brought the dink back to his
house."
"He'll be at you again, you know."
"Big deal. I'll take him out again in that case," Ranma
boasted. "I'm ALWAYS ready for an attack! HA HA HA!"
Kaneda sighed, and flipped Ranma across the room, slamming
him face first into a wall. Ranma stopped laughing for some
reason.
"Ha ha ha," Kaneda smirked.

%

"DISASTER! DOOM! HELLFIRE! WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!!" the old
man screamed, dashing through the village, cane rapping on every
window he passed. "THE END IS NIGH! PACK UP AND RUN! SOON
THERE WILL BE NOTHING LEFT! THE GREAT METAL BEAST HEADS THIS WAY
NOW!"
The locals watched him with bemused interest. A few bar
patrons cheered him on as he ran, still screaming, by the local
okonomiyaki shop.
"What's he yelling about?" a patron asked, pointing a
chopstick out the door.
The chef, a rotund man with a cheesy moustache, laughed.
"That's just Hiroaki. He's our local doomsayer. Every week he
tends to run around town declaring the apocalypse. We think he
may be clinically insane."
"That's awful. Shouldn't someone do something about it?"
the patron asked.
"What, and pass up such obvious entertainment?" the chef
laughed. "Don't worry about it. He's never been right. Hey,
boys, see any great beast headed our way?"
"Nope!"
"Nada!"
"Negatory!"
"Nein!"
"Non!"
"Nyet!"
"Uh, like, what's that?" a boy near the door asked, as a red
pickup truck screamed down main street at 78 MPH, wiping out a
few storefronts in the process.
Several plates were dropped.
"I'll be damned, he finally got it right," the chef
grumbled. "Okay, sound the alarm."

*

The town was in a panic.
The truck, with the driver asleep (or dead) at the wheel,
was happily crashing around, destroying property and sending
everybody scrambling for higher ground. Another fun aspect of
this truck was the large wooden cases in the back, clearly marked
in gaijin lettering, reading TNT.
The patrons of the okonomiyaki shop stared down as the truck
smashed into the side of a street, wiping out the front window of
a dentist's shop and a flower arranger.
"Hiroshi is gonna be miffed," the chef sighed. "He just
finished paying for that window."
"I could try to stop that truck," the female patron from
before said. "Jump on the roof or something, maybe pry the door
open..."
"Naah, don't bother. Either it'll run out of gas, run out
of town, or crash somewhere. I wish I knew what TNT meant
though."
"It means explosives 'n bombs 'n stuff," the boy from
earlier piped in with. "Read it from an AC/DC lyric
translation."
"Explosives?!" the chef gaped. "You mean... it crashes, a
large chunk of the town goes boom?"
"Probably! It'll look so COOL! YEAH! FIRE! FIRE! FIRE!
FIRE! Heheheh m heh heh m heheh."
"Someone whap that boy, please. Alright. Miss, you think
you can stop that truck?"
"Not before it hits those two in the road, no," she said,
pointing to the two unsuspecting pedestrians, a few hundred feet
in front of the speeding truck.
The bar staff and customers made mad hooting noises and
screams, trying to get the notice of the hapless fools that were
about to become roadkill. The doomed didn't seem to notice,
however, and kept on walking.
The girl turned away, not particularly interested in seeing
human okonomiyaki.
If she had looked, she'd have seen the boy (the one on the
right) whip out an umbrella, using it to pole vault over the
truck, and the girl (the one on the left) cartwheel off to a
side, whip out a ribbon and completely tear the front axle off
the truck with it.
The truck, suddenly lacking half its wheels, skidded to a
dusty halt in the country road, without going BOOM.
"YES! ROCK!" the boy cheered, headbanging in appreciation.
"Whoa," the chef exclaimed. "Everybody downstairs. Those
two are coming this way."

*

The huddled masses, no longer huddled on the roof, streamed
out of the buildings of town, applauding wildly in favor of the
two kids who had saved their village.
"Ma'am, I've got no idea how you managed to stop a runaway
truck with a... what is that?"
"It's a ribbon," she replied, in a voice not unlike sexy,
smooth saxophone with several shining and sinister spikes
sticking straight out.
"Ah, yes, a ribbon. However you did it, good job. How can
we repay you two?"
"Tell us," the boy said, in a voice like bitter bread baking
over a brunt, brittle bonfire, "Where is Furinkan High School?"

*

"I found what I was looking for in Compton's 1993
encyclopedia," Doctor Tofu said.
"See? I told you I needed the update," Nabiki whispered to
Akane. "Doc, can I buy that edition off you?"
"Sorry, Nabiki, I need it for the clinic. Anyway, they have
a long section about Jusenkyo in it, which I was reading...
Ranma, why didn't you just look at the signs before you jumped
into that pool?"
"There were signs?" Ranma asked. "Not when we went. And I
was THROWN in."
Doctor Tofu nodded. "Well, the section details how Jusenkyo
was created. They got a magician to bless the land, or curse it,
depending on your point of view, so that whatever drowned there
would enchant the spring they died in with physical form
transformation. However, they had a problem; the springs
wouldn't allow for more than one type of any one thing."
"Eh?" Ranma asked, getting quite confused.
"Well, here's how your curse was developed," Doctor Tofu
replied, paging through his paper edition of the encyclopedia.
"Apparently, the springs of Jusenkyo already had spring of
Drowned Boy, and when an adolescent boy from the local village
drowned in a fresh pool, the pool wouldn't take a pure Drowned
Boy curse. It accepted the body, but needed more so it would be
different from other pools. So, it also took on the boy's
personality. Apparently he was the town letcher."
"Terrific," Ranma groaned.
"After the village learned of this new ability in the pools,
they drowned several others... judges, doctors, teachers,
architects, musicians. Also some personalities, such as selfless
givers, romantic lovers and philosophical wisemen. (*) From then
on, whenever the village was short a professional, or if a
villager was deemed worthy of gaining a new personality, they
could use the pools. It led to a great deal of prosperity,
before the entire Jusenkyo civilization vanished without a
trace."
"So is there a cure, Doctor Tofu?" Akane asked.
"Well... it doesn't say. Apparently, body cures were easy
to obtain, and frequently they could build armies of 'manimals'
and cure them back after the fight. But nobody ever thought to
find a reverse effect for the other pools. It's hard to develop
a 'Spring of Perfectly Normal Person'."
"How about a saint pool?" Nabiki asked.
"That would probably modify Ranma more than we want him to
be modified. Or the two personalities might conflict and drive
him insane."
Ranma grimaced. "Oh. Joy."
"Surely there has to be a cure!" Akane exclaimed.
"I'm still looking, and don't call me Shirley. I'm positive
there is another way around this somewhere," Tofu replied,
closing the book. "It's just a matter of looking. Of course,
finding it may take several weeks, months, or even years..."
"Years," Ranma replied, in something of a haze. "Great. Well,
at least I know one thing."
"What?" Tofu asked, replacing the volume with the others in
his medical library.
"Considering my current situation, this is rock bottom.
Nowhere to go but up, so what could possibly go wrong?"
Thunder tore across the sky, crackling lightning in
irregular patterns that spoke of evil and doom and disaster.
"Um... did I say something wrong?" Ranma asked.

*

"So Tokyo is this way?" the boy asked, pointing in the wrong
direction.
"No, it's this way," the farmer said, pointing south.
"Alright, thanks," the boy nodded, starting off in a new,
more incorrect heading. "Come on, Kodachi."
"He said it was this way, Ryouga-kun," Kodachi corrected,
pointing south.
"I know he said that, that's why I'm going that way."
"No, you're going that way. This is this way and that is
that way. You see?"
"Sir, didn't you say to go this way?" Ryouga asked.
"No," the farmer reiterated, "THIS way. Not THAT way. THAT
way doesn't go THIS way. THIS way and THAT way are not the SAME
way."
"Alright, so I'll go that way," Ryouga said, a bit more on
course, but still in the wrong direction. He continued straight
and true on his faulty heading.
The farmer looked oddly at Kodachi. "What's wrong with that
boy? Was he dropped on his head too many times as a child or
something?"
"No, he just has a bit of a problem with directions,"
Kodachi said. "Don't worry, I'll get him to Tokyo safe and
sound, or at least sound! Ohohohohoho! Wait up, Ryouga-kun!"
"At last, I shall reach Tokyo and have my REVENGE!" Ryouga
called out, marching along the road.
"Hai! And I mine!" Kodachi replied, jogging to meet him. She
stopped dead in her tracks before the yellow sign, though. "Umm,
Ryouga-kun--"
"YOU WON'T HIDE FROM ME, SAOTOME RANMA!!!" Ryouga cried out
to the heavens, starting a massive rockslide.
Kodachi sighed, leaning on the 'QUIET -- LANDSLIDE ZONE'
sign, and wandered back to the farmer. "Can I borrow a shovel?"

*

"I got it! I FINALLY GOT IT!" Ataru yelled, clutching his
newly found prize to his chest as he raced around the upstairs
level of the Tendo home. "Akane's bra! Wow! A prize among
prizes!"
"BAKA! GET BACK HERE SO I CAN KILL YOU!" Akane yelled,
pounding along after him.
Downstairs, Kasumi listened to the footfalls with bemused
worry. She turned to Genma, who was busy swallowing large
amounts of animal meat without chewing. IE, dinner.
"Maybe you shouldn't have thrown Ranma-kun into the pond,"
she suggested.
"Bah," Genma bahed, munching away. "He's getting sloppy in
his martial arts. A ninety year old grandmother could have
avoided that throw!"
"At least you could have tossed him somewhere less..."
(CRASH of windows breaking upstairs) "Damp," Kasumi added.
"If she keeps this up, we're going to have to drag Ranma
back to Doctor Tofu again," Nabiki reminded the others. "Remember
last week, when Ataru managed to sneak into the
bathroom with my camera? Smashed up Ataru, smashed up camera. I
paid 5000 yen for that camera."
"What does that have to do with the doctor?" Kaneda asked.
"Nothing. I'm just saying I paid 5000 yen for that camera,
that's all," Nabiki said. She ate 2/3rds of her dinner before
adding, "Oh, and Ranma didn't enjoy it, either."

*

Ataru bounced from roof to roof, across Nerima, the bra
whipping in the wind as Akane made periodic grabs for it.
"I said GIVE THAT BACK, you twisted freak!" Akane yelled.
"Nyah nyah!" Ataru called back, sticking his tongue out.
"Finders keepers losers weepers! Come on, it's just one bra,
cutie. Surely you won't miss it!"
"Yes I will, and don't call me--"
An eclipse of the sun came about.
The two paused, as day turned into night. Or at least
seemed to; in fast, it was just a shadow from something circular
blocking the sun...
The open umbrella slammed into the roof they stood on,
puncturing the shingles where Akane and Ataru were just standing.
The boy grasping the umbrella handle pulled his weapon out, which
was no worse for wear, struck a dramatic, defiant pose and
shouted :
"SAOTOME RANMA, PREPARE TO DIE!"
"Who?" Ataru asked.
The boy blinked. He left his umbrella aside, and wandered
over to Ataru, examining him. "Hmmm. You're not Ranma."
"Nope no way no how!" Ataru grinned. "And proud not to be."
"Odd... from the air, you LOOKED like him..." Ryouga said,
scratching his head. "No matter. Where is Furinkan High
School?"
"That way, three blocks, can't miss," Ataru said. "Bad
locker room, they just added security for some reason. The
restrooms aren't too bad, though, and you gotta admit, the gym
uniforms are nice."
"Huh? Whatever. That way, you say?" Ryouga asked, pointing
off to the north-north-east plus two degrees.
"Certainly. Happy trails," Ataru smiles, saluting. Ryouga
grabbed his umbrella, bouncing off in the opposite of the
direction he was going the wrong way in.
"Umm... who was that?" Akane asked, stunned.
"Eh, dunno," Ataru shrugged. "Just some guy, I guess. Though
if he wants to kill Ranma, no need to have him go the
right way, ne?"
"Oh! That reminds me," Akane said, grabbing her bra and
kicking Ataru into orbit. "I want this back."
"CUUUUUTTIIIIiiiii...." Ataru trailed off, soaring into the
sky. Akane grinned, and headed back home.
A face peered up from the roof edge, where someone was
climbing up a ribbon to join the party. She watched as Akane
jumped to the ground, and stealthily followed.

*


"I'm hoooome!" Akane called, wandering back inside.
"How was your romp with Ataru?" Nabiki asked, looking up
from the Monopoly board, where she was slowly but surely driving
Kaneda into the poorhouse.
"Oh, ended the usual way," Akane shrugged. "I'll be
upstairs putting this back if you need me. Losing again, Kaneda-
kun?"
"That's Kaneda-chan," Nabiki laughed.
"No, BEEK just has a slight advantage," Kaneda managed,
through clenched teeth. "Aha! You landed on Broadway! I've got
you now, Nabiki."
"Actually, Kaneda, I've already bought Broadway from you."
"Eh? No you didn't!"
"Corporate espionage and mergers," Nabiki smiled. "I'll
have my people issue a memo to your people. I think I'll build a
few hotels now... say, ten?"

*

When Death comes knocking, it doesn't use the front door.
Usually, it'll use a window, after properly greasing it and
ensuring nobody is inside. The figure slipped inside easily,
skulking along the darkened hallways of night like a skulk,
hugging the shadows like kawaii Hello Kitty dolls.
Most of the family was asleep at this point. Most except
for one, who was downstairs, making a midnight snack. The figure
followed the sounds of cold cereal, heading downstairs without
stepping on any loose floorboards. It approached the kitchen. It
entered the kitchen. It pulled out a mallet.
"TENDO KASUMI, PREPARE TO DIE!!" Kodachi yelled, on the
downswing of the mallet.
Kasumi ducked and rolled out of the way, but her Lucky
Charms didn't live up to their name, as the mallet crushed the
bowl into fine power and milky splatter.
Kodachi pulled the mallet out of the breakfast's demise,
dripping blue diamonds and purple horseshoes, and swung again at
Kasumi, who was quickly on her way out the door.
"Oh my, you again?" Kasumi asked, backing off, dodging swing
after swing. "How did you find me?"
"I tailed someone," Kodachi said. "You'll pay for what
you've done to me, hussy!"
"Shhhh! You'll wake daddy!" Kasumi warned, jumping to avoid
the mallet's SLAM against the floor. Kodachi pulled out her
ribbon, chasing Kasumi upstairs.

*

Ataru finally landed a moment later, in the fishpond outside
the Tendo Dojo.
It wasn't a fun landing, but it was a landing, and after
smacking a dozen birds on the way down, he was glad it was over. At
least his cutie was the one who smashed him. That kind of
frequent flyer mileage he didn't mind racking up.
Ataru crawled out of the pond, shaking carp out of his
clothing, and was starting to head back inside when he noticed
two figures on the roof fighting.
One he recognized as Kasumi. The other... well, he couldn't
see the other very well at all. Still, wow, what a fight! He
wished he had popcorn handy to munch while he watched. A duck, a
kick, blocked blow, a... string? Whip? Whatever. Kasumi had
leverage, though, and managed to tug-of-war her opponent
around... man, this was better than a Segal film.
The fight finally ended when Kasumi managed to knock the
girl off the roof.
Girl?
GIRL?
Yeah! It was female, whoa! She fell through a beam of
light on the way down, highlighting her form. Hey, wait, that
would mean a vision of loveliness would go splatter all over the
ground. We can't have that.
Ataru darted across the lawn, squelching slightly, and dove.
His outstretched hands weren't of much use, since he overshot,
but his body provided a very nice cushion for Kodachi to land on.
The wind knocked out of him, Ataru stayed put. Kodachi got
up and rolled him over, leaning atop him.
Ataru stared up at her with one of his eyes, the other
straying slightly, dazed from the impact.
About now is when the violins and cellos would kick in,
driving the soundtrack into a thunderous romance tune, with
overtones of 'Rhapsody in Blue'. What a shame that life isn't
filmed in THX.
"What a man!" Kodachi exclaimed, clasping her hands to her
chest. "Dearest sir, thank you for saving me. I am in your
debt."
"Uh, okay, cool," Ataru nodded. Something was wrong. He
was THIS CLOSE to a nubile young body... and it was scaring him.
Maybe it was the look in her eyes, not unlike a cat stalking a
mouse, or a lion watching a deer, or an Orkin man observing a
cockroach. "Could you, like, get off me?"
Kodachi ignored him. She was too lost in thought,
specifically thoughts along the lines of, What a Manly Man! I'm
So Lucky To Find Someone Special! An All Girls School Is Not A
Good Place To Find a Husband, I'm So Glad I Tagged Along With
Ryouga On A Revenge Streak Or I'd Never Have Found My Dear,
Sweet... uh...
"Your name, kind sir?" she asked, pressing closer.
Ataru squirmed to get away. An alien action, but something
primal in his soul was telling him to run around until he found a
hole and go hide in it and maybe eat some cheese. "Uhh, Saotome
Ataru."
"Saotooome... Ataru," Kodachi repeated. Kunou Kodachi and
Kunou Ataru. Kunou Ataru and Kunou Kodachi. It sounded great
both ways!
"Dearest Ataru, accept this in return for your valiant
efforts," she requested, blowing him more than a kiss.
The 'more' was a small amount of a black powder, which Ataru
made the incredibly stupid mistake of inhaling. Every muscle in
his body froze up, except for his brain, which was panicking
wildly.
"Wha... fa... whoa... uhh..." Ataru mumbled.
"Just a bit of paralysis powder! Ohohohohohohohohoho!"
Kodachi laughed. It was quite possibly the most evil sounding
series of HO's and OH's Ataru had ever heard in his life, ringing
around his ears like The Gong Show.
Kodachi stood up, and looked down at the squirming insect
she had pinned. She smiled. It was almost too easy.
"Now, Ataru-sama..." she breathed, bending down, filling
Ataru's view with her lovely and hideously frightening features,
"Make me your o--"
THWACK. The dumbbell smashed against the side of the
Kodachi's head like a dead cat. She stumbled a few times, then
fell into the pond.
"Kasumi! Come quick, I caught a prowler!" Akane yelled from
the dojo door, carrying another dumbbell, just in case. "Ataru,
are you okay?"
"Gaah," Ataru commented.
"Good. Where'd that prowler go?" Akane asked, wandering
outside. She found a ribbon, and a school uniform, but no
prowler. The unknown assailant was missing.
Akane shrugged, dragging the paralyzed Ataru inside the
dojo. The door shut behind her, considerably louder than the
thrashing in the pond...

*

"Thanks for the hot water," Ranma thanked, toweling his hair
off. "Jeez, that was weird. First time I've known Ataru not to
paw a woman that close. Wonder why."
"Why was the prowler trying to attack you, Kasumi?" Akane
asked.
"It's part of a very old feud I had back in junior high,"
Kasumi said. "See, Happousai decided to settle down in Tokyo for
awhile, and he enrolled me in an all-girls school and Ranma in an
all-boys school."
"I hated that place," Ranma commented.
"My school wasn't that nice either. In particular, there
was this one girl, Kodachi, the leader of the gymnastics team. Her
team's leotards vanished one day, apparently stolen by
Happousai, and she demanded an answer out of me about where they
went. Since Happy had run off that week on some underwear
stealing jaunt, I was left holding the bag..."
"Hey, yeah!" Ranma nodded. "I remember that. Some kind of
gymnastics contest, right? You won."
"Hai, I won. Kodachi pulled out some flowers, which I
pushed in her own face," Kasumi said. "She passed out. I won. I
wanted to make sure she wasn't hurt too badly, so I rode in the
ambulance that took her away... she couldn't move, but she said a
lot of really unpleasant things. I'd rather not repeat them."
"About a week later, we left for China, and yadda yadda,"
Ranma nodded. "Oy. I didn't know there was a serious challenge
involved, though. So she's back now for revenge, huh?"
"It looks like it, sadly," Kasumi nodded. "I was hoping
she'd forget about it, but it looks like I was wrong. I wonder
why she left her belongings in the yard, though..."

*

Ryouga landed on the wall surrounding the Dojo property,
quietly as a lark. He thought he saw Kodachi go this way, but it
took him awhile to find the place... and now, no Kodachi.
Uhoh.
Her clothes and ribbon... so she was here. Ryouga
instinctively looked around for any sources of water, and finally
leapt down towards the pond, perching on the edge of the water to
investigate.
"Kodachi?" he whispered. "You around here?"
There was a nudge from behind, and Ryouga, already slightly
off balance, was pushed into the pond. Kodachi flashed him a
sneer, and in their new common language, grunted : What kept
you?!
To ordinary members of the genus homo sapiens, it would have
sounded like a bunch of bweeing.
Akane crept outside, hearing noise. She had a wooden
training sword out, in case it was Kodachi again.
"To whoever's out here, I'll have you know I'm heavily
armed!" she called. Nobody replied. There was, however, a tug
at her ankle.
She looked down, and saw the most ADORABLE little piglet! It
had these big moon eyes, and a kawaii neckerchief with yellow
and black tiger stripes. It was tugging on her pajama pant leg
insistently.
What's more, there were TWO little black piglets. The other
was sulking by the pool and simply wore a purple hairband around
its neck, but was nevertheless quite kawaii.
"Hey, c'mere," Akane beckoned, getting down on her knees and
offering a hand to the yellow-wearing pig. It sniffed her hand
cautiously, then approached it. Akane scooped up the piggie,
looking it over, then went over to pick up the other pig, which
offered minimal resistance.
Hmm. Odd, this other pig had a seriously nasty bruise on
its head. Well, soon enough fixed.

*

Ranma tossed the towel back inside the bathroom, and
sneezed. Getting hit with water so many times in one day wasn't
very good for the health, or the hygiene. Thankfully, the pipes
were fixed, and he could safely take a shower.
"Ranma! Are you taking a shower?" Akane called, wandering
upstairs with an armload.
"Yeah, why?" he asked.
"Could you do me a favor and give these piglets a bath?" she
asked, forking the two pigs over to him. "I found them outside. I
think I'll keep them as pets, they seem nice."
"Hey, this yellow one's trying to bite me!" Ranma said. "Ow!"
"I might as well go work on my skipped homework, now that
I'm up... Let me know when you're done with them," Akane called,
heading to her room.
They seem nice? Ranma thought. He didn't like the dirty
looks the one with eyelashes was giving him, nor the angry looks
the other was imparting to him...
He carried his payload of other white meat into the
bathroom, nudging the door shut behind him with his foot. The
pigs squirmed around, trying to get away. Odd that Akane would
want wild animals as pets.
Ranma kept them pinned under a towel while he drew a nice,
hot bath. Once the temperature was right, he took a pig in
either hand and plunged them underwater.
He was pretty surprised with an extremely angry looking girl
and a VERY angry looking boy popped up, one under each hand. Both
naked. Both upset.
"..." he asked.
"RaaaannNNNNmaaa...." the boy growled, bearing his fangs.
"I've finally found you! DIE!!!!"
"Whoa!" Ranma yelped, putting a soap container between
himself and the boy's fist. "Where'd you two come from?"
"We were the pigs, silly boy!" Kodachi snarled. "All thanks
to YOU!"
"Ummm... you I know," Ranma said. "But who's this guy?"
"It's Hibiki Ryouga!" Ryouga blurted.
"Hibiki... uuhh... Hibiki?" Ranma asked, thinking back.
"Hibiki, Hibiki,... Nope, doesn't ring a bell."
"We HAD a fight scheduled, but you and your sensei ran off
to China," Ryouga reminded.
"And I followed along, since I have a thorn to pick with
your partner, Kasumi," Kodachi added.
"Fight? Ryouga, Ryouga... hey, yeah! I remember you!"
Ranma smiled. "Long time no see."
"Good. Now hold still so we can kill you!" Kodachi yelled.
Both former pigs lunged for Ranma, grabbing onto him.
"Whoa! Ack! Cut it out!" Ranma yelled, trying to bat them
away, to avail. The beating had commenced, but was quickly
stopped when Ranma's flailing arms accidentally reached out and
twisted the cold water knob.
The shower rained down, opening like the vault of the
heavens to pour cold water on the trio. Where there was two kids
ganging up on one, there was now a hentai and two piglets.

*

"YAAAA!" Ataru yelled, running out of the bathroom (trying
to keep a towel wrapped around his midsection), chased by the
pigs. He kicked Ryouga away, only to have Kodachi clamp onto his
shoulder with her teeth.
"Ranma, what's going--?!" Akane started, leaning out of her
door to see Ataru fighting with her piglets! She stomped over
and slugged Ataru, grabbing Ryouga the pig off the ground.
"There there, did mean Ataru hurt you?" she asked, huggling
the piglet. It quickly stopped fighting, surprised at the sudden
warmth of his new position.
Ataru got up, rubbing his jaw. "Those pigs tried to kill
me!" he yelled.
"Don't be ridiculous, Ataru, they're just piglets," Akane
said, crushing Ryouga to her chest with a muffled bwee?. "Besides,
that one seems to have taken a liking to you."
"Eh?" Ataru asked, before noticing that the piglet on his
shoulder had stopped biting and started nuzzling. Of course...
it was Kodachi!
"Ugh, get offa me!" Ataru demanded, slapping the pork
(huhuhuh) away. Kodachi hung on.
"Awww, that's cute. Don't hit her," Akane cooed and warned
in sequence. "I'll name mine P-Chan."
"Pee what?"
"You know... pig cute?"
"I don't want a pet pig! Hey, this thing's CRAWLING on me!"
Ataru yelped, trying to shake Kodachi off.
"Whatever. We'll change you back tomorrow, I'm too tired to
deal with this," Akane said. "Me and P-Chan'll just go to bed."
"What?" Ataru asked, stopping in his pork evasion. Kodachi-
piggie stopped also, looking at P-Chan in surprise, who couldn't
look back on account of being nestled in Akane's chest. "Whoa,
hold up, you're gonna take that slab of bacon to bed with you?!"
"Well, duh," Akane said, sticking her tongue out. "It's
just a pig, Ataru, calm down."
"Waaaah! But I wanna go to bed with you!" Ataru whined.
Kodachi narrowed her eyes and chomped on Ataru's shoulder again.
"You have your own pig," Akane said. "Now, GOODNIGHT!"
She stomped off to her room, helpless P-Chan in tow, and
slammed the door behind her. Ataru grumbled, and went back into
the bathroom for his clothes and some hot water.

*

"Alright, let's get one thing straight," Ataru said, setting
the hot water bucket down after dosing Kodachi. "I am NOT
keeping you as a pet piggie. It's bizarre. And
furthermoyaaaaahhh!!"
Kodachi had glomped onto Ataru at this point, ticking his
ear. "But darling, it's so perfect! I can stay with you all the
time and nobody'll ever know. Let me be your hog. Oink oink."
"Gaah!" Ataru gargled. "Get offa me! You're creepy!"
"Why, I'm SO glad I decided to come along for revenge!"
Kodachi beamed, letting Ataru fall to the floor. "Okay, maybe we
did follow you to China and accidentally fall into one of those
silly springs, but oh, what a situation this has opened to me! Lo,
I am Bliss. Are you alright, Ataru darling?"
"No."
"Great!"
"Could you, like... put some... uhhh..." Ataru stammered,
trying to get the words out.
"What, darling?"
"Look, this is hard for me..."
"What's wrong?"
Ataru sighed, and spoke the phrase he thought he never would
be caught saying : "Could you put some clothes on? It's kinda,
umm, distracting."
"Oh, tosh. Let me continue. Your identity does surprise me
on two accounts," Kodachi mused. "One is that you're a Jusenkyo
victim too. Which pool did you land in?"
"Spring of Drowned Hentai. Although I prefer the term
'Socially Challenged,'" Ataru said. "This is my cursed form. It's
more of a mind-split than a body split, Ranma and I are
really different. I like myself better than myself, if that
makes sense."
"I guess you, or rather, that awful Ranma person knocked me
into Spring of Drowned Black Piglet. Ah, what bittersweet irony
to have my darling be my enemy as well! I savor the melodrama.
Darling, shall we go to bed now?"
"WHAT?" Ataru said. "NO! Beat it! Get outta my house!"
"Fine. I'm sure your family will react well to a naked
woman strutting around their house in the middle of the night. Go
ahead and kick me out now."
Ataru smacked himself in the face. Jeez, here he had a
willing, unclothed woman and it just HAD to be the scariest,
creepiest, WEIRDEST human on the face of the planet. He simply
had NO luck, did he?
It could be worse. She could be an alien who liked
electrocuting people... bah, no, that's just silly. Like that
show with those two FBI agents that Ranma seemed to enjoy.
"Alright, alright, you can stay. FOR NOW. And under my
terms," Ataru warned.
"I'd do anything to stay with you, darling!" Kodachi beamed
as the cup of cold water Ataru was filling hit her.
"A pig is acceptable," Ataru said. "But you're NOT gonna be
in my bed. I'll get out a pillow for you or something."

*

"YAWN. Ataru's a real jerk, isn't he, P-Chan?" Akane asked
her piglet, which stared up at her with nervous eyes. It wasn't
expecting to be hauled into a stranger's bed tonight... although
it wasn't putting up any objections.
"Bwee," P-Chan agreed.
"Well, at least Ranma's not Ataru ALL the time. Just under
that stupid curse," Akane shrugged.
P-Chan's eyes blinked in realization. It grrred slightly. So
the brown haired boy, the one that knocked them into the pool,
it WAS him?! He had suspected...
"Awww, are you still mad at big bad Ataru?" Akane laughed,
hugging her kawaii l'il piggie tighter. "Just sleep tight, mommy
will protect you."
Then Akane kissed the pig.
And the pig's life changed dramatically.

*

Ataru waited until fatigue had made the Kodachi piglet fall
asleep on the pillow bed he had prepared, then stealthily crept
out the window, kettle in tow.
The plan was this : Expose Ryouga for the human he was, so
Akane would slap HIM instead of Ataru for being a pervert. Then,
while Akane was broken up about Ryouga's betrayal, Ataru could...
'console' her. Yeah. Heheheh. Cool.
Honestly, Ryouga had a grudge streak a mile wide. So
Ataru's not-so-better half stole his lunch bread on a day to day
basis! Not ATARU'S fault, no siree. And even so, to stampede
his way off to China and back again just to finish one of Ranma's
fights was simply stupid. Well, Ataru would put an end to this
silliness once and for all. THEN he could worry about his other
pork product.
Ataru resisted the urge to whistle a happy little tune, and
approached Akane's window, sliding it open.
Perfect! The cretin was sleeping in her arms. A little hot
water right now would make the ULTIMATE compromising position.
Maybe Ataru's luck was looking up after all!
He slipped inside Akane's room, steam floating out of the
kettle nozzle, and prepared to pour.
"Bwebwee?" a voice called from the windowsill. He turned
slowly, to see Kodachi the piglet staring at him, angry.
The saying goes : 'Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned'.
Ataru appended 'like a woman who is a piglet scorned' to that
statement as Kodachi jumped him, knocking the kettle away.
"Why, you little--" Ataru started, chasing Kodachi around
the room. P-Chan quickly woke up from the noise, and joined the
fray; the room now looked like Ataru was chasing two black little
superballs.
Eventually, both piglets impacted on the back of Ataru's
head, sending him sprawling into Akane's bed, just in time for
her to wake up.
Just in time to wake up on top of Akane.

*

"This'll take at least a week to heal," Doctor Tofu said,
applying the last of Ranma's pressure points and re-sealing the
plastic casts. "Until then, try not to move."
"I can't believe YOU did this to me," Ranma grumbled,
turning his... eyes to look angry at Akane.
Akane shrugged, petting her new piglet. "I couldn't just
let Ataru get away with something like that, Ranma."
"Yeah, but you're slamming ME just as much as you slam him,"
Ranma grumbled. "Akane, please... I know my curse is hard to
live with... but can you go easy on Ataru next time? I haven't
had a single day here in Nerima so far where I haven't had an
injury."
"Ranma has a point, Akane," Doctor Tofu nodded. "If you
want, I can try to teach you some common shihatzu points for
disabling a foe without severely hurting them. It might be
helpful whenever Ataru is on the loose."
"Alright, doctor," Akane nodded. "I can't find your pet pig
anywhere, Ranma. I guess she went off somewhere."
"Fine with me," Ranma said, resisting the urge to shrug.
"Shame YOUR little piggie couldn't meet a horrible accident..."
he mumbled under his breath.
"That's one," Akane said.
"Eh? One what?"
"One whack I owe you for when you're recovered."
"Great, now I'm running up a tab," Ranma groaned as Akane
laughed. Ranma perked an eyebrow painfully. "What's so funny?"
"I'm just joking, Ranma," Akane smiled. "Relax. You're
hurt enough. I've got to get back to the dojo... remember, get
well soon."
Ranma blinked. It was a nice smile... "Oh, okay. Err,
thanks. Akane."
Akane nodded, and headed out. P-Chan bweed one more time
nastily at him, but was too busy cuddling in Akane's arms to
attack Ranma again.
I'll have to have some words with that pig when I get out of
here, Ranma thought to himself.
"I've got to head down the pharmacist for your pain killers,
Ranma," the Doctor said. "I'll take an hour. Don't move while
I'm gone."
"Got it, doc," Ranma didn't nod as the Doctor left.
Thankfully, he had the television on, so Ranma watched bad game
shows for a few minutes.
"Ahem," a voice by the door called.
"The doctor's out," Ranma replied. "He'll be back in an
hour or so."
"Really? Ohohohohoho! That's wonderful!" the voice rang.
Ranma, panicked, looked to the door, to see Kodachi in a
full nurse's outfit, with a bucket of cold water. "Time for your
sponge bath, darling!"
Ataru's screams rang through the neighborhood for quite some
time.

*

Ranma was going to be laid up at the clinic for longer than
anybody had imagined. When asked what had re-injured him, he
could only recall horrible images of sponges, and would have to
be calmed down with sleep-points to get him back into a rational
frame of mind.
Meanwhile, Akane had to take care of both piglets at the
Dojo, much to Kodachi's disgust.
"What do you see in her, anyway?" Kodachi asked one day,
when both were fully human. (They had taken to hiding clothing
in secret spots around the house just in case.) The pair was
hanging out near the pond, but were especially careful not to
fall in.
"In Akane?" Ryouga asked. "Well... it's like... you ever
look at someone, and in that instant, just KNOW you were meant to
be together?"
"I've... had that feeling, yes," Kodachi said. "But this is
AKANE. The one who talks in that awful baby voice and makes you
wear a bib when she feeds you. How can you handle that?"
"Okay, okay, so she just thinks I'm her pet," Ryouga
grumbled. "I'll tell her as a human how I feel about her."
"Oh yeah? When?"
"Well... eventually," Ryouga shrugged.
"Ryouga, we've been hanging around the dojo as humans AND
pigs for quite some time now. You've had plenty of opportunity."
"Speaking of opportunity, how come you're not attacking
Kasumi?" Ryouga asked. "You said you wanted her dead for making
you alle--"
"You promised you'd never mention it again!!" Kodachi
yelled.
"Whoa, whoa, okay. Sorry. Anyway, why?"
"Oh, I have better prey to stalk," Kodachi smiled, in a way
that suggested either evil or love or both.
"Oh. RANMA," Ryouga snorted in a piglike way.
"Ataru. His name is Ataru."
"No, it's Ranma. The original baka, Saotome Ranma, stealer
of bread, ruiner of lives. He's why we HAVE these curses,
Kodachi."
"Well, he's a better man because of it. Ah, my darling
Ataru! Soon I will figure out a way to keep you from turning
into that horrible Ranma person, then we can finally wed..."
Ryouga looked at her funny. "Uh. Right. Whatever."
Kodachi hmphed. "I'm not the one who's a cute widdle piggy-
wiggy."
"Yes you are!"
"Well, I don't indulge in playing baby," Kodachi said. "Unlike
some pigs."
"Well, bwee to you!" Ryouga said, using one of the most
horrible insults in bweese he knew.
"Is that so?!" Kodachi scowled. "Well, BWEE! BW'WEE!"
"BWEE!"
"BWEEE BWWEEE BWEEEEEEE," Kodachi drawled out.
"Excuse me, is P-Chan out here?" Akane asked, leaning out
the dojo door.
Ryouga paused in mid-pig-insult. "Oh! Akane-san... ah...
no, I think I saw him run inside. How's, ah, Ranma doing?"
"We're going to drop by the clinic later tonight for a
visit," Akane said. "I was going to bring P-Chan along to keep
me company."
"I'm sure he's around," Kodachi said, rolling her eyes. Well,
at least she could go see Ranma as well, in guise, as could
Ryouga.
Akane nodded, and walked back inside.
Kodachi and Ryouga looked at each other and shrugged.
"If we went as ourselves..."
"...it wouldn't go over well, no," Ryouga nodded.
"This curse is rather annoying, even if it is useful,"
Kodachi spat. "Being a pig is so... boring."
"I know, I know," Ryouga sighed. "Not much we can do about
it. At least we're both pigs and can cover for each other, if
need be."
"Ohohoho! Yes... such as that time you gave me one of your
bandannas so we could prove to Akane that you and P-Chan weren't
the same," Kodachi grinned. "Now my darling Ataru has no hope of
exposing you."
Ryouga laughed. "Yeah, that was good. We make a good team,
even if we're furry most of the time. Anyway... off to the pond.
After you, madame."
Both pigs hopped into the pond, then headed inside, back to
their alternate lives.

%

Winter came, and Ranma had healed up reasonably well. He
was on crutches for a few days, but after that, he was back to
normal. Then he tried Kaneda's Soup Surprise and went back to
the clinic for a week.
Eventually, however, there came a period where Ranma wasn't
crippled, and he managed to lead a fairly normal life. Normal,
except for Ryouga attacking him every now and then, Kodachi
splashing and glomping him (in that order), or Kunou demanding
Ranma's head on a platter for daring to come between him and
Akane or Kasumi.
"I'm beginning to wonder if life under Happousai was
better," Ranma wondered aloud.
"Hmm?" Akane asked, looking up from her skate laces. "Come
on, it's not THAT bad, is it?"
"Well... it's fairly bad. I mean, I keep getting attacked
by your baka friend Ryouga, and that twit Kunou..."
"You always win. What's the problem?" Akane asked. "You
are a good martial artist, you know. For a boy. You know, I
think if you weren't testing your skills on a daily basis, you'd
be BORED."
Ranma choked. "Bored?! Bored of peace?"
Akane nodded. Ranma considered this.
"Alright, admittedly it's a more entertaining form of
training," Ranma said. "Katas are okay, but actually beating
Kunou's rear is more enjoyable. Although still, maybe a vacation
is in order or something. Winter break IS coming up... or would
everybody just follow us? Ryouga, Kodachi, Kunou... by the way,
weird how those two ended up being related."
"They're quite similar, hai. As for a vacation, well, who
says we need to tell anybody where we go?" Akane asked. "Way I
see it, we'd be better off not publicizing it. Get away from
town for awhile and unwind."
"They'd find out. They always do."
"Don't be such a party pooper, Ranma. I'm sure it could be
done. You and I flee off somewhere without telling anyo... that
is, flee with the folks, you know, family vacation and such?"
"Yeah. Yeah. Definitely go with pop and the others,
definitely," Ranma nodded furiously, covering Akane's verbal
error. "For now, I guess skating will have to do."
"True. Umm. Ranma, why don't you have your skates on?"
Akane asked, pointing to the unused pair. "Can't you skate?"
"What? Me? Ha! I'm the greatest skater that ever lived!"
Ranma boasted. "I just... don't feel like it today. I think
I'll just eat my hot dog and watch. Why're you taking the pork
brigade with you?"
P-Chan bweed up from his seat on the rinkside diner table,
wrapped up in a nice yellow scarf. 'K-Chan', Ranma's name for
the other pig ("If you knew why there's a K there, you'd never
believe me," he told them) was also in the scarf, although K-Chan
looked considerably less happy to be there.
"Well, why not?" Akane asked. "When was the last time you
took your little K-Chan out for a good time?"
"Never. I don't LIKE my little K-Chan," Ranma reminded her.
"Bleah. You're just not an animal lover. I'd take care of
her for you, if it wasn't that she likes you more."
"Tell me about it," Ranma grumbled. "Well, go skate with
the pigs. Have fun. I'll be here."
"You sure you don't want to skate with me?" Akane asked.
"Please? It'll be fun."
"Don't worry about me," Ranma said. "I'm cool here. No pun
intended."
Akane laughed anyway, then skated out, the pigs perched on
either shoulder.
"'tis a thing of beauty, the queen of ice," Kunou said,
looming behind Ranma. "Lo, but to gaze upon the nimble lass of
winter, to see her dance her dance of ages upon the silvery
surface, not unlike the water nymphs of times long gone. One
such as you, however, cannot appreciate the intrinsic value of
this wonderful view."
"Yo," Ranma replied with, not bothering to turn around in
his diner seat.
"I have not come to once more thrash you, Ranma," Kunou
said, ignoring for the moment that he had yet to be successful at
any form of thrashing. "I seek the location of Tendo Kasumi, so
that I might skate with both my loves."
"She's at home trying to teach Kaneda how to cook," Ranma
said. "IE, forget it."
"Very well. Denied of the more pleasant option of skating
with my loves, I shall have to fill my time with the less
pleasant option of challenging you in their honor. Prepare
yourself!"
Ranma grabbed his skates from below the table, and without
looking, whirled them over his head. The boots kicked Kunou's
head, knocking him out, and whirled back to the floor with a
flick of the wrist.
"You might be annoying, 'sempai', but at least you're not
much of a threat," Ranma said, patting Kunou's sleepy head and
getting up to get another hot dog. "You I could smack around any
day."

*

"K-chan!" Akane called, skating through the crowd, easily
avoiding any head on collisions. "Where are you?"
She sighed, looking at the other pig on her shoulder. "She
must have fallen off. Poor girl... we'll find her, P-Chan!"
P-Chan nodded, and helped with the search by looking around.
He was very aware of what effect ice skates would have on a pig
trapped on the ice, and didn't exactly want to see Kodachi sliced
into bacon strips. It wouldn't be right, after all.
However, they had been searching for awhile now, with no
success. The rink was devoid of swine, except for P-Chan.
"She's not here," Akane said, nearly reading P-Chan's
thoughts. "That means... someone must have taken her!"
Akane quickly skated back towards the rinkside diner, P-Chan
hanging on for dear life. Hmph! he thought. Of course, there's
trouble, so she goes running to Ranma. How typical. If only
there was some hot water around...
She stopped skating, sliding up to the wall nearest to
Ranma's table, where he was munching on a hot dog. She glanced
for the merest of moments at the unconscious Kunou sprawled on
the ground, ignored him, and turned to Ranma.
"Find K-Chan!" she ordered.
"Eh?"
"K-Chan is missing. I think someone took her!"
"What's your point, Akane?" Ranma asked, looking up from his
foot.
"Well... she's gone! We've got to get her back."
"Bleah. She can take care of herself. Who cares if she's
MIA?" Ranma asked. "You know I don't want that pig, anyway. Get
P-Chan to stop biting me."
"P-Chan, stop that! Ranma, you've got to help me find her.
She could be hurt somewhere, or worse, she could be sold to a
butcher!"
Ranma sighed. "Alright, alright. We'll look for your
precious K-Chan. Where've you looked?"
"I checked all around the rink. Nobody has her."
"Did you check the diner?"
"Obviously, no. I just got here."
"If you checked here first, you'd notice that girl over
there has her," Ranma said, pointing a thumb.
Akane blinked. Sure enough, there was a kawaii l'il girl,
with a fur coat draped over her shoulders, eating a sundae at the
other side of the diner. And she had K-Chan nustled under an
arm, the piglet obviously trying to get away.
"Don't just sit there, Ranma, go get your pig back," Akane
said, the fear out of her voice now that she knew of K-Chan's
location.
"Later," he said. "I'm not done eating."
"Hmph!"
"Excuse me, miss?"
Akane looked up at the boy who had just stepped between the
ice rink wall and Ranma's table. He wore a cashmere sweater,
with stylish pants and a wavy haircut. He looked down at her
with possibly caring eyes.
"Uh... yes?" Akane responded. P-Chan grrred at the new boy.
"Did you say that girl over there has a pet of yours?" the
boy asked, pointing without looking.
"Oh... hai," Akane nodded. "She has my BAKA! friend's pet
pig, K-Chan."
The boy nodded. "One moment."
With that, he wandered over to the girl's table, yanked K-
Chan from her arms and walked back over, presenting the pig to
Akane.
"There you go," he said, setting K-Chan on Akane's shoulder,
next to P-Chan. "That's my skating partner, Azusa. She has a
habit of naming cute objects and taking them for her
collection..."
"CHARLOTTE!" Azusa, the girl, shouted, darting over. The
boy blocked her, to keep her away from Akane.
"My name is Sanzenin Mikado, member of the Golden Pair," the
boy said. "This is Shiratori Azusa. I'm sorry for any
inconvenience my partner caused..."
"Give me back my Charlotte!" Azusa demanded, grabbing an
ashtray from Ranma's table and whacking Mikado with it. Mikado
ignored her.
"Anyway, I hope that--"
"GIVE ME BACK MY CHARLOTTE!" Azusa begged, grabbing Ranma's
chair (much to Ranma's surprise) and smashing it over Mikado's
head.
Mikado yelped, and span to face Azusa, with a considerably
more manic look on his face than the Calm, Charming Exterior he
was presenting Akane. "Do you HAVE to do that, you stupid little
girl!?"
"Waaaah," Azusa whined. "I just wanted my Charlotte."
Mikado turned back to Akane. "Now, ma'am, if you'll do me
the honor of a slight repayment for finding your pet..."
"Huh?" Akane asked, as Mikado held her chin delicately,
angled his head, and moved in to kiss her--
--and a bit of onion smacked against his cheek.
Mikado looked up at Ranma, who had obviously flicked the
onion at him. Ranma was very nonplussed.
"Thanks for your help, fellah, now take a hike, okay?" Ranma
asked.
Mikado examined the onion. "So. You challenge the Golden
Pair?"
"No, I threw an onion at the Golden Pair. THIS is a
challenge," Ranma said, walking within Mikado's personal space.
"See the difference?"
"Charlotte!" Azusa squealed in glee, grabbing K-Chan before
anybody could stop her.
"A small wager, then?" Mikado suggested. "Say, that
piglet?"
"WHAT?!" Akane yelped. P-Chan bweed, eyes doubling in size.
"As far as I'm concerned, you can have the pig," Ranma
shrugged. "I'm just interested in kicking your ass. Akane
doesn't like to be grabbed like that, you know."
Akane just stared, dumbfounded.
"Then I set the challenge date at Saturday morning," Mikado
said. "At this very rink, for Martial Arts Figure Skating."
"Could be Martial Arts Basket Weaving for all I care, I'll
win anyway," Ranma said. "And make you wish you hadn't tried
that."
"Very well. Come, Azusa," he said, tugging the girl along.
K-Chan bweed angrily, but couldn't get away.
"RANMA!!" Akane yelled. "HOW... HOW could you just... you
let them... and then you... ARGH!"
"What?" Ranma asked.
"First of all, you LET them take your pet pig! Second, why
on earth are you getting into a brawl over my honor?"
"It's not that," Ranma denied. "Just don't like that guy's
attitude any. Besides, you said it yourself, if it wasn't for
all these fights, I'd be bored."
"Yeah, but--"
"Don't worry, Akane, I'll win. It's got Martial Arts in the
title... what was the second part again?"
"Figure Skating!"
Ranma paused. "Skating?"

*

(continued in pt. 2)