Ranma 1/2 : The Ends
A Spoof Chase Production
(http://www.maison-otaku.net/spoof)
A Ranma 1/2 FanFic by Stefan "Twoflower" Gagne
(All characters copyright Rumiko-san, obviously. If I ever
even considered claiming that these were my own characters
I'd probably be thrown into a small cell where I'd be forced
to eat my own prozac to live.)
-=-
AUTHOR'S DISCLAIMER AND WARNING! PLEASE READ :
If you're not in the mood for a hard to prepare meal, why
not try new Meals-Ready-To-Eat, from your conveniently
located domestic military power? Not only do they fulfill
your daily nourishment requirements of vitamins and minerals
and calories, but they come in conveniently camouflaged,
easy to store packages. Just the thing for the family on
the go or the small invasion force seeking a quick bite
before deposing a tyrant and setting up a democratic system
of government which will shortly be corrupted by bribery and
seductive double agents and allow a puppet government to be
slipped into place so that your homeland can be controlled
by sinister powers half a continent away and drained of all
its natural resources, left barren and lifeless as little
more than a burned out shell of a country! Continuity takes
place well before volume 38.
*
"...and they lived happily ever after," Akane concluded,
looking up brightly from the paper she held.
Nabiki was nonplussed.
"So, did you like it?" Akane asked.
"No," Nabiki said flatly. "It wasn't realistic."
"What??"
"Let me get this straight," Nabiki said, leaning forward for
that sort of sitting ethos you can only get from invading
someone's personal space without actually moving your rear. "The
fighter, the princess, the amazon and the cook are all facing
down the evil dragon that's terrorizing the land. The fighter's
curse isn't lifted by killing the dragon, but he decides to go
ahead and marry the princess anyway. Am I right?"
"Right."
"Right. So, they have the wedding, and the amazon and the
cook and the evil sorceress they ditched a few pages back all
storm in and stop the wedding... 'AND they lived happily ever
after'?"
"Well... see, they're still GOING to get married. Just not
at that moment then because the others interrupted."
"But the others still want the fighter to be their husband,
right?"
"Right."
"Right. So... how can they live happily ever after? Nothing
really changed."
"Because each of the girls has a partner they'll eventually
marry, and then they'll leave the warrior alone so he and the
princess can be wed!" Akane protested.
"But they still interrupted things," Nabiki noted. "That
shows they still want him. They're still in love with the prat.
If anything, they went to NEW violent extremes to try to get him
away from the princess. What makes you think they'll grow up and
abandon it later?"
"It's supposed to be assumed!"
"I'm just not seeing it," Nabiki shrugged. "Given past
history? They'll stick to him like glue. So, there's no real
closure to the story. It doesn't really end, it just keeps going
like it had been going before. Maybe if you changed the ending."
"Changed it to what?"
"You're the one doing the assignment, not me. I've already
got an A in creative writing. Better figure it out yourself."
"Oohhh, Nabiki!" Akane grumbled. "Fine! RANMA! How would
YOU end the story?"
Both girls turned to look at the noble martial artist,
currently busy draped across the couch to watch the final episode
of Maison Ikokku.
"Hrm?" he asked, looking up.
"My story for class. How would you end it?" Akane asked,
waving the paper at him.
"What story? I haven't been paying attention."
Fortunately, they would be rerunning that episode in a few
months, because Ranma wasn't conscious for the big finale.
*
Ranma held the icepack to his head, reading over the
typewritten pages Akane had told him he'd better read before
tomorrow or else.
He had retreated to the roof, supposedly in order to get
some peace and quiet so he could read Akane's story, but mostly
because he didn't want anybody watching over his shoulder while
he did so. Specifically Akane.
She had been working on the thing for several days now,
claiming she couldn't make it work out the way she wanted. Often
Ranma would see her pacing around the house, with that frustrated
look she often had whenever he had supposedly done something
wrong and she was angry at him; this time, however, she said it
was 'writer's block'. Ranma just steered clear of her, and did
his martial arts, or watched TV, or even just stared at the wall.
It beat getting involved with the stupid tomboy when she was like
this, all touchy and stuff.
Ranma just didn't get why she cared so much about the
project. It was just schoolwork, after all. He asked once, and
got his answer (and a mallet as a bonus prize). "You'd know if
you'd read it, baka!" was her retort. Of course, if he DID read
it, he'd better have the right response to it, or life could get
far, far worse for him very quickly.
Not much choice now, he grumbled. He perused the pages and
the paragraphs, pondering the plot in a partially perplexed
poise.
It seemed to be a basic fantasy story, like you'd see in one
of those animes where people wave around swords, get into wars
and yell each other's names in combat scenes. It started with a
princess, whose rather stupid father was king of a small country
called Eriman. The father and a king from a country called
Aotomes had agreed to wed the two families together, and
introduced the princess to the captain of the guard, the prince
of Aotomes. A strong, handsome fighter, but the fighter and the
princess argued a lot even though the princess really liked the
fighter and hoped he liked her too.
But then an evil sorceress showed up in a magician's duel to
try to split them, then a crazy amazon warrior from a jungle
kingdom, then a cook who apparently was a former girlfriend of
the fighter, and the princess was constantly worrying that these
girls would ruin her chance at a happy ending. Lots of stuff
happened, the group went to the land of Hinac to slay a dragon
called Usenkyoj that would cure an enchantment on the prince,
then they had a wedding but it got interrupted and they all lived
happily ever after.
Bleah. What kind of a story was that? Like one guy would
really get all those girls after him, or like one accident after
another would keep happening. And the ending was weird; the
girls supposedly had found other guys, but they still wanted the
fighter? And nobody really got married?
Ranma was about to decide to go tell Akane she needed to
work on the thing more, when a moment of clarity hit him upside
the head.
It so happens that somehow, the stars aligned at that exact
moment so that for no scientifically explainable reason, Ranma
had a burst of logical power beyond his normal facilities that
enabled him to sit bolt upright, clutching the paper, and exclaim
in a surprised tone :
"Hey, wait... this is about US!!"
*
Life began crashing down on Ranma that night like a load of
life.
He had just experienced a real eye opener. In seventeen
double-spaced pages he'd seen his entire life in this town nicely
summarized, all the problems, all the strife, the good bits and
the bad bits that always interrupted the good bits, all the fears
and concerns. And it scared the bejeezus out of him.
Ranma had never really put much thought to it. Sure, he
knew in a general sense that his life was more complicated than
he'd wanted it to be, but the scope of it... the fiancees, the
rivals, the enemies and fights, looping onto itself time and time
again with near misses at success and repeated disappointments.
The effect was akin to walking around with two martinis in
your bloodstream for a year, then having someone step up behind
you and stick a needle full of black coffee in your arm.
Ranma had always figured that as long as he kept himself
strong, and a good martial artist, and tried not to get killed,
everything would work itself out nicely. The story was a little
vague in areas, and tended to favor the princess over the others,
but it set the rusty gerbil wheel of his mind a-spinny. Of
course Akane would feel awful about the whole mess, how she'd
have to worry about the others stealing him away. Of course
Ukyou would have the conflict of being a friend and a fiancee.
Of course Shampoo would unrelentingly try anything she could to
get him. Of course... well, no, Kodachi was an insane freak
before she met him.
The vastness of the entire enchilada was staggering. It was
a tangled maze of hate, love and screwups, twisted into itself
sixty thousand times, with a little red dot off center and a
little red arrow and little red words reading YOU ARE HERE and a
taunting EXIT somewhere a mile away. It was numbing to the core
to try to grasp it.
Just to make matters worse, the second wave of his moment of
clarity hit him a little to the left of the first one, in the
form of an important, but simple question :
Now what?
Akane's story had a proposed ending, where they tried to get
married. Hogwash! Like he'd marry that uncute tomboy... but,
well... given the very hypothetical, never-could-happen-but-
wonder-if situation of him wanting to marry her, would it happen
this way? Probably. The other girls wouldn't let it go
uncontested. Maybe they'd even be driven to use bombs and
weapons and such. That would be... bad. Ranma didn't want that.
It didn't really solve anything, is the problem. No, not
the problem, the challenge.
A challenge!
Of course! It was a challenge for Ranma to figure out the
way to get a nice, happy ending for everybody. So maybe there
could be some peace and quiet and the people he knew would have
lives they could, well, live with. All his life was preparing
him for this moment! He WOULD find a solution! Ranma ALWAYS
wins the fight, even if it takes a few rounds and some trips to
the emergency room to get there!
Boldly, Ranma stepped forward into a bright new tomorrow
with no more indecision and walked directly off the roof.
*
Akane looked up at the entirely too familiar splash, put
down her shoujo manga and ran into the backyard.
"Ranma!" she called. "Are you alright?"
A sputtering, dejected looking Ranma pulled herself out of
the pond. The papers of Akane's story fluttered the thankfully
dry ground. Ranma envied them.
"I'm fine," Ranma said, the surprise and shock of cold water
having knocked him back to his normally dull senses. "Go heat
some water, willya? It's freezing out here tonight."
"Umm... did you..." Akane asked, shuffling her
bunnyslippered feet nervously.
"Huh?"
"You know."
"No, what?"
"The story."
"Oh."
"Yeah."
"That?"
"Uh-huh."
"Ah."
Pause.
"I'm not sure about the ending," Ranma said, in the
flattest, most honest, most sincere tones she could muster.
"Really? Neither was I, but... well, I didn't know how else
to end it," Akane said, with disappointed tones. "I just...
couldn't figure out anything else."
"Do you want any help with it?" Ranma asked, wringing out
her shirt.
"Help?"
"You know, with the ending. I'd like to help you find a
better one."
"Really?" Akane asked, brightening like a halogen lamp.
"You've got a better idea??"
"No."
"But--"
"At least, not yet," Ranma noted. "When's the project due?"
"Not until after the weekend--"
"Akane, I swear to you on my family name I will have a
better ending by Monday, so you can finish your story!" Ranma
declared, in the same tone he normally used in declaring that he
would kick some princely ass to rescue Akane from whoever
kidnapped her this time.
Akane beamed like one of those spotlights they rent out to
announce the opening of a new supermarket.
"Six hundred yen says he doesn't make it," Nabiki asided to
Kasumi, listening from the living room.
*
Ranma had set his Lum alarm clock to wake him bright and
early the next morning, at 7 AM, so he'd have the entire day to
devote to the fight. So excited was he that he stayed up doing
some preliminary thinking, sort of a training session for the
challenge. He was surprised at how limp and flaccid his mental
powers were, when he went through some of the Mensa mind
exercises in the book Nabiki had loaned him. He doubled his
efforts, determined not to be too weak to face up to this, and to
become a mean, lean, cognitive machine.
In other words, he squinted at funny words with lots of
syllables in them until falling asleep at 3 AM, then got zapped
by the Lum clock four hours later.
He slumped, exhausted and spent, into the bathroom where he
fell asleep with the toothbrush in his mouth for another hour and
a half before setting out on his new geas, cursing his luck at
losing time to such a frivolous thing as sleep. He had a
deadline here and a fight to win, after all.
Fortunately, in his planning session, he had developed a
plan. The idea was this; he'd sample the ideas for the end of
the story from everyone he knew, cleverly masking that he was
actually trying to solve his life. Then, he'd pick the one that
sounded best, and go with it. 'Two heads are better than one,'
the book had said. What could be better than approximately a
dozen or more heads? Yah, he had this thing LICKED.
*
"Aiya, ending bad!" Shampoo gasped, as she reached the last
line.
"Yes, exactly," Ranma nodded enthusiastically. "The problem
is that it ends up not really making anybody happy, or satisfying
the goals of--"
"Amazon no get fighter. Is very bad, yes?"
"--eh?"
"Way Shampoo see it," Shampoo said, pointing to the
offending page, "Girl who really deserve fighter is amazon.
Amazon stronger, love fighter more. Have legal right according
to jungle kingdom law! Therefore amazon marry fighter. Is only
way have happy ending. Way is, not only fighter no get married
to amazon, but it say that maybe amazon eventually like stupid
jungle boy with hidden weapon!"
"But it implies that she really--"
"She never marry stupid jungle boy. Shampoo get good feel
for character! Character no do that, not when amazon can marry
fighter. Yes, that best ending. Ranma like?"
Ranma's pigtail drooped.
*
"Hmm," Ryouga thought, reading the pages. "Okay, so... the
rouge barbarian who hates the fighter wants the princess. So why
doesn't he get the princess?"
"Because he has the farmer."
"Yeah, but this barbarian seems to have a good and noble
heart. He'd never want to hurt the princess, or the farmer, or
abandon either of them. Especially not to that disgusting
fighter. So he'd probably not know which way to go."
"Ryouga, he HAS to marry the farmer. It's just what's going
to happen, okay?" Ranma said. "That's not the part I wanted help
on, anyway!"
"Shut up! I'm trying to look at all the angles here!"
Ryouga barked. "Okay, okay. Let's accept that the barbarian
will go with the farmer. If this is right, which doesn't SEEM
right, the fighter and the princess belong together, anyway; the
barbarian would see that in the long run. Besides, he does love
the farmer. That's a happy ending. What's the problem?"
"Not the barbarian, you pig headed idiot, the FIGHTER.
What's the fighter going to do? That's the crux of what makes
the others happy or unhappy! What can he do to make sure
everything works?"
"Who cares what the fighter does? He always messes things
up anyway. It's a comedy gag, right? He can't win. That'll
never change. You're taking this too seriously."
Ranma dumped a bucket of water over Ryouga's head and moved
on.
*
"This ending is all WRONG! The ogre should get all the
girls and all their underwear, so he can look at his pretty
ladies all the time, and their--"
Ranma smashed Happousai over the head. "Why did I even
BOTHER asking you?!"
*
Ranma slumped into Ucchan's, limp papers in one hand, a loss
of hope in his eyes and a few cuts and bruises from when he
suggested to Kodachi that maybe the evil sorceress wasn't
supposed to win in the end and dominate the earth and crush all
her enemies.
He'd gone down the list of everybody who might possibly have
something sane to say about this. He wrote up the list last
night, then sorted it alphabetically to keep his mental reflexes
in shape. A-T had turned up nothing acceptable. His brilliant
strategy had resulted in half baked theories and selfish answers.
Now he was on the last person he could think of, in the Us.
Ucchan. She would know what to do. Ucchan was always a
good friend; in a lot of ways, she was the ONLY friend Ranma had.
There was Hiroshi and Daisuke, sure, but they weren't really
friends, just... people who... happened to be around him
sometimes. They didn't say much.
Good old Ucchan. Best buddy Ucchan. Always there to listen
to him, to give him a hearty, manly slap on the back and keep him
going. Ucchan would definitely see this clearly and know what to
do, in a calm, unbiased way. Like a best friend would.
"Ran-chan!" Ukyou cheered, leaping over the counter and
running up to give him a big, warm, happy hug. "I'm glad to see
you! Hey, do you want to have some dinner and go to the movies?
There's a new Jane Austin adaptation playing!"
Then again, she was also a fiancee. Funny how folks forgot
that every now and then.
"Umm... later, okay, Ucchan?" Ranma said, worming his way
away from her and onto a seat at the grill. "I've sort of got a
problem to work out first."
Ukyou assumed her position of authority behind the primary
cooking surface. "Go on."
"It's this story..." he said, handing her the now quite
wrinkled papers. "Akane wrote it, but she doesn't like the
ending. Nobody who's read it likes the ending, not even me. So,
I told her I'd help her think of one..."
"Hmmm," Ukyou nodded, flipping through the pages. "You want
my advice, right?"
"You got it, Ucchan."
Ukyou plopped a full tray of supreme okonomiyakis with
Ranma's favorite toppings in front of him. "Eat those, I'll be
back in a minute."
*
Sixteen minutes and enough okonomiyaki to feed Bangladesh
later, Ukyou returned, furrowing her brow.
"Sh, dff yhhahhneea?" Ranma asked.
"Swallow first, Ran-chan."
Ranma swallowed. "So, do you have any ideas?"
"For the story or for your life?" Ukyou asked, smirking.
Ranma choked violently.
Ukyou quickly delivered the heimlich, which she often had to
do when Ranma got a little too enthusiastic about her cooking,
and everything was back in rights after a moment.
"My life? Um... what makes you think I was actually asking
anything like that?" Ranma asked, a little sweatdrop forming on
the back of his head.
"Come on, Ran-chan. I'd have to be a total yogurt-head not
to see it," Ukyou laughed. "This story's obviously a parable
about your life and your problems, and trying to work a
conclusion to them."
"I keep forgetting you score high marks in literature..."
"Akane wrote this, huh?"
"Yeah. You're so smart, Ucchan," Ranma smiled, goofily.
"Not enough, I'm afraid," she sighed. "I've got no idea how
to end this either. Except maybe to have you and me get married
then run way the hell away from here to live alone and
untroubled..."
"Can't happen."
"Do you love Akane?"
Ranma swallowed again. "Eh?"
"Is that why you're concerned? Do you love Akane, Ran-
chan...?"
"I... I just want everybody to be happy, okay, Ucchan?"
Ranma said. "That's what I want. So everybody is happy, Akane,
you, everybody. If I marry Akane, Shampoo, you, Ko... you...
someone ends up unhappy. There's got to be a way around it,
right? I can't just run away from it, either."
"I didn't figure you would. Sorry... it was just a thought.
I had to check."
"Check."
"Hmm. So, the question is of the future," Ukyou said,
scratching her chin thoughtfully. "What to do for the happy
ending. You need professional help, Ran-chan."
"I don't need to see some head shrink, Ucchan."
"No, no, professional help about the FUTURE..."
*
Once upon a time, there was a new girl at Furinkan High.
Like any new student, she wanted to make a good impression, and
the best way to do that was to impress the students. So, she did
some tarot card readings to amaze the natives.
In fact, Miyo was involved in Ranma's life at one time.
Shortly after her arrival in school, she had predicted Akane and
Ranma's wedding. It turned out Happosai was dying (she predicted
that, too) and Soun and Genma agreed to marry the two before he
departed this world.
However, in the end, Happosai recovered, the two didn't
marry and everybody laughed except the people involved, and life
went back to its daily routine. This actually happened, and
those who know would verify it.
"I think maybe you should see Miyo again, Ranma," Ukyou had
suggested. "It's been awhile, so you might not remember her, but
I recall Akane telling a friend of hers who told me about Miyo's
powers. She's psychic. She's into all that new age stuff, and
predicting the future. What you need, Ran-chan, is a
professional expert about time and space."
"You really believe all that stuff? I mean, it's just a
bunch of 1-900 number fake--"
"Ran-chan. I'm engaged to a sex changing martial artist
with a magic chinese curse who's tangled with mystical creatures
of legend and been under a thousand and one enchantments,
potions, curses and pressure points whose results seem
miraculous. Somehow, I think I can swallow someone who can read
the future. Besides, it can't hurt, right?"
That led Ranma to the phone book, which lead him to the
phone, which resulted into a quick phone call confirming that she
wasn't busy today and would be happy to lend a hand, which
finally placed him at her doorstep.
"Hello," Miyo greeted, opening the door a full two seconds
before he had a chance to ring the bell. "I've been expecting
you."
*
Ranma peeked curiously at the piles of random mystic
doodads, lurking on dusty shelves around Miyo's room.
Her mother had greeted Ranma quite nicely, and gave Miyo
some words of encouragement about making new friends. The girl,
whose strange eyes turned with annoyance at her mother, quietly
hustled Ranma off to her workroom in the basement after that.
She only went back upstairs to fetch some lemonade.
"Is there something wrong?" Ranma asked.
"It's mom," Miyo sighed. "She's worried I don't have any
friends. The last time I really got to know anybody was back
when I was helping Akane with the old man..."
"Yah, I remember that," Ranma lied.
"Of course, you have lots of friends, right?"
"Actually... um."
"Yes?"
"I'm not sure I have any," Ranma said sheepishly. "No
really solid good friends, I mean. Ryouga's friendly, at least,
when he's not trying to kill me... Ucchan is friendly when she's
not trying to date me... Hiroshi and Daisuke are friendly when
they're not just hanging around in the background or asking me if
I can spare a girl or two..."
Miyo tapped her table. "Sounds complicated."
"Actually, I have the Reader's Digest version right here,"
Ranma said, passing the dogeared pages to the fortune teller.
Miyo accepted the papers curiously. "This is...?"
"It's a story," Ranma said. "A.. a person I know wrote it.
It's sort of a parabola."
"Parable."
"Yah, one of those. It's LIKE my life, only, it's not my
life. You know."
Miyo nodded, and began to read. Ranma sat down in a rickety
folding chair at the card table, which had been topped with a
nice blue silk cloth, with a large crystal ball in the center.
He squinted, trying to look inside it, but it wasn't a clear
crystal, it was one of those murky ones like you had accidentally
poured milk into rubber cement and frozen it, only without the
smell.
Time passed.
"So, you predict the future?" he asked, conversationally.
"Uh-huh. It's a hobby."
"Didn't you predict Akane and I would get married within the
week that time?" Ranma said, from Ukyou's memory.
"Uh-huh."
"But... we didn't."
"The future isn't set," Miyo explained, putting down the
story for a moment. "It's dynamic."
"It explodes?" Ranma gaped.
"No, no. Dynamic. That means it changes a lot, according
to whatever the conditions are... the future is just whatever the
present will be given the past in the future."
"Uhhh."
"In layman's terms, nobody knows for sure. You can just see
what MIGHT happen," Miyo said. "Things might have turned out
that you were married that week, and the old man might have
died."
"That would have been swell," Ranma nodded, not indicating
what part was the swell part.
"Anyway, what I can do for you is show you what could happen
in the future. There's a lot of possibilities. Maybe you'll see
one you like, and can work to get it."
"Great! When do we start?"
"Now would be fine," she smiled. "I read fast. I must say,
you live in interesting times."
"Huh?"
"If I didn't know any better, I'd say someone was
manipulating this," she said. "Normal people don't live like
this. They don't have these problems, at least, not in this
scale. Fate is dynamic but it can be shaped in ways... like if
some god was watching over you, and turning chance so all of this
developed."
"Umm... you mean someone's making my life miserable? On
PURPOSE?" Ranma gaped. "What kind of sadistic bastard..."
Miyo laughed. "Ranma, I'm kidding. Obviously that's not
the case! Nobody has that kind of power, not for real. And if
they did, they wouldn't use it so irresponsibly."
"...oh. Okay. So, um, the future?" Ranma smiled nervously.
Miyo nodded, and turned off the lights in the room.
*
Hands waved over the crystal ball, lit only by the candles
set up in ritual patterns. Miyo chanted in a low tone, eyes
closed in concentration.
Other than that, nothing was happening.
Ranma fidgeted nervously. "Umm..."
Miyo sagged, letting go of the ball. "It's not working. I
can't get a clear picture of your future. Maybe the ball isn't
in harmony with you, or the power is weak today, or maybe it's
the cold..."
"So it's on the fritz?"
"In a way."
Ranma smiled, then leaned across the table, and delivered a
sharp blow to the side of the crystal. It flared with light
briefly, then turned completely transparent.
Miyo blinked.
"It works on the TV," Ranma shrugged.
"Uh. Right. It seems to be in harmony now," she smiled.
"So, whatever works. Now, you have a question about the future.
Touch the ball. Concentrate, and ask."
Ranma reached forward, pressing his fingertips to the cold
surface of the crystal. He focused. This was important to him.
Akane was upset, she wrote this story as the only way she could
express her feelings, and gave it to him... to help find an
ending. He had to find the ending. He had to make Akane happy.
All his life led to this moment. The brink of truth, where
the ocean of reality lapped at the shores of time. This was the
moment. He would know now.
"What do I do to solve my problems and have everybody live
happily ever after?" he asked.
A little blue triangle bobbed to the crystal's surface.
'ANSWER UNCLEAR - ASK AGAIN LATER.'
After Miyo helped Ranma off the floor and batted his cheeks
until he returned to his senses, they resumed their places at the
table.
"It didn't work," Ranma said, stating the obvious with an
air of wisdom.
"You can't ask that specific of a question about the
future," Miyo said. "This isn't a cartoon. You need to... to
feel for the shape of the future. To sense all the shapes, and
try to guide them slowly, in little amounts. Start smaller.
I'll help."
"Okay. Okay, I think I understand," Ranma nodded. He
touched the ball again, and focused, perhaps a little less
enthusiastically. He concentrated. What if he found some way to
marry Akane without anybody knowing?
And everything became foggy and cool.
Soun wasn't pleased at the wedding arrangements. He
wanted his daughter married in a large family ceremony, for
all the world to see.
Nobody told him they'd have to hide in the basement of
the Saotome house, across town from the dojo, and post
guards at the door to make sure no uninvited guests showed
up.
Ranma looked around nervously. The day was no picnic
for him either. He had to rent a tux in another city, to
prevent any word from getting back to Nerima. He snuck into
this building, while female and in a heavy overcoat and
really big floppy hat, all to prevent anybody from looking.
But he was almost SURE Sasuke had spotted him. It wouldn't
be long before the invasion commenced.
"Marriage is a sacred institution," the priest said,
droning on continually. "It must be taken in all
seriousness, and engaged in non-lightly; for together, for
the rest of your lives, you will support each other and--"
"Can we get the lead out, father?" Ranma asked quietly.
"We need to hurry before they show up."
Akane nodded. Despite the stunningly beautiful wedding
gown, she had the nervous twitch of someone expecting
impending doom any minute now.
"Do you have the ring?" the man said, skipping forward
in his little book while a distant rumble could be heard.
Before Ranma could start to pat his pockets, the door
exploded inward, and every fiancee he'd acquired stormed in,
all shouting forms of 'I Object.'
Ranma blinked, waving the fog away from his eyes. "No, no...
that's not going to work. *COUGH* Stupid crystal..."
Miyo set up an electric fan, and cleared the table of any
remaining mystic smoke. "It's a possibility, however. You did
enquire..."
"I know, I know. Can I try again?"
"Of course."
"Good. Now, then... ball, show me... umm..."
"Try just thinking it. It works better that way,
sometimes."
Ranma grumpily thought that perhaps things would be better
if he just left town, and settled down to phrase the question to
the--
"The national manhunt continues," the TV reporter
announced, "For the lost Saotome boy. Feared kidnapped, or
at the very least not wearing proper outdoor clothing
according to his mother's worries, we--"
"Akane, he WILL come back," Kasumi smiled. "It's just
a matter of time. In the meantime, why don't you put away
the wedding dress?"
"No. No. No," Akane repeated, left eye twitching. "I'm
going to be ready when he gets back. RIGHT when he gets
back."
"She's right, Akane," Nabiki nodded. "If the cops
don't find him, Shampoo's cousins will. I've never seen so
many armed women in one place before. Of course, if THEY
find him, they might detour to China before coming here, if
at all..."
Akane twitched.
"I'm sure they'll bring him right back," Kasumi smiled
absently. "Say, where is Ukyou?"
"She's still holed up in Ucchan's," Nabiki shrugged,
disinterestedly. "Something about not wanting to see light
of day until Ranma's safe and sound. Although she DID walk
out onto the ledge on the second floor of her restaurant
yesterday. Good thing Dr. Tofu talked her out of jumping."
"Oh my."
"GAAAH!" Ranma yelped. "NO! That's bad. Very very bad.
Okay. Running's out. Umm..."
Miyo patted Ranma's shoulder. "Keep trying. It's unusual,
but sometimes it does take a few tries to get an acceptable
answer."
"Right. Hey, you think this would be easier if I could cure
my curse first?--"
"At last! The cure!" Ranma said, holding the bottle of
chinese magic over his head. "Now I can be a full man!" And
marry Akane as a full man, he thought to himself quietly.
Ranma uncorked the bottle, and poured it over his head.
At first it seemed nothing had happened. Then he noticed
the girl standing next to him.
"YAAA!" Ranma yelled, as did the redheaded, pigtailed
girl.
"You're me!" they shouted at each other.
"No, I'M me!"
"Am not!"
Then they got into a fight. Fortunately, the shock
didn't last long. Then the identity crisis set in as the
male Ranma was gleefully accepted to be Ranma, and the other
Ranma had to settle for being 'Ranko' and learning how to be
a woman while Ranma stole her life.
Miyo turned the fan on HIGH, to blow the extra smog effects
out of the way.
"That was... odd," Ranma said. "Very odd."
"Is being a girl that bad?" Miyo asked. "Looks like the
cure could be worse."
"Given the choice? The curse would be better. I mean, what
if I got turned into a girl full time? It'd be awful. I'd have
to worry about all sorts of girl stuff, and I couldn't mar..
um.."
Miyo laughed. "You could get pregnant like a girl."
Ranma's eyes widened in horror--
"My own son, a freak of nature! Why did this have to
BE?!" Genma bawled, tears soaring like Niagra Falls.
"Dad! I was hoping you'd be supportive..." Ranma said,
rubbing her belly. "I mean... I want to have this baby.
I'm going to."
Nodoka loomed behind them, katana raised. "If my son
doesn't want to be a man..."
"I don't think I want to use this ball anymore thank you,"
Ranma babbled, gripping the table.
"I understand," Miyo nodded, knowingly. "I'll turn it off."
She waved her hands in a complex pass over the ball, and
chanted.
Nothing was happening.
"Nothing's happening," Ranma commented.
"Something's wrong," Miyo said. "It's still making smoke.
It won't turn off. How many possible futures COULD you have?"
"Maybe we should get out of here before--"
Ranma yawned, and got out of bed. He was spent, from
the night's activities, and more than a little sore. But it
kept them happy, so he persevered.
Careful not to wake Akane, Shampoo or Ukyou, he got up
and went to brush his teeth--
"Run! It's overloadi--"
Ranma's head hung low, as he sat in front of the bar,
untouched whisky glaring at him. Too long, he had waited
too long. He made them wait too long for him to make up his
mind, to take action. Shampoo found a legal loophole that
let her go home and sadly took that course. Ukyou tried to
hang on as his friend, but who was she kidding? She wanted
to be more than friends. Now she drank as much as him, to
keep from thinking about it.
And Akane... she always was the one to act before
thinking. Even with decisions that she'd pay for with the
rest of her lif--
Ranma screamed. For obvious reasons.
Now that Shampoo had died in that boating accident,
life was simpler. Akane relaxed more, since she saw Shampoo
as far less fair in her crusade to win Ranma, and formed a
truce with Ukyou; no fighting until he makes up his mind.
Which he had to do. But he loved Akane dearly, and even
loved Ukyou... both now were treating him well and trying to
be there for him. But how could they understand? He
couldn't make this decision alone. He'd have to--
Ranma sat in meditation with the ancient, venerable
Chinese monk he had spent six months tracking down.
Reportedly the wisest man alive, he would surely know what
to do. He'd better, after making Ranma sit in one place for
a week while the monk pondered the problem.
Finally, he spoke.
"Once there was a group of people with your problem,"
he said. "The oni, the letch and the girl. They went to
the land of possible futures, the void of doors, and were
each given an opportunity to create an ideal future in the
form of a doorknob. Several of them discovered that they
could not create their ideal futures without dire
consequences. One which worked, however, was the one where
nothing had changed, and when the group had grown up, they
were still locked in the similar situations they were in
today. This was the girl's ideal outcome. And the creator
smiled, as this is what was intended."
Ranma gaped. "How is THAT a solution??"
The monk shrugged. "You tell me. I only work here."
Ranma hit the monk with a mallet and left. Now what?
He'd have to--
Fortunately Ranma had a long lost brother who had a
fetish for flatware as well, and got along good with Ukyou.
Ryouga and Kodachi showed up to beat him up after that old
fiasco, but they got along well, and things were okay.
Except that somehow something wasn't quite--
After the tuna fish mishap--
Ranma paced in a little circle before the three girls,
nervous and jittery.
"Ukyou... Shampoo... Kodachi. I have a confession to
make, and you're not going to like it," Ranma said, saying
his last prayers. "I... I love Akane. And we want to get
married. And I decided I'm going to be honest with you
about it, and ask, please... don't interfere. I care
about.. most of you but I have to marry Akane. I love her.
Oh, and please don't kill me."
"Okay! Shampoo go back to China now," Shampoo smiled.
"Ranma lucky that if proclaim love for another on day of
solar eclipse, it sign from god saying it not meant to be!
Shampoo know good sign when see. Shampoo miss Ranma, but
maybe find good man back home as good as Ranma, yes?"
"Hey, Ran-chan, it's okay!" Ukyou smiled. "It's not
like I'm gonna go kill myself or something. I'm a modern
girl, I can handle this. I mean, it's disappointing, but
I'm still your friend, right?"
"Hai... we're friends," Ranma beamed. "I'd love to
have you as a friend, Ucchan."
"Then we'll be best friends. So don't worry!"
"My, am I glad I'm on that new prescription of
thorazine!" Kodachi laughed, a sane, simple laugh. "I'd
probably have wanted to kill you if not. I wish you and
your dear wife well, Ranma. If you'll excuse me, I have
more charity work to go do in the community."
"Wow, this is GREAT!" Ranma cheered.
"Well... there's one problem," Ukyou said, faltering.
Ranma paused.
"They won't let you have this future," Ukyou sighed.
"Nobody will."
"Wh..what?!"
"I'm sorry, Ran-chan, but we're... what we are. You
can't win. That'll never change. It's not allowed that--"
"STOP IT! STOP IT!"
"I don't know how to stop the ball!"
"Not the ball, it! Everything! Who--"
Ranma died, and the other fiancees mourned.
Akane and Ranma got married, then passed all their
problems onto the next generation, their children; who had
the same problem to face without change.
Ryouga and Akari got married but Akane decided she
loved Ryouga, and pined after him forever.
Shampoo and Ukyou got married and Akane married
Gosunkugi, and Ranma was left alone and very confused about
what the hell had happened.
Everybody died when the giant flying saucer that parked
over Tokyo on July 3rd blew up Tokyo Tower with the green
death ray.
Ranma married Ryouga after being locked into girl form,
and Akane went off with Kunou. Akari was left to tend to
her pigs alone.
Shampoo managed to enchant Ranma to only love her, and
they married. The other girls spent the rest of their lives
trying to rescue him from the magic.
Nodoka killed Ranma for not being a man, and a fiancee
or two while she was at it.
Ranma was beaten severely by Akane, day in and day out,
until he and his only friend were killed at her hands.
A stranger showed up in town who won Nabiki's heart and
got Ranma and Akane married and everybody was happy except
that it wasn't possible.
Ranma and Ukyou evolved beyond friendship but Akane
never really found peace.
Every end, every way around, every way out left more
problems to worry about and more people whose lives got turned
upside down. An infinite realm of possibility that limited
itself to the finite realm of things that weren't acceptable, not
to Ranma, as wave after wave hit him of--
Ranma faced his captor, after a long, gruelling search.
But things weren't going as planned.
"You can't be serious. You want WHAT?"
"You heard me!"
"No way. What were you expecting? Honestly, Ranma,
get real. There's a reputation to maintain. It'll keep
going this way because I want it to, and it'll end how it'll
end."
"Don't I get a say in this?? What makes you get to
decide? What makes ANY of you get to decide?"
"Oh, please. You're not real. So who cares what you
have to say?"
And it ended.
Miyo looked up, panting from the effort of swinging the
mallet. Crushed glass sprayed out from where the crystal ball
was.
Ranma sat on the floor, mind blurred, but slowly recovering.
He felt to make sure he still had his hands, and yes, they were
there. He looked at Miyo to make sure he still had his eyes.
"I think," she said, "You should go home now."
*
Ranma slumped his way back to the dojo, well into the
evening. His eyes puffed from exhaustion, muscles weak from the
brush with probably the most unusual paranormal experience he'd
had since the last paranormal experience he'd had.
Locked into the visions inside Miyo's ball, he had seen the
twisted maze of problems and pitfalls, with the little red dot
reading YOU ARE HERE, the night before. And now he had seen
every way out but the way to the exit that he was hoping for.
It was mind blowing. He couldn't hold onto all of it,
because it gnawed at him, drove him to realize that... that this
position, this situation, might actually be unsolvable. That
however he had gotten here, whoever had put him here, never
really bothered to think of a way out; at least, not a way out
that would realistically work for everybody concerned. A million
answers, all false. Hours spent locked in sync with the
crystal's vision, without a single tolerable, workable outcome.
He probably wouldn't be here if Miyo hadn't managed to smash the
bloody thing.
Overall, Ranma thought, this had been a really lousy day.
He reached the doorstep of the Tendo residence, and
mechanically kicked off his shoes. He walked inside.
Akane was waiting for him.
"Ranma?" she asked. "You look... you look like hell."
"I'm aware," Ranma said, tired. "Akane?"
"Yes, Ranma?"
"About your story..."
"Did you--"
"I know the ending," Ranma said. "It's not much of one, and
I wish I could make it longer, but it's the only thing I could
really be sure of. At least, it's what I'm hoping for..."
With that, he whispered it in her ear.
Akane stepped back... then nodded. And stepped forward to
give Ranma a big hug. She knew this would be the way, really.
Somehow, they'd just have to tough it through... together.
And they lived happily ever after.
The end.
*
AUTHOR'S CLOSING.
Five months and no writing. Not one word. I was beginning
to think the well was dry for good this time, which would suck
since I'm supposed to be doing an HTML-based novel for three
credits next semester.
Inspiration comes in funny places. In this case, it was
talking with Sean Gaffney and Zen. I expressed to them concern
that I had fallen out of the fanfic scene, so they pointed me to
their most notorious works. After I had a nice lie down to
recover from Zen's (brilliant, brilliant, but painfully
depressing work) I got the inspiration to write this story.
Now, couple points I think I'll make while I'm back in the
fold for the time being :
1. You know? I really don't care if it's pretentious or corny,
or surreal beyond normality. I like this one. I'm not
going to put a 'Disclaimer' in front of any more stories
warning people that they might be upsetting, or strange, or
otherwise naughty; these are my words and I'll stand by them
rather than playfully decry them to cover my ass. A trend
I'd love to see in other authors, including Lemon authors.
Be proud of your work.
2. The literary minded might want to scour this sucker for
layers of stuff going on. Despite years of English classes
begging me to find symbolism and meaning in the great novels
of man, I had been basically oblivious to the idea of wheels
within wheels and something working on multiple levels...
until I took a Film Analysis course at UMD. Wow. The
amount of stuff going on even in seemingly simple movies is
staggering. (I figured Aliens was just an action movie; ho
ho, was I wrong.) I've tried to adopt this theory of
telling a basic fictional story and entertaining WHILE
putting in subtext that hints at greater, more philosophical
things -- sometimes subtle, sometimes painfully blatant.
But it beats a flat comedy peice.
3. Thanks go out to my noble proofers George "Hollister" Holt,
David Tai, Jeff Hosmer (who showed me the Miyo episode...
it's real! Episode 39, recently Vizzed), Lee Thompson, Sean
Gaffney, and others. It's good to be back.
Anyway, thanks for reading. It's been a trip for me and
hopefully you. It might be another five months before the next
fanfic, but since I got THIS one done against all odds and common
sense -- I didn't even figure on writing a fanfic from 7pm to 2am
when I woke up today, I figured I'd just go play skeeball and
call it a day -- maybe we'll see some more fics / thinly
disguised metaphorical commentary from me. I don't wanna jinx
it, so I won't say WHAT, but I'll give it a go.
To other aspiring writers out there, I say one thing; strive
to be fresh and original. Even if you get weird doing it, push
outside the standard fare and achieve originality. It's a rush
beyond comprehension, understanding or Mountain Dew.
-Stefan "Twoflower" Gagne
-August 4th, 1997
-2719 Skeeball Tickets and Counting.
PS - I'll be at Otakon '97 in a few days (or less or negative
numbered days, if the moderators are slow :) so if you'd like to
talk to me about this fanfic or fanfic in general, I'll be in
either the Skeeball Wizard t-shirt or the Caffeine Nicotine
costume. I'll be at the fanfic panel, too.
A Spoof Chase Production
(http://www.maison-otaku.net/spoof)
A Ranma 1/2 FanFic by Stefan "Twoflower" Gagne
(All characters copyright Rumiko-san, obviously. If I ever
even considered claiming that these were my own characters
I'd probably be thrown into a small cell where I'd be forced
to eat my own prozac to live.)
-=-
AUTHOR'S DISCLAIMER AND WARNING! PLEASE READ :
If you're not in the mood for a hard to prepare meal, why
not try new Meals-Ready-To-Eat, from your conveniently
located domestic military power? Not only do they fulfill
your daily nourishment requirements of vitamins and minerals
and calories, but they come in conveniently camouflaged,
easy to store packages. Just the thing for the family on
the go or the small invasion force seeking a quick bite
before deposing a tyrant and setting up a democratic system
of government which will shortly be corrupted by bribery and
seductive double agents and allow a puppet government to be
slipped into place so that your homeland can be controlled
by sinister powers half a continent away and drained of all
its natural resources, left barren and lifeless as little
more than a burned out shell of a country! Continuity takes
place well before volume 38.
*
"...and they lived happily ever after," Akane concluded,
looking up brightly from the paper she held.
Nabiki was nonplussed.
"So, did you like it?" Akane asked.
"No," Nabiki said flatly. "It wasn't realistic."
"What??"
"Let me get this straight," Nabiki said, leaning forward for
that sort of sitting ethos you can only get from invading
someone's personal space without actually moving your rear. "The
fighter, the princess, the amazon and the cook are all facing
down the evil dragon that's terrorizing the land. The fighter's
curse isn't lifted by killing the dragon, but he decides to go
ahead and marry the princess anyway. Am I right?"
"Right."
"Right. So, they have the wedding, and the amazon and the
cook and the evil sorceress they ditched a few pages back all
storm in and stop the wedding... 'AND they lived happily ever
after'?"
"Well... see, they're still GOING to get married. Just not
at that moment then because the others interrupted."
"But the others still want the fighter to be their husband,
right?"
"Right."
"Right. So... how can they live happily ever after? Nothing
really changed."
"Because each of the girls has a partner they'll eventually
marry, and then they'll leave the warrior alone so he and the
princess can be wed!" Akane protested.
"But they still interrupted things," Nabiki noted. "That
shows they still want him. They're still in love with the prat.
If anything, they went to NEW violent extremes to try to get him
away from the princess. What makes you think they'll grow up and
abandon it later?"
"It's supposed to be assumed!"
"I'm just not seeing it," Nabiki shrugged. "Given past
history? They'll stick to him like glue. So, there's no real
closure to the story. It doesn't really end, it just keeps going
like it had been going before. Maybe if you changed the ending."
"Changed it to what?"
"You're the one doing the assignment, not me. I've already
got an A in creative writing. Better figure it out yourself."
"Oohhh, Nabiki!" Akane grumbled. "Fine! RANMA! How would
YOU end the story?"
Both girls turned to look at the noble martial artist,
currently busy draped across the couch to watch the final episode
of Maison Ikokku.
"Hrm?" he asked, looking up.
"My story for class. How would you end it?" Akane asked,
waving the paper at him.
"What story? I haven't been paying attention."
Fortunately, they would be rerunning that episode in a few
months, because Ranma wasn't conscious for the big finale.
*
Ranma held the icepack to his head, reading over the
typewritten pages Akane had told him he'd better read before
tomorrow or else.
He had retreated to the roof, supposedly in order to get
some peace and quiet so he could read Akane's story, but mostly
because he didn't want anybody watching over his shoulder while
he did so. Specifically Akane.
She had been working on the thing for several days now,
claiming she couldn't make it work out the way she wanted. Often
Ranma would see her pacing around the house, with that frustrated
look she often had whenever he had supposedly done something
wrong and she was angry at him; this time, however, she said it
was 'writer's block'. Ranma just steered clear of her, and did
his martial arts, or watched TV, or even just stared at the wall.
It beat getting involved with the stupid tomboy when she was like
this, all touchy and stuff.
Ranma just didn't get why she cared so much about the
project. It was just schoolwork, after all. He asked once, and
got his answer (and a mallet as a bonus prize). "You'd know if
you'd read it, baka!" was her retort. Of course, if he DID read
it, he'd better have the right response to it, or life could get
far, far worse for him very quickly.
Not much choice now, he grumbled. He perused the pages and
the paragraphs, pondering the plot in a partially perplexed
poise.
It seemed to be a basic fantasy story, like you'd see in one
of those animes where people wave around swords, get into wars
and yell each other's names in combat scenes. It started with a
princess, whose rather stupid father was king of a small country
called Eriman. The father and a king from a country called
Aotomes had agreed to wed the two families together, and
introduced the princess to the captain of the guard, the prince
of Aotomes. A strong, handsome fighter, but the fighter and the
princess argued a lot even though the princess really liked the
fighter and hoped he liked her too.
But then an evil sorceress showed up in a magician's duel to
try to split them, then a crazy amazon warrior from a jungle
kingdom, then a cook who apparently was a former girlfriend of
the fighter, and the princess was constantly worrying that these
girls would ruin her chance at a happy ending. Lots of stuff
happened, the group went to the land of Hinac to slay a dragon
called Usenkyoj that would cure an enchantment on the prince,
then they had a wedding but it got interrupted and they all lived
happily ever after.
Bleah. What kind of a story was that? Like one guy would
really get all those girls after him, or like one accident after
another would keep happening. And the ending was weird; the
girls supposedly had found other guys, but they still wanted the
fighter? And nobody really got married?
Ranma was about to decide to go tell Akane she needed to
work on the thing more, when a moment of clarity hit him upside
the head.
It so happens that somehow, the stars aligned at that exact
moment so that for no scientifically explainable reason, Ranma
had a burst of logical power beyond his normal facilities that
enabled him to sit bolt upright, clutching the paper, and exclaim
in a surprised tone :
"Hey, wait... this is about US!!"
*
Life began crashing down on Ranma that night like a load of
life.
He had just experienced a real eye opener. In seventeen
double-spaced pages he'd seen his entire life in this town nicely
summarized, all the problems, all the strife, the good bits and
the bad bits that always interrupted the good bits, all the fears
and concerns. And it scared the bejeezus out of him.
Ranma had never really put much thought to it. Sure, he
knew in a general sense that his life was more complicated than
he'd wanted it to be, but the scope of it... the fiancees, the
rivals, the enemies and fights, looping onto itself time and time
again with near misses at success and repeated disappointments.
The effect was akin to walking around with two martinis in
your bloodstream for a year, then having someone step up behind
you and stick a needle full of black coffee in your arm.
Ranma had always figured that as long as he kept himself
strong, and a good martial artist, and tried not to get killed,
everything would work itself out nicely. The story was a little
vague in areas, and tended to favor the princess over the others,
but it set the rusty gerbil wheel of his mind a-spinny. Of
course Akane would feel awful about the whole mess, how she'd
have to worry about the others stealing him away. Of course
Ukyou would have the conflict of being a friend and a fiancee.
Of course Shampoo would unrelentingly try anything she could to
get him. Of course... well, no, Kodachi was an insane freak
before she met him.
The vastness of the entire enchilada was staggering. It was
a tangled maze of hate, love and screwups, twisted into itself
sixty thousand times, with a little red dot off center and a
little red arrow and little red words reading YOU ARE HERE and a
taunting EXIT somewhere a mile away. It was numbing to the core
to try to grasp it.
Just to make matters worse, the second wave of his moment of
clarity hit him a little to the left of the first one, in the
form of an important, but simple question :
Now what?
Akane's story had a proposed ending, where they tried to get
married. Hogwash! Like he'd marry that uncute tomboy... but,
well... given the very hypothetical, never-could-happen-but-
wonder-if situation of him wanting to marry her, would it happen
this way? Probably. The other girls wouldn't let it go
uncontested. Maybe they'd even be driven to use bombs and
weapons and such. That would be... bad. Ranma didn't want that.
It didn't really solve anything, is the problem. No, not
the problem, the challenge.
A challenge!
Of course! It was a challenge for Ranma to figure out the
way to get a nice, happy ending for everybody. So maybe there
could be some peace and quiet and the people he knew would have
lives they could, well, live with. All his life was preparing
him for this moment! He WOULD find a solution! Ranma ALWAYS
wins the fight, even if it takes a few rounds and some trips to
the emergency room to get there!
Boldly, Ranma stepped forward into a bright new tomorrow
with no more indecision and walked directly off the roof.
*
Akane looked up at the entirely too familiar splash, put
down her shoujo manga and ran into the backyard.
"Ranma!" she called. "Are you alright?"
A sputtering, dejected looking Ranma pulled herself out of
the pond. The papers of Akane's story fluttered the thankfully
dry ground. Ranma envied them.
"I'm fine," Ranma said, the surprise and shock of cold water
having knocked him back to his normally dull senses. "Go heat
some water, willya? It's freezing out here tonight."
"Umm... did you..." Akane asked, shuffling her
bunnyslippered feet nervously.
"Huh?"
"You know."
"No, what?"
"The story."
"Oh."
"Yeah."
"That?"
"Uh-huh."
"Ah."
Pause.
"I'm not sure about the ending," Ranma said, in the
flattest, most honest, most sincere tones she could muster.
"Really? Neither was I, but... well, I didn't know how else
to end it," Akane said, with disappointed tones. "I just...
couldn't figure out anything else."
"Do you want any help with it?" Ranma asked, wringing out
her shirt.
"Help?"
"You know, with the ending. I'd like to help you find a
better one."
"Really?" Akane asked, brightening like a halogen lamp.
"You've got a better idea??"
"No."
"But--"
"At least, not yet," Ranma noted. "When's the project due?"
"Not until after the weekend--"
"Akane, I swear to you on my family name I will have a
better ending by Monday, so you can finish your story!" Ranma
declared, in the same tone he normally used in declaring that he
would kick some princely ass to rescue Akane from whoever
kidnapped her this time.
Akane beamed like one of those spotlights they rent out to
announce the opening of a new supermarket.
"Six hundred yen says he doesn't make it," Nabiki asided to
Kasumi, listening from the living room.
*
Ranma had set his Lum alarm clock to wake him bright and
early the next morning, at 7 AM, so he'd have the entire day to
devote to the fight. So excited was he that he stayed up doing
some preliminary thinking, sort of a training session for the
challenge. He was surprised at how limp and flaccid his mental
powers were, when he went through some of the Mensa mind
exercises in the book Nabiki had loaned him. He doubled his
efforts, determined not to be too weak to face up to this, and to
become a mean, lean, cognitive machine.
In other words, he squinted at funny words with lots of
syllables in them until falling asleep at 3 AM, then got zapped
by the Lum clock four hours later.
He slumped, exhausted and spent, into the bathroom where he
fell asleep with the toothbrush in his mouth for another hour and
a half before setting out on his new geas, cursing his luck at
losing time to such a frivolous thing as sleep. He had a
deadline here and a fight to win, after all.
Fortunately, in his planning session, he had developed a
plan. The idea was this; he'd sample the ideas for the end of
the story from everyone he knew, cleverly masking that he was
actually trying to solve his life. Then, he'd pick the one that
sounded best, and go with it. 'Two heads are better than one,'
the book had said. What could be better than approximately a
dozen or more heads? Yah, he had this thing LICKED.
*
"Aiya, ending bad!" Shampoo gasped, as she reached the last
line.
"Yes, exactly," Ranma nodded enthusiastically. "The problem
is that it ends up not really making anybody happy, or satisfying
the goals of--"
"Amazon no get fighter. Is very bad, yes?"
"--eh?"
"Way Shampoo see it," Shampoo said, pointing to the
offending page, "Girl who really deserve fighter is amazon.
Amazon stronger, love fighter more. Have legal right according
to jungle kingdom law! Therefore amazon marry fighter. Is only
way have happy ending. Way is, not only fighter no get married
to amazon, but it say that maybe amazon eventually like stupid
jungle boy with hidden weapon!"
"But it implies that she really--"
"She never marry stupid jungle boy. Shampoo get good feel
for character! Character no do that, not when amazon can marry
fighter. Yes, that best ending. Ranma like?"
Ranma's pigtail drooped.
*
"Hmm," Ryouga thought, reading the pages. "Okay, so... the
rouge barbarian who hates the fighter wants the princess. So why
doesn't he get the princess?"
"Because he has the farmer."
"Yeah, but this barbarian seems to have a good and noble
heart. He'd never want to hurt the princess, or the farmer, or
abandon either of them. Especially not to that disgusting
fighter. So he'd probably not know which way to go."
"Ryouga, he HAS to marry the farmer. It's just what's going
to happen, okay?" Ranma said. "That's not the part I wanted help
on, anyway!"
"Shut up! I'm trying to look at all the angles here!"
Ryouga barked. "Okay, okay. Let's accept that the barbarian
will go with the farmer. If this is right, which doesn't SEEM
right, the fighter and the princess belong together, anyway; the
barbarian would see that in the long run. Besides, he does love
the farmer. That's a happy ending. What's the problem?"
"Not the barbarian, you pig headed idiot, the FIGHTER.
What's the fighter going to do? That's the crux of what makes
the others happy or unhappy! What can he do to make sure
everything works?"
"Who cares what the fighter does? He always messes things
up anyway. It's a comedy gag, right? He can't win. That'll
never change. You're taking this too seriously."
Ranma dumped a bucket of water over Ryouga's head and moved
on.
*
"This ending is all WRONG! The ogre should get all the
girls and all their underwear, so he can look at his pretty
ladies all the time, and their--"
Ranma smashed Happousai over the head. "Why did I even
BOTHER asking you?!"
*
Ranma slumped into Ucchan's, limp papers in one hand, a loss
of hope in his eyes and a few cuts and bruises from when he
suggested to Kodachi that maybe the evil sorceress wasn't
supposed to win in the end and dominate the earth and crush all
her enemies.
He'd gone down the list of everybody who might possibly have
something sane to say about this. He wrote up the list last
night, then sorted it alphabetically to keep his mental reflexes
in shape. A-T had turned up nothing acceptable. His brilliant
strategy had resulted in half baked theories and selfish answers.
Now he was on the last person he could think of, in the Us.
Ucchan. She would know what to do. Ucchan was always a
good friend; in a lot of ways, she was the ONLY friend Ranma had.
There was Hiroshi and Daisuke, sure, but they weren't really
friends, just... people who... happened to be around him
sometimes. They didn't say much.
Good old Ucchan. Best buddy Ucchan. Always there to listen
to him, to give him a hearty, manly slap on the back and keep him
going. Ucchan would definitely see this clearly and know what to
do, in a calm, unbiased way. Like a best friend would.
"Ran-chan!" Ukyou cheered, leaping over the counter and
running up to give him a big, warm, happy hug. "I'm glad to see
you! Hey, do you want to have some dinner and go to the movies?
There's a new Jane Austin adaptation playing!"
Then again, she was also a fiancee. Funny how folks forgot
that every now and then.
"Umm... later, okay, Ucchan?" Ranma said, worming his way
away from her and onto a seat at the grill. "I've sort of got a
problem to work out first."
Ukyou assumed her position of authority behind the primary
cooking surface. "Go on."
"It's this story..." he said, handing her the now quite
wrinkled papers. "Akane wrote it, but she doesn't like the
ending. Nobody who's read it likes the ending, not even me. So,
I told her I'd help her think of one..."
"Hmmm," Ukyou nodded, flipping through the pages. "You want
my advice, right?"
"You got it, Ucchan."
Ukyou plopped a full tray of supreme okonomiyakis with
Ranma's favorite toppings in front of him. "Eat those, I'll be
back in a minute."
*
Sixteen minutes and enough okonomiyaki to feed Bangladesh
later, Ukyou returned, furrowing her brow.
"Sh, dff yhhahhneea?" Ranma asked.
"Swallow first, Ran-chan."
Ranma swallowed. "So, do you have any ideas?"
"For the story or for your life?" Ukyou asked, smirking.
Ranma choked violently.
Ukyou quickly delivered the heimlich, which she often had to
do when Ranma got a little too enthusiastic about her cooking,
and everything was back in rights after a moment.
"My life? Um... what makes you think I was actually asking
anything like that?" Ranma asked, a little sweatdrop forming on
the back of his head.
"Come on, Ran-chan. I'd have to be a total yogurt-head not
to see it," Ukyou laughed. "This story's obviously a parable
about your life and your problems, and trying to work a
conclusion to them."
"I keep forgetting you score high marks in literature..."
"Akane wrote this, huh?"
"Yeah. You're so smart, Ucchan," Ranma smiled, goofily.
"Not enough, I'm afraid," she sighed. "I've got no idea how
to end this either. Except maybe to have you and me get married
then run way the hell away from here to live alone and
untroubled..."
"Can't happen."
"Do you love Akane?"
Ranma swallowed again. "Eh?"
"Is that why you're concerned? Do you love Akane, Ran-
chan...?"
"I... I just want everybody to be happy, okay, Ucchan?"
Ranma said. "That's what I want. So everybody is happy, Akane,
you, everybody. If I marry Akane, Shampoo, you, Ko... you...
someone ends up unhappy. There's got to be a way around it,
right? I can't just run away from it, either."
"I didn't figure you would. Sorry... it was just a thought.
I had to check."
"Check."
"Hmm. So, the question is of the future," Ukyou said,
scratching her chin thoughtfully. "What to do for the happy
ending. You need professional help, Ran-chan."
"I don't need to see some head shrink, Ucchan."
"No, no, professional help about the FUTURE..."
*
Once upon a time, there was a new girl at Furinkan High.
Like any new student, she wanted to make a good impression, and
the best way to do that was to impress the students. So, she did
some tarot card readings to amaze the natives.
In fact, Miyo was involved in Ranma's life at one time.
Shortly after her arrival in school, she had predicted Akane and
Ranma's wedding. It turned out Happosai was dying (she predicted
that, too) and Soun and Genma agreed to marry the two before he
departed this world.
However, in the end, Happosai recovered, the two didn't
marry and everybody laughed except the people involved, and life
went back to its daily routine. This actually happened, and
those who know would verify it.
"I think maybe you should see Miyo again, Ranma," Ukyou had
suggested. "It's been awhile, so you might not remember her, but
I recall Akane telling a friend of hers who told me about Miyo's
powers. She's psychic. She's into all that new age stuff, and
predicting the future. What you need, Ran-chan, is a
professional expert about time and space."
"You really believe all that stuff? I mean, it's just a
bunch of 1-900 number fake--"
"Ran-chan. I'm engaged to a sex changing martial artist
with a magic chinese curse who's tangled with mystical creatures
of legend and been under a thousand and one enchantments,
potions, curses and pressure points whose results seem
miraculous. Somehow, I think I can swallow someone who can read
the future. Besides, it can't hurt, right?"
That led Ranma to the phone book, which lead him to the
phone, which resulted into a quick phone call confirming that she
wasn't busy today and would be happy to lend a hand, which
finally placed him at her doorstep.
"Hello," Miyo greeted, opening the door a full two seconds
before he had a chance to ring the bell. "I've been expecting
you."
*
Ranma peeked curiously at the piles of random mystic
doodads, lurking on dusty shelves around Miyo's room.
Her mother had greeted Ranma quite nicely, and gave Miyo
some words of encouragement about making new friends. The girl,
whose strange eyes turned with annoyance at her mother, quietly
hustled Ranma off to her workroom in the basement after that.
She only went back upstairs to fetch some lemonade.
"Is there something wrong?" Ranma asked.
"It's mom," Miyo sighed. "She's worried I don't have any
friends. The last time I really got to know anybody was back
when I was helping Akane with the old man..."
"Yah, I remember that," Ranma lied.
"Of course, you have lots of friends, right?"
"Actually... um."
"Yes?"
"I'm not sure I have any," Ranma said sheepishly. "No
really solid good friends, I mean. Ryouga's friendly, at least,
when he's not trying to kill me... Ucchan is friendly when she's
not trying to date me... Hiroshi and Daisuke are friendly when
they're not just hanging around in the background or asking me if
I can spare a girl or two..."
Miyo tapped her table. "Sounds complicated."
"Actually, I have the Reader's Digest version right here,"
Ranma said, passing the dogeared pages to the fortune teller.
Miyo accepted the papers curiously. "This is...?"
"It's a story," Ranma said. "A.. a person I know wrote it.
It's sort of a parabola."
"Parable."
"Yah, one of those. It's LIKE my life, only, it's not my
life. You know."
Miyo nodded, and began to read. Ranma sat down in a rickety
folding chair at the card table, which had been topped with a
nice blue silk cloth, with a large crystal ball in the center.
He squinted, trying to look inside it, but it wasn't a clear
crystal, it was one of those murky ones like you had accidentally
poured milk into rubber cement and frozen it, only without the
smell.
Time passed.
"So, you predict the future?" he asked, conversationally.
"Uh-huh. It's a hobby."
"Didn't you predict Akane and I would get married within the
week that time?" Ranma said, from Ukyou's memory.
"Uh-huh."
"But... we didn't."
"The future isn't set," Miyo explained, putting down the
story for a moment. "It's dynamic."
"It explodes?" Ranma gaped.
"No, no. Dynamic. That means it changes a lot, according
to whatever the conditions are... the future is just whatever the
present will be given the past in the future."
"Uhhh."
"In layman's terms, nobody knows for sure. You can just see
what MIGHT happen," Miyo said. "Things might have turned out
that you were married that week, and the old man might have
died."
"That would have been swell," Ranma nodded, not indicating
what part was the swell part.
"Anyway, what I can do for you is show you what could happen
in the future. There's a lot of possibilities. Maybe you'll see
one you like, and can work to get it."
"Great! When do we start?"
"Now would be fine," she smiled. "I read fast. I must say,
you live in interesting times."
"Huh?"
"If I didn't know any better, I'd say someone was
manipulating this," she said. "Normal people don't live like
this. They don't have these problems, at least, not in this
scale. Fate is dynamic but it can be shaped in ways... like if
some god was watching over you, and turning chance so all of this
developed."
"Umm... you mean someone's making my life miserable? On
PURPOSE?" Ranma gaped. "What kind of sadistic bastard..."
Miyo laughed. "Ranma, I'm kidding. Obviously that's not
the case! Nobody has that kind of power, not for real. And if
they did, they wouldn't use it so irresponsibly."
"...oh. Okay. So, um, the future?" Ranma smiled nervously.
Miyo nodded, and turned off the lights in the room.
*
Hands waved over the crystal ball, lit only by the candles
set up in ritual patterns. Miyo chanted in a low tone, eyes
closed in concentration.
Other than that, nothing was happening.
Ranma fidgeted nervously. "Umm..."
Miyo sagged, letting go of the ball. "It's not working. I
can't get a clear picture of your future. Maybe the ball isn't
in harmony with you, or the power is weak today, or maybe it's
the cold..."
"So it's on the fritz?"
"In a way."
Ranma smiled, then leaned across the table, and delivered a
sharp blow to the side of the crystal. It flared with light
briefly, then turned completely transparent.
Miyo blinked.
"It works on the TV," Ranma shrugged.
"Uh. Right. It seems to be in harmony now," she smiled.
"So, whatever works. Now, you have a question about the future.
Touch the ball. Concentrate, and ask."
Ranma reached forward, pressing his fingertips to the cold
surface of the crystal. He focused. This was important to him.
Akane was upset, she wrote this story as the only way she could
express her feelings, and gave it to him... to help find an
ending. He had to find the ending. He had to make Akane happy.
All his life led to this moment. The brink of truth, where
the ocean of reality lapped at the shores of time. This was the
moment. He would know now.
"What do I do to solve my problems and have everybody live
happily ever after?" he asked.
A little blue triangle bobbed to the crystal's surface.
'ANSWER UNCLEAR - ASK AGAIN LATER.'
After Miyo helped Ranma off the floor and batted his cheeks
until he returned to his senses, they resumed their places at the
table.
"It didn't work," Ranma said, stating the obvious with an
air of wisdom.
"You can't ask that specific of a question about the
future," Miyo said. "This isn't a cartoon. You need to... to
feel for the shape of the future. To sense all the shapes, and
try to guide them slowly, in little amounts. Start smaller.
I'll help."
"Okay. Okay, I think I understand," Ranma nodded. He
touched the ball again, and focused, perhaps a little less
enthusiastically. He concentrated. What if he found some way to
marry Akane without anybody knowing?
And everything became foggy and cool.
Soun wasn't pleased at the wedding arrangements. He
wanted his daughter married in a large family ceremony, for
all the world to see.
Nobody told him they'd have to hide in the basement of
the Saotome house, across town from the dojo, and post
guards at the door to make sure no uninvited guests showed
up.
Ranma looked around nervously. The day was no picnic
for him either. He had to rent a tux in another city, to
prevent any word from getting back to Nerima. He snuck into
this building, while female and in a heavy overcoat and
really big floppy hat, all to prevent anybody from looking.
But he was almost SURE Sasuke had spotted him. It wouldn't
be long before the invasion commenced.
"Marriage is a sacred institution," the priest said,
droning on continually. "It must be taken in all
seriousness, and engaged in non-lightly; for together, for
the rest of your lives, you will support each other and--"
"Can we get the lead out, father?" Ranma asked quietly.
"We need to hurry before they show up."
Akane nodded. Despite the stunningly beautiful wedding
gown, she had the nervous twitch of someone expecting
impending doom any minute now.
"Do you have the ring?" the man said, skipping forward
in his little book while a distant rumble could be heard.
Before Ranma could start to pat his pockets, the door
exploded inward, and every fiancee he'd acquired stormed in,
all shouting forms of 'I Object.'
Ranma blinked, waving the fog away from his eyes. "No, no...
that's not going to work. *COUGH* Stupid crystal..."
Miyo set up an electric fan, and cleared the table of any
remaining mystic smoke. "It's a possibility, however. You did
enquire..."
"I know, I know. Can I try again?"
"Of course."
"Good. Now, then... ball, show me... umm..."
"Try just thinking it. It works better that way,
sometimes."
Ranma grumpily thought that perhaps things would be better
if he just left town, and settled down to phrase the question to
the--
"The national manhunt continues," the TV reporter
announced, "For the lost Saotome boy. Feared kidnapped, or
at the very least not wearing proper outdoor clothing
according to his mother's worries, we--"
"Akane, he WILL come back," Kasumi smiled. "It's just
a matter of time. In the meantime, why don't you put away
the wedding dress?"
"No. No. No," Akane repeated, left eye twitching. "I'm
going to be ready when he gets back. RIGHT when he gets
back."
"She's right, Akane," Nabiki nodded. "If the cops
don't find him, Shampoo's cousins will. I've never seen so
many armed women in one place before. Of course, if THEY
find him, they might detour to China before coming here, if
at all..."
Akane twitched.
"I'm sure they'll bring him right back," Kasumi smiled
absently. "Say, where is Ukyou?"
"She's still holed up in Ucchan's," Nabiki shrugged,
disinterestedly. "Something about not wanting to see light
of day until Ranma's safe and sound. Although she DID walk
out onto the ledge on the second floor of her restaurant
yesterday. Good thing Dr. Tofu talked her out of jumping."
"Oh my."
"GAAAH!" Ranma yelped. "NO! That's bad. Very very bad.
Okay. Running's out. Umm..."
Miyo patted Ranma's shoulder. "Keep trying. It's unusual,
but sometimes it does take a few tries to get an acceptable
answer."
"Right. Hey, you think this would be easier if I could cure
my curse first?--"
"At last! The cure!" Ranma said, holding the bottle of
chinese magic over his head. "Now I can be a full man!" And
marry Akane as a full man, he thought to himself quietly.
Ranma uncorked the bottle, and poured it over his head.
At first it seemed nothing had happened. Then he noticed
the girl standing next to him.
"YAAA!" Ranma yelled, as did the redheaded, pigtailed
girl.
"You're me!" they shouted at each other.
"No, I'M me!"
"Am not!"
Then they got into a fight. Fortunately, the shock
didn't last long. Then the identity crisis set in as the
male Ranma was gleefully accepted to be Ranma, and the other
Ranma had to settle for being 'Ranko' and learning how to be
a woman while Ranma stole her life.
Miyo turned the fan on HIGH, to blow the extra smog effects
out of the way.
"That was... odd," Ranma said. "Very odd."
"Is being a girl that bad?" Miyo asked. "Looks like the
cure could be worse."
"Given the choice? The curse would be better. I mean, what
if I got turned into a girl full time? It'd be awful. I'd have
to worry about all sorts of girl stuff, and I couldn't mar..
um.."
Miyo laughed. "You could get pregnant like a girl."
Ranma's eyes widened in horror--
"My own son, a freak of nature! Why did this have to
BE?!" Genma bawled, tears soaring like Niagra Falls.
"Dad! I was hoping you'd be supportive..." Ranma said,
rubbing her belly. "I mean... I want to have this baby.
I'm going to."
Nodoka loomed behind them, katana raised. "If my son
doesn't want to be a man..."
"I don't think I want to use this ball anymore thank you,"
Ranma babbled, gripping the table.
"I understand," Miyo nodded, knowingly. "I'll turn it off."
She waved her hands in a complex pass over the ball, and
chanted.
Nothing was happening.
"Nothing's happening," Ranma commented.
"Something's wrong," Miyo said. "It's still making smoke.
It won't turn off. How many possible futures COULD you have?"
"Maybe we should get out of here before--"
Ranma yawned, and got out of bed. He was spent, from
the night's activities, and more than a little sore. But it
kept them happy, so he persevered.
Careful not to wake Akane, Shampoo or Ukyou, he got up
and went to brush his teeth--
"Run! It's overloadi--"
Ranma's head hung low, as he sat in front of the bar,
untouched whisky glaring at him. Too long, he had waited
too long. He made them wait too long for him to make up his
mind, to take action. Shampoo found a legal loophole that
let her go home and sadly took that course. Ukyou tried to
hang on as his friend, but who was she kidding? She wanted
to be more than friends. Now she drank as much as him, to
keep from thinking about it.
And Akane... she always was the one to act before
thinking. Even with decisions that she'd pay for with the
rest of her lif--
Ranma screamed. For obvious reasons.
Now that Shampoo had died in that boating accident,
life was simpler. Akane relaxed more, since she saw Shampoo
as far less fair in her crusade to win Ranma, and formed a
truce with Ukyou; no fighting until he makes up his mind.
Which he had to do. But he loved Akane dearly, and even
loved Ukyou... both now were treating him well and trying to
be there for him. But how could they understand? He
couldn't make this decision alone. He'd have to--
Ranma sat in meditation with the ancient, venerable
Chinese monk he had spent six months tracking down.
Reportedly the wisest man alive, he would surely know what
to do. He'd better, after making Ranma sit in one place for
a week while the monk pondered the problem.
Finally, he spoke.
"Once there was a group of people with your problem,"
he said. "The oni, the letch and the girl. They went to
the land of possible futures, the void of doors, and were
each given an opportunity to create an ideal future in the
form of a doorknob. Several of them discovered that they
could not create their ideal futures without dire
consequences. One which worked, however, was the one where
nothing had changed, and when the group had grown up, they
were still locked in the similar situations they were in
today. This was the girl's ideal outcome. And the creator
smiled, as this is what was intended."
Ranma gaped. "How is THAT a solution??"
The monk shrugged. "You tell me. I only work here."
Ranma hit the monk with a mallet and left. Now what?
He'd have to--
Fortunately Ranma had a long lost brother who had a
fetish for flatware as well, and got along good with Ukyou.
Ryouga and Kodachi showed up to beat him up after that old
fiasco, but they got along well, and things were okay.
Except that somehow something wasn't quite--
After the tuna fish mishap--
Ranma paced in a little circle before the three girls,
nervous and jittery.
"Ukyou... Shampoo... Kodachi. I have a confession to
make, and you're not going to like it," Ranma said, saying
his last prayers. "I... I love Akane. And we want to get
married. And I decided I'm going to be honest with you
about it, and ask, please... don't interfere. I care
about.. most of you but I have to marry Akane. I love her.
Oh, and please don't kill me."
"Okay! Shampoo go back to China now," Shampoo smiled.
"Ranma lucky that if proclaim love for another on day of
solar eclipse, it sign from god saying it not meant to be!
Shampoo know good sign when see. Shampoo miss Ranma, but
maybe find good man back home as good as Ranma, yes?"
"Hey, Ran-chan, it's okay!" Ukyou smiled. "It's not
like I'm gonna go kill myself or something. I'm a modern
girl, I can handle this. I mean, it's disappointing, but
I'm still your friend, right?"
"Hai... we're friends," Ranma beamed. "I'd love to
have you as a friend, Ucchan."
"Then we'll be best friends. So don't worry!"
"My, am I glad I'm on that new prescription of
thorazine!" Kodachi laughed, a sane, simple laugh. "I'd
probably have wanted to kill you if not. I wish you and
your dear wife well, Ranma. If you'll excuse me, I have
more charity work to go do in the community."
"Wow, this is GREAT!" Ranma cheered.
"Well... there's one problem," Ukyou said, faltering.
Ranma paused.
"They won't let you have this future," Ukyou sighed.
"Nobody will."
"Wh..what?!"
"I'm sorry, Ran-chan, but we're... what we are. You
can't win. That'll never change. It's not allowed that--"
"STOP IT! STOP IT!"
"I don't know how to stop the ball!"
"Not the ball, it! Everything! Who--"
Ranma died, and the other fiancees mourned.
Akane and Ranma got married, then passed all their
problems onto the next generation, their children; who had
the same problem to face without change.
Ryouga and Akari got married but Akane decided she
loved Ryouga, and pined after him forever.
Shampoo and Ukyou got married and Akane married
Gosunkugi, and Ranma was left alone and very confused about
what the hell had happened.
Everybody died when the giant flying saucer that parked
over Tokyo on July 3rd blew up Tokyo Tower with the green
death ray.
Ranma married Ryouga after being locked into girl form,
and Akane went off with Kunou. Akari was left to tend to
her pigs alone.
Shampoo managed to enchant Ranma to only love her, and
they married. The other girls spent the rest of their lives
trying to rescue him from the magic.
Nodoka killed Ranma for not being a man, and a fiancee
or two while she was at it.
Ranma was beaten severely by Akane, day in and day out,
until he and his only friend were killed at her hands.
A stranger showed up in town who won Nabiki's heart and
got Ranma and Akane married and everybody was happy except
that it wasn't possible.
Ranma and Ukyou evolved beyond friendship but Akane
never really found peace.
Every end, every way around, every way out left more
problems to worry about and more people whose lives got turned
upside down. An infinite realm of possibility that limited
itself to the finite realm of things that weren't acceptable, not
to Ranma, as wave after wave hit him of--
Ranma faced his captor, after a long, gruelling search.
But things weren't going as planned.
"You can't be serious. You want WHAT?"
"You heard me!"
"No way. What were you expecting? Honestly, Ranma,
get real. There's a reputation to maintain. It'll keep
going this way because I want it to, and it'll end how it'll
end."
"Don't I get a say in this?? What makes you get to
decide? What makes ANY of you get to decide?"
"Oh, please. You're not real. So who cares what you
have to say?"
And it ended.
Miyo looked up, panting from the effort of swinging the
mallet. Crushed glass sprayed out from where the crystal ball
was.
Ranma sat on the floor, mind blurred, but slowly recovering.
He felt to make sure he still had his hands, and yes, they were
there. He looked at Miyo to make sure he still had his eyes.
"I think," she said, "You should go home now."
*
Ranma slumped his way back to the dojo, well into the
evening. His eyes puffed from exhaustion, muscles weak from the
brush with probably the most unusual paranormal experience he'd
had since the last paranormal experience he'd had.
Locked into the visions inside Miyo's ball, he had seen the
twisted maze of problems and pitfalls, with the little red dot
reading YOU ARE HERE, the night before. And now he had seen
every way out but the way to the exit that he was hoping for.
It was mind blowing. He couldn't hold onto all of it,
because it gnawed at him, drove him to realize that... that this
position, this situation, might actually be unsolvable. That
however he had gotten here, whoever had put him here, never
really bothered to think of a way out; at least, not a way out
that would realistically work for everybody concerned. A million
answers, all false. Hours spent locked in sync with the
crystal's vision, without a single tolerable, workable outcome.
He probably wouldn't be here if Miyo hadn't managed to smash the
bloody thing.
Overall, Ranma thought, this had been a really lousy day.
He reached the doorstep of the Tendo residence, and
mechanically kicked off his shoes. He walked inside.
Akane was waiting for him.
"Ranma?" she asked. "You look... you look like hell."
"I'm aware," Ranma said, tired. "Akane?"
"Yes, Ranma?"
"About your story..."
"Did you--"
"I know the ending," Ranma said. "It's not much of one, and
I wish I could make it longer, but it's the only thing I could
really be sure of. At least, it's what I'm hoping for..."
With that, he whispered it in her ear.
Akane stepped back... then nodded. And stepped forward to
give Ranma a big hug. She knew this would be the way, really.
Somehow, they'd just have to tough it through... together.
And they lived happily ever after.
The end.
*
AUTHOR'S CLOSING.
Five months and no writing. Not one word. I was beginning
to think the well was dry for good this time, which would suck
since I'm supposed to be doing an HTML-based novel for three
credits next semester.
Inspiration comes in funny places. In this case, it was
talking with Sean Gaffney and Zen. I expressed to them concern
that I had fallen out of the fanfic scene, so they pointed me to
their most notorious works. After I had a nice lie down to
recover from Zen's (brilliant, brilliant, but painfully
depressing work) I got the inspiration to write this story.
Now, couple points I think I'll make while I'm back in the
fold for the time being :
1. You know? I really don't care if it's pretentious or corny,
or surreal beyond normality. I like this one. I'm not
going to put a 'Disclaimer' in front of any more stories
warning people that they might be upsetting, or strange, or
otherwise naughty; these are my words and I'll stand by them
rather than playfully decry them to cover my ass. A trend
I'd love to see in other authors, including Lemon authors.
Be proud of your work.
2. The literary minded might want to scour this sucker for
layers of stuff going on. Despite years of English classes
begging me to find symbolism and meaning in the great novels
of man, I had been basically oblivious to the idea of wheels
within wheels and something working on multiple levels...
until I took a Film Analysis course at UMD. Wow. The
amount of stuff going on even in seemingly simple movies is
staggering. (I figured Aliens was just an action movie; ho
ho, was I wrong.) I've tried to adopt this theory of
telling a basic fictional story and entertaining WHILE
putting in subtext that hints at greater, more philosophical
things -- sometimes subtle, sometimes painfully blatant.
But it beats a flat comedy peice.
3. Thanks go out to my noble proofers George "Hollister" Holt,
David Tai, Jeff Hosmer (who showed me the Miyo episode...
it's real! Episode 39, recently Vizzed), Lee Thompson, Sean
Gaffney, and others. It's good to be back.
Anyway, thanks for reading. It's been a trip for me and
hopefully you. It might be another five months before the next
fanfic, but since I got THIS one done against all odds and common
sense -- I didn't even figure on writing a fanfic from 7pm to 2am
when I woke up today, I figured I'd just go play skeeball and
call it a day -- maybe we'll see some more fics / thinly
disguised metaphorical commentary from me. I don't wanna jinx
it, so I won't say WHAT, but I'll give it a go.
To other aspiring writers out there, I say one thing; strive
to be fresh and original. Even if you get weird doing it, push
outside the standard fare and achieve originality. It's a rush
beyond comprehension, understanding or Mountain Dew.
-Stefan "Twoflower" Gagne
-August 4th, 1997
-2719 Skeeball Tickets and Counting.
PS - I'll be at Otakon '97 in a few days (or less or negative
numbered days, if the moderators are slow :) so if you'd like to
talk to me about this fanfic or fanfic in general, I'll be in
either the Skeeball Wizard t-shirt or the Caffeine Nicotine
costume. I'll be at the fanfic panel, too.