WOT TRL- Episode 1-The Phantom Menace
[A blue screen with the red letters "WOT TRL" appears on the screen. Fades to millions
of screaming people in the street…who are running from a thousand Aiel…Fades to a
wizened old man with white hair and funny looking mustaches in a faded cloak with
many patches. He is looking nervously at the some hundred or so screaming people
behind him in the stands of the studio.]
Man: (clears his throat) Ummm…hello there. I'm Thom Merrilin and this is WOT TRL.
This point-less writing is a total rip-off of MTV's TRL, except for Carson Daly. We tried
to get Lan to do this show, but he refused, claiming his first duty was to death. (mutters,
"Crazy man…"). But, anyway, these are the top 10 ten videos in all of Randland. I got
suckered into this because I have considerable knowledge about music, being a gleeman
and all, but I'm not exactly sure I know this type of music, however, I will do my best
conducting this little extravaganza. To start off, let's have our imposing impressive
beginning.
Impressive Imposing Beginning: The Wheel of Time creaks, and Ages come and go, like
music artists, leaving hideous memories that become not-so legends. The not-so legends
fade to myths, and even these myths are fortunately long forgotten when the Age that
gave it birth comes again. (Some call this the 60's.) In one lonely computer room, a
bored writer writes a parody of this increasing-annoying Age in music. A wind rises
from the not-really open window. The wind was definitely not a beginning. How could a
wind be the beginning? There are neither beginnings nor endings to the Wheel of Time,
though one could argue that since time had to have started at some point, there had to
have been a beginning, but nonetheless, it was a beginning of some sorts.
[Impressive Imposing Beginning fades from screen.]
Thom: Great, now we can get started! You didn't think we'd start a show of this
magnitude with some sort of mystical monologue that makes no sense, did you? I love
rhetorical questions. Let's get into our first video. At number 10, this is Loial with
"Loial Rhapsody".
~~~
Artist: Loial
Album: The Stedding Ghetto
Song: Loial Rhapsody
Is this the real world?
Is this just fantasy?
Caught in ta'veren
No escape from my book
Open my eyes
Look up to the skies and see
I'm just a poor Ogier, I need no sympathy
Because I've lived a long time and I'm come, easy go
A little high, little low
Anyway the tree grows, doesn't really matter to me, to me
Mama, just left the stedding
Put an idea inside my head
Carried it out, when I get home, I'll be dead
Mama, life had just begun
But now I've gone and thrown it all away
Mama, ooo
Didn't mean to make you cry
If I'm not back again in a hundred years
Carry on, carry on, as if nothing really matters
Too late, my time has come
Rand sends shivers down my spine
My ears are drooping all the time
Goodbye everybody - I've got to go
Gotta leave you all behind and face the world
Mama, ooo - (anyway the tree grows)
I wanna write a book
I sometimes wish I'd never left the stedding at all
I see a little silhouetto of Forsaken
Holy pecans, holy pecans, will I write the Bible?
Thunderbolt and lightning - very very frightening me
Rand, Perrin,
Mat, Rand,
Perrin Goldeneyes - magnifico
But I'm just a poor Ogier and my momma's gonna marry me
He's just a poor Ogier from Stedding Shangtai
Spare him his life from this monstrosity
Easy come easy go - will you let me go
Ta'veren! No - we will not let you go - let him go
Ta'veren! We will not let you go - let him go
Ta'veren! We will not let you go - let me go
Will not let you go - let me go (never)
Never let you go - let me go
Never let me go - ooo
No, no, no, no, no, no, no -
Oh Ogier Elders, Ogier Elders, Ogier Elders let me go
The Dark One has a devil put aside for me
for me
for me
So you think you can stone me and spit in my eye
So you think you can take me for Trolloc and leave me to die
Oh baby - can't do this to me baby
Just gotta get out - just gotta get right outta here
Ooh yeah, ooh yeah
Ta'veren are all that really matter
Anyone can see
My Bible is what matters - nothing really matters except the Dark One
Anyway the tree grows...
~~~
Thom: Well, that was great. By the way, did a plucked turkey in a wig just talk to me?
While we're at it, let's go right on to number 9. This is Perrin Goldeneyes with "I'm A
Believer".
~~~
Artist: Perrin Goldeneyes
Album: Tel'aran'rhiod Lounge
Song: I'm A Believer
[Verse 1 - Perrin]
I thought Trollocs were only true in fairy tales
Meant for gleemen's stories and not for me...
Shai'tan was out to get me
That's the way it seemed
Wolves hunted all my dreams
[Chorus]
And then I saw their ram face
Now I'm a believer
Not a trace, of doubt in my mind
Ohhh, I'm scared, Ohhh
Ahhh, I'm a believer
I couldn't run now if I tried
I thought Darkfriends were more or less a harmless thing
The more I thought the less that I doubted that
[Verse 2]
What's the use of running?
All I'll get is eternal death
When I wanted Mommy, I got pain!
[Chorus]
And then I saw their ram face
Not I'm a believer
Not a trace, of sanity in my mind
Ohhh, I'm scared, Ohhh
Ahhh, I'm a believer
I couldn't run now if I tried
[Verse 2]
What's the use of running?
All I'll get is eternal death
When I wanted Mommy, I got pain!
[Chorus 2x]
And then I saw their ram face
Not I'm a believer
Not a trace, of coherent thought in my mind
Ohhh, I'm scared, Ohhh
Ahhh, I'm a believer
I couldn't run now if I tried
Now I'm a believer, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeaaaaah!
Now I'm a believer
Then I saw their ram face
Now I'm a believer
Not a trace...
Of sanity in my mind
I'm a believer...
~~~
Thom: Okay, so that was Perrin with "I'm a Believer". We'll be right back after this
little break.
[A young man dressed as a farmer is standing in a field. The glow of saidin appears
above him and sets his plow to work for him. As he turns to go, he collapses on his knees
and throws back his head as he screams wildly. His eyes pop out and he throws out his
hands. Eventually he crumples on the ground with a thud. A woman appears on the
screen sitting behind a desk with a red shawl on. She is very prim and proper.]
Woman: Does this paint the picture of you or a friend? Don't worry. There is hope yet
before he goes mad. We at the White Tower can help. By taking him into our arms and
giving him love and comfort, we CAN eventually stop this harmful process. If you or
anyone else you know is addicted to saidin, we CAN help. Please contact us at 1-800-
REDSISTA. Our phone lines are open 24 hours. Don't hesitate to make this vital and
important call…
[At the bottom of the screen in tiny writing says the lettering, "Paid for by the Red Sisters
Ajah. We despise men." The screen cuts back to Thom on the set with the screaming
people behind him.]
Thom: Welcome back to WOT TRL. We're having a great time here in Caemlyn.
Actually, I'm having a miserable time hosting this stupid show while I could be out
earning money and fame. But anyway, let's get on with the show. At number 8 are the
Wheels, including Elayne, Min, and Aviendha with "Independent Women Part 1".
~~~
Artist: The Wheels
Album: The Pattern
Song: Independent Women Part 1
[Spoken]
Elayne
with my girl Min
Aviendha and the Wheel
Rand's Angels come on
[Sung, Verse 1-Avidenda]
Question: Tell me what you think about me.
I buy own jewelry and I earn my own honor.
Only seek your tent when I'm feelin' angry.
When it's all over please get up and leave.
Question: Tell me how you feel about this.
Try to control me, boy, and you get sniffed.
Take care of myself and channel without you.
Always fifty fifty in relationships
[Chorus-All]
The ter'angreal in my hand, I made it.
The spears that I'm throwin', I bought 'em.
The visions that I predict, I saw 'em.
'Cause I depend on me if I want it.
The money in my purse, I earned it.
The ji'e'toh that I got, I earned it.
The necklace I'm wearin', I bought it.
I depend on me.
I depend on me.
[Verse 2-All]
All the women who independent Aes Sedai
Channel your sign up at me.
All the honeys who ruling the countries
Bow you house banner to me.
All the peasants who profit dollars
Throw your hands up at me.
All the ladies who truly feel me
Throw your hands up at me.
Girl, I didn't you could down get down like that.
Aviendha how your booty get down like that.
Girl, I didn't you could down get down like that.
Min how your booty get down like that.
[Verse 3-Elanye]
Tell me how you feel about this:
Who would I want if I would wanna live?
I worked hard and sacrificed to get what I want in the Tower.
Aes Sedai it ain't easy bein' independent.
Question: How's you like this knowledge that I brought?
Sniffin' on the gold that he gave you is the front.
If you're gonna brag make sure it's your money that you flaunt.
Depend on no leaders to give you what you want.
[Chorus]
[Verse 2]
Girl, I didn't you could down get down like that.
Elayne how your booty get down like that.
[Spoken-Aviendha (Min)]
The Wheels (Wass up!)
You'in the tent? (Sure-nuff)
We'll break these people off Aiel style.
Child of Aviendha, independent beauty.
No one else can scare me.
Rand's Angels
[Verse 2]
[Repeat 3x-Min]
~~~
Thom: Wow, those women sure are independent! These are some lame comments I'm
forced to say!
[Suddenly, a scream from the background penetrates the set. Egwene runs onto the stage
clutching a cereal box. "They're after me Lucky Charms!" she screams. She looks
around furtively and runs off the stage again. Thom acts as though nothing has
happened.]
Thom: But, on to a happier note, our number 7 video is Moraine Sedai with "Higher
Power".
[A/N: A song by a band called Boston who those who didn't know.]
~~~
Artist: Moraine
Album: Moraine
Song: Higher Power
Ohhhh, Ohhhhh
Hey, my higher power
Yeah, give me saidar
Let me control you
Take me into Tel'aran'rhiod for the night
Let me attach strings to you
Teach you how to see a vision through my eyes
Turn the pages
Tell the Karaethon Cycle, let me face another day
Saidar embraces, I feel it comin' now
The Dark One's on his way.
Hey, my higher power
The world is changin', but I'm not afraid
Yeah, give me saidar. It's the beginnin', the beginnin' of another day.
Yeah
Let me hold you
Take me back into the secrets of the Age of Legends
Let me know you
Come and save me Light
Don't let me cross the line
Hey, my higher power
The world is changin', but I'm not afraid
Yeah, give me saidar. It's the beginnin', the beginnin' of another day.
[Spoken]
Light, grant me the serenity to change wool-headed Rand Al'Thor
To have the patience of attaching strings to him (Ohhhh)
And the wisdom to know the difference between control and free-reign
Or else Tarmon Gai'don shall come
Amen
[Sung]
Ooh, let me use you
Ooh, let me use you
Hey, my Higher Power
The world is changin', but I'm not afraid
Yeah, my Higher Power
It's the beginning of another day.
Hey, my Higher Power
The world is changin', but I'm not afraid
Yeah, my Higher Power
It's the beginnin' of another day.
Hey, my Higher Power [3x]
~~~
Thom: Okay, that was great. As you can see, I don't really care about what happens to
these videos. But anyway, we must get on with the show. Over at the news desk, we
have our very own Master Al'Vere all the way from the Two Rivers. Bran, what's up in
the news of music?
Bran: (He shuffles his papers uneasily and looks around nervously. He clears his throat.)
Well, Thom, it's like this…
As I'm sure most of you know, Rand, the Dragon Reborn has some chicken with
the rapper Sisqo. Rand is pressing charges against Sisqo because Sisqo's new album is
titled "Unleash the Dragon". Rand says that Sisqo is posing as a false dragon trying to
bring Rand down from his lofty seat as Savoir of the world. As Rand quotes, "That guy
has no bloody business posing as a false dragon! When he shows me his bloody dragon
tattoos from Ruihean, I'll let him rule the world!" Both Dragons are getting, as we say in
the Two Rivers, "hot under the collar". We'll have to wait and see what becomes of this
intense battle. Stay tuned to WOT TRL for more information.
And that's all for now. Have a great day!
Thom: Thank you Bran. That was wonderful. And now we'll take another commercial
break. That's right kids, just like TRL we love to put in ten thousand commercials that
are really long without showing any of the video! We'll be right back in about 10
minutes!
[A stupid looking man runs onto the screen.]
Stupid Looking Man: Hi! I'm here to shamelessly advertise for the MTV VMAs!! You
have to watch it because it's going to really really cool! And…um…yeah…we'll have
the Dragon Reborn there performing and everything. It's gonna be tight! Yeah yeah!
I'm cool…
Thom: So everybody make sure to watch the MTV VMAs! (Thom rolls his eyes) Now
that that's taken care of, let's get back to WOT TRL. Now on number 6, we have Rand,
Mat, and Perrin as Ta'veren 182 with "All the Small Things". They've jumped up 3 on
the countdown today, though how that's possible since this is our first show, I don't
know. But anyway, let's hear it for Ta'veren 182!
~~~
Artist: Ta'veren 182
Album: The Car'a'cran of the State
Song: All the Small Things
[Verse 1-Perrin]
All the, small things
True care, truth brings
I'll take, one night
Your ride, best ever
Always, I know
You'll be, by my side
Watching, fighting, commiserating
[Chorus-All]
Say it ain't so, I will not go,
Throw away the sword, carry me home
[Suddenly while singing, Mat tears off his clothes and earns himself stares from Rand
and Perrin]
Rand: But Mat, we're not supposed to take off our clothes yet. That comes later in the
video.
Mat: So, I wanna do it now!
[They shrug and look at each other, then resume singing.]
Na Na...
[Verse 2-Rand]
Late night, come home
Ruling nations sucks, BELIEVE ME, I know!
All of my three women left me roses by the tent,
Surprises let me know they care
[Chorus-All]
[Verse 3-Mat]
Keep your head still, I'll be your thrill,
The night will go on, my little Maiden
[Chorus-All]
[Verse 3-Mat]
~~~
Thom: Wow, that was great. I really love those guys. This just in! There's been a
walnut uprising! And guess what people…we have one of the members of Ta'veren 182
with us today! People, let's raise the falsely painted roof for Rand Al'Thor, the REAL
Dragon Reborn!
[Rand enters to the theme music of "In The End" by Linkin Park. Half of the people in
the studio go running towards him and the other half cower in fear from him. He
willingly accepts all those who wish to scream in his ear and tear at his shirt. After some
time, he makes it to Thom.]
Rand: Hey, how ya' doing Thom?
Thom: Hey, that's my line.
Rand: Sorry.
Thom: Hey, how ya' doing Thom? I mean, Rand?
Rand: Well, I'm doing great. Aside from the fact that I'm trying to unite the world
before Tarmon Gaidon comes and the Dark One breaks free when I have to fight him.
But, you know, same ol', same ol'.
Thom: Of course. So, that video we just saw there was some piece of work. Really
great, if I say so myself.
Rand: Thanks. I mean, why wouldn't it be great? I am the Dragon Reborn, the Savoir of
men, the Blessed One, He Who Comes With The Dawn, the Car'a'carn, The Promised
One, the Lord of the Dawn, the-
Thom: We get the point Rand.
Rand: Just making sure. I don't want any traitors trying to resist me here. Like Couladin,
now he was-
Thom: Rand, you're on a TV show!
Rand: TV? What's TV?
Thom: Never mind. So, I heard Ta'veren 182's new album's coming out soon. Tell us
about it.
Rand: Why, of course. It's called "Take Off Your Pants and Jacket". Mat made up the
name for it. I rather like it.
Thom: How could I have guessed that?
Rand: I don't know, Thom. Maybe you're psychic. Maybe you should open your own
psychic hotline on the tel'phone. That would be cool. I mean you could call it, "Thom's
Tipsy Tellings" and then-
Thom: Thank you, Rand! Just shut-up for the moment.
Rand: Whatever you say.
Thom: Now, I understand that you're branching out onto a solo project. Please tell us
more.
Rand: Well, I'm producing a solo album and I can tell you the album is being tentatively
called "Rand Al'Thor, DR" with the first track called "The Real Dragon Reborn".
Thom: I've been told it's going to be different than what we're used to hearing from you.
Rand: Oh, yes. It's more of a rap style. I mean, the first track goes, "Yes, I'm the real
Dragon, all you other false dragons are impersonating. Will the real Dragon Reborn
please stand up, please stand up…" You know, sort of like that.
Thom: Very interesting.
Rand: I rather think so.
Thom: What can you tell us about this upcoming movie of yours?
Rand: Well, it's kind of top secret right now, but I'm set to co-star with Sauron from
Lord of the Rings as my menacing antagonist.
Thom: What about the plot?
Rand: It's basically about the fight between good and evil with Sauron being
the…killdestroymustkill…
Thom: What was that?
Rand: I'm sorry, did I say something?
Thom: (looking around uneasily) No, Rand, it's okay. Well, it was certainly nice having
you with us today. Come back again sometime.
Rand: Thanks. I will. Maybe sometime in a parallel universe none of this would have
happened.
Thom: And now let's take a short break.
[A bearded man in a white robe with a sunburst on it sits at a desk looking very serious.
He has a tub of clothes with white cloaks in them.]
Man: Do you have trouble getting grass stains out of your white robes? Well, do you?
Why won't you answer me? Are you a Darkfriend? ARE YOU!? Well, anyway, if you
do have trouble washing your laundry, we have a Light saving device for you. That is, if
you walk in the Light. (He holds up a bottle.) This! Oxy-Clean. Sort of an Oxy-moron,
yes? I am an Tarboner, yes? It will take out your worst stains that you get while fighting
evil Trollocs and Darkfriends. Call 1-800-WITLESS for your free bottle, provided you
join our army. Thank you, and walk in the Light.
[Thom appears back on the screen.]
Thom: Well, we're tearing up the set here on WOT TRL. (He looks behind him where
Trollocs are demolishing the stands and ravaging the streets below.) Literally. Our next
video is Rhuarc with the very popular hit, "Aiel Roll Out".
~~~
Artist: Rhuarc
Album: Word Of The Ca'car'an
Song: Aiel Roll Out
[Chorus - 2x]
{Repeats 'Roll Out' in background}
I've got my sheep locked up - COP THAT!
Me and my spear-sisters so - DROP THAT!
We rolling on wagons with the - TOP BACK!
So much ji'e'toh you cant - STOP THAT!
[Verse 1 - Rhuarc]
Now where'd you get that ruby sword, with them diamonds in it
Where'd you get that matchin scabbard, from the Treekillers?
Who them Tinkers you be with, when you be riding through
Man, I ain't got nothin to prove, I paid my fifth
Breaking the Way of the Leaf while I'm taking a (Whoo!)
Tell me who's your pipe man, How do you smoke tabac so good?
Yous a clan chief boy, Why you still up in Rhuidean?
What in the world is in that bag, What you got in that bag?
A couple of cans of whop the wetlanders
You did a good job of just eyeing me, spying me
[Chorus]
[Verse 2]
Man that ter'angreal don't come out of Rhuidean, Where in the Light did you get it?
That's a dragon tattoo on your arm, Where in the Light did you spend it?
You must have eyes on your back, Cause you got gai'shain to the celing
And the bigger the fight the bigger the toh the better I'm feelin
The more that I'm chillin willing and drilling to killin em
Now who's that naked Maiden of the Spear, fixing three course meals?
Gettin goosebumps when the hand taps them six inch spears.
What in the world is in that room, What you got in that room?
A couple of bats, a couple of knives, a couple of rats, a couple of wives
Now its time to chose
[Chorus]
[Verse 3]
Are you Stone Dog, Red Shield, or you just Water Seeker?
Water fountain up in the hold, and is that the Ca'car'an?
Is that your wife, your girlfriend, or just your first-sister?
You take a pick, while I'm singing the song getting ready to dance the spears.
Tell me who's your roof keeper, What you keep in your roof?
What about diamonds and gold, Is that what you keep in your hold?
What in the world is that in that case? What you got in that case?
Get up out my Waste, you couldn't relate,
Waiting to take the spears, at a similar pace, so dance - dance it
[Outro]
Get out my Waste, my Waste
Stay bloody up out my Waste
Cause the wetlanders all up in my Three-Fold Land,
And its my Waste, my Waste
Stay bloody up out my Waste
Cause its mine, O mine, O mine
My Waste, my Waste
Stay bloody up out my Waste
~~~
Thom: Gee, I really love that song. Let's take a look at what's up and coming on WOT
MTV this week. We'll go over to Faile for that drivel of uninteresting news. Don't
worry people, you don't have to pay attention, 'cuz we'll just tell you a hundred more
times until the actual shows are on, like we always do.
Faile: (stiffly) Thank you, Master Merrilin. Well, this week on WOT MTV, we'll be re-
visiting our Bel Tine festival special for the hundredth time this month! Won't that be
exciting! And then, we'll take a look at the chicken between The Dragon Reborn and the
Sisqo. Should be a useless piece of nonsense that will only put foolish ideas in men's
heads as if they didn't need it already, but nonetheless, tune in! And lastly, I believe we
will be having special hour-long episode of "Rauol's Wild Kingdom". I don't know who
Rauol is, but he'll be showing us to teach poodles to fly. And following that will be
"Conan the Librarian". The little known very unsuccessful other series written by Robert
Jordon. And that's all from me Master Merrilin. (She tugs her non-existent braid.)
Thom: Thank you, Faile that was wonderful
Faile: (sniff)
Thom: I sure won't be tuning into those shows! And now, let's see our number 4 video.
It's Mat "Luv Machine" Cauthon with "Ride Wit' Me".
~~~
Artist: Mat "Luv Machine" Cauthon
Album: Bloody Ashes
Song: Ride Wit' Me
Where they at (8X)
[Chorus]
If you wanna go and take a ride wit me
wit six women in the wagon with the short skirts
Oh why do I live this way? (Hey, must be the money!)
If you wanna go and get it on wit me
Smoke some tabac in the back of the tent
Oh why must I feel this way? (Hey, must be the money!)
[Verse 1]
In a tavern on a late night, feelin lucky
Lookin tryin to spot somethin real nice
Lookin for a little girly I noticed so that I can take home
(I can take home)
She can be 18 (18) wit an attitude
or 19 kinda snotty actin real rude
But as long as you a thicky thicky thick girl you know that it's on
(Know that it's on)
I peep something comin towards me on the serving floor
Sexy and real slow (hey)
Sayin she was peepin and I dig you last night
So when Mat, can we go; how could I tell her no?
Her measurements were 36-25-34
I like the way you dance the floor
And I like that pretty skirt you wear
I like the way the light hit your ankles
And I can see you sniff from way over there
[Chorus]
[Verse 2]
Face and body front and on top, don't know how to act
Without no vouchers on her paycheck she's bringin nuttin back
You should feel the impact, sharp on the enemy
When the sky's the limit and them haters can't get past that
Watch me as I run away, 'cuz I ain't brave
Watchin' Rand go crazy, Perrin changing up
It feel strange now
Makin a livin off other people's memories, stead of my own
I got the title from my momma put the whippin on end now
Everything's bloody done changed now
Running a whole bloody army now with no shame now
I feel the fame now (come on), I can't complain now (no more)
Blood and bloody ashes I'm the man now, in and out my own town
I'm getting girls out of Tarien taverns from top to bottom.
Tellin me about a party up in the Stone
And can I make it? Flamin' yeah, I be on the next wagon
Payin gold; first class - sittin next to King of Cairhein
[Chorus 2X]
[Verse 3]
Check, check -- yo, I know somethin you don't know
And I got somethin to tell ya
You won't believe how many people, straight doubted my sanity
Folks said that I was a failure
But now the same flamin' people askin me fo' gold
And I'm yellin, "I can't help ya"
"But Mat can we get into to see the Dragon?"
Heck no (what's witchu?!) you for real?!
Hey yo, now that I'm a ta'veren, and I run high
Women wanna know why, why I run by
But yo it's all good, gotta keep my butt safe
Do me like you should - give me good, pay me good
We be them Band of the Red Hand, wishing you was us
Win or lose we still kicked you where it hurts
Honey in the village, me on the horse
Icy grip, telling me to leave wit you and your friends
So if shorty wanna... knock, we knockin to this
And if shorty wanna... rock, we rockin to this
And if shorty wanna... pop, we poppin the back door
Yo, I wanna see the gold, then I go for the battle
Rand talk, Mat listen; Mat talk, Rand listen
When I get wit' fly girlies; when I fight pay attention
See the dice and the glitter; people starin or they diss (Dark One's own luck)
Honies lookin all they wish - come on girl, gimme kiss
[Chorus 2X]
Hey, must be the money! (4X)
[Chorus]
~~~
Thom: And now let's take a break, but first, let's see our WannaBes. The really good
videos that never get on the show because we fudge the numbers.
[A woman is a see-through dress is dancing on the screen in a suggestive manner. In the
corner reads: Artist: Berelin Album: A Night in Heaven Song: Oops (Oh My).]
Berelin: Oops, there goes my shirt up over my head. Oh my. Oops, there goes my skirt
droppin' to my feet. Oh my. Oh, some kind of touch caressin' my face. Oh my. I'm
turnin' red, who could this be. Oh my…
[The screen cuts to four men in color shifting cloaks all wearing swords. One of them is
Lan. In the corner reads: Artist: The Warders Album: The Warders Song: All or
Death.]
Lan: 'Cause I want it all…or nothing at all. Give me death before life, Aes Sedai!
Ohhhhh, yeah! I want it all, or nothing at all…
[A commercial for MTV's Dismissed comes on.]
Mysterious Voice: Next, on WOT Dismissed, it's Rand with three, count 'em, three
women. Aviendha scares him off with her yelling…Elayne entices him by kissing in
corners…and Min fascinates him with her visions of his future…who will get dismissed?
Find out next on WOT TRL. Then, later on, we'll jump over to Mat who's foolin'
around with the ladies. It's all coming up after TRL…
[Thom appears back on the screen.]
Thom: And now, let's get back to the countdown. Can you tell I'm trying to get this over
as quickly as possible? Grandma's gone crazy! Hide the walnuts! I like walnuts… Up
at number 3 is Selene with "I Wanna Be Bad".
~~~
Artist: Selene
Album: Lanfear wuz here
Song: I Wanna Be Bad (With Rap by Ishy)
Oh, I, I,.....I
I wanna be bad witcha baby
I, I, I, I, I wanna be bad with ya Randy
Do you
Understand what I want
From you
Just let me be the controller
To show you, you
Everything that you will be
Is everything that I can be (I wanna be)
My turn
Let me let you know that I, I will
Control you to be my lover
So, Lews
Be at the time and place
'Cause you make me wanna misbehave
I wanna be bad (bad)
I make bad look so good
I've got things on my mind
I always knew I would
I, I wanna be bad (bad)
I make bad feel so good
I lost all my cool a long time ago
I've already broken the rules
I, I wanna be bad
I wanna be bad witcha, baby
I, I, I, I, I wanna be bad, Randy
What's up?
I tell you what to do
How to be
Teach you all my commands from A to Z
But I
Don't want that sop-haired chit to see
That you messin' around with me
Should I flaunt?
Tell ya what I got is what ya want?
Tell, tell me, do I, I turn you on?
Don't want no one disobeyin' me
I wanna be bad (bad)
I make bad look so good (Ooh)
I've got things on my mind (Ohh)
I always knew I would (Always knew I would)
I, I wanna be bad (bad)
I make bad look so good
I lost all my cool a long time ago
I've already broken the rules (Broken the rules, Lews)
I, I wanna be bad
[Rap Interlude w/Ishy]
Selene, Selene, Selene, whatcha want, whatcha want?
Selene, Lanfe- oops, haha, I mean, Selene, Selene, whatcha want? (Come and get it from
me)
Is it him, the channeler with the dragon tattoos? (Uh)
Do you need a real ta'veren to.. (Please stand up)
I bet it's him, the mad man in the red coat, that never pretend to be nothin' other than a..
(Bad boy, Lews...)
If you say him want me, tell me how you gon' be.
(Hey, Ishy...) Yo.
(I wanna be bad) C'mon. (Oh, yeah)
I, I Wanna be bad (bad)
I make bad so good
I got things on my mind, I always knew I would (I always knew, I always knew I would)
I wanna be bad (bad)
I make bad feel so good (You make bad look so tempting...)
I lost all my cool (You make bad feel so good....ohhhh....)
I've already to broken the rules (Already broken, Already broken the rules)
I Wanna be bad (bad)
I make bad look so good
I got things on my mind, I always knew I would
I, I Wanna be bad (bad)
I make bad feel so good
I lost all my cool (Cool)
I've already broken the rules
I, I Wanna be bad
~~~
Thom: *whistle* My, that woman sure does wanna be bad! Let's get a caller to answer
our trivia question about the artists on the number 2 spot. (Goes over to the tel'phone
line and presses a button.) Hello, you're on WOT TRL, can you answer the trivia
question today?
Voice: Like, sure I can! I like, have nothing for brains, but ya' know, I can like, do it. I
think. No wait, that would be a lie. I don't think.
Thom: All riiiiiight, pay close attention, here's the question. What male artist in the band
at number 2 turned against Lews Therin back in the old days because he was always
ranked second against the legendry Dragon?
Voice: Umm…(long pause)…like, I don't, like, know…
Thom: Ohhh, I'm sorry that's an incorrect answer.
Voice: Can I, like, give a shout-out to all my, like, friends?
Thom: No. (He presses another button that cuts off the voice talking.) Hello, you're on
WOT TRL, can you answer the trivia question for the day? (A sensuous voice comes
on.)
Sensuous Voice: Why, of course. The answer is Demandred.
Thom: (looking thoroughly surprised) Well, that's right! No one on this show is
supposed to be able to answer these absurdly obscure questions! How in the Light did
you know that?
Sensuous Voice: It was easy. I used to know Demandred. We're er-buddies…yeah,
buddies, from way back in the Age of Legends. I guess you could call him my-…I mean,
(clears throat)…what I meant was…I read it somewhere. Yeah, that's right…
Thom: (looking uneasy) Of course, well for answering the trivia question right, we'll give
you…we'll give you…hmmm…how about a shout-out to your friends.
Sensuous Voice: Great! I wanna yell out to all my Chosen buddies and of course, the
Great Lord himself! You rule Bela!
Thom: (still looking uneasy) Ahhh…okay…that was great. But Sensuous Voice was
right, Demandred is on the countdown. Yo, Demandred's de man! Asmo, Ishy, Sammy,
Rahvin, and Deman, also known as the Forsaken Boys, are at number 2 with "Show Me
the Meaning of Being Evil".
~~~
Artist: The Forsaken Boys
Song: Show Me the Meaning of Being Evil
Album: Back in Black
Show me the meaning of being evil
[Verse 1-Ishy]
So many words from the Great Lord in my head
It's hard to see in the crimson light
So hard to breathe
Walk with me, and maybe
Tarmon Gai'don so soon become
Wild and free I could feel the darkness
Your every wish will be done, Great One
He tells me...
[Chorus-All]
Show me the meaning of being evil
Is this the feeling I need to walk with
Tell me why I can't be there where you are
There's something dark insane in my head
[Verse 2-Asmo]
Life goes on until it ends
My eyes of stone observe the trends
They forever gaze for three thousand years
Pleasure roads to be Nea'blis
I have control
You are bound to me forever
My every wish well be done
I'll tell you...
[Chorus-All]
[Verse 3-Rahvin]
There's nowhere to run
You have no place to go
Surrender my heart, body and soul to the Great Lord
How can it be he's asking me to feel
The things he's never shown
You are missing in my clutches
Tell me why I can't be there where you are
[Chorus-2x]
~~~
Thom: Okay, and while we're almost done with this Light-forsaken show (haha, no pun
intended), let's take yet one more commercial break. When you come back, you'll find
out who the number 1 video is! And then, I can blow this popcorn stand!
[Mysterious anxiety fades over the screen. A man sitting at a table is dressed in a fine
blue coat with gold embroidery. He has a heron-marked sword at his side.]
Man: Do you fumble at your sword forms? Can't seem to beat those bloody Trollocs?
Do your friends laugh at your feeble attempts at a sword fight? Is this story filled with
rhetorical questions? Do you know the answer? Does the author know the point of all
these rhetorical questions other than to confuse the audience? Well, we don't, but we
have the perfect book for you! Written by Tam Al'Thor, you'll find some of the most
unusual sword forms ever written! These are just a few of the unique moves you'll be
able to pull off.
[Screen with a list comes up.]
- Cat Retches Over Hairball
- The Itsy-Bitsy Spider Climbs Up the Wall
- Schizophrenic Bird Contemplates Quantum Theory
- Over the River and Through the Woods to Grandmother's House We Go
- Poodle Catapults Out of Window
- Silk Parts To Reveal Hideous Monster
- Guy Drops Sword and Runs For Life
- Heron Chokes While Eating Fish
- Deranged Rabid Weasel Attacks Innocent People
- Neurotic Waffles Fly Through Air
- Mr. Squirrel Cracks Giant Nut Against Own Head
Man: Yes, that's right, you can learn these distinctive sword forms in this amazing book
for only $39.95! That's all people! In just a few short days, you too can be a
blademaster! Call now at 1-800-RAVNFLY. If you call within 20 minutes, we'll give
you a free reproduction of a REAL heron sword! What an oxymoron! Call now and
become the best swordsman on your block!
[Screen appears again with Thom on the set.]
Thom: So, now let's get back to the countdown so I can go home. I know this is the
moment you've all been waiting for! (He looks expectantly at the crowd behind him who
are all slumped in the stands and screamed out. He turns back to camera.) Okay! So, the
number 1 video this week is…(eggroll)…Egwene and Nynaeve of *NSNIF with "Pop".
All those bloody teenybopper Aes Sedai must have been voting for them!
Guy In the Audience Who Has Suddenly Regained His Energy: Hey! That's not fair! I
vote for a re-count!
Thom: Shut-up kid, this isn't Florida!
(Guy In the Audience Who Has Suddenly Regained His Energy sits down dejectedly
suddenly losing his energy, which would make him Guy In the Audience Who Has
Suddenly Regained His Energy But Then Lost It Again Due To Thom And This Horribly
Boring Show. But wait! Guy In the Audience Who Has Suddenly Regained His Energy
But Then Lost It Again Due To Thom And This Horribly Boring Show is suddenly hit by
a falling sign that says, "Watch for Falling Signs", which would make him Guy In the
Audience Who Has Suddenly Regained His Energy But Then Lost It Again Due To
Thom And This Horribly Boring Show And Is Hit By A Watch For Falling Signs Falling
Sign. What an impressive title!)
Thom: So here's *NSNIF with, "Pop".
~~~
Artist: *NSNIF
Album: Aes Sedai Celebrity
Song: Saidar
[Verse 1- Nynaeve]
Dirty mind
I'm sick and tired of hearin' all these farmers talk about
What's the deal with these Aes Sedai and when are they gonna fade out?
The thing you got to realize what we're doing is for the Dragon
We got the gift of saidar and we're gonna bring it 'til Tarmon Gai'don (come on now)
It doesn't matter
'Bout the ter'angreal I wear around my neck
All that matters
Is that you recognize we need respect
It doesn't matter
'Bout the shawl I wear and what I do and why
All that matters
It that you get high and saidar will do it you every time (come on now)
[Chorus-All]
Do ever wonder why
Saidar gets you high
It takes you on a ride
You feel it when your
Head starts to pulse
And baby you can't stop
And the Power's all you got
This must be saidar
Dirty mind
Baby, baby you can't stop
It knows your mind
Dirty mind
This must be…
[Verse 2-Egwene]
Now why you want to try to classify the type of thing we do
'Cause we're just fine ordering people around
Can I ask you to throw yourself off a cliff?
I'm tired of feelin' all around me animosity
Just worry 'bout your own life 'cause Tarmon Gai'don's coming (people can't you see?)
It doesn't matter
'Bout the ter'angreal I wear around my neck
All that matters
Is that you recognize we need respect
It doesn't matter
'Bout the shawl I wear and what I do and why
All that matters
Is that you get high and saidar will do it you every time (come on now)
[Chorus-2x]
Ooooooh, woman I'm tired of channeling the One Power
(Music Break)
[Chorus-2x]
~~~
Thom: Well, that's it our show for today. Fortunately, I don't have to come back
tomorrow and do this all over again, but I hope you have a Trolloc-free weekend without
any annoyances from the Dark One! I'm Thom Merrilin signing off saying, "Scotty
beam me up!" and "May the badgers be with you!".
Non-Descriptive Voice: Stay tuned for WOT Dismissed and then, after that, it's
everyone's favorite show, "The Forsaken", where you get watch goes on behind those
bloody masks as cameras invade their pits! Later on, we'll play about 15 min. of videos
and resume our boring shows. Stay tuned and don't miss the wheel-turning fun!
Completely and Finally, the Light Forsaken End
[A blue screen with the red letters "WOT TRL" appears on the screen. Fades to millions
of screaming people in the street…who are running from a thousand Aiel…Fades to a
wizened old man with white hair and funny looking mustaches in a faded cloak with
many patches. He is looking nervously at the some hundred or so screaming people
behind him in the stands of the studio.]
Man: (clears his throat) Ummm…hello there. I'm Thom Merrilin and this is WOT TRL.
This point-less writing is a total rip-off of MTV's TRL, except for Carson Daly. We tried
to get Lan to do this show, but he refused, claiming his first duty was to death. (mutters,
"Crazy man…"). But, anyway, these are the top 10 ten videos in all of Randland. I got
suckered into this because I have considerable knowledge about music, being a gleeman
and all, but I'm not exactly sure I know this type of music, however, I will do my best
conducting this little extravaganza. To start off, let's have our imposing impressive
beginning.
Impressive Imposing Beginning: The Wheel of Time creaks, and Ages come and go, like
music artists, leaving hideous memories that become not-so legends. The not-so legends
fade to myths, and even these myths are fortunately long forgotten when the Age that
gave it birth comes again. (Some call this the 60's.) In one lonely computer room, a
bored writer writes a parody of this increasing-annoying Age in music. A wind rises
from the not-really open window. The wind was definitely not a beginning. How could a
wind be the beginning? There are neither beginnings nor endings to the Wheel of Time,
though one could argue that since time had to have started at some point, there had to
have been a beginning, but nonetheless, it was a beginning of some sorts.
[Impressive Imposing Beginning fades from screen.]
Thom: Great, now we can get started! You didn't think we'd start a show of this
magnitude with some sort of mystical monologue that makes no sense, did you? I love
rhetorical questions. Let's get into our first video. At number 10, this is Loial with
"Loial Rhapsody".
~~~
Artist: Loial
Album: The Stedding Ghetto
Song: Loial Rhapsody
Is this the real world?
Is this just fantasy?
Caught in ta'veren
No escape from my book
Open my eyes
Look up to the skies and see
I'm just a poor Ogier, I need no sympathy
Because I've lived a long time and I'm come, easy go
A little high, little low
Anyway the tree grows, doesn't really matter to me, to me
Mama, just left the stedding
Put an idea inside my head
Carried it out, when I get home, I'll be dead
Mama, life had just begun
But now I've gone and thrown it all away
Mama, ooo
Didn't mean to make you cry
If I'm not back again in a hundred years
Carry on, carry on, as if nothing really matters
Too late, my time has come
Rand sends shivers down my spine
My ears are drooping all the time
Goodbye everybody - I've got to go
Gotta leave you all behind and face the world
Mama, ooo - (anyway the tree grows)
I wanna write a book
I sometimes wish I'd never left the stedding at all
I see a little silhouetto of Forsaken
Holy pecans, holy pecans, will I write the Bible?
Thunderbolt and lightning - very very frightening me
Rand, Perrin,
Mat, Rand,
Perrin Goldeneyes - magnifico
But I'm just a poor Ogier and my momma's gonna marry me
He's just a poor Ogier from Stedding Shangtai
Spare him his life from this monstrosity
Easy come easy go - will you let me go
Ta'veren! No - we will not let you go - let him go
Ta'veren! We will not let you go - let him go
Ta'veren! We will not let you go - let me go
Will not let you go - let me go (never)
Never let you go - let me go
Never let me go - ooo
No, no, no, no, no, no, no -
Oh Ogier Elders, Ogier Elders, Ogier Elders let me go
The Dark One has a devil put aside for me
for me
for me
So you think you can stone me and spit in my eye
So you think you can take me for Trolloc and leave me to die
Oh baby - can't do this to me baby
Just gotta get out - just gotta get right outta here
Ooh yeah, ooh yeah
Ta'veren are all that really matter
Anyone can see
My Bible is what matters - nothing really matters except the Dark One
Anyway the tree grows...
~~~
Thom: Well, that was great. By the way, did a plucked turkey in a wig just talk to me?
While we're at it, let's go right on to number 9. This is Perrin Goldeneyes with "I'm A
Believer".
~~~
Artist: Perrin Goldeneyes
Album: Tel'aran'rhiod Lounge
Song: I'm A Believer
[Verse 1 - Perrin]
I thought Trollocs were only true in fairy tales
Meant for gleemen's stories and not for me...
Shai'tan was out to get me
That's the way it seemed
Wolves hunted all my dreams
[Chorus]
And then I saw their ram face
Now I'm a believer
Not a trace, of doubt in my mind
Ohhh, I'm scared, Ohhh
Ahhh, I'm a believer
I couldn't run now if I tried
I thought Darkfriends were more or less a harmless thing
The more I thought the less that I doubted that
[Verse 2]
What's the use of running?
All I'll get is eternal death
When I wanted Mommy, I got pain!
[Chorus]
And then I saw their ram face
Not I'm a believer
Not a trace, of sanity in my mind
Ohhh, I'm scared, Ohhh
Ahhh, I'm a believer
I couldn't run now if I tried
[Verse 2]
What's the use of running?
All I'll get is eternal death
When I wanted Mommy, I got pain!
[Chorus 2x]
And then I saw their ram face
Not I'm a believer
Not a trace, of coherent thought in my mind
Ohhh, I'm scared, Ohhh
Ahhh, I'm a believer
I couldn't run now if I tried
Now I'm a believer, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeaaaaah!
Now I'm a believer
Then I saw their ram face
Now I'm a believer
Not a trace...
Of sanity in my mind
I'm a believer...
~~~
Thom: Okay, so that was Perrin with "I'm a Believer". We'll be right back after this
little break.
[A young man dressed as a farmer is standing in a field. The glow of saidin appears
above him and sets his plow to work for him. As he turns to go, he collapses on his knees
and throws back his head as he screams wildly. His eyes pop out and he throws out his
hands. Eventually he crumples on the ground with a thud. A woman appears on the
screen sitting behind a desk with a red shawl on. She is very prim and proper.]
Woman: Does this paint the picture of you or a friend? Don't worry. There is hope yet
before he goes mad. We at the White Tower can help. By taking him into our arms and
giving him love and comfort, we CAN eventually stop this harmful process. If you or
anyone else you know is addicted to saidin, we CAN help. Please contact us at 1-800-
REDSISTA. Our phone lines are open 24 hours. Don't hesitate to make this vital and
important call…
[At the bottom of the screen in tiny writing says the lettering, "Paid for by the Red Sisters
Ajah. We despise men." The screen cuts back to Thom on the set with the screaming
people behind him.]
Thom: Welcome back to WOT TRL. We're having a great time here in Caemlyn.
Actually, I'm having a miserable time hosting this stupid show while I could be out
earning money and fame. But anyway, let's get on with the show. At number 8 are the
Wheels, including Elayne, Min, and Aviendha with "Independent Women Part 1".
~~~
Artist: The Wheels
Album: The Pattern
Song: Independent Women Part 1
[Spoken]
Elayne
with my girl Min
Aviendha and the Wheel
Rand's Angels come on
[Sung, Verse 1-Avidenda]
Question: Tell me what you think about me.
I buy own jewelry and I earn my own honor.
Only seek your tent when I'm feelin' angry.
When it's all over please get up and leave.
Question: Tell me how you feel about this.
Try to control me, boy, and you get sniffed.
Take care of myself and channel without you.
Always fifty fifty in relationships
[Chorus-All]
The ter'angreal in my hand, I made it.
The spears that I'm throwin', I bought 'em.
The visions that I predict, I saw 'em.
'Cause I depend on me if I want it.
The money in my purse, I earned it.
The ji'e'toh that I got, I earned it.
The necklace I'm wearin', I bought it.
I depend on me.
I depend on me.
[Verse 2-All]
All the women who independent Aes Sedai
Channel your sign up at me.
All the honeys who ruling the countries
Bow you house banner to me.
All the peasants who profit dollars
Throw your hands up at me.
All the ladies who truly feel me
Throw your hands up at me.
Girl, I didn't you could down get down like that.
Aviendha how your booty get down like that.
Girl, I didn't you could down get down like that.
Min how your booty get down like that.
[Verse 3-Elanye]
Tell me how you feel about this:
Who would I want if I would wanna live?
I worked hard and sacrificed to get what I want in the Tower.
Aes Sedai it ain't easy bein' independent.
Question: How's you like this knowledge that I brought?
Sniffin' on the gold that he gave you is the front.
If you're gonna brag make sure it's your money that you flaunt.
Depend on no leaders to give you what you want.
[Chorus]
[Verse 2]
Girl, I didn't you could down get down like that.
Elayne how your booty get down like that.
[Spoken-Aviendha (Min)]
The Wheels (Wass up!)
You'in the tent? (Sure-nuff)
We'll break these people off Aiel style.
Child of Aviendha, independent beauty.
No one else can scare me.
Rand's Angels
[Verse 2]
[Repeat 3x-Min]
~~~
Thom: Wow, those women sure are independent! These are some lame comments I'm
forced to say!
[Suddenly, a scream from the background penetrates the set. Egwene runs onto the stage
clutching a cereal box. "They're after me Lucky Charms!" she screams. She looks
around furtively and runs off the stage again. Thom acts as though nothing has
happened.]
Thom: But, on to a happier note, our number 7 video is Moraine Sedai with "Higher
Power".
[A/N: A song by a band called Boston who those who didn't know.]
~~~
Artist: Moraine
Album: Moraine
Song: Higher Power
Ohhhh, Ohhhhh
Hey, my higher power
Yeah, give me saidar
Let me control you
Take me into Tel'aran'rhiod for the night
Let me attach strings to you
Teach you how to see a vision through my eyes
Turn the pages
Tell the Karaethon Cycle, let me face another day
Saidar embraces, I feel it comin' now
The Dark One's on his way.
Hey, my higher power
The world is changin', but I'm not afraid
Yeah, give me saidar. It's the beginnin', the beginnin' of another day.
Yeah
Let me hold you
Take me back into the secrets of the Age of Legends
Let me know you
Come and save me Light
Don't let me cross the line
Hey, my higher power
The world is changin', but I'm not afraid
Yeah, give me saidar. It's the beginnin', the beginnin' of another day.
[Spoken]
Light, grant me the serenity to change wool-headed Rand Al'Thor
To have the patience of attaching strings to him (Ohhhh)
And the wisdom to know the difference between control and free-reign
Or else Tarmon Gai'don shall come
Amen
[Sung]
Ooh, let me use you
Ooh, let me use you
Hey, my Higher Power
The world is changin', but I'm not afraid
Yeah, my Higher Power
It's the beginning of another day.
Hey, my Higher Power
The world is changin', but I'm not afraid
Yeah, my Higher Power
It's the beginnin' of another day.
Hey, my Higher Power [3x]
~~~
Thom: Okay, that was great. As you can see, I don't really care about what happens to
these videos. But anyway, we must get on with the show. Over at the news desk, we
have our very own Master Al'Vere all the way from the Two Rivers. Bran, what's up in
the news of music?
Bran: (He shuffles his papers uneasily and looks around nervously. He clears his throat.)
Well, Thom, it's like this…
As I'm sure most of you know, Rand, the Dragon Reborn has some chicken with
the rapper Sisqo. Rand is pressing charges against Sisqo because Sisqo's new album is
titled "Unleash the Dragon". Rand says that Sisqo is posing as a false dragon trying to
bring Rand down from his lofty seat as Savoir of the world. As Rand quotes, "That guy
has no bloody business posing as a false dragon! When he shows me his bloody dragon
tattoos from Ruihean, I'll let him rule the world!" Both Dragons are getting, as we say in
the Two Rivers, "hot under the collar". We'll have to wait and see what becomes of this
intense battle. Stay tuned to WOT TRL for more information.
And that's all for now. Have a great day!
Thom: Thank you Bran. That was wonderful. And now we'll take another commercial
break. That's right kids, just like TRL we love to put in ten thousand commercials that
are really long without showing any of the video! We'll be right back in about 10
minutes!
[A stupid looking man runs onto the screen.]
Stupid Looking Man: Hi! I'm here to shamelessly advertise for the MTV VMAs!! You
have to watch it because it's going to really really cool! And…um…yeah…we'll have
the Dragon Reborn there performing and everything. It's gonna be tight! Yeah yeah!
I'm cool…
Thom: So everybody make sure to watch the MTV VMAs! (Thom rolls his eyes) Now
that that's taken care of, let's get back to WOT TRL. Now on number 6, we have Rand,
Mat, and Perrin as Ta'veren 182 with "All the Small Things". They've jumped up 3 on
the countdown today, though how that's possible since this is our first show, I don't
know. But anyway, let's hear it for Ta'veren 182!
~~~
Artist: Ta'veren 182
Album: The Car'a'cran of the State
Song: All the Small Things
[Verse 1-Perrin]
All the, small things
True care, truth brings
I'll take, one night
Your ride, best ever
Always, I know
You'll be, by my side
Watching, fighting, commiserating
[Chorus-All]
Say it ain't so, I will not go,
Throw away the sword, carry me home
[Suddenly while singing, Mat tears off his clothes and earns himself stares from Rand
and Perrin]
Rand: But Mat, we're not supposed to take off our clothes yet. That comes later in the
video.
Mat: So, I wanna do it now!
[They shrug and look at each other, then resume singing.]
Na Na...
[Verse 2-Rand]
Late night, come home
Ruling nations sucks, BELIEVE ME, I know!
All of my three women left me roses by the tent,
Surprises let me know they care
[Chorus-All]
[Verse 3-Mat]
Keep your head still, I'll be your thrill,
The night will go on, my little Maiden
[Chorus-All]
[Verse 3-Mat]
~~~
Thom: Wow, that was great. I really love those guys. This just in! There's been a
walnut uprising! And guess what people…we have one of the members of Ta'veren 182
with us today! People, let's raise the falsely painted roof for Rand Al'Thor, the REAL
Dragon Reborn!
[Rand enters to the theme music of "In The End" by Linkin Park. Half of the people in
the studio go running towards him and the other half cower in fear from him. He
willingly accepts all those who wish to scream in his ear and tear at his shirt. After some
time, he makes it to Thom.]
Rand: Hey, how ya' doing Thom?
Thom: Hey, that's my line.
Rand: Sorry.
Thom: Hey, how ya' doing Thom? I mean, Rand?
Rand: Well, I'm doing great. Aside from the fact that I'm trying to unite the world
before Tarmon Gaidon comes and the Dark One breaks free when I have to fight him.
But, you know, same ol', same ol'.
Thom: Of course. So, that video we just saw there was some piece of work. Really
great, if I say so myself.
Rand: Thanks. I mean, why wouldn't it be great? I am the Dragon Reborn, the Savoir of
men, the Blessed One, He Who Comes With The Dawn, the Car'a'carn, The Promised
One, the Lord of the Dawn, the-
Thom: We get the point Rand.
Rand: Just making sure. I don't want any traitors trying to resist me here. Like Couladin,
now he was-
Thom: Rand, you're on a TV show!
Rand: TV? What's TV?
Thom: Never mind. So, I heard Ta'veren 182's new album's coming out soon. Tell us
about it.
Rand: Why, of course. It's called "Take Off Your Pants and Jacket". Mat made up the
name for it. I rather like it.
Thom: How could I have guessed that?
Rand: I don't know, Thom. Maybe you're psychic. Maybe you should open your own
psychic hotline on the tel'phone. That would be cool. I mean you could call it, "Thom's
Tipsy Tellings" and then-
Thom: Thank you, Rand! Just shut-up for the moment.
Rand: Whatever you say.
Thom: Now, I understand that you're branching out onto a solo project. Please tell us
more.
Rand: Well, I'm producing a solo album and I can tell you the album is being tentatively
called "Rand Al'Thor, DR" with the first track called "The Real Dragon Reborn".
Thom: I've been told it's going to be different than what we're used to hearing from you.
Rand: Oh, yes. It's more of a rap style. I mean, the first track goes, "Yes, I'm the real
Dragon, all you other false dragons are impersonating. Will the real Dragon Reborn
please stand up, please stand up…" You know, sort of like that.
Thom: Very interesting.
Rand: I rather think so.
Thom: What can you tell us about this upcoming movie of yours?
Rand: Well, it's kind of top secret right now, but I'm set to co-star with Sauron from
Lord of the Rings as my menacing antagonist.
Thom: What about the plot?
Rand: It's basically about the fight between good and evil with Sauron being
the…killdestroymustkill…
Thom: What was that?
Rand: I'm sorry, did I say something?
Thom: (looking around uneasily) No, Rand, it's okay. Well, it was certainly nice having
you with us today. Come back again sometime.
Rand: Thanks. I will. Maybe sometime in a parallel universe none of this would have
happened.
Thom: And now let's take a short break.
[A bearded man in a white robe with a sunburst on it sits at a desk looking very serious.
He has a tub of clothes with white cloaks in them.]
Man: Do you have trouble getting grass stains out of your white robes? Well, do you?
Why won't you answer me? Are you a Darkfriend? ARE YOU!? Well, anyway, if you
do have trouble washing your laundry, we have a Light saving device for you. That is, if
you walk in the Light. (He holds up a bottle.) This! Oxy-Clean. Sort of an Oxy-moron,
yes? I am an Tarboner, yes? It will take out your worst stains that you get while fighting
evil Trollocs and Darkfriends. Call 1-800-WITLESS for your free bottle, provided you
join our army. Thank you, and walk in the Light.
[Thom appears back on the screen.]
Thom: Well, we're tearing up the set here on WOT TRL. (He looks behind him where
Trollocs are demolishing the stands and ravaging the streets below.) Literally. Our next
video is Rhuarc with the very popular hit, "Aiel Roll Out".
~~~
Artist: Rhuarc
Album: Word Of The Ca'car'an
Song: Aiel Roll Out
[Chorus - 2x]
{Repeats 'Roll Out' in background}
I've got my sheep locked up - COP THAT!
Me and my spear-sisters so - DROP THAT!
We rolling on wagons with the - TOP BACK!
So much ji'e'toh you cant - STOP THAT!
[Verse 1 - Rhuarc]
Now where'd you get that ruby sword, with them diamonds in it
Where'd you get that matchin scabbard, from the Treekillers?
Who them Tinkers you be with, when you be riding through
Man, I ain't got nothin to prove, I paid my fifth
Breaking the Way of the Leaf while I'm taking a (Whoo!)
Tell me who's your pipe man, How do you smoke tabac so good?
Yous a clan chief boy, Why you still up in Rhuidean?
What in the world is in that bag, What you got in that bag?
A couple of cans of whop the wetlanders
You did a good job of just eyeing me, spying me
[Chorus]
[Verse 2]
Man that ter'angreal don't come out of Rhuidean, Where in the Light did you get it?
That's a dragon tattoo on your arm, Where in the Light did you spend it?
You must have eyes on your back, Cause you got gai'shain to the celing
And the bigger the fight the bigger the toh the better I'm feelin
The more that I'm chillin willing and drilling to killin em
Now who's that naked Maiden of the Spear, fixing three course meals?
Gettin goosebumps when the hand taps them six inch spears.
What in the world is in that room, What you got in that room?
A couple of bats, a couple of knives, a couple of rats, a couple of wives
Now its time to chose
[Chorus]
[Verse 3]
Are you Stone Dog, Red Shield, or you just Water Seeker?
Water fountain up in the hold, and is that the Ca'car'an?
Is that your wife, your girlfriend, or just your first-sister?
You take a pick, while I'm singing the song getting ready to dance the spears.
Tell me who's your roof keeper, What you keep in your roof?
What about diamonds and gold, Is that what you keep in your hold?
What in the world is that in that case? What you got in that case?
Get up out my Waste, you couldn't relate,
Waiting to take the spears, at a similar pace, so dance - dance it
[Outro]
Get out my Waste, my Waste
Stay bloody up out my Waste
Cause the wetlanders all up in my Three-Fold Land,
And its my Waste, my Waste
Stay bloody up out my Waste
Cause its mine, O mine, O mine
My Waste, my Waste
Stay bloody up out my Waste
~~~
Thom: Gee, I really love that song. Let's take a look at what's up and coming on WOT
MTV this week. We'll go over to Faile for that drivel of uninteresting news. Don't
worry people, you don't have to pay attention, 'cuz we'll just tell you a hundred more
times until the actual shows are on, like we always do.
Faile: (stiffly) Thank you, Master Merrilin. Well, this week on WOT MTV, we'll be re-
visiting our Bel Tine festival special for the hundredth time this month! Won't that be
exciting! And then, we'll take a look at the chicken between The Dragon Reborn and the
Sisqo. Should be a useless piece of nonsense that will only put foolish ideas in men's
heads as if they didn't need it already, but nonetheless, tune in! And lastly, I believe we
will be having special hour-long episode of "Rauol's Wild Kingdom". I don't know who
Rauol is, but he'll be showing us to teach poodles to fly. And following that will be
"Conan the Librarian". The little known very unsuccessful other series written by Robert
Jordon. And that's all from me Master Merrilin. (She tugs her non-existent braid.)
Thom: Thank you, Faile that was wonderful
Faile: (sniff)
Thom: I sure won't be tuning into those shows! And now, let's see our number 4 video.
It's Mat "Luv Machine" Cauthon with "Ride Wit' Me".
~~~
Artist: Mat "Luv Machine" Cauthon
Album: Bloody Ashes
Song: Ride Wit' Me
Where they at (8X)
[Chorus]
If you wanna go and take a ride wit me
wit six women in the wagon with the short skirts
Oh why do I live this way? (Hey, must be the money!)
If you wanna go and get it on wit me
Smoke some tabac in the back of the tent
Oh why must I feel this way? (Hey, must be the money!)
[Verse 1]
In a tavern on a late night, feelin lucky
Lookin tryin to spot somethin real nice
Lookin for a little girly I noticed so that I can take home
(I can take home)
She can be 18 (18) wit an attitude
or 19 kinda snotty actin real rude
But as long as you a thicky thicky thick girl you know that it's on
(Know that it's on)
I peep something comin towards me on the serving floor
Sexy and real slow (hey)
Sayin she was peepin and I dig you last night
So when Mat, can we go; how could I tell her no?
Her measurements were 36-25-34
I like the way you dance the floor
And I like that pretty skirt you wear
I like the way the light hit your ankles
And I can see you sniff from way over there
[Chorus]
[Verse 2]
Face and body front and on top, don't know how to act
Without no vouchers on her paycheck she's bringin nuttin back
You should feel the impact, sharp on the enemy
When the sky's the limit and them haters can't get past that
Watch me as I run away, 'cuz I ain't brave
Watchin' Rand go crazy, Perrin changing up
It feel strange now
Makin a livin off other people's memories, stead of my own
I got the title from my momma put the whippin on end now
Everything's bloody done changed now
Running a whole bloody army now with no shame now
I feel the fame now (come on), I can't complain now (no more)
Blood and bloody ashes I'm the man now, in and out my own town
I'm getting girls out of Tarien taverns from top to bottom.
Tellin me about a party up in the Stone
And can I make it? Flamin' yeah, I be on the next wagon
Payin gold; first class - sittin next to King of Cairhein
[Chorus 2X]
[Verse 3]
Check, check -- yo, I know somethin you don't know
And I got somethin to tell ya
You won't believe how many people, straight doubted my sanity
Folks said that I was a failure
But now the same flamin' people askin me fo' gold
And I'm yellin, "I can't help ya"
"But Mat can we get into to see the Dragon?"
Heck no (what's witchu?!) you for real?!
Hey yo, now that I'm a ta'veren, and I run high
Women wanna know why, why I run by
But yo it's all good, gotta keep my butt safe
Do me like you should - give me good, pay me good
We be them Band of the Red Hand, wishing you was us
Win or lose we still kicked you where it hurts
Honey in the village, me on the horse
Icy grip, telling me to leave wit you and your friends
So if shorty wanna... knock, we knockin to this
And if shorty wanna... rock, we rockin to this
And if shorty wanna... pop, we poppin the back door
Yo, I wanna see the gold, then I go for the battle
Rand talk, Mat listen; Mat talk, Rand listen
When I get wit' fly girlies; when I fight pay attention
See the dice and the glitter; people starin or they diss (Dark One's own luck)
Honies lookin all they wish - come on girl, gimme kiss
[Chorus 2X]
Hey, must be the money! (4X)
[Chorus]
~~~
Thom: And now let's take a break, but first, let's see our WannaBes. The really good
videos that never get on the show because we fudge the numbers.
[A woman is a see-through dress is dancing on the screen in a suggestive manner. In the
corner reads: Artist: Berelin Album: A Night in Heaven Song: Oops (Oh My).]
Berelin: Oops, there goes my shirt up over my head. Oh my. Oops, there goes my skirt
droppin' to my feet. Oh my. Oh, some kind of touch caressin' my face. Oh my. I'm
turnin' red, who could this be. Oh my…
[The screen cuts to four men in color shifting cloaks all wearing swords. One of them is
Lan. In the corner reads: Artist: The Warders Album: The Warders Song: All or
Death.]
Lan: 'Cause I want it all…or nothing at all. Give me death before life, Aes Sedai!
Ohhhhh, yeah! I want it all, or nothing at all…
[A commercial for MTV's Dismissed comes on.]
Mysterious Voice: Next, on WOT Dismissed, it's Rand with three, count 'em, three
women. Aviendha scares him off with her yelling…Elayne entices him by kissing in
corners…and Min fascinates him with her visions of his future…who will get dismissed?
Find out next on WOT TRL. Then, later on, we'll jump over to Mat who's foolin'
around with the ladies. It's all coming up after TRL…
[Thom appears back on the screen.]
Thom: And now, let's get back to the countdown. Can you tell I'm trying to get this over
as quickly as possible? Grandma's gone crazy! Hide the walnuts! I like walnuts… Up
at number 3 is Selene with "I Wanna Be Bad".
~~~
Artist: Selene
Album: Lanfear wuz here
Song: I Wanna Be Bad (With Rap by Ishy)
Oh, I, I,.....I
I wanna be bad witcha baby
I, I, I, I, I wanna be bad with ya Randy
Do you
Understand what I want
From you
Just let me be the controller
To show you, you
Everything that you will be
Is everything that I can be (I wanna be)
My turn
Let me let you know that I, I will
Control you to be my lover
So, Lews
Be at the time and place
'Cause you make me wanna misbehave
I wanna be bad (bad)
I make bad look so good
I've got things on my mind
I always knew I would
I, I wanna be bad (bad)
I make bad feel so good
I lost all my cool a long time ago
I've already broken the rules
I, I wanna be bad
I wanna be bad witcha, baby
I, I, I, I, I wanna be bad, Randy
What's up?
I tell you what to do
How to be
Teach you all my commands from A to Z
But I
Don't want that sop-haired chit to see
That you messin' around with me
Should I flaunt?
Tell ya what I got is what ya want?
Tell, tell me, do I, I turn you on?
Don't want no one disobeyin' me
I wanna be bad (bad)
I make bad look so good (Ooh)
I've got things on my mind (Ohh)
I always knew I would (Always knew I would)
I, I wanna be bad (bad)
I make bad look so good
I lost all my cool a long time ago
I've already broken the rules (Broken the rules, Lews)
I, I wanna be bad
[Rap Interlude w/Ishy]
Selene, Selene, Selene, whatcha want, whatcha want?
Selene, Lanfe- oops, haha, I mean, Selene, Selene, whatcha want? (Come and get it from
me)
Is it him, the channeler with the dragon tattoos? (Uh)
Do you need a real ta'veren to.. (Please stand up)
I bet it's him, the mad man in the red coat, that never pretend to be nothin' other than a..
(Bad boy, Lews...)
If you say him want me, tell me how you gon' be.
(Hey, Ishy...) Yo.
(I wanna be bad) C'mon. (Oh, yeah)
I, I Wanna be bad (bad)
I make bad so good
I got things on my mind, I always knew I would (I always knew, I always knew I would)
I wanna be bad (bad)
I make bad feel so good (You make bad look so tempting...)
I lost all my cool (You make bad feel so good....ohhhh....)
I've already to broken the rules (Already broken, Already broken the rules)
I Wanna be bad (bad)
I make bad look so good
I got things on my mind, I always knew I would
I, I Wanna be bad (bad)
I make bad feel so good
I lost all my cool (Cool)
I've already broken the rules
I, I Wanna be bad
~~~
Thom: *whistle* My, that woman sure does wanna be bad! Let's get a caller to answer
our trivia question about the artists on the number 2 spot. (Goes over to the tel'phone
line and presses a button.) Hello, you're on WOT TRL, can you answer the trivia
question today?
Voice: Like, sure I can! I like, have nothing for brains, but ya' know, I can like, do it. I
think. No wait, that would be a lie. I don't think.
Thom: All riiiiiight, pay close attention, here's the question. What male artist in the band
at number 2 turned against Lews Therin back in the old days because he was always
ranked second against the legendry Dragon?
Voice: Umm…(long pause)…like, I don't, like, know…
Thom: Ohhh, I'm sorry that's an incorrect answer.
Voice: Can I, like, give a shout-out to all my, like, friends?
Thom: No. (He presses another button that cuts off the voice talking.) Hello, you're on
WOT TRL, can you answer the trivia question for the day? (A sensuous voice comes
on.)
Sensuous Voice: Why, of course. The answer is Demandred.
Thom: (looking thoroughly surprised) Well, that's right! No one on this show is
supposed to be able to answer these absurdly obscure questions! How in the Light did
you know that?
Sensuous Voice: It was easy. I used to know Demandred. We're er-buddies…yeah,
buddies, from way back in the Age of Legends. I guess you could call him my-…I mean,
(clears throat)…what I meant was…I read it somewhere. Yeah, that's right…
Thom: (looking uneasy) Of course, well for answering the trivia question right, we'll give
you…we'll give you…hmmm…how about a shout-out to your friends.
Sensuous Voice: Great! I wanna yell out to all my Chosen buddies and of course, the
Great Lord himself! You rule Bela!
Thom: (still looking uneasy) Ahhh…okay…that was great. But Sensuous Voice was
right, Demandred is on the countdown. Yo, Demandred's de man! Asmo, Ishy, Sammy,
Rahvin, and Deman, also known as the Forsaken Boys, are at number 2 with "Show Me
the Meaning of Being Evil".
~~~
Artist: The Forsaken Boys
Song: Show Me the Meaning of Being Evil
Album: Back in Black
Show me the meaning of being evil
[Verse 1-Ishy]
So many words from the Great Lord in my head
It's hard to see in the crimson light
So hard to breathe
Walk with me, and maybe
Tarmon Gai'don so soon become
Wild and free I could feel the darkness
Your every wish will be done, Great One
He tells me...
[Chorus-All]
Show me the meaning of being evil
Is this the feeling I need to walk with
Tell me why I can't be there where you are
There's something dark insane in my head
[Verse 2-Asmo]
Life goes on until it ends
My eyes of stone observe the trends
They forever gaze for three thousand years
Pleasure roads to be Nea'blis
I have control
You are bound to me forever
My every wish well be done
I'll tell you...
[Chorus-All]
[Verse 3-Rahvin]
There's nowhere to run
You have no place to go
Surrender my heart, body and soul to the Great Lord
How can it be he's asking me to feel
The things he's never shown
You are missing in my clutches
Tell me why I can't be there where you are
[Chorus-2x]
~~~
Thom: Okay, and while we're almost done with this Light-forsaken show (haha, no pun
intended), let's take yet one more commercial break. When you come back, you'll find
out who the number 1 video is! And then, I can blow this popcorn stand!
[Mysterious anxiety fades over the screen. A man sitting at a table is dressed in a fine
blue coat with gold embroidery. He has a heron-marked sword at his side.]
Man: Do you fumble at your sword forms? Can't seem to beat those bloody Trollocs?
Do your friends laugh at your feeble attempts at a sword fight? Is this story filled with
rhetorical questions? Do you know the answer? Does the author know the point of all
these rhetorical questions other than to confuse the audience? Well, we don't, but we
have the perfect book for you! Written by Tam Al'Thor, you'll find some of the most
unusual sword forms ever written! These are just a few of the unique moves you'll be
able to pull off.
[Screen with a list comes up.]
- Cat Retches Over Hairball
- The Itsy-Bitsy Spider Climbs Up the Wall
- Schizophrenic Bird Contemplates Quantum Theory
- Over the River and Through the Woods to Grandmother's House We Go
- Poodle Catapults Out of Window
- Silk Parts To Reveal Hideous Monster
- Guy Drops Sword and Runs For Life
- Heron Chokes While Eating Fish
- Deranged Rabid Weasel Attacks Innocent People
- Neurotic Waffles Fly Through Air
- Mr. Squirrel Cracks Giant Nut Against Own Head
Man: Yes, that's right, you can learn these distinctive sword forms in this amazing book
for only $39.95! That's all people! In just a few short days, you too can be a
blademaster! Call now at 1-800-RAVNFLY. If you call within 20 minutes, we'll give
you a free reproduction of a REAL heron sword! What an oxymoron! Call now and
become the best swordsman on your block!
[Screen appears again with Thom on the set.]
Thom: So, now let's get back to the countdown so I can go home. I know this is the
moment you've all been waiting for! (He looks expectantly at the crowd behind him who
are all slumped in the stands and screamed out. He turns back to camera.) Okay! So, the
number 1 video this week is…(eggroll)…Egwene and Nynaeve of *NSNIF with "Pop".
All those bloody teenybopper Aes Sedai must have been voting for them!
Guy In the Audience Who Has Suddenly Regained His Energy: Hey! That's not fair! I
vote for a re-count!
Thom: Shut-up kid, this isn't Florida!
(Guy In the Audience Who Has Suddenly Regained His Energy sits down dejectedly
suddenly losing his energy, which would make him Guy In the Audience Who Has
Suddenly Regained His Energy But Then Lost It Again Due To Thom And This Horribly
Boring Show. But wait! Guy In the Audience Who Has Suddenly Regained His Energy
But Then Lost It Again Due To Thom And This Horribly Boring Show is suddenly hit by
a falling sign that says, "Watch for Falling Signs", which would make him Guy In the
Audience Who Has Suddenly Regained His Energy But Then Lost It Again Due To
Thom And This Horribly Boring Show And Is Hit By A Watch For Falling Signs Falling
Sign. What an impressive title!)
Thom: So here's *NSNIF with, "Pop".
~~~
Artist: *NSNIF
Album: Aes Sedai Celebrity
Song: Saidar
[Verse 1- Nynaeve]
Dirty mind
I'm sick and tired of hearin' all these farmers talk about
What's the deal with these Aes Sedai and when are they gonna fade out?
The thing you got to realize what we're doing is for the Dragon
We got the gift of saidar and we're gonna bring it 'til Tarmon Gai'don (come on now)
It doesn't matter
'Bout the ter'angreal I wear around my neck
All that matters
Is that you recognize we need respect
It doesn't matter
'Bout the shawl I wear and what I do and why
All that matters
It that you get high and saidar will do it you every time (come on now)
[Chorus-All]
Do ever wonder why
Saidar gets you high
It takes you on a ride
You feel it when your
Head starts to pulse
And baby you can't stop
And the Power's all you got
This must be saidar
Dirty mind
Baby, baby you can't stop
It knows your mind
Dirty mind
This must be…
[Verse 2-Egwene]
Now why you want to try to classify the type of thing we do
'Cause we're just fine ordering people around
Can I ask you to throw yourself off a cliff?
I'm tired of feelin' all around me animosity
Just worry 'bout your own life 'cause Tarmon Gai'don's coming (people can't you see?)
It doesn't matter
'Bout the ter'angreal I wear around my neck
All that matters
Is that you recognize we need respect
It doesn't matter
'Bout the shawl I wear and what I do and why
All that matters
Is that you get high and saidar will do it you every time (come on now)
[Chorus-2x]
Ooooooh, woman I'm tired of channeling the One Power
(Music Break)
[Chorus-2x]
~~~
Thom: Well, that's it our show for today. Fortunately, I don't have to come back
tomorrow and do this all over again, but I hope you have a Trolloc-free weekend without
any annoyances from the Dark One! I'm Thom Merrilin signing off saying, "Scotty
beam me up!" and "May the badgers be with you!".
Non-Descriptive Voice: Stay tuned for WOT Dismissed and then, after that, it's
everyone's favorite show, "The Forsaken", where you get watch goes on behind those
bloody masks as cameras invade their pits! Later on, we'll play about 15 min. of videos
and resume our boring shows. Stay tuned and don't miss the wheel-turning fun!
Completely and Finally, the Light Forsaken End