Happy Christmas
AN: First one shot in a long time. A quick glimpse of the veil before the veil. Enjoy.
The large window was open, beckoning the frosty air of winter into the already freezing cold room. The white linen curtains filled with it, ghosting like a breath into the room and then retreating back. He sat in the corner, his hair a mess, an old thread bare blanket wrapped around his shoulders. The cigarette in his hand was the only light in the room. The smoke snaked in an eerie coil above his head as he rocked slightly.
Remus stood in the doorway watching his best friend with deep concern etched in his features, wondering just how long he had holed himself in the room alone. He wasn't sure Sirius even knew he was there until Sirius started speaking, his voice hoarse.
"I wasn't supposed to end up like this Remus." He looked down at his arm and ran a light finger down his grim tattoo. "They took me and no one asked any questions. I was just shocked, it didn't matter what they asked, I couldn't move. I was paralyzed. They could have done anything to prove my innocence but they knew the blood running through my veins was enough for a conviction." He met his friend's eyes from across the room, blazing with intensity.
"I died the same night Lils and James did. I wasn't Sirius Black, idiot quarter of the Marauders any more. I was Sirius Black, heir to the Black throne and traitor to our cause."
He looked away, "I can't be the same again. I'll never be the same again. I can pretend only because Harry needs me to. Only because you need me to. I haven't felt anything but remorse and rage since that night."
Remus watched him, his heart crushing in his chest. "You will. You lived under the dementors for too long Sirius. It will come back. It has to come back"
Sirius laughed bleakly, looking up at him. "Remember when I was the optimistic one Moony?" he waved a hand.
"We'll clear your name Sirius. I swear it."
"And then what?" he snapped, standing and pacing, "I'll just settle down with Harry and we'll have a grand old time?" he spat scathingly. "Voldemort is off hunting him right now, seeing into his mind, dreaming into his dreams, and all I can do is sit and watch and hide away like a hermit." Sirius took a deep breath, both hands running through his hair. Stress was stretching the skin around his eyes giving him a the look of someone haunted.
"They clear me and I become the number one target Moony! Arrogance and ego can only get me so far. I'll run as far as I can, fight until I can't move, still they'll get me one day, and what will I have done for Harry?! Shit all. Break his fucking heart all over again. I should have never let him know I existed, just killed that fucking rat when I had the chance and gotten the hell out." His voice shook the walls, his hands clenched in fists, trembling. Silence stretched and broken only by the deep breaths Sirius was taking to stay calm. When he spoke again, his voice was barely above a whisper.
"I just- I wanted to see him Remus… I needed to see him. To reassure myself that James was still alive somehow. That not everything we did was in vain. That the years of friendship and..." he gulped, voice breaking "love, was not a construct that I built to survive the dementors."
Remus crept forward, placing a hand on his friend's arm. "It wasn't a construct Sirius. You guys saved my life." Remus took a deep breath, looking older than his 36 years.
"and you may die, and so could I. Harry could die even, but we deserve to find happiness in the time we're allotted."
Sirius looked away, his eyes finding the dull grey light of oncoming dawn out the grimy window of Grimmauld place, "you taught me that a long time ago Sirius. Do you remember?"
Sirius shook his head no, tears welling behind his eyes and catching the gray light.
"Well you did." Remus snapped, "you told a scared, lonely little boy that if I let the monsters inside me keep me from living, that it would be the worst fate of all." Remus let out a rueful laugh "I believe you also said you would rather me eat you then let me spend another full moon by myself, which seemed a bit counter productive, even at the time."
Sirius snorted.
"You had no choice when it came to being locked up. Had you have tried to fight, they would have found some excuse to throw you in that shit hole anyway. You did what James would have wanted you to do. What I remember the Sirius Black of old would have done. You ran to Harry's rescue the moment your feet touched free earth."
Remus took a few steadying breaths, steeling himself. His eyes raked over the haggard, broken and frankly terrifying form of his oldest, dearest friend. "I'll only tell you this once Sirius, lighten the fuck up mate. That's from me and James too. You really think that he would put up with your sulking? Play it long enough and you'll forget to pretend to be happy and do it on instinct." Remus stated pouring them both a drink.
"Now drink up, it's Christmas! Everyone should be here soon." He lifted his glass and downed it in a gulp before pouring himself another, his hand shaking.
Sirius obliged and drank before slamming the tumbler on the table. Remus refiled it with more whiskey and ice this time.
The sound of the front door banging open and his deceased mother's shrieks filled the room. They both cringed.
"Sirius!?" Harry's voice rang excited and full of happiness from the bottom of the stairs.
Remus collected his coat and stepped into the floo. "It's my round for patrols. Merry Christmas mate, I'll be back around 11."
Remus dropped the powder, but before he could state his destination Sirius looked up, a quick hand wiping the stray moisture from his eyes, "Moony… Thanks." he stated quietly.
Remus smiled knowingly and left in a whoosh of floo, leaving the room feeling devastatingly empty. Sirius took one more gulp of his drink and transfigured his shirt into a horrendous Christmas sweater. "Up here Harry! Happy Christmas!" He exclaimed, forcing a smile and scourifying the glass before heading towards the source of the commotion.